Simmer Down Now...

WARNING: INCREDIBLY MORMON-Y POST FOLLOWS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED...SORRY IF IT CAUSES OFFENSE. THESE ARE MY VIEWPOINTS AS I UNDERSTAND THE GOSPEL AND DOCTRINE OF THE MORMON CHURCH AND ARE NOT MEANT TO REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THE CHURCH AS A WHOLE.

Oh...how the media is hyping over the founder of the Ordain Women movement and a podcaster from Logan, UT being put through church discipline councils...

All I can say, in the words of one of my favorite SNL characters: SIMMER DOWN NOW!....

The church has released their own statement in regards to people being worried that these disciplinary councils are a sign that we as church members are not allowed to question church leaders...and I could leave it at that, but in my efforts to use the internet for good, I feel compelled to share my thoughts and impressions on the situation. Take it or leave it. I have prayed and gone back and forth about whether or not to write this post and ultimately feel like I NEED to say what I have to say.

For starters- we ABSOLUTELY can question church leaders. The point in this situation is that the founder of Ordain Women and this particular podcaster were answered REPEATEDLY through statements and even General Conference addresses about their questions. Instead of taking those answers, praying about where they stood with those answers, and moving on, they persisted to continue to badger and question in very public ways not just church leaders, but fundamental doctrine... In essence, they weren't questioning church leaders, they were and are questioning God...

They claimed to be in good standing with the church and to believe the fundamental doctrine...they just wanted changes to the doctrine...seems like in wanting to change the fundamental doctrine you don't believe in it as much as you think you do.

In response to the podcaster... He (the podcaster) openly supported Ordain Women and also made moves for change so that "openly gay" people could be active members of the church. I will address his questions on openly gay members as I plan on addressing Ordain Women in a moment...

The church responded. Gay members are MORE than welcome to worship with us, hold callings, even attend the temple as long as they are willing to live the standards of the church. There is no sin in admitting same sex attraction, the sin comes from acting upon that urge- just as acting upon heterosexual urges outside the bonds of marriage is a sin. What he was calling for is really a non change... in other words- As long as you're willing to submit yourself to the same rules as other members, if you TRULY believe all church doctrine and follow it, you can admit your same sex attraction and still be fit for service and church membership... Just as any person that sins, you lose privileges and must repent if you act upon urges that are contradictory to church doctrine.

So what changes are you calling for? If that isn't good enough, then what you SHOULD be saying is that you want God to change his mind about the first commandment he ever gave- the first commandment of marriage- TO MULTIPLY.

I will openly admit. God never says "And this is the definition of marriage." in the bible... What He does do is make some commandments about marriage when he gives Eve to Adam.

He tells them to cleave to one another, to go forth and be fruitful, he tells them to replenish the earth and work together to be good stewards over it...but first and foremost- the VERY first commandment he gave was to go forth and multiply.

Can a gay couple cleave to one another and help each other through life- YES, Can they raise children? ABSOLUTELY.   In short, a gay couple sadly falls short on the first commandment- to MULTIPLY. A man and a man and a woman and a woman cannot combine their genetic material to create life- ergo- their union is not a true marriage in the eyes of God.

Hold on- don't get upset. I believe in civil rights! I have plenty of gay friends that I love dearly and I definitely think that if you're going to choose to spend 40, 50, 60 years of your life with someone you should have the right to make medical decisions for them, receive tax breaks, etc. The state can define marriage however the heck they want as long as they maintain the separation of church and state and don't try to require churches to change their doctrine. There are plenty of other churches out there that will happily perform gay marriage because they don't see the bible the way my church does and that is totally okay.

And before you tell me that if I believe that the power to have children makes a marriage and that means that infertile couples don't have a real marriage I need to remind you that, in my belief system, the power to create life extends into the next life and that the married men and women who are following the commandments of God will be blessed to create life in the next life. We will all be in perfected bodies when we resurrect and the things barring them from creating life when biologically they should be able to will be gone.

If my humble opinion of the gay marriage topic should really be known its this: the state has NO BUSINESS defining marriage. Give it back to the people. Back in the day, the church would perform their marriages and report to the state (hence having to look through church bibles for marriage records before a certain point). Let the churches perform whatever marriages they want. IF the state wants to give tax breaks, the churches can report the marriages they have performed and the state accepts them. The only law should be "no marriages between men and animals or inanimate objects, and no marrying someone under the age of 18" yada yada... and there you go.

A big belief that we hold as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is that all men have agency. We all have the right to choose how we will live their lives and by what moral compass we will walk the paths we travel. Do I believe that there is more to this life and its imperative that we make sure our choices reflect an eternal perspective as opposed to being happy in the moment? Absolutely I do,but some people can't comprehend the idea of living for an afterlife...and that is okay.  I believe that even people who "sin" can be good people. I view homosexuality the same way I view drinking or smoking. You make a choice to act on an impulse and choose to continue to make that choice. Does that make you a bad person? NO. The friends that I have that do live a homosexual lifestyle are some of the kindest, sweetest people I know. They still can exhibit Christlike love and be charitable and kind. We all innately are good because our spirits are innately good. They just made a choice to act on an impulse and live continually acting upon it. Ultimately, where they end up on the eternal end of things is up to them and God. The bible says to judge not lest ye be judged, so I won't judge.

By my  moral compass- Yes, homosexuality is a sin. I can say that and not feel uncomfortable. I can also say that I can love people regardless of their sins because we were told by Christ that the manner of men we ought to be are even as He is. Christ didn't rebuke or condemn the woman caught in the act of adultery. He healed all without paying heed to whether or not they were Jews or Gentiles. He taught everyone equally and in the same way. I can be like Christ and love people in spite of them breaking what I believe to be the laws of God without making them feel like crap for it.

To be tolerant doesn't mean I have to believe their life is right, it just means I accept it, kindly agree to disagree and move on.

If you truly believed the foundational doctrines of the LDS church. If you were worthy of holding a temple recommend as this gentleman said he was, then he wouldn't have continued to question God and what has been laid out plainly for him through His word.


Now, onto Ordain Women.

This sister, while well meaning, at the last statistic I heard, only represents about 1%o of the women of the church...1%.... Nowhere NEAR a majority.

To be honest, I find their overall aim very sad and far from liberating.

They are allowing themselves to believe the biggest lie that Satan has told in the last 40 years or so in his attempt to degrade families and attack us...

the lie that if you don't have what someone else does it makes you less...

If I lived my WHOLE LIFE keeping score of what other people had that I didn't, it would be a very sad life indeed.

Living this life causes people to stop looking inward. They stop looking for their own talents and what makes them special. They become preoccupied with the idea that if they just had what X had, they could truly be happy instead of forging happiness for themselves.

Society tells us that in order to be equal we all need the same privileges...  By that logic, using the aim of Ordain Women, we should be giving the priesthood to infants the minute they are born...

The Webster's definition of liberation is "fighting against societal norms"...

Well, then I REJECT the societal norm and by that definition, the aim of Ordain Women is hardly liberation at all. I am, in fact OFFENDED at the thought that I am less because I don't have a priesthood ordination. I don't need to hold the priesthood to be useful or to be equal to anyone.

I celebrate what makes me different from a man.I am a woman. I have some remarkable blessings because I have two X chromosomes that no man could ever possess.

Studies have shown that women have the ability to multitask better than men because of how our brains formed differently, we are more patient, loving, emotional... I EMBRACE those qualities in myself. Following your heart can be more effective than being logical in many cases. I don't need to prove I can be logical...I can be. I have a brain, just as men can be emotional....

What if...and stay with me here...What if we were made differently because we need one another. Because we are supposed to be partners and work together?

What if, by insisting that everyone is the same we are helping Satan to drive us further apart because, by that insistence, we are rejecting our differences and are making it impossible to work together.

I am my husband's equal in every sense of the word, but I am his equal because I am different. Where I am weak he is strong and visa versa. If I spent my days constantly trying to prove myself to make a point, our relationship would never work. He loves me and accepts my faults and weaknesses and I do the same for him. We work together to achieve goals and to make up the difference when one of us is weak and struggling.

The Priesthood is one difference that blesses us.

Let's be honest, if you sit down and think about it, priesthood holders in the church have to work harder than we do as women.  They can't enter the temple without the highest order of the priesthood. As sisters, we have the right to approach our bishop when we feel ready to make temple covenants and start the process to enter without having the priesthood.

In some ways, its God's biggest complement that we don't have the priesthood. Its God's way of saying that he trusts our intuition enough, that he believes we don't need it to strengthen our faith or draw closer to him...lest we forget that if Eve hadn't been smart enough to eat the forbidden fruit, men would still be stuck in limbo waiting for further light and knowledge... she didn't need the priesthood to see that she couldn't complete God's first commandments given in the garden without partaking of the forbidden fruit of the knowledge of good and evil...if you REALLY ponder what that means, it means we were given knowledge BEFORE men because of the actions of an intuitive and emotional woman...how lucky are we?

