Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Great Debate

Well... the 12 week mark has come and gone. Its crazy to think that in 7 months another baby will be making his or her way to our house.

I also find myself in a position that I never envisioned I would be in...

The 12 week mark has come and gone and I still haven't told my boss I am expecting another baby.

Truth be told, I don't really know what to say. I don't really know what to do.

On one hand, I LOVE my job. Given all the stresses of having three kids three and under and then adding to that the stresses of a child with special needs, those few hours away focusing on something other than home and hearth have been a saving grace. It is wonderful to go an focus on music, my students and what many people believe I was "destined" to do.

On the other hand, I still haven't gotten over the guilt of leaving my kids with a sitter. I missed out on several "firsts" for Faith that were delayed because of the Autism,  and I frequently feel guilty that I miss out on snuggle time with Vivi (especially now that we know another baby is coming into the picture and ahe a will no longer be the youngest).

Timing is also particularly difficult. The new baby is due 3-4 weeks before the start of the new semester.  My current sitter is moving this summer and this means I will likely have to look into traditional daycare unless I can find another friend that is looking to make a few hundred extra dollars a month...this means that I will have nowhere to take the new baby since daycare facilities can't take infants until 6-8 weeks of age.

This means I will definitely not be able to teach the autumn only lecture classes I taught this year...having a baby with me for a few weeks in the office while I teach private students is one thing, but I highly doubt it would be deemed as "appropriate" for there to be a baby wearing professor teaching lecture classes on campus.

Will my boss be understanding about the situation and be okay with me bringing baby along to teach lessons for the first few weeks? Who knows. That is the sleepiest time for newborns so he or she will likely not be a nuisance and since I am not planning on breast feeding (let the firestorm of hate comments commence but imagine me with an Autistic three year old, an energetic two year old, and a 13 month old having to be tethered to a new baby every hour on the hour...I'm going to be honest and say that in the interest of sanity and me being the best mom I can be, formula is going to be MUCH easier.) A quick shake of the bottle and diaper change and I will be able to focus on my students.

Then comes the guilt, and the question: will I be able to leave my newborn at a daycare center when he/she is old enough to go? I am not sure I am going to be able to handle it... as much as I love my job, I love my babies more and I don't know if I have it in me to leave any of them at a daycare facility,  let alone a newborn.

The other problem: my husband really wants me to keep my job.  It has added extra security to our income each month. It has provided a way for us to afford therapy for Faith through the ASSERT program, and has made it possible for us to afford to start some home renovations to make our house more "ours" and not just a place we moved into.

I have been praying about it for weeks and I still am no closer to an answer about what to do.

On the one hand my job offers me an "out" which decreases my stress and makes me a better mom and provides a little extra security financially that makes me and my husband worry less, but on the other hand, the timing of the new baby will make it extremely difficult to maintain...let alone "sell" the idea to my boss.

I LOVE being a college professor.  It truly is my "dream job". I get to spend every day focused on my third greatest love (my husband and kids come first and second and tie for both spots), music.  I get to help others find passion for it and direction. I get to make a difference in their lives and their education.  I love the spirited debates with my colleagues and feeling like I have some say in the future of the voice department. ..

But then I prepare a lesson for church and read quotes about motherhood and its divine role and importance and I dissolve into a puddle of tears,  feeling like this internal debate means that I am a failure at it or a bad mom because I need the break...

That being said, I am an adjunct.  I am sure if I was full time with benefits,  this internal discussion would not even be necessary.  I would be entitled to maternity leave and would just have to make up lessons when I got back and find someone to cover my lecture classes until I got back...

I also don't know what my future with the department will be next year anyway even if the baby wasn't coming into play. Financially the music department is struggling to find funding sources to cover current programs and programs they announced that were supposed to be ready this year that aren't.

Perhaps, the reason why I am not getting an answer when I pray is because it isn't up to me. It will be up to the voice area head and the music department chair...


But that still leaves me where I have been for the last several weeks...starting and erasing emails to the voice area head to tell her the news about baby #4.

Why does life have to be so complicated sometimes.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

1 comment:

Juliet Rose said...

you have an amazing family ..god bless you :)