Sunday, August 29, 2010

Blog Therapy

Life is a journey! Good thing we get all the tools we need, even if we don't know we have them right away! :)

So...this blog is more for me than for anyone else. I apologize in advance if it makes no sense. Sometimes I have moments where I look at my life and I think "What the W?!" (This is a phrase some friends of mine and I coined in high school, I'm not completely sure where it came from, but its an explitive that you use when you are completely side swiped or confused by events.)

I've seemed to have a long strung "What the W?!" moment throughout the course of the day today, and I am no sure how I feel about things. I have a tendency ton try to stop thinking about things when I know I am going to cry. I hate crying. I know its cathartic, I know that we are built to cry for good reasons, but I don't like it one bit. I think a lot of it is because I got really used to putting on a happy face and pretending that everything is alright. Sadly, I have realized how dangerous this can be for my heart. Life seems to keep compounding one thing on top of another and, before I know it, I'm stuck in my room crying all by myself over something silly and insignificant. So...this blog is my attempt to either A) Avoid tears or B) invite them to come flooding so I can cry it out and figure out what I want.

I think my "What the W?!" moment started yesterday. I had been out late at the Institute Activity on Friday night. I found myself surrounded by a ton of new faces and I realized how much things had changed since I first went to Institute 8 years ago. I have become friends with two of the most adorable 19 year old girls. They are super sweet, and they idolize me for some odd reason. They are constantly telling me how awesome I am, how gorgeous I am, and what an inspiration it is that I am doing my own thing. Every time they say these things I wonder to myself, "Am I really doing my own thing? Do I really want this?" Anywhooo....I spent the entire Friday night with them. We danced, I met a few boys (all of whom were interested in them) and tried to smile and not seem awkward as they were led off to dance by one of the boys that had flocked around and I was left to wave at them and find my place on the sidelines... that was when I felt OLD...that was when I wondered "What the heck am I doing here?" That is when I felt like the whole world was saying, "What are you doing here Brittany Winberg? This is a dance for YOUNG single adults, the operative word being YOUNG..." then the peppy fast pop music would stop and I would be having a blast again. And of course...there was that ONE GUY...the guy that I kept making eye contact with...the guy that kept looking at me like I should be the one to make the move and come talk to him...the guy who ends up talking to a blonde, modelesque freshman snippet for the whole night and you sit there kicking yourself because you decided to maintain your "standards" by believing that if he really wants to know you, he should come talk to you himself...ughhh

But I digress...I woke up on Saturday and I was feeling the aftermath of my late late Friday. I honestly can't remember the last time I stayed up until 2 AM on purpose. My body woke me up at the usual time, 7 AM...I have been waking up naturally at 7 AM for atleast the last 3 years. Most of the time I am able to convince myself to go back to bed for little longer if I have nowhere to be until later but on days when you've been up until 2 AM it can be a very horrible punishment. I felt like I had been hit by a truck...I think I even made noise...not happy noise, the kind that tells anyone standing outside your room that you think you are dying...I forced myself out of bed for fear that because I was feeling like I'd become cozy with a MAC truck the night before, I would sleep half the day away. I poured a bowl of Peanut Butter Crunch and sat in my room in my cozy dish chair. I was falling asleep in my cereal. I somehow managed to finish eating it, and then I crawled painfully back into bed knowing what was about to come...I was awake again at 11:30. I still felt like I'd been hit by a truck, but when I saw the time I felt like a scrub, I had to get up, I had to do something...I couldn't possibly be THIS old.... My roommate Chelsea (A.K.A. my new soul sister) came home and made the staying up part a but easier, but she was going on a date so I didn't have her for long.

I went to the grocery store. I figured with my list being so short I would be back in 20 minutes or so...I literally had 5 things I needed to know you're old when you spend an hour and a half at the grocery store buying 5 things because you keep debating back and forth about the price versus the brand and other important issues...

I came home and I checked the blogs I follow. Of course, I found myself crying as I read about one person's struggle to deal with the recent death of her daughter by drowning, and I cried when I read another person's tribute to her husband who was celebrating a birthday...and so forth and so on...I read these stories and I think...why am I being such a baby, my trials could be so much more difficult...and then I feel guilty for the rest of the day.

Chelsea came home from her date and called me out to join her. Everyone was standing in our was a slightly awkward time for me as everyone was laughing about the date and the day's events and I was standing there, dateless, smiling....