So why can't we allow there to be differences? The priesthood draws men closer to the spirit by giving them the heavy task to act in the name of God- sometimes at the cost of leaving the comfort of their beds at 2 or 3 in the  morning to administer to the sick and afflicted- to leave their poor wives to sit with little children alone through sacrament as they act as bishopric members- through the priesthood their faithfulness is tested...As women, we don't need that test. Inherently, we are closer to the spirit and Eve proved that when she took the fruit. It has been proven countless times since in the stories of pioneer women who WITHOUT the priesthood were able to use their faith to heal their children and livestock when their husbands were deceased or out with the Mormon Battalion... Our faith can move mountains if we let it, if we truly believe. If you think you need the priesthood to bless the lives of others you are sadly and sorely mistaken.

I will say it again- How sad is it that people are going through this life believing that because they are different, they are less?

My husband may hold the priesthood, but I utilize his priesthood on a regular basis. I am the one who asks him to bless our children because, let's face it, men get so caught up in the big picture as logical thinkers, that they fail to see the little things sometimes. Sometimes they just don't think about it...but by asking him to use his priesthood power, I am helping him to grow closer to the spirit. I am reminding him to watch for the little things, I am reminding him that in the hustle and bustle of every day life he needs to take time out and think of others- to see beyond the tip of his nose.

If I held the priesthood and could just do it myself, I would be denying him that blessing and that lesson. I would be denying him the opportunity to grow closer to the spirit and I would be denying myself the opportunity to be humble enough to admit that I CAN'T do everything all on my own (because, let's face it, as women, we have a tendency to try to do everything ourselves.) In the act of asking, I am forced to remember that its okay to ask for help. Its okay that I can't do everything. Its okay that sometimes I fall short... we are our own worst critics as women from weight, hair styles, appearance, and more importantly in life- we judge ourselves harshly and forget that asking for help is vital to our existence, otherwise we will burn out.

Lest we forget that in order to enter the celestial kingdom, the highest degree of glory, a man and a woman have to have one another. A man cannot make it without his wife just because he had the priesthood and not having the priesthood doesn't exclude faithful women from entry. In fact, faithful members of the church that do not marry in this life are promised that blessing in the next regardless of whether they are a man or a woman. God loves us equally and wants us ALL to return to him and receive celestial glory if we have fought to be worthy of it in this life. The priesthood is only a qualifier for celestial glory for MEN. Another complement from God for us "lowly" women. God has basically told us that as long as we are willing to live righteously, follow the commandments, we will be given what we need to make it and achieve glory in the next life....think of it as God saying "Because you're just THAT awesome."

I can testify of times when my husband was out of town and I wanted desperately to call upon his priesthood power for help with a sick or ailing child or I was sick and ailing...it was in these times I had to rely on my own faith. I prayed and, you know what, God saw my needs. He answered my prayers. I did that- with MY faith. God did that because he saw that I had faith he would make things better. Sometimes my answers came through the kindness of others, sometimes my answers came through deeply personal spiritual experiences that I don't feel I need to expound upon, but the answers to my prayers came. My children received the help the needed, I was given respite in times of illness and affliction.

With or without the priesthood, God will answer my prayers. The priesthood works according to faith. It is the power to act in the name of God- its not the power to BE God on earth-  If I believe I need the priesthood to perform miracles, then I don't have enough faith in my faith.

The men that hold the priesthood will be constrained from acting if it isn't in the will of God.  I think of a scene from one of my favorite books Charly by Jack Weyland. Its based on actual events. At one point, Charly has been diagnosed with cancer. It spreads and gets worse. She asks for a priesthood blessing from her husband Sam. He struggles. He wants to bless her to be healed, but is tongue tied. Eventually, he forces his will and pronounces the blessing of healing...but Charly, in her closeness with the spirit at the time, is all too aware that Sam was not acting in the spirit. She calls him out on it and asks for the blessing she should have received. She received the comfort she sought, and Sam learned a lesson about drawing closer to the spirit and not forcing his will.

It may be the power of God, but it doesn't give men the power to change God's will.

We need to be different. As the above story demonstrates, we need our differences to strengthen one another. In embracing those differences, we WILL defeat Satan, we will allow our faith and testimonies to grow...in fighting to make everyone the same, we allow ourselves to become of the world... we accept the lies society tells us and we fail to embrace the truths that God has placed right in front of us...we begin to deny His will and try to invoke our own as we focus too much on what we don't have. We forget to count our blessings, we become unhappy, and then we end up allowing Satan to bind us in the shackles of sin and vice because we start to wonder if what the world says will make us happy is really the answer. We fail to see our own divinity. We fail to trust that God's will is better than our own. We fail to see that he sees eternity as a whole and we only see slices at a time. We fail to let our faith grow.


In the end, these disciplinary councils are about just that. Two people, working with a small number followers, to try to change the will of God. Two people who fail to see their own divinity. Two people struggling with living in the world and not of it.

They were answered. Church leaders, male and female alike, attempted on numerous occasions to give them comfort and counsel, and they chose not to listen. They chose to continue to insight conflict. They chose to continue to try to impose their own will and act as if they were speaking for the church as a whole. They were deflecting their struggles on each of us in an attempt to try to bring the will of the world and the will of God together.

Sadly, the will of the world is NOT the will of God. I think the state of the world right now can testify of that.

In conclusion, we, as church members, as we question doctrine, ourselves, and church leaders need to remember the cautionary tale of Martin Harris and his desire to show the pages they had completed of the Book of Mormon to his wife.

Martin pressed. Joseph continued to pray and question God's will...Finally, God said, do what you want, but you will deal with the consequences...

In the end, the first 118 pages of the Book of Mormon disappeared. Poor Martin dealt with the guilt and spent years unable to trust his wife, Joseph lost his ability to translate for a time, and the church as a whole lost the ENTIRE book of Lehi...

My husband and I were studying 1 Nephi the other night and he posed the question: I wonder what Lehi saw in his vision...Nephi did a brief synopsis, he doesn't tell us what the great and marvelous things his father saw were... We are missing a HUGE chunk of awesomeness because of a time that men failed and imposed their own will.

In short, any time you try to impose your will over God's it won't end well.

He WILL drag you kicking and screaming from one blessing to the next if he has to...because, God never ceases to bless His children...but will you see the blessings as you kick and scream along the way? Probably not.

It is my humble prayer that this sister and brother are able to see the blessings in their lives. That this time of discipline will help them to gain insight and the humility they need to truly hear the voice of the Lord and receive the personal revelation they need to come to terms with God's will.

It is my prayer that they find their way back and, moreover, can see the divinity in our differences as opposed to focusing on what they don't have. It is my prayer that they will come back with greater understanding of the gospel and WHY God does not change.

I know God loves us. I know he made us different with good reason. I know that I am divine in purpose and have endless worth. I know that I am an equal to every other person on this earth and that I can assert that equality through developing my talents and using them to serve God by serving others. We are ALL special. We are ALL equals in his eyes. It is our differences that make us equal. We all have the same chances for redemption, we all have the same chances to exercise our agency, and we will all be judged equally by our works and our faith.

In conclusion, I will say this about the situation this brother and sister find themselves in: Because we are all equals, there are church disciplinary councils EVERY WEEK in some stake, in some city, in some country. These two individuals are NO DIFFERENT than the other brothers and sisters that have been subject to disciplinary council...the only thing that separates them is they chose to make it public and put "bees in the bonnet" in hopes of swaying more people to support their cause. They will be treated the same as every other person that has faced discipline, they have the same opportunity to speak up and share their side of the story. God is no respecter of persons. He loves us and we are chastised in hopes that we will be able to come to some resolution, be humbled and return as the prodigal son, ready to receive whatever blessings he deems fit for us.

Some blessings come soon, some blessings come late, but they ALWAYS come to those who are faithful and wait patiently for them...even those that have gone astray.

Tender Mercies as it Storms

Taking a quick minute today to reflect on tender mercies...

I am scheduled for an induction on Monday, but my doc hopes I go into labor sooner. He is concerned that the baby may be growing too fast,  but Monday was the earliest the induction could be scheduled...

I am, however, feeling hopeful. After weeks of contractions and finding that my body once again doesn't want to do what its supposed to in order to get the baby here, I am grateful for a doctor with foresight who is willing to look ahead and be cautious.

Of course, as all of this is going on, the girls have to get sick with some weird, random summer cold.

Poor Phillie was miserable yesterday and the day before, but, after being up all night seems like she is feeling better today (in spite of her cough and stuffy nose) as she has returned to her chipper, silly self...

However, poor Faith woke up even sicker than I ever saw Phillie the last few days (being a few days behind catching the bug.)

Am I nervous? YOU BET...am I constantly, silently praying that the girls are better before we bring baby sister home? ABSOLUTELY...

However, in spite of all the things that could be stressing me out and making me nervous, I have seen small tender mercies in today and feel like I need to share them and record them.

Phillie, seeing how sick her big sister is, has been following her around like a shadow. She hands her toys when Faith wants to play, she hands her a sippy when she looks thirsty and has waited patiently for her turn without complaint all day.

I had been concerned in some ways about how Phillie would respond to not being the "baby" anymore...However, today has shown me that her care, compassion,and concern for others has grown leaps and bounds in such a short time. She will be an amazing big sister and I have no doubt that she will show that same kindness to the baby as she sees and understands that baby sister is weaker than her and needs her help and care.

Poor Faith has been super lethargic and has been running a low grade fever all day in spite of being given Tylenol or Ibuprofen...but, she has found comfort in a way that I didn't expect at all, but should have.

This morning she found a picture of Jesus on the top of the entertainment center. My parents were staying with us in anticipation of the arrival of the new baby and it somehow got knocked off our fridge and I placed it there this morning thinking it would go unnoticed.

