Acceptance

I was going to write an entirely different post...but I feel compelled to write a post I've been waiting to write (and was going to write next) first because I have several friends struggling right now with this particular topic.

I don't profess to be perfect, or have all the answers, but I do feel like I've had a moment of personal clarity that I need to share in hopes that it will help others...So, here goes...

A few months ago I was really struggling. I was 30 weeks pregnant and still had people that were shocked and surprised when I told them that I was expecting. Who knows if they were just being nice and though that it would stroke my ego to say that they had no clue, but it wasn't helping...In fact, it was making me feel like a fat blob. I felt like a whale, I was securely fitting in most all of my maternity clothes, but nobody noticed...

Was I really that fat before I was pregnant?

That question plagued my thoughts every time I looked in the mirror...

I quickly took to Pinterest looking for any and all tips on losing weight post partum in order to be as skinny as possible as quickly as possible....but something funny happened while I was posting pin after pin of juice fasts, diets, exercises, smoothies that helped to foster rapid weight loss....

I came across a pin from a fitness instructor. She wanted to show how she could make herself look 10-15 pounds skinnier in a "Before and After" picture on the same day just by changing how she held her phone and a few pieces of her outfit...It was definitely an interesting pin to run across in the fitness section. I looked, thought about it for a minute or two and then continued in my fast and furious quest to find the weight loss secrets that nobody was telling me, trying to find the magic potion that would make me "gorgeous"...

However, this image stuck with me more than I thought it did initially.

I have many friends that are beach body coaches and selling various supplements and they are constantly posting "Before and After" pictures on Facebook for the programs they sell. (What I'm about to say next is not reflecting badly upon them. I'm sure their programs work for people and are great. Don't think I'm being negative about them).  I started to notice that in many of the "Before and After" pictures, I didn't believe that the women looked bad or fat in the Before pictures... The After pictures ranged from not much difference to me (making me think of the Pinterest pin I'd seen) and women that looked (to me) like someone could come along and snap them in half like a twig.  (Again, I'm sure the women in those pictures felt amazing about themselves, so good for them, but in my personal opinion, many of them didn't need to lose any weight at all and looked great Before...if they needed to lose some more to feel more healthy and happy, that is their prerogative)

Finally, one of my husband's friends posted a meme. It was a cartoon skeleton with the phrase "She be like, 'I finally met my weight loss goal!'"  I couldn't help but laugh...and it was in that moment that something clicked. This switch in my head that had me thinking so negatively about my body pre pregnancy, during pregnancy, and what it would be like Post Partum turned off...

My body was doing something AMAZING- something that not all women's bodies are able to do...So, WHY was I hating on myself? Why was I allowing myself to be so taken in by the world's standard of beauty? Why was I letting Satan win by choosing to believe the lies he was telling me- the lie that unless I have a body that is a certain size, weight and shape, I am ugly and unlovable?

My husband loves me. He makes that evident every day...no matter what shape I'm in...and, judging by the fact that his male friends were sharing that skeleton meme like it was a bottomless pack of gum and laughing about it on the comment threads saying how true it was tells me that the majority of our husbands probably feel the same....

I reached a place of acceptance.

I remember, before my wedding, several friends approaching me in an "intervention" because they believed I was starting to get "scary skinny" (let me clarify that at this time my weight fluctuated between 135 and 140... by BMI standards, I was on the edge of the overweight and average category...nowhere near underweight, but on my frame, I apparently looked "scary skinny".)  I assured them that I was eating healthy and not even trying to lose weight before the wedding because I didn't want to fall into the pitfalls of the bridezilla whose only problem is that she desperately needs a sandwich... I was the smallest I'd ever been before Faith was born. I had edged into a size 4, and was fitting very comfortably into a 6 (that weird in between place where one size is too big but the other is too small)...

I am a realist. My body has changed. My hips are wider because they have spread to allow a baby out. My body is carrying weight differently than it did before I had kids... everything is just different. I will likely never see that size 4 again because, honestly, even if I did get down to 135 to 140 again, I'd probably never be able to get the pants over my wider set hips...I'm totally okay with that. I was okay with that after I had Faith and Phillie...but why have a goal size?  Since things have changed, since I'm not sure what my body will do as time passes post partum is it really realistic to chase this goal of an elusive number? Also, as I demonstrated with my story, why do we even have goal weights? Let's be real, every body carries weight differently and scary skinny on me may be perfect on another frame... I will never be a size 0 perfect model from a magazine...even that model isn't the perfect model size 0 in the magazine (Hello PHOTOSHOP!)

So...this time around...there is no goal weight, no goal size....My goal?

How healthy do I feel?

I want to be healthy enough to run around the park with my girls without being out of breath. I want to have dance parties that last longer than 1 song on Pandora. I want to feel energized. I want to eat as healthy as possible so I can be around to see all the wonderful things that my daughters are going to do with their lives and I DON'T want my daughters to ever feel like they need to ascribe to some worldly idea of what is beautiful, because they ARE beautiful just for being them. I want them to be healthy and happy and the best way for me to do that is to be an example of what healthy and happy is.

