The Breastfeeding Breakdown

I want to start this post with a disclaimer... These are MY thoughts and reflections after my experience. Just because this was my experience, doesn't mean that it will be or is everyone's experience. I just feel its important to tell it like it is.

I will take you back to that special moment I described in my last post.

I laid in the delivery bed, shaking uncontrollably from shock and adrenaline after delivering one of the most beautiful babies on the planet... I FINALLY had the chance for skin to skin contact (something I had planned and wanted with my other two kids but because of pre-term labor with #1 and hospital policies with #2, I was denied the opportunity). Little Vi started to root, the  nurse, knowing I was shaking so badly, asked if I even wanted to attempt to let her latch. I nodded my head through my tears and like magic, she had a mouth big enough to latch (Yes, something you're not told when you're younger about breast feeding, when you're well endowed, sometimes the baby doesn't have a big enough mouth to latch and feed...this had been my fate with my other two kids.) Without any assistance to get the latch right, she started to suckle like a champ...

Of course, I had my other concern. Because of the way my breast anatomy is built, I don't produce milk until late in the game and normally don't produce colostrum until a few days after birth.

I voiced this concern to the nurse. She said she would send a referral into the lactation consultant ASAP.

My meeting with the lactation consultant this time around was VERY different from my experience after I had Phillie. This lactation consultant was kind, she listened, she didn't try to dismiss my concerns, and she tried to give me all the suggestions she could to make my attempts at breast feeding this time around successful.

Towards the end of our session, Vi started making gulping sounds every once in a while. The lactation consultant said that is usually a sign they are getting something...it may not be much but she was getting something...but considering that there were several minutes between gulps, she also knew that my production was slow to start.

She told me to keep at it, to pump as much as I could after I'd fed her to encourage production to be faster, and to take each day as it came. The best part was how supportive she was about the decision to continue or not to continue being mine and mine alone and that there was no shame if things didn't work as long as I had tried my best.

Well..I took that advice and gratefully accepted the support...I just wish that she had told me a few other things.

I wish I'd been told how painful it would be even with a good latch for the first few weeks... I wish I'd been warned about cluster feeding (where the baby wants to feed constantly every 5 minutes for 2-3 hours at a time), and I wish I'd been prepared for the feelings of indifference I would have.

I assumed that since we were latching like champs with no help (the lactation consultant gave us a 9 out of 10 score for our latch, and the only reason she gave me a 9 was because baby was so sleepy and I wasn't successfully able to get her to wake up very easily.), everything was going to be smooth sailing.

I was so wrong.

Here is where MY feelings come in. Take them or leave them, but I'm going to keep it real.

While I wasn't blistered or cracked, my nipples were bruised and sore because Vi had and has such a strong sucking reflex. Nursing was so painful that I would have to psyche myself up to do it EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

It didn't feel natural. It didn't feel magical. It didn't feel like a bonding moment...in fact, it felt like the opposite of a bonding moment. I started to resent feeding time.

Because my production was slow, Vi started cluster feeding, which made it even worse.

I would cry every time it was time for her to eat (I'm not exaggerating. I was in tears every time I had to lift my shirt). I was scared. A) It hurt so badly that it felt like a sick form of torture and B) was this going to be one of those times where she would latch for 10 minutes on each side, then 5 minutes later she would want to go again and the cycle would continue for 3 hours making the pain even WORSE the next time?

I called my L&D nurse sister. She has done a few breast feeding consultations in her day... I knew my latch was fine. As long as I wasn't blistered or bleeding, I was assured it was fine...but there had to be something else I could do.

Finally, the truth: Its normal for it to hurt and be a sick form of painful torture...your nipples have to callous up. You just have to push through it,but it will get easier...

I felt defeated, but continued because I had no reason not to other than me being selfish and not wanting to be in pain...

Baby had stopped having bowel movements and wet diapers around day 4 post partum. This meant she wasn't getting enough of whatever I was producing. I did what the lactation consultant had told me to do and started supplementing. When we went to the doctor's office on day 5 post partum for him to check to be sure we weren't having any complications from Group B Strep, I told him I'd started to supplement and why and he agreed I had done the right thing...

Day 6, I finally started to produce milk as I pumped...but I was still not able to keep up with baby's needs and I was in so much pain that I wasn't sure I could keep torturing myself.

I realized that I wasn't enjoying my baby...I was dreading time with her. I was resenting having her attached to my breast every 5 minutes...

I won't lie when I say I was somewhat relieved on Day 7 when she started exhibiting symptoms of a milk allergy or intolerance. She was getting eczema on her back and face, she had mucousy diarrhea, she was wretching like she was preparing to vomit after she ate, and she was super gassy and irritable. I recognized all of the symptoms verbatim from what I'd experienced with Faith. It took us 6 months to discover that a milk allergy was the culprit with her and I didn't want to take that long this time around...

