Slowly but Surely

Sorry I've been sporatic lately with my posts. Sadly, life has taken over a bit in the Nielson household (once again...) and I haven't really had time to formulate thoughts that I've been wanting to share.

I've been having contractions for the last 2-3 weeks, and last week at my appointment, the doc put me on bed rest (because bed rest is TOTALLY possible with two toddlers, one of whom has little to no communication skills and the other whom has hit the "terrible twos" early)

When you add to that the fact that it has been 6 months since Faith's last round of testings so they have to update everything to keep her services on point, let's just say things have been interesting.

The testing process has been easier this time, but its frustrating that it seems like people still feel like I need to be treated with "kid gloves" when it comes to saying that Faith hasn't made the kind of progress they would have hoped.

I am well aware...its okay to say that she is still "severely delayed"...it doesn't hurt my feelings or make me mad or sad...

You see, using the sage advice of our speech therapist in Wyoming, I am content. (Baby steps are still steps...)

No- she may not be using simple words like "drink/juice", "snack", or even calling me mamma or her dad "daddy", but I can look back to where we were 6 months ago and see that things ARE better...

To someone on the outside looking in, I can see how it would be nerve wracking to have to tell someone that the tests aren't showing much change. Everyone wants a miracle. Everyone wants Faith to wake up one morning and magically decide to talk.  I will openly admit to having those thoughts some days (when things are really hard and I'm at the end of my rope.) but miracles don't have to be HUGE or completely life altering all the time.

What has changed in 6 months?

Faith is  making better eye contact. We still have our struggles, but she has started to figure out that her non-verbal cues aren't going to cut it and that she has to look at me while making whatever sound signifies what she wants in order to be successful in getting it. She has the capacity to learn and adapt- that is HUGE! I've seen and read of parents that aren't even sure about that when it comes to their kids on the spectrum. How blessed are we to know that she can pick up on a behavior and, after prompting (sometimes lots and lots of prompting) successfully do what is required.

Faith engages mom and dad to play. We will be sitting on the couch and the next thing we know there are blocks in our lap, or a pen and pad for drawing.  We have to get her to look at us and make some kind of sound to get what she wants (which can be frustrating) but she is showing she WANTS us to be a part of her world. She wants to let us in. She wants to be around us. Considering that 6 months ago, I couldn't get her to look at me, let alone get her to play with me doing something she enjoys, this too is a miraculous shift.

She lets me hug her. Sure, she wiggles her way out of my arms sometimes, but considering that 6 months ago any and all physical contact had to be initiated by her or we'd have a melt down of epic proportions, we have made leaps and bounds of strides in the right direction. There is nothing more heartbreaking than not being able to physically show your child how much you love them and to not have them seem to want to physically show you any affection.  I can't tell you how many times a week I have to choke back tears because Faith has crawled into my lap, given me a kiss, and just laid there, allowing herself to "be" with me. 6 months ago, I wondered if that would ever happen.

She is slowly learning to engage her sister.  There are only one or two games that she has made up that she will play with her.One involves finding one of daddy's church ties, handing Phillie one end and taking turns dragging each other across the room. The OT says she likely does this because she needs the deep sensory input that the dragging sensation brings and she knows that Phillie will be able to drag her lightly enough that it won't hurt her.... but at least she is bringing Phillie into her world.

A few weeks ago, I happened upon this scene in the living room after cleaning up breakfast.

I admit to sobbing like a baby as I took this picture.  They happily sat watching Frozen just like this for nearly 30 minutes. You could see Faith wasn't 100% comfortable because she was "flicking" her hands the whole time, but she didn't move, she didn't try to push her sister off. She let Phillie lay in her lap and show her affection.

Yes, she may still be non-verbal...she may still not know how to match pictures when prompted...she may not know how to play with ALL of the toys kids her age should know how to play with... but what she is slowly learning and figuring out are incredible!

I definitely have my days...days when I pray and wish and pray some more that she will just learn to talk already, that she will just eat normally, that she would be able to make friends and play with her cousins and sister...

but on those days, I try to remember where we've been.

The journey of life isn't just about the starting point and the place you'd like to end up, its about enjoying the stops along the way- even when they're tough and you want to keep moving to the end destination instead of stopping.

Right now, I'm going to embrace this "stop" on our route to seeing Faith's true potential. Yes, my child is Autistic. Yes, she has severe delays,but she has potential and I have faith that as we travel together I will be directed along the paths I need to go to help her reach her best "end goal point" in this life...

and ultimately, that is what this life is about. We all have potential, we all have an optimal "end destination."

I am blessed to know that even if that earthly "ending destination" isn't where I saw Faith when I first held her in my arms when she was 8 hours old, potential NEVER ends. Her delays and disabilities will not last forever. She will be blessed with a perfect body at the coming of our Savior. She will meet the endless potential she has...and she will have more compassion and knowledge than I think any of us can understand in this life.

She may not be the world's version of "perfect", but to her Father in Heaven, she is perfect just the way she is. She has been given the opportunity to learn lessons that few of us will be able to fathom until the next life...and I have been given the opportunity to learn from her. How lucky am I?

Yes, she is still severely delayed. Yes, she isn't like other 3 year old kids...but she is MY 3 year old. She is a part of my journey. She is teaching me more than I ever imagined I would learn in this life.

As long as I'm doing all I can do, the Lord will make up the difference.

He has been all along. Slowly but surely.

Hugs and Loves until next time, darlings!

What Ifs?

Sorry...

I know its been a while...Did you miss me?

Truth be told there have been a million things I've wanted to blog about but between the joys of pre-term labor and handling two toddlers, its been hard to find time to sit down and focus my thoughts, but after yesterday, I KNOW I need to sit down and focus my thoughts to work through some things...

Yesterday, we had a meeting with the Head Start Preschool coordinator for our school district about Faith's transition from Up to 3 to Head Start and all that it would entail.

To be perfectly honest, going into it, I had very few concerns or problems. I have been excited to think about the opportunity of Faith going to preschool and getting some extra help and therapy with other kids present...

But it just goes to show how naive I am sometimes.

Considering what we've told her, and where Faith's previous scores from 6 months ago are (and considering that there hasn't been a considerable amount of change) the director said that she believes Faith will end up in the preschool and not doing therapy twice a week at one of the schools. That was fine, I was expecting her to say that...and then she mentioned the school bus...

The realization suddenly hit me.

They would be expecting me to put my baby on a bus, let an aid strap her in to a harness or seat belt on the bus, and trust that she would get there and back safely...

The anxiety wells up just as much now as it did yesterday.

Considering Faith's tendency to bolt, considering that I rarely spend time away from her because no one really knows how to handle her, considering that time I spend away from her has always been at home with a relative watching...this seems like an almost laughable and insurmountable task.

It just hadn't dawned on me that I wouldn't BE THERE...

She will spend 2-4 days a week from 9- noon away from me, alone... I have to trust a teacher, some aids, and a speech therapist to watch her while managing other kids with disabilities similar to hers or worse than hers...

We had taken a little tour and walked through an actual class in session. One little boy, completely immobile, was on a carpet with a teacher and the speech therapist working, and there were two aids with a group of about 8 kids sitting at a table...and the door was wide open (don't get me wrong,other teachers had their doors closed, but this one was WIDE OPEN)...

The thought of me not being there to watch her,to be sure she stays in the room, to be sure she stays in her seat and is staying on task...it TERRIFIES me...

What if the teacher leaves the door open and she slips away? What if she won't sit and do what is expected of her- she doesn't follow directions and we've been working really hard on getting her to meet the same expectations that other kids have to meet when we're in group settings, but we're SO FAR from being to the point where we can get her to without a struggle...

My baby will be all by herself, I won't be there to figure out how to end the melt down, I won't be there to praise her and help her... I haven't even been able to leave her alone in nursery without her being brought to me in melt down mode (with the exception being in our ward in Wyoming, and I believe that the only reason I was able to leave her was because I spent 3 months in there with her, getting her used to everyone)

I keep trying to remind myself that this will be good for her. She needs this experience. She needs to learn how to follow instructions from someone other than me, she needs to learn how to work better with other kids and socialize...

but all the "what ifs"and looking at where she is now, I sit here wondering how it will be possible for this to be successful....

I was having contractions last night and didn't get much sleep. All the worst case scenarios ran through my mind like a marathon of anxiety (since I really had nothing better to do than be worried...) I prayed and prayed and prayed over and over and over for her safety, for my anxiety to let up about it, for me to stop harping on it...

In the end...my daughter is aptly named. Her whole life has been an exercise in faith for me.

I know that faith conquers fear.

As the summer months pass, as we move forward and start the necessary testing for Head Start, I need to continue to pray that my faith will grow, that I will be able to see the baby steps forward that will start to put my mind at ease about sending her all by herself somewhere, that I will be able to develop faith in the teachers, aids, and therapists there to protect her from the world (and sometimes from herself) while teaching her the skills she so desperately needs.

I can't give her everything. I can't teach her everything. I know I need to let go and trust- trust that God will protect her, trust the education of these awesome special educators that have devoted their careers to kids like Faith, and trust that Faith will conquer her obstacles and be successful.

I know that, in the end, the anxiety will likely still be there. New and unknown journeys are always a little scary...but I am holding onto the hope that as I pray for the light to show the way, I will be able see little glimpses of how we're being prepared for this big step. I will be able to have my hope turned to faith as I act daily to try to help prepare my sweet baby girl and myself for this impending journey.

I know I have a loving Father in Heaven who will help see us through. I know he tests us to make us stronger. This is just one more test...its probably harder on this mamma than it will be on my sweet girl, but only time will tell.

