Conventional Wisdom

In the last few weeks, I've had family and friends post questions as their statuses on Facebook. These questions are purely about manners, etiquette, and social conventions...

The reality in this world is that we all weren't raised in the same household. This can make for some pretty awkward situations when someone does something that your mamma told you wasn't appropriate when you were growing up.  How do you tell them that you are slightly offended, or put off by their actions without offending them or putting them off in return?  There is a fine line that separates you from politely explaining your point of view and coming off as a total jerk.

One question that was posed: "Is there a time of day that you should probably think twice before you call someone?"  My mother always taught me that unless it was an emergency, you probably shouldn't call someone with a family after 7...when I was single I learned that rule still applied, with or without a family...Yes, people make last minute plans, and you don't want to leave anyone out, but you only call someone after 7 if they are a close friend and you know that they aren't trying to wind down for the day...this is just what  my mamma taught me, mind you...and it seems to make a lot sense...

For people with a family, 7 is usually the time that they are getting kids ready for bed... for most families with young children, 7 PM means bathtime, brushed teeth, storytime, lullabies and off to dreamland...For families with older kids, this time of day usually means fights to finish homework, fighting with your kids to finish chores, etc...for a single person it means, finishing homework you'd put off, getting ready for a night out with the girls/guys, cleaning the house because its a disaster and you can't sleep until you do...after 7 is usually a pretty busy time.  Sometimes people don't mind, especially if you apologize when you call, noting that you know its kind of late to be calling...

This seemed to be the convention that all the people I grew up around were raised with.  You knew that if your phone rang after 7 it was an emergency, or it regarded something that had been spaced by someone and they needed an answer right that night (those particular calls were few and far between, and the caller was ALWAYS apologetic.)

However, not everyone was raised with this convention.  In fact, in some households such conventions, mannerisms, and rules of etiquette aren't really ever discussed...which is another lesson I learned when I was single... I was in the middle of writing a paper I'd procrastinated finishing, up at midnight and my phone starts to ring...If I had been in bed asleep like I wanted to be, I probably would have just silenced my phone and not answered and asked them the next day not to call that late...but because I was up and already irritated because my computer had decided to crash losing HALF of the paper because it didn't autosave like it was supposed to...I picked up the phone and this person got a piece of my mind...rather unfortunately...it was a well meaning friend who wanted to tell me that they had arranged a late night game party. It was a weekend and he had figured I'd like to be included....

In the fallout, a few days later. I apologized (of course, because, let's face it I was unusually cranky and kind of rude...) but I also explained that the way I was raised certain times of day were off limits for a phone call, no matter what was going on...he then explained that when he was growing up, he used the phone at all times of day and his parents never really restricted the times that he would call people...he did admit that more than a few times he had angry parents get on the phone when he tried to call friends to explain that their children weren't allowed to accept calls after a certain time, but he'd never really thought of it as a social convention.

Strange.

Another post to Facebook: "After what time is it inappropriate to make an unexpected house call?"
Again, I'd always learned that after 7 was the convention...however, I also learned that you should ALWAYS atleast try to make an appointment. This question came up in regards to Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers...

I know I've mentioned this more than once, but I will say it again. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon).  One of the programs in our church calls the adult members to visit a few families in the ward every month just to make sure that they are okay. They report back to their leadership, who report to the Bishop- this guarantees that all the families are being taken care of and allows the Bishop to have less of a load on his shoulders.  Of course, if there is an issue the Bishop will go out on special visits, in fact he even acts as a home teacher himself for a few families.

It seems like more and more Home Teachers (that's what the male visitors call themselves, they are assigned to check on the welfare of the entire family they visit) and Visiting Teachers (female visitors assigned specifically to check on the welfare of the lady of the house) seem to "drop in" unannounced because of busy schedules and difficulty finding a time that they can get out with their partners (because Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers are supposed to come in pairs)... but I was raised to believe you should do all you can to set and appointment with the people you're supposed to take care of...So, and this is just my opinion of course (I guess) you should try everything you can do to make sure you've made an appointment and keep it.  Also, (in my opinion) if you're constantly just "dropping in" on people when YOU have time and don't bother trying to set an appointment,  then you're missing the point of VT and HT...Your job as a VT or HT is to make life easier for those in your jurisdiction, not to make life easier for yourself.

I know I always get slightly annoyed when my VTs or HTs just drop in because I haven't had time to make sure my house is clean (because, let's face it- life happens and your house isn't "company worthy" 100% of the time...and its EMBARRASSING for people to see it like that.) and also because they don't know my family's schedule.  We eat dinner at certain times, and because of Jeff's job requiring him to be up at 4:30 AM (or earlier sometimes) we go to bed really early (at around 8 PM.) Baby is getting ready for bed at 6:30 and in bed by 7.

Unfortunately, I've read of more than one occasion on Facebook lately where the HT's or VT's came at an inappropriate time...i.e. too late in the evening when parents are trying to get their kids down to bed or, even worse, when the family was already asleep- ringing the doorbell and waking up the whole house...this is the scenario that I find the most unbelievable... for a few reasons:

A) If the whole family was in bed, I would imagine that the house lights would be off (except maybe a hall light.) Its pretty easy to tell when people are not there, or not awake...What would possess you to ring a doorbell to an obviously SILENT house?

and

B) In this particular case, it was 9:30 at night, and a house with small children...What would possess you to think that it was okay to just drop in, unannounced? Dropping in unannounced on a single person at 9:30 at night is even a big no-no...again, this goes back to social conventions...

