I guess nightmare isn't the right word to describe it, because I have seen the tender mercies of the Lord.. its hasn't been all bad.
The same week that Jeff got laid off I got 5 new voice students and I have managed to book photo shoots. We have been able to use that money to pay for small essentials and some "fun"... I know the Lord is there, its just tough when the "big" needs in the overall scheme of things haven't been taken care of yet.
I have enjoyed the extra time with Jeff and so have the girls. We've been able to go on picnics and snuggle up and watch movies together...
I guess its more of a nerve wracking situation than a nightmare because we are literally down to the last bit of money in the bank account, unemployment payments haven't been approved yet and we need to find some way to pay our bills next month and do other important things like...eat...
We went to the temple tonight, and while I was assured that help would come, I am getting more and more stressed by the day waiting and wondering.
I try to focus on the girls and keeping them happy and healthy...which brings me to my next worry...
The Little Diva is not talking...she babbles but says no words. No "mamma", no "dadda"...nothing. Which makes for some very frustrating points in the day.
Some people had told me that I was just being silly and that things would work themselves out, but I just couldn't shake my "mommy senses" as they tingled.
Finally, other friends who have dealt with similar issues suggested that I get in touch with the Infant/Toddler program for our state. I went to their website and filled out the assessment paperwork and waited...
Finally, last week, I got a call back.
They said that there is definitely cause for concern and have started the ball rolling...
The lady I talked to today was surprised that my pediatrician back in Las Vegas didn't get the ball rolling after her 1 year well check when she wasn't saying simple words like "mamma" and "dadda"...I still love Dr. Carrie, and I honestly believe that she was hoping that it was a developmental delay due to the Little Diva's prematurity, but at this point it can't be denied...
No words, she doesn't respond when we call her name, only super loud noises get her attention and even then she seems to have selective hearing, and she totally ignores other kids when they try to play with her.
She is still sweet as can be, its just frustrating that when she is doing something she shouldn't be doing (like this afternoon when she was climbing up on her wooden block bead maze toy thing and trying to sit on top of it) and I can't just call out "no" or her name to get her to stop...I have to physically stop what I'm doing and remove her from whatever temptation has beguiled her...which isn't easy when what I am physically doing is changing her little sister's diaper or making a bottle...
When it comes right down to it, I am so grateful that the Infant/Toddler program exists and I have good friends who directed me towards them...but now it opens a whole new list of troubles...
Like wondering when Medicaid will come through for the girls...one of the things they want is a physician to sign off on the treatment and interventions they are doing and we don't have insurance...HOORAY...more money to spend that we don't have...
I asked the gal who called me today if the doctor's office would let me wait to pay if Medicaid would back pay the claim. She said that it would likely be a situation where we would have to pay out of pocket to see the doc and then wait for a reimbursement check...let me direct your attention to one of the first few lines when I said that we are quickly running out of funds...
At this point, after going to the temple, I pretty much know that all I can do is pray... pray for comfort, pray that the doctor's office will let us wait to pay for the appointment, pray that Jeff gets a job, pray that the doctors and therapists will be able to pinpoint what is going on with Faith so we can learn how to communicate with her better...
I'm sorry that I am such a Debbie Downer right now... I really am working to try to snap myself out of it.
I'm at the end of my rope, friends. I'm just going to tie a knot in the end and hang on...
I am going to breathe and remind myself that the light will come, my burdens will be lifted, and we will be blessed for our time in the trenches of trial...
I just wish that the relief would get here sooner rather than later...
But if wishes were kisses, we'd all be getting action, am I right?
So...let's count my blessings, shall we?
1) We're all alive and kicking...SCORE ONE FOR US!
2) I get the luxury of snuggling with my husband any time all day long...better take advantage of that one often, because with any luck, that won't be a readily available luxury anymore.
3) I have two of the most beautiful babies on the planet.
4) I am in contact with the people I need to be in contact with to figure out how to help Faith and me communicate better/at all.
5) I have voice students and photo shoots bringing in a small amount of income to help cover incidentals
6) We are doing everything we can to change our situation. Jeff is on his computer most of the day looking for jobs and applying for them...it will have to bring us something good eventually, right?
7) We have a roof over our heads (even though I am SO ready to be done living with Jeff's parents...they have been great- I just REALLY need my own space...soon)
8) We have good friends who have been sending job tips, support, and prayers our way (Thank you. We love you! If you find it in your heart, please, keep it coming).
9) I have Jeff to whine to and to hold me when I sob like a baby...I know I couldn't do this alone.
10) Jesus loves me (and in a tight spot, I think He is the best person to have in my corner..)
Well...so starts the journey to communicating with my beautiful Little Diva...and so continues the journey to find out where we're supposed to be.
If you have been praying for us, thank you. Please keep it up. Somedays the only thing that keeps me going is knowing we have people praying on our behalf...
I know that this will be a small tear in the grand scheme of things. I realize that there is a lesson we need to learn here and that the Lord is trying to get us on the path he wants us on...believe me, we are ready and willing...we just need him to open the darn door!
I WILL COUNT MY BLESSINGS AND I AM GOING TO SUFFER WITH A SMILE EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!
Hugs and loves until next time, darlings! (P.S. I promise, I won't let me next post be so Debbie Downerish...I just needed to write and get this off my chest...)
1 comment:
So what happened with some of the job prospects that Jeff had, ie Pepperidge Farms??
At any rate, I know you've heard it a million times by now, but hang in there! The Lord does know what you're going through.
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