Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Baby Blues


I'm feeling a lot more confident now, and have been able to move past the emotions I was feeling a few weeks ago...confident enough that I felt like I should share my thoughts and feelings with my friends and the world...

So, let me tell you a little story darlings.

In the middle of December, after about a month of marriage, Jeff and I made a tough decision. After lots of prayer and meditation, we decided that I should go off of the birth control pills that I was on. There were some very good reasons for this decision: 1) I could only be on one type of birth control pill that was only 75% effective to begin with because of my history of migraine headaches 2) They were super expensive and most importantly 3) they were making me super duper sick. I'd been on them since the beginning of October and I had noticed premenstrual symptoms that I had never experienced before taking over my body and making me sick and they made me extremely irritable. I am always very good at keeping my cool, but I found myself needing to count to 3 or 10 more often than I normally do. I guess there is a 4) we had prayed about it, and knowing that we both want a large family, and taking into account my age, we decided we needed to start sooner rather than later so that I didn't have to be pregnant every year for the next 8 years...

Fast forward to the middle of January. Out of the blue all I could stomach, all I wanted to eat was oranges. Oranges for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We couldn't keep them in the house. Jeff started to really notice my orange fetish after it had been going on for like a week. Being super smart,and being Jeff, he said, "I wonder if your pregnant?" I of course brushed it off. I am a firm believer that cravings tell us that our body is lacking something, so, as long as you don't overdo it, giving in to cravings or finding healthy alternatives to cravings isn't such a bad thing. I figured that maybe I was getting sick and my body was trying to ward it off with extra vitamin C. Vitamin C also gives you extra energy, so I wondered if my crazy schedule was partially to blame. Oranges are healthy, and I wasn't giving in all the time to the craving, so I figured I would be fine.

About a week before I was supposed to have my period, I started feeling severely nauseous all day long. I didn't want to eat anything at all, I seemed to get heartburn no matter what I ate, or I would have to lie down because I would feel like I was going to yak all over everyone and everything around me. I even stayed home from class being severely sick. Now, it wasn't only Jeff wondering if I was pregnant, I had friends that were urging me to take a test...I did. The Wednesday before my period was supposed to start. It was negative. I chalked the nausea off to the hormonal effects of coming of the pill and tried to move on...

but then, my period didn't come...

a day late, I think I went to the bathroom every hour to check if it had started...it hadn't

two days late, we went to Idaho Falls, I talked to my sister who is an OBGYN nurse...she said to wait until I was atleast a week late and then take a test.

three days late, four days late...

The days dragged on, and with every day friends were checking, "Have you taken a test yet?" I would have to say no and explain what my sister had told me. Jeff would ask, "Are you bleeding yet?" I would shake my head no...

The whole while, I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to believe anything until I saw a positive pregnancy test...

By the time I was getting to five and six days late, I started making peace with it. Although, when I would talk to friends, I would say that I wasn't going to believe anything or confirm or deny pregnancy until I had clear and indisputable evidence...

Day 7... I had gone to bed the night before making peace with the fact that I was pregnant...I hadn't voiced it out loud...but I had accepted it. I woke up early to use the bathroom...and there it was... the red streak that killed all the dreams I'd dreamed up the night before...all the dreams I had started thinking about as the days had progressed but put aside...I felt...defeated.

I went back to bed. I laid down and buried my head in my pillow for a while. Jeff moved and put his arm around me. I told him that I had started my period. He was silent and held me. While I had been telling him I wasn't ready to believe it, he knew that I had been building up hope, little by little as the week had progressed. He instinctively knew how heartbroken I was...

I have to backtrack a little further for you to understand why I was feeling heartbroken..

When I was 17, discovered two grapefruit sized cysts on both of my ovaries (that's 4 cysts the size of grapefruits) and a slight case of endometriosis. Doctors did surgery to remove the cysts and lasered off the endometriosis that they found. I was advised that getting pregnant may be challenging for me...of course, I was frustrated and heartbroken by that diagnosis. When I was little and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer shifted back and forth between a super star singer and a mom. I had always just figured it would be a part of the plan for me, and now I had to process this difficult information at a young age.

a few years later, I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and was told by other doctors that my previous diagnosis may be false, as the cysts and endometriosis could have actually been caused by my body's incapability of processing sugars.

I cried when I told Jeff this information as we were discussing the idea of coming off birth control in the beginning of January. Since that second diagnosis, I have always wanted to believe it was true, but had that fear in the back of my head that the first diagnosis would hold, and I would have a difficult time conceiving children... Jeff simply had me pull out my patriarchal blessing and he pulled out his. We read of the promises made to us about children and family. More importantly, Jeff noted that I was promised a posterity...which means I will have children in this life. I took comfort from these words, and the promises God has made to me. I resolved that I would put it in God's hands.

