Being Productive

I often feel like I'm not doing enough as a wife, as a mother, for myself...

There are lots of things to juggle.

I'm not going to lie, my house is a complete disaster area 95% of the time...with two kids under 2, messes are an inevitability of life and, to be honest, I get so sick of cleaning up a mess and having to turn around to clean it up again, that often, unless its a hazard, I just leave it and clean it up when the kids are finally in bed for the night...only to have the mess made AGAIN.

On top of the constant mess, my kids are running around in a diaper and no clothes, or last night's pajamas, with orphan child hair...

And my poor husband comes home to it...and I always feel so bad when he pitches in to help and does SO MUCH WORK because he's just gotten home from a 12-16 hour shift at work...I know he just wants to rest.

I've struggled lately more than usual. Feeling very insecure about my abilities to handle everything...I know what you're going to say...Don't worry about the messes, make the memories instead...this too shall pass...don't be influenced by the moms that have it all together on Pinterest...

But, lets be honest- if we have kids we ALL want to be THAT mom...the one that makes cute Bento lunch boxes, the one that has a pristine, sparkly house at least 50 % of the time, the one whose kids are always seasonably dressed with perfectly coiffed hair...its something we aspire to...

I've been pondering on a General Conference talk about Good, Better, and Best by Elder Oaks. (Find it HERE.  If you have NO IDEA what General Conference is and you'd like to know you can find out HERE.)

I guess my biggest struggle is wondering if I'm spending my time wisely...

I spend a lot of time with my girls, in the trenches (a.k.a on the floor) and doing everything I can to help them grow and develop...but when I look at the mess, I want to cry...but then I get up to clean, and I feel SO GUILTY as little voices call out in tears to me from the baby gate or when accidents happen that I'm not there to help prevent...Case in point: On Wednesday, Faith decided it would be a good idea to put her bean bag chair on top of the ottoman and try to sit on it...I was busily trying to wash the dishes that had piled up over the last few days...it was a necessary task. I had NO counter space left and they were starting to pile up on the stove for lack of space. If I wanted my family to eat, I needed to wash dishes. (For the record, we DON'T have an electric dishwasher...I have 2 manual ones, they are known as my hands, and it can be difficult to get to dishes when my hands are otherwise engaged.)  Well, when Faith sat down in her chair, it of course having slippery material, slid on the ottoman and she toppled off of it and on top of her baby sister...

I heard a loud thud, and then screams of bloody murder from two baby girls...

I ran out, and my initial reaction, seeing the position their bodies were in, was that Faith had broken her sister...Phillie was on the bottom of what seemed to be a pile of tangled limbs...I untangled them as gently and quickly as I could and hurriedly stood Faith up and grabbed Phillie... She was fine, more scared than anything. I sat her down and turned to look at Faith. To my horror, there was blood pouring down her face from her nose... I grabbed her, an ice pack, and snuggled her until the bleeding and crying had stopped, checking carefully to make sure that we didn't have a broken nose on our hands...

and the struggle continues...I can't be in two places at once. Of course, I felt guilty about the accident, but I felt frustrated...I can't be in two places at once...my kids needed to eat dinner, I had to do the dishes...so what would have been the better or best decision in that situation?

In the end, I know I did all I could...

The only productive time I have is when my girls nap. Unfortunately, I'm so tired from keeping them out of mischief that I often just want to take a nap myself...but I do my best to wash a load of dishes, put in a load of laundry, clean up BIG messes...all the while wishing I had about 2 more hours of naptime so I could just get it ALL done.

As if I wasn't already struggling enough, I joined with my friend in a challenge to read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover before General Conference...at the time the challenge started 3 or 4 days ago, it was read 21 pages a day for 26 days and you would be done...yeah, I'm STILL only 10 pages in and feeling COMPLETELY like a failure because every day I get notifications from the Facebook group for the challenge where all these lovely women are writing about all their awesome experiences and all that they are learning and how much better it has made them feel...and I sit, dumbfounded, feeling worse and worse because its just NOT happening. I can't read when the girls are awake because they pull the book out of my hands and want to look at it...I can't read when they nap because there are 15 bajillion other things that NEED to be done so my house can function...and by the time Jeff gets home, I pretty much just want to sit down, snuggle with him, and forget about EVERYTHING ELSE that I STILL need to do...

