I have been debating over the last few days if I should post this or not. The main reason is because I normally blog while I'm at work (between customers! Don't worry, I'm no slacker, but 2 hours in the box office can go pretty slowly if you have nothing to do)... but I'm not at work today, and I find myself wanting to say all of the things I've been thinking.
Many of you who know me well, know that my dad passed away when I was 12. I still miss him every day. This month marks 15 years that he has been on the other side, doing what he was called away to do. His patriarchal blessing foretold of his early passing, and used the scriptural line, "wist ye not that I must be about my father's business?" Many of my family members (me included) firmly believe that he is on the other side of the veil doing missionary work. My grandfather was the first member of the church in his family, which leaves a lot of Winbergs waiting to hear the gospel and have their temple work done. For those of you who are not LDS, this may not make any sense, let me explain: we believe in life after death, we believe that those who did not have a chance to hear the word of god before their passing are now receiving that opportunity, which is why we do lots of family history work and temple work for the deceased. We also believe that they have the right to accept or decline the work that has been done for them.
But that isn't what this blog is about. Not only does this month mark 15 years since his passing, 15 years since he hasn't been physically present...it marks my birthday, and his birthday. The month of October is always one of mixed emotions for me. It is my favorite month, not because of my birthday, but because I love autumn, I always have. I love walking in crunchy leaves, Halloween, and pumpkin cookies, pies, and toasted pumpkin seeds...October is the month when all of this comes on full force...but it also is month of sad memories- that fateful night when we had to say goodbye all too soon...
I'm also getting married next month...and that coupled with the regular hum drums that I find myself having in the month of October have both caused me to reflect a little bit and wonder. I have a few questions that I wish I could ask my dad, but he isn't here to give me an answer to them. So I have decided to write him a letter:
How are things where you are? Are you getting a lot done? I bet you are, you always seemed to be busy and accomplishing a lot before you left. I'm sorry I haven't been better on my end, I know I need to be doing some family history work. I promise, I will start to work on it when things have slowed down a little bit.
So, a lot has been going on. I often sit and think to myself, "Hmmm self...I wonder if dad knows?" Do you know dad? Were you there when I graduated from high school 8 years ago? It seems like such a long time ago, but maybe for you it wasn't. Were you there when I sang my first solo in Europe? That was so cool! I wish I could have seen the look on your face. Were you there when I graduated with my Bachelors in Music? my Masters? (P.S. Were you disappointed that I decided to study music instead of something more practical? Then again, I think you always knew that I was a dreamer. You always told me to follow my dreams and work hard for them. I was just following your advice.)
The biggest news of all....I'm turning 27! Ha ha...well I guess that isn't the biggest news... I am getting married. I wish you could be here. I wish you could meet Jeff and talk about "guy stuff" with him. I wish you could tell him the story that I made you tell me over and over again. You know, the story about how you and your friends out at the INL were bored one day so you took liquid nitrogen and froze dead lab animals and threw them on the ceiling so they would shatter everywhere....I look back and I wonder why I liked that story so much. Its actually really gross...maybe it was just the way you told it. I bet Jeff would love it.
That's his name by the way, Jeff. I think you'd like him a lot. He hasn't asked me to give up my love for BYU football or the 49ers, so I think you can rest easily knowing that I will be with him for eternity.
You know that thing you used to do to tickle me? You'd make a gun out of your finger, make that funny sound, and from across the room I would feel it and writhe on the floor in the delicious agony of being tickled...he does that. I don't think anyone else has ever been successful in attempting to make a mental connection for tickling me like you did...I guess that's just one more reason you'd like him- he makes me laugh and he loves to do it.
Do you remember how I used to lay my head on your chest and listen to your heartbeat? We'd snuggle up on the couch after you got dinner started, it was our special daddy and Brittany time. No one else could intervene. You would play with my hair and we would watch General Hospital...haha...well minus the General Hospital, I find myself in that position with Jeff a lot. You know the best part? Its just as good as I remember it being, in fact, its better...I love feeling safe, I love feeling loved...He gives me that daddy. I bet you would love him for it.
I wonder what the look on your face would be to see me in my wedding dress? I think I will look fabulous, but then again, you know I've always had a flair for the dramatic and whimsical. You will be happy to know that mom and Parker are working extra super hard to make sure that the big day will be every bit as special as you wanted it to be.
Thanks for sending us another dad. I don't think we were ready for it, but I believe that you had a bit of a hand in making sure Parker got to the right place. He needed us, and we needed him. It was a tough start, but we made it through, and I feel very fortunate to know that I have an awesome dad here on earth to look out for me, and I have you.
I miss you. I miss the way you smelled like Old Spice. I miss you making up funny songs, I miss the way you used to call me peanut and Brittmeister. I miss your cheesecake.
But I know you're looking out for me.
I hope you can make it to my wedding. I know I won't see you, but a little sign that you're there, a little sign that you're proud of me, that you're happy for me, would be greatly appreciated.
Stay strong. I know that someday we will see eachother again. Thank you for that gift of knowledge. Thank you for marrying mom in the temple. Thank you for making sure our family was a forever family...Eternity would be pretty crummy without you and everyone else that I love so much.
I love you!
Hugs and loves until next time darlings!