In the end, God will drag you kicking and screaming from one blessing to the next if he has to. I'd rather not kick and scream and enjoy the ride, so I will look for the blessing in this anxiety, I will look for the blessings that come as we make the preparations for Faith to start her preschool journey, and I will continue to pray and allow this anxiety to draw me closer to my Father in Heaven.

In the end, it will be a good thing, but excuse me while I quietly sob to myself thinking about all the "what ifs" for a little while...

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

True Love

A poet once said that if you truly love someone or something, you will be willing to set it free.

When I was younger, I always thought this phrase was stupid. If you love, and love fiercely, you should fight with every fiber of your being to show that love and keep it.

As I got older, I began to understand the truth of that phrase...and the truth in my own thoughts. That both thoughts were true and intertwined.

In the last few weeks, I have been forced to dwell on both of these thoughts as my husband and I have been faced with tough decisions.

A month ago today, we brought Pixie home from the Cache Humane Society. She was so sweet and good with the kids, we had great hope that things would work out. 

We had a shaky first week. She didn't eat, she would go outside and then come back in and poop on the carpet and I began to wonder if our home made her nervous.  Eventually, with time, we were able to establish boundaries and she seemed to settle into our home life...

She was sick with Kennel Cough when we brought her home (basically Bronchitis for dogs) and had been treated with antibiotics at the shelter. We were told that she just needed time to let it work through her system. As she started to get better and want to do more than sleep on the couch all day, as she started to get a little "zip" back, we began to notice a new problem...she wanted to be outside ALL.THE.TIME.  We had been told in the shelter that her previous owners kept her outside during the day because they both worked and then would bring her in during the late afternoon and evening. To be honest, I didn't believe it would be a problem initially which is why we continued the process and chose to adopt her. In general, in my experience with dogs, the dogs I've always had have wanted to be indoors, even the big ones. So for me, this desire to just be outside was very foreign. 

Now, if our house had a private backyard, or our HOA allowed for animals to be tethered on our porches outside for short periods of time without owners being present, this wouldn't have been a problem...but we don't have a private, fenced backyard, and our HOA rules clearly state that animals need to be on a leash with owners present and tethering is not allowed.

It was starting to get to the point where I would take her out for a long walk while the girls were napping, she would have "done her business", and as soon as we were back in the house and the leash was off, she would run to the door, and begin to yelp (sometimes to the point that it sounded like I was physically abusing her). The only way to stop it would be to put her in her kennel. She would instantly quiet down and go to sleep but then beg to go outside after I let her out again in 20 minutes or so.  It started getting to the point where I was needing to take her outside every 30 to 45 minutes and the amount of time she wanted to be outdoors was getting longer and longer.

Now, if my kids were older, this wouldn't have been a huge problem, but I was becoming concerned that going for long walks at naptime  with my front door always in view(so 4 times a day for 20-30 minutes) wasn't cutting it. 

Imagine being 28 weeks pregnant and trying to wrangle 2 toddlers and a dog while on a walk...now add to that the complication of one of those toddlers being Autistic, with no sense of danger, and a tendency to bolt. Needless to say, going outside all together was problematic to say the least and I was finding myself having to close the girls into the baby proofed living room behind the baby gates to take out a dog on the verge of hysterics that just wanted to be outside in the sun, grass, and smelling the dirt for no other reason than she craved it.

I was hoping that this was just another adjustment, and that with a little more time she would begin to see that we go outside at certain times and we are free to play inside the rest of the time but the problem was just getting worse, culminating in her running away TWICE last week (she just bolted out the door as soon as someone opened it...a behavior we hadn't seen before because usually she was content to stay back and wait for an invitation to go outside and for her leash). 

This week, my mom decided to come for a visit. She is kind of a dog whisperer. I knew she would either have suggestions or help me come to a decision about what to do.

We LOVE Pixie. She is seriously one of the best and sweetest dogs I've ever met. She is so gentle even with the littlest of kids and is always eager to go say hello to babies and toddlers and give them a quick love...and more importantly, we have been seeing some HUGE strides therapy wise for Faith.  Faith has been eager to try to communicate with Pixie, and, while she still isn't mimicking us, she was beginning to mimic sounds that Pixie made in her attempts to play with her. She was also sharing toys and trying to share her food with her...things that she never does with anyone. This last Sunday, during nursery, I was in tears as I watched her walk over to a little girl and try to share a puzzle with her. She never made eye contact once, but she made noises like she makes when she plays with Pixie and happily handed the little girl puzzle pieces to put into their correct slots. I know that if she hadn't had the motivation to learn how to share from her time with Pixie that this break through would likely have been months off...

With all the good, it was easy to try to say that we would continue to forge ahead. I didn't want to disrupt the progress we were making with Faith, and I didn't want Pixie to have to go back to the shelter because she came to us SO SICK with Kennel Cough and the volunteer at the shelter that had suggested Pixie as the animal to try had said that she had really NOT been faring well there in the month and a half that she had been there. 

My sweet mother came and after a day or two of observing our situation looked at me and said, "Honey, sometimes you have to just know when its time to face the facts in front of your nose. This dog is a great dog, she is perfect for you- your house just isn't perfect for her."

She was right. LOVE had been my motivation to fight and continue to forge ahead. Love for Pixie and her sweet personality, love for Faith and my desire for her to progress, love for Phillie who had become Pixie's partner in crime and could often be found trying to snuggle with her and give her kisses, and love for animals in general and my desire to have one in my life.

I was raised around dogs. Before his death, and while I was growing up, my biological father became a licensed breeder of Shelties. My mom and dad worked together to teach us respect for the animals we were caring for. Through 4 litters of puppies, before our female Buttercup had some major complications and could no longer breed, we learned about housetraining dogs the correct way, how to train puppies to be soft as they played with humans, how to get them the proper medical care and, more importantly, we learned about respect and putting an animal's needs above your own. 

In no case was this more true than with "my dog" Penny. My dad had rescued her. She was old, much too old to breed, but when he heard her story, he didn't have the heart to have her sent to the shelter or euthanized when she still had some good years left. Abuse had left her blind and she was starting to go deaf ( a common problem in old age for Shelties), but he wanted her to have as much time as she could still have before deafness claimed the last of her abilities to care for herself, in a loving home. He wanted to erase the abuse.  

Penny and I instantly had a connection that couldn't be denied. She was mine and I was hers. For a year and a half, I fed her, bathed her and earned extra allowance to buy her treats and toys. Finally, one day, my dad sat me down one day after school and explained that he had taken Penny to the vet for a check up. A hearing test had revealed the awful truth that he had feared as he watched Penny running into things in the backyard and noticed that I would have to bring food to her and that she didnt want to walk around much, Penny had gone completely deaf. Her one sense of smell was failing her as well because of age. The vet and my father both agreed that it was time for Penny to be put down, that she had no quality of life left with only a failing nose as her guide. 

At the ripe old age of 6 years old, I didn't hear the good reasons, all I heard was that "my" dog was going to go to heaven and I was ANGRY. 

It was a hard lesson. My father agreed to let me come along to the vet but didn't want me to come in to watch the procedure. I cried the whole way there, I cried as I sat in the car. All I could think of was me. All I could think of what Penny was doing for me as a little kid who loved her, I wasn't thinking of her.

As time went on, as the wound from missing "my" Penny healed, I began to see the wisdom. To truly love means that you put the needs of others first, it means that you see a need and if you can't meet it, you have two choices: 1) Fight to find a way to meet the need or 2) Let go and move forward with love to find a way outside of yourself to meet that need.

I have thought a lot about that young childhood lesson as this last week and a half or so has worn on. I have thought about poor Pixie, confined to a kennel most of the day because she won't stop whining at the door. 

My mother made it more real...I was thinking about what Pixie did for us...not what we were doing for her. As an adult dog, it will be hard for Pixie to change and adjust, in fact, it just may break her spirit to do it.  I was doing all I could to try to meet her need for the outdoors, I was trying my best to meet her needs but because she was so set in her ways, I was trying to FORCE her to change. I was trying to force her to change because I wanted it to work. I wasn't considering her needs, I was only considering my needs and the needs of my family...

In the end, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to find Pixie a home that met ALL of her needs...not a home that was trying to force her into submission and to force a change that she wasn't prepared to make. 

Love is a two way street. While Pixie loves us and was happy to be with people who cared about her, she wasn't fully happy, she couldn't have the one thing she wanted most and craved. She was trying to be content, there would be days she would give up whining and yelping after 10 or so minutes and settle in to play with the girls and their toys or jump up to snuggle with me on the couch, but she wasn't fully content.

We made the tough decision that we'd fought all we could for her. Because she was unable to change at this point in her life, we were fighting a losing battle.

While there were and have been benefits to fighting that losing battle, that losing battle has been becoming a dangerous one...forcing me to leave my kids unattended or break rules of our HOA to tether her up outside. Something had to give. 

However, the Lord in His tender mercy has found a way for this situation to not be as heartbreaking as it could have been.

I couldn't stomach the thought of taking Pixie back to the Humane Society. While I know they do their best to care for the animals under their stewardship, knowing what we now know about Pixie, I knew that taking her back to spend who knows how long in a kennel and only 2-3 trips outside a day would REALLY crush her spirit...and I definitely couldn't fathom the idea of her being bounced back and forth until she found the right home...most importantly, we have become attached to her. I was really struggling with the idea of not ever seeing her again.

The Lord knows our needs, and His wisdom is in everything.  My sweet little sister has a giant fenced backyard and 3 adorable little girls that had been begging for a dog that could be "theirs"...they do have another dog, a jack russell terrier like Pixie, but he is timid and not fond of children, so they rarely get chances to interact with him.  He also came from a home with 7 other dogs so he has been itching for a playmate too.  