Faith, has hugged and carried the picture around all day ever since she found it.

Isn't it amazing how intuitive little children are?

Even without being able to verbally communicate, my little girl is able to show me that she understands and knows Him and who He is, and that her knowledge brings her comfort.

I am grateful for tender mercies.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

The Absurdity of Kid Gloves

Last week, we went to Audiology to confirm that Faith has no problems with her hearing so we could move forward in her Autism diagnosis.

The Audiology team we met with at Utah State University was VERY kind and they were great with Faith...they were concerned they would be able to get Faith to do the testing they needed since she doesn't respond when you point at something and try to get her to look...however, after about 15 minutes of the sound field test, she figured it out.

Did it take longer for them to get results than it normally does. Yes. They admitted that...but we got results.

Faith is hearing normally in all fields. They did do a more specific OAE test (its a monitor that they put into their ears via a setup that is reminiscent of earbud headphones. It sends a signal up the cochlear nerve and tests how long it takes to come back, if it comes back at all.) Faith did fail in the upper registers, but she also had a lot of wax in her ears and passed on those registers during the sound field test.

She hears...we knew she could...but its nice to have it confirmed.

I did feel a little awkward as they were delivering the results. They kept looking at me, as if they were waiting for me to cry. They were handling me with kid gloves...

I get that its touchy. You're giving what should be good news- your child can hear. YAY!...but it really is kind of bad news because it means that your child is likely Autistic or suffering from a rare neurological disorder.

I tried to smile politely and show them that I was trying to be positive about these results.

Would I have loved for the therapy team we've been working with to have been wrong and to have found out that a hearing aid or a cochlear implant would solve our problems with some extra speech therapy?

ABSOLUTELY

But I also knew that the likelihood of this would be very, very small given the progress we've made and the fact that I have seen her respond to sounds and knew she could hear them.

I was prepared to hear them tell me she could hear.

Her ears work! What a huge blessing... Now, we move forward to get the rest of our diagnosis, some more answers, and some more help.

Regardless of the results, Faith would have and has remained Faith.  Our Little Diva.

Do I have my moments of grief and despair? Of course, I do.  But I would rather move forward with positivity.  Her ears work. That is one question answered. Now, because we have that question answered we can continue to move forward to get the resources we need to help her grow, develop, and work to become the best version of herself that she can be...which is going to be pretty darn amazing...since she is pretty darn amazing as it is.

We followed up with her pediatrician today...again, he waited for the tears...I was treated with kid gloves.  I guess I should get used to it.

But I refuse to let this process or a diagnosis define our family, define me, or drag me down into a gulf of despair that I can't pull myself out of.

I have full faith that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle without his help.  Will he test my limits? Jeff's? Faith's? Phillie's? The new baby on the way's? YES.  Life is a test. You aren't going to get out of it without a little discomfort...but the moments that change us, that define us, that make us better, are the moments that we turn to him in prayer and ask for understanding, for knowledge, and for the power to make it better...and He will always help us and deliver because he didn't mean for us to go through this life alone. He sent us a Savior, or brother and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, the make the ultimate sacrifice, to suffer ALL things, so we could not only have an example to look to when times get rough, but also so we can turn to him as an advocate as we pray in His name for help.

We will be alright because we are on the Lord's side. We will be alright because we have faith that he will help us bear this burden.

His yoke is easy and his burden is light.

How comforting? Don't you agree?

Could I choose to take an attitude of loneliness, that I am doing this alone, that I have no help, that no one understands? Yes, I can. But I choose not to. I choose the yoke of Jesus. I choose to believe that I have a brother and father in heaven that are looking out for me and my babies and that they will get us through this, one step at a time.

The pediatrician is going to talk to the local developmental psychologist. The local guy is affiliated with my pediatrician's office, but does most of his work up at a clinic at the university that he runs training future developmental psychologists...the problem? That clinic, because it isn't completely run by licensed doctors, is not covered by insurance. They do have a sliding fee scale, and I'm not sure where we fall on that, but in talking to a friend that didn't qualify for any of the monetary assistance up there, I know that, without help from the sliding fee scale, or insurance, we are looking at $2500 to do the testing up there. Unfortunately, we cannot afford that kind of money. I made this clear to my pediatrician. They are going to ask the local guy if he would be willing to do all or part of the testing at the office instead of the clinic so that insurance could cover most of it. We will see how he responds. If he says he will only do the work at the clinic, we will gt a referral to Primary Children's Hospital and see a specialist there.

One way or another, we will see someone, we will get answers, and we will move forward.

In other news:

Had my 16 week appointment (at 17 weeks) We don't get to find out the gender of the gummy bear until the day before Valentine's Day...sheer TORTURE for me... since we're in the midst of closing on the house, and I have NO little baby stuff ( I sold it all before the move to Wyoming since we wouldn't have a place to store it and I didn't know when we would need it again) I am a little concerned about being able to afford everything we will need for the new baby. Daily, I make mental lists and note how much the items will cost... Car seats have REALLY gone up in price since we bought our first one in 2011...HOLY COW! I've had some people suggest buying a used one, but I refuse to buy a used car seat. The American Academy of Pediatrics warns how unsafe it is. The plastic bends and deteriorates over time. You don't know what kind of drivers the previous owners have been, and they can tell you that it was never in an accident, when in reality it was in a "little" rear end collision that they didn't think was notable (as an example.)  I choose safety... even if safety is going to cost us $150 or more *gulp*

I do plan on utilizing yard sales and consignment stores to buy clothing items, so I know in that way, I will save.

We also either need to buy another toddler bed to move Phillie into or another crib so the new baby will have a place to sleep...we will cross that bridge when the time comes. Fortunately, we still have our pack and play with the bassinet and newborn napper attachment that we scored at a yard sale before we had Phillie and the baby can sleep in that for a while, but I always prefer to move them into a crib (since its sturdier) once they're no longer in the room with me (Jeff usually moves them into their own room around 2-3 months because he's spent 2-3 months with a wife who hasn't slept a wink since every little noise wakes her up...LOL...he says he does it for my sanity, but I think he does it for his best interests as well...)

We will also need a new baby monitor. I am currently trying to decide if its worth the extra money to get the video monitor...I definitely know I want a digital one this time since there is less chance of interference and static...and I know that will set us back $50-90 depending on the brand we buy (unless I can find a used one...)

All in all...things are going well with the pregnancy. The diabetes still sucks. I still hate giving myself shots at night, and I REALLY hate that I feel like I have to make 2-3 separate meals most of the time because I can't have what everyone wants.  I will admit that we're probably eating out more than we should, but that has more to do with the fact that I'm exhausted at the end of the day and REALLY not in the mood to cook 2 different meals or 1 meal with a separate option for sides for myself... but I'm getting better at it, and being back in the meal planning game has helped a lot.

I'm smaller this pregnancy than I've been with either of my other pregnancies by this near halfway mark... its fun sometimes because I think of how much less weight I will have to lose after I have the baby...but other times it stinks bigtime because I feel like I don't look pregnant, I just look fat...but I push those thoughts away as soon as I have them. This mamma ain't got no time for negativity.

I got into a fight with our ottoman on Saturday night about 2 minutes after Jeff got home. We thought my toe or my foot was broken, but I waited to go in until Sunday morning when things still weren't better. The doc at the instacare was shocked to see on the x-rays that it wasn't broken. He said its probably just a REALLY bad sprain. They gave me a boot to wear when I have to go outside the house for long periods of time or when I have to be up and about for a long period, to stabilize my foot so I can walk... long story short- Ottoman 1...Brittany 0...I get to spend the next 2-3 weeks limping around in my boot until things feel better. YAY... Oh well, at least its not broken, right? Less time in the boot and I will (hopefully) be back on my feet sooner than I would have if it had been broken.

Jeff is still loving his job. He travels frequently (which is hard for me, but we get paid very well for him to do it, which makes it easier to meet our goals to pay off debt faster or to have some money to spare for savings.) He has a bitter, nasty cold right now. The poor guy really wanted to stay home today...and he does have PTO time saved up, so he could have, but he is being so awesome and being a trooper so that we can have the PTO time for after the baby gets here, or in case we need to take it to take Faith to Salt Lake for testing.

We are currently trying to plan our Valentine's Day. We are debating getting a hotel and going out of town, but I have NO CLUE who we will leave the kids with when we do it...I'm thinking we may need to plan it for after Valentine's Day so we don't intrude upon one of our sibling's festivities so we can get away. If we make it out- Expect a post! LOL  Jeff and I never had a honeymoon, we thought it would be best to save the money, so we are looking forward to the idea of a weekend away with just the two of us.

Phillie is ADORABLE...as usual...no surprise there. The Divine Cupcake has perfect chubby, cherub cheeks that I can't help but want to kiss as much as possible.  She is talking up a storm.  Not sure if I already told this story here or not, but the other day, I was sitting on the couch, exhausted and tired. My eyes were closed...the little stinker pulled herself up on the couch, plopped herself into my lap and grabbed my cheeks. I looked up into her hazel/blue eyes and she said, "How you doin'?"  I said, "I'm doing fine, my love, how are you?" She sighed and looked up like she was mimicking her tired mamma and said, "I good"...and then proceeded to give me tons of kisses and loves.

