Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Absurdity of Kid Gloves

Last week, we went to Audiology to confirm that Faith has no problems with her hearing so we could move forward in her Autism diagnosis.

The Audiology team we met with at Utah State University was VERY kind and they were great with Faith...they were concerned they would be able to get Faith to do the testing they needed since she doesn't respond when you point at something and try to get her to look...however, after about 15 minutes of the sound field test, she figured it out.

Did it take longer for them to get results than it normally does. Yes. They admitted that...but we got results.

Faith is hearing normally in all fields. They did do a more specific OAE test (its a monitor that they put into their ears via a setup that is reminiscent of earbud headphones. It sends a signal up the cochlear nerve and tests how long it takes to come back, if it comes back at all.) Faith did fail in the upper registers, but she also had a lot of wax in her ears and passed on those registers during the sound field test.

She hears...we knew she could...but its nice to have it confirmed.

I did feel a little awkward as they were delivering the results. They kept looking at me, as if they were waiting for me to cry. They were handling me with kid gloves...

I get that its touchy. You're giving what should be good news- your child can hear. YAY!...but it really is kind of bad news because it means that your child is likely Autistic or suffering from a rare neurological disorder.

I tried to smile politely and show them that I was trying to be positive about these results.

Would I have loved for the therapy team we've been working with to have been wrong and to have found out that a hearing aid or a cochlear implant would solve our problems with some extra speech therapy?


But I also knew that the likelihood of this would be very, very small given the progress we've made and the fact that I have seen her respond to sounds and knew she could hear them.

I was prepared to hear them tell me she could hear.

Her ears work! What a huge blessing... Now, we move forward to get the rest of our diagnosis, some more answers, and some more help.

Regardless of the results, Faith would have and has remained Faith.  Our Little Diva.

Do I have my moments of grief and despair? Of course, I do.  But I would rather move forward with positivity.  Her ears work. That is one question answered. Now, because we have that question answered we can continue to move forward to get the resources we need to help her grow, develop, and work to become the best version of herself that she can be...which is going to be pretty darn amazing...since she is pretty darn amazing as it is.

We followed up with her pediatrician today...again, he waited for the tears...I was treated with kid gloves.  I guess I should get used to it.

But I refuse to let this process or a diagnosis define our family, define me, or drag me down into a gulf of despair that I can't pull myself out of.

I have full faith that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle without his help.  Will he test my limits? Jeff's? Faith's? Phillie's? The new baby on the way's? YES.  Life is a test. You aren't going to get out of it without a little discomfort...but the moments that change us, that define us, that make us better, are the moments that we turn to him in prayer and ask for understanding, for knowledge, and for the power to make it better...and He will always help us and deliver because he didn't mean for us to go through this life alone. He sent us a Savior, or brother and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, the make the ultimate sacrifice, to suffer ALL things, so we could not only have an example to look to when times get rough, but also so we can turn to him as an advocate as we pray in His name for help.

We will be alright because we are on the Lord's side. We will be alright because we have faith that he will help us bear this burden.

His yoke is easy and his burden is light.

How comforting? Don't you agree?

Could I choose to take an attitude of loneliness, that I am doing this alone, that I have no help, that no one understands? Yes, I can. But I choose not to. I choose the yoke of Jesus. I choose to believe that I have a brother and father in heaven that are looking out for me and my babies and that they will get us through this, one step at a time.

The pediatrician is going to talk to the local developmental psychologist. The local guy is affiliated with my pediatrician's office, but does most of his work up at a clinic at the university that he runs training future developmental psychologists...the problem? That clinic, because it isn't completely run by licensed doctors, is not covered by insurance. They do have a sliding fee scale, and I'm not sure where we fall on that, but in talking to a friend that didn't qualify for any of the monetary assistance up there, I know that, without help from the sliding fee scale, or insurance, we are looking at $2500 to do the testing up there. Unfortunately, we cannot afford that kind of money. I made this clear to my pediatrician. They are going to ask the local guy if he would be willing to do all or part of the testing at the office instead of the clinic so that insurance could cover most of it. We will see how he responds. If he says he will only do the work at the clinic, we will gt a referral to Primary Children's Hospital and see a specialist there.

