Sometimes, as human beings, we have a tendency to want to "keep up with the Joneses." We have the desire to have things that perhaps aren't meant for us to have. Lately, amidst the stresses and strains that the life monster has thrown at my ankles, waiting to watch me fall so he can laugh, I have been trying to make it a point to focus instead on me. In all this self reflection, and tripping over the stuff that life is throwing at my ankles, I think I have uncovered the one thing I need to be less stressed. So of course, I want to share it with you.
I am now on a quest.
What is this quest, you might ask?
I am on a quest to find my bliss.
I think I'm a heck of a lot closer than I originally thought.
Stay with me here for a minute. Let me ask you some questions. Look at your life? Are you finding yourself restless? That seems to be the story of my life as of late.
I look at my life and sometimes I think, "Holy cow, this is awesome!" Other times I look at my life and think, "Is this living, I don't think this is living." Atleast not the living I'd hoped for.
But I look at my life, when the life monster throws things at my ankles, and I usually find that if I am looking in the right place, there is always someone standing there. Someone who isn't laughing at me, with a hand extended waiting to help me up and dust off, so that I can once again be my fabulous glorious self.
My last blog post got tons of response through facebook, email, phonecalls, and I want to say to everyone who approached me, thank you so much for your support and heartfelt stories. I have learned without a doubt that I am not alone in my secret thoughts and fears. I have also heard stories from some of you who have been exactly where I am and I got wonderful advice. You helped me to see that, no, I am not crazy.
But moving forward, after realizing that I have some of the best friends in the world, some of that very good advice came from what I thought would be an unlikely source. This individual who gave me the advice, had never struck me as someone who had felt the way that I feel sometimes, but she assures me she has and that she too had done some pretty stupid things in the search for "Mr.Right". We sat in her beauty room (yes she has her own room in her house, her husband gave it to her so she could have her own space.) and over diet 7 ups we talked about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. When love came up, I hesitantly shared with her my fears, sorrows, and concerns. She said, (and I'm paraphrasing here, some of the words are word for word, but it you'll get the jist)"Brittany, you need to focus on you, you need to focus on what makes you happy. If along the way you meet someone and you marry and become a mom, then blessed be, but if it never happens then blessed be. What makes you happy? Chase that, hold on to that and never let go. Find your bliss Brittany, find it!"
Now, this is no new idea. Its the same advice that many people had already given me, just in different packaging, but her words "find your bliss" struck a chord.
Well, after much thought, I think I have found my bliss. I know what it is. I know when I am happiest: Give me a piece of music, a practice room, and let me have a few hours to create something new. Music is my bliss, its how I am emotionally fulfilled (and its a heck of a lot cheaper than therapy, then again, if you look at my student loan bills, you may not say that.)
I'm already on the path to my bliss. To me, music is almost as vital as air. I think I already reached the conclusion when I was finding myself restless and unhappy in Missoula, MT that the idea of having a day job with music on the side was not an option for me. I needed to find a job where I could have music all day every day. Enter going back to school for my education credentials, and since then the doors and windows have been opening, I've just been too blind to see them.
I knew I belonged back in Idaho, I knew I needed to go back to school, but that secret part of me was hoping that the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach (you know, the one when something big is about to happen and your soul just knows it) meant that perhaps I would finally be the fish in the sea that the fisherman caught and took home for forever...ie I would find my glowy hunk and live happily ever after.
I look back and feel so dumb for not seeing all the opportunities, all of the blessings that I have been given because I allowed myself to be so blinded by the rest of my hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams are awesome, until they blind you...
I have one of the most amazing voice teachers in the world. She won't let me get away with anything! She is genuinely one of my biggest fans. Her support and funny whisperings in my ear after I sing make my heart happy, they give me hope, they help me to see why I do what I do. I am going to school in one of the best music education programs in the state (I think its the best, but I may be biased) I got to take classes that I technically shouldn't have been allowed to take because of my advanced degree and I learned so much about music, about education, but more importantly about myself and the kind of teacher and person I want to be. I have made some incredible new friends, and have grown closer to old ones. These friends have been there for me no matter what, whether I'd done something stupid and needed to be reminded that I was human and its okay to mess up, or whether I was having a diva dust moment backstage and needed to be reminded that I'm human and I don't have to be the best all the time...I am so so so blessed. These people are a large part of my bliss.
Thank you to all of my friends, old and new. Thank you for being there for me no matter what, and loving me, and cheering for me. Thank you for your wonderful advice and words of encouragement in my darkest hours. I have taken much of that advice, and I will tell you that I realized today that my joy is full. Thank you for helping me to see that I'm not alone. Thank you for asking me for help. It has been through helping you that I have started to help myself.
More importantly, I am so thankful for a loving God. Some of you might not believe in God, some of you might not worship him as I do, but I can say for myself that I know that there is a higher power at work, there has to be, or there would be too many coincidences in this world. I look at my life, and I see his hand. I see that he has been leading me all along. I can see that even when I mess up, he still loves me, in fact, he still blesses me- he wants me to be happy. He wants all of us to be happy.
So everyone...do some self reflection. Find your bliss. You will find that the things that you want will still be there, they will still be a want, but they won't blind you to everything else.
Not saying I'm perfect at this yet. I know what my bliss is, I'm trying to keep hold of it, but bliss can be slippery and hard to grip when you're new to grabbing it and not letting go. All I know, is that the first step is recognizing your bliss, and trying to make sure, when times are tough and dark, that you remember that its there.
And that my darlings, is the lesson of the day (atleast its been mine...)
Hugs and loves until next time!