Yesterday, we were getting in the car to go home after going to the store to pick up a few things. I buckled her in and she smiled at me and grabbed my cheeks and said, "I yove you (I love you)" and gave me a big kiss. I smiled and said I love you back and kissed her back...but she kept holding onto my cheeks...and she said it again, "Yove you" and gave me a kiss...I said it back and squeezed her...but she still didn't let go...she did this 4 times...I guess she REALLY wanted to get the point across that she loved me...and I was SO tired...I definitely needed to hear it. I love how she always seems to say what I need to hear.  She talks so randomly, and never when you ask her to say anything...but when she does talk, she definitely makes it worth hearing.

She was NOT happy at the doctor's office today. She wanted to go out in the waiting room and play with the other kids...sorry poppet, not an option without someone to watch you. She screamed for the first 10 minutes we were in the room. Bless our pediatrician's nurse. She was so patient and kind about it all.  I finally calmed her down with a fruit roll up that I'd left in the diaper bag after church on Sunday.  Needless to say, 1 flu shot later (she got her flu shot booster today while sissy was getting her vaccinations updated), she was out like a light in the car as we went to go get daddy for lunch....and now she won't go down for her nap...I hear her screaming "Yay" and "Wee!" from her bedroom as I'm typing this and wonder if I should go in to check on them and stop whatever it is they're doing...however, I also know that i put all the toys in the closet, so chances are, Faith has once again turned Phillie's bed into a trampoline with guard rails to hold onto and Phillie is enjoying being bounced up and down over and over again as Faith jumps, completely unaware that she is actually playing with her sister.

Faith had 2 shots and was a trooper as well. They EARNED those french fries we got with lunch...LOL
(Hi, my name is Brittany and I feed my kids cholesterol filled, fattening foods...and I really don't care what people think about it. ha ha. If it makes those of you that are completely disgusted feel any better, I will be sure to give them some fruit with dinner...it all evens out, right?)

Lunch was short today...too short. But it was nice to see Jeff and enjoy some time with my hunky man. He really is the sexiest man alive...I should notify People magazine that they were WAY off last year when they picked whoever they picked (I think it was Adam Lavigne from Maroon 5... I don't really pay too much attention, since I know they're always going to be wrong.) My favorite look of his is the smile he gets on his face when he is completely amused by something the kids are doing...that smile would sell dirt on the bottom of some designer shoes... seriously, model potential.

Anywhoo, darlings. Onward and upward. Life continues to move forward. No sense in stopping to wallow in the hard stuff because it just makes it take longer to get through.

Stay positive, stay prayerful, and know that I love you, wherever you are, whoever you are, for actually caring about my random life stories (and maybe you just love my meal plans and deal with the random stories in between...but thanks for that too.) Thank you for your prayers and warm thoughts. They have been felt.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

Thoughts on Motherhood and Being a Daughter of Heavenly Parents

I love this girl....

Its hard to believe that she is on the verge of 10 months old. She is getting big so fast. I think that her rapid growth is made even more apparent because I have this girl not so far ahead of her.

I think having 2 babies under the age of 2 really has a way of highlighting just how fast this life really moves.

I have been so grateful for the chance to watch them grow and meet different milestones.

I am so grateful for Phillie, who has met so many milestones early and in a roundabout way, has helped her sister. Phillie's early speech abilities were one of the things that finally got people to agree with me when I said that I just felt like something wasn't right with Faith.

Slowly, but surely, I have been blessed to watch how the love of a sister/best friend for life can transform a person.  Through watching Phillie, Faith has made some HUGE strides recently. She still doesn't say mamma or daddy, but she has learned how to say "uh oh" and, through watching Phillie's ability to be able to get down from her high chair by saying "I'm done,"  Faith has started saying "Dah" (done) and giving the hand gesture that I have been trying for MONTHS to teach her to do.  I know that she learned it from Phillie, because the first time she did it was right after Phillie did it and I was in the middle of taking Phillie down from her high chair. Faith shouted "Dah", did the hand sign, stood up in her high chair, and tried to crawl down all by herself (almost giving me a heart attack as an almost 4 foot drop wouldn't have been pleasant for either of us....we've since learned that we say we're done and WAIT for mamma)

I've also watched Faith in this last week or two spending more time in our world as opposed to "her world"...the place where she doesn't make eye contact with us, doesn't want attention, just wants to be left alone to do her own thing...

We stayed in Idaho Falls with my sister for about half a week and that helped a lot. Faith has started trying to participate when we watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVDs. She doesn't say the words, but she will chirp out different vowel sounds. For example, Mickey will say, "Let's count ___________" and proceed to count something. Faith will, right on cue, chirp out "uh, uh, uh" as many times as there are numbers to count. This is also encouraged because Phillie has started to participate with the shows as well. This morning I was gobsmacked when Mickey asked "Do you wanna come to my clubhouse?" and Phillie excitedly shouted "OKAY!"  and then she tried to say "Meeska Mooska Mickey Mouse!" (the magic words to make the clubhouse appear.  Faith giggled the whole time and then tried to get Phillie to count with her when they were counting the muffins that Minnie had made...

It has been so fun to watch as Faith comes out of her shell more and more to spend time with and enjoy her baby sister. I find them doing this a lot lately:

(Of course, they had to turn to look at me taking the picture, but they were happily playing with their wooden block, maze toy thingie...best Christmas present we could have gotten them last year, that is for sure. They LOVE it.)

Faith has also been starting to open up with me a little more as we've been pushing a little bit to get her to to pay attention to the fact that we are in the room with her. I have spent a lot of time on the floor over the last month trying to interact with her and teach her things. I think it may be starting to pay off.

On Friday, as I carried her down the stairs after her morning nap I gave her a kiss. She was looking away from me, off in her own little world. I patted her back and said ,"Hey Faith, I love you. Do you love me?" She never made eye contact once, but she also didn't skip a beat. She leaned in and gave me her first "real" kiss...not one of those ones where her mouth was wide open, but one where she actually puckered her lips and kissed...but as fast as the moment came it was gone. However, I was so grateful for the moment...a moment where I was able to see that she does understand some of what I'm saying to her. It melted my heart, and for the rest of the day I cherished every fleeting moment where she would look up at me and smile, or even just come to sit in my lap while she did her own thing.

Today I have been thinking a lot about our Heavenly Mother...we know that we have one. I have to wonder how often I make her feel like I feel when I'm trying to take care of Faith. How often am I not relying on her and Heavenly Father? How often do I forget them and that they love me and want to talk to me? How often do I stay in my own little world, not realizing or thinking about them there, waiting for me to tell them what I need?

I thought of how I have been handling the hard times with Faith...I know that she is learning. She is just slower than other kids to recognize certain social signals and she does try to communicate, but sometimes she is so frustrated that she is just crying and crying and doesn't remember what she wanted in the first place.  Its at those times that I just pull her in, give her hugs and kisses and try my best to calm the storm.

I think our Heavenly Parents are like us...that's the reason we get the blessing of being parents in this life...so we can understand our calling for the next life.

They remember that we're learning and growing, and hope that we will learn to come to them before we're so frustrated or lost that we don't know where we first needed assistance...

Maybe parenting is a lesson to learn to be more patient with ourselves? Maybe we are blessed with family units here so that we can become more aware of our relationship to God and Heavenly Mother?

I know that as I've thought about it today, I can think of times even in the last week that I should have gone to my Heavenly Parents to communicate and ask for help sooner...and I can think of times that I went to them right away and I was blessed with what I needed...

I hope and pray to be as wonderful a mother to my children as my Heavenly Mother is to me. I'm sure she is there, conversing with Heavenly Father, making sure that we get the love and comfort we need.

A friend of mine once said that maybe the comforting presence of the Holy Ghost is our Heavenly Mother whispering in our ears...

I'm not sure if that is the case, its definitely not scripture, (especially because we know that the Holy Ghost truly is a personage of spirit...)  but it is a nice thought. Its nice to think of our Heavenly Mother bringing us a sense of peace and comfort, as sure as our earthly mother's arms surrounding us in a big hug.

All I know is this: If the smile of me and her other children brings my Heavenly Mother as much joy as the smiles of my girls bring me... I should be making more of an effort to bring those smiles to pass...to bring the comfort and peace and joy to others that our Heavenly Mother cannot physically bring on her own right now as we are in this mortal existence.

I also know that I need to be more patient with myself...as surely as I know my sweet babies are a work in progress and that they are learning all they can, as fast as they can, I can be gentle with myself and remember that I too am a work in progress... if we were supposed to be absolutely perfect in this life, then we wouldn't have needed a Savior.

I am slowly but surely learning how the Atonement truly works as I parent my children...maybe one day, I will have it a little better figured out...

All I can say is that, as I have thought about myself as a daughter of our Heavenly Father and Mother and contemplated how I'm doing...I know that I still have a lot of work to do...but isn't it nice that there is time.

Yes- its fast...too fast...the rapid growth of my two babies only marks that fact even more...but if they have time to learn how to walk, talk, how to read social cues, how to tell right from wrong, and commune with their Savior and Father in Heaven, then I certainly still have enough time to get better at the last few things and try to master them before my time on this earth is done. If they can do hard things like learning how to walk and talk, I can do something like learn how to make my prayers more meaningful and how to forge a relationship with my Heavenly Father...