One way or another, we will see someone, we will get answers, and we will move forward.

In other news:

Had my 16 week appointment (at 17 weeks) We don't get to find out the gender of the gummy bear until the day before Valentine's Day...sheer TORTURE for me... since we're in the midst of closing on the house, and I have NO little baby stuff ( I sold it all before the move to Wyoming since we wouldn't have a place to store it and I didn't know when we would need it again) I am a little concerned about being able to afford everything we will need for the new baby. Daily, I make mental lists and note how much the items will cost... Car seats have REALLY gone up in price since we bought our first one in 2011...HOLY COW! I've had some people suggest buying a used one, but I refuse to buy a used car seat. The American Academy of Pediatrics warns how unsafe it is. The plastic bends and deteriorates over time. You don't know what kind of drivers the previous owners have been, and they can tell you that it was never in an accident, when in reality it was in a "little" rear end collision that they didn't think was notable (as an example.)  I choose safety... even if safety is going to cost us $150 or more *gulp*

I do plan on utilizing yard sales and consignment stores to buy clothing items, so I know in that way, I will save.

We also either need to buy another toddler bed to move Phillie into or another crib so the new baby will have a place to sleep...we will cross that bridge when the time comes. Fortunately, we still have our pack and play with the bassinet and newborn napper attachment that we scored at a yard sale before we had Phillie and the baby can sleep in that for a while, but I always prefer to move them into a crib (since its sturdier) once they're no longer in the room with me (Jeff usually moves them into their own room around 2-3 months because he's spent 2-3 months with a wife who hasn't slept a wink since every little noise wakes her up...LOL...he says he does it for my sanity, but I think he does it for his best interests as well...)

We will also need a new baby monitor. I am currently trying to decide if its worth the extra money to get the video monitor...I definitely know I want a digital one this time since there is less chance of interference and static...and I know that will set us back $50-90 depending on the brand we buy (unless I can find a used one...)

All in all...things are going well with the pregnancy. The diabetes still sucks. I still hate giving myself shots at night, and I REALLY hate that I feel like I have to make 2-3 separate meals most of the time because I can't have what everyone wants.  I will admit that we're probably eating out more than we should, but that has more to do with the fact that I'm exhausted at the end of the day and REALLY not in the mood to cook 2 different meals or 1 meal with a separate option for sides for myself... but I'm getting better at it, and being back in the meal planning game has helped a lot.

I'm smaller this pregnancy than I've been with either of my other pregnancies by this near halfway mark... its fun sometimes because I think of how much less weight I will have to lose after I have the baby...but other times it stinks bigtime because I feel like I don't look pregnant, I just look fat...but I push those thoughts away as soon as I have them. This mamma ain't got no time for negativity.

I got into a fight with our ottoman on Saturday night about 2 minutes after Jeff got home. We thought my toe or my foot was broken, but I waited to go in until Sunday morning when things still weren't better. The doc at the instacare was shocked to see on the x-rays that it wasn't broken. He said its probably just a REALLY bad sprain. They gave me a boot to wear when I have to go outside the house for long periods of time or when I have to be up and about for a long period, to stabilize my foot so I can walk... long story short- Ottoman 1...Brittany 0...I get to spend the next 2-3 weeks limping around in my boot until things feel better. YAY... Oh well, at least its not broken, right? Less time in the boot and I will (hopefully) be back on my feet sooner than I would have if it had been broken.

Jeff is still loving his job. He travels frequently (which is hard for me, but we get paid very well for him to do it, which makes it easier to meet our goals to pay off debt faster or to have some money to spare for savings.) He has a bitter, nasty cold right now. The poor guy really wanted to stay home today...and he does have PTO time saved up, so he could have, but he is being so awesome and being a trooper so that we can have the PTO time for after the baby gets here, or in case we need to take it to take Faith to Salt Lake for testing.

