So...I totally had an epiphany- which is funny, considering that my older sister just had a similar epiphany...allow me to elaborate.
Of course, post break up, every girl pin points an insecurity (even if they know that it has nothing to do with what went wrong) and decides to pick at it until it becomes a festering pustule... for me, my biggest insecurity has always been my weight. I've always been the "fat sister" and, although I don't think they consciously try to make me aware of it, I've always felt like my sisters kind of enjoyed rubbing it in my face. About a year and a half ago, I was the "skinny sister" I was healthy and feeling good- that was also right about the time that I ended up being taken off of my medication for my Metabolic Syndrome, which basically sent me on a spiral back to sicksville...but that is beyond the point... the point is, I've been picking at it and picking at it and picking at it...it isn't my fault- I basically live off of fresh veggies and chicken all year- but because I've been sick the pounds have come back on. I'm in no way "fat" or "obese" I would probably just say that I have a little "junk in the trunk" and not really in a bad way. Well, finding out that I'm sick and having the magic pill to fix it all has given me a new lease on things and I've been working out like a mad woman.
My sister and I have both starting kicking our sad butts out of bed at the crack of dawn to exercise every morning, and I have friends in Montana that I am keeping in touch with and we are motivating each other to stay on track. It has been a good thing, but, in spite of all of this positivity, I've still been picking...and really being down on myself.
Well, tonight I went to meet with my Stake President, and its official, I have my temple recommend and all I have to do is call the temple and set a time to take out my Endowment. I am super excited, but I also decided that I wanted to feel better about myself- I want to be at my very best as I partake of the spirit in the house of the Lord. So I was lying in bed and tossing and turning and I said a prayer...and then I kept thinking of my favorite passage of scripture. Proverbs 31: 10-31... I decided I should just get out of bed a read it.
I got to verse 18-a virtuous woman "percieveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night" so that got me to thinking. I know that my biggest desire is to live up to this passage of scripture- it has become sort of a creed for me, and I have changed aspects of my life and gone out of my way to make sure that I am being a virtuous woman.
Well, part of being a virtuous woman then, according to verse 18, is knowing that you are a virtuous woman- you don't have to flaunt it, but you have to recognize that you have divine worth and use it to make you a better person. So- in all my struggles, and in all my picking, I have started throwing that virtuous woman that I was trying to maintain out the window. So, ladies and gentleman, the window is now closed!
I know that I am beautiful and intelligent. While my deepest desire is to someday marry and have a family, I deserve the family of a virtuous woman and I don't have to settle for just any shmuck off the street (that's right I'm using yiddish, get over it!) I also don't have to settle for thinking that I am "the fat sister" because in that way I am selling myself short- I am beautiful! People have said this to me before- I've always had a hard time accepting it...so now, I am going to work on being able to accept that complement and know that it is true. True beauty isn't about weight or the size of dress that you wear- it is about a lot of things, it comes from within, it comes from striving to be a virtuous woman, and if someone can't see that- if they can't recognize that you are beautiful when you know that you are, then they obviously aren't looking for a virtuous woman- they obviously don't want the very best- which means they aren't the very best and aren't what you as a virtuous woman deserves!
So- ladies and gents, I don't know if any of this makes sense, its late and I should be sleeping...but I had to share! A virtuous woman percieves that her merchandise is good...how much do you think you are worth? I know that I am a daughter of God, he loves me, he has given me boundless opportunities and endless potential. I know that I am amazing, I know that I am smart, I know that I have love in my life (and don't worry Ambs I am going to use it [wink!] ) I am going to wake up every morning from now on and tell myself that I am beautiful and I am going to keep doing it until I completely believe it, until all of those insecurities that have been engrained in me slip away. I have so much potential- I am so sad that I forgot to see it for even a minute. I guess we're not all perfect, but darn it, I sure do try to be! I know that I have a lot of work to do, I know that I'll probably slip every now and again and let myself feel like I'm not worth much because I'm not exactly the world's standard of beautiful- but who cares about the world?! I am beautiful enough for me and for the Lord and that should be all that matters!
To all my sistahs out there- hang in there- you are just as beautiful and marvelous and fantastic as me...and if you don't believe it then keep telling yourself that you are until you believe it! Its funny, as a teacher, I use the whole "fake it till you make it" technique all the time... even if I don't feel completely competent as long as I don't let anyone know that I'm not no one catches on, and I am free to learn from the mistakes that I make... in this case I am kind of going to be using that same technique...not that I have to fake being beautiful, but I think for a little while I'm going to have to try to push back those negative thoughts and convince myself that I am worth more than I give myself credit for sometimes.
I love epiphanies...I just wish they wouldn't happen so late at night and that they would make sense the next day (believe me, I really hope this makes sense, and if it doesn't I apologize...I'll clarify it better when I'm not sleepy!)
Hugs and kisses until next time all! And remember- you are beautiful, handsome, amazing, wonderful, fantastic, glorious and extremely talented- take time to make sure that you believe it because I know that I sure do!