Thursday, September 30, 2010
A heart full of love, no fear, no regrets...
I know, I know...I'm crazy...many of you have told me...I know that we've only been together for a little over a month, but I just know that I can't picture a life without him.
We were at the checkout line in the grocery store and he put his arm around my waist and scratched the small part of my lower back...it sent chills up and down my spine and all I wanted to do was throw my arms around his neck and shout out to the world, "I love this man! He's mine, you can't have him!"
A heart full of love, a night bright as day, and you must never go away..
I had a break down moment the other day. I started to cry, I told Jeff how much I loved him and how scared I was that he was going to wake up and change his mind (any of you that know me well know that, given my past experiences with guys, this fear is actually a pretty logical one for me) He just took my hand, kissed it, looked down at me with those big blue eyes, smiled (wow...that's quite the list) and said, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm in this for forever." He held me while I cried, this time they were tears of joy. I had needed to hear that, he knew it. I felt bad, I didn't want him to feel like I don't trust him, because I do, but there is that little voice, the negative one that I usually have duck taped to a chair in the back of my head so it can't get out and ruin my day with irrational thoughts, it somehow managed to free enough of the duck tape to make me worry. (Never fear, that little voice is now encased in a lead box with no openings... and I plan on sinking it to the bottom of the ocean soon.) I apologized, he just held me and said, "I've never been more sure of anything. I love you. This is happening. We are getting married. You see this?" He pointed down at my engagement ring, "This is set in stone."
A heart full of love, a heart full of you, a single look and then I knew...
Every time I look at this man I can't help but think about what a handsome devil he is...then he opens his mouth and he says something so smart, and so sage like that I love him more than I did yesterday. A single touch, a glance, and I am completely entranced. A hug makes all the bad things of the world melt away. He knows exactly what to say and when to say it...
Don't get me wrong, he does have his faults...there are days I really want his opinion and he will say, "Whatever you want. I will do anything for you." I get slightly discombobulated...I really did want his opinion, but then I tell him I really want his opinion, he gives it, and we move on...
From today, every day...for this isn't a dream, not a dream after all...
Darlings...I am so in love. I am so lucky. Every day, I pray and thank God for the blessing that this man has been in my life. His reassurance has helped me make some tough decisions, and his love has made me feel like I can do anything because I know he will be there to lift me up. I don't know how I managed to get him...all I know is I can be me when I'm with him...I am enough...I want to be better, I want to grow with him, but I know that at the end of the day, he accepts me and loves me in spite of all my faults and foibles.
I suppose the moral of the story is...trust in the Lord, he knows what he is doing and where you are going. Just keep walking, he will bless you along the way and he always makes sure you get what you need when you need it.
I am in awe at how much God loves me. He loved me enough to make sure that this amazing man was prepared for me, and was in my path at the right time so we could meet and see what we thought. I will forever be in his debt for that.
Hugs and loves until next time darlings.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I went up to my apartment, got on some shoes and went back down to Jeff's. His roommate Brian was sitting on the couch. He told me Jeff had left for a few minutes, but he would be back shortly. He was laughing and commented on how Jeff never ceases to amaze him. I believe the words, "You think you know a guy." Were spoken. We talked about dating, romance, and marriage. He asked if Jeff and I had talked about marriage yet. I responded quickly with the truth. We had, but it had never been in a hypothetical "IF we were married" sense it had always been "When I get married" (or in my case I always used "If I'm ever lucky enough to get married.") Brian laughed, I gave him my confused face.
Jeff came back....30 minutes until class...I asked if he still wanted to go for a walk. He said, "Yes, don't worry, I will have you back in time for class." I smiled up at him (he's 6 feet tall and I'm 5'5"...I always have to look up at him, unless I'm looking down at him...which is a rare/odd occurrence) He took my hand and we started walking. He asked me where I wanted to go. I told him that he had invited me on the walk, so he should decide where we were going.
We ended up walking to the Institute. We played a game of pool. We did this all within 10 minutes...I was very proud of us. He asked if we should rack up again. I said that I had to be to class in 20 minutes so it probably wasn't a good idea. He took my hand, and said, "Okay, but I still want to walk, I promise I will have you back in time for class." I smiled and let him lead me. We walked towards the trail to get up to the pillars at ISU. (The harder trail) We made it up rather quickly...again I was impressed, but I had 15 minutes until class started and I knew it would take atleast 10 to get back to the apartment. Jeff apologized and said he didn't think he would have me back in time for class. I shrugged my shoulders...I just kept thinking, well if we leave in the next few minutes I might just make it. We stood on the top of the hill next to the pillars and looked out at the valley and the university buildings below. I kept waiting for Jeff to say that it was time to go, but he stood there, looking around. I pointed out a few things in the distance, hoping he would say something, ANYTHING but he just stood there, looking around nervously.