My dinner was almost ready, and I happened to need to pull it out of the oven while everyone was still of the boys came back with bananas for our banana bread efforts that would be taking place later in the evening and partook of my too spicey vegetarian enchiladas. He loved them, or so he said he did. (P.S. he came back for a cinnamon roll this morning... LOL)

We made banana bread, we went down to the lounge to watch a movie and eat it. We invited the boys in apartment 17 (I guess there is this unspoken rule that the boys of 17 and the girls of 20 be best buddies...who would've thunk...) We watched the movie, we ate banana bread and everyone was having a good time. Another boy that lives in the complex came to join the party...He appeared to be 12 (AKA 19 or so) and of course, he decided I was the object of his desire...he also isn't a member of the church and interrupted my movie watching to explain that he believes in more of a "relationship with God than being religious." He asked for my number...I'm too nice, and I was thinking to myself, "This kid already has an impression of what he thinks members of the church are like, and I don't want to be one of those people who makes him believe that we are rude or only associate with other people who are members of the church." In any case, he got my number...and he has been texting me ever ask if I have a boyfriend, if I'm looking for one, and if we can hang out...he waited for me to get home from church today and tried to convince me to come cuddle with him inside his place...Of course I want to scream : "Seriously...Don't you get it? I'm not interested! We can be friends, great...but you are way too young for me and quite frankly, even if I was interested in dating someone who isn't a member of the church, I don't think you could handle ALL of this..." but alas, I'm too nice, so I smile sweetly, make my excuse for why I can't and move on...

I make Sunday dinner...Chelsea and I invite the boys from 17. I end up feeding 7 boys dinner...6 of them from apartment 17, and one of them is friends with the people in apartment 17...guess who he is...the boy I made eye contact with at the dance all night on Friday...Of course, the eye contact continues, the electric kind, the kind that you know could lead to heartbreak...all through dinner...finally, I broke my silence and said, "Matt (because that's his name) I really like your tie. Its really nice. I like the it.." Of course, I sound like a babbling idiot. He smiles and says, "Thanks, I got it in Virginia, so I guess one good thing came out of me being there." He then continues to make jokes with his friend that had been in Virginia with him this summer...After dinner, he lingers for a bit, shakes my hand a couple times and leaves, slowly...SERIOUSLY? Was I supposed to chase after him and ask for his number..apparently I was because even though we'd been making eye contact all through dinner, and all through the fireside that we all rushed to after dinner, another snippet cornered him and gave him her number...and they continued to talk and were still talking when I left...The experience with this boy have brought me to a few possible conclusions for stories I could learn:

1) He must just be one of THOSE guys that relies on looks and doesn't have to work for a girl because they are always flocking to him. Which means he isn't they type of guy I want to be making electric eye contact with in the first place


2) The rules of dating have changed tremendously and since I haven't been dating, or asked out on dates I just missed the memo..


3) I'm just really really old and set in my ways destined for a spinster's life because I feel strongly that a young man should make the first move after you have been properly introduced (are you reading this, "properly introduced..." Wow...I am old...)

At the fireside tonight I ended up running into my first single's ward bishop and his wife. I ended up sitting with them. Of course they kept asking me questions, wanting to catch up, and of course Bishop (now President) wanted to know if I was dating, kept telling me that he couldn't get over how gorgeous I looked, and apologized for the blunders of his gender...We sat through the fireside. Elder Webb of the 70 talked to us. He talked about how the Lord chastizes us because he loves us, and sometimes we need to be uncomfortable so that we can appreciate the comfort...of course when he said that we need to allow ourselves to be uncomfortable to feel comfort, it struck a nerve, leading me to believe that option 3 was the exact reason why I was feeling the way I was feeling... happened...

Bishop/President turned to look at me with tears in his eyes...

I had told Bishop/President earlier this evening that often time people get mad at me when I tell them how I really feel when it comes to me and dating. I told him that I am working on and accepting the fact that I don't know if I believe that marriage will ever happen for me in this life. He looked at me and nodded as I said it, but now, an hour later, he was gently chastizing me. He reminded me of a blessing he gave me before he had been released as my Bishop, and subsequently became the time of this blessing I was struggling quite a bit. I was having a hard time accepting that I was 20 and still single. I look at that age on the page and I laugh now, but at the time, when all my friends were getting married, my brother/best friend was leaving me to go on a mission, and I felt like I was being left behind. He told me in this blessing of all the things that I was destined to do with my talents and that if I would seek to follow my patriarchal blessing and if I would focus on my education and stay active in the church that I would meet my future eternal companion.

He was crying, and I started crying...and he said, "Brittany, I know you have followed the counsel of that blessing. Because you have followed it, I know that you will be married. I know it." I sobbed and between tears hugged him. He told me I could slap him if I wanted since he made me cry. I told him I could and would never slap him because I loved him too much. Bishop then asked if I had had a blessing recently...I haven't, well not about this anyway...sometimes I feel like I'm beating a dead horse if I ask for revelation regarding my single state. I always get the same answer...if you are faithful in doing A, B, and C you will be blessed to meet your eternal companion...well I keep doing A, B, and C...I would have done them anyway because I know that is what the Lord wants me to do...but the promised blessing still hasn't come to fruition...Sometimes hearing the promise again and again is more painful than not hearing it at all...

I have a good life...I do. I am so blessed. I have amazing family and I make more wonderful friends every day. I have had opportunities that other people have only dreamed of, and I am trying to push myself forward and for the first time I'm trying to push forward alone, I'm trying to stop focusing on things I can't control and work towards the positive things that I can bring into my life on my own...

