As I sit here and feel McMonkey McBean trying to fight for room in my belly, I find myself getting very sentimental and thinking about so many "what if" scenarios...
I want so much for her. There is so much that I'm nervous about and at the same time, there is this weird calm that accompanies the nerves. I already love her so much- it just seems so odd to me- this idea of loving someone that isn't even officially on this earth yet. I'm so scared for her. The world she is going to grow up in is so different from the one that I grew up in. I sit here and I wonder if I will be able to guide her through the challenges and struggles that life here will bring, I get really nervous, and then I relax because part of me knows that everything will be okay.
I remind myself about agency- She will have hers. Hopefully, I will be able to teach her the lessons she needs to use it wisely.
I remind myself about my amazing husband. We (her and me) are so lucky to have him in our lives. Jeff is really a steadying, and calming presence. If anything, I know that he will be able to come up with the answers when I don't have them. I know he will support me in my decisions and I know that I can trust and support his decisions 100%. It scares me to think about what life would be like if I ever lost him. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being. When Jeff is around, I just know that everything is going to be okay.
I remind myself about the Atonement. I remember that when you've done all that you can, our Savior makes up the difference. That is a very comforting thought as well. I know that as long as Jeff and I are working together to make decisions to raise our daughter, and we are doing all that we can- somehow we will always be able to make it- somehow we will always find the answers- somehow we will always be able to save her from the world when it gets scary.
I think about her- I think about what a special spirit she is...every spirit, every baby is special. They are all special because they are children of God, he is trusting us to help them navigate through this mortal existence. This can be overwhelming at times, but then I remember the first primary song that my mom taught me- I Am a Child of God, and I realize that I am special too...I realize that he wouldn't leave me alone to do this. He will be watching, He will keep us from screwing up too badly as long as we remember our temple covenants.
I think of the temple, I think of how lucky I am to have been married there to the best guy on the planet (I'm sure some of you want to debate that with me...but I still say he's the best). I think of the reassuring fact that God is an active participant in our marriage through the covenants we made there- as long as we remember to turn to him we are guaranteed to have the help we need to weather any storm. I realize how lucky I am to have this little baby girl that is currently bruising my ribs as a member of my family for all eternity.
I read several blogs by women who have lost children. It scares me. What would I do if I lost her? How would I handle it if she left this world all too soon? But then, my mind goes back to the temple and the covenants we made there. I realize that yes, there would be pain- almost unbearable pain- but with God's help you can bear anything. With my husband at my side I can do anything. I still pray that this will never be a part of our reality, but like I said I am pondering quite a few "what ifs" as I think about how much I love this little person that I've yet to meet...
All I can say is I feel so incredibly blessed in spite of all the stresses and nerves. Every nervous thought leads me to a comforting one...thoughts about all the blessings I have in my life...thoughts about my relationship with God, my Heavenly Father, and how much he loves me.
We're 10 1/2 weeks away from meeting our little girl. While there is that innate fear of the unknown, there is a peace. Yes, I'm terrified that we will have everything that we need...but I also have this strange sense of peace as I realize that as long as we're paying our tithing, as long as we remember that what bounty we do receive comes from a loving God, all of our needs and hers will be met.
I know not all of you have the same beliefs about God or life that I do...However, my prayer for you is that when you find yourself thinking about all the "what if's", you can find a sense of peace. I know you will find the answers you seek if you are truly ready to receive them. I know that God loves you... I know he watches out for you. He can't stop all the hurt from coming into our lives because he can't control the agency of others, and like any good parent, he has to let us experience the consequences of the ways that we exercise our agency...but He is always there and He will always try to help us.
Look for the blessings in your life and you will find that you have so much more than you think you do. You may not have a million dollars in the bank or a big enough paycheck to get everything the world tells you that you should want, but you always have what you need...and if you find that you don't- you will find a way if you are willing to ask for help.
Its as simple as that.
Hugs and loves darlings.