A woman came up the hill and joked about needing a shuttle to get back down. She began taking pictures of the skyline. Both Jeff and I laughed...I looked down at my clock on my cell phone...10 minutes...I wrapped my arms around my Jeff's waist and said, "Come on babe. We should go." I said this, and the next thing I knew, Jeff was down on one knee with a giant ring...it had to be fake...he had to be joking...over and over again he had said how he wanted to wait a long time before he got married...I had believed him...but then again, he had also been continuously telling me that I was doomed for the last 2 weeks (doomed is Jeff's way of saying people are engaged) I had always just laughed and gone about my business when he said it, because he hadn't said HE was doomed. He said, "Will you marry me?" I looked down at him, I'm sure there was a mixture of fear and confusion in my eyes. "Babe, are you serious? You're joking, right? This is a joke? Are you serious? Are you?" I babbled that phrase or something similar to it for a few minutes and he stayed on his knee like a trooper...finally I let out a confused, "Okay??" He got up and threw the ring off the side of the hill...He WAS joking...I didn't know how to feel. If this was a joke, it was a pretty crummy joke...and if he thought I was going to go hunt for my ring, he had another thing coming..."I hate you." Pure and simple, these were the words that came out of my mouth.
Jeff laughed, got down on one knee again and pulled out another ring...something more along the lines of what I would have wanted...simple, but beautiful. An exquisite circle cut diamond solitaire with a white gold band. "Will you marry the man behind the ring?" He asked, I looked at him and said, "Are you being serious this time?" He nodded...I started to feel tears welling up in my eyes. I said yes, I said yes 3 times before he finally got up and put the ring on my finger. I see a flash in my peripheral, the lady that was taking pictures of the skyline was now taking pictures of us. She was a friend of Jeff's, he asked her to be there to take pictures of us getting engaged. Through half tears, I smiled and kissed and smiled and kissed, and giggled uncontrollably.
He said, "I told you that I had a plan that would make you hate me."
I just continue to tell him that it wasn't for long, and that it was a loving hate...
So...here we are...after discussion and pondering, we both decided that we didn't want to wait until Christmas break, we didn't want a wedding hanging over our heads during finals...and more importantly, we love eachother...we know that we want to spend forever together...so why delay the inevitable and risk running into trouble along the way?
Long story short...I didn't make it to class that night...
Hugs and loves until next time darlings!
November 20, 2010 is the big day...and it can't come fast enough!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
This is me....and that guy squishing his nose in a cute way up against mine? That's Jeff...and I can't get enough of him...
So...knowing that much, you can read the rest now and commence with all the jumping up and down, whooting, hollering, and general rejoicing that will occur (or atleast it had BETTER!)
Details will follow later ( I will tell the story and all that jazz) but I just wanted to announce for all those of you who follow my blog that may not be my friends on facebook that I am engaged. He totally surprised me and proposed on Wednesday night (09/22) up at the ISU pillars (I had no clue he was going to...like I said, details will come later as its late and I have to be up early tomorrow morning...)
I feel so shocked, blessed, happy, surprised....and loved...most of all I feel loved...
I am so lucky. I get to marry one of the most amazing men on the face of the planet and he loves me so much...and he never lets me forget it.
We have scheduled our sealing for the Idaho Falls Temple on November 20.
Never fear...we got the biggest sealing room they have, so we can likely accomodate many friends and not just family members that hold a current temple recommend on the big day.
We will also be having a ring ceremony and a reception that evening at the Idaho Falls church on Lincoln road. Its gonna be a parrrrrtayyyyy so you definitely want to be there. (come on, all the cool kids are doing it....) If you're not my friend on facebook, you can either request and send me your addresses that way, or you can email me your addresses to: firstname.lastname@example.org
The best part? So far, he has wanted to be involved in every aspect of planning the wedding, which is super exciting! Its his day too, and it helps us both be excited and me be a whole lot less stressed knowing I already have a partner to complain to when things get tough.
Jeffry...I love you! I can't wait to be your wife! (swish it around in your mouth a little bit...see how it tastes, see how it feels...I bet you love it! - I know I do!)