We tested for an intolerance first. I started to supplement with a sensitive formula and relied on information I'd read on breast feeding websites that milk proteins in breast milk were already partially broken down like they were in a sensitive formula. This helped with the diarrhea, but the eczema and gas were still catastrophic and we still had diarrhea in about half of the poopy diapers we changed, and she was still making wretching noises after a feeding.

Of course, while I was dealing with the pain of breast feeding and trying to figure out how to get baby over the symptoms she was exhibiting, everyone in the house came down with stomach flu. I will say I feel very blessed that I was still breast feeding when this was going on because it kept her from catching it. After watching how sick her big sisters got, I know without a doubt that we would have ended up in the hospital with Sweet Vi in the PICU if she had caught it. I got sick early on and Jeff fed her with a bottle while I pumped in order to spare her from being too close to me and catching it that way.

After about a week (a week of Hades...trying to breastfeed when you're in intense pain and don't want to AND clean up after puking kids while healing from delivering a baby just the week before is NO picnic..), we tried the soy formula. The plan was that I would pump to keep production up on the off chance that the soy didn't give us any change either. However, after the first bottle, it was like night and day. No wretching after her feeding, no gas after the feeding...for the first time in a week, my baby slept through the night with no tummy discomfort.  The night after we started our soy experiment, I woke up engorged and desperate to pump at the same time that baby woke up for food. Out of desperation, I went ahead and let her nurse because I knew I couldn't wait the 15-20 minutes it would take for her to eat her bottle to pump...BIG mistake... I spent the rest of the night up with a gassy, miserable, wretching baby.

That sealed the deal. She was so different after a bottle feeding on the soy. I broke the news to my husband that we were done breast feeding and secretly did a happy dance on the inside.

Beyond everyone being sick, I had realized how difficult it was going to be to maintain a breastfeeding schedule with my other kids to care for. My sister had assured me that around the 6 week mark things would be easier and baby would eat much faster, but, to be honest, between dealing with 2 toddlers , one of which needs to be on a rigorous therapy schedule for Autism and doesn't have the communication skills to understand why she has to wait for a snack or a sippy, and the other being impatient and adjusting to not being the "baby" anymore, and the pain that I was told would go away eventually, I was at the end of my rope... Jeff came home at the end of a week of hell with two sick kids and I broke down and sobbed in his arms. I was at the end of my rope. I apologized for giving up on breast feeding but explained that the bottle had made things so much easier that week...for one, it was nice to not have an irritable baby to deal with on top of puking kids, and it was so much faster to feed her with a bottle. She would eat, be full, and sleep so I could deal with the house that was slowly imploding around me.

It has been a week since we gave up breast feeding.

Yes, I know that I could have cut dairy out of my own diet and continued, but, to be honest, I don't necessarily think that is the healthiest option for either of us. It means I end up lacking important nutrition in my own body and she has to rely on me to be vigilant enough to try to replace what I'm lacking with another food option. Because of my Insulin Resistance, maintaining my diet to be healthy is already tricky and time consuming as it is. I lacked the patience to try to find substitutes and I knew that would leave both of us at risk for health problems. A few studies released the week before I gave birth actually addressed those concerns and found that in all cases, the mother that cut out the entire dairy food group to continue nursing ended up having a higher occurrence of osteoporosis later on in life and when they tested the nutrition content of the breast milk, it actually had LESS nutrients than formula.

I consulted her pediatrician about the milk intolerance on Tuesday at her 2 week well child check (we had to push it back a week because everyone was vomiting and I wasn't about to put 2 sick toddlers into the car and a newborn and drive to the doctor's office ALL BY MYSELF). He agreed that I had hit the nail on the head with the diagnosis and laughed that I was making his job too easy. I told him we were still dealing with extra gas sometimes as we were adjusting to the soy, but he said that unless it gets to the point it was before, we won't worry about it because the next option is the Nutramigen formula which is  much more expensive and smells SUPER nasty.  He said as long as she isn't having diarrhea and there is no eczema, we will keep her on the soy and label her with a milk intolerance and reassess whether its an allergy or not when she hits the year mark.

In the end, I will say that, in spite of the torture, I had every intention of continuing my breast feeding experience and would have had she not had the milk intolerance. I did get the experience of watching everyone in my house vomit and have diarrhea for a week and a half and my baby didn't get sick at all because of the antibodies in my breast milk. I see the benefits. I just couldn't let her be miserable and sick with a milk intolerance in order to continue.

