Monday, April 1, 2013

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad ...Easter???

I know what you're thinking from the title...

How could anyone have a bad day on EASTER?

Well, I succeeded...Go me..

I woke up to Phillie screaming in the next room at 7 AM...Jeff was laying awake next to me and I tried to use my super powers to will him to go into the room and grab her and check on her.

Everything ached.

The last two weeks, we've been dealing with an AWESOME stomach bug (note the sarcasm) and I have been on the tail end of it. I had passed out on Monday night last week while making Phillie a bottle and ever since then, I just hadn't felt right.

Add to that the fact that I still had to take care of a sick husband, sick kids, get easter stuff...let's just say I was pooped, and then, to make things even more awesome, I had a wedding to shoot on Saturday...I was still feeling dizzy and gross, but I plastered on my happy face and spent 6 hours taking pictures, up on my feet...

We also discovered while I was sick that my birth control pills were actually making me sicker, so we have decided to go back to Natural Family Planning for my health and I have been on an emotional rollercoaster while the synthetic hormones make their way out of my system.

So, the Easter Sunday Brittany was already waking up pretty cranky.

I had agreed to play the piano for the primary while their usual accompanist was on vacation. At the time, it wasn't a big deal, but this morning it seemed like a HUGE deal.

The one bright spot I had- my beautiful, yellow Easter dress. I have been wanting a dress like this for a and flare, yellow eyelit lace...super cute...and Jeff finally let me buy it because it was on sale at Old Navy. It fit perfectly in the fitting room, and I took it and another jersey fabric dress home the day that we bought it. It had taken EVERY ounce of self control I had not to wear it immediately. I love dresses. I feel more comfortable and at home in a dress than I ever do in pants... and since I've been pregnant for the last two years, I had to give away all my favorites knowing I'd probably never fit into them again and I FINALLY had a new one that fit...

Well...I tried to start getting ready, but the girls just weren't having it. I knew I would have to hope and pray that I would have enough time to get myself ready when the girls went for their nap at 9:30 and then I would rush to get them ready in 15 minutes before we headed out the door.

At this point, I knew that we would be late if this ended up being the plan, but I also knew that Jeff still wasn't feeling well, so I thought it would be best to let him lay up in bed (even though that is where I wanted to be too...) so I could have lots of help when we had to rush.

Well, I got ready and realized I was late getting the girls up from their nap. I rushed in to beg Jeff for help. He apologized saying he didn't realize how late it was. He rushed and took a shower and bathed the girls, I got them dressed and then went to get myself dressed.

The zipper seemed a little rougher to deal with than it had at the store, but I got it zipped up...I then thought that maybe I'd like it better if I wore a white shirt under it instead of a cardigan over it (it is a sleeveless dress, and because of modesty issues and my temple garment, I have to wear it with something over or under it). Well, Jeff helped me unzip it and I tried, as carefully as possible to get the white shirt on without messing up my hair...well I succeeded in that, but ran a HUGE makeup smear on the collar...Jeff had already zipped me up when I noticed he unzipped me, he struggled with the zipper too, and I took off the shirt carefully and went to zip the dress back up..

I know I should have called for Jeff's help, but we were already running late and I KNEW church would be packed since there are a lot of empty nesters in our ward with kids and grandkids that would probably be coming home for Easter and I DID NOT want to sit in overflow because Faith would be impossible to control without a pew.

Well, I get the zipper halfway up and it gets stuck...I tug on it and RIP...the zipper breaks...I carefully try to pull the zipper down to see if I can salvage it and then one whole side comes out...I break down...I just can't...I am achy, tired, dizzy and the ONE bright thing I had was knowing I was going to look super cute in my coordinating Easter clothes with my kids...I reached for my OTHER jersey dress...I'd worn it the week before and the day before to my photo shoot. It was covered in stains and splotches from dealing with kids, but it was my only option because I have no other springy dresses. The tears start flowing, I can't stop them and I stomp down the stairs to try to throw the diaper bag together.

Jeff notices my tears, I tell him what happened and the dreaded words escape my lips, "I'm just sick of being too fat to fit in anything cute."....Now, I know this is a fallacy. I am only 15 pounds from my goal weight and I am fitting into sizes that I wore through most of my graduate studies. I know I don't look horrible, but a popped zipper coupled with feeling icky and the loss of my beloved yellow dress before I even had a chance to look cute in it was just too much ( I know, it seems so shallow, but it was more than I could take.) My hormonal rollercoaster was RAGING...

I hurried and grabbed shoes, Jeff grabbed the girls and the diaper bag and we made our way out the door...we got to church and my fears were confirmed. Even the usual overflow was full and we ended up sitting in the gym. When we got there they hadn't even opened up the curtains that separated the gym from the overflow yet because they were still setting up chairs...

As I feared...Faith was impossible to control. She stomped around the gym and made noise because it echoed (its a gym...) We finally grabbed the diaper bag after sacrament had been passed and made our way out to the foyer to sit.

Well, Faith was a ball of energy and I just couldn't keep up. Thank heavens for Jeff, who chased her away from stairs and out of open classrooms...