Hugs, loves (AND DETAILS) until next time darlings!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
To be honest, I've been so happy that I haven't cared about the passage of time, but today it seemed to hit me all at once. I looked at all of my course syllabi this morning, and realized that many due dates are rapidly approaching.
I know, of course, that I will have ample time to complete the tasks assigned, its just one of those days when it hits you that time is marching on, and I don't want time to march on.
I've stopped living for tomorrow.
This phrase tends to scare people when I say it...but bear with me while I explain...
I woke up one day and realized that I was so focused on the future, on tomorrow, if you will, that I wasn't taking the time to see all the good things that were happening now. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be aware of my blessings, I want to see the Lord working in my life.
And, this has been working...I still have my moments where I think and dream about the future...I try to stop myself, especially because lately a lot of those thoughts are contingent upon someone else exercising their agency in the way I would hope for them to...
I focus on the here and now...and in the here and now I am deliriously happy, and just slightly extremely busy....
This morning was crazy.
_____ isn't feeling well. It came on yesterday afternoon, and I have been doing my best to try to make him feel a little better since then.
Last night my friends and I TP'd his apartment door (and when I say TP'd I mean we taped Tootsie Pops all over it and left a little love note.) We had fun, he had gone to bed early, so the chances of him catching us were slim to none. We went at 9:00 dressed in our best ninja gear- black with various scarves to cover our faces- and began the arduous task of scotch taping each individual lolly to his door. We were almost home free...when his roommate came home....His roommate laughed and stood there and watched as we frantically taped what we had left in the bag to the door. My roommate even went and gave him a Tootsie Pop as a peace offering/ bribery attempt. Before we left, I asked his roommate not to wake him and show him, as I knew he was sick and I wanted him to get sleep.
Well, 6 AM rolled around.
_____ and I have been doing scripture study together with a small group of our ward members in the lounge of our apartment complex. I had a feeling he wouldn't be joining me, but at ten minutes to 6 I texted him to see how he was feeling. He had just barely rolled out of bed to do a homework assignment he felt too tired to do last night...I told him to stay home and work and that I would see him later...his response? "how much later?" To be funny, I texted him back, "Why don't you open your apartment door and you'll find out." The bonus of this- I got to see his face when he saw the TP'd door. Priceless...for a brief moment, he felt slightly better. I hugged him, asked how he was feeling, he told me and I made my way to scripture study.
6:30: I stop by to check up on ______. He is sitting on the couch, pale faced and looking rather (extremely) sickly...I brave the elements...give him a little kiss and snuggle up with him...I don't know if this helps him, but I know that when I'm sick or in pain all I want to do is snuggle up and feel the love and warmth of someone else...it seemed to help because we snuggled for a while. We talked, he was debating whether or not to go to class...he just looked like he felt awful and I told him that he should stay home and get better...he didn't put up much of a struggle in the debate, and he decided to write his professor and stay home to get some rest.
7:35: I leave his apartment to go get my keys so I don't get locked out of my apartment as my roommates leave for class and work. I eat a bowl of cereal, and I remember that I need nylons. I talk to my roommate for a bit we tell eachother how awesome we are and say our goodbye for the day. I get my keys and head out the door.
7:45: I stop to check on ____. I feel so horrible that I've left him to be sick all by himself ( I know, its a necessary evil, I know that he is fully capable of taking care of himself as a grown man and returned missionary, but I can't help but want to cancel everything for the day and make him homemade broth and bring him popsicles...) He is laying, dying on the couch...He opens his blanket- which is the international sign for crawl in...so I do. I end up sleeping until 8:35 snuggled up with my sickly man. I wake up, stretch, look at the time, look down at him and frown. I really don't want to leave... We snuggle for about 15 more minutes. He laughs at what its like when I'm "trying" to leave...he also mentions that he thinks he should be sick more often if this is how he will be treated...I giggle...kiss his forehead and slowly make my way out the door.
8:55: Mad rush into Albertsons...I am wonder woman...this is my mantra...I find my nylons and also decide that I am wanting to get some herbal tea to make and take to class.
9:00: get in car
9:03 arrive home. Rush up to my apartment and call my mommy...we chat but time is ticking and I have to get ready. I get ready, find some stuff that flusters me, so I call my older sister to vent. I put her on speaker phone and chat as I do my makeup and hair. Turns out it was good timing, as she needed to vent to (mutual venting is a beautiful way to converse...it cleanses the soul and the other person can't help but empathize because its only good manners that if you vent you should listen to someone else vent).