Drying up sucks and is painful too, but I am sad to admit that I wasn't able to REALLY start enjoying my baby until this week.

I look forward to feeding time now. With my hectic schedule taking care of Faith and Phillie, feeding time is a time now when I can focus 100% on snuggling and loving Vianca. I no longer have the mental block of searing pain and fear standing between us. I feel more bonded with her now than I did 3 weeks ago when we were bringing her home from the hospital.

 I fully believe that it was an act of God that she was able to breast feed long enough to be spared being sick with the nasty stomach flu that hit our house. With Jeff being out of town, as well as ALL of my in laws that live in Logan, I don't know what I would have done if I'd had a baby in the PICU with stomach flu and dehydrated and two sick kids at home.  However, in an odd way, I feel like her milk intolerance was a blessing too.

I felt so guilty for resenting the time I needed to spend with my baby to feed her. I felt guilty for wanting to run and hide every time she cried out to be fed... the intolerance took the guilt out of the scenario. I was able to stop breast feeding without beating myself up for being selfish and just not wanting to put up with the pain anymore.

I find myself wondering if things would have been different had I been handed a different deck of cards when I brought Vi home. Jeff was sent away for the week on a business trip right after we brought her home, I had no family around to help and I was running on very little sleep because of cluster feedings and having a gassy baby. When you couple that with two toddlers, it definitely doesn't bode well for feeling well rested or like you're successfully adjusting to being a mom of three...but then add to that having a two week old baby, getting stomach flu yourself and having to take care of two toddlers with stomach flu. I really was fighting a losing battle. I'm sure much of the resentment, fear, and frustration I was dealing with came from a place of severe sleep deprivation and being completely exhausted beyond all reason... in the end, I really do feel blessed that I had the time I did in order to keep Vi healthy when everyone was sick, but I am also grateful that I was able to stop so I could focus on enjoying my baby and not have to focus on the pain and fear that I had come to associate with breast feeding.

Ultimately, I needed to remember my advice from a post I made a few weeks ago about breast feeding. You need to do what is best for YOUR family and focus on making the decision that is right for all of your kids so that you can enjoy being a mom without added pressure.

Breastfeeding is great, and my hat goes off to the blessed women who are able to push through and continue and those that are willing to put their own health at risk to cut out an entire food group and continue on, but I can honestly say that I'm not so sure its for me. I will, of course, try again with the next baby. I always want to try and I will continue to hope for the magical situation where I'm lucky enough to have it work out, but this time it was just too much with everything else I already need to be able to do for my other kids, and I think I would have gone crazy if I'd tried to find something to replace dairy in my diet. I barely have time to eat as it is right now...

To my friends that are questioning whether or not its for them, I urge you to try and don't be afraid to make the discovery that its just not going to work. Its worth the effort, your experience may be different than mine, but if you find yourself overwhelmed, stressed, and feeling like you can't enjoy your baby it may be time to ask yourself if its really worth  the emotional toll and don't fear the answer or feel like a failure for it. Every family is different. Every mom that works with an intent of the best for her family is a good mom.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

Conventional Wisdom

In the last few weeks, I've had family and friends post questions as their statuses on Facebook. These questions are purely about manners, etiquette, and social conventions...

The reality in this world is that we all weren't raised in the same household. This can make for some pretty awkward situations when someone does something that your mamma told you wasn't appropriate when you were growing up.  How do you tell them that you are slightly offended, or put off by their actions without offending them or putting them off in return?  There is a fine line that separates you from politely explaining your point of view and coming off as a total jerk.

One question that was posed: "Is there a time of day that you should probably think twice before you call someone?"  My mother always taught me that unless it was an emergency, you probably shouldn't call someone with a family after 7...when I was single I learned that rule still applied, with or without a family...Yes, people make last minute plans, and you don't want to leave anyone out, but you only call someone after 7 if they are a close friend and you know that they aren't trying to wind down for the day...this is just what  my mamma taught me, mind you...and it seems to make a lot sense...

For people with a family, 7 is usually the time that they are getting kids ready for bed... for most families with young children, 7 PM means bathtime, brushed teeth, storytime, lullabies and off to dreamland...For families with older kids, this time of day usually means fights to finish homework, fighting with your kids to finish chores, etc...for a single person it means, finishing homework you'd put off, getting ready for a night out with the girls/guys, cleaning the house because its a disaster and you can't sleep until you do...after 7 is usually a pretty busy time.  Sometimes people don't mind, especially if you apologize when you call, noting that you know its kind of late to be calling...