Something to think about...

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings...

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad ...Easter???

I know what you're thinking from the title...

How could anyone have a bad day on EASTER?

Well, I succeeded...Go me..

I woke up to Phillie screaming in the next room at 7 AM...Jeff was laying awake next to me and I tried to use my super powers to will him to go into the room and grab her and check on her.

Everything ached.

The last two weeks, we've been dealing with an AWESOME stomach bug (note the sarcasm) and I have been on the tail end of it. I had passed out on Monday night last week while making Phillie a bottle and ever since then, I just hadn't felt right.

Add to that the fact that I still had to take care of a sick husband, sick kids, get easter stuff...let's just say I was pooped, and then, to make things even more awesome, I had a wedding to shoot on Saturday...I was still feeling dizzy and gross, but I plastered on my happy face and spent 6 hours taking pictures, up on my feet...

We also discovered while I was sick that my birth control pills were actually making me sicker, so we have decided to go back to Natural Family Planning for my health and sanity...so I have been on an emotional rollercoaster while the synthetic hormones make their way out of my system.

So, the Easter Sunday Brittany was already waking up pretty cranky.

I had agreed to play the piano for the primary while their usual accompanist was on vacation. At the time, it wasn't a big deal, but this morning it seemed like a HUGE deal.

The one bright spot I had- my beautiful, yellow Easter dress. I have been wanting a dress like this for a while...fit and flare, yellow eyelit lace...super cute...and Jeff finally let me buy it because it was on sale at Old Navy. It fit perfectly in the fitting room, and I took it and another jersey fabric dress home the day that we bought it. It had taken EVERY ounce of self control I had not to wear it immediately. I love dresses. I feel more comfortable and at home in a dress than I ever do in pants... and since I've been pregnant for the last two years, I had to give away all my favorites knowing I'd probably never fit into them again and I FINALLY had a new one that fit...

Well...I tried to start getting ready, but the girls just weren't having it. I knew I would have to hope and pray that I would have enough time to get myself ready when the girls went for their nap at 9:30 and then I would rush to get them ready in 15 minutes before we headed out the door.

At this point, I knew that we would be late if this ended up being the plan, but I also knew that Jeff still wasn't feeling well, so I thought it would be best to let him lay up in bed (even though that is where I wanted to be too...) so I could have lots of help when we had to rush.

Well, I got ready and realized I was late getting the girls up from their nap. I rushed in to beg Jeff for help. He apologized saying he didn't realize how late it was. He rushed and took a shower and bathed the girls, I got them dressed and then went to get myself dressed.

The zipper seemed a little rougher to deal with than it had at the store, but I got it zipped up...I then thought that maybe I'd like it better if I wore a white shirt under it instead of a cardigan over it (it is a sleeveless dress, and because of modesty issues and my temple garment, I have to wear it with something over or under it). Well, Jeff helped me unzip it and I tried, as carefully as possible to get the white shirt on without messing up my hair...well I succeeded in that, but ran a HUGE makeup smear on the collar...Jeff had already zipped me up when I noticed it...so he unzipped me, he struggled with the zipper too, and I took off the shirt carefully and went to zip the dress back up..

I know I should have called for Jeff's help, but we were already running late and I KNEW church would be packed since there are a lot of empty nesters in our ward with kids and grandkids that would probably be coming home for Easter and I DID NOT want to sit in overflow because Faith would be impossible to control without a pew.

Well, I get the zipper halfway up and it gets stuck...I tug on it and RIP...the zipper breaks...I carefully try to pull the zipper down to see if I can salvage it and then one whole side comes out...I break down...I just can't...I am achy, tired, dizzy and the ONE bright thing I had was knowing I was going to look super cute in my coordinating Easter clothes with my kids...I reached for my OTHER jersey dress...I'd worn it the week before and the day before to my photo shoot. It was covered in stains and splotches from dealing with kids, but it was my only option because I have no other springy dresses. The tears start flowing, I can't stop them and I stomp down the stairs to try to throw the diaper bag together.

Jeff notices my tears, I tell him what happened and the dreaded words escape my lips, "I'm just sick of being too fat to fit in anything cute."....Now, I know this is a fallacy. I am only 15 pounds from my goal weight and I am fitting into sizes that I wore through most of my graduate studies. I know I don't look horrible, but a popped zipper coupled with feeling icky and the loss of my beloved yellow dress before I even had a chance to look cute in it was just too much ( I know, it seems so shallow, but it was more than I could take.) My hormonal rollercoaster was RAGING...

I hurried and grabbed shoes, Jeff grabbed the girls and the diaper bag and we made our way out the door...we got to church and my fears were confirmed. Even the usual overflow was full and we ended up sitting in the gym. When we got there they hadn't even opened up the curtains that separated the gym from the overflow yet because they were still setting up chairs...

As I feared...Faith was impossible to control. She stomped around the gym and made noise because it echoed (its a gym...) We finally grabbed the diaper bag after sacrament had been passed and made our way out to the foyer to sit.

Well, Faith was a ball of energy and I just couldn't keep up. Thank heavens for Jeff, who chased her away from stairs and out of open classrooms...

I made it through primary...and all the while I was festering over the stupid dress...I wish I could explain why. Its so dumb...and I felt so guilty for being so upset over it...which only compounded things because now I was feeling mad about the dress AND mad at myself for being mad about the dress...

We got home and Jeff went upstairs with the girls and I sat in the kitchen and ugly cried for about 20 minutes...I then started stressing over my anger, so I started cleaning...(when I'm super stressed, I clean).  Jeff came down and decided to make some late lunch...with the potatoes I had been planning on using for dinner. I let that one slide, there wouldn't have been enough anyway...so I changed plans and put some chicken on to marinade in homemade teriyaki sauce. Jeff was getting frustrated with me and I kept crying and apologizing...

In an attempt to lift my spirits we went for a ride. I worked for the most part...I still felt grumpy but I wasn't fixated on the stupid dress anymore. We looked at a house and debated over if it would be worth the investment when we could see through the window that there was probably $20k worth of renovations that needed to happen to make it livable...and then we went to the park.

For a moment, I forgot my grumpiness. We laughed as Faith oohed and ahhed over the kite we'd gotten her as a present as Jeff flew it...and for a few moments I got to sit alone with Phillie while Jeff tried to help Faith fly the kite...I snuggled with her and played with her, making her laugh and smile and blew bubbles for her out of the bubble kit the Easter Bunny had brought her.

However, when we made our way home, and my physical and emotional exhaustion just overwhelmed me, I looked at the clock and I was bummed once again. It was almost 6 PM...if I tried to make dinner now, we wouldn't be eating until almost 8...and Faith and Phillie go to bed at 6:30/7... I started to get angry as I opened a can of raviolis to feed Faith...SO NOT the Easter dinner I was planning...

I fumed over how frustrated I was that we were once again eating processed junk on a day that processed junk should not even be an option...Jeff  tried to be supportive and understanding, but I knew he'd had it. Finally, the girls were in bed and I was fighting with the dishwasher to wash dishes and swore at it...and he told me to go upstairs...I saw his clenched jaw and felt SO GUILTY that I had not only ruined my day with my bad attitude, but his also.

I cried and apologized and he sat looking at me with a clenched jaw.  He simply said, "You need to calm down." I cried more and apologized more, hoping for a glimmer of body language that showed that he forgave me, but he sat there stern and frustrated. I sheepishly went upstairs...

He brought me up some dinner and we talked. I felt so bad that he'd had to put up with me all day.

We snuggled up and I tried to let the day roll off of me. I got out the Easter pictures we'd taken before we went to the park and tried to focus on the good things that had happened.

All in all, I know it was a bad day because I let my attitude make it so. It could have been an awesome, quirky Easter. I could have laughed off the zipper breaking on the dress and could have let myself see that it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things...I could have laughed about our awesomely healthy Easter dinner of ravioli and Hamburger Helper...but I didn't...I let myself get so caught up in what I had WANTED the day to be, that I let myself lose sight of what the day is.

As I snuggled with Jeff, I thought of 2 things. First, the lesson from Primary...we had talked about being in Peter's shoes as he denied the Christ 3 times during the events that led up to Christ's death and resurrection, the littlest children were shocked and even GASPED when they learned this fact. They all said they wouldn't want to be in Peter's shoes as he denied Christ, that they would never do such a thing... Sadly, I was TOTALLY a denying Peter yesterday.  I let my pursuit of this picturesque Easter that I had planned out in my head come before the real purpose of it- remembering Christ, His sacrifice, and what it means in my life. My attitude made me forget the most important day of the year, as far as I'm concerned, the day that we recognize Christ's struggles for US, the day that we celebrate His love for us, His redeeming grace, that He lives again, and that He will return to us again someday to rule and reign.

Because of Christ's suffering and Atonement, I can be forgiven for my horrible attitude yesterday. Yes, he even suffered for that...and that makes me feel even worse.

But, that brings me to my next thought I had...a quote from our beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson, "Courage can simply be a small voice that says, 'I will try again tomorrow'."

So, I choose to be courageous and repent. I vow to never again let a terrible, horrible, no good very bad Easter happen. I choose to spend today thinking of the wonderful gifts that the Savior gave me with his sacrifice. I choose to focus on the good, funny, and cute things that happened yesterday- things that I didn't see in the moment because I was so caught up in the fact that nothing was going my way...and more importantly, I choose to focus on my wonderful husband and family and their ability to forgive a cranky mom for her outbursts and temper tantrums when she isn't her best self.

