Sunday, April 3, 2011

Why Did No one Ever Tell Me?

Today is one of those days where I think just about anything will make me cry.

I saw the flower arrangements sitting behind the pulpit as conference started and I wanted to cry because they were so beautiful. I thought of President Uchtdorf and how awesome it would be to have him as a friend, and I wanted to cry because it filled my heart with so much joy...I look over at my husband, busily typing on his computer to finish a grant application before Tuesday and I want to cry because I love him so much. I made a fantastic rib rub for the ribs we are going to be grilling tonight. I tasted a bit of it off my pinkie and I wanted to cry because of the wonders of my culinary masterpiece. I look at the ultrasound picture of my sweet little McMonkey McBean on my fridge and I want to cry for many reasons: fear, hope, joy, love, excitement...

I just want to cry...and I don't know why.

I guess this is to be expected. I have been warned by my Midwife that as things progress my hormones will begin to fluctuate even more. So far I've been pretty good at noticing if the thoughts and emotions I've had are really logical...what do I do at these times you may ask?...

I sit very still, and keep my mouth shut (especially when I'm angry for no good reason) I find that it passes and I am able to recognize why the thoughts I'm having are irrational and hormonally/emotionally driven.

You know, I knew about the emotional rollercoaster, I knew about the possibility of being extremely sick (and I have been SICK)...I just wish someone would have told me about some of the other side effects of pregnancy that I was not prepared for...

Most of the women that I know that are newly pregnant usually seem to chipper and excited...I didn't realize what a facade it really was.

I am tired all the time! A few days ago I actually fell asleep standing up (I am not kidding!) I'm supposed to be chipper and excited and full of energy...no one ever told me... I guess people just don't like to complain, but, seriously....

Probably TMI (if you're a guy, you may just want to skip the next two paragraphs...) but my boobs hurt, and when they don't hurt they tingle like they're asleep...no one told me about this joy. I was talking to my older sister on the phone and she asked if I was experiencing this fun symptom...I said yes, a little shocked that she knew, and then she said something to the effect of, "Well, from this point on your boobs are not your own, have fun."

I also grew an entire cup size in a week. I only have 1 bra that fits! I knew they would get bigger eventually, but I didn't think it would happen during the first trimester...ugh...

My food aversions have gone from not being able to handle meat or eggs to not being able to handle anything. I've pretty much just accepted that no matter what I eat I will be nauseous. I knew about morning sickness, but I thought that feeling nauseous all the time was a rare occurrence. I was so mislead its sad...

My friends that have just had babies keep assuring me that its worth it. I believe them, really I do, but am I a horrible person for counting down the next 4 weeks until I hit the second trimester? I know that just because I hit the second trimester doesn't magically mean that I won't be nauseous anymore, I have a friend that is well into her second trimester and the nausea just barely stopped...but a girl can hope can't she?

I also didn't know about this "round ligament pain"...and it HURTS! I will seriously have periods of time (usually no more than 5 to 10 minutes) where I feel like I'm being torn apart in the middle, it moves around from side to side and then will be in the middle of my abdomen for a bit, good times, good times... Amber (my amazing do it all sister who also happens to be a labor and delivery nurse) has assured me that these are normal and to brace myself because they get worse as the baby gets bigger....oh joy!

So...I sit in my apartment, on my emotional rollercoaster, and look for all the good things that are happening so that I can take my focus off of being so darn sick. After my first appointment, I feel so much better about things.

Both of my sisters suffered miscarriages with their first babies. I had been so scared that they would do an ultrasound and there would be nothing there, or there would be no heartbeat. I was preparing myself for the emotional blow. I was so relieved when I saw that little heart beating on the screen. I was so relieved when the ultrasound technician very clearly announced that the baby was "viable". I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I decided I wanted to be selfish and hold all the joy in my heart for as long as possible. The midwife finished the check and told me that everything was good, she even told me I could deliver a 9 pounder if I needed to (here's hoping that this is one area where I have a similar fate to my sisters, we have not had a baby born in my family over 7 pounds.)

I started a patchwork quilt the other day. Jeff and I have decided that we aren't going to find out the gender until the baby is born. Finding gender neutral material was an interesting task, but I think Jeff and I succeeded. We bought these two silly fabrics with funny looking woodland creatures on them. They all have bug eyes and look so confused...the owl has to be my favorite. I will have to take a picture of my progress and the fabric so you all can see it. I think its adorable and because there is an inside joke about the owl between Jeff and me, it makes it all the better. I've also been crocheting baby hats. I need to go get some more yarn so I can make all the decorations for them. I am making a piglet hat, a frog, an owl, and I'm still trying to decide between a cow and a lamb. I am bound and determined to have the cutest newborn pictures ever (I just happen to be fortunate enough to have an awesome photographer *cough Amber *cough who will take them for me for free in their home studio.)

Jeff, of course, has been awesome through it all. Sure, he has his moments of sheer terror (enter the ultra sound where we saw the baby for the first time) but he never fails to make sure I have everything I need. He will let me wrap myself around him and melt into him when I'm feeling sick. Some days I swear I'm like a monkey on his shoulder, but he doesn't seem to mind (and if he does he hasn't said anything.) He simply tickles my back , plays with my hair, and apologizes when he makes food and I start to get sick from the smell...he also pleads for me not to beat him (which would never happen, I'm not a violent person...but he pleads all the same...I just giggle, put my arms around him and give him a big kiss *hoping that it doesn't make me more nauseous- have I mentioned my increased sense of smell...I'm like a pregnant superwoman sometimes, only my increased sense of smell makes me nauseous....*) Jeff has also started kissing my feet when I lay my legs across his lap...I will be sitting there, he will be busy on his computer or something, and then all of a sudden he leans over and gently kisses my toe or the top of my foot...I have to confess I kind of love it...its really the most pure expression of love I've ever experienced. I love that we can just sit together, relax, and out of nowhere he just has to kiss me...

And enter my need to cry again...geez...

Hugs and loves until next time darlings

P.S. I will try to see if I can find a way to post the ultra sound picture. You can't see much, to the untrained eye, it pretty much just looks like a blob, but I promise its my baby...( As Jeff just said, Its MY blob)

2 comments:

Molly and Joe Gutke said...

I know exactly how you feel. I had the most miserable pregnancy. I was horribly sick ALL the time, most days I couldn't keep one single thing down, and even if I did, I felt like throwing it back up. Nothing was appetizing at ALL. I was super duper tired like you too, and whenever women told me being pregnant was the best time of their lives, I thought they were crazy. Unfortunately, all mine didn't stop until a little after my 3rd trimester, but then the pain got worse and worse. :S I hope it goes better for you! (It is worth it in the end, but I think it will make you think twice before having another, lol!) Being a mom is the best ever!

Amber Wray said...

Ah the joys, pains, and emotions of pregnancy! I told Susan I have to buckle up before I talk to you so I can be a helpful passenger. I want to help you navigate instead of being an annoying backseat driver but seriously no GENDER CHECK? YOU SUCK! I am setting up my own gender check for you and I will just have them whisper it in my ear. You can be suprised if you want to but not this Aunt I need to know what I can start making so a top secret gender check is what we shall have! :)