I am going to love my body for all it does for me and continues to do for me. I am going to marvel at the amazing things it has allowed me to do. I am not going to hate it for not looking like some model in a magazine.

I will be beautiful, because I AM beautiful no matter what size I wear or what number is on the scale. All that matters is that I FEEL healthy and know that I am doing all that I can to be around for a long, long time.

I posted this photo to my Facebook and Instagram today:

I will be real...Right now, I weigh 175 lbs. By the world's standards am I overweight? Yep. Do I give a flying fart in space? NOPE.  What I care about is how I feel....and considering that I am running on average on about 3 hours a sleep a night and able to keep 3 kids under 3 alive and chase after them all day, I'm doing pretty darn well! I feel beautiful...why? Because my body, one month ago, did something AMAZING. I ran a marathon of 10 hours of labor, shock so bad that my teeth were chattering and my jaw ached, nausea from too much adrenaline, pushing out a baby that was facing the wrong direction and coming home 24 hours later to NO HELP while I learned to navigate taking care of an Autistic 2 year old, a very spoiled almost 2 year old and a newborn... I. AM. EPIC.

I should be a freaking legend!


Do I still have my moments where I feel let down about my body? Yes, but that is because most of my clothes are too big or too small...its hard to feel dapper when nothing fits properly...but my sweet husband helped with that this weekend.I have a few new items to wear that fits my body NOW...not my body in 3 months, 6 months, etc.  I am dressing the amazing body I have now, I am not going to focus on the body I will have down the road.

I am not on a diet. I am just making sure that I get more than enough water in the day, am eating 5 servings of fruits and/or veggies, and 3 servings of dairy a day (just like any nutritionist would recommend). I feel energized because I'm eating a lot of healthy foods (I feel like I'm always eating, but I'm always eating because its amazing how hard it is to get 5 servings of veggies or fruits in a day when you're only eating them at a meal...so I get lots of good snacks.) Of course, I'm tired and exhausted at times (who wouldn't be on only 3 hours of sleep?) but I know that I'm feeling much better than I would be if I was snacking on potato chips all day.

So...in short, there is no magic potion or pill that will make you "beautiful"...

Decide that you are going to embrace the body you have today and that you will embrace the changes that come through healthier living. Be natural and the rest will follow... Be YOU.

Right now, I couldn't imagine exercising full on. It takes quite a bit to run up and down the stairs to take 2 wiggly toddlers for naps, baths, and time outs and to chase them around the house and out of things they shouldn't be into. To top it off, my husband hasn't been home longer than 4 days at a time since we brought the baby home from the hospital...so I've been doing almost everything in the house and when it comes to caring for our children 100% on my own... but, I have decided to start doing 20 sit ups and 20 push ups twice a day to get my muscles back into order....

Nope, I'm not going to train to run a marathon. I've never been a runner...not even when I was a kid...I don't think that is going to change now.

For now, I am going to do things I enjoy, eat healthy and listen to my body.

If I want to dance with my kids, I'm going to dance with them until I can't dance anymore. I will run up and down the stairs in my house as many times as it takes to give all the necessary time outs and naps that my kids need...but I'm not going to stress about it. As they get older and I have more time, I will be able to do more for me to help condition my body to be more healthy.

I am not a Kardashian...I don't have thousands of dollars to pay a personal trainer...but on top of that, I also don't want to spend HOURS and HOURS away from my kids chasing an unrealistic goal.

I'm going to be ME and let things fall into place...because the ME that I am is beautiful all the time.

Oh, my fellow mammas, if you're working to lose weight, ask yourself one question...Are you doing it because you believe you're "fat"? If the answer is yes, then maybe we need a slight attitude adjustment. Lose weight to be more healthy, not because you are LESS because someone in a beauty magazine somewhere decided that a certain size or weight was more desirable.

If you're feeling down or overwhelmed...start small. Change the way you're eating, don't diet...Follow suggested dietary guidelines: 3 a day of dairy, 5 of fruits and veggies and drink your water...I promise, you will feel AMAZING... and if you want to eat a darn cookie- EAT IT! Don't feel guilty...

I'm gonna eat a cookie if I want a cookie...I'm just not going to eat 12 cookies because I know I won't feel so healthy afterwords...in fact, I'll probably feel like throwing up...as would anyone who eats 12 cookies.

Don't judge yourself by numbers...judge yourself by how healthy you feel. Make your fitness goals about what you'd like to accomplish as opposed to the numbers on your scale or your pants...a number is just a number...you are more than a number. How you function, how your family functions- those are the things that count most. If  you're not currently functioning, then YES, by all means make a change...but don't make the change because you are allowing yourself to hate the one person you should love more than you realize you should- YOU!

I am Brittany. I may not be the world's version of perfect,but to my children I am perfect. To my husband, I am essential. I matter. My body has done and will do amazing things. I choose to foster healthy habits and focus on developing habits as opposed to insignificant numbers.

This is my epiphany.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings!

Independence Day Round-up

Well, another July 4th has come and gone.

