Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Frustrations...

Well, we had a doctor's appointment today.

I am 25 weeks.

Things seemed normal as I went back for my appointment until it was time to step on the scale. I cracked a joke as I stepped on and the nurse started moving the little doohickey thing to figure out what my weight was...

Somehow in 5 weeks I've gained 9 pounds...which means since becoming pregnant I have gained 30 pounds already. I had expected to gain a few pounds, and hadn't really noticed much of a difference in my baby bump, but apparently I gained 9 pounds...of course this makes me worry instantly because, unfortunately (and fortunately) I am a researcher plus I have a sister who is a labor and delivery nurse...I know how dangerous it can be to gain too much weight while you're pregnant and what it can mean...

Well, they took us (meaning me and my dear husband who was along for the ride.) back to the room and a few minutes later my midwife walks in with a concerned look on her face...

"You really gained 9 pounds?!?!" She asked

I instantly wanted to cry. (I have been having issues sleeping and I think its catching up with me, it hasn't taken much to get me teary eyed the last few days....) I managed to maintain composure as we went through a list of questions to try to see if we could pinpoint what is going on...

"Are you getting exercise?" "Yes, I walk a lot." "Have you been taking your Metformin?" "Yes."

My midwife pursed her lips a bit, and sighed, "Well, it could be nothing but its a good thing your next appointment is the one where we will check your Glucose..."

Translation: Too much weight gain can be a sign of Gestational Diabetes which I am at a higher risk for since I'm Insulin Resistant...awesome...

I wanted to cry again...

My midwife measured my abdomen, "Well, you're measurements seem to be right on the mark for 25 weeks...We'll just have to see how much weight you gain in between now and your next appointment and what your glucose levels will be like. It may just be a fluke."

I still wanted to cry...if it isn't Gestational Diabetes does this just mean that I am a lazy whale? I've been trying to eat well, I've been trying to get up and out of the house to walk and do the things that I can do considering how short of breath I've been lately...I feel like a failure...I know that these thoughts are not rational, but they are seriously what went through my head and have continued to go through my head since I left the doctor's office.

Found out that my waking up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous is a sign of severe acid reflux and she is putting me on a prescription med for it because I am popping TUMS every 1-2 hours to keep it at bay. I also found out that the acid reflux is compounding the problems that make me feel like I can't breathe... I have had horrible acid reflux since my morning sickness ended. I've tried everything that I'm allowed over the counter and none of it has worked.(Besides eating Tums like candy...)

Tried to go get the acid reflux prescription only to find that Medicaid won't give it to me without preauthorization- I suppose I can handle a few more days of popping Tums.

In the midst of all this got the good news that a) my measurements are right on track (you read that earlier) b) Baby's heartbeat sounds good and c) She moves a lot ( No...really???LOL) I guess there is a d) there is a medication that can end some of my woes as far as feeling like there is molten liquid hot magma in the back of my throat and feeling like I can't breathe (and therefore I can't sleep...)

I'm really looking for the silver lining but in my sleep deprived state its been really hard today not to think about Gestational Diabetes and the ramifications of that diagnosis... the diet changes (which shouldn't be too hard since I've done it before when I was first diagnosed with insulin resistance) but also the problems of increased possibility of needing an induction and possibly a C-Section if the baby gets too big.

I'm also trying not to let myself believe that I'm a failure for gaining too much weight if its NOT gestational diabetes but its tough. I'm the one that eats...I try to eat healthily, I try not to over do it- but if its not gestational diabetes, then I'm obviously doing something wrong...

I know some people reading this may think, "You're pregnant, you signed up for this...build a bridge and get over it." and believe me, I'm trying...I guess I just need to vent to get it out of my system. I generally find that I can write something down and forget about how much its stressing me out.

I am very lucky to have an awesome husband. I managed to keep it together until he left me in the car while he went to price check something in a store after my appointment. I called my mom and the flood gates opened. He came to the car and let me finish crying to my mom. He just silently put his arm around me, tickled my back and kissed me on the forehead until I could talk to him. I think we sat in the car, in that parking lot, for atleast 15 minutes until I'd told him everything that was bothering me and had stopped crying. When I was done talking he held me close, kissed me, told me I was beautiful and he loved me and that everything would be okay (which made me cry more because he was being so sweet.)

