"Me" Time...

Life is hard.

I know what you're all thinking..."Thanks for that observation, Captain Obvious."

I've been really struggling lately to find balance.

Faith's therapy has been intensive and I feel guilty if I'm not devoting time to her when she is awake, working to help her overcome her difficulties with communication...then I feel guilty because Phillie is awake and here too and needs my attention just as much as Faith does...then Jeff gets home and needs attention...my voice students come over at sporadic points throughout the day diverting my attention from where I want it to be, then I need to get things ready for the Young Women (did I mention I was called to be the YW President last month at the end of the month?), and have my outside commitments like community choir...In short, I feel like Bilbo Baggins at the beginning of the Lord of the Rings, like too little butter scraped over too much bread...

Yesterday, we finally got some news that we'd been waiting for...Faith failed her hearing screening.

We're not sure how much she IS hearing, as the OAE only tests whether or not the sensations sent up the nerve in the ear come back out...Faith failed on both ears. The next step is either to continue with the Infant Toddler Program's path and have one more screening done at the local elementary school (can't remember what they called it, but it isn't 100% accurate as it asks a very small, very wiggly toddler to sit on my lap facing forward while sounds play behind her, to her side, etc. and they watch to see if she responds to the sounds that are playing around her...) and THEN if she fails that being referred to an audiologist (likely at Primary Children's in SLC) to see how much hearing loss we're talking about OR I can just talk to her pediatrician at her well child exam on Tuesday next week to see if she will use the failed OAE screening as proof enough that she can just refer us directly on to an audiologist for testing... We will see what the pediatrician says on Tuesday, but our speech therapist said that given Faith's symptoms (not speaking, preferring to babble mostly vowel sounds, not responding to her name, spinning at random times (if its hearing loss, she is likely doing this to stimulate her otic nerve), not responding to sound stimuli around her (i.e. people snapping or clapping next to her head to get her to turn around), and her newfound penchant for using her soft palate to babble instead of her lips (again, likely to stimulate the otic nerve because that is probably how she can hear the sounds that she makes the best)), she would wager that the failed OAE is correct and we're dealing with hearing loss and that she wouldn't blame me in the least for wanting to skip the second test with the audiologist at the elementary school and move right to the more drastic testing to measure how much she DOES hear in order to get her the help she needs...speech therapist is wagering that since oto-toxic antibiotics are involved, we may be looking at hearing aids, but said there are any number of reasons why the hearing loss has happened.

Well...with this news, and the knowledge that I am likely going to be spending some more time in SLC and travelling there, I knew something had to give.  I'd been debating for a little while, as I've been struggling with balancing everything since we started therapies, quitting the community choir. I'd held off because it was the ONE thing I was doing for myself...but at the end of the day, SOMETHING has to give...and unfortunately, as much as I love it, its the easiest thing to cut out at this point...I've debated dropping voice students, but I want to wait to see what happens with the pediatrician, audiologist, and Faith's diagnoses before I do something that drastic, but that may end up happening too...

My family will ALWAYS come first before anything I do for myself.  I've decided that if I want "me" time, I will just ask Jeff if I can go get a massage or something when I'm feeling tense, and I will take time when the girls are napping to practice my music more and maybe even start composing  and arranging music again (haven't composed/arranged music in a while and that could be a fun way to relieve stress.)  Faith, Phillie, Jeff and time with them are more valuable than 2 hours at choir during the week.

I will say that, even though it killed me to write the director, I felt 100,000 times lighter after it was done. I knew I made the right decision.

Right now, I need to focus on being a wife, mom, therapist, chauffer, housekeeper, and historian...

The director was lovely about accepting my resignation from the choir and told me I was welcome back whenever I felt like things had slowed down a bit.

I am content. I know that some of you may be thinking that this isn't really a "healthy" way to look at things...that I should have dropped something else before dropping my "me" time, but sometimes the easiest thing to do, is the right thing to do...in dropping choir, I've freed up 2 hours of time...time to be able to be there to put my babies to bed at night and enjoy their snuggles, time to cuddle up with my husband and talk about my stresses and what I've done during the day and listen to his stresses, and time to SLEEP!

In the end, I am a wife and a mother. I chose this path.  Its not a sacrifice to quit the choir... it would be more of a sacrifice to look back and regret that I wasn't able to be fully present because I was preoccupied elsewhere and I MISSED something vital and important. That is something I could never forgive myself for...

photo credit ME! Yep! I took and edited this, I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm doing a bomb diggity job as family historian, right?

Besides, who wouldn't want to be hopelessly devoted to THIS awesomeness?  Every smile, every giggle, every hug, every tantrum, or tiff over a toy is precious...and I will miss it someday...you can't get a minute back once its gone or wasted...so I choose not to waste them...I choose to be present...this IS my "me" time.