Today, it all came to a head. During the girls morning nap today, I looked at my house and the front yard...had a good cry...and then went out with a scrub brush and disinfectant spray to clean out and take down the beloved splash pool. There was sediment and debris because of all the rainstorms we've had lately...About an hour later, it was completed, and I came inside...I was prepared to sit and take a quick 20 minute break and then tackle the massive pile of dishes in the sink, but the girls had other plans...I pulled them out of bed and put on a movie...and then decided that the dishes HAD to be done...if I wanted to be able to make lunch, I needed pots and pans to cook in. I washed until I couldn't put anything more into the dish drainer...and the girls screamed and screamed at the baby gate because mom wasn't in the room keeping them entertained.

I made lunch and decided to make it up to them by making Bento Box hot dogs. It took more time than I thought it would, and of course, they aren't really old enough to appreciate it, but it made me feel a little better...it was something creative to get my mind off of how stressed I was that EVERYTHING was a disaster in my house.

The girls were fed, Jeff came home for lunch and left, I tore out the girls' Autumn clothes and went through them and put their summer clothes back in storage (Faith took this as an opportunity to play dress up and Phillie crawled in and out of boxes, I decided that as long as no one was screaming, I was GOING to get it done.), and after a few rousing games of build the tower and repeat the words "up" and "down" as it came crashing down, to work on Faith's speech therapy goals, it was finally naptime again.

I put the girls down, and then decided to get on with a project I've been meaning to do since Monday.

I ordered a small toy organizer in hopes that it would help with my efforts to keep the living room a little cleaner. We live in a small house, and I DON'T have the luxury of a playroom for the girls. I had contemplated putting the toys in the girls' room, but I also know that Faith has been fighting her nap/naps recently, and toys would just give her a reason to be out of bed creating havoc.

I set up the toy organizer on Monday and cleaned out the giant tupperware tote that we'd been using as a toy box, dejunking and trying to organize things as best as I could (because the girls were awake while all this was happening).  I decided I'd spend this week watching what stuffed animals REALLY get played with, so that the rest could go to Goodwill (because we don't have a Deseret Industries here).  

Well, today was the day...but I decided to take it one step further. The toy organizer seemed to be working at keeping the mess down because the girls can find what they want without having to tear EVERYTHING out of the toy organizer, but the problem was the placement. We'd moved the toys to a corner next to the couch, but everything that was being strewn about was going under the couch, in between the couch and ottoman, and under the ottoman because the girls didn't want to pull things out and take it to an open area to play... I was DONE stepping on toys when all I wanted was to put my feet up for a few measly minutes..

So...I spent the next 2 hours reorganizing the furniture in my living room. I moved the couch to a different wall, moved the piano to a better location and centralized the toys in front of a large, open, LOVELY playing area on the carpet...

So far, it has seemed to work.  Faith even decided that the space under her art easel where I had stacked the stuffed animals neatly is her new retreat. She spent the better part of an hour underneath the easel, laying on the giant stuffed alligator and playing with the stuffed animals and dolls...Hopefully it continues to work, because it will make my life MUCH easier.

So...in short...today I got the pool cleaned and taken down, did about 1/4 of the dishes (SO MANY MORE TO DO...) got the girls' Autumn wardrobe out and in drawers ready for use, and organized my living room space...

I was "productive"...but at what cost? I'm now kicking myself because I KNOW I didn't do enough of the speech therapy exercises with Faith today, and poor Phillie had about had it by the time bedtime rolled around...if I wasn't RIGHT NEXT TO HER, her world was going to come crashing down... Let's just say, I spent the evening pretty much attached to a mamma deprived one year old who was going to lose it if I did anything other than hold her...Oh, and I yet again didn't read anymore of the Book of Mormon...Yay! More stories of success from EVERYONE ELSE while I quietly sit and shame myself for not making it more of a priority...(yes, I know I could be reading instead of typing this Blog, but I really just need to vent...)

