That childhood nursery rhyme has been going through my head all day, especially after my night last night...and my week...
It's raining, its pouring
the old man is snoring
went to bed and bumped his head
and couldn't get up in the morning
Sometimes, life just seems to keep handing us lemons. We sit and wonder if God is the old man, if he bumped his head, can't get up the next morning and we are forced to fend for ourselves. Trials don't seem to come by themselves, they always come in groups...
Since we all know that my life is the most watched reality show on the other side of the veil, I have decided that God, the ever clever producer, tries to see how long he can let me go without something frustrating and sad to give a little ratings boost...
Well, I guess its sweeps time.
Last Saturday night, I once again had my heart crushed. I guess my happy relationship wasn't good for ratings. No one wants to watch me nonchalantly, happily go through life, they want to see the suffering and how I handle it I suppose.
Love is such a funny fleeting thing. I was having a discussion with my mom about it today after church. We were watching some quality programming on MTV...cuz that's how we roll...and my mom and I started to discuss what makes relationships work. I am a firm believer that you don't fall in love...you choose to love. You choose to open your heart to someone and trust them, and you choose to continue to do that every day, in spite of everything.
Unfortunately, just because I know this truth, it doesn't mean that everyone else does. I seem to continue to get my heart stomped on over and over again, every time I swear that I won't get back in the game, but somehow I'm always tricked back in. Men are weird, they know how to lull you into a false sense of security and then pull the rug out from underneath you when you least expect it. I don't know if I can ever really trust anyone now, and that is sad to say. I guess you just try to get smarter.
I went to Amber's house last night, and finally allowed myself to cry and scream, I'd been avoiding it. Amber said that I need to demand respect. I thought I had been, but when I think back, I really don't. I just go with the flow la-di-dah, and trust that people are going to do the right thing. Unfortunately, not everyone is brave enough to do the right thing and, in this case, I have ended up bruised, and broken all over again.
I have a lot to keep me busy. I started school again on Monday. I thought I could flip flop what I had been doing. As a grad student I was in class part time and working full time as a staff member at UM teaching. Well, I've decided that perhaps it isn't just as easy being a full time student and holding a part time job. I ended up quitting my job on Friday, the joy is that when I was quitting, they informed me that they were going to lay me off anyway, and that they would just cover the shifts I had been scheduled for and that I didn't need to come back...
like I said, when it rains it pours.
So, when its raining and pouring, what do we do?
Well, when I'm good and ready, I cry about it...and I generally find, that in the middle of the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth, you find the release you need and the strength to go on and keep moving forward.
Today, I felt better. I'm still sad, songs still remind me of Sam and I can't bring myself to listen to them...and its sad too because they are some of my favorite songs, but they have special meaning and bring back memories...I'm not ready to remember good times yet, I still need to get to the point where I'm ready to call him a jerk and be done with it... Unfortunately, as love is a choice, I haven't been able to bring myself to make the decision to stop loving...that will take some time, that is the real moment of heartbreak and release all rolled into one. The moment where you decide you can live without them, the moment when you realize that they didn't add anything, the moment where you see that you are better off alone than with someone who didn't want to make the decision to care about you as much as you cared about them...
I'm still learning. A week out, the sting is still there, just not as numbing.
So now, I have to find another job...how exciting? (or terrifying, depending on how you look at it....I am trying to view it as exciting...) I also have to figure out how to juggle 18 credits again. I'm actually considering dropping my choral music literature class. I really want to take it, I think it could be quite beneficial to me in my new endeavor to become a music teacher in the public school system, but along with the 18 credits of classes I also have 18 hours of observations for my various education classes to fit in between choir and opera rehearsals, and unfortunately something has got to give.
I am learning how to play percussion...my assignment for the weekend was to work on my drumstick grip. Oddly enough, my left hand has adapted more quickly and is easier to work with, apparently, if you're right handed the right hand is supposed to be easier to work with...go figure....
I also have to become proficient on the recorder for my Elementary Music Methods class. I am actually kind of a nerd and am super excited about it. I , like a dork, envision nights with my nieces and nephews where I play on the recorder some silly song and they can dance and sing along...like I said, I'm a total dork.
Another bright spot is the choral repertoire for the semester. We are singing the Brahms Requiem. Anyone who knows choral literature knows what a pivotal work this is. Brahms wrote it shortly after the death of his mother, he was very close to her. Not only is the work in the vernacular of the people (ie in German instead of Latin), Brahms took it one step further. He completely changed the texts. He couldn't bear the thought that the traditional Requiem text in Latin brought to mind...anyone who knows the Requiem text knows that it isn't exactly a positive way to look at death. The traditional Requiem focuses on the fact that we need to be saved from ourselves, and also gives the impression that not everyone will achieve salvation. Like I said, Brahms wrote this after his mother died. He loved her dearly, she was, in his eyes, one of the best women ever to grace the planet and the idea of damnation and hellfire for her was almost more than he could bear. He instead decided to focus the text on the beauty of heaven and the love of God. If you have a chance to listen to even part of it, I highly recommend it. Brahms was a genius. The Brahms Requiem is a work that I have done bits and pieces of, and it is also the first piece of choral literature where I had a sacred spiritual experience in a secular setting. Think of someone that you love that has left us. Where would you picture them, what would heaven look like for them? That is what the Requiem does, it paints a picture of heaven in your mind. It is awe inspiring and very cathartic. Its easy to feel lighter after being inspired and feeling the true love of God through music.
..well, that's all for this week kiddies...
I have to go frost my cinnamon rolls. That's right, cinnamon rolls, for my ward pie night party tonight. I am proud to say that for the first time ever, I have made a successful batch of cinnamon rolls. Things are looking up.
Always look on the bright side! Live and learn, but never be afraid to love, it may hurt at times, but you learn more from pain than pleasure.
Hugs and loves until next time!