My little sister eagerly offered to take Pixie in. 

So, this morning, as I cried and cried and cried, Pixie was loaded up into my parent's minivan to begin the sojourn back to Idaho Falls with them. She will be dropped off at my sister's house as a "spring break surprise" for her girls.  

 Sometimes, the truest form of love and compassion you can demonstrate is to recognize the needs of someone (or something) and put those needs above your own. Sometimes you have to fight losing battles to win...

What have we won?

1) We won the knowledge that a service dog truly will help Faith and will be a great asset to her current therapy regimen.

2) We won the knowledge that sometimes the quickest way to accomplish the task isn't necessarily the best. Pixie had the perfect personality to be a service dog for Faith, but I went against my better judgement (knowing what I know about dogs) and hoped it would work out to train her in spite of her age because it was the quickest way to bring a furry friend into the house to help her.  We haven't given up on having a dog, but we know now that it will be worth the wait to either save up for a papered puppy that we can train to be okay with our home environment or suck it up and save up to spend the $3800 required to buy a trained service dog that will come to us all ready to meet our needs. We will take comfort in knowing that we now know a path that will give us amazing results to help Faith and will work hard, having faith in God that we will be led down the right path so that the next time we bring a furry friend home, it can be a "forever home" for that pet.

3) We were reminded about true love and what it really means. We have worked hard over the last month to try to give Pixie everything she could need or want to be happy, and were able to recognize our shortcomings. We were given a chance to make it right and God, in his mercy, gave us the perfect solution so that good-bye doesn't have to mean parting ways forever...

4) We have been given the chance to exercise hope, love, faith, and courage. Its never bad to flex those muscles every now and again.

God never gives us anything that we can't handle without His help. 

All experiences are for our good.

While our hearts are broken that we couldn't change enough to make our home the right home for Pixie, we have learned important lessons and valuable lessons...some of them for the benefit of our kids, and others so we can stretch and grow spiritually. 

God will drag you kicking and screaming from one blessing to the next if He has to. 

This just happens to be a situation where I was dragged kicking and screaming to the ultimate blessing of this experience- the blessing of remembering what it truly means to love without being selfish. 

Love isn't selfish. Love is patient. Love is kind.

Paul's epistle to the Corinthians was pretty genius. 

How blessed am I that I got a chance to gain a greater understanding of these inspired words? 

I was blessed with a chance to exhibit Christlike love through charity. I got the chance to put the needs of another above mine and I have been enriched by it.

I will still probably cry for the next few days...but I have faith that my pain will be healed. I have faith that God will show me the wisdom in this plan and that my choice to let Pixie go will ultimately be shown to be the right step...line upon line, precept upon precept and that I will receive the blessing of having that hole in my heart filled and that our needs for help for Faith will be met through hard work,  and by the acts of God's army on earth (my brothers and sisters in spirit). 

Now just wasn't the time...we needed to see that it would work and that it was a viable path for helping sweet Faith to learn how to make friends...and now we can look forward to the day when we are fully prepared to receive that blessing at the right time and with the right tools for the job.

Hugs and Loves until next time, darlings.

My thoughts on the new CDC statistic...

I've been debating back and forth about this post...

1) I know it will stir up controversy and feelings from people on both ends of the many debates it encompasses.

2) I'm not a medical professional...I just know what I know from my own personal experience...

After a lengthy debate with myself, and finally realizing how ANNOYED I am (thanks, pregnancy hormones!) I decided I'd just put it out there. Haters can hate, people can agree, disagree...I don't care...here is my two cents...

The CDC released a new study today that they now find that 1 out of every 68 kids is Autistic. I found this new study via my Facebook newsfeed from a page I follow.  I clicked to read the article (because obviously, it applies to my life and I'm interested in hearing new developments) and then, I couldn't help myself, I read a few of the comments posted by other fellow page followers that had done the same...the rage started to bubble...

HELLO CONSPIRACY THEORISTS! So nice to see you're still out and about stirring up the pot...

I read several comments from people saying that its all a big pharmaceutical conspiracy to make money and that more kids are being diagnosed so that pharmaceutical companies can sell more drugs...

I also read comments about how doctors were diagnosis happy and that more kids are being diagnosed because doctors and parents don't want to accept that all kids are different and that we're placing too many standards on our children...

and of course...my FAVORITE people...the anti-vacc/chemicals in vaccines group spoke up. I'm sure you all know their arguments, but in a nut shell, they believe (in spite of MANY, MANY studies proving the opposite) that vaccines cause Autism.

I feel very strongly that I need to address these theories and impart a little bit of what I know and have learned over the last 11 months as we've struggled to find a diagnosis for my daughter and to find out what was causing her delays.

As far as the pharmaceutical conspiracy is concerned: IF you know anything about Autism, you would know that the treatments available depend largely upon Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, Speech Therapy, and Modified ABA/ABA therapy depending on the individual child's delays, and some parents have found success with dietary changes such as switching to gluten and dairy free diets.  SOME kids with Autism also struggle with ADHD (some but not all) and doctors, after exhausting all other options, will prescribe meds for ADHD (they don't work for all kids and can sometimes make the Autism symptoms worse, which is why they are very careful about the when, what and how of prescriptions.) The only other prescription medicine that you may find an Autistic kid taking is a prescription sleep aid, and these are generally a last resort after herbs, supplements, diet changes, and additions of aids such as weighted blankets don't help the problem.  As far as it being a conspiracy created by pharmaceutical companies is concerned, after reading this, I hope you would see that they clearly won't be making much money off of a kid with Autism. Autism is caused by problems in the brain. Giving meds that can change the brain chemistry is tricky and risky business and I can reassure you that parents and doctors alike don't throw caution to the wind and try every prescription drug they can. They haven't found ANY prescription drugs that will alleviate or eliminate Autism symptoms. There is no magic pill. It takes a dedicated therapy team, hard working parents, and a hard working child to overcome any of the symptoms they may be dealing with.

Next, I'd like to speak to the people who feel we're putting too many expectations on our children. Doctors have come up with a list of projected skills that, in general, kids should be able to perform by certain ages. Most doctors won't go "diagnosis happy" over a small delay in one area and will chalk it up to the child just being a little slower in that area. Autism is not just one delay, its several. The most common delay with Autism, is speech, so, of course, if doctors see a huge speech delay they become concerned, its their job to be concerned, you pay them to be concerned... there are also delays in areas you may not even think about- does your child point at objects that interest them? Does your child follow simple instructions? Does you child point at a picture in a book after you point to it?... Bottom line: These lists of developmental milestones are a crucial part of being sure that your child is safe. Whether you choose to be concerned or not by the delays is up to you,but if a doctor is mentioning that you should be concerned, it doesn't hurt anything to examine things a bit further. The earlier they catch severe delays and start interventions, the better the outcome will be for your child. Most kids will grow out of delays, and some delays are so severe that they will require years of therapy, but don't get all huffy with doctors who are just doing their jobs and are pointing it out in order to offer you help if you want it. These developmental milestones are recognized worldwide by doctors. How lucky are we here in the United States to have quick access to a medical professional who can either alleviate our concerns or confirm them and give us the help we need?  Yes, every child is different,but if I had listened to people that said that I was overreacting when Faith wasn't talking AT ALL by the time she was a year old (no mamma, no dadda, not even yes or no), we wouldn't have made the progress we've made so far. It took 10 months to get a diagnosis. 10 MONTHS! 10 Months, 5 doctors, tons of tests,and a team of therapists to come up with the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Believe me, if doctors were diagnosis happy when it comes to Autism, if they were giving out the diagnosis just to shut up overly concerned parents, it wouldn't take 10 months to get the diagnosis...

Finally, the anti-vacc/chemicals in vaccines group...this will probably be my most controversial statement...so, as Samuel L.Jackson says in Jurassic Park: Hold on to your butts...

VACCINES DON'T FREAKING CAUSE AUTISM! ENOUGH ALREADY!  I could take time to dig up all the studies that disprove the studies you use to make your claims, I could take time to find all the failed studies that have tried to prove it, but I won't bother...I will just tell you what I know from my experience.

My daughter was 10 months old when her regression started...She didn't have any of the "evil vaccines" that scientists have tried to link as the cause of Autism yet...In fact, she didn't get them until 2 months AFTER her symptoms started to appear.  If vaccines caused her Autism, she must have magically had them without me knowing...

I will also say this: My mom got behind on my vaccines (she couldn't find my card to prove which ones I needed and had and so she was turned away until she could find it) and at 6 years old, I ended up sick with the Mumps.  I will tell you- these childhood diseases are not just a mild inconvenience like the Chicken Pox (which now has a vaccine...), they are BAD JUJU! I almost died. My mom almost lost her baby and there was nothing she could do but watch as her baby girl suffered for a month and a half.  I remember the first week or so after my diagnosis...I remember the horrible headaches, being unable to eat, and being so weak that I couldn't even walk to the bathroom to relieve myself, my mom had to hold me up on the toilet...after that everything is a blank. I don't remember a whole month of my life at the age of 6. My mom has filled in the blanks, and it isn't pretty... my entire school had to go be tested for the Mumps, my parents were given the choice to admit me to the hospital or let me die at home, they were looking at caskets and pricing grave plots...you think these diseases are no big deal, but they really are!

The generation born after herd immunity started to take effect is lucky enough to have never seen a huge outbreak of these disease. We haven't seen hospital wards filled with sick and dying children. We haven't seen parents having to bury their babies and we haven't seen kids that are deformed or become mentally deficient because of these diseases (yes, Measles, Mumps and Rubella come with fevers that are high enough that they can cause brain damage to the point that your child can become retarded mentally...).