I guess the whole Good, Better, Best thing will always be a struggle...I guess, today has just been a not so great day where I have really struggled to be positive.

I guess, when it all comes down to it, I need to remind myself to be grateful for little victories... So, here they are:

1) I got the pool cleaned, taken down and dried before a MAJOR rainstorm hit this afternoon...we're talking 50 mph wind, pouring rain, and thunder and lightning that pretty much terrified me for an hour because it was shaking my house. If I hadn't spent the short naptime this morning taking care of the pool, it may have blown away or would have been an even bigger disaster to clean out later. Yay me.

2) I made an adorable, balanced lunch for my girls and got to see some of the funniest and sweetest little faces...Faith picked up one of the hot dog octopuses and made an excited noise, but then gave the funniest confused look when she tried to eat it, she had NO CLUE how to get it into her mouth...Phillie just outright didn't even recognize them as hot dogs. I finally had to stop her from picking around them to eat her pears and mac and cheese, and put one of the tentacles of her hot dog squid on her tongue so she could taste it (something I often have to do when its a new food she's never tried before.) Her eyes got really wide, she smiled and yelled out "This is GOOD!" and proceeded to eat her hot dogs...it was so funny to watch her realize that it really was one of her favorite foods.

3) My living room is now organized.  It was nice to sit and play with the girls and not feel the urge to vacuum everything...at least there is one room in the house that I can be at ease in... ay yi yi...

4) The girls now have seasonably appropriate clothes to wear (when they are dressed)...I was very worried the other day when we ran to the store in a freezing rainstorm and I didn't have long pants, long sleeves, or jackets for them to wear...I will feel much better now when we leave the house that we can keep them healthy and happy and prevent them from catching their death of cold as the weather starts to cool down.

5) While I didn't get ALL the dishes done, I was able to do enough that I could make lunch and dinner in my kitchen without wanting to just sit down and cry...

Don't get me wrong, I walk into my kitchen and I want to cry...but once some of the dishes are done, it doesn't seem so bad.

I also need to count other victories...I may not be 84 pages into the Book of Mormon, but I'm 10 pages in...I guess I just need to work at my own pace. A challenge is nice, but I'm seriously going to tear my hair out if I try to catch up, and, let's be honest, am I REALLY going to get that much out of it if I'm just skimming to catch up with everyone else?  I will read at my own pace...even if that means I only get a chapter or a few verses in a day...there is no shame in not being done before conference, and I shouldn't let the other sweet sisters' stories of success at the challenge make me feel bad... we are all at different places in our lives...we all define what is good, better and best for our family, and for ourselves.

Right now...the BEST choice I can make is to spend the time that my daughters are awake with them as MUCH as I possibly can, to be as PRESENT as I possibly can be...Faith needs me more than ever, and that awake time is time I can spend with her doing the exercise that the speech therapist asked me to complete...if today has taught me anything, its that Phillie needs me around. She doesn't necessarily need all the attention (and believe me, when she wants attention, she knows what to do to get it), but she needs to SEE that I'm there and I will help her and give her what she needs when she needs it.

My house will probably be a disaster most of the time...but I'm going to do my best to shoot for 75% of the time...I will get there. I just need to be patient with myself and try to remind that OCD part of myself that there are more important things than a perfectly pristine kitchen...

In the end, perhaps the most productive stuff I do isn't really going to be considered productive from people on the outside looking in, and sometimes it may be. In the end, I just have to be patient and remember that I'm learning how to balance it all, and that is okay. There CAN be joy in learning, I just have to laugh and remember that its okay to not have it all together all the time...its okay to continue to aspire to be better, but I need to STOP obsessing about it, because its only making me less available to the people I love.

Hugs and loves until next time, Darlings. :)

P.S. I promise, I really am feeling a little bit better right now. I think I just needed to vent to think clearly about why it was bothering me so much. Bless you for reading this whole thing! LOL