Have you ever had one of those days where you are grumpy and you just can't put your finger on why, you are overly emotional and you can't put your finger on it?
Well, for me, that has been today.
The morning was actually okay. Jeff and I woke up early, snuggled a bit, showered and started getting ready...
But then, it started.
I turned on the television and found a "Sunday Appropriate" show to watch as I got ready for church. Then, the volume on the television started to annoy me. It was just so darn loud! I checked the volume level, it was only at a 15, which on our television is barely a quarter as loud as it can go. Jeff complained he couldn't hear it, grabbed the remote and turned it up...
Then we headed out to the car to go to church.
The stairs that come from the top of the hill where the door to our apartment is were completely covered in a sheet of slick, thick ice. I complained to Jeff and told him we should call our manager to complain. I started ranting about the fact that the sidewalks haven't been cleaned yet, and the lament for the spring we almost had began to fill my heart. I am so sick of cold and snow, I want the sun, I want warmth, I want to be able to go lay on a blanket outside and take a nap, soaking it all in...and the hope of that was brutally torn from me on Thursday.
I got in the car and apologized to Jeff. "Why are you apologizing?" he asked.
"I'm super grumpy and its just really frustrating because I have no reason to be frustrated. I'm just sorry you have to see it."
It was then that the tears started wanting to well up. I willed them away. I was NOT going to cry on Sunday because I was grumpy. What a silly reason to cry.
We got to church, we sat in the pew. One of the Elders that was blessing the sacrament came and asked Jeff to pass the sacrament. The tears came again. I just wanted Jeff to sit with me and snuggle me. I was overcome with the love I have for my husband. I willed them away. I think Jeff sensed what I was feeling. He stayed and sat with me until the 2nd counselor of our Bishopric got up to begin the meeting. He even hesitated to go sit with the other Elders that had been asked to pass the sacrament.
The opening hymn began. I looked down at the hymn book...uh oh...cloudy vision....I had an inkling that I knew why I was grumpy and emotional this morning, and why the television seemed so loud...I tried to shrug it off...I still had primary to get through.
Jeff came back to sit with me in the pew after the sacrament was passed. He put his arms around me and held me tight. I snuggled up against him and breathed him in. I told him that I felt like crying and I didn't know why. Emotions were welling and I didn't know which one was causing the verge of waterworks. I just took some deep breaths and focused on trying to find things to take my mind off of the tears...and the cloudy vision.
Sacrament was over and it was time to head into Primary. I play the piano for them. I sat and opened the Children's Songbook. I have just gotten into the habit of playing whatever I open it to...the song was Daddy's Homecoming...I started to play it , and the emotions came back. Tears welled up, and I almost couldn't hold them back. Jeff came and sat with me. He put his arms around me.
"Do you want me to stay here with you?" Jeff asked.
I quietly continued to play, fighting back the tears as I played one song after another. Overcome with emotions for different reasons as I played. Jeff sat and rubbed my back. He whispered in my ear. "I love you." Of course, that brought the desire for tears again...
Finally, he quietly asked again, "Do you want me to stay with me?"
I feebly answered, "Yes. Please." So grateful for this wonderful man who was so concerned about me and wanted to stay with me to support me.
Jeff sat with me for a while, then all of a sudden, he was gone. I wasn't sure where he had gone. Right after Primary officially opened, and the prayer was said by one of those sweet, confident little children, Jeff sneaked back in the room and grabbed his coat. He whispered in my ear that because today was a Ward Audit he couldn't stay with me like he wanted to. (he's the finance clerk of our ward, meaning he handles all the tithing money that people pay and issues reimbursement checks to people who have purchased things for church activities out of their own pockets) He asked if I would be okay.
Again, I feebly answered yes. I'd already been on the verge of tears all morning, I didn't think that him being there would help keep me from crying.
I watched as the children in the Primary participated. This month, our Sunbeams have been giving scriptures and talks. It has been so fun to watch these little 3 year old balls of energy get up and excitedly repeat the words of scriptures and talks as their parents whisper them in their ears. Today's talk was especially poignant for me. The little girl smiled the whole time. She spoke very quietly, and all of the children immediately quieted down to hear what she had to say. She beamed with pride as she finished her talk about The Plan of Happiness and her mom rubbed her little back and told her what a good job she'd done. The tears again crept up as she reached up to give her mom a hug before she left to go to Sunday School. She quietly took her seat and then, the coup de grat, the thing that about sent me over the edge, her little friend that always sits next to her patted her shoulder, and put her arm around her and said, "You did so good!" They then shifted and sat, with arms linked, and tried to be reverent for the rest of the Primary meeting.