I remember my mom being a visiting teacher when I was younger. I remember listening to her and her partner talking at church and planning on when to make appointments.  Yes- its difficult, but it can be done...and (as I learned in a single's ward when I was in college) if you can't find an appropriate time to make appointments you need to speak to your Relief Society President or Elder's Quorum President to tell them that the partnership isn't successful because of scheduling and that, unfortunately, until partners are reassigned you won't be able to go out together and will likely need the aid of a presidency member if they prefer your visits to be in partnerships...its all a part of the call of being a VT or HT.

I remember one little conversation that my mom had with a VT partner once...they were planning appointments and her companion noted that she'd already made an appointment for a certain day with a certain sister, but noted that because that sister was a chatter box, they would likely need to make the next appointment a few hours later so they could be sure to be on time and not keep people waiting...

That brings me into another point that someone made...A family member of mine received a text from their HT saying that they were coming by sometime that day with a treat for the family...but gave no time they would be there....they ended up showing up while mom was trying to wrangle the kids in and out of the bathtub and into bed. Fortunately, her husband was home and answered the door and visited with them while she finished getting the kids in bed by herself...

I'm quite close with someone who isn't an active member of the LDS church. She does have HT's and VT's, and every once in a while she'll get a pair that visit regularly...but she had made it a point to tell people that she prefers an appointment to be made...she suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder and it causes her great distress to meet new people (hence her inactivity in the church...she just has a hard time with situations where she is forced to meet large groups of people at once.) She was very sad when they reassigned her HT's because she had built up quite the relationship with the ones she had and it always scares her to have new ones...one of her new HT's, while well meaning, decided to just drop in...well he happened to just "drop in" during a family dinner party...

Well, most normal people would see that you have a full house and apologize and quickly excuse themselves, this gentlemen invited himself in, sat on the already crowded couch and expected to go through the WHOLE HT bit...sharing a spiritual message," is there anything we can do"... Finally, this friend of mine had to politely explain that they, quite obviously didn't have time for his visit and asked him to make an appointment next time... He was offended that she'd asked him to leave...but what else could she do? Her home was full of family members and they were waiting to bless the food and have dinner because of this gentlemen's visit...

This brings me back to my original question...HOW in the world do we explain what is and isn't appropriate in our homes without causing offense...and if it happens again, in spite of our attempts to be polite about it...what then?

I have a few tips that have helped me in my experiences...

1) Don't wait until you're angry to address it.  If you keep allowing it to build up and up you will find it even more difficult to be polite when you're at your wits end.

2) Make your rules clear and keep them across the board. If you don't think its appropriate for people to be calling your home after a certain hour then don't answer it...of course, you may possibly make exceptions if its an unexpected call from a family member in case its an emergency, but if 7 or 8 PM is the time you deem as the cut-off time for your home then make it the cut-off time!  If its important, then people will leave a message and you can always check a message and call them back if they need an answer to a question ASAP, or it can wait for the morning or afternoon at a more appropriate time the next day. People will eventually catch on that you don't pick up after a certain time...and if they question you about it, you can politely explain that this particular time when they are trying to call is a busy time in your home, and a time you prefer to have just for your family and give them some options for more appropriate times that they can reach you...Most cell phones have options where you can turn the ringer off but keep the alarm on (if you happen to use it as an alarm clock in the morning.) Turn your ringer off and, again, they can leave a message if its important.

3) If people come to your door at an inappropriate time you can always send them away with a smile, a quick explanation of why their choice of time is inappropriate, and a list of more appropriate times for a visit.

4) If you have a "repeat offender" on your hands when it comes to dropping in at an inappropriate time, you have the right to, as politely as possible, explain that you have given them a list of appropriate times for a visit should they need to "pop in", and you've already asked them more than once to make an appointment. As kindly as possible, tell them that you will no longer answer your door if they come to your house after a certain hour. (One of my close friends had to do this, and yes, their visitor left a little offended, but they never had a repeat of the problem and their "repeat offender" made sure to make appointments for their visits from then on.)

5) Make sure you teach your kids about social conventions! It seems like more and more young adults are going into the world having absolutely NO CLUE that they may offend some people by calling too late or trying to visit too late.  Of course, make it clear that others may not share these social conventions, but that you have good reasons for your rules, and that you know of many other people who share your opinion. Make sure you explain WHY you are teaching them what they are learning. They can, of course, adjust their own conventions as they get older, but it doesn't hurt to try to teach them what you deem as "good manners." Also, set a good example when it comes to dealing with people who don't share your social conventions...teach your kids to be polite in all aspects of their life- especially when people aren't being polite to them.  They will learn from you how to walk away from situations as the "bigger person".

6) Don't be afraid to share your social conventions with others.  There may be cases like mine where someone wasn't raised to know that there may be an impolite time to make a phone call or house visit. You may save them from more embarrassing situations in the future by lovingly and patiently explaining a convention that you, and perhaps the community you were raised in share.

7) If all else fails- remember to love! Remember that earlier phrase I said, "People choose to take offense."?  Well, it applies to you as well. Try to remember that not everyone was raised in the same community as you, or by the same parents and they may not even realize that what they are doing is offensive. Patience and love will always win out in the end...you just have to wait for the benefits and rewards of them sometimes...hence the whole PATIENCE part...

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!