The biggest problem is that you think that your choice not to vaccinate over the fear of something like Autism only affects YOUR child, YOUR family, but it doesn't.  Herd immunity only works to protect kids from these diseases when 85% of the population is vaccinated...we are now below 50% vaccination rates...this puts not only YOUR kids at risk, but kids that haven't received their full course of vaccinations, and infants, little babies, that are still too small to receive the vaccine.

I'm sure many of you who feel this way already know all of this and I'm talking to brick walls at this point, but WHATEVER...I needed to say it...and I need to say this: You are a menace to public health- to MY KIDS' health (because neither of them are old enough to have received a full course of vaccinations.

I 100% DO NOT EVEN GIVE ONE MILLISECOND OF MERIT TO THE THOUGHT THAT VACCINES MADE MY DAUGHTER AUTISTIC...I AM AN AUTISM MOM...I AM LIVING THIS AND I CAN TELL YOU THAT IT WAS NOT THE VACCINES!!!! AGAIN, SHE WASN'T EVEN OLD ENOUGH FOR THEM WHEN WE STARTED TO NOTICE HER REGRESSIONS!

Now...having said all of that, I'd like to share a very interesting study that was just released this week. A study that has some pretty amazing evidence that demonstrates that Autism is caused by a combination of genetic predisposition and something that occurs during the 2nd or 3rd trimester of pregnancy. You can read the study HERE.

While this is just another theory, from what I've noticed and know about my daughter, much of their science really seems to make sense.

In a nutshell, the study suggests, after studying brain tissue samples of kids with Autism that died young, that kids with Autism actually have MORE brain cells...unfortunately, these brain cells aren't programmed to do anything.

Studies have already proven that Autistic kids have larger brains than normal, and now it makes sense why- they have more brain cells. Scientists that worked on this study suggest that somewhere during the 2nd or 3rd trimester of pregnancy something happens environmentally in the womb to a baby that is already predispositioned genetically for Autism that causes the "pruning" process the brain goes through to not happen correctly. Extra brain cells aren't eliminated, and some brain cells never become the type of cells they were meant to be, creating breaks in the channels that cause proper brain function and therefore leading to the symptoms of Autism.

Because some kids improve and some don't, they are now looking into WHY some brains can recover from this to some degree and others can't.

Then there is THIS study that links traumatic birth to Autism....

Either would make sense to me. Faith's birth was LONG and traumatic. She was born with respiratory issues... there are so many factors that could be the cause and that is why we need to have faith in continued research.  The first study I talked about, I feel could be a huge stride! If they could try to find a link between things that happened to pregnant mothers during the 2nd or 3rd trimester that could have changed the womb environment, it can give us hope that we can prevent the environmental change from happening and lower the occurrence of Autism.

In the end, I know conspiracy theorists are always going to be there. People are always going to have their opinions, and that is okay (okay, its okay when I'm not surging with pregnancy hormones and easily annoyed...) All I can say is this: ASK! Ask an Autism mom or dad. Many of us work to keep up with current research and therapies and we can tell you what we know. We will very happily explain what we know and what we don't know. It is encouraging to us when people want to know because it allows us to be better advocates for our kids...and don't be afraid to RESEARCH to answer questions that can't be answered by an Autism parent off their cuff. Don't be afraid to read studies that challenge your point of view. I am open to reading any and all current research regarding Autism. I still haven't read things that change my mind about certain topics (as I'm sure you couldn't have already surmised from the rant above), but if someone can give me evidence as compelling as the evidence found in some of the studies cited above, I would be willing to look at it. Keep an open mind...but PLEASE, PLEASE don't just go spouting conspiracy theories without asking...it is very frustrating for  those of us in the Autism community because it leaves us having to clean up huge messes because of what someone heard from their cousin's brother's sister's aunt's best friend...

We still don't have the answers. Autism is a complex disease with as many different symptoms, treatments, and possible causes as there are children that suffer from it. We may NEVER have all the answers, but if you are concerned about your child, don't be afraid to ask questions.

Lastly, why do I think the CDC is finding higher prevalence of Autism? I think its because we are getting closer to understanding it better. I think that early detection is getting much better and this is increasing the numbers. The increase in numbers shouldn't be discouraging, as far as I'm concerned, I take it as a good sign. I take it as a sign that kids are being diagnosed earlier and are being given a bigger, better chance to have the therapies they need earlier which has been proven to cause better outcomes. I have several friends with kids ages 4-6 that are JUST now going through the diagnosis process. They are frustrated by slow therapy and kids that they struggle to parent as they are learning how their brains work and in some ways, I think of how lucky I am that we caught it early...that I didn't listen to friends and family who thought I was being overly cautious over what initially appeared to be only a severe speech delay... after testing, therapy, and time with specialists we found the other delays she struggled with, and we've been able to get her help.

Yes, its HARD. Nobody wants to hear the word Autism linked with their child's name...but all I can say is, its better to be safe than sorry. I would go through the process we've been through over and over again if it meant finding better and more therapies to help Faith in her struggles.

Autism is NOT a dirty word.

1 in 68 is just a statistic taken from a cross section of just under 6000 kids...

Trust your gut. You're the parent. Don't buy into the conspiracy theories unless you have done your research. Ask questions. Be proactive! You never know whose child you may help by trying to understand instead of just buying into the hype.

Hugs and Loves until next time, darlings!

Baby Steps/Update/Joy In the Journey

I know, its been a few weeks.

There are good reasons its been a few weeks... so let's update.

Almost 2 weeks ago, we got a very unexpected call from the director of the Cache Humane Society.  He heard that we had been contemplating and looking for a dog to use as an emotional support/service dog for Faith. Because she responds so well to animals, we knew it would be a good thing for her, but weren't having much luck finding a dog that fit into the price range we could afford. We knew we could handle the month to month upkeep, but even the shelter here wanted $150 for a dog, and when you couple that with the necessities of a dog that will be mostly indoors (a kennel, toys, food, veterinary care, etc.) it just wasn't working out.

The director of the shelter decided that he wanted to do a service for us and give us the right dog for a price we could afford. He suggested we come by the shelter to meet a dog that had been in the shelter for a while, but seemed like she would fit our needs, a Jack Russell Terrier named Ripzy. We decided it wouldn't hurt anything to go down and meet this dog they were suggesting and possibly meet other dogs that could interest us.

We met Ripzy and I was very impressed. She was very sweet and very kind with the girls. She was so kind that even Phillie, who had been terrified of dogs since our last experience at the shelter when she was knocked over by a very enthusiastic 1 year old hound cross, was IN LOVE! We didn't have time to meet any other dogs because Jeff needed to go back to work,but I was already sold because of how stellar this dog was with the kids. Jeff needed a bit of convincing. My husband, the avid outdoorsman he is, really wanted a dog that he could take hunting and that had a bit more energy. The director of the shelter offered to put her on hold for us for 24 hours so we could think about it...and after a day of debate back and forth (literally, we spent all day talking about it...the joy of instant messaging and cell phones with texting), we decided we would do it. We knew that we weren't going to get another chance to pick how much we paid for a dog, let alone a great dog that was already housetrained (supposedly, we had a few accidents, but I think we're almost over that battle after going back to strict crate training for a few days) and was so gentle with the kids.

We made a deal with the shelter and paid for the cost of her microchip and then went to get the rest of the stuff she needed. We definitely have been blessed.  I did have a few days last week where I wondered if we should take her back. She started developing some nervous ticks around the girls, I think she just wasn't sure about what she was reading off of them, and coupling that with her refusal to eat and some accidents in the house when we'd had a good first few days, I was wondering if she was a good fit for us, but we weren't a good fit for her.

After bouncing pros and cons back and forth with my awesome husband (seriously, he is the greatest. He just knows how to get me to think through things differently and give me the perspectives I need to make a decision I can feel good about), we decided that, for better or worse, Ripzy, now called Pixie since its easier for Phillie to say, is a part of our family now.

As suspected, Faith has already made some HUGE strides because of Pixie's presence. She is already babbling more, she sits and babbles at Pixie, petting her and trying to get her attention to play. She brings toys and food to share with Pixie (something she would NEVER do with another kid or even an adult), and last night was the cutest thing ever (of course, as soon as I brought my phone out to record it she stopped)- she actually had a book out and was  trying to show Pixie different pictures, babbling about everything she was pointing at in the book.

I'm hoping to eventually train Pixie to help calm Faith during her meltdowns (which shouldn't be hard since she innately has already started going to Faith to investigate why she is crying and tries to snuggle up close to her), and I'm hoping that as Faith sees us get Pixie to do tricks using hand symbols and word commands that she will give them a whirl too...since we've also had a few heart in my throat episodes where Faith has gotten out of the house (toddler door knob guards have been purchased and are working), I'm also hoping to train Pixie to alert us when Faith is leaving the house unattended. We will see how it goes. I grew up raising, breeding, and training dogs...we will see if I am a little over confident in my training skills.

For now, we are perfectly happy to see Faith making progress and that Pixie's mere presence is causing some huge shifts for us. To anyone on the outside looking in, they would still see an almost 3 year old who is still non verbal, but to us, who live with her every day, we see the shift from barely making any noise at all to wanting to babble at her new furry friend and are VERY encouraged.

In this picture, Faith has meticulously placed her favorite stuffed dog next to our napping Pixie...she likes to sleep a lot...but she is also getting over kennel cough (its like bronchitis for dogs, she picked it up in the shelter and, while she has been treated for it, we have to wait for it to run the rest of its course), so I chalk most of it off to her not feeling well. She does play, you just have to catch her in the mood. Jeff is probably the best at getting her to play and actually had a very amusing play session with her the other night. I couldn't help but laugh as he got her to play tug of war with her rope toy. He was getting such a kick out of it...I think he has been converted and has even said what a great dog she is and that we would likely never find another one like her.