9:45 I realize I'm not dressed yet, haven't made my lunch, and I haven't made my much desired herbal tea...I say good bye to my sister...hurry and throw some water in the microwave and start getting dressed. I dress, put tea bags in my mug and pour the water over the top. I add a little sugar and milk...and then I look at the time 9:56...I will walk in late to class...its brass methods, and walking in late means setting up late, which means look of disapproval from my professor, who in general is a good natured guy...I debate not going-maybe its a sign...maybe I should stay home this morning and take care of my poor food poisoned man! No! No! I grab my jacket and rush out the door, tea and brass methods book in tow.
10:05- I made good time, all things considered. My darlings, the next sight proves that the Lord loves us and answers our prayers...I walk in and no one is set up because we have a guest speaker. I am also glad that my sense of self responsibility won over in the stay or go debate because the guest speaker covered a lot of useful information on the french horn, information that I am sure will be on the written test when we take it.
The only downside, class goes over time...
I rush out the door, but feel like I should call my brother. We've been told my apostles never to dismiss a kind thought. So I call...it turns out to be a good thing. He needs to vent a bit. We chat about life as I hurriedly grab my lunch and make some more tea (it is really good tea, what can I say.)
11:00- the mad rush to work....I get stuck behind a bus that only wants to travel at 5 mph...I wanted to honk, I wanted to weep, wail and gnash my teeth...but what purpose would that serve...the bus driver wouldn't hear it. I mutter road rage-like comments under my breath in french and german about me needing to get to work (I get road rage in foreign languages..most people find this hilarious, so once they start laughing, I stop being mad. I guess its a subconscious way to restore my calm and bring me back into reality, the reality being that someone driving too slowly or not turning on a turn signal in the grand scheme of things will not effect me too gravely.)
11:15- pull up to work...I'm supposed to be in the office AT 11:15...I rush around the corner and into the office...another blessing, my supervisor isn't there to give me a disappointed look about my lateness...but in reality it really wasn't my fault. I can't help it my class went over, right? I suppose I could have not stopped to grab my lunch out of the fridge, but if I hadn't done that I wouldn't have been able to eat until about 5:15 tonight...not good...I would be super sick, that's for sure.
Anywhoo...I feel a little like a chicken with my head cut off as I rush from one task to the next. As I sit typing this, I worry about _____ and if he has had any sustenance yet today, if he is sleeping, or if he is up worrying about missing class...I hope he is sleeping and doesn't even realize that he hasn't had sustenance yet...
I suppose perhaps living in the moment makes you feel a little more like a chicken with your head cut off...but in the end, I have a feeling that it will pay off. I have already become more self aware and more spiritually aware...which, I think, is something everyone could use a little more of in their lives.
Hugs and loves until next time!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I wish you all could see it closer, the picture doesn't do it justice. He first drew the coolest stick figure-esque cowboy, ready for a gun fight...I responded by drawing a giant turtle ready to step on him and squash him like a bug. The rest of the drawings are silly little viniets revolving around the situation of a giant turtle...I have to say my favorite is a pair of missionaries that __________ drew. One is looking up bug eyed at the giant turtle, the other is holding a camera saying the words "No one at home will ever believe this!" I laughed when he finished it. It was so random, and his randomness is one of the many things I love about him that makes him so great. I think his favorite thing I drew (and I'm just going by his reaction last night, so I could be wrong) is an evil deer saying the words " Muahahahaha! Operation "Bambi's Revenge" is going perfectly! They didn't know what hit 'em!" He laughed when I drew it, said his signature phrase, "Oh my..." with that perfect smile of glee, and then proceeded to draw a hunter's arms and legs squished under one of the giant turtle's feet, his rifle laying between the turtle's legs and the word, "Ouch" next to it... We had some good laughs.
Today we are going to the temple together. We went together last week on Thursday and we are going again today. I can't wait. I love that a) I have a temple buddy and b) that temple buddy is HIM!
Its so crazy how fast you can connect with someone. Its even crazier how fast you can make the decision that you are in love...all I can say is I am grateful for insanity. I love him so much, and after the almost month that we've known eachother, I find myself wondering how I ever got along without him.
I find myself counting his smiles...they help me read his mind...
Smile #1) Is a big toothy grin, this is usually reserved for when something really makes him laugh or he finds something really funny and is trying not to laugh.
Smile #2) A special smile he gives when we are snuggled up together.
