What Ifs?

Sorry...

I know its been a while...Did you miss me?

Truth be told there have been a million things I've wanted to blog about but between the joys of pre-term labor and handling two toddlers, its been hard to find time to sit down and focus my thoughts, but after yesterday, I KNOW I need to sit down and focus my thoughts to work through some things...

Yesterday, we had a meeting with the Head Start Preschool coordinator for our school district about Faith's transition from Up to 3 to Head Start and all that it would entail.

To be perfectly honest, going into it, I had very few concerns or problems. I have been excited to think about the opportunity of Faith going to preschool and getting some extra help and therapy with other kids present...

But it just goes to show how naive I am sometimes.

Considering what we've told her, and where Faith's previous scores from 6 months ago are (and considering that there hasn't been a considerable amount of change) the director said that she believes Faith will end up in the preschool and not doing therapy twice a week at one of the schools. That was fine, I was expecting her to say that...and then she mentioned the school bus...

The realization suddenly hit me.

They would be expecting me to put my baby on a bus, let an aid strap her in to a harness or seat belt on the bus, and trust that she would get there and back safely...

The anxiety wells up just as much now as it did yesterday.

Considering Faith's tendency to bolt, considering that I rarely spend time away from her because no one really knows how to handle her, considering that time I spend away from her has always been at home with a relative watching...this seems like an almost laughable and insurmountable task.

It just hadn't dawned on me that I wouldn't BE THERE...

She will spend 2-4 days a week from 9- noon away from me, alone... I have to trust a teacher, some aids, and a speech therapist to watch her while managing other kids with disabilities similar to hers or worse than hers...

We had taken a little tour and walked through an actual class in session. One little boy, completely immobile, was on a carpet with a teacher and the speech therapist working, and there were two aids with a group of about 8 kids sitting at a table...and the door was wide open (don't get me wrong,other teachers had their doors closed, but this one was WIDE OPEN)...

The thought of me not being there to watch her,to be sure she stays in the room, to be sure she stays in her seat and is staying on task...it TERRIFIES me...

What if the teacher leaves the door open and she slips away? What if she won't sit and do what is expected of her- she doesn't follow directions and we've been working really hard on getting her to meet the same expectations that other kids have to meet when we're in group settings, but we're SO FAR from being to the point where we can get her to without a struggle...

My baby will be all by herself, I won't be there to figure out how to end the melt down, I won't be there to praise her and help her... I haven't even been able to leave her alone in nursery without her being brought to me in melt down mode (with the exception being in our ward in Wyoming, and I believe that the only reason I was able to leave her was because I spent 3 months in there with her, getting her used to everyone)

I keep trying to remind myself that this will be good for her. She needs this experience. She needs to learn how to follow instructions from someone other than me, she needs to learn how to work better with other kids and socialize...

but all the "what ifs"and looking at where she is now, I sit here wondering how it will be possible for this to be successful....

I was having contractions last night and didn't get much sleep. All the worst case scenarios ran through my mind like a marathon of anxiety (since I really had nothing better to do than be worried...) I prayed and prayed and prayed over and over and over for her safety, for my anxiety to let up about it, for me to stop harping on it...

In the end...my daughter is aptly named. Her whole life has been an exercise in faith for me.

I know that faith conquers fear.

As the summer months pass, as we move forward and start the necessary testing for Head Start, I need to continue to pray that my faith will grow, that I will be able to see the baby steps forward that will start to put my mind at ease about sending her all by herself somewhere, that I will be able to develop faith in the teachers, aids, and therapists there to protect her from the world (and sometimes from herself) while teaching her the skills she so desperately needs.

I can't give her everything. I can't teach her everything. I know I need to let go and trust- trust that God will protect her, trust the education of these awesome special educators that have devoted their careers to kids like Faith, and trust that Faith will conquer her obstacles and be successful.

I know that, in the end, the anxiety will likely still be there. New and unknown journeys are always a little scary...but I am holding onto the hope that as I pray for the light to show the way, I will be able see little glimpses of how we're being prepared for this big step. I will be able to have my hope turned to faith as I act daily to try to help prepare my sweet baby girl and myself for this impending journey.

I know I have a loving Father in Heaven who will help see us through. I know he tests us to make us stronger. This is just one more test...its probably harder on this mamma than it will be on my sweet girl, but only time will tell.

In the end, God will drag you kicking and screaming from one blessing to the next if he has to. I'd rather not kick and scream and enjoy the ride, so I will look for the blessing in this anxiety, I will look for the blessings that come as we make the preparations for Faith to start her preschool journey, and I will continue to pray and allow this anxiety to draw me closer to my Father in Heaven.

In the end, it will be a good thing, but excuse me while I quietly sob to myself thinking about all the "what ifs" for a little while...

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.