I have tried on multiple occasions to get pictures of her and the girls together. Phillie likes to walk right up to her grab Pixie's face, and put her nose to Pixies and give her kisses calling her "baby" and babbling her version of baby talk at her...its ADORABLE...but of course, as soon as the camera comes out, it stops. Faith likes to stand next to her and gently pat her when she is feeling overwhelmed and she is CONSTANTLY trying to snuggle up next to her on the couch...we have had a "nipping" incident last night. Faith did something that hurt Pixie(we didn't see...) but before tears that came with her holding a nipped hand, we heard a painful yelp from the dog, so we couldn't really be mad at Pixie for defending herself.  We just took her to her kennel and said "no biting" and Jeff took Faith upstairs because she was FURIOUS that we'd decided to put Pixie away... I was worried that Faith would be afraid of her after it, but this morning, she was even more eager to be sure that she gave Pixie loves and patted her VERY gently, as if to say she was sorry. I would imagine it is likely the first and LAST time a little nip would ever happen. She didn't break the skin, so I know Pixie was trying to be as gentle as possible. It was just her way to say "Ouch, you're hurting me. Stop!"

Beyond adding a dog to the mix, I spent some time last week in the hospital.

Wednesday night last week, out of nowhere, everything started spinning and it wouldn't stop. We tested my blood sugar to be sure it wasn't that my sugars were too low or too high, but they were normal, I drank water to do a kick count and also in case it was dehydration...Jeff was so sweet and kept vigil over me. After about an hour of waiting for it to go away, he eventually suggested that maybe I was  just overly tired from a very full day and practically carried me up the stairs for bed...I seriously couldn't walk in a straight line. When my eyes were open, everything was spinning and when they were closed, it felt like I was physically still spinning. I started getting very nauseous from all the non-existent spinning and the only way to help was keeping my eyes closed. I went to sleep, praying it would be better in the morning, but had no such luck.

After some discussion, Jeff called his mom to come watch the girls and took me to the ER.  After lots of tests, an MRI, and monitoring the baby to be sure she was okay and what was affecting me wasn't hurting her, we were given the diagnosis of unexplained Vertigo. I had/have no signs of infection, so they couldn't chalk it off to an ear infection or sinus infection, the MRI showed that none of the pregnancy related issues that could cause it were causing it...

Of course, because I am pregnant, they couldn't REALLY treat it because the medicine they needed to give to get the spinning to stop right away is Category C... After a day in the hospital, they sent me home with Meclazine, a motion sickness pill to try to help with the nausea and some of the dizziness, and orders to rest until it goes away.

So far, I've had several "spinning" spells, since I came home. All I can do is lay down, take a Meclazine and wait...which has been interesting with two toddlers to say the least...especially when one of those toddlers is Autistic and is having a VERY bad day where she is just overwhelmed by any and all sensory input (like the day before yesterday...)

Fortunately, the day after that VERY BAD day, we had a session with our Occupational Therapist, and she gave me some strategies to help Faith feel more grounded and less like she needs to control her environment by checking out and avoiding any engagement in activities that I'd tried to divert her attention from her melt downs.

The OT said that Faith was just likely very overwhelmed from a poor night of sleep and that she was seeking to feel grounded and was trying to accomplish this by ignoring everything around her and doing activities that allowed her to focus on one thing at a time...this meant that touching her, trying to get her to eat, trying to get her to go take a nap, everything we normally do was just too much. She suggested getting Faith to do "animal walks" getting her to crawl on all fours, wiggle on the floor like a worm, or crawl on her hands with her feet on the ground...she said it may seem counter intuitive at first since she doesn't want to be touched or engaged, but if you can, hand over hand, start the activity, she will sense that it's what her body needs and start to become active in it. She demonstrated, and I was amazed by how FAST Faith started to do the activity and how eagerly she kept going even after our OT had stopped doing it with her. The OT says the ultimate goal is for Faith to engage in these activities long enough that she gets a sensation similar to the one that we would get after a good long workout. She also showed me some pressure/holding techniques that would help her feel grounded as well... even the OT marvelled at how much Faith seemed to "need" the pressure/holding, and she was even having a decent day that day...

She is going to bring us a weighted blanket so we can try it before we buy one, in hopes that it will help curb her sleep problems and that we will have fewer "bad" days in the future.


In other news...in spite of our "bad days", I still have cuteness like the picture below going on in my house, so, I can't complain too much...even when I feel like poop and have to spend hours on the couch waiting for the world to stop spinning...

It may be a crazy life...it may not be easy (but what worth having is easy?) but I am blessed to be living it. It makes me a better person, it makes me closer to my Father in Heaven as I turn to Him for comfort and counsel, and it brings me closer to my husband as we work as a team to make it all happen. At the end of the day, all I can do is have courage enough to try again tomorrow and have faith that it will continue to get better. And with God on my side, the support of my awesome husband, and angels who hear about our random needs and deliver (like the Cache Humane Society, thanks again guys!) I know it will.

I often tell my friends that are struggling that if my experiences of late have taught me anything, its that our mantra in life should be "baby steps are still steps."  Progression is still progression. We keep moving forward and if we do all that we can do, God will make up for the rest that we can't and we will eventually reach our destination...and there will be MANY destinations in this earthly life...each destination is a jumping off point for a new journey. You can be dragged kicking and screaming from one blessing to the next or you can choose to have faith in the baby steps and find joy in the journey...I don't always choose joy...but I am working on making my choice joy every day. Eventually, I will get it right.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Shine on

Today was a trying day...

A day where I found myself unable to hold it together...

A day where I had to excuse myself from my screaming, raging, 2 year old and go into the bathroom to cry for 10 or so minutes in order to keep composure and a cool head.

Our Little Diva was definitely "on one" today, for lack of a better phrase. Lately, I've noticed that she isn't sleeping at night. I will go into her room to attend to her weepy little sister (we're getting the rest of our teeth in) and she is just sitting up in her bed, wide awake, staring back at me.

Last night, I decided to check to see if she was going back to sleep after I put her back down when I was finished with the teething monster in the bed next to her...sure enough, I'd wait 20 or so minutes and go back in and, every time I would check, there she was, sitting up, quietly, wide awake just waiting for the sun.  I'm not sure how much sleep she is getting, but it definitely is disconcerting. She is so little that the doctors don't recommend the "normal" course of action for sleep aiding Autistic kids (things like Melatonin or prescribed sleep pills).

Today we seemed to have full on melt downs about everything under the sun. I was bitten, pinched, kicked and slapped in the face more times than I could count...and poor Phillie ended up with a bloody nose after being on the receiving end of Faith's massive melt down tantrum for one reason or another (to be honest, I really couldn't tell you what the majority of them were about. She was incredibly unhappy, over stimulated, and anything that didn't go the way she wanted to would set her off)

Its days like today that I cling to those short lived moments of "normal"...Faith dancing the "hot dog" dance along with Mickey and the gang at the end of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Faith laughing hysterically as Winnie the Pooh climbs up the honey tree singing about the "rumbly in his tumbly" and his subsequent fall after spitting bees out of his mouth like bullets...these are the things that get me through. These are the things that remind me that my sweet little girl does exist most of the time. I am able to try to think of these things, or find ways to divert her attention long enough so that I can see that my sweet little girl is still in there, she is just having a REALLY rough day.

I was half tempted to cancel our session with our Autism Therapist today. She was so volatile, I was concerned that today's session would even be worth it.

In the end, I forced my tired and sore self through the session. I'm kind of glad I did.

Our Autism Therapist has never REALLY seen Faith in full on melt down mode...to be honest, I was beginning to wonder if they thought I was exaggerating when I would describe some of the tantrums we had...

The AT arrived right as Faith was waking up from a MUCH needed nap (she only slept for about 45 minutes, but it was a much needed 45 minute break, that is for sure)...and she got to experience Faith in the "melting down as I wake up mode".  She was absolutely perplexed to witness it first hand.  We finally calmed her enough to do a few therapy related things, but it didn't take much to set Faith off into tantrum mode.  Our AT is so amazing and patient with her. She laughed off the times that Faith would melt down because she touched her to try to tickle her or she took away something that Faith was overly focused on... I wish I could always be that amazing and patient...I'm working on it, but I'm definitely a work in progress.

In the end, the session was probably more productive for me than for Faith. I got some good advice about how to deal with her tendency to pick "catch all" signs and words (she picked up the word "go" in a recent speech therapy session, but unfortunately uses it EVERY TIME she wants anything...since she isn't using the word in the right context, it just furthers her confusion when it comes to communication and we kind of need to nip it in the bud.)  The AT said that I need to push her and wait for a sound other than the word "go" when we're working on communication (asking for items to be handed to her, more snacks, drinks, etc.) and continue to repeat the right word we want her to say after she makes a different sound, even if its just adding a syllable or different consonant sound...let's just say that didn't go over well with the Little Diva during her therapy session and finally our AT started to instruct me to hand over the item she was giving me the "go" for if she melted down for longer than 20 seconds (the LONGEST 20 second intervals I will ever live...I swear!)