We are currently trying to plan our Valentine's Day. We are debating getting a hotel and going out of town, but I have NO CLUE who we will leave the kids with when we do it...I'm thinking we may need to plan it for after Valentine's Day so we don't intrude upon one of our sibling's festivities so we can get away. If we make it out- Expect a post! LOL  Jeff and I never had a honeymoon, we thought it would be best to save the money, so we are looking forward to the idea of a weekend away with just the two of us.

Phillie is ADORABLE...as usual...no surprise there. The Divine Cupcake has perfect chubby, cherub cheeks that I can't help but want to kiss as much as possible.  She is talking up a storm.  Not sure if I already told this story here or not, but the other day, I was sitting on the couch, exhausted and tired. My eyes were closed...the little stinker pulled herself up on the couch, plopped herself into my lap and grabbed my cheeks. I looked up into her hazel/blue eyes and she said, "How you doin'?"  I said, "I'm doing fine, my love, how are you?" She sighed and looked up like she was mimicking her tired mamma and said, "I good"...and then proceeded to give me tons of kisses and loves.

Yesterday, we were getting in the car to go home after going to the store to pick up a few things. I buckled her in and she smiled at me and grabbed my cheeks and said, "I yove you (I love you)" and gave me a big kiss. I smiled and said I love you back and kissed her back...but she kept holding onto my cheeks...and she said it again, "Yove you" and gave me a kiss...I said it back and squeezed her...but she still didn't let go...she did this 4 times...I guess she REALLY wanted to get the point across that she loved me...and I was SO tired...I definitely needed to hear it. I love how she always seems to say what I need to hear.  She talks so randomly, and never when you ask her to say anything...but when she does talk, she definitely makes it worth hearing.

She was NOT happy at the doctor's office today. She wanted to go out in the waiting room and play with the other kids...sorry poppet, not an option without someone to watch you. She screamed for the first 10 minutes we were in the room. Bless our pediatrician's nurse. She was so patient and kind about it all.  I finally calmed her down with a fruit roll up that I'd left in the diaper bag after church on Sunday.  Needless to say, 1 flu shot later (she got her flu shot booster today while sissy was getting her vaccinations updated), she was out like a light in the car as we went to go get daddy for lunch....and now she won't go down for her nap...I hear her screaming "Yay" and "Wee!" from her bedroom as I'm typing this and wonder if I should go in to check on them and stop whatever it is they're doing...however, I also know that i put all the toys in the closet, so chances are, Faith has once again turned Phillie's bed into a trampoline with guard rails to hold onto and Phillie is enjoying being bounced up and down over and over again as Faith jumps, completely unaware that she is actually playing with her sister.

Faith had 2 shots and was a trooper as well. They EARNED those french fries we got with lunch...LOL
(Hi, my name is Brittany and I feed my kids cholesterol filled, fattening foods...and I really don't care what people think about it. ha ha. If it makes those of you that are completely disgusted feel any better, I will be sure to give them some fruit with dinner...it all evens out, right?)

Lunch was short today...too short. But it was nice to see Jeff and enjoy some time with my hunky man. He really is the sexiest man alive...I should notify People magazine that they were WAY off last year when they picked whoever they picked (I think it was Adam Lavigne from Maroon 5... I don't really pay too much attention, since I know they're always going to be wrong.) My favorite look of his is the smile he gets on his face when he is completely amused by something the kids are doing...that smile would sell dirt on the bottom of some designer shoes... seriously, model potential.

Anywhoo, darlings. Onward and upward. Life continues to move forward. No sense in stopping to wallow in the hard stuff because it just makes it take longer to get through.

Stay positive, stay prayerful, and know that I love you, wherever you are, whoever you are, for actually caring about my random life stories (and maybe you just love my meal plans and deal with the random stories in between...but thanks for that too.) Thank you for your prayers and warm thoughts. They have been felt.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

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