Smile #3) A half smile that I see when he is looking into my eyes.
Smile #4) His sinister smile...I see this one a lot, its usually accompanied with his signature "Oh my..." and he giggles. I know he's thinking something, he simply tells me that I will find out soon enough, because he is a schemer...I still don't know what it means, but its still adorable when he does it.
Smile #5)A half smile, coupled with a face, and a special sound (always the same sound, I don't know how its possible, but it always sounds the same!) that he makes when he finally understands something he didn't get. This usually occurs when I am helping him study and something he has been trying to wrap his head around finally makes sense. I love those moments...he has such a joy for learning and is thoroughly pleased when he is successful in his quest.
Smile #6) A reverent smile. I see this smile when we are talking about church doctrine, or when we are sharing childhood memories, the kind of memories that almost make the moment seem sacred.
Smile #7) The smile I see when he watches me walk into a room.
Smile #9) A big toothy grin that starts as a half smile when he tells me he loves me...
and Smile #10) This one is a new smile, I just saw it for the first time today. Its a toothy grin mixed with surprise. This smile occurs when I walk into a room and he is so focused that he doesn't notice until I touch his shoulder...
I know...pathetic...but I love to study people's faces. I love to study his face in particular. I think body language can be a powerful communication tool if you take enough time to really examine someone.
Well...coming back full circle..maybe my K key is giving me problems because I need to slow down, enjoy these moments and smiles, and stop worrying about little things that stress me out. Chances are, no matter what the stress, I will tell _________ he can give me a great big hug, hold me close, tell me that I am amazing and I can do anything, and in that moment, I will believe him and be able to move forward to face the day (or the next day, considering that given our schedules, most of our time together is in the evening.) Or, we will start talking (because we are very good at maintaining intelligent conversation without resorting to sports scores or the weather) and I will be laughing so hard that I forget what was stressing me out in the first place.
Bottom line, he is pretty much amazing and I am pretty much the luckiest girl on the planet. Here's hoping I continue to be the luckiest girl on the planet for a very long time. He's a keeper, that's for sure!
Hugs and loves until next time darlings!
Monday, September 6, 2010
_______ made his move...
I woke up Friday morning to find this...
and (after some struggle and searching) this....
Originally, I had thought that the surprise had been for my roommate who has seemed to be on a new date every night this week, but the photo above gave it away...______ has been telling me non stop for the last few days how "random" he is.
Never have two little words been more beautiful...
They resonated through my head all day...and I did call him, right after I realized it was him...
I have never had anyone do anything like this for me before, I found it sweet and adorable...and I didn't want to take it down, but my roommates insisted because people were stopping to stare and asking questions....I, heavy-hearted, removed the stack of post-it notes and they reside on the front of one of my closet doors...
We went on a date Friday night after this little discovery...
I was so excited, and it was on the fly and nothing was planned...some girls hate this...I don't...well I do, if the guy I'm with is expecting me to make the calls...but ______ didn't. He did drive almost all the way to reservation waiting for me to pick a place to eat, but he also gave me some suggestions based off of what he was in the mood for.
The end of the date didn't go so well...I asked him to be honest...he was...and some things were said that made me wonder if he even really liked me at all... That leads to confusion type 1- why do something so sweet (like writing call me on a million post-it notes (I know hyperbole, but it was a lot of post-it notes) ) and then tell a girl that the only reason you took her out was because her roommate had suggested you give her a chance????Why tell her that you're not looking to date anyone...yet, you do something like that??? Confusion 2- Why would you, earlier in the week after meeting her, come over and spend hours and hours talking and laughing with just her and not her roomies...(her roomies that you know and have been friends with for a while)ughhh...
To add to the confusion...earlier in the date I had invited him to come to Idaho Falls with me the next day because there had been plans to go to the zoo...and he was still considering coming Cofusion #3...
After a morning of texting back and forth while he decided what he wanted to do (he didn't want my family to get the wrong impression since I would be bringing him home with me) he surprised me again by deciding to come along to Idaho Falls...
The zoo fell through. (Too windy+sick kids= even sicker kids....the mommies weren't having it) So I take him to lunch (because I wanted to return the favor for him buying me dinner the night before) After lunch, we end up at a well known chain store in the toy department...we play with the toys and laugh at eachother- the time we are spending together starts getting more "date-esque"....then we decide to go to Toys R Us to play with more toys....Then we decide to go the mall, the excuse was that he knew I needed to get a test prep book there...we end up sitting in the children's book section reading to each other all of our favorite books from when we were kids...getting very very date-ey....