At the end of our session, we talked about ways to help her be more active in nursery and to meet the same standards of the other kids in her class on Sunday. Our ward just called new nursery leaders, and while they are much more open to Faith's needs than the old ones (the old ones didn't even want me to come into the room and would bring Faith to me when she had a melt down, instructing me not to bring her back). Unfortunately, the new nursery leaders just don't really understand the complex needs that Faith has. They've already lost her a few times when she's been able to bolt from the room when parents come to pick up their kids early. We've started going to nursery again (they welcome our help with her) after we teach our class, and while I am grateful that they try to treat Faith like any of the other kids in the room, its hard to watch them get frustrated with her when she doesn't respond to their simple commands like the other kids her age do, or to watch them be upset because she won't sit still on the floor mats for singing time or the lesson.  We got some good suggestions from the AT for how to help her meed the demands that the rest of the kids have and for ways to approach Faith's needs with the nursery leaders so they can feel like they're in charge and we're just there to help be catalysts for success at getting Faith to actively participate and behave like she should.

Before she left we also discussed the AT finding ways to help us help Faith visualize "waiting time" if we can't do something she wants right away (like going outside to play or getting her a sippy) to hopefully cut down on the tantrums and melt downs. We've been dealing with a lot of "I want it now" type situations where we are either still trying to figure out what she wants or we know what she wants, but it can't be done or given to her right away. She says she has some things we can do that will help and she will have that ready for our next session. While today's session wasn't perfect, it was somewhat fruitful, and for that, I'm grateful.

To have a day like today, with melt down after melt down, in the midst of our impending move has definitely NOT been the most fun thing I've experienced (to say the least) but I will say I am grateful for days like today...it is days like today that remind me that I need to be even more present for those little moments of "normal" so I have more to cling to...days like today remind me to count my blessings...days like today remind me that its okay to ask for advice and help from people and the resources I've been given...and its days like today that give me opportunities to learn more so I can be a better advocate for Faith in the days ahead.

I should add how grateful I am for  THIS little person on days like today:

It was almost like my sweet Cupcake could sense that things weren't going to change with Faith any time soon. This poor sweetie has been running a fever and miserable for the last few days and today she was a perfect angel.  She even found ways to break me from the stress of the day being her usual goofball self.

She has discovered how to make "air kisses" and at the time I needed them most, she would make eye contact with me and send me a few, with sweet little giggles as I'd send them back.  I put Faith down for a nap on her own and sweet Phillie quietly sat with me and waited for her own naptime. We played games with blocks and puzzles, played the piano, and finally, she snuggled up next to me on the couch to watch Ice Age. She leaned over and laid down and I began to scratch her back. She looked up at me and said "Yuv you" and quietly let me continue to tickle and scratch her back...before I knew it, I looked over and this is how I found her...out like a light. Oh so happy to just be asleep on the couch (even though she really would prefer her bed.)  She finally did wake up about 20 minutes later and cried to go to her bed. I scooped her up, laid her in her bed, and she quietly fell back to sleep....in time for Faith to wake up screaming so I could get her ready for therapy LOL...Phillie slept the whole session and happily went into her daddy's arms when he went to wake her up so we could go to the store.

I am so grateful for Phillie. Even when sissy pushes her, slaps her, and gives her bloody noses, she never gives up. She tries to play with her and show her love.

The only thing that calmed me when I looked down at a 2 month old Faith a little over 2 years ago, realizing that Phillie was on the way was thinking that there had to be a greater purpose for her VERY unplanned arrival in our home...and that purpose has been shown to me time and time again. I needed Phillie to remind me that I'm doing an okay job on the days that I feel like the worst mother on the planet...Faith needed Phillie so she could have a friend with undying love and devotion...WE needed Phillie so we could notice the problems Faith was having and get her the help she needed.  Phillie is patient, Phillie is kind, Phillie is a complete goofball...Phillie is perfectly Phillie and content to wait her turn while we deal with the crazy ebbs and flows of life with her older sister as we work out the best ways to help her.

My biggest fear is that Phillie will not know how loved and appreciated she is... I pray every day for strength and the ability to be the mom that she needs so that she never doubts how desperately she is needed, loved, and how grateful we are that she came to our family to fulfill her special purposes in this life.

God is good. He gives us what we need...and sends us WHO we need to make the what possible. Phillie is truly one of the most special, cherished gifts I have been given.  I pray that I can show her that every day.

Faith will teach me patience and strength, Phillie will teach me how to endure to the end well with hope.

Every day, I find new purposes for these girls in my life...the tough days are days that I have to cry in the bathroom, breathe, and remind myself to go out and look for the lesson I am needing to learn...but I always learn it, they draw it out of me, one way or another it happens.

We will forge ahead, I will make mistakes...and that is okay...as long as there is love, hope, and I do my best to endure it well with patience, no day will ever be a day where I decide its "the worst day ever"... there will only be days where I learn and become better. If the lessons of mortality were easily learned, life would be a very quick test indeed. We need time to be polished to perfection. A hunk of coal doesn't become a diamond overnight- it takes intense heat and pressure.

Its days like today that I am reminded that someday I will shine brighter than I ever could have imagined.

Hugs and Loves until next time, darlings.

A Few Things NOT to Say to Someone Parenting a Child with Developmental Delays

I'm sure there are other posts out there like this somewhere...but I decided to write my own.  Dealing with a child with unexplained/explained developmental delays is TOUGH. Sometimes, well meaning or ill informed friends and family will say things...not things meant to hurt or offend, but they are like rubbing salt in a wound. Nothing makes you feel worse as a parent than people, who mean well, making statements that make you feel like you're a horrible parent, crazy, or completely alone because it just seems like NOBODY around you gets it...or cares to even attempt to get it.

So...here is a list of things you should NEVER say to a friend who is dealing with or worried about developmental delay in their child:

1. Some kids just develop slower. Why can't you wait it out and see? Why are so many parents diagnosis happy these days?

These are some of the first statements I heard from well meaning friends as I openly discussed some of the issues we were having with Faith on a Facebook thread. I knew I had several friends dealing with Autism and other developmental delays in their children, and I wanted advice, I needed to know where to go next. That was the quickest and easiest forum I had for asking questions and getting help. Faith was 18 months old and wasn't speaking a word. Her babbles were few and far between and never went beyond vowel sounds.  It was incredibly frustrating to have friends who WERE being supportive and suggesting I contact my state's Early Intervention Program be verbally shut down by other friends who felt that I was being overly dramatic. Bottom line: You're NOT living with your friend. If you do have interaction with their child, its generally brief.  They are the ones who are with them 24/7 and they are the ones who go to play dates, church, and other meeting places and are able to see the differences between their child and another person's child of the same age.  Be supportive. Suggest they contact their state's Early Intervention program or (if the child is older) the school district for testing, if they are that confused and nervous about it.  Empathize...ask questions. Sometimes, it helps that friend, who is struggling, to process things. Having to explain issues to friends will help them figure out how explain it to a pediatrician or case worker through their state's early intervention program later on. Encourage them to get help from professionals who can either put their mind at ease, or start them on the path to getting the tools they need to help their child succeed. In the end, EARLY INTERVENTION is the key to a child being the most successful. Concerns are nothing to be put aside, or to be "waited out".  The sooner your friend seeks a professional opinion, the sooner they will know if there truly is a delay and be able to start working on developing the tools they need. States wouldn't be required to have Early Intervention programs if they were useless. I promise, its NOT a waste of tax payer dollars. I'm sure that for every kid that is screened and found with no problems, there are 3 or 4 that are found with delays that are helped and are given tools to move in the right direction.  Even if you're right and its nothing to be concerned about, your friend's peace of mind is worth the time it takes to have their child screened to be sure there is nothing going on.

2. Maybe you just need parenting classes.

I, personally, haven't heard this one...but my sister in law has-multiple times.  They are currently working out whether or not her daughter has Asperger's or ADHD.  She has heard it from pediatricians and friends alike. Finally, in hearing our struggles with Faith and seeing the similarities between her and her daughter, she decided to go to her pediatrician and be a little more demanding for help. Chances are, the person that you're suggesting this too HAS taken parenting classes...several...and NOTHING seems to be working. So, the next time your friend is commiserating about the epic 2 hour temper tantrum that their child had as they were trying to get the grocery shopping done, it may be best to just say something like, "I'm so sorry! That must have been tough. I don't know if I would have or could have done anything differently." You can even offer advice of things that work with your kids, but don't be offended if your friend says, "Yeah, I've tried that. It doesn't work."  Just move on... don't probe or offer more advice. Just empathize and listen.

3. Don't worry about it. They will be fine.

This phrase goes hand in hand with the first phrase...but its incredibly patronizing...even though I know that the people that said it to me didn't mean it to be.  Telling a mother or father that has had their concerns about a delay confirmed NOT to worry is like telling a dog not to eat the t-bone steak you just laid on the grass in front of them...it is pretty much impossible. They are dealing with a lot of information at once, they are learning a lot of "lingo" and, more importantly, they are wondering how much this delay is going to affect their child as they move forward through their lives. Yes, that child will be fine...but what version of fine will they be? The version where physically they are healthy, but mentally they ALWAYS struggle. Will they be able to make friends? Will they be accepted by their peers in their class? Will they be able to be in a mainstream classroom?  There are lots of unknowns that only time will divulge the answers to. Hearing someone say, "Don't worry about it. They will be fine." makes a very nervous and worried parent feel VERY alone. It almost seems to them that their friend doesn't care to hear their struggles.  Even if you can't offer advice, you will never know how valuable a sounding board can be to someone who is struggling to parent a delayed child.

