Fatherhood

As Father's Day has been approaching, I have found myself reflecting on my courtship with my sweet husband.

Had I known all that I do now, I think many of my fears would have been abated, but hind sight is always 20/20.

However, as I have reflected