We had planned on spending the afternoon at the park, having a picnic and letting the Little Diva play in the splash pad...but the weather decided not to cooperate.

Sadly...this is the only picture I have to show for our Independence Day

We did manage to have our picnic, but it was very windy and heavy rain was threatening to pour down on us at any moment...so while we did have the camera, it didn't even make it out of the diaper bag. We ate as leisurely as the weather would allow and then decided it would be best to take off when the clouds started getting blacker and we started hearing thunder...

The Little Diva wasn't very pleased with all the wind, but she managed to end up pretty content while my handsome husband and I ate our lunch as she had a sippy full of apple juice all to herself.

The weather kind of matched the mood of our day...

Our morning started with us trying to finalize plans...deciding whether or not we wanted brave the fireworks that night with a cranky 8 month old who would, undoubtedly, make it not so fun to be out that late waiting (her bedtime is usually between 6 and 7 at night and the fireworks didn't start until 9) We also were considering what would happen if the weather cleared up and if I, in all my third trimester of pregnancy glory,  could handle sitting in the heat...the plans were decided...we'd definitely shoot for a picnic and bring stuff for the splash pad in case we felt weather was good enough, but after that the tone and the meaning of the day changed completely...

I was logged into Facebook, checking to see what friends were up to and I ran across a piece of news that stopped me on a dime...one friend dedicated their status to one of my husband's best friends in the whole world, who had apparently lost his life the day before fighting for our freedom in Afghanistan.

I shouted out a shocked, "WHAT?!" and Jeff, being a good husband, was intrigued...but I didn't know how to tell him...so I just told him.

He had been playing Call of Duty on Xbox, his controller dropped and he sat there for a minute and then came and took over my computer. He logged into his Facebook account to try to get to the bottom of what was going on...after a few minutes of disbelief I saw my sweet, strong husband cry for only the 3rd time ever.

I think we're still trying to make sense of everything.

Only a few days before his friend had been able to log into Facebook before being sent out on another mission and had left a status saying how much he loved and missed all of his friends and family and that he had hoped they were having a good day.

Only a few months ago, Jeff was talking about trying to get online with his friend to play on Xbox before he left for Afghanistan...I may not have ever had the pleasure of meeting my husband's friend in person, but he was a presence. He and Jeff kept in contact frequently, and it always seemed like they weren't living across the country from each other, like they'd only just seen one another...

My heart is a little sad because its hard to watch Jeff be sad. All day on Wednesday our conversation floated between normal every day life and this big giant elephant that I could tell was sitting on my husband's chest- his grief for his friend and his friend's family.... As we listened to the radio in the car, the kept saying "Happy 4th of July" and Jeff said, "You know, its called Independence Day for a reason."  He talked about how just saying the day of the week doesn't do the sacrifice that our service men and women make on a daily basis justice.

I guess, for my little family, Independence Day took on a whole new meaning, and I hope I never forget it, I hope we never forget it...and I don't think we will. Private Cody Moosman, one of my husband's best friends in the whole world, gave his life while defending a patrol in Afghanistan on July 3, 2012...and because of his brave sacrifice, Independence Day will forever have a new meaning in my heart...I am somewhat ashamed to admit, that while I was fully aware of the sacrifices that the men and women in our military have made and continue to make on our behalf, until this year it has never had the impact that it should have. My dad was even in the National Guard and got a purple heart for goodness sake, and it still just hadn't sunk in. I've always been proud to be an American, but now Independence Day is about so much more than just being thankful for my free country...

There are so many who have given and continue to give so much to keep my family safe, to keep other people in other nations safe...I am in awe of the selflessness that goes into that kind of a sacrifice. My thoughts have been drifting back and forth between normal life and silent prayers for Cody's family, friends and the family and friends of other men and women that were wounded or killed in that fire fight that took Cody.

As my husband said on Wednesday," Freedom is not free, and no amount of money can replace the blood spilled to preserve it." 

It is going to be my humble prayer that I can make sure that my children will know my husband's friend, and his sacrifice...and from now on, our Independence Day celebration will include a moment where we talk about the brave men and women who continue to fight and pay the price with their blood so that we can be free. That our day won't just be about mindless celebration, picnics and barbecues, but that we will have a time that is devoted to those amazing people who love their country, their family, and their friends enough that they are willing to give their lives if necessary to preserve their way of life and keep them safe.

Join me?

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings.

Acceptance

I promise that I will post about Easter soon. We didn't really do much. Jeff wasn't feeling well, Faith was being a teething monster- but I did make a fabulous dinner....

Right now, I decided to post on something that has been weighing on my mind lately. I haven't really taken any pictures of me this pregnancy...I took a few on Valentines day, but they were definitely not shots of my full body so people could see...

I've been rationalizing that the reason why I haven't taken any pictures of myself and posted them is because my computer went to digital heaven and I don't have my scrapbooking or photoshop programs to make them all cute and fun...

But, now I feel guilty, because I am willing to admit the real reason now...

My brain just hasn't caught up with my body.