4. *Eyeroll*

I get this ALL the time... Faith inevitably will have at least 1 melt down if shopping trips aren't kept quick and simple. We do everything we can to keep her mind off of how uncomfortable she is, but sometimes we just aren't successful. Faith will drop to the ground and start her meltdown...she will scream, kick, bite,throw her shoes, do the limp noodle so that you drop her...and then...it happens...passersby stop and roll their eyes, or loudly say something like "someone needs to learn to control their kids"...I've been fortunate not to have had store security called on me to make sure I'm not abusing my children...but I have friends that have.  All I am asking is that you try to be empathetic as you walk through the store and see a poor mother or father dealing with a child who is in full on tantrum mode...You don't know what led up to the tantrum, and you certainly don't know what issues they are dealing with that contribute to the severity of the tantrum. Either quietly walk by, or smile and give an encouraging look and move on.  I promise, the parent is already embarrassed enough that they let it get to melt down point in public as it is...they are likely tired and frustrated.  I promise, nothing will make a tired mamma or daddy turn on you faster than if you decide to put your two cents in via an eyeroll or a snide remark. You have NO IDEA how many times I want to say, "Have you ever parented a child with Autism? Then keep your mouth shut!" to these passersby (and actually have because I'm at the breaking point.)  You never know what the load on someone's back is. Try to be less judgmental.

5. Its just a phase (the age) they will grow out of it.

Yes, your toddler may have had similar struggles when it comes to eating, bathtime, you name it...but just because your toddler grew out of it, doesn't mean that your friend's child will...and in many cases it takes AGGRESSIVE therapy to help a child move beyond delays.

I will use how I've been hearing this phrase a lot as an example.  Faith has severe sensory issues and delays. She tries her best to cut out any and all sensory input because the world is just too much. In no case is this more true than with her eating.  Faith isn't a picky eater, she is a poor eater. (Yes, there is a distinction) Picky eaters will be picky about the items they eat, but will still try new items. When they get sick of eating something, they generally replace it with something else on their list of foods they eat. Poor eaters are actually afraid to eat...(how would that be?) The sensory input from food is just too much for them. Not only do they refuse to try anything that looks different from how they normally eat it, they have a VERY short list of foods they will actually eat. The danger comes because instead of replacing those "safe" foods with another new favorite when they get sick of them, they eliminate the "safe" food when they get sick of it from their diet all together and the list of what they will actually eat gets shorter...and shorter...and shorter... As an example, for the last 2 weeks, her "safe" foods like Mac and Cheese, chicken nuggets, and hot dogs have been completely eliminated from her list. She flat out refuses to eat for most of the day. I've been lucky if I've been able to get her to eat potato chips and popcorn.

All along, as I've voice concerns about her eating habits and how her sensory issues have been affecting her negatively, I've heard friends say, "Its just the age", "She'll grow out of it", "All toddlers do that".  I've tried to take heart in these ideas, but when you KNOW something isn't right, it definitely makes you feel very alone to have friends pish posh it and say that its normal. However, in working with our Occupational Therapist, I've come to realize that this SO isn't the case for us...and its going to be a very long road.

 I have to make lists of yes, no and maybe foods...we have to pick a "no" food and gradually introduce it. I have to first just leave it out on the table so she can tolerate being in the same room with it. Our OT says that this process can take weeks to work...I have to then wait for her to decide to play with the food, and, hopefully, eventually, she will at least put it to her lips and give it a chance... when she refuses to eat,its not as simple as leaving her at the table until she's taken a few bites or until bedtime because she is actually AFRAID of the food on her plate.

Our OT is asking me to do the hardest thing I will ever have to do, I will have to act like I just don't care.  When she wants down, I have to act like its no big deal that she hasn't even taken a bite of her food, I have to use hand over hand techniques to get her to scrape her plate into the garbage, and then make the choice as to whether I will offer her an alternative, but offer it in a way that she doesn't believe she is being catered to...this way, she will gain trust with me and my choices of food that I put in front of her so she will be less afraid of  it and , hopefully, eventually give it a chance.

It will be a long road. She won't grow out of it. Its not just a phase. I literally have to teach her that she doesn't need to be afraid of the food on her plate and the sensory input that it gives her.

So the next time your friend with a developmentally delayed or special needs child talks about something that seems similar to what your child went through, instead of saying its a phase and trying to reassure them of something that you don't necessarily know is the case, be empathetic. Its okay to compare what you went through with your child from time to time. It helps to know that the struggles can be universal to some extent.  Sometimes, we just need a friend to listen to us as we complain and process our struggles.

6. Why are you so bound to "label" your child? Why do you want to?

This one is the one that irks me the most because it, in general, shows the largest lack of understanding or wanting to understand.  It shows that you already have preconceived negative notions about children with special needs.  I get it. Many people see special needs kids and think that they don't exactly fit in... I suppose I can see the confusion as to why anyone in their right mind would want to shuffle their child towards that group; however, when you're actually LIVING the life of a parent of a  child with special needs, you see this world and the value of the label in a whole different light.

No, a diagnosis won't change Faith. It won't change where she is developmentally physically or mentally.

However, a diagnosis could open up the possibility of more targeted therapies towards the form of Autism or delay she has. A diagnosis opens up doors for getting the assistance we need to continue to help her to move forward. A diagnosis will give us the ability to sit down with school administrators and teachers when the time comes to come up with the best course of action to help her be a successful student and be the best version of herself she can be no matter where she is developmentally at that point. A diagnosis gives teachers the information they need to know how to best handle her in the classroom, to help her when she struggles, to praise her when she succeeds, and to push her when she needs to be challenged.

Diagnosis isn't a bad thing. The label isn't a dirty word. We need to end the stigma that accompanies the idea of a child having special needs. EVERY child has special needs, some children have more needs than others. We need to teach our children to embrace one another, regardless of the differences that divide them, and find the ties the unite them instead.  We can start that process ourselves by giving up our preconceived notions about labels.

This label I'm working towards has been a long time coming. It has been a frustrating and tiring process. Its  a process that will continue even after we've figured out the cause of our sweet Little Diva's problems and have a name for it.  The label is so much more helpful than hurtful.  The more people that can see that, the easier it will be to teach our children that they don't have to be afraid of anyone that is different, that they don't have to discriminate against or leave out a child because of a label. That they can all be friends and help one another to succeed. The world doesn't have to be "dog eat dog."  Think about how much more amazing it would be if we could teach our children to work together.

In the end, I'm sure this post sounds like a rant of all the things I'm sick of hearing...and it really is, I'll admit that...However, I know I can't be alone in this process. I'm sure there are other moms and dads out there dealing with kids with delays, disorders, and diseases that get really tired of hearing people say these same "go to phrases" over and over again.

To make a long story short, try to put yourselves in your friends' shoes. Instead of going with your knee jerk reaction, try to assess if your friend is in a place where they are going to be okay hearing one of the "go to phrases" or if its just going to make them feel more isolated and alone.

We do feel alone. We do feel isolated. We feel like our friends probably get sick of hearing us talk about our struggles and we get to the point where we try to keep our mouths shut; which isolates us even more. We start to struggle in silence rather than feel the salt on the wound when people give us the automatic "go to responses" for our struggles.

We spend so much time advocating for our child, that we end up needing an advocate for ourselves.

Be gentle with us. Support us. Laugh with us. Cry with us. Celebrate with us...we need friends who care about US...and caring about us means that you, in turn, also need to care about our child. Try to take some time to understand what we're dealing with on a daily basis.

Above all, we just need to feel like we're not in this alone. We need to feel like our friends could pick up the yoke for us and help us carry our burden if we needed them to.  By saying the "go to phrases" that we hear all the time you are subconsciously sending us a message that you don't want to hear it anymore...and if that really is the case, that is fine...but if that isn't the case, dig a little deeper. Be our sounding board. Be our advocate, because, heaven knows, between therapy, doctor's visits, coordination of education plans with the school district, being wives and husbands, and taking care of any other littles we may have at home, we don't have time to advocate for ourselves. Remind us to take a break. Give us reasons to laugh. Give us reasons to forget for a few hours everything we have to juggle on a daily basis. I promise, we will do the same for you- even with everything else on our plates.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

The Absurdity of Kid Gloves

Last week, we went to Audiology to confirm that Faith has no problems with her hearing so we could move forward in her Autism diagnosis.

The Audiology team we met with at Utah State University was VERY kind and they were great with Faith...they were concerned they would be able to get Faith to do the testing they needed since she doesn't respond when you point at something and try to get her to look...however, after about 15 minutes of the sound field test, she figured it out.

Did it take longer for them to get results than it normally does. Yes. They admitted that...but we got results.

Faith is hearing normally in all fields. They did do a more specific OAE test (its a monitor that they put into their ears via a setup that is reminiscent of earbud headphones. It sends a signal up the cochlear nerve and tests how long it takes to come back, if it comes back at all.) Faith did fail in the upper registers, but she also had a lot of wax in her ears and passed on those registers during the sound field test.

She hears...we knew she could...but its nice to have it confirmed.

I did feel a little awkward as they were delivering the results. They kept looking at me, as if they were waiting for me to cry. They were handling me with kid gloves...

I get that its touchy. You're giving what should be good news- your child can hear. YAY!...but it really is kind of bad news because it means that your child is likely Autistic or suffering from a rare neurological disorder.

I tried to smile politely and show them that I was trying to be positive about these results.

Would I have loved for the therapy team we've been working with to have been wrong and to have found out that a hearing aid or a cochlear implant would solve our problems with some extra speech therapy?

ABSOLUTELY

But I also knew that the likelihood of this would be very, very small given the progress we've made and the fact that I have seen her respond to sounds and knew she could hear them.

I was prepared to hear them tell me she could hear.

Her ears work! What a huge blessing... Now, we move forward to get the rest of our diagnosis, some more answers, and some more help.

Regardless of the results, Faith would have and has remained Faith.  Our Little Diva.

Do I have my moments of grief and despair? Of course, I do.  But I would rather move forward with positivity.  Her ears work. That is one question answered. Now, because we have that question answered we can continue to move forward to get the resources we need to help her grow, develop, and work to become the best version of herself that she can be...which is going to be pretty darn amazing...since she is pretty darn amazing as it is.