Hugs and Loves until next time, darlings.
 (Oh...you want more cuteness? Here you go...and you're welcome.)

Acceptance

I promise that I will post about Easter soon. We didn't really do much. Jeff wasn't feeling well, Faith was being a teething monster- but I did make a fabulous dinner....

Right now, I decided to post on something that has been weighing on my mind lately. I haven't really taken any pictures of me this pregnancy...I took a few on Valentines day, but they were definitely not shots of my full body so people could see...

I've been rationalizing that the reason why I haven't taken any pictures of myself and posted them is because my computer went to digital heaven and I don't have my scrapbooking or photoshop programs to make them all cute and fun...

But, now I feel guilty, because I am willing to admit the real reason now...

My brain just hasn't caught up with my body.

The reality is that I will be 5 months pregnant on the 28th...but I still look in the mirror and think, "Ewww...I am disgusting."

I have been working really hard to change this mentality. I want to love my body and all the amazing things that it has done for me and continues to do. Its relatively healthy (OB/GYN being worried about my blood sugar aside...) and it gets me from point A to point B with few hiccups...but the unfortunate truth is that due to previous experiences that I've had (bullying in school, remarks from well meaning family members who thought they were helping, when in reality their words only stung me to my core...) my self esteem when it comes to my body has always been pretty hard to bring up.  I had a lot of experiences where my "failures" were attributed to me being overweight...it was a constant struggle growing up.

When I met Jeff, I was the smallest I'd been since my freshman year of high school. I was satisfied. People were always telling me how amazing I looked, and my voice teacher was even concerned that I was losing too much weight to maintain the sound that my voice type puts out...I wasn't doing anything to lose weight before the wedding but I even had friends who approached me because they worried that I was getting, "scary skinny"...these were issues I'd never had before...and let's face it...I wasn't a twig.  My weight fluctuated between 145 and 155 and wore a size 4/6....

When I was pregnant with Faith, I didn't worry about my weight gain until I reached the 40 lbs mark with 2 months left to go...I cried in my midwife's office when she got after me for not being disciplined enough when I gained 50 by the end...I WAS being as disciplined as I could be...I tried to find healthy alternatives for cravings that were less than healthy, but I also knew that you have to indulge every once in a while...I didn't change much about my eating habits, I just ate a little more than usual...

I lost 20 lbs pretty fast after she was born...the last 10 that I lost before I went for my first doctor's appointment with this baby at 9 weeks 2 days was a hard fought fight, but I did it...I had every intention of trying to lose more while it was still safe for me to do so...but then the morning sickness came and took over my body like a person that crashed a party that no one wants there...there were days I couldn't even get out of bed.  In spite of everything, at my 12 week appointment, I'd only gained 4 lbs (with Faith I'd gained about 12 pounds by the end of my 12 week mark). Last appointment, at 16 weeks, I'd actually lost 2 of the 4 lbs that I gained....

I guess, long story short...I feel embarrassed. I was so good at taking pictures and documenting my pregnancy with the Little Diva, but I felt like I started this pregnancy so overweight that part of me just gave up thinking "What's the point? I'm too fat for anyone to see much of a change anyway..."  I've had several people ask why I haven't posted any pics...and there is your answer.  I'm embarrassed by my body...I'm frustrated that I only have 3 or 4 outfits that actually fit over my baby bump right now...I. Just. Don't. Feel. Beautiful...

and I hate it.

My husband tells me almost every day how beautiful and sexy I am...but I look in the mirror and see my flabby tummy and arms and think, "Yeah...he's just being nice..."

and I hate it!

I want to feel pretty again, I want to convince myself to believe my husband when he pays me a complement...its just hard right now. I love my husband so much...and he is so handsome. I guess I just want him to feel like he's out with a hottie...and right now I feel more like a nottie... in a way, I almost feel like I'm letting him down.  I know he doesn't care. I know he loves me for more than my body, my clothes, my hair, or my makeup...

I need to find a way to catch my subconscious up with the rest of my body. I need to stop playing those tapes in my head over and over...the teenage boys that would moo at me when I walked down the hall...my family members who told me that no one would ever be interested in me if I didn't lose a few pounds...and the directors who told me that they would have cast me, that I was super talented, but I didn't quite fit their ideal for the part, to lose a few pounds and then come audition for them the next time they did a show...

Who decided that 3-5% body fat was beautiful anyway? I want to find them and punch them in the nose!

In the end, I need to keep reminding myself that I am a daughter of God. That He loves me for what's in my heart, not the size that's on the tag in my shirt or pants...I need to remind myself that my body is in the process of performing a miracle- I am growing life for Pete's sake!...and this miracle wouldn't have occurred if I didn't have such an amazing husband, who loves me so much.

