Thursday, May 3, 2012

Anxiety


Sitting here in the family waiting room...all by myself. Part of me is wishing I hadn't taken my visiting teacher up on her offer to babysit today...at least I would have SOMEONE...anyone...

I look down at my left hand, Jeff's wedding band around my thumb. I'll twist and turn it around my finger every now and again. I think back to sitting with him before they took him to surgery... his reaction was so funny...he kept looking down at his naked finger and seemed completely off-put by the fact that there is nothing there...

Part of me chuckles...I think back to when we were first getting married and he asked if I would be okay with him not having a wedding band, or wearing it on a chain around his neck, claiming that he was just not a "jewelry" kind of guy...I won out...and now, he obviously feels naked without it.

I know the surgery is fairly routine and straight forward...but I still worry.

I waited a long time for my prince charming...and having him be sick, even a little bit, shakes me to my very core.

Its so funny...I was very independent before I got married. I was capable of taking care of myself with very little assistance from anyone. Of course, my family was always there, and I was grateful for that...but ultimately, I knew that the only person I could rely on was me...


Fast forward almost 2 years and I honestly can't picture a life without this crazy, amazing, wonderful, funny guy...the thought of not having him around brings me to tears.

What would I do without him?  How would I go on? The pain those thoughts bring is almost unimaginable.

Losing Jeff has moved to the top of my biggest fears list.

I watched what my mom went through after my dad died when I was twelve...until now, I don't think I've ever been able to fully grasp just how much pain, and terror she was living with on a daily basis. It makes me even more grateful for her.  She may not think she was very strong, but the reality is, if it took me this long to really even remotely understand what she was going through, she was hiding it well.

Its so funny how one person can change everything you think you know about yourself.  Maybe I'm just a worry wart, but I believe my early experiences with death have made me a little more aware of just how real the possibility that someone may not be there the next day could be.  Every day that Jeff wakes up and kisses me on the forehead is a day that I pray and thank God that he is still here...

and he's not even sick (other than the hernia he is currently in surgery for)...he is usually so healthy and strong.

So....here I sit...waiting for the moment where I get to say a silent prayer and thank my Heavenly Father that I still have such a wonderful man in my life, and that my babies still get the chance to spend time with their amazing and wonderful dad...

He was terrified to be a father- I think most men are at first- he even said that he didn't know what to do with a baby...the truth that most women know is that no one really knows until they're in it, you figure it out as you go along...Well, he's figured it out beautifully. He is so wonderful with our Little Diva...he knows just what to do to make her laugh and smile, and she cannot get enough of her daddy. She has him wrapped around her little finger, and he has her heart...its a good exchange.

I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple. I am grateful that I know that my husband and I have the opportunity to be together forever as long as we live up to our covenants to each other and God.

Heaven just wouldn't be heaven without Jeff there...

I know we're working on forever...but I wouldn't mind another 100 years here to enjoy him.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.


1 comment:

Lisa Thomas said...

I completely understand this post. And I feel for Paul everything you feel for Jeff. Thanks for the reminder (again). You are a lucky lady.