The reality is that I will be 5 months pregnant on the 28th...but I still look in the mirror and think, "Ewww...I am disgusting."

I have been working really hard to change this mentality. I want to love my body and all the amazing things that it has done for me and continues to do. Its relatively healthy (OB/GYN being worried about my blood sugar aside...) and it gets me from point A to point B with few hiccups...but the unfortunate truth is that due to previous experiences that I've had (bullying in school, remarks from well meaning family members who thought they were helping, when in reality their words only stung me to my core...) my self esteem when it comes to my body has always been pretty hard to bring up.  I had a lot of experiences where my "failures" were attributed to me being overweight...it was a constant struggle growing up.

When I met Jeff, I was the smallest I'd been since my freshman year of high school. I was satisfied. People were always telling me how amazing I looked, and my voice teacher was even concerned that I was losing too much weight to maintain the sound that my voice type puts out...I wasn't doing anything to lose weight before the wedding but I even had friends who approached me because they worried that I was getting, "scary skinny"...these were issues I'd never had before...and let's face it...I wasn't a twig.  My weight fluctuated between 145 and 155 and wore a size 4/6....

When I was pregnant with Faith, I didn't worry about my weight gain until I reached the 40 lbs mark with 2 months left to go...I cried in my midwife's office when she got after me for not being disciplined enough when I gained 50 by the end...I WAS being as disciplined as I could be...I tried to find healthy alternatives for cravings that were less than healthy, but I also knew that you have to indulge every once in a while...I didn't change much about my eating habits, I just ate a little more than usual...

I lost 20 lbs pretty fast after she was born...the last 10 that I lost before I went for my first doctor's appointment with this baby at 9 weeks 2 days was a hard fought fight, but I did it...I had every intention of trying to lose more while it was still safe for me to do so...but then the morning sickness came and took over my body like a person that crashed a party that no one wants there...there were days I couldn't even get out of bed.  In spite of everything, at my 12 week appointment, I'd only gained 4 lbs (with Faith I'd gained about 12 pounds by the end of my 12 week mark). Last appointment, at 16 weeks, I'd actually lost 2 of the 4 lbs that I gained....

I guess, long story short...I feel embarrassed. I was so good at taking pictures and documenting my pregnancy with the Little Diva, but I felt like I started this pregnancy so overweight that part of me just gave up thinking "What's the point? I'm too fat for anyone to see much of a change anyway..."  I've had several people ask why I haven't posted any pics...and there is your answer.  I'm embarrassed by my body...I'm frustrated that I only have 3 or 4 outfits that actually fit over my baby bump right now...I. Just. Don't. Feel. Beautiful...

and I hate it.

My husband tells me almost every day how beautiful and sexy I am...but I look in the mirror and see my flabby tummy and arms and think, "Yeah...he's just being nice..."

and I hate it!

I want to feel pretty again, I want to convince myself to believe my husband when he pays me a complement...its just hard right now. I love my husband so much...and he is so handsome. I guess I just want him to feel like he's out with a hottie...and right now I feel more like a nottie... in a way, I almost feel like I'm letting him down.  I know he doesn't care. I know he loves me for more than my body, my clothes, my hair, or my makeup...

I need to find a way to catch my subconscious up with the rest of my body. I need to stop playing those tapes in my head over and over...the teenage boys that would moo at me when I walked down the hall...my family members who told me that no one would ever be interested in me if I didn't lose a few pounds...and the directors who told me that they would have cast me, that I was super talented, but I didn't quite fit their ideal for the part, to lose a few pounds and then come audition for them the next time they did a show...

Who decided that 3-5% body fat was beautiful anyway? I want to find them and punch them in the nose!

In the end, I need to keep reminding myself that I am a daughter of God. That He loves me for what's in my heart, not the size that's on the tag in my shirt or pants...I need to remind myself that my body is in the process of performing a miracle- I am growing life for Pete's sake!...and this miracle wouldn't have occurred if I didn't have such an amazing husband, who loves me so much.

I promise to find a way to start a scrapbook for this baby, even though I'm REALLY late getting moving on it.  I promise that I will listen and HEAR my husband when he complements me, and believe it, because I know he wouldn't lie to me. I promise to stop doing things and thinking of things that I hate...because that isn't me. I am a happy and infinitely blessed person and I promise myself that I will start to remember that.

Because I am beautiful, no matter what size I am. God made my body, it may not be perfect, that is part of the agreement that we made to live this life, but it was made by Him...and he fathered my spirit...and he wouldn't make a mistake. True beauty starts on the inside and shines out of you like a light.

Fashionistas of the world that don't agree with that can kiss my pregnant bum- both cheeks!


I promise that there will be a post about me and the baking cupcake at 20 weeks...WITH pictures.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

Love is Spoken Here

I mentioned on Facebook that last week my little Faith started to notice other kids in the congregation at church. This week, she was the star of the show. I was called to be the ward choir director (big shocker) and one of my sopranos has three little girls.  As soon as my husband walked back into the chapel after making copies for me, they flocked around him. She studied them, cooed at them, and smiled...they couldn't get enough of each other.