Getting back to the present story...Jeff knows me so well. He knew I was heartbroken, and he knew why...doubt had crept back into my head...wondering which diagnosis was the right diagnosis...will I be able to conceive? will I ever get to be a mom?

Jeff held me, I cried a little. He went to take a shower, I laid on the bed and sobbed uncontrollably. I hate crying in front of him sometimes. I don't like appearing weak, and I don't like making him worry about me. I just had to cry it out. Jeff got out of the shower and snuggled with me on the bed. He offered to stay home from class. I told him to do what he thought was best. He decided to go. I stayed home. I tried to get ready for my first class, but realized I was an emotional wreck. I would start crying every 5 minutes or so, and just when I thought I had regained my composure I would cry again...

I stayed home from my morning class. I knew I just couldn't make it. I knew I just needed time to feel sad. I needed time to grieve for all the things I thought I was about to receive.

It was almost time for me to leave to go to choir. Jeff texted me and said he wanted to talk. He asked if there was any way I could skip choir...there wasn't. I had opera rehearsal and showing up for one and not the other would just look unprofessional. I was worried. I wondered if Jeff was mad (you can't tell in a text) but he wouldn't tell me why he wanted to talk, just that we needed to. I offered to walk down to the building where his class was so we could talk,but he said he wasn't there...I asked him where he was...no response...

about 5 minutes later, my white knight burst through the door with a dozen red roses. He handed them to me and said, " Here, these are just because you are so awesome. These are for being you."

I was a sobbing mess again after that. I found out that my dear, sweet husband had left class early with the help of a friend and had gone to purchase me the beautiful flowers. He had wanted me to skip class all day so that I could just go and enjoy the day with him doing whatever it was I wanted to do. I wanted to skip class at that moment more than I had ever wanted to skip class before in my life... I sat an sniffled on his shoulder, while he held me. He asked me how I was feeling. I am so blessed to have married such a thoughtful, wonderful man. In that moment, I think my heart grew 3 sizes. I was no longer weeping tears of longing and sadness, but tears of joy and gratitude. Gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who blessed me to meet and marry the most perfect man for me on the planet.

I couldn't skip class...Responsible Brittany always wins the battle...but going to class was precisely what I needed. The Ancient Greeks believed that music was the vehicle of catharsis, the ability to purge ourselves of excess emotions and negativity. Even though I wanted to be at home or on the town with my wonderful husband, smelling the beautiful roses he had brought home, I gained a deeper gratitude for what it is that I get to do every day. My friends were so gracious and thoughtful as I was telling them quietly and candidly about the events of the morning. I am so blessed with so many wonderful people who love me and care about me.

Opera rehearsal was wonderful. I love that music can take you anywhere you want to go, and can make you capable of feeling whatever it is you need to feel in a safe environment. It was exactly what I needed. I felt needed. I felt special. I felt loved.

My husband came to pick me up after opera rehearsal without me even asking. He was outside waiting in the car when I left the music building. It was a pleasant surprise. He then whisked me away to Jamba Juice for a smoothie and then we went to The Outer Limits...its an arcade, mini golf, laser tag, and pizza place here in Pocatello. We actually went on a good night. We got a two for one deal with mini golf and both of us got to play for a whopping $5.95...mini golf was fun. It took me back to my childhood when my dad used to let us get off the golf cart at the 18th green and he would let us have putting practice. He would give us pointers and teach us how to hold the club. There is something so comforting about nostalgia...

We also bought $10 worth of tokens and played arcade games. They had this mini bowling game that was a riot, and I actually beat Jeff at the race car (or should I say race boat) game...Jeff got to play a shooting game and we both got to go crazy shooting hoops. It was so nice to just have a night to enjoy my husband and have every reason I love him highlighted. We were fun, we were random,we were crazy, and I couldn't have asked for a better end to a day that had started not so well...

We got enough tickets so that we both could get a prize. We decided to get the same thing, a Fun Dip candy...we sat in a booth and ate our candy and talked. The smell of the pizza at The Outer Limits was almost too much for us. We looked at a menu, but it was super expensive. Jeff and I decided to be thrifty. We stopped and got some Pomegranite 7up and a Digiorno Pizza. We went home, cooked the pizza, and watched Shirley Temple movies for the rest of the night.

The beginning of the day may have been horrible and heartbreaking, but I ended the day with so much happiness and a heart full of love. Heavenly Father answers our prayers, I know it. All morning I had been praying for help to change my attitude, for help to get out of the little black rain clouds that had been covering my head. My prayer was answered and I received way more than I thought I would. God is truly an awesome God.