We walk around the mall, and he asks why I like him and tells me that because he is 4 years younger I am robbing the cradle (confused type 4)
We get back to my little sister's house, we're deciding if we should stay or go back to Pocatello since its almost dinner time (yeah, lunch turned into an almost 4 hour event- Which brings confusion type 5) _______ discovers my weakness....
I am probably the most ticklish person on the planet....
We end up in a tickle war in front of my family after he says ,"I can't believe I met someone more ticklish than me." He holds my hands so I can't tickle him, I break away...(getting more confused...#6)
We drive back to Pocatello instead of staying for movie night. _____ didn't really want to watch any of the choices we had, and we couldn't think of anything else we were dying to see...He asks if I want to go get dessert...he pays...we laugh and talk some more (very date-ey)
We get back to the apartment complex and talk in the car. He mentions that he has always seemed to like older girls because we are more mature (confused type 7)
We text back and forth for a while (confused type 8)
He invites me to a movie at his apartment...I go, but it turns out everyone who didn't leave for labor day weekend is there...however he sits next to me even though there are other seats available and then tickles me after the movie is over (discretely, of course- confused type 9)
This morning rolls around...I keep getting calls from a random number that has a 760 area code all morning long... I have an interview for my temple recommend renewal so I put my phone on silent and decide the prankster can get my voicemail. The bishop forgot to sign my recommend so I have to go wait and grab him between meetings for him to sign it. _______ is there, he is ward mission leader, he has his laptop out, he asks in a round about way if I would be willing to put off going back to IF and feed the missionaries. I say yes, but that I don't know of any priesthood holders that are available to be present at the meal, he volunteers himself.
I get one or two more calls from the mysterious number before church, but shrug it off and decide the prankster will eventually tire. I rush home and start dinner...the missionaries arrive early and it isn't done. _______ arrives and offers to help, I refuse politely (the kitchen is kind of my domain) We eat and enjoy our time, he jokes and then slyly dupes the missionaries into doing my dishes (I'm sure they would have done them anyway, but ________ still makes it highly amusing to watch)
The Elders leave with _____, he drives them somewhere and then comes back for his leftovers. He doesn't grab them and go though, he sits and talks, and jokes, and starts a tickle war that wages all over my kitchen and living room. ( Confused #10) He keeps playing with his hand (he fell off his bike last week and it has road rash) I notice his very long fingers, we compare hand sizes, and I tell him he has hands like Rachmaninoff and should learn to play the piano. He says he has tried, but no one wants to teach him. I offer to teach him...he wants to go learn right away.
We walk down to the lounge room and the out of tune piano that lives there. We sit and I start teaching him...he starts to tickle me again. As I grab his hand, I joke that he is giving me the perfect excuse to hold his hand, he proceeds to break free from my hold, put his arms around me and squeeze/tickle me (confusion 11)
Well, I start driving home, and the prank calls start back up again, along with texts from ______...finally _____ admits that he is the one that is doing the prank calls, from his computer. Then we start talking about why I like him again...we flirt text a bit, but he still refuses to admit that he likes me...or that he wants to date me...but his actions make me think that he does sometimes...
Well, dear readers, until I met ________ I was becoming perfectly content with the idea of my lovely little single life... I had begun to accept things, I had started trying to picture a future all by myself, because, let's face it, that could be my reality...but then, I meet someone, who as far as I can see, meets all the points on that silly little list I have. He is smart, charming, funny, spiritual, handsome, sweet, giving...the list could go on, but I won't bore you because most of the time I want what every girl wants. I love that I can have a conversation with this man and not have to resort to sports or the weather...our conversations have depth and meaning, he asks and values my opinions on things...he tests my gospel knowledge and allows me to edify him and feeds me at the same time by both forcing me to share my testimony and by sharing pieces of his to make mine more complete...WHY OH WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO CONFUSING...first he's hot, then he's cold, then he's lukewarm...I know...I know...its all a part of dating, games are inevitable, no matter how much you don't want to play them.
I guess the lesson right now is that sometimes you won't get all the answers you want right now, and sometimes the people you want to get closest to will alternate between keeping you at arms length and letting you in...its part of life, its part of making friends...you have to build trust...I guess if anything, my desire to be close to ______ tells me that I still generally trust that people are good, which is a quality that I had feared I was losing. I still know how to trust and love without fear...its surprising...I guess I just trust and love in a little more guarded way (not saying that I am in love with _________, I love him like a friend, and I like him more...)
