Monday, November 30, 2009

Danger! Danger Will Robinson!

Okay....

So, I'll admit it...mom convinced me to try a membership to an LDS dating website for a month... I have a few friends and even some family members who have met their significant other online, and I've always been very curious to see if it would work.

At this point, let's just say that I am glad I haven't paid for more than a month. I have met a lot of guys, chatted and had some interesting conversation, but my recent dates with two gentlemen I met through the website have made me question if I even belong in the dating world at all...LOL...

So, let me tell you the stories and then you can tell me how THEY find me...

Date # 1:

Let me preface this by saying I knew in advance that I wasn't physically attracted to this person at all, but I figured, "Hmmmm maybe I'm just being picky." I decided he deserved a chance, he seemed perfectly normal and very kind. He was coming home for Thanksgiving from Tennessee where he works and "opportunity is not a lengthy visitor" (bonus points if you can name the musical...LOL)

So, the date started out...he still seemed perfectly nice so I was excited to think that if anything I would have a pleasant evening with a new friend. However, there were no "sparks" flying. I just wasn't feeling it. As the evening progressed, I began to feel bad, because while I wasn't feeling it, he obviously was. He was asking very deep personal questions, questions that I didn't feel were appropriate for a first date, but I figured I would answer them because atleast it would keep the conversation going.

We went to Sol Rio for dinner...I told him that the only reason you go to Sol Rio is their pork...he ordered the chicken...and then proceeded to complain about his dinner the whole time...

We went to a movie. I was sending very clear signals with my body language that there would be no snuggling or holding hands, or atleast I thought I was clear. He literally pulled my hands apart and put my hand in his, he then proceeded to put his arm around me, pull me head into his chest and say "You know, you don't have to sit so far away." I didn't know what to do...I sat up and said that my neck was hurting. Then, in the middle of the movie he leans over and says "Give me a back rub." I was very confused....the boy had arms and hands like an octopus and I couldn't keep up and keep him away...

At the end of the evening we were driving back to my parent's apartment and he said, "So, do you kiss on the first date?" I very quickly and firmly answered (almost shouting) "NO!" He then proceeded to ask me to justify why I wouldn't kiss on the first date (ie kiss him) The nerve! As we stood at the doorstep to say goodnight he then asked me to DTR (that means Define the Relationship for those of you who have been out of the dating game for a while) I was flabbergasted....I very politely told him that I didn't know him well enough to say that I would be his girlfriend and that I wasn't interested in trying to do the long distance thing...he left dejected, I left confused and a little disgusted...

Date #2:

Okay, I didn't think things could get any worse. This other guy refused to show me a picture or tell me what he did for a living while we were conversing online, he said he wanted to discuss it in person...Should have been my first warning.

We seemed to have a lot in common, so I was willing to give him a chance. He invited me out for a Sunday afternoon drive. I thought, okay...but considering my first experience with a guy from this website on Friday I was half tempted to call my parents or Sheena and tell them what kind of car he drove, what color it was, and what I was wearing just in case....

So, Sunday rolls around, and I am having a very good hair day...I don't often consider myself "hot" but on Sunday I looked smokin'! I was very happy with my overall look and I thought, well if this guy is worth it I know he will be pleased with me in person as opposed to me the picture...

Yeah...he pulls up in a black BMW with tinted windows and windshield (supposedly illegal in the state of ID, but no one seemed to be stopping him) I opened the car door and I was very disappointed...VERY MUCH NOT MY TYPE...but I'd agreed to go with him, so instead of making an excuse to not go like my instincts told me to, I get in the car, smile, and try to be polite. He kept touching me, he kept punching my arm and tickling my leg, and all the while I sat there like an idiot smiling. We began to discuss our families and family dynamics and where we fit in...

and then...something happened that I never thought I would experience in my life....

Call me crazy, but you don't tell a girl you were molested as a child on the first date...NO JOKE...I kept trying to change the subject, but he just kept going...DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!!!!!

I wanted to ask him to slow down to 35, that way I could tuck and roll and then I could hopefully use my phone to call for a ride. To make matters worse, we just kept driving, I didn't know where we were going. As we got off the freeway to go to Ashton, I realized he was trying to take me to Mesa Falls....I knew it wouldn't be a good idea, but since I knew I was in the car with captain crazy, I decided not to question his juedgement. As we made our way up the winding mountain road, the snow got worse and worse. Finally, we passed a sign that said "Road not maintained past this point" I guess I looked visibly nervous because he said "Are you alright?" I wanted to shout "No, I'm in the car with a psycho who won't stop touching me and wants to tell me his life story,and to top it all off you're going to get us stuck!" But, my social filter got the best of me and I said, "I'm just a little concerned about the road conditions. We're not exactly in a truck with 4 wheel drive." He laughed and patted the dash and said,"This car can make it through anything, its BMW." Thank you captain obvious...