Okay, in retrospect, I know, many of you are thinking that we've only been married for 3 months...and believe me, we are both aware of that fact. We are in no hurry to start our family, we are just putting when we start building our family into God's hands and hoping for the best. I know that when the time is right, we will be blessed with children somehow. I know that for now there are still things that I need to do and things that Jeff needs to do, and God knows that too. We will continue having faith and continue trusting in His will. Would it have been a blessing to be pregnant, absolutely, and I would have welcomed the challenge that opening a new chapter in my life would bring. I also know, that there is Someone who knows what is best for me, and I need to put my faith in His will.

Now, a few weeks out, I am feeling stronger and am trying to be more aware of the opportunities I am being blessed with on a regular basis. I have the opportunity to be an awesome wife to my amazing and sweet husband. I will never be able to repay him for the kindness and selfless love that he showed to me that horrible day a few weeks ago, but I can always try. I can try to be the best wife I can be, I can try to be more aware of his needs, and I can look for opportunities to bless his life the way he has blessed mine.

I have also been blessed with the wonderful opportunity to be back at Idaho State University working with amazing people and friends who inspire me every day. One of my friends told me today that they heard me in my lesson and they thought at first it was a youtube recording of a professional and then they realized it was me... another friends said that they had been having a horrible day, but then they saw me and I gave them a hug so they were all better now.. these things made me feel so special. I don't profess to be the best or perfect at what I do, but it is so nice to be recognized by and have the love of those around me. They drive me to be better and encourage me when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I am blessed to have all of these wonderful artists in my life and hope that I give back to them what they give to me.

I'm still working on defeating the doubt. I know I will have a family, but for some reason, the doubt is still there, whispering in the back of my head. I try to beat it back. I read my patriarchal blessing whenever I start feeling discouraged. Jeff and I want a large family, Heavenly Father knows this, and he will find a way to bless us so that it will happen. I think of Jeff holding me in his arms and telling me that he loves me, and that whether we have a gaggle of biological or adopted kids, it doesn't matter to him. I have faith in the plan, its just hard to keep walking in the dark waiting for the light to get turned on.

We just take it one step at a time, slowly, trusting the One that leads us to the ultimate end and goal.

I have faith. I can do hard things. More importantly, I am not alone and I know that things will all be alright because I am trying to do what is right. God blesses and tries those that he loves. I am being polished and refined in the refiner's fire. Until I'm polished, I am going to enjoy the process. So far, His plan has been better than anything I could have come up with on my own anyway.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

5 comments:

Lisa said...

Britt you are an amazing girl. I have always known how great you are and even been jealous of your talents on more than one occasion. You will have the chance to be a mom, I'm sure of it. And I SOO know the feeling of wanting it so badly (my 1st was born 4 days before our 1st anniversary). You will be in my prayers. Love you tons!
(PS - I just miss being at ISU!!!!!!! Being surrounded by the amazing music and amazing people!!!!)

Mommy, RN said...

Oh my love,
My heart is sick and sad and so touched all at once! I swear I just read an entry in my journal... could be one of hundreds. So many times, more than I can even remember and count, in the past 8 years, I've gone through the exact routine hoping for babies, accepting, becoming excited, and then seeing the crimson tide swallowing my dreams. :) The cysts (minus surgery), endometriosis, and insulin resistance... are my my long lost sister? :) I swear.....!
If only I had the clarity and peace and faith you're displaying right now...even once, I can't imagine how much less the pain and grief would have been. You're so much stronger than I have ever been and so much more than you even know!!!!
Your wonderful husband definitely gets a gold star for his love and sensitivity!
Know that you are loved, thought of, prayed for often. And since I HATE the phrase, "It'll happen in it's own time, relax" I am NOT going to say that. But I really do feel, even after my own struggles, if Heavenly Father promises it, it may come late, it may come early, or it may not come until the hereafter, but His promises are 100% sure!

Cindy Lou said...

Brittany, you never cease to amaze me with your strength and courage. And why on Earth didn't I say yes when Jeff proposed to me? (teehee)

Amber Wray said...

I don't have any great words of wisdom. I sit here blank. Know I love you and you are in my thoughts. Continue to enjoy this time with your sweet husband for the day will come soon that you will fill your house with the sounds of children and your time will not be your own anymore and there will be alot less of that one on one snuggle time. God's promises are sure!

Mrs. S said...

Try to keep those doubts in check. It can take a little while for your body to get back to its normal and full potential after stopping all those yucky hormones. And a lot of times, you body won't accept a first pregnancy anyway, it is like a little prep psych you out fluke(chemical pregnancy)-rude for our brains, I know!
My sister had that happen, if she had waited the full week to take a test she wouldn't have even known she was pregnant, she miscarried within 2 days of testing positive(at about 1 week after her missed period she started spotting). That was last March-they had stopped her BC about a month earlier. This morning she delivered a healthy baby girl.
I know you have other stuff going on to add to your concern, and that you really don't know me enough for me to be saying all of this to you, but I do know how you feel. I have been there and researched my crazy little heart out. Give it a few months. All is well.