After choir practice was over, they obediently went to a pew to sit with their mom and dad. We ended up sitting in the pew across from them and they continued to make funny faces at our little princess...I must say, she was most pleased with the attention.  I picked up the diva and took her to her adoring fans so that they could hold her. They were over the moon! I sat and chatted with their mom, who applauded my willingness to let her little girls hold my baby, she said as a first time mom she wouldn't have dared. I passed Faith along between the three little girls, and finally took her back to the pew and took my seat when it was clear that sacrament meeting was about to begin.

A young father sat behind us. I don't know him, but I do know that his wife was home today with their youngest, at least, that is what I gathered from conversations I'd heard. Sitting with him was his oldest- a little girl who couldn't have been more than four or five.  She didn't notice Faith at first, but Faith noticed her. She looked over my shoulder and gave her the old "I'm adorable, play with me!" smile.

Much to her father's chagrin (or so it seemed) she noticed the little diva (of course she did...that smile is electric, magic, and hypnotizing!) She exclaimed, "Oh look dad, look at the little baby!" Of course, by that point, noting the father's slight exasperation, I turned the princess around and proceeded to feed her, but this little girl wouldn't give up...and neither would Faith. After her bottle, she wriggled and wriggled and I finally had to put her over my shoulder again.

The little girl came closer, her dad started to get worked up, but I turned over my shoulder and gave him the "its okay, she isn't bothering me" look.  The little girl asked her name, I whispered it and her dad relayed the message, because the little girl hadn't heard. She giggled and said, "That's a funny name." I couldn't help but laugh. You could tell the poor guy was mortified! He whispered, "No, its not a funny name, its a pretty name. Its Faith, its a good name." The little girl continued to giggle for a bit, but then moved forward again and started to hug my back as she stroked Faith's little hand. Faith smiled and cooed softly.  Her dad was again, slightly mortified, "You don't have to hug everyone, back off a bit." I turned and acknowledged that she was fine.

For the next ten minutes or so the little girl stroked Faith's hand, hair, and shoulders and kept whispering, "I love you baby, I love you so much!" She finally asked if it was okay for her to kiss the baby.  I picked Faith up a little higher and let the little girl kiss her forehead.  She smiled and kept telling Faith how much she loved her...finally, she sat back and started to draw and be quiet and Faith went down for her nap.

I honestly, didn't listen to a thing the speakers had to say today...which is slightly sad because it was ward conference and our stake president was speaking along with our bishop...I just sat and dwelt on a single thought. "I love you baby, I love you so much."  I dwelt on the three little girls who eagerly took my baby into their arms to snuggle her...

We are told in the bible to be as a little child and come to Christ...maybe this is part of what that means.  These four little girls are the best example I have seen in a while of Christlike love...they had no expectations, they just wanted to smile, give hugs, and be near to a little person that still has that link to the other side and our Savior. They gave their love without being asked, they gave it wholeheartedly, and freely- and the funny thing is, that the parents were the ones trying to hold them back...

I get that there are social "norms" that must be observed, and kids need to learn personal boundaries- but maybe if we could take a lesson from these little girls, maybe if we could just love one another purely based on the fact that we are all children of God, that we all have our own personal and private connection to heaven and our father in heaven, maybe then- just maybe- this world would be the kind of world that Christ had hoped we would create using the gospel principles He taught.

I'm not sure this thought process makes sense to anyone but me, but I am so grateful for these four little girls who couldn't get enough of my baby. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother to such a loving little girl who couldn't have loved the attention more, and couldn't have been more loving in return. I learned so much today- I have often pondered the invitation to try to be as a little child and then come to Christ, and I think they taught me a part of how we do that. We do that by loving everyone around us in spite of flaws, differences, or what we may deem as their mistakes.  We should give our love freely in spite of religion, creed, or belief system ,because that is what a little child does, because that is what Christ does. They have faith enough to see the good in everyone in spite of how they may be different.

Lately I have been struggling a lot. It seems like I try to be loving, or understanding and it gets thrown back in my face by people who don't want to offer me the same courtesy.  It gets really hard to do this when some people's idea of tolerance is that I should agree with everything they say and do and admit that I am wrong to believe some of the things that I do.  This is not tolerance. Tolerance is accepting someone in spite of your differences, tolerance is saying that its okay to agree to disagree.  I've been faced a lot over the last week with this very dilemma- to the point that I've wondered why I even try any more.

Sadly, it seems we live in a world focused on hate...it seems like all anyone can do is focus on the things that make them different and the people that ridicule them for those differences. We forget that, in spite of hate, there is LOVE...so much love, if we would just open our hearts and minds to it...

Maybe if we did people would think a little more before saying offensive things when they find themselves offended...lest we forget that the Law of Moses came to an end with Christ- we shouldn't allow ourselves to have that "eye for an eye" mentality...What purpose does it serve? Does it undo anything? and really...Does it make anyone feel any better?...When we say mean or offensive things about any group of people, and they return the favor all that ends up happening is more hurt and offense...nothing is solved and true tolerance can never be reached, because there is always hate and indifference in the way of the love...because THAT is all that people focused on revenge can see...they don't truly see those that love them trying to at least help them understand a point of view so they can respectfully agree to disagree.