I made it through primary...and all the while I was festering over the stupid dress...I wish I could explain why. Its so dumb...and I felt so guilty for being so upset over it...which only compounded things because now I was feeling mad about the dress AND mad at myself for being mad about the dress...

We got home and Jeff went upstairs with the girls and I sat in the kitchen and ugly cried for about 20 minutes...I then started stressing over my anger, so I started cleaning...(when I'm super stressed, I clean).  Jeff came down and decided to make some late lunch...with the potatoes I had been planning on using for dinner. I let that one slide, there wouldn't have been enough I changed plans and put some chicken on to marinade in homemade teriyaki sauce. Jeff was getting frustrated with me and I kept crying and apologizing...

In an attempt to lift my spirits we went for a ride. I worked for the most part...I still felt grumpy but I wasn't fixated on the stupid dress anymore. We looked at a house and debated over if it would be worth the investment when we could see through the window that there was probably $20k worth of renovations that needed to happen to make it livable...and then we went to the park.

For a moment, I forgot my grumpiness. We laughed as Faith oohed and ahhed over the kite we'd gotten her as a present as Jeff flew it...and for a few moments I got to sit alone with Phillie while Jeff tried to help Faith fly the kite...I snuggled with her and played with her, making her laugh and smile and blew bubbles for her out of the bubble kit the Easter Bunny had brought her.

However, when we made our way home, and my physical and emotional exhaustion just overwhelmed me, I looked at the clock and I was bummed once again. It was almost 6 PM...if I tried to make dinner now, we wouldn't be eating until almost 8...and Faith and Phillie go to bed at 6:30/7... I started to get angry as I opened a can of raviolis to feed Faith...SO NOT the Easter dinner I was planning...

I fumed over how frustrated I was that we were once again eating processed junk on a day that processed junk should not even be an option...Jeff  tried to be supportive and understanding, but I knew he'd had it. Finally, the girls were in bed and I was fighting with the dishwasher to wash dishes and swore at it...and he told me to go upstairs...I saw his clenched jaw and felt SO GUILTY that I had not only ruined my day with my bad attitude, but his also.

I cried and apologized and he sat looking at me with a clenched jaw.  He simply said, "You need to calm down." I cried more and apologized more, hoping for a glimmer of body language that showed that he forgave me, but he sat there stern and frustrated. I sheepishly went upstairs...

He brought me up some dinner and we talked. I felt so bad that he'd had to put up with me all day.

We snuggled up and I tried to let the day roll off of me. I got out the Easter pictures we'd taken before we went to the park and tried to focus on the good things that had happened.

All in all, I know it was a bad day because I let my attitude make it so. It could have been an awesome, quirky Easter. I could have laughed off the zipper breaking on the dress and could have let myself see that it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things...I could have laughed about our awesomely healthy Easter dinner of ravioli and Hamburger Helper...but I didn't...I let myself get so caught up in what I had WANTED the day to be, that I let myself lose sight of what the day is.

As I snuggled with Jeff, I thought of 2 things. First, the lesson from Primary...we had talked about being in Peter's shoes as he denied the Christ 3 times during the events that led up to Christ's death and resurrection, the littlest children were shocked and even GASPED when they learned this fact. They all said they wouldn't want to be in Peter's shoes as he denied Christ, that they would never do such a thing... Sadly, I was TOTALLY a denying Peter yesterday.  I let my pursuit of this picturesque Easter that I had planned out in my head come before the real purpose of it- remembering Christ, His sacrifice, and what it means in my life. My attitude made me forget the most important day of the year, as far as I'm concerned, the day that we recognize Christ's struggles for US, the day that we celebrate His love for us, His redeeming grace, that He lives again, and that He will return to us again someday to rule and reign.

Because of Christ's suffering and Atonement, I can be forgiven for my horrible attitude yesterday. Yes, he even suffered for that...and that makes me feel even worse.

But, that brings me to my next thought I had...a quote from our beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson, "Courage can simply be a small voice that says, 'I will try again tomorrow'."

So, I choose to be courageous and repent. I vow to never again let a terrible, horrible, no good very bad Easter happen. I choose to spend today thinking of the wonderful gifts that the Savior gave me with his sacrifice. I choose to focus on the good, funny, and cute things that happened yesterday- things that I didn't see in the moment because I was so caught up in the fact that nothing was going my way...and more importantly, I choose to focus on my wonderful husband and family and their ability to forgive a cranky mom for her outbursts and temper tantrums when she isn't her best self.

Christ lives, He loves us- He loves me! He loves YOU..and nothing you can do will change that. I may not have been perfect yesterday, but Christ doesn't say be perfect and then come to me. He says Come to me and be perfected. So, I continue my journey to him. I trip and tumble some places along my path, but he is always there to catch me and remind me of what really matters... I am a child of God. Jesus is the best older brother EVER...a brother who loved me so much that he gave his life so that I could repent, and live with God again...what an amazing and brave gift. A gift that he gives freely to everyone, whether they want it or not...

Be patient with me everyone, I'm a work in progress. God is constantly constructing and deconstructing to make me the best me that I can be...the me that I was meant to be. Some days I am better at rolling with the punches than others... yesterday was NOT my best day, but I will be better in the future, and it is a knowledge that a better me exists that keeps me moving forward.

Hugs and Loves until next time.

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