In short- today hasn't been the best day. I need a nap...and I think I may have to break down and start sleeping on the recliner until I get my medicine....

Hugs, naps and much love until next time darlings.
(P.S. If you made it to the end of this rambling venting session, you are a true friend and an angel. Thanks for being there.)

4 comments:

Andy's Mom said...

Okay Sweetheart:
1. Your silver lining is that you are pregnant, which means despite all the yucky, difficult, and painful pregnancy crap, YOU ARE PREGNANT! In around 15 weeks, you'll have the most beautiful baby to love and hold. How you felt while little one was in-utero, how sick you are, how much weight you've gained (which for you, this may be normal...let's face it, guidelines are another way of labeling an indefinable "normal." Perhaps this IS healthy and normal for YOU!), and the yet to be determined presence of a possible gestational diabetes issues.... these will all fade into memories as you hold little Monkey McBean.
2. No sleeping + pregnancy hormones + Shrewish, very insensitive midwife (because seriously, if there was a concern, there are better ways to address the issue than making a pregnant woman feel like crap) + stupid Medicaid = YOU'RE ALLOWED to CRY!!! Good heavens, girl, cry!
3. No, you ARE NOT LAZY! If you're still measuring within normal limits, then don't sweat it! There is literally NO WAY this can result in a failure for you. Baby in arms=Biggest success ever. Baby not in arms (as I've had to learn) = NOT A FAILURE, just not His plan at this time. YOU ARE NOT LAZY, THERE IS *NO* WAY THIS WILL RESULT IN FAILURE FOR YOU!!!
4. Lastly, I understand how scary a diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes is... I'm a nurse (with Insulin Resistance and PCOS)... in almost any situation, my mind will start going through symptoms, treatments, complications, and outcomes. But this is manageable. You can do this. Even if it results in McBean being too big, coming early, coming via C-section, or etc.... you will have a child who is sealed to your family. It is okay to worry. You're a Mom, it is your job. But, in the end, you'll have your baby forever. Someday, your body will be perfected (and worries about insulin, diabetes, and 9 extra lbs. will be almost completely irrelevant).
I'm sorry it has been a cwappy day. But, you are Brittany the strong, marvelous, leading lady, diva, opera sensation extraordinaire.... you can do this! This is a big ol' piece of sugar-free cake!

Sister Brittster said...

Sheyann...I pretty much love you...

The White House said...

You'll be fine. I gained 9 pounds in one week with my first child! If you started swelling some you are retaining water which means you'll gain a few pounds. They don't tell you this but I got sick with my first and lost all the water retention for a week and lost 10 pounds all at the same time. So I wouldn't worry about it. And screw the recommended weight gain. Eat healthy and do what exercise you can, you'll be fine. I gained 5 pounds for every pound my boys were and since my boys were all big I gained alot. I gained 55 lbs with my first! You'll be fine.

Haeli Mae and Jae Jae said...

girl...dont even worry! I gained 6 pounds my 38th week in pure water retention. My doctor pretty much sat me down early on when I had gained about 30 pounds as well. Overall I gained 60 pounds!!!! I'm not saying that is your fate but I have a bouncing healthy baby boy AND I now way less then I ever have! Pregnancy is wonderful even with it's ups and downs. Don't get freaked out cus stress will just add to the already raging hormones. Just be sure to drink plenty of water (water in = water out...to reduce water retention)Remember that 'eating for two' is a myth. Even though coming between a pregnant woman and her meal is like coaxing a grizzly...your baby only needs an amount of food equivelant to the size of an almond. Everybody's body takes onto pregnancy differently. I for instance EXPLODE with pregnancy hormones and inflate like a hot air balloon. And...walk, swim, or do simple, low impact excersise even jut three days a week to moniter blood preassure. YOU WILL BE FINE! Even if you do get gestational diabetes...that is was prenatel care is for. And everyone will see to it that you and your baby are fine. LOVE YOU and keep your chin up!