Well, after my own private sacrament lesson today, all I can say is I love you, and I will continue to love every single one of you because that is what Christ asked us to do...because that is how a little child would love...maybe I am just opening myself to disappointment or pain- but there is already too much hate and indifference in the world...I think I will continue to love, with hopes that I'm cool enough to start a new trend...

you can join me if you'd like...

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings.

A Healthier Me: Weeks 3 + 4 Roundup

Well... I wasn't really on the ball this week, so I didn't manage to write a post for week 3, and since this week has been very much the same as last week I decided that in the interest of saving time, and being honest, I would go ahead and write two weeks in one.

Last week I ended up getting the stomach flu on Tuesday... I was pretty  much dead to the world all week. I only managed to get one day of exercise in. Progress continued, in spite of all this.  My measurements are now 39-34-42...still a far cry from where they were pre-pregnancy, but considering that baby #2 is on the way and will likely spoil my efforts I'm not going to get too hard on myself. As long as I'm trying, that is all that matters.  I am bound and determined that pregnancy #2 is going to be much more "fit" than pregnancy #1...

Unfortunately, all the bound and determined mindedness wasn't going to help me this week. I don't know what it is, but since my bout with the stomach flu last week, my morning sickness has gotten 10 times worse than it ever was with Faith....we're talking so bad that I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I usually will lay in my room (little diva cooperating, that is) until 10 or 11 in the morning. I didn't work out once last week. I tried to make up for it. When I vacuumed on Wednesday, I did lunges as I pushed and pulled the vacuum, and I tried to be extra super good about my diet...which wasn't hard considering that if I did eat at all it wasn't much, and there were a few meals that I had to substitute a fruit smoothie made with orange juice and frozen fruit (quite a few) because I felt like the only thing I'd be able to keep down was liquid.

My older sister suggested that the flu may have left me with an electrolyte imbalance. I admit that I do feel a little better when I have a Gatorade or two to suck back, but we ran out of Gatorade all too soon. Our goal for today is to see if we can find the powder mix for Gatorade or Powerade in one of the grocery stores here.  We already know that Target doesn't carry it, but that doesn't mean that Walmart, Albertsons, or Smiths won't too.

Hopefully, as I start to get my electrolytes back in line I will feel like I can actually stand up and do something. For now, I will focus on trying to do little things, like keep my water intake up and do squats and lunges when I feel remotely up to it.

We're near the end of week 4 and measurements stand still at 39-34-42.  Hopefully I will have a doctor's appointment soon so I can attach a number to the measurements. I'm not sure if I'd post that number here, maybe I should (for the interest of full disclosure).

Here's hoping I can keep weight gain with this pregnancy waaaaaay down.  I gained 50 pounds with Faith and still had 25-30 to lose when I started this journey. I will do everything I can to stay on a healthy diet to try to keep the number of pounds gained to 25 or below. If I don't, at least I know that I have done all that I can do to try to stay healthy and keep myself on track for a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and after birth experience.

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings!

A Healthier Me: Week 2 Roundup

Well...I didn't do so great last week with either of my goals. I only ended up working out 3 days of the week and I didn't do so hot at upping my water intake...In my defense, I haven't exactly been feeling the most amazing...

For those of you that don't happen to be my friends on Facebook, or have missed the status update I confirmed last week that I am indeed pregnant again...

For those of you keeping track my diva in training is 3 months old...She will be 11 months old when her new brother or sister arrives.

Don't think for one moment that this is going to sidetrack me from my goal to be a healthier me.  In fact, if you begin a pregnancy overweight, it is actually safe to continue losing weight into the middle of your second trimester.  As long as baby is getting the nutrition that he/she needs, baby will be healthy.

I will also say that I have noticed that exercise actually helps my morning sickness be less...there...for lacko of a better word...I'm still nauseous, but it doesn't knock me down on my rear like it did with my first pregnancy...with this in mind, I will continue my work out regemine at 4 times a week unless my doctor tells me otherwise at my first visit...which has yet to be scheduled.

My goal for this week is to really MEAN that I want to add more water to diet.  I have to backtrack and allow  myself to try again...

Well, in spite of taking a day off from exercise and not quite hitting my target with water intake- we didn't have any major slow down in the progress.

My new measurements are: 40- 34-42.5

If you're keeping track that is another inch from the bust (another surprise for sure), another half inch from the waist, and my hips finally decided to get in on the action and shed 1.5 inches. :)

Well, here's to progress...no matter how slow and steady...and no matter how much it will be thwarted in the weeks to come LOL.

Besides increasing water intake, I will add this mantra "Being pregnant doesn't give me an excuse to be a lump on a log."  Knowing that it helps with my morning sickness helps me to keep motivated, but there are days (like last week) when I just want to give in, lay in bed all day and be sick.

Here's to motivation and mantras!