During the Sharing Time, they shared a BINGO sheet (we played BINGO with ideas for things that would make Jesus happy and bring us closer to him). I don't think they really understood the concept of BINGO, but they sat quietly with their crayons and took turns coloring the pictures on the BINGO sheet. They didn't even know to be excited when their teacher realized they had a Blackout, they just happily went on coloring with each other. I thought of how grateful I am for my true, and good friends...tears bubbled, but I held them in.
Finally, came the thing that pushed me over the edge. I hid behind the piano as I cried because it touched my heart.
The Sunbeam teachers are a young couple that have to bring their youngest daughter with them to class. She isn't quite old enough for the nursery yet. As the kids were excitedly shouting BINGO and getting really into the game, I noticed out of the corner of my eye this sweet little toddler pushing a chair over towards her daddy. He looked down at her and sweetly asked, "What are you doing?" She kept pushing the chair and turned it and bumped his leg. He moved his leg and she pushed the chair up close to him. She stepped up on the chair and looked at her daddy like a conquering hero. He smiled mischievously at her and pushed his forehead to hers. She then reached her arms out and threw them around his neck. She gave him a great big hug and a kiss. He looked so surprised. I was so touched by this genuine action of love by this little girl who is barely 15 months old at the most. She wanted to hug her daddy so badly that she pushed a chair that was bigger than her over to him to do it. The tears began to flow. I watched as she pushed the chair back to where it had been and then ran back to her daddy. He pulled her into his lap and continued to help the Sunbeams try to play BINGO.
Like I said earlier, I hid behind the piano. I ducked down and quickly dried the tears that had fallen. It was almost time for music time and I had to be able to play.
Music time began...at about that time, so did the lovely black spots that I started seeing. I knew now that I was in trouble. Cloudy vision, leading to black spots....A migraine was coming, and it was going to be a doozy.
In the end, I guess it explains my overemotional state, my grumpy attitude in the morning. I shook it off, and started praying that I would be able to make it through singing time before the pain started.
Jeff sneaked back into the room just as primary was ending. I was playing the postlude and the first twinges of a pounding head started to radiate over my skull. Jeff asked if I was okay. I tearily told him I was getting a migraine. He grabbed my giant church bag, and my hand and led me out of the church and to our car.
He tried to make me lunch, but alas the Cup O' Noodles just didn't want to soften. I laughed as he handed me a cup of still crunchy noodles. He got flustered and apologized. I just laughed and told him it was fine. Then, as I sat eating my noodles, the nausea started to overcome me. I asked Jeff if we could turn off all the lights and close the blinds. He agreed. He looked at the clock and realized he needed to head back to the church for the audit. He nervously grabbed his jacket, I asked him for some Tums, he grabbed them. Kissed me, asked if I was going to be alright and with my weak assurances I would be fine, he slowly tore himself away and walked out the door.
So...that leaves me where I am now...I took a pill for my migraine, the pain is gone, but I can still feel the pressure in my head, and I'm still nauseous. I found an old favorite movie of mine on the Television. Major Payne is on...every time I laugh or giggle I feel the pressure build to the point that its almost painful again...which makes me want to cry.
Isn't it so funny how life can deal us the bitter and the sweet at the same time? I have been so touched by so many little things today in my weakened, overly emotional state. I have found so many reasons to be grateful for the beautiful, crazy wonderful thing that is my life...and I have found many reasons to be excited and yearn for the future....all the while, waiting for something horrible that I knew was coming...but it made me so much more grateful for the little things I was able to enjoy...even if I was ready to cry the whole time.
Well, darlings, I think I am going to say something that you won't hear very often...I am grateful for migraines. Without this migraine today, who knows if I would have been as touched by the beautiful things I was able to see and experience.
After the trial cometh the blessing.
(Migraine-less) Hugs and loves until next time darlings!