Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Acceptance

I promise that I will post about Easter soon. We didn't really do much. Jeff wasn't feeling well, Faith was being a teething monster- but I did make a fabulous dinner....

Right now, I decided to post on something that has been weighing on my mind lately. I haven't really taken any pictures of me this pregnancy...I took a few on Valentines day, but they were definitely not shots of my full body so people could see...

I've been rationalizing that the reason why I haven't taken any pictures of myself and posted them is because my computer went to digital heaven and I don't have my scrapbooking or photoshop programs to make them all cute and fun...

But, now I feel guilty, because I am willing to admit the real reason now...

My brain just hasn't caught up with my body.

The reality is that I will be 5 months pregnant on the 28th...but I still look in the mirror and think, "Ewww...I am disgusting."

I have been working really hard to change this mentality. I want to love my body and all the amazing things that it has done for me and continues to do. Its relatively healthy (OB/GYN being worried about my blood sugar aside...) and it gets me from point A to point B with few hiccups...but the unfortunate truth is that due to previous experiences that I've had (bullying in school, remarks from well meaning family members who thought they were helping, when in reality their words only stung me to my core...) my self esteem when it comes to my body has always been pretty hard to bring up.  I had a lot of experiences where my "failures" were attributed to me being overweight...it was a constant struggle growing up.

When I met Jeff, I was the smallest I'd been since my freshman year of high school. I was satisfied. People were always telling me how amazing I looked, and my voice teacher was even concerned that I was losing too much weight to maintain the sound that my voice type puts out...I wasn't doing anything to lose weight before the wedding but I even had friends who approached me because they worried that I was getting, "scary skinny"...these were issues I'd never had before...and let's face it...I wasn't a twig.  My weight fluctuated between 145 and 155 and wore a size 4/6....

When I was pregnant with Faith, I didn't worry about my weight gain until I reached the 40 lbs mark with 2 months left to go...I cried in my midwife's office when she got after me for not being disciplined enough when I gained 50 by the end...I WAS being as disciplined as I could be...I tried to find healthy alternatives for cravings that were less than healthy, but I also knew that you have to indulge every once in a while...I didn't change much about my eating habits, I just ate a little more than usual...

I lost 20 lbs pretty fast after she was born...the last 10 that I lost before I went for my first doctor's appointment with this baby at 9 weeks 2 days was a hard fought fight, but I did it...I had every intention of trying to lose more while it was still safe for me to do so...but then the morning sickness came and took over my body like a person that crashed a party that no one wants there...there were days I couldn't even get out of bed.  In spite of everything, at my 12 week appointment, I'd only gained 4 lbs (with Faith I'd gained about 12 pounds by the end of my 12 week mark). Last appointment, at 16 weeks, I'd actually lost 2 of the 4 lbs that I gained....

I guess, long story short...I feel embarrassed. I was so good at taking pictures and documenting my pregnancy with the Little Diva, but I felt like I started this pregnancy so overweight that part of me just gave up thinking "What's the point? I'm too fat for anyone to see much of a change anyway..."  I've had several people ask why I haven't posted any pics...and there is your answer.  I'm embarrassed by my body...I'm frustrated that I only have 3 or 4 outfits that actually fit over my baby bump right now...I. Just. Don't. Feel. Beautiful...

and I hate it.

My husband tells me almost every day how beautiful and sexy I am...but I look in the mirror and see my flabby tummy and arms and think, "Yeah...he's just being nice..."

and I hate it!

I want to feel pretty again, I want to convince myself to believe my husband when he pays me a complement...its just hard right now. I love my husband so much...and he is so handsome. I guess I just want him to feel like he's out with a hottie...and right now I feel more like a nottie... in a way, I almost feel like I'm letting him down.  I know he doesn't care. I know he loves me for more than my body, my clothes, my hair, or my makeup...

I need to find a way to catch my subconscious up with the rest of my body. I need to stop playing those tapes in my head over and over...the teenage boys that would moo at me when I walked down the hall...my family members who told me that no one would ever be interested in me if I didn't lose a few pounds...and the directors who told me that they would have cast me, that I was super talented, but I didn't quite fit their ideal for the part, to lose a few pounds and then come audition for them the next time they did a show...

Who decided that 3-5% body fat was beautiful anyway? I want to find them and punch them in the nose!

In the end, I need to keep reminding myself that I am a daughter of God. That He loves me for what's in my heart, not the size that's on the tag in my shirt or pants...I need to remind myself that my body is in the process of performing a miracle- I am growing life for Pete's sake!...and this miracle wouldn't have occurred if I didn't have such an amazing husband, who loves me so much.

I promise to find a way to start a scrapbook for this baby, even though I'm REALLY late getting moving on it.  I promise that I will listen and HEAR my husband when he complements me, and believe it, because I know he wouldn't lie to me. I promise to stop doing things and thinking of things that I hate...because that isn't me. I am a happy and infinitely blessed person and I promise myself that I will start to remember that.

Because I am beautiful, no matter what size I am. God made my body, it may not be perfect, that is part of the agreement that we made to live this life, but it was made by Him...and he fathered my spirit...and he wouldn't make a mistake. True beauty starts on the inside and shines out of you like a light.

Fashionistas of the world that don't agree with that can kiss my pregnant bum- both cheeks!


I promise that there will be a post about me and the baking cupcake at 20 weeks...WITH pictures.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.




4 comments:

We are... said...

Let's take a trip to Savers....I am running out of things to wear too, but can't afford the regular maternity stuff, so I just buy things at Savers that are bigger than I would buy if I were not pregnant. My doctor got after me for gaining too much weight, but as long as both the baby and I are healthy, I say, leave it alone. It will pass! God loves us all, and we are pregnant! And BEAUTIFUL!

Lisa Thomas said...

WAHOO!! You ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! And I LOVE this post! I struggle with everything you mentioned. And I too have a wonderful husband who tries to convince me otherwise. And add in a mother in law who comments on my more 'fluffy' figure that makes my kids more comfortable - I choose to take that as a compliment - that kids find me 'comfortable'. Love you lots darling!!! So glad there are others out there struggling like I have. :) But that being said - don't let it get you down! You can worry about weighing less AFTER baby - not now! :) For now just be healthy.

Meikjn said...

weight is not the only thing bullies and rude family members pick on. all it takes is a flaw. and how generous we all are to provide them for the jerks of the world. I don't have anything inspiring to say, but nothing is permanent. your weight included. I think you are beautiful, talented, and kind. and believe me when i say i understand the struggle even if my issues are not the same.

also my middle child has tons less pic than the other two. quality beats quantity there is still time.

becky said...

Oh, I forgot to tell you on Sunday that you are also a very beautiful person inside and out!