As I have sat in this extended "What the W?!" moment the last few days, I have started realizing how sad I am. My life is good, I can't complain. I have my struggles, who doesn't? But I know the Lord is there blessing me,but I'm still sad...I'm grieving for something that I can't control. I'm grieving for the life that I truly want. I can keep telling myself over and over again about all the wonderful things I'm going to do, and can do if I just put my mind to it, but I'm really just putting a band-aid on open wound...the open wound left while you wait and wait and wait for something you've been promised and it just doesn't seem to come...

I'm not saying I'm losing faith. I know how it sounds, and it sounds exactly like I am. I know that God loves me. I know he wants the best for me. I know that in this season of my life there are still so many things for me to learn, and there are still so many ways for me to grow. I'm trying to enjoy this season, I'm trying to avoid making the same mistake I made in the past...I look back and I realize I spent so much time focused on what I didn't have I didn't really appreciate what I did have.

Bishop/President also told me once that there would be a day that I would look back and wish that I had savored my moments as a young woman in the 12th ward in the Pocatello, ID University 2nd Stake...I'm just now realizing how right he was as I watch my new 19 year old friends living it up and enjoying being young...well younger...I wish I hadn't spent so much time being worried that I wasn't married yet. I wish I could go back and shake myself and say, "Enjoy this you super freak!"

I guess learning to let go is a process. I'm getting there. I will be there someday. I definitely know that I have stopped taking for granted all of the fun things I get to do with the people I love and care about. I have stopped taking for granted all of the wonderful opportunities I've been given because of my talents and abilities that I have been blessed with.

I suppose I should let myself grieve. I should let myself take one day to just lay in bed and cry and scream and say ,"Woe is me, I'm turning 27 in 46 days and I am single, alone, and sometimes very very lonely." I have to accept that this is my reality. I have to accept that the only way this will change is if I change the way I think about it. I'm working on it...but like I said, I find that sometimes my new outlook seems more like a Band Aid rather than an actual cure for what ails me.

I suppose with time things will become more clear. I know the Lord gives us the answers we seek line upon line. We have to be earnestly asking the right questions.

I guess, for now, I just need to figure out what the right questions are so I can start to understand why my life isn't quite how I'd pictured it.

But...when I look at the picture...

Its definitely something beautiful to behold, and that gives me hope.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!


Lanae said...

I still love to read your blog. I suppose it is therapy. You bring to surface some great points. Isn't Ashley/Patrick really an example of how she/he is handling her situation. I love to read their blog too. You are wonderful. Keep up the great works. It was also fun to see your family today. We took the opportunity to go to the blessing. Love ya!

Rachel G said...

Brittany my girl! I love reading your blog so much! I love how open and frank you are, I wish I could be like that. I love that you got to meet up with Bishop again! Let me just say....27 is NOT old! Take it from somebody who did get married young ....marriage, while its a wonderful thing, is a challenge. Once you get married (and you will!), there will be so many times and situations when you will look back and be so grateful that you had a certain experience or learned a particular thing, while you were single, because it will help your marriage be that much stronger, and your husband will appreciate it too. And once you do find that perfect guy and are so in love, you will be so glad that you are 27 or 30 or whatever age....because THAT guy....would not have fallen in love with 19 year old Brittany.

And at that point you will also look back and "oh when I was young and 27 and single...." 27 is still young girl!! Live it up! Love ya :)

The White House said...

Brittany the day will come. Love the life you live, cause it is quite amazing. I got lucky and found my perfect man young, but I told Brady I would have married much later if thats what it took to find my perfect man. You are just patiently waiting for the right one and not selling yourself short. You'll be grateful when you do. I have seen plenty of people in my family get married just to get married and they are not very happy.
Oh and the guy thing, some guys are just fishers. They put the bait out and wait for it to be caught. Some men are hunters and they do all the finding of their women. So yes, some men you do have to step up and give them a little pull on their bait. Good Luck!

WrayFam said...

Love your blog! I am always gauranteed a good novel with soap opera action! LOL Seriously I love you and just remember those things you have been promised.

Sarah said...

Well, cousin Brittany, I don't usually comment on your blog though I do read it regularly.

You probably don't know that I wasn't married until I was 31 (almost 32)! I seemed to have similar feelings - and I guess so does everyone in a similar situation. But I am so glad for the experiences I had while I was single and now I have a wonderful education that I'm so grateful for too.

The only advice I have to give is keep moving forward with your life. Marriage does seem to come unexpectedly sometimes. When you've given up trying so hard, that's when the Lord believes you're ready. But keep doing what you want to do and continually trying to improve yourself. Learn to love the situation you are in right now instead of looking to something better. It's one of the most difficult things in life to learn (I'm still working at it every day)!

Keep up the good work. I read about all the fun stuff you are doing and the good times you are having with your nieces and nephews. Enjoy every moment because once you are married, life changes dramatically.

PS - try reading John Bytheway's talk "What I wish I'd known when I was single". It's pretty funny and insightful -- ie it's better to be happily single than miserably married!