This seemed to be the convention that all the people I grew up around were raised with.  You knew that if your phone rang after 7 it was an emergency, or it regarded something that had been spaced by someone and they needed an answer right that night (those particular calls were few and far between, and the caller was ALWAYS apologetic.)

However, not everyone was raised with this convention.  In fact, in some households such conventions, mannerisms, and rules of etiquette aren't really ever discussed...which is another lesson I learned when I was single... I was in the middle of writing a paper I'd procrastinated finishing, up at midnight and my phone starts to ring...If I had been in bed asleep like I wanted to be, I probably would have just silenced my phone and not answered and asked them the next day not to call that late...but because I was up and already irritated because my computer had decided to crash losing HALF of the paper because it didn't autosave like it was supposed to...I picked up the phone and this person got a piece of my mind...rather unfortunately...it was a well meaning friend who wanted to tell me that they had arranged a late night game party. It was a weekend and he had figured I'd like to be included....

In the fallout, a few days later. I apologized (of course, because, let's face it I was unusually cranky and kind of rude...) but I also explained that the way I was raised certain times of day were off limits for a phone call, no matter what was going on...he then explained that when he was growing up, he used the phone at all times of day and his parents never really restricted the times that he would call people...he did admit that more than a few times he had angry parents get on the phone when he tried to call friends to explain that their children weren't allowed to accept calls after a certain time, but he'd never really thought of it as a social convention.

Strange.

Another post to Facebook: "After what time is it inappropriate to make an unexpected house call?"
Again, I'd always learned that after 7 was the convention...however, I also learned that you should ALWAYS atleast try to make an appointment. This question came up in regards to Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers...

I know I've mentioned this more than once, but I will say it again. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon).  One of the programs in our church calls the adult members to visit a few families in the ward every month just to make sure that they are okay. They report back to their leadership, who report to the Bishop- this guarantees that all the families are being taken care of and allows the Bishop to have less of a load on his shoulders.  Of course, if there is an issue the Bishop will go out on special visits, in fact he even acts as a home teacher himself for a few families.

It seems like more and more Home Teachers (that's what the male visitors call themselves, they are assigned to check on the welfare of the entire family they visit) and Visiting Teachers (female visitors assigned specifically to check on the welfare of the lady of the house) seem to "drop in" unannounced because of busy schedules and difficulty finding a time that they can get out with their partners (because Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers are supposed to come in pairs)... but I was raised to believe you should do all you can to set and appointment with the people you're supposed to take care of...So, and this is just my opinion of course (I guess) you should try everything you can do to make sure you've made an appointment and keep it.  Also, (in my opinion) if you're constantly just "dropping in" on people when YOU have time and don't bother trying to set an appointment,  then you're missing the point of VT and HT...Your job as a VT or HT is to make life easier for those in your jurisdiction, not to make life easier for yourself.

I know I always get slightly annoyed when my VTs or HTs just drop in because I haven't had time to make sure my house is clean (because, let's face it- life happens and your house isn't "company worthy" 100% of the time...and its EMBARRASSING for people to see it like that.) and also because they don't know my family's schedule.  We eat dinner at certain times, and because of Jeff's job requiring him to be up at 4:30 AM (or earlier sometimes) we go to bed really early (at around 8 PM.) Baby is getting ready for bed at 6:30 and in bed by 7.

Unfortunately, I've read of more than one occasion on Facebook lately where the HT's or VT's came at an inappropriate time...i.e. too late in the evening when parents are trying to get their kids down to bed or, even worse, when the family was already asleep- ringing the doorbell and waking up the whole house...this is the scenario that I find the most unbelievable... for a few reasons:

A) If the whole family was in bed, I would imagine that the house lights would be off (except maybe a hall light.) Its pretty easy to tell when people are not there, or not awake...What would possess you to ring a doorbell to an obviously SILENT house?

and

B) In this particular case, it was 9:30 at night, and a house with small children...What would possess you to think that it was okay to just drop in, unannounced? Dropping in unannounced on a single person at 9:30 at night is even a big no-no...again, this goes back to social conventions...

I remember my mom being a visiting teacher when I was younger. I remember listening to her and her partner talking at church and planning on when to make appointments.  Yes- its difficult, but it can be done...and (as I learned in a single's ward when I was in college) if you can't find an appropriate time to make appointments you need to speak to your Relief Society President or Elder's Quorum President to tell them that the partnership isn't successful because of scheduling and that, unfortunately, until partners are reassigned you won't be able to go out together and will likely need the aid of a presidency member if they prefer your visits to be in partnerships...its all a part of the call of being a VT or HT.

