Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Art of Being Alone...

Jeff had to leave on Tuesday afternoon for Rock Springs, WY to start his new job for the oil company Schlumberger...

We're on day 2 of my life as a not single, single mom.

Yesterday wasn't too bad because I was INCREDIBLY busy. I sold one of our cribs (much faster than I thought I would) so that we wouldn't have to take it with us when we are all able to be together again.( Side Note: Faith has been ready for a big girl bed for a while, and we do have one for her, we just couldn't put it up because the girls have been sleeping in my mother in law's sewing room and we didn't feel it would be safe or smart to let her have the new found freedom of being able to get up and down from bed all by herself in a room filled with pins, sewing needles and other goodies that could hurt her quite a bit... ) and I also sold all of my NB to 3-6 month baby clothes. (We definitely want another baby, I am ready now...but since I'm not pregnant and we have no clue when or if we will be blessed again, I didn't want to cart all of the baby clothes only to have to find a place to store them for who knows how long.) and I taught voice lessons. Later on in the day, I went through clothes, did laundry...

When I was busy I was fine...but its when I have a few minutes to sit down it was hard not to wish that Jeff was going to come walking through the front door at 5 PM to give me a big hug and kiss and ask me what was for dinner...

Its sad that its taken only 2 and 1/2 days for me to realize that there is a real art to being alone.

I had it mastered, once upon a time...its hard to believe that it was only almost 3 years ago that I was a master in "aloneness"...(if that's even a word) It seems like light years away. I have taken a lot of time in the last few days to wonder how I did it... I know I am dealing with two totally different situations. A single young woman who is trying to chase a dream is much, much different than a mother of two babies under the age of two.

I have come to the conclusion that I just didn't take time to stop... I was teaching at the university, I was singing with opera companies, I was taking voice lessons, I was heavily involved in school opera productions, I had a private voice studio and I was taking time to cook culinary masterpieces...I just kept going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny...

The BIG problem with trying to utilize this fantastic art in a new way?  Well...I like to call those problems the Little Diva and the Divine Cupcake...and, let's be honest, they aren't really problems...they are the two sweetest, most adorable baby girls on the planet.

I can't "Energizer Bunny" my way through life because if I keep going and going, I won't take time to stop and enjoy those little moments that I can't get back...moments when my girls are being so incredibly sweet and adorable that I just can't stand it.

For example, I was incredibly disappointed that yesterday in all my "Energizer Bunny-ing", trying to get everything done, I almost missed a huge milestone for the Cupcake...she has now started saying "thank you" when you hand her something she likes.

When she started doing it yesterday morning, I kind of thought it was a fluke. I saved her sippy from Faith (who decided that she ABSOLUTELY had to have both of them) and handed it back to her and she chirped "tankoo"...I was kind of taken aback..was it real? Was it random babbling that coincidentally sounded like she was thanking me?  I decided to sit back and watch. If she was really saying thank you, she would do it again...

Sure enough, she said it 4 more times...Of course, I was kicking myself because I wasn't able to sit and gush and fawn over her and how proud I was of her for learning a new trick...I had to teach voice lessons, I had to take a crib apart, I had to do laundry...

Ultimately, I am learning that I need to relearn how to be alone when I'm not alone...if that even makes sense. I need to be able to keep busy without sacrificing those sweet moments with my girls...I need to figure out how to take care of everything so we can move and still have time for them...

I guess I didn't have it mastered after all.

In the end, I am comforted by the knowledge that Heavenly Father is going to make up for my lack of mastery of the art of being alone. He will provide a way for me to accomplish everything I need to before Jeff finds the right place and decides that its time for us to join him in Rock Springs. He will also provide those moments to ground me and pull me back so that I don't miss too much of the sweet things my girls do while I am learning how to handle this new situation...

We are opening a new chapter and we are adjusting to it. Life is a constant adjustment. We are constantly learning, changing and growing- that's what we're supposed to do.

I figure, as long as my girls stay healthy and happy and my marriage is strong, we are successfully navigating the bumps and obstacles that life throws at us.

I won't lie. I have been SPOILED to have such a lovely, wonderful man in my life. Jeff has made it possible for me to be able to be home with my girls. He is such a good daddy. We ALL miss him right now.

Poor Phillie has been asking for Jeff constantly since yesterday afternoon. She crawls around and calls out "daddy"...and all day today when she has been crying and distressed she hasn't been calling for me, she has been calling for him. Since Faith isn't communicating verbally right now, I'm not really sure how she is dealing with missing her daddy. She seems her happy self, but she definitely has been more of a little monster when it comes time to go to bed and she has been trying to do things that normally daddy would nip in the bud right away.

and I find myself getting a little weepy whenever I have time to sit down and think about how much I miss him.

The bright side: Jeff did find an apartment and we technically should have the money to move in right away...however, we are weighing our options because Jeff wants to be sure that he likes the job and that it is worth moving all of us there for. The other problem is that Jeff isn't supposed to get a day off until the 19th of July. If we tried to move right away, I would have to do it all myself and make all the arrangements to get all of our stuff from point A to point B...

We need to figure out if its going to more stressful to be apart or more stressful to try to deal with one another being cranky so I can move right away (and we would likely be cranky because I would be stressed and Jeff would be cranky because he would be stressed, since I'm stressed and there is nothing he can do to change it.)

We're going to give it a week and then decide (at least that is the plan as of last night...this morning we were talking about me moving next week when his dad will be here and able to help... we will have to keep you posted on that one. LOL)

All in all, life has been interesting and boring and crazy...just like its supposed to be.

Now I get to begin the struggle of balancing my "Energizer Bunny" self with my "mommy and wife" self...should be an interesting experiment.

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings!


1 comment:

Sharee Wolfley said...

You'll be okay Brittany; it's hard, I know. Living in a foreign country with a husband who travels almost 50% of the time has been one of the hardest trials of my life. As you know, it's not easy, and at times it can test our every patience, but us not-so-single/single moms have an edge...we can do hard things AND it makes us unbelievably creative when it comes to things like dinner, discipline, and late night projects. :) Keep up the good work.