I promise to find a way to start a scrapbook for this baby, even though I'm REALLY late getting moving on it.  I promise that I will listen and HEAR my husband when he complements me, and believe it, because I know he wouldn't lie to me. I promise to stop doing things and thinking of things that I hate...because that isn't me. I am a happy and infinitely blessed person and I promise myself that I will start to remember that.

Because I am beautiful, no matter what size I am. God made my body, it may not be perfect, that is part of the agreement that we made to live this life, but it was made by Him...and he fathered my spirit...and he wouldn't make a mistake. True beauty starts on the inside and shines out of you like a light.

Fashionistas of the world that don't agree with that can kiss my pregnant bum- both cheeks!


I promise that there will be a post about me and the baking cupcake at 20 weeks...WITH pictures.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

When it rains it pours...

I always start to worry a bit when things are getting too perfect...I wonder when the rain will start...

A few weeks ago, I got a surprise phone call from my husband. I excitedly answered the phone in my "sexy voice" to mark the special occasion, it turns out he was calling with bad news.

For some reason his security clearance was denied (we still don't know why and neither does the company he works for.) Now it has to go through a secondary appeals process that can take anywhere from 2 months to 2 years (or longer)...

This is scary for 2 reasons:  If it doesn't go through one of two things will happen he could be reassigned to a non-secured site (if there is room- Jeff isn't even sure they even exist but someone at work told him its a possibility) or he will be fired....If Jeff lost his job in 2 months we would be in a lot of trouble financially...stuck in a lease we can't afford and without medical insurance...and with one baby to take care of and another one on the way- the job, the insurance that comes with it, and the money it brings is invaluable.  The second reason this is scary is that we could end up being in limbo for up to 2 years...Jeff is already going crazy...he needs to work! He hates sitting in a warehouse all day with nothing to do but play video games, be on Facebook, and watch shows on Hulu....I know a lot of people would consider it a dream job, but my man is what my definition of a true spiritual being is- he wants to work, he wants to be useful. He HATES wasting his time...

So of course, after hearing that we've had to re-evaluate our budget a bit and we've had to have some serious discussions about what is next...if he doesn't have his clearance by the end of the year (when our lease is up) do we stay in the Henderson/Vegas area and keep waiting, or does Jeff need to start looking for other jobs in October or November so that we have a confirmed job to move for at the start of the  year again?

This was already a lot to take in...and then the car....oh the car...

Sophie was my grandpa's baby. It was the first brand new car he'd ever purchased off a lot. When my grandparents found out that I had moved off campus year before I graduated and that I had no transportation they offered her to me and I accepted with a very grateful heart.

Now...she's 22 years old- for a car of her age she's holding up well, but we've found that there is a lot that needs to be done...a week before the bad news from work, we spent $400 to get the fuel filter replaced and a tune up. Turns out she still had the 22 year old factory spark plugs. The mechanic had no idea how she was firing up and we believed the problems we were having with her were solved...fast forward to the week of the bad news...we'd gone to the temple on Saturday and received a lot of answers about what we were to do about our current predicament. We picked the little diva up at my friend's house (her oldest daughter babysat for us- it was a huge blessing) and later that evening went out to get formula so we wouldn't have to buy it on Sunday....

Well...remember that friend that was supervising as her oldest daughter babysat? Well, she and her dear sweet husband ended up going above and beyond the call of duty of friendship that night...

Sophie wouldn't start! We thought we'd fixed that problem the week before- but no...here we were, with a screaming little diva in the backseat (it was WAY past her bedtime) and the car wouldn't start. Jeff looked like he wanted to cry...all he could say was, "We can't afford this."  I reminded him that technically we could since we'd put all his extra paycheck into savings. We said a prayer asking for the car to start, but if it wouldn't, that the repairs would be inexpensive and that we would be able to afford it.  Well...the car still wouldn't start...

I pulled out my phone and followed a prompting...Call Melissa....

Her husband was already on his way out to drop off a Redbox movie. He came and picked us up and when we reached a tow truck agency about coming to pick the car up, he offered to drive Jeff back so he wouldn't sit there waiting for them.

Well..that tow truck agency ended up causing the next big trial of the night...apparently, they didn't have the resources to handle our tow so they outsourced it, but made it seem like they were the ones handling it.  Finally...after waiting for 4 hours (it was 12:30 AM by the way) my husband had given up. I took his phone- I was not giving up! A) they had our credit card number, and I wasn't about to be charged for a service we didn't receive and B) I was PISSED and felt like biting off a few heads. A tow that we were told was supposed to be 45 minutes away shouldn't have taken 4 HOURS!

