Friday, May 17, 2013

I Love You Forever

I open my car door and step out into the light rain. The cool, wet droplets feel like they are doing a little dance on my skin. I open the passenger door behind mine to the sight that most parents don't know if they should dread or welcome- Faith is out like a light...

One of two things will happen at this point:
1) As soon as my hands hit the buckles, she will open her eyes, scream in protest and then refuse to take a nap as soon as I get her in the house.
2) magic...(well to me)...

Today, I was lucky- it was that "magic" moment- the one where my busy, into everything toddler who hates to cuddle, wakes up for a moment and then quickly falls right back to sleep and I get to do the one thing I always long to do, cuddle her close, kiss her sweet plump cheek and rock her back and forth.

Right around 5 or 6 months old, the Little Diva stopped being "cuddly". She wouldn't have it. She was content to sit on my lap, but if I tried to snuggle her I was met with protesting whines and cries and a wriggling little body that I would about drop. After the wriggling, I had no choice but to put her down and let her lay on her belly looking at the world.

and that is the way its been ever since...except for these magical moments...

I won't lie, most of the time it feels like the Little Diva is in her own little world. I struggle often with communicating with her because she isn't speaking yet, and its hard because when she does need stuff I don't hear her calling out for "mamma", I hear cries of frustration and rage because she can't do whatever she is trying to do by herself. She does come to me, in rare moments during the day because she wants me to read her a book, or sit in my lap for a minute or two while we watch a video.  I miss feeling close to her like I did when she was a little baby.  Don't get me wrong, I have moments where I just can't get over how cute she is- but I long to be close to her and see what she sees in the way she is seeing it.

So moments like this rare occurrence getting her out of the car are moments where I am reminded just how much she needs me, how safe she feels with me...and that regardless of how distant she seems, I am always going to be her mommy. 

I often think of the book I Love You Forever ...the story of a mom who would pick up her little boy after he was asleep and rock him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth saying:

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Of course, my eyes get wet and misty and I almost can't hold the tears back...I read that book a million times before I became a mom  and never got misty eyed, and now I TOTALLY get it...

Its those rare moments, when you can be close to them like you were when they were the tiniest they ever were, that you can breathe and forget pulling them out of making a mess in the pantry for the umpteenth time or pulling all of the tissues out of the box, or throwing a huge fit because you won't give them the sucker that they got at the bank right away, and remember that you are their mommy. That they love you and that, no matter what, its your job to love them back.

I will NEVER regret being a mom. I will NEVER regret giving up a "brilliant future" as an opera star (according to some), I will NEVER regret staying home and using my time to take care of my children's every need instead of working at a 9 to 5 somewhere to make money to buy myself pretty things...


You can give yourself all the reasons in the world not to be a mother,I'm sure I have friends that could have rattled off long lists on my behalf of reasons I should have put off having a baby, but the bottom line is, there are so many more reasons WHY I decided to be a mom. 

There will never be enough money, there will always be something to stress you out, but I can guarantee to you, that even when life has been its toughest, through the little smiles and giggles of my sweet girls as they learn and discover the world I have been able to forget about the stresses and have they have made my toughest days a million times better.

I am so lucky and blessed to be a mom. I remember sitting in a doctor's office in high school, and being told that I would likely never have children, or if I did, it would be very hard to get pregnant. I never could shake it off...I remember being in tears when I told my husband of 3 months that I thought we should think about starting to try because of what this doctor had said and because I had a feeling we needed to...and the relief when he concurred and agreed that the spirit was directing him in the same way, and that I shouldn't worry because we would adopt all the children we wanted to if having them naturally wasn't an option... and the jubilation when I reached that 12 week mark of my first pregnancy and knew that, barring extraordinary circumstances, everything would be okay.

Motherhood, regardless of how you are blessed to be a mother, is  a special gift from God. 

When I look at my nieces and nephew, I think back to when they were little and when I was lucky enough to nanny for them and I realize that I was SO BLESSED to have sisters and a brother who let me be so involved in the lives of their little ones. For the longest time, I thought that this was the only way I would ever get to experience motherhood. Through my time with them, I learned so much and I know my kids will be told that they should be so grateful to their aunts and uncle for letting me have those experiences, because they made me a better mom when it was my turn to have the sacred title of "mother".  

EVERY WOMAN, REGARDLESS OF HER FERTILITY, HER MARRIAGE STATUS, AND HER CAREER, HAS THE CAPACITY TO BE A MOTHER.  I have had so many "moms" in my life...and their presence and example has made me so much better.

So, as I hold my Little Diva tight, give her a kiss, rock her and gently put her in her bed. I know I made the right decision to let her into my life. 

I survey the scene in the room next to mine. Two little angels, sleeping peacefully in their cribs.  Last week, we had to take the bumpers out of the Cupcake's crib because she wanted to be able to look out at her sister.  She has so much love for her older sister that I feel some assurance. We may be struggling with communicating with Faith right now, but I know that Phillie will always be looking for the bridge to go into Faith's world and bring her back. They need one another.  Its as I have mothered them together that I have truly come to understand why Heavenly Father would make them 10 months apart. They need one another, they always will...because, in loving one another, they will be prepared for greater love down the road. In nurturing one another, they will be prepared to nurture someone else.

I am a woman. I am a mother to little, when the wriggling commences and they refuse to sit still, I will make mental notes to enjoy the times when they will...the times when I can be reminded just how much I have to teach them, and how much I have to learn.

Hugs and Loves until Next Time Darlings!

1 comment:

Lisa said...

Beautiful. thank you. I was heaven sent to your blog today. I am having a TOUGH day with this 3 month old of mine. I sat down and opened my computer with the thought of "Well, if I can't put her down, at least I can get caught up on blogging" and something made me push your link on my blog's sidebar. What a beautiful post. I hope you find answers for Faith and I am so grateful for your words today. Love you tons!