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

A Healthier Me: Week 1 Roundup

Well, I measured this morning. I didn't expect to see much change but there was a little.  I've lost an inch in my bust, about a 1/2 an inch in the waist, but nothing yet to report in the hips.  I was surprised to say the least, as I really didn't expect to see the measuring tape "go down".

I decided that the easiest and best way to make this journey to a healthier me is to have small, obtainable goals for each week.  Last week my goal was to work out at least 4 days out of the week. I succeeded...yay me!  During the week, I made a smaller goal...I decided to make it a goal to make it all the way through my 45 minute work out video without stopping. Even if I wasn't going full bore, movement is movement, and I figured it would still help.

I was successful the day I made the goal...but had an asthma attack right after, and I can guarantee you that I wasn't smiling, or feeling sexy like the women in the video.  However, the next 2 exercise attempts seemed to get a little easier. I was able to put full effort into it a little longer each time...the progress was definitely very fulfilling.

I didn't exercise yesterday...mostly because Jeff was home and we had errands to run, but husband home or not I decided I had to exercise today.  Jeff's new work schedule has him working Tuesday thru Friday with Saturday, Sunday and Monday off...so now is the time to get my work out schedule on board with his schedule...

Jeff happened to be home today. They got a 5 day weekend instead of a 3 day weekend so they could all have a chance to observe Martin Luther King Day during their workweek ...I guess fair is fair. However, Jeff was nice enough to sit with Faith while I exercised.  I popped in my Cardio Go Go Dancing video and went to town.  Here are some comments from the peanut gallery as my husband watched me get all sweaty and gross...:

"We really need to get you a Kinect." (apparently he isn't too thrilled with my Cardio Go Go Dancing video...hey it kicks my butt....that meets my demands for work out videos for now...but I won't cry if he decides to buy me a Kinect with dance games and Zumba...)

"Your butt is really sexy...just sayin...thought you should know." (The video calls for lots of booty wiggling and hip shaking...its nice to know my hubby likes my curves...LOL)

and last but certainly not least:

Trainer on the video: "Wooo its gettin' hot in here? Are you hot yet ladies?"
Jeff: " (in sexy voice) It certainly is getting hot in here...really hot"

My dear husband...I'm glad he likes me because I sure do love him a lot.

Well, here is to progress darlings. Slow and steady wins the race. There is no quick fix for weight loss. You have to start small and be willing to work your way up. Even if all you can manage is 5 minutes of a work out video- do that five minutes and then promise yourself you'll make it 7 or 10 minutes next time.  Allow yourself to be accountable to yourself.  You can't cheat when you are making the goals attainable and easy and working your way up in difficulty.

What is my goal for this week... I am going to work out 4 times a week (like last week) but adding drinking more water.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings! I hope you're finding success as well!

The Pity Party is Over!

42-35-44

What are these? Numbers...(thank you Captain Obvious)

These three numbers are the bane of my existence...

These are my measurements.

Why are these numbers the bane of my existence...because I remember my old ones...42 (not much has changed there, don't suspect it will) 31- 42

I never thought I'd be one of THOSE women...the ones that mourn the loss of their pre-pregnancy body... I had waited so long to find Mr. Right (well, long in Idaho/Utah Mormon years) and to start my family I figured I would be so grateful that I wouldn't care when it came to changes with my body...

Oh I was so wrong.

I could tell we were going to have issues at the beginning of my second trimester. I was gaining weight, and nobody, I mean NOBODY, was asking that vital question "When are you due?" I started to fear that I looked fat and not pregnant...I became obsessed with looking pregnant because in the back of my head I started to wonder if this weight gain was all worth it if no one even noticed that I was pregnant...and then the fear started...I was gaining all this weight...would I be able to lose it?

I have had major struggles with my weight. I was a healthy 120 pounds at the beginning of my Freshman year (but still felt fat because my older, much more perfect modelesque sister was smaller than me) and then all of a sudden, I ballooned in one year to 160 pounds. It was seriously like I woke up one morning and my pants wouldn't fit.

I heard about Insulin Resistance from a friend who'd been diagnosed with it our Junior year, but getting my diagnosis took some time. I found out about my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and had surgery to remove 4 very large cysts from my ovaries, I had 2 knee surgeries...it always seemed I was recovering from something which made exercise difficult to say the least. I ate like a rabbit. My mom tried to be supportive. She herself exclaimed that she didn't understand how I could be so overweight.

I will be honest, I had no self confidence. I let people walk all over me because I was desperate to be liked and I didn't have a date until the end of my senior year when a friend asked me to Commencement. The only escape I had was music and theater.

Finally college started. I was attending exercise classes for free at the gym, but still ended the first semester of my Freshman year at almost 200 pounds. I finally went to my mom and begged for help. She made an appointment to take me to the doctor.