I called...I was mean...but I will say I was exhausted but unable to sleep because of the stress of the situation. Jeff had given in to exhaustion and had fallen asleep a few hours before. I definitely scared the dispatcher, I even surprised myself with my level of sass and spite...He finally admitted that they had outsourced the tow and gave me the number to call the other company they had sent it to...

When I called the other company. They blamed the first company. Apparently, the number had been given incorrectly (or taken incorrectly) to call us to let us know that  driver was being sent to the location and the first company didn't answer their phone when the second company called...at this point, I was irritated and didn't care who was to blame. I cut the dispatcher for the second company off mid-sentence and said, "Okay- now you have the RIGHT number. Can we please get a tow now?" I had to go through the even more irritating steps as she took our information again about where the car was "Didn't the other company give you this info when they handed the tow off." The dispatcher said that she wasn't the one that had taken the info down and whoever did hadn't completely filled out the form...UGH...she promised us a tow in 45 minutes (I wasn't about to hold my breath...) I texted my dear friends that had been up waiting to take Jeff back to Target to meet the tow truck to tell them what was up. I told them to go ahead and take a power nap because I wasn't holding out much hope..

Well...an hour and a half later...we finally got a call that the tow truck was on its way...6 HOURS...6 HOURS we'd waited...

The next morning, a very sleepy Jeff walked to the mechanic's shop around the corner where we'd towed it and had them fix it...we are very lucky that this shop is not only inexpensive, but VERY honest. Jeff told them that we thought it was the fuel pump and they gave him a quote to fix that, but about an hour later we were called and told it wasn't the fuel pump, it was the starter and were given a new quote...we are lucky, a lot of other auto shops would have replaced the fuel pump and when that didn't work, they would have called and said, "Well, you owe us for a new fuel pump, but after that we found out it wasn't the fuel pump, it was the starter...so your bill is now $700..." Not these guys...yes, the starter was a more expensive fix...but at least they were honest and didn't replace parts that were functioning perfectly.

Well..another almost $400 later, we now have a functioning car again...and have started another new debate about whether or not we should buy a new car and sell Sophie to a family looking for a car for their high school student or a family that can only afford Sophie and the transportation she has to offer...but that also requires new revisions of the budget, and, if we stick to Jeff's new budget (and with a new baby on the way, I'm not 100% convinced its feasible, but I'm willing to try...) we should have $12,000 saved by the end of the year...enough for a move and a down payment on a house where ever we move to...

Fast forward to this week...because bad things happen in threes, right?  I closed my computer down and went to reboot it...and it wouldn't start up...I tried all night to fix it (good thing I was already up with food poisoning...yuck!) but to no avail...Jeff took it to work and tried to fix it, but with no luck. A friend at work thought he could fix it, but it turns out that it will cost almost as much to fix it as it would to get a new laptop...

So...I guess Jeff gets his wish. He's been wanting a new laptop for a while. I told him he could have the new one and I'd take his old one (even though I hate it! I can't type on this stupid thing very well. It isn't a full sized keyboard and I'm always hitting the wrong button! This blog may not make it seem that way, but it really is annoying.)

I'm also sad because my novel that I had been writing for the last 4 years is on my stupid, broken laptop, the novel I only had 3 chapters left to write of, the novel I was hoping to send to publishers this year...along with all the pictures I have of Faith from the time she was born, her baby book that I had been procrastinating printing off, and my copies of my engagement pictures...

I guess that will teach me to back up...

But, I've decided not to have a pity party...when it rains it pours, right? Well...it may pour but when it rains and pours it also refreshes everything and makes it new, the rain brings new life...

So...these trials, as difficult as they've been (and some continue to be) will bring a new life, a better life. I have faith in that.

Sometimes we have to deal with a series of really crappy events so that we can appreciate the new and wonderful things that are headed our way.

We ask for friends and family, if they feel so inclined to pray for us and possibly fast if they're up to it. We're asking that people pray that either Jeff's clearance will go through or that we will be sustained in this job through to the end of the year so we can be out of our lease and so that the birth of baby #2 will already have happened and have been taken care of through our insurance company. We know that we will find the right job and place if this job and this place aren't where we belong. We have faith that God will guide us as long as we're doing all we can in the meantime to find the path for ourselves.

Faith is to hope for things that aren't seen, or so I'm told, so while we can't see what the future will bring for our little family, we have hope that if we're doing everything we can to be righteous and follow the commandments that God has laid out, that we will have a blessed and wonderful future, that we will find where God needs us to be.

Bad things happen, but, if you know where to turn, they aren't so bad.

God has been so good to us, and in spite of the struggles we may be called to face in order for His will to come to pass, if we keep looking around us, we will be able to see that he is still there, blessing us, and helping us through. He will not leave us without comfort.

I love you all, I thank you for your prayers and support. It means the world to me that I have a little family of friends out there in the world who care about me and my little family. Thank you for being so wonderful.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!