Christ lives, He loves us- He loves me! He loves YOU..and nothing you can do will change that. I may not have been perfect yesterday, but Christ doesn't say be perfect and then come to me. He says Come to me and be perfected. So, I continue my journey to him. I trip and tumble some places along my path, but he is always there to catch me and remind me of what really matters... I am a child of God. Jesus is the best older brother EVER...a brother who loved me so much that he gave his life so that I could repent, and live with God again...what an amazing and brave gift. A gift that he gives freely to everyone, whether they want it or not...

Be patient with me everyone, I'm a work in progress. God is constantly constructing and deconstructing to make me the best me that I can be...the me that I was meant to be. Some days I am better at rolling with the punches than others... yesterday was NOT my best day, but I will be better in the future, and it is a knowledge that a better me exists that keeps me moving forward.


Hugs and Loves until next time.

Faith in Every Footstep

Well...

After a very, VERY hectic New Years and crazy Christmas, my husband and I were forced to make some slightly scary decisions for our little family.

We had a flood in our apartment...thankfully, we have renter's insurance that will cover most of the damages (the jury is still out on how much because we've been told 3 different things by 3 different agents. One said NOTHING would be covered, one said ALL would be covered, and one said that only the damage to the townhouse below us would be covered.... we are just going to let people make claims and let the chips fall where they may. So far, we know that the damages to the townhouse below us were covered.) and after the flood, came the flood...

Our neighborhood, while being a gated community, has progressively been getting a little scarier. Lots of youngsters have moved in (I sound so old right now...youngsters as in single people in their early 20s) and they drive through the neighborhoods of our little gated community like bats out of hell! Well, one of them finally did something REALLY stupid and they rammed their car into the building across the street from us. Looking at the skid marks, if they had turned the wheel the other way, it would have been us having to pack to leave our apartment at 4:30 in the morning because our building wasn't structurally safe to be in instead of our neighbors...after that, we made the tough decision to find a new apartment. We've had issues with the property management company since a few months since we moved in and have had issues getting maintenance done when we've needed it...so we decided it was time...

Well, once we put in our 30 day notice, on a whim, or maybe following some inspiration, Jeff started applying for jobs back "home".  Our Christmas visit had broken our hearts. Poor Faith, who RARELY does the stranger danger thing, was in tears every time an aunt, uncle, cousin, or grandparent tried to pick her up. Phillie, being smaller, wasn't as affected, but it definitely got us thinking about the fact that our girls are growing up and they don't know their family... as we drove home to try to fix what we could of the flood situation, we talked about our desire to move back (so maybe that is what drove Jeff to apply for other jobs...)

Well, Jeff found several jobs and applied for them. He's had interviews for two of those jobs that he has applied for so far. One in Logan, UT (close to where he grew up in Preston, ID) and one in Idaho Falls, ID (where I grew up...well, for the most part...we moved a lot.) The company in Logan immediately wanted him to come in for an in person interview, but it wasn't working to schedule it since it is a new year and Jeff doesn't have any time off built up...We were serious enough about him wanting the job, though, that we were willing for him to miss out on a day of pay to do the interview...however, I felt prompted to tell Jeff to ask if they would be willing to do a Skype interview instead...and lo and behold, they were willing to do so because he was so qualified for the position.

The phone interview with the company in Idaho Falls went so well that they told him point blank that he was the most qualified candidate they had interviewed and that they were willing to wait until we moved back at the end of the month for him to come in for an in person interview (in essence, they were saying it was his, but he needed to have the in person interview for personnel reasons).  After that interview, our decision was made...

We'd been going back and forth...should we just find a new apartment and keep waiting for Jeff to get his clearance...living in a city we hate (We love the people, we just don't like the "big city"...we miss our mountains, forests and "country areas" with vast acreages of farms), or should we bite the bullet and move back, job or no?

Hearing from two companies that he was highly qualified and desirable for the positions he was applying for kind of cinched it for us....Jeff immediately went to see how many more open positions there were for someone with his degree and training and there were several more that he hadn't applied for yet. We decided that, barring Jeff getting his clearance before he puts in his 2 week notice, which would mean he could actually WORK as opposed to sit in a warehouse all day doing nothing(which is highly unlikely since his case number isn't even up for review yet) we would have some faith and move back, because we know in the long run that this is what will be best for our family. We want to be close to our family, we want our girls to know the people that love them and we definitely don't want a repeat of this Christmas next year with Phillie (because everyone deserves the warmth that a Phillie smile brings into their lives...) We are going to have faith that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and that he will help us find the right job and be able to provide for our family.

It may sound pretty dumb that we'd be willing to leave a job that pays $52,000 a year and has amazing benefits...but we've learned that you can't put a price on having family close by...

Since we've made that decision, things have seemed to start to fall into place to make the move easier.  Jeff's Skype interview yesterday went very, very well! It ended with them checking that Jeff was alright with the pay and benefits package they had to offer and today they emailed and asked for his references because in their own words they "feel very good" about yesterday's interview...So, hopefully, God is going to be good to us and we won't have to move back with no job in place.

To those of you that have been praying for my little family as we've been making this decision and as we've been struggling all I can do is say thank you. We have felt your prayers, and I know they have worked. I feel presumptuous to ask you to continue your prayers on our behalf, but we're not out of the woods yet...and we're still trying to figure out a budget that will work given what Jeff would be making at this new job, but we are going to have faith because we know this is what our little family needs.

Its a scary thing to let go and let God take care of things, but it is a beautiful experience to see his blessings in your life as you move forward...even when the decision you make is the scariest choice you could make...

Hugs and loves until next time darlings...

Grief

Grief is an interesting emotion...I don't know if you can really call it an "emotion" because the reality is that it is several emotions rolled into a giant ball.  Like a bouncy ball losing air, the emotions seem to dissipate little by little, but, like a deflated bouncy ball, it stays in your heart, never really going away.

My experience with real grief came much earlier than some peoples' experiences...earlier than a lot of my friends.

When I was twelve I had the horrifying and heart wrenching experience of literally watching my father die.  Its not something I like to dwell on or talk about, but it definitely always makes the end of October difficult.

I wasn't as vocal about my grief as some of my siblings were, I dealt with it in my own way.  I internalized it, and kind of became a zombie in my own life. I let the grief choke me, consume me.  It wasn't until I was 18 that I was able to let go of my anger. Most people that knew me before that time probably wouldn't have called me an angry person, they wouldn't have even known...it was deep, it was like a festering wound on my heart that wouldn't go away...How did I let it go?  Someone was able to see through my facade. A loving Heavenly Father...even though my anger was directed towards him.  I couldn't see why He would do that to me, to my family...He was always there, just waiting for the time to come when my grief ball would be deflated enough for me to notice it.

Since then, my grief ball has been sitting on my heart. Some experiences inflate it again a little bit...high school and college graduations, my wedding, the births of my children...it inflates as I wish and wonder what it would have been like to have my dad here to celebrate with us. However, it usually deflates as fast as it inflates. My wedding is a perfect example. The whole morning everyone thought that I was just really stressed out, and in some ways I was...we had an unexpected blizzard, so my plans for taking outdoor pictures at the temple were almost completely thwarted (thank heavens for my awesome bridesmaids, groomsmen, husband, and photographer who were willing to brave the snow anyway)...but it was much deeper than that. I missed my dad. I wanted him there. I wanted him to crack a joke about the blizzard and how it meant good luck or something ominous...I needed him and he wasn't there...

But, once I was in the temple, kneeling at the alter and being sealed for time and all eternity to the most wonderful husband on the planet, my heart was healed and my grief ball deflated when I could feel my dad there. There were a few empty seats on the front row, one right across from me, and I KNEW he was sitting there. I KNEW he was watching and that he loved me and was so, so happy for me...

Moments like this make the grief ball move to the size of a speck, and then it stays as a small speck for 362 days of the year...October 28 is the day that it seems like there is an air pump connected to my grief ball. October 28, my dad's birthday...and then the nightmares come...reliving those terrifying moments from my childhood doesn't exactly make for a decent night's sleep. October 30 is usually the worst...the actual anniversary of his death...which always makes me all the more determined to have an awesome Halloween..I need to celebrate and allow myself to stop focusing on my grief ball to give it some time and reasons to deflate again to speck status.

I always think I'm prepared. In fact, I try to schedule things for that day so that I am so busy that I will forget to recognize what day it is... the last 2 years I succeeded...in 2010, I was getting married and completely wrapped up in wedding plans, last year I had become a mother for the first time and was so sleep deprived that I slept through  most of the 28th, 29th and 30th and didn't have one nightmare... So, I was tricked into believing that maybe that part of my grief was over...

It was frustrating to realize I was wrong.

However, God is good. He knows what we need. He blessed me with the BEST husband on the planet (I think I mentioned that earlier, and maybe about a half a million times since I've married him).  Even when I think I'm hiding my grief well, he recognizes that something is off. He takes me into his arms, and reminds me that I am so, so loved, and so, so lucky...and all those thoughts and wishes that my dad could be here to see the holiday season with me and my sweet little family start to melt away.

Maybe someday, those nightmares will turn into sweet dreams where I can see him with us.  That is my prayer...because I know he wouldn't want me to have nightmares about the night he died anymore. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad.