The doctor was a #$%^&*@ to say the very least. He suggested that I'd just gained the Freshman 15 and needed to work out. I was insistent about the fact that I had been working out. He made me cry...my mom went into lioness mode. "My daughter doesn't lie, and I know her habits. She barely eats, she works out and she can't lose weight. Either you're going to help her or I will continue to take her to doctors until I find someone who isn't too stupid to try." The doctor bedrudgingly wrote a scrip for me to see a specialist in metabolic problems and was eating his words when my tests came back positive.

I had my struggles still from there. The medication they put me on made it possible for me to lose weight, but I had to completely cut certain carbohydrates out of my diet. I gladly did it...but it took me 4 years to get down to my Freshman in high school size ( well 5 pounds bigger-125) but it took me working out 4-5 hours a day and eating only chicken and spinach to maintain that weight...I decided I liked having other food groups in my diet and that I liked having a life (I literally spent every spare minute in the gym).

I gained again when I went to work on my masters. I was at 155 (ish) and started feeling sick all the time...I had been off the metabolic drugs for about 4 years and my insulin resistance had flared up with a vengeance. After getting drugs again (and being told that I should never go off them again) I was able to even out at about 145. Would I have liked to lose more? Yes, but I was sick of worrying about my weight. I was just happy to be where I was and staying there. I even continued to lose pant sizes, but no weight (muscle weighs more than fat, right?)

When Jeff met me I was at the smallest I'd ever been in my life, a size 4. I was so proud of myself. It had been a long journey...

I guess I share this journey because I feel that in some way I should qualify my fears in a way. It took me many, many years to lose the weight and get to the maintenance phase. For starters, I don't even really remember how to lose weight in a way...and my other fear is that where I am almost as big as I was back at the beginning of my journey with insulin resistance (tipping the scales at 175/180) I am afraid I will never be healthy again...If I felt healthy it would be one thing, but I know my blood pressure is up again and I've already been advised that if I don't lose 15 pounds before March it will likely still be up and I will need to go back on blood pressure meds...I DON'T want to have to do that.

So...why divulge all this? It isn't to have a pity party! Its because I am trying to change my attitude. Its because I don't want to use the "I just had a baby" excuse anymore, because I have found that it just isn't working for me. I'm still worried about my health and I don't think you should use any excuses when it comes to your health. I'm sick of being down on myself! I am a pretty awesome person (at least my husband seems to think so) and I should be as kind to myself as I am to others. I read an interesting blog post recently where the following concept was introduced to me:

Fat is not a feeling...there is something else that you're fighting and you instantly dwell on your insecurities to avoid that. It could seriously be as simple as you're bored and you have nothing to do, so you decide to start beating yourself up to find something to do because in a sick, twisted way to you its a worthwhile way to spend your time...

I am also working on another concept I learned from this blog...I am eliminating the F-A-T word and all its derivatives from my vocabulary when it comes to referencing myself.

I'm starting a new journey. I want you to start it with me.

You- my friends and readers- will be my faithful companions. I will be accountable to you.

I vow that from here on out, I will post at least once a week about my journey. I will update you all on my status. As we don't own a scale, I choose to use my aforementioned numbers. They will not be the bane of my existence anymore! I am going to use them as motivation.

I know I will likely never be my size 4 pre-baby self again, but I would like to get to the point where I can finish a whole work out video (not just make it through 20-25 minutes and then stop because I'm on the verge of an asthma attack.) I want to be able to just love me for me. I want to learn ways to start liking what I see in the mirror again, because quite frankly, I have been throwing a pity party for myself for the last almost 3 months, and I want it to be over.

This is the point where I urge those of you that are joining to evaluate yourselves. If you believe that you are struggling in a similar way, if you don't like yourself- take the challenge!

I challenge you to stop being negative. I challenge you to be proactive and I challenge you to accentuate the things that you love about yourself!

I started my challenge this week. I had a rocky start. I did about 20 minutes of a Zumba video and had to stop because I was going to have an asthma attack if I didn't. I was seriously disappointed. I remembered a time when the 45 minute Zumba video would have barely phased me. I vowed to myself that I would make it! I thought that maybe the time of day had something to do with it (I may be a morning person, but that doesn't mean that I'm graceful...I probably almost twisted/broke my ankle 3 or 4 times.) I decided to try to work out in the afternoon or evening the next day and see which worked better...well it was an EPIC fail. I did run stairs 3 or 4 times yesterday, but I never had time to pop in a work out video and go to town. I went back to a morning schedule today, but this time I did it a little later in the morning and put Faith in her bouncer to watch. She was good , and I was good until about 25 minutes into my Cardio Go-Go Dancing video...I started to hack and cough and that prompted disgruntled coos from my cheering section that said, "Mom, I would like you to be functional today. Thanks."

However, small victory- I made it through 25 minutes...5 minutes more than Monday! W00t w00t for progress!

I think I've decided that morning sometime is best, even if it means putting Faith in her bouncer to cheer me on...she seemed quite content.

Hopefully, even if I don't have measurement changes to report next week, I can report more progress when it comes to doing a cardio video and making it all the way through.

So I have this to say...thank you Zumba and Cardio Go Go Dancing for kicking my butt now...but someday soon, I will defeat you!

Hugs and Health until next time darlings!