I remember one little conversation that my mom had with a VT partner once...they were planning appointments and her companion noted that she'd already made an appointment for a certain day with a certain sister, but noted that because that sister was a chatter box, they would likely need to make the next appointment a few hours later so they could be sure to be on time and not keep people waiting...

That brings me into another point that someone made...A family member of mine received a text from their HT saying that they were coming by sometime that day with a treat for the family...but gave no time they would be there....they ended up showing up while mom was trying to wrangle the kids in and out of the bathtub and into bed. Fortunately, her husband was home and answered the door and visited with them while she finished getting the kids in bed by herself...

I'm quite close with someone who isn't an active member of the LDS church. She does have HT's and VT's, and every once in a while she'll get a pair that visit regularly...but she had made it a point to tell people that she prefers an appointment to be made...she suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder and it causes her great distress to meet new people (hence her inactivity in the church...she just has a hard time with situations where she is forced to meet large groups of people at once.) She was very sad when they reassigned her HT's because she had built up quite the relationship with the ones she had and it always scares her to have new ones...one of her new HT's, while well meaning, decided to just drop in...well he happened to just "drop in" during a family dinner party...

Well, most normal people would see that you have a full house and apologize and quickly excuse themselves, this gentlemen invited himself in, sat on the already crowded couch and expected to go through the WHOLE HT bit...sharing a spiritual message," is there anything we can do"... Finally, this friend of mine had to politely explain that they, quite obviously didn't have time for his visit and asked him to make an appointment next time... He was offended that she'd asked him to leave...but what else could she do? Her home was full of family members and they were waiting to bless the food and have dinner because of this gentlemen's visit...

This brings me back to my original question...HOW in the world do we explain what is and isn't appropriate in our homes without causing offense...and if it happens again, in spite of our attempts to be polite about it...what then?

I have a few tips that have helped me in my experiences...

1) Don't wait until you're angry to address it.  If you keep allowing it to build up and up you will find it even more difficult to be polite when you're at your wits end.

2) Make your rules clear and keep them across the board. If you don't think its appropriate for people to be calling your home after a certain hour then don't answer it...of course, you may possibly make exceptions if its an unexpected call from a family member in case its an emergency, but if 7 or 8 PM is the time you deem as the cut-off time for your home then make it the cut-off time!  If its important, then people will leave a message and you can always check a message and call them back if they need an answer to a question ASAP, or it can wait for the morning or afternoon at a more appropriate time the next day. People will eventually catch on that you don't pick up after a certain time...and if they question you about it, you can politely explain that this particular time when they are trying to call is a busy time in your home, and a time you prefer to have just for your family and give them some options for more appropriate times that they can reach you...Most cell phones have options where you can turn the ringer off but keep the alarm on (if you happen to use it as an alarm clock in the morning.) Turn your ringer off and, again, they can leave a message if its important.

3) If people come to your door at an inappropriate time you can always send them away with a smile, a quick explanation of why their choice of time is inappropriate, and a list of more appropriate times for a visit.

4) If you have a "repeat offender" on your hands when it comes to dropping in at an inappropriate time, you have the right to, as politely as possible, explain that you have given them a list of appropriate times for a visit should they need to "pop in", and you've already asked them more than once to make an appointment. As kindly as possible, tell them that you will no longer answer your door if they come to your house after a certain hour. (One of my close friends had to do this, and yes, their visitor left a little offended, but they never had a repeat of the problem and their "repeat offender" made sure to make appointments for their visits from then on.)

5) Make sure you teach your kids about social conventions! It seems like more and more young adults are going into the world having absolutely NO CLUE that they may offend some people by calling too late or trying to visit too late.  Of course, make it clear that others may not share these social conventions, but that you have good reasons for your rules, and that you know of many other people who share your opinion. Make sure you explain WHY you are teaching them what they are learning. They can, of course, adjust their own conventions as they get older, but it doesn't hurt to try to teach them what you deem as "good manners." Also, set a good example when it comes to dealing with people who don't share your social conventions...teach your kids to be polite in all aspects of their life- especially when people aren't being polite to them.  They will learn from you how to walk away from situations as the "bigger person".

6) Don't be afraid to share your social conventions with others.  There may be cases like mine where someone wasn't raised to know that there may be an impolite time to make a phone call or house visit. You may save them from more embarrassing situations in the future by lovingly and patiently explaining a convention that you, and perhaps the community you were raised in share.

7) If all else fails- remember to love! Remember that earlier phrase I said, "People choose to take offense."?  Well, it applies to you as well. Try to remember that not everyone was raised in the same community as you, or by the same parents and they may not even realize that what they are doing is offensive. Patience and love will always win out in the end...you just have to wait for the benefits and rewards of them sometimes...hence the whole PATIENCE part...

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!