We followed up with her pediatrician today...again, he waited for the tears...I was treated with kid gloves.  I guess I should get used to it.

But I refuse to let this process or a diagnosis define our family, define me, or drag me down into a gulf of despair that I can't pull myself out of.

I have full faith that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle without his help.  Will he test my limits? Jeff's? Faith's? Phillie's? The new baby on the way's? YES.  Life is a test. You aren't going to get out of it without a little discomfort...but the moments that change us, that define us, that make us better, are the moments that we turn to him in prayer and ask for understanding, for knowledge, and for the power to make it better...and He will always help us and deliver because he didn't mean for us to go through this life alone. He sent us a Savior, or brother and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, the make the ultimate sacrifice, to suffer ALL things, so we could not only have an example to look to when times get rough, but also so we can turn to him as an advocate as we pray in His name for help.

We will be alright because we are on the Lord's side. We will be alright because we have faith that he will help us bear this burden.

His yoke is easy and his burden is light.

How comforting? Don't you agree?

Could I choose to take an attitude of loneliness, that I am doing this alone, that I have no help, that no one understands? Yes, I can. But I choose not to. I choose the yoke of Jesus. I choose to believe that I have a brother and father in heaven that are looking out for me and my babies and that they will get us through this, one step at a time.

The pediatrician is going to talk to the local developmental psychologist. The local guy is affiliated with my pediatrician's office, but does most of his work up at a clinic at the university that he runs training future developmental psychologists...the problem? That clinic, because it isn't completely run by licensed doctors, is not covered by insurance. They do have a sliding fee scale, and I'm not sure where we fall on that, but in talking to a friend that didn't qualify for any of the monetary assistance up there, I know that, without help from the sliding fee scale, or insurance, we are looking at $2500 to do the testing up there. Unfortunately, we cannot afford that kind of money. I made this clear to my pediatrician. They are going to ask the local guy if he would be willing to do all or part of the testing at the office instead of the clinic so that insurance could cover most of it. We will see how he responds. If he says he will only do the work at the clinic, we will gt a referral to Primary Children's Hospital and see a specialist there.

One way or another, we will see someone, we will get answers, and we will move forward.

In other news:

Had my 16 week appointment (at 17 weeks) We don't get to find out the gender of the gummy bear until the day before Valentine's Day...sheer TORTURE for me... since we're in the midst of closing on the house, and I have NO little baby stuff ( I sold it all before the move to Wyoming since we wouldn't have a place to store it and I didn't know when we would need it again) I am a little concerned about being able to afford everything we will need for the new baby. Daily, I make mental lists and note how much the items will cost... Car seats have REALLY gone up in price since we bought our first one in 2011...HOLY COW! I've had some people suggest buying a used one, but I refuse to buy a used car seat. The American Academy of Pediatrics warns how unsafe it is. The plastic bends and deteriorates over time. You don't know what kind of drivers the previous owners have been, and they can tell you that it was never in an accident, when in reality it was in a "little" rear end collision that they didn't think was notable (as an example.)  I choose safety... even if safety is going to cost us $150 or more *gulp*

I do plan on utilizing yard sales and consignment stores to buy clothing items, so I know in that way, I will save.

We also either need to buy another toddler bed to move Phillie into or another crib so the new baby will have a place to sleep...we will cross that bridge when the time comes. Fortunately, we still have our pack and play with the bassinet and newborn napper attachment that we scored at a yard sale before we had Phillie and the baby can sleep in that for a while, but I always prefer to move them into a crib (since its sturdier) once they're no longer in the room with me (Jeff usually moves them into their own room around 2-3 months because he's spent 2-3 months with a wife who hasn't slept a wink since every little noise wakes her up...LOL...he says he does it for my sanity, but I think he does it for his best interests as well...)

We will also need a new baby monitor. I am currently trying to decide if its worth the extra money to get the video monitor...I definitely know I want a digital one this time since there is less chance of interference and static...and I know that will set us back $50-90 depending on the brand we buy (unless I can find a used one...)

All in all...things are going well with the pregnancy. The diabetes still sucks. I still hate giving myself shots at night, and I REALLY hate that I feel like I have to make 2-3 separate meals most of the time because I can't have what everyone wants.  I will admit that we're probably eating out more than we should, but that has more to do with the fact that I'm exhausted at the end of the day and REALLY not in the mood to cook 2 different meals or 1 meal with a separate option for sides for myself... but I'm getting better at it, and being back in the meal planning game has helped a lot.

I'm smaller this pregnancy than I've been with either of my other pregnancies by this near halfway mark... its fun sometimes because I think of how much less weight I will have to lose after I have the baby...but other times it stinks bigtime because I feel like I don't look pregnant, I just look fat...but I push those thoughts away as soon as I have them. This mamma ain't got no time for negativity.

I got into a fight with our ottoman on Saturday night about 2 minutes after Jeff got home. We thought my toe or my foot was broken, but I waited to go in until Sunday morning when things still weren't better. The doc at the instacare was shocked to see on the x-rays that it wasn't broken. He said its probably just a REALLY bad sprain. They gave me a boot to wear when I have to go outside the house for long periods of time or when I have to be up and about for a long period, to stabilize my foot so I can walk... long story short- Ottoman 1...Brittany 0...I get to spend the next 2-3 weeks limping around in my boot until things feel better. YAY... Oh well, at least its not broken, right? Less time in the boot and I will (hopefully) be back on my feet sooner than I would have if it had been broken.

Jeff is still loving his job. He travels frequently (which is hard for me, but we get paid very well for him to do it, which makes it easier to meet our goals to pay off debt faster or to have some money to spare for savings.) He has a bitter, nasty cold right now. The poor guy really wanted to stay home today...and he does have PTO time saved up, so he could have, but he is being so awesome and being a trooper so that we can have the PTO time for after the baby gets here, or in case we need to take it to take Faith to Salt Lake for testing.

We are currently trying to plan our Valentine's Day. We are debating getting a hotel and going out of town, but I have NO CLUE who we will leave the kids with when we do it...I'm thinking we may need to plan it for after Valentine's Day so we don't intrude upon one of our sibling's festivities so we can get away. If we make it out- Expect a post! LOL  Jeff and I never had a honeymoon, we thought it would be best to save the money, so we are looking forward to the idea of a weekend away with just the two of us.

Phillie is ADORABLE...as usual...no surprise there. The Divine Cupcake has perfect chubby, cherub cheeks that I can't help but want to kiss as much as possible.  She is talking up a storm.  Not sure if I already told this story here or not, but the other day, I was sitting on the couch, exhausted and tired. My eyes were closed...the little stinker pulled herself up on the couch, plopped herself into my lap and grabbed my cheeks. I looked up into her hazel/blue eyes and she said, "How you doin'?"  I said, "I'm doing fine, my love, how are you?" She sighed and looked up like she was mimicking her tired mamma and said, "I good"...and then proceeded to give me tons of kisses and loves.

Yesterday, we were getting in the car to go home after going to the store to pick up a few things. I buckled her in and she smiled at me and grabbed my cheeks and said, "I yove you (I love you)" and gave me a big kiss. I smiled and said I love you back and kissed her back...but she kept holding onto my cheeks...and she said it again, "Yove you" and gave me a kiss...I said it back and squeezed her...but she still didn't let go...she did this 4 times...I guess she REALLY wanted to get the point across that she loved me...and I was SO tired...I definitely needed to hear it. I love how she always seems to say what I need to hear.  She talks so randomly, and never when you ask her to say anything...but when she does talk, she definitely makes it worth hearing.

She was NOT happy at the doctor's office today. She wanted to go out in the waiting room and play with the other kids...sorry poppet, not an option without someone to watch you. She screamed for the first 10 minutes we were in the room. Bless our pediatrician's nurse. She was so patient and kind about it all.  I finally calmed her down with a fruit roll up that I'd left in the diaper bag after church on Sunday.  Needless to say, 1 flu shot later (she got her flu shot booster today while sissy was getting her vaccinations updated), she was out like a light in the car as we went to go get daddy for lunch....and now she won't go down for her nap...I hear her screaming "Yay" and "Wee!" from her bedroom as I'm typing this and wonder if I should go in to check on them and stop whatever it is they're doing...however, I also know that i put all the toys in the closet, so chances are, Faith has once again turned Phillie's bed into a trampoline with guard rails to hold onto and Phillie is enjoying being bounced up and down over and over again as Faith jumps, completely unaware that she is actually playing with her sister.

Faith had 2 shots and was a trooper as well. They EARNED those french fries we got with lunch...LOL
(Hi, my name is Brittany and I feed my kids cholesterol filled, fattening foods...and I really don't care what people think about it. ha ha. If it makes those of you that are completely disgusted feel any better, I will be sure to give them some fruit with dinner...it all evens out, right?)

Lunch was short today...too short. But it was nice to see Jeff and enjoy some time with my hunky man. He really is the sexiest man alive...I should notify People magazine that they were WAY off last year when they picked whoever they picked (I think it was Adam Lavigne from Maroon 5... I don't really pay too much attention, since I know they're always going to be wrong.) My favorite look of his is the smile he gets on his face when he is completely amused by something the kids are doing...that smile would sell dirt on the bottom of some designer shoes... seriously, model potential.

Anywhoo, darlings. Onward and upward. Life continues to move forward. No sense in stopping to wallow in the hard stuff because it just makes it take longer to get through.

Stay positive, stay prayerful, and know that I love you, wherever you are, whoever you are, for actually caring about my random life stories (and maybe you just love my meal plans and deal with the random stories in between...but thanks for that too.) Thank you for your prayers and warm thoughts. They have been felt.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.