Well, dear readers, off I go into the wild blue yonder...here's hoping that I keep flying high, straight and true!
Hugs and loves until next time..
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tonight I sit here, eating a celery stick....or should I say, my dinner (hooray for classes that go until 9 PM making you not want to eat anything big because its so late at night- never fear I snacked on some Peanut Butter Crunch, I poured it in a baggie and took it to class with me), and I'm taking in all the crazy random happenstances of the day....and FRENCH THE LLAMA there are tons of them!
Have you ever sat at the end of the day and thought about all the crazy random things that end up turning into blessings? I tend to do this a lot. I do it because 1) It keeps me mindful of God's presence in my life every day and 2) I like to say FRENCH THE LLAMA its a crazy random happenstance!(are you following this...I certainly hope so because it makes sense to me...LOL)
When you find yourself faced with things that are too crazy or random or a happenstance (or all three put together), the only possible explanation is that its the Lord's way of tapping you on the nose and saying, "See how much I love you? Silly silly..."
Sometimes I compare this mortal life to being at a really really really really long summer camp, and when we pray, we are writing our "Hello Muddah Hello Faddah" letters to God and our Heavenly Mother with a progress report...the crazy, random, happenstancesical events are the little care packages we receive when we aren't looking (like when parents try to sneak send their kids candy bars and other goodies while they are at camp to remind them how much they love them and that they are thinking of them.)
I would start my crazy random happenstance/french the llama breakdown with this morning, but it started last night...
I was feeling pretty alone last night, my roomies had gone to steak night, I had stayed home because I didn't really want to be spending money on something frivolous like a steak dinner. I was also fighting the urge to randomly drop in on a certain boy that I have been befriending (I want to be adorable...not desperate...LOL) I was fighting the urge and had just left to go get allergy medicine at the grocery store across the street (a necessary buy) when my phone rings...its my relief society president Shannon, and she wants me to come help her with something random.
Her boyfriend has been longing for snow instead of rain (its been rainy here the last few days) and so she decided to cut out paper snowflakes and put them in his room...the trouble was no one was around to help her (hello...steak night...) and she needed an extra set of hands to get it done before he got back to his place from class.. I was like FRENCH THE LLAMA I'm so excited (on the inside) and on the outside I told her I would be there in 10 minutes (the alloted time I would need to get allergy medicine.)
I help her cut snowflakes out, we chat and have some girl talk (something I didn't realize I was missing until I had opportunities for it every day again) we take them over to her boyfriend's apartment, his roomies are there but they let us in (I guess it was a good thing we didn't opt for the cloak and dagger approach, might not have gone off so well) We hang up the snowflakes and part ways because her home teachers are at her house waiting for her. We hug and that's that...I walk back to my apartment, prepared to be alone again with the urge to go visit the new friend of a male persuasion that I want to go see, and lo and behold, my roomie/new bestie Chelsea is home! She doesn't stay long, she wants to go visit her friends in another apartment, but before she leaves she says..."you really should go see ________ tonight." with a devious smile on her face. (P.S. I'm not giving his name for fear of jinxing something...me and posting information about boys that I like on the internets do not have a friendly past relationship. If it becomes more than friendship I promise to let you know, but for now you get blanks...LOL- I know, I'm mean...)
I tell her that it is 10:00 and I shouldn't go over there, but I may come join her later with the other girls. (truth be told I just wanted to take a shower and go to bed, I had fought the urge to go drop in on ______ and won.) Well, I was sitting in my room, debating said shower, when I keep hearing Chelsea from outside my window laughing. I decide to go out and see what the commotion was. On my way down the stairs I pass __________'s apartment. He is sitting at his table right in front of his kitchen window. He waves at me as I prepare to pass...I jokingly try to make up sign language to ask him how his day was...he comes and opens the door and tells me to come in...he keeps telling me how tired and out of it he is, and apologizing between spurts of laughter and conversation, and I keep offering to leave so he can sleep...but he keeps telling me I'm fine and I should stay. One of his roomies was home and would interject in the conversation here and there, and then his other roomie came home and tried to do the same thing...________ and I end up getting into a conversation about our families and how fun it is to be an Auntie/Uncle...I guess his roomies left because somehow we ended up alone.
