SOoooo its Sunday, and I'm sitting in the Institute building because I don't really want to go home...Go figure- I love my roomies, I just can't be in the chaos that is my apartment since the whole puddle in my room debachle...
I've been struggling lately. Now is the time that I need to be figuring out what I am going to do with myself once I graduate...and lets just say I've been a little confused and otherwise discombobulated by what I've been finding. Originally, I had decided that I wanted to teach at the University level once I was finished; however, that hasn't worked out so well because now I find that in the Voice category of music teachers at the collegiate level, you have to have a Doctorate to apply for almost all Associate Professor positions. So I was back to square one...
I have been praying and praying, and quite frankly, I have been feeling like I'm sitting in a dark room, I know the Savior is there, but I can't find his hand so that he can guide me. I have a lot of options being thrown at me from all directions and I just don't know where to turn. The only thing that I know for sure is what I DON'T want...I don't think I want a performing career anymore. Now that I've been to the temple I think I've been given a new purpose and focus...For the most part, a performance career would require that I give less time to the Lord and miss church for performances, rehearsals, etc. While I love being on the stage with my whole heart, I cannot picture a life where I would allow myself to be so far removed from the spirit. My experiences of late have drawn me closer to the Savior than I ever thought possible.
Well, in all my praying, I have been having definite feelings about BYU-Idaho...I didn't know why, as far as I could see there weren't even any adjunct openings in the voice department for me (yes...adjunct, a part time professor, that is what a Master's degree will get you kiddies!) I was talking to my sister Amber the other day about my woes and she said something that struck a nerve...she said "Well, what about getting a teaching degree? How long would that take you? You could do it at BYU-I." I felt my pulse quicken and I got all excited. So, I promised Amber that I would inquire as soon as I could about this possibility. I recieved a return email from the head of the music department, he was super nice and he definitely had some great information for me. I wouldn't have to start over, but I would have to spend another 2 years atleast getting my education credentials and I would have to go through the College of Education. Well, I prayed about it, and I felt good about it...for a while...but then I started to doubt myself. I didn't know if I was really feeling the spirit tell me that this was what I was supposed to be doing or if it was me just wanting to go home for a while (I have been very VERY homesick since I came back to Montana.)
Well, I was feeling even more confused and down and it just seemed like it was taking too much of a toll. I finally prayed and told God that he needed to stop because I couldn't handle anymore! I had the impression that I needed to talk to my dear old Bishop. I love the Priesthood...how lucky are we as members of the LDS church to know that the Priesthood keys have been restored...It was so nice to talk to him. He put things into perspective, then I asked him to give me a blessing. When I asked he said "I actually was already planning on it, but I'm glad you asked."
I feel so dumb sometimes for letting Satan pull me down. I have been feeling for a while that something BIG is coming. I don't know what it is, but I know that it is of eternal significance in my life. Satan is doing everything he can to make me doubt myself, my abilities, and my faith. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who gently pokes me in the side until I figure out that this is going on. So, after the blessing I am feeling some new purpose and focus.
I have made my decision. I just sent an email to the Education department chair at BYU-Idaho to see what I need to do to apply for this program. I know that this is what I need to do. I know what some of you are thinking...a Doctorate will only take you 2 more years, why go to school for 2 more years to get your undergraduate teaching certification? Here is why...because that is what I feel God wants me to do, because I know that, in my heart of hearts, what I want more than anything is to inspire young people the way that I was inspired by my elementary, junior high, and high school music teachers. I want to be someone who makes a difference, I love the youth of this world, a lot of them experience struggles that I couldn't even imagine, and I feel like I have something to offer them (what it is I might never know, but darn it I'm going to offer it!)
I just need to be home, with "my people"...for those of you who aren't Mormon, you may be thinking that I am insane, that is okay, I wonder about my mental health a lot of the time...but what I do know is that I cannot deny how I feel. I know that God loves all of his children, and like any parent, he isn't just going to leave you alone to figure it out. We all have the power of personal revelation and if you can learn how God speaks to you, you are so much better off. It is so much easier to go through life knowing that you are being directed by someone who has eternal knowledge, by someone who can see further down the road than you. I have a purpose, I know where I will ultimately end up, its just figuring out the stops along the way that is the "fun" part. Just because its supposed to be the Plan of Happiness doesn't mean you will always be happy. You have to learn and grow from adversity, and t is in the times of confusion that you need to look to God. He knows where your going. He has the whole road map, you just have a map of each city as you pass through it.
I know I am on the verge of something great! I can't wait until I get to see what it is, but until then I will wait in eager anticipation with excitement. I have such an awesome road ahead and I think it will be a fun ride!