We slowly made our way up the unmaintained road and found the turn off to get to the lower falls, it was completely snowed in (so surprising, right?) My date began to turn the car around, and we started to spin out...that's right we got stuck! I was stuck with super freak for 45 minutes before anyone else came along to help... HELLO AWKWARD PREGNANT TURTLE MOMENT!

As we made our way down the road, he laughed and said, "I guess you were right, but I'm glad you're a good sport about it." I politely laughed and looked out the window...the more time I spent with him the more I wished I had the number for a good plastic surgeon, a doctor who could either give him a new face because perhaps that would make me less nervous because the longer I spent with him the more creepy he became, or give me a new face so I could go into hiding...I wasn't sure which I preferred.

As we turned out onto the freeway, he mentioned going back to his place to watch a movie. I politely smiled and said, "You know, I had to work really late last night, and I have to work late again tonight, I really just want to get home and take a nap." He dejectedly agreed to take me home...it was the longest drive I've been on in a very long time. He kept remarking that I looked uncomfortable...I guess my acting skills were off, but I didn't care, I was practically crawling up the side of the car...and he kept reaching over and tickling my thigh and laughing....I just tried to keep the conversation going and focus on something else.

So, he wouldn't stop texting me after the date, and he wrote me a very long message afterwards as well...I didn't read it all. All I saw was him asking if I thought he was attractive or not...how do you tell someone that they strongly resemble a person with Downsyndrome (not that I'm prejudice, but that is seriously what he reminded me of)? I wrote back and very politely told him that I didn't feel a spark and I didn't see us being more than friends, and wished him luck with his future endeavors...I left out the part that he creeped me out and I failed to tell him that for future reference, he probably shouldn't mention his colorful family past until he is in a committed relationship...I thought that perhaps it would just be best to let him continue on his socially awkward path rather than burst his bubble...

Later that night at work, my team lead Amanda and I were commiserating. I guess she had her own brush with internet dating on E Harmony...her experiences were colorful as well...we then decided that if we were only going to attract superfreaks, we should come up with ways to get out of the date...here are a few of the lines we came up with:

1) "How well versed in the Idaho Child Support laws are you? I know quite a bit..."

2)" I have 5 baby daddies already, are you interested in becoming # 6?"

3) "Hey do you remember those unsolved murders last year?...yeah, so do I..."

4) put your ear to your watch and start talking to it, To watch: "Yes sir, loud and clear" To him" "I'm sorry, we'll have to cut this short, they need me back at the base."

5) Put a square of chocolate and a square of chocolate flavored ex lax in a zip lock bag, then say "If you want me to take a risk on you, you can go ahead and take a risk too, choose your poison..."

6) Carry around a fold out of pictures of cats...pull it out, "This is Mister Snugglepuff, and he's looking for a new daddy...yessss heee issss..."

7) At dinner, spill something on yourself, crawl out the bathroom window and call for a ride.

8) "My ex boyfriend still gets a little jealous...he used to be a cage fighter. Let's just say I don't get on many second dates. But don't worry, my last date was only in the hospital overnight."

9) *and my personal favorite* "You know that show Ghost Whisperer show? Yeah, I can do that..."

10) "So, I thought I should let you know...I was involved in a hit and run accident a few weeks ago, the cops found me yesterday...how do you feel about prison orange as a wedding color?"

This list could go on...Amanda and I were at it for about 5 hours...lets just say we both left with a headache from laughing so much...

But seriously...HOW DO THEY FIND ME? Where is the giant neon sign above my head that says, "Only jerks and superfreaks need apply?" and how do I turn it off?

Needless to say, I don't believe I will be renewing my membership after this month is over. I will leave online dating to the superfreaks, if I am going to date someone,I'll do it the normal way.... Thank you very much!

Hugs and loves until next time...

Britt

5 comments:

Tenise said...

GASP!! PMP!!! LOL!! Bahaha! haha!! That was hilarious. I'm dying over your lines to get out of the date, as well as the rest of it. YIKES!! Crazy. I'm glad you're okay after these dates! Oh, and for bonus points, Into the Woods.

Rebecca said...

HILARIOUS!! I think I've had a few of those awkward moments, too. Glad you made it out of there alive. Good luck in finding a normal guy out there. I'm beginning to wonder if there are any...

WrayFam said...

Oh BOY! Man alive that sounds super scary. I probably would've had a panic attack and they would have had to call mom and Parker but at least they could send my scary date home.

Meikjn said...

thanks for the laugh at your expence. I have had those dates too. I learned that it is best to not give some people a chance... and the horrible childhood history thing creeeeeepy. i had that happen once. the guy kept telling me about his messed up family and childhood, then he kept making refrances to me meeting them.... why would I want to? yeesh. dont loose hope I know some single guys your age that are awesome. (and pretty good looking too)I have always thought internet dating was crazy. people are very different in person.

The High Family- said...

Wowza, that was intense. I am so sorry that happened. You were so brave. You deserve a button that says, "I survived 2 freaky boys!" Way to go girl!!