(I would find out later that his roomies came up to my apartment and asked my roomies if they wanted to go do something so that ____ and I could be alone- I didn't think I was that obvious...but okay...LOL)
I ended up staying at his house until midnight...he kept joking that I said I was going to leave and that I wasn't going to leave...he gave me a cute little "I don't think you have it in you" smirk as I walked to the door... I said, "this is me walking to the door." he smirks. "This is me opening the door." smirk. "This is me leaving...I'm really leaving." Smirk. Finally, his face falls and her realizes I really am leaving, "Well, goodnight then." He says, "Sleep well," I reply trying to put on my best "I'm adorable and you know you want to fall in love with me" smile...(not that it works or anything...LOL)
What I thought was going to be a depressing lonely night turned into a fun filled talk fest. It was great.
I paid for it this morning though...I woke up and felt like I'd been hit by a truck, but I dragged my little keester out of bed and forced myself to greet the day.
Chelsea woke up and popped into my room at the perfect time (just like she always does) we girl talk about the night, of course she opens with, "I thought you weren't going to go visit ________." mischevious grin on her face? Check!
I tell her about what happened, and she replies, "I never thought a girl as cute as you would ever go for a guy like ______." I asked her why she would say that to which she replied, "He is a good guy, and he is sweet but he is kind of nerdy and quiet. I just never would have thought that someone like you would think of him as more than a friend." I then laughed and told her about my penchant for hot nerds...they seem to be a weakness of mine. (Not that ______ is a nerd...okay he kind of is, but in a good way and with all the love that the word "nerd" implies in my vocab, which is a lot considering that I consider myself a HUGE NERD too...) I like boys a little on the nerdy side, I can actually maintain a conversation without having to resort to sports and monster trucks (don't get me wrong, those are fun things but when that becomes all I can talk about with someone it gets a little taxing.)
Well, Chelsea left to shower, and I somehow had more energy. I finished getting cute and went to work up at the box office in the performing arts center. I was worried that I would be bored. I had forgotten my laptop to do the homework I had been planning. It ended up being a crazy random happenstance though..
I was slammed with huge ticket orders for the first hour of my shift (something that had never happened before.) and then, when things had died down, I popped onto facebook for a minute to check things. (Let me say this before you get your panties in a ruffle, we are allowed to be online and do pretty much whatever we want as long as it doesn't impede us helping customers.) An old friend of mine pops on to facebook chat. I haven't talked to him in a good long while, he had been stationed in the south (he's a military man) I think in one of the Carolinas...so that is where I expected to find him...well, apparently he has been deployed to Afghanistan for a while now (shows you what a good friend I am) We ended up talking the whole second half of my shift...mostly about random things, he would throw in a soprano joke here or there and for good measure I would throw in a joke about brass players (I met him in the music department at ISU, he played a brass instrument- in case you hadn't figured that part out yet). It was so nice to catch up and find out that he would be in town in about a month. I haven't decided what the crazy random happenstance was though...it was either that I popped on to facebook randomly and got to catch up with this awesome person and wish him well, and know that he needs to be in my prayers double time (all my friends are already in my prayers, but now he gets a few special ones, even a few that were his request- I told him I had a special relationship with the big Man and that I would be able to pull a few strings to help him out)...or the crazy random happenstance was that I didn't have another customer the whole time I talked to him, allowing me to finish the conversation and make sure he was okay and had all he needed. Or, perhaps they were both crazy random happenstances...two care packages in one event, how lucky am I?
______ came over, just when I was thinking about possibly walking past his apartment again to see if he was there...this time he was injured though...so bad news bears...but I had the stuff he needed to dress his wounds and he stayed around to talk until I had to leave to teach and go to class- Earlier in the day, I got an email from the choir director saying that he would be replacing one piece with another, which didn't seem like a crazy random happenstance until I was supposed to teach my first voice lesson of the semester...my student ended up being late, which gave me an opportunity to work on my Chamber Choir music. I had just enough time to go over and work out my part on the pieces that were left, if that third piece had been there, I would have not had enough time to get to it. So,I guess I got another 2 for 1 deal. I had just enough time with a student being late ( crazy,random) to get through the music that I thought I wasn't going to have time to get to until after class tonight.
So...sit down loveys...think about your day and you too will find yourself saying , "FRENCH THE LLAMA!!!!! Its a crazy random happenstance! and I couldn't feel more blessed." You should do it anyway...its always good to make sure Mom and Dad know that you are aware that they are sending you care packages, even when they are hidden under the label of crazy, random, or happenstance.
Hugs and loves until next time darlings!