He is in Heaven, he is doing the work of the Lord. He is with me when I need him, because, if watching Jeff with our sweet little girls has taught me anything, its taught me that a real daddy is always there when you need him.

I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple, and the restored priesthood that makes them possible. I am so grateful to know that I am a part of my dad's eternal family and that I will see him again, be with him again, laugh with him again, and be able to talk and joke with him again.  I am so grateful for a loving Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave His life so that we will be able to conquer death. I am grateful for the gospel and the peace I have found because of its plain and simple truths.

For those of you suffering in silence, internalizing your little grief balls (of varying sizes), I say, do not lose hope. You can't lose hope. It does get better...and while some of your pain will linger, it will lessen with time. Don't forget that you are loved. You are not being punished, you are not forgotten.  God is there and he will heal you when you are ready to let him in.

Know that there is life after this life. Know that we will all be resurrected with perfect bodies and, through the power of God, the restored priesthood, it is possible for us to live with and be with our lost loved ones again. God is a god of love, he would not, and could not part us for eternity.

Have faith, have hope, and know that you are loved.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

While you were sleeping

Its 8:00 PM and my house is silent. I'm sitting here wishing I could sleep, completely drained and exhausted, but I have no such luck...

The cupcake in my belly is being very indecisive. One hour she wants to come and for the next 2 the constant, steady contractions go away...

In between periods of pain, I take a moment to drink in the pleasure around me.

I look at my sweet, loving husband. So dedicated, strong, smart, loving and amazing...he too is exhausted...every time I get out of bed to walk around to alleviate pain or to use the restroom, he stirs.  He doesn't say it, but I know he is on edge...its in his nature to be at the ready, waiting for when he's needed...its such a blessing. His handsome features are casting perfect shadows in the darkness next to me, and I am completely at peace knowing he is there. I am so blessed...

I make the trip across our townhouse to the other bedroom and check on my Little Diva...she is usually asleep with her little bum up in the air, her face buried in her comforter. I pull it gently from underneath her to make sure she is able to breathe and find her pacifier. I rest it next to her head so she can find it easily if and when she wakes up.  Its frustrating, but she still isn't sleeping through the night. I've tried everything, but to no avail.

We will have a few nights here and there where I miraculously get a full night's rest, but for the most part I hear her cries and end up relenting after about 10 or 15 minutes, and give her a bottle to get her back down...after attempting for a week to let her cry it out, I've just figured out that I get more sleep if I give her a bottle when I know she won't go back down on her own...there are those precious nights where I get lucky, she will find her pacifier next to her head where I left it, and lull herself back to sleep again...so I listen and wait...hoping that if I have a late night full of contractions she will surprise me and slumber peacefully.

However, as I pull the comforter out from underneath of her head, I always look down and marvel at her, and remind myself how lucky I am that she is mine.Once upon a time, she was only a dream...an unattainable dream...so was Jeff...and here I am in such a short time getting everything I had prayed for and more.

We may not have a lot of money in the bank, we may not be able to take fancy trips, and we may not be able to buy all the gadgets and gizmos that everyone says we must have...but we have each other...there is a "we"...Its crazy to think that 2 years ago when I was meeting Jeff for the first time I was convinced that it was always just going to be "me"...that I would have to find other ways to make my life fulfilled and happy because marriage and babies just weren't in the cards...Heavenly Father must have been laughing so hard.

The contractions are back...not super strong, I'm not even sure that they're steady, I'm not really timing them...for now my unattainable dream is waiting for Faith's best friend to arrive...thinking that its going to take a miracle and medical intervention to finally bring her here...but, she's coming...she will be a part of the "we"...she will be another perfect little creature to marvel at in the still of the night, another testament of not only my sweet husband's love and devotion, but the love of a wonderful Father in Heaven.

Life gets hard...I've experienced my share of bumpy roads, but if I can testify to anything its this truth:  God will always bless us. He loves us.  We may not get what we want right away, but if we are patient in our trials and wait for him to reveal our course, in due time we will see brilliant light...our lives will be illuminated.

Try not to be bogged down by what you don't have, you will fail to see the amazing things He is giving you as you read this.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

When it rains it pours...

I always start to worry a bit when things are getting too perfect...I wonder when the rain will start...

A few weeks ago, I got a surprise phone call from my husband. I excitedly answered the phone in my "sexy voice" to mark the special occasion, it turns out he was calling with bad news.

For some reason his security clearance was denied (we still don't know why and neither does the company he works for.) Now it has to go through a secondary appeals process that can take anywhere from 2 months to 2 years (or longer)...

This is scary for 2 reasons:  If it doesn't go through one of two things will happen he could be reassigned to a non-secured site (if there is room- Jeff isn't even sure they even exist but someone at work told him its a possibility) or he will be fired....If Jeff lost his job in 2 months we would be in a lot of trouble financially...stuck in a lease we can't afford and without medical insurance...and with one baby to take care of and another one on the way- the job, the insurance that comes with it, and the money it brings is invaluable.  The second reason this is scary is that we could end up being in limbo for up to 2 years...Jeff is already going crazy...he needs to work! He hates sitting in a warehouse all day with nothing to do but play video games, be on Facebook, and watch shows on Hulu....I know a lot of people would consider it a dream job, but my man is what my definition of a true spiritual being is- he wants to work, he wants to be useful. He HATES wasting his time...

So of course, after hearing that we've had to re-evaluate our budget a bit and we've had to have some serious discussions about what is next...if he doesn't have his clearance by the end of the year (when our lease is up) do we stay in the Henderson/Vegas area and keep waiting, or does Jeff need to start looking for other jobs in October or November so that we have a confirmed job to move for at the start of the  year again?

This was already a lot to take in...and then the car....oh the car...

Sophie was my grandpa's baby. It was the first brand new car he'd ever purchased off a lot. When my grandparents found out that I had moved off campus year before I graduated and that I had no transportation they offered her to me and I accepted with a very grateful heart.

Now...she's 22 years old- for a car of her age she's holding up well, but we've found that there is a lot that needs to be done...a week before the bad news from work, we spent $400 to get the fuel filter replaced and a tune up. Turns out she still had the 22 year old factory spark plugs. The mechanic had no idea how she was firing up and we believed the problems we were having with her were solved...fast forward to the week of the bad news...we'd gone to the temple on Saturday and received a lot of answers about what we were to do about our current predicament. We picked the little diva up at my friend's house (her oldest daughter babysat for us- it was a huge blessing) and later that evening went out to get formula so we wouldn't have to buy it on Sunday....

Well...remember that friend that was supervising as her oldest daughter babysat? Well, she and her dear sweet husband ended up going above and beyond the call of duty of friendship that night...

Sophie wouldn't start! We thought we'd fixed that problem the week before- but no...here we were, with a screaming little diva in the backseat (it was WAY past her bedtime) and the car wouldn't start. Jeff looked like he wanted to cry...all he could say was, "We can't afford this."  I reminded him that technically we could since we'd put all his extra paycheck into savings. We said a prayer asking for the car to start, but if it wouldn't, that the repairs would be inexpensive and that we would be able to afford it.  Well...the car still wouldn't start...

I pulled out my phone and followed a prompting...Call Melissa....

Her husband was already on his way out to drop off a Redbox movie. He came and picked us up and when we reached a tow truck agency about coming to pick the car up, he offered to drive Jeff back so he wouldn't sit there waiting for them.

Well..that tow truck agency ended up causing the next big trial of the night...apparently, they didn't have the resources to handle our tow so they outsourced it, but made it seem like they were the ones handling it.  Finally...after waiting for 4 hours (it was 12:30 AM by the way) my husband had given up. I took his phone- I was not giving up! A) they had our credit card number, and I wasn't about to be charged for a service we didn't receive and B) I was PISSED and felt like biting off a few heads. A tow that we were told was supposed to be 45 minutes away shouldn't have taken 4 HOURS!

I called...I was mean...but I will say I was exhausted but unable to sleep because of the stress of the situation. Jeff had given in to exhaustion and had fallen asleep a few hours before. I definitely scared the dispatcher, I even surprised myself with my level of sass and spite...He finally admitted that they had outsourced the tow and gave me the number to call the other company they had sent it to...

When I called the other company. They blamed the first company. Apparently, the number had been given incorrectly (or taken incorrectly) to call us to let us know that  driver was being sent to the location and the first company didn't answer their phone when the second company called...at this point, I was irritated and didn't care who was to blame. I cut the dispatcher for the second company off mid-sentence and said, "Okay- now you have the RIGHT number. Can we please get a tow now?" I had to go through the even more irritating steps as she took our information again about where the car was "Didn't the other company give you this info when they handed the tow off." The dispatcher said that she wasn't the one that had taken the info down and whoever did hadn't completely filled out the form...UGH...she promised us a tow in 45 minutes (I wasn't about to hold my breath...) I texted my dear friends that had been up waiting to take Jeff back to Target to meet the tow truck to tell them what was up. I told them to go ahead and take a power nap because I wasn't holding out much hope..

Well...an hour and a half later...we finally got a call that the tow truck was on its way...6 HOURS...6 HOURS we'd waited...

The next morning, a very sleepy Jeff walked to the mechanic's shop around the corner where we'd towed it and had them fix it...we are very lucky that this shop is not only inexpensive, but VERY honest. Jeff told them that we thought it was the fuel pump and they gave him a quote to fix that, but about an hour later we were called and told it wasn't the fuel pump, it was the starter and were given a new quote...we are lucky, a lot of other auto shops would have replaced the fuel pump and when that didn't work, they would have called and said, "Well, you owe us for a new fuel pump, but after that we found out it wasn't the fuel pump, it was the starter...so your bill is now $700..." Not these guys...yes, the starter was a more expensive fix...but at least they were honest and didn't replace parts that were functioning perfectly.

Well..another almost $400 later, we now have a functioning car again...and have started another new debate about whether or not we should buy a new car and sell Sophie to a family looking for a car for their high school student or a family that can only afford Sophie and the transportation she has to offer...but that also requires new revisions of the budget, and, if we stick to Jeff's new budget (and with a new baby on the way, I'm not 100% convinced its feasible, but I'm willing to try...) we should have $12,000 saved by the end of the year...enough for a move and a down payment on a house where ever we move to...

Fast forward to this week...because bad things happen in threes, right?  I closed my computer down and went to reboot it...and it wouldn't start up...I tried all night to fix it (good thing I was already up with food poisoning...yuck!) but to no avail...Jeff took it to work and tried to fix it, but with no luck. A friend at work thought he could fix it, but it turns out that it will cost almost as much to fix it as it would to get a new laptop...

So...I guess Jeff gets his wish. He's been wanting a new laptop for a while. I told him he could have the new one and I'd take his old one (even though I hate it! I can't type on this stupid thing very well. It isn't a full sized keyboard and I'm always hitting the wrong button! This blog may not make it seem that way, but it really is annoying.)

I'm also sad because my novel that I had been writing for the last 4 years is on my stupid, broken laptop, the novel I only had 3 chapters left to write of, the novel I was hoping to send to publishers this year...along with all the pictures I have of Faith from the time she was born, her baby book that I had been procrastinating printing off, and my copies of my engagement pictures...

I guess that will teach me to back up...

But, I've decided not to have a pity party...when it rains it pours, right? Well...it may pour but when it rains and pours it also refreshes everything and makes it new, the rain brings new life...

So...these trials, as difficult as they've been (and some continue to be) will bring a new life, a better life. I have faith in that.

Sometimes we have to deal with a series of really crappy events so that we can appreciate the new and wonderful things that are headed our way.

We ask for friends and family, if they feel so inclined to pray for us and possibly fast if they're up to it. We're asking that people pray that either Jeff's clearance will go through or that we will be sustained in this job through to the end of the year so we can be out of our lease and so that the birth of baby #2 will already have happened and have been taken care of through our insurance company. We know that we will find the right job and place if this job and this place aren't where we belong. We have faith that God will guide us as long as we're doing all we can in the meantime to find the path for ourselves.

Faith is to hope for things that aren't seen, or so I'm told, so while we can't see what the future will bring for our little family, we have hope that if we're doing everything we can to be righteous and follow the commandments that God has laid out, that we will have a blessed and wonderful future, that we will find where God needs us to be.

Bad things happen, but, if you know where to turn, they aren't so bad.

God has been so good to us, and in spite of the struggles we may be called to face in order for His will to come to pass, if we keep looking around us, we will be able to see that he is still there, blessing us, and helping us through. He will not leave us without comfort.

I love you all, I thank you for your prayers and support. It means the world to me that I have a little family of friends out there in the world who care about me and my little family. Thank you for being so wonderful.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Love is Spoken Here

I mentioned on Facebook that last week my little Faith started to notice other kids in the congregation at church. This week, she was the star of the show. I was called to be the ward choir director (big shocker) and one of my sopranos has three little girls.  As soon as my husband walked back into the chapel after making copies for me, they flocked around him. She studied them, cooed at them, and smiled...they couldn't get enough of each other.

After choir practice was over, they obediently went to a pew to sit with their mom and dad. We ended up sitting in the pew across from them and they continued to make funny faces at our little princess...I must say, she was most pleased with the attention.  I picked up the diva and took her to her adoring fans so that they could hold her. They were over the moon! I sat and chatted with their mom, who applauded my willingness to let her little girls hold my baby, she said as a first time mom she wouldn't have dared. I passed Faith along between the three little girls, and finally took her back to the pew and took my seat when it was clear that sacrament meeting was about to begin.

A young father sat behind us. I don't know him, but I do know that his wife was home today with their youngest, at least, that is what I gathered from conversations I'd heard. Sitting with him was his oldest- a little girl who couldn't have been more than four or five.  She didn't notice Faith at first, but Faith noticed her. She looked over my shoulder and gave her the old "I'm adorable, play with me!" smile.

Much to her father's chagrin (or so it seemed) she noticed the little diva (of course she did...that smile is electric, magic, and hypnotizing!) She exclaimed, "Oh look dad, look at the little baby!" Of course, by that point, noting the father's slight exasperation, I turned the princess around and proceeded to feed her, but this little girl wouldn't give up...and neither would Faith. After her bottle, she wriggled and wriggled and I finally had to put her over my shoulder again.

The little girl came closer, her dad started to get worked up, but I turned over my shoulder and gave him the "its okay, she isn't bothering me" look.  The little girl asked her name, I whispered it and her dad relayed the message, because the little girl hadn't heard. She giggled and said, "That's a funny name." I couldn't help but laugh. You could tell the poor guy was mortified! He whispered, "No, its not a funny name, its a pretty name. Its Faith, its a good name." The little girl continued to giggle for a bit, but then moved forward again and started to hug my back as she stroked Faith's little hand. Faith smiled and cooed softly.  Her dad was again, slightly mortified, "You don't have to hug everyone, back off a bit." I turned and acknowledged that she was fine.

For the next ten minutes or so the little girl stroked Faith's hand, hair, and shoulders and kept whispering, "I love you baby, I love you so much!" She finally asked if it was okay for her to kiss the baby.  I picked Faith up a little higher and let the little girl kiss her forehead.  She smiled and kept telling Faith how much she loved her...finally, she sat back and started to draw and be quiet and Faith went down for her nap.

I honestly, didn't listen to a thing the speakers had to say today...which is slightly sad because it was ward conference and our stake president was speaking along with our bishop...I just sat and dwelt on a single thought. "I love you baby, I love you so much."  I dwelt on the three little girls who eagerly took my baby into their arms to snuggle her...

We are told in the bible to be as a little child and come to Christ...maybe this is part of what that means.  These four little girls are the best example I have seen in a while of Christlike love...they had no expectations, they just wanted to smile, give hugs, and be near to a little person that still has that link to the other side and our Savior. They gave their love without being asked, they gave it wholeheartedly, and freely- and the funny thing is, that the parents were the ones trying to hold them back...

I get that there are social "norms" that must be observed, and kids need to learn personal boundaries- but maybe if we could take a lesson from these little girls, maybe if we could just love one another purely based on the fact that we are all children of God, that we all have our own personal and private connection to heaven and our father in heaven, maybe then- just maybe- this world would be the kind of world that Christ had hoped we would create using the gospel principles He taught.

I'm not sure this thought process makes sense to anyone but me, but I am so grateful for these four little girls who couldn't get enough of my baby. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother to such a loving little girl who couldn't have loved the attention more, and couldn't have been more loving in return. I learned so much today- I have often pondered the invitation to try to be as a little child and then come to Christ, and I think they taught me a part of how we do that. We do that by loving everyone around us in spite of flaws, differences, or what we may deem as their mistakes.  We should give our love freely in spite of religion, creed, or belief system ,because that is what a little child does, because that is what Christ does. They have faith enough to see the good in everyone in spite of how they may be different.

Lately I have been struggling a lot. It seems like I try to be loving, or understanding and it gets thrown back in my face by people who don't want to offer me the same courtesy.  It gets really hard to do this when some people's idea of tolerance is that I should agree with everything they say and do and admit that I am wrong to believe some of the things that I do.  This is not tolerance. Tolerance is accepting someone in spite of your differences, tolerance is saying that its okay to agree to disagree.  I've been faced a lot over the last week with this very dilemma- to the point that I've wondered why I even try any more.

Sadly, it seems we live in a world focused on hate...it seems like all anyone can do is focus on the things that make them different and the people that ridicule them for those differences. We forget that, in spite of hate, there is LOVE...so much love, if we would just open our hearts and minds to it...

Maybe if we did people would think a little more before saying offensive things when they find themselves offended...lest we forget that the Law of Moses came to an end with Christ- we shouldn't allow ourselves to have that "eye for an eye" mentality...What purpose does it serve? Does it undo anything? and really...Does it make anyone feel any better?...When we say mean or offensive things about any group of people, and they return the favor all that ends up happening is more hurt and offense...nothing is solved and true tolerance can never be reached, because there is always hate and indifference in the way of the love...because THAT is all that people focused on revenge can see...they don't truly see those that love them trying to at least help them understand a point of view so they can respectfully agree to disagree.

Well, after my own private sacrament lesson today, all I can say is I love you, and I will continue to love every single one of you because that is what Christ asked us to do...because that is how a little child would love...maybe I am just opening myself to disappointment or pain- but there is already too much hate and indifference in the world...I think I will continue to love, with hopes that I'm cool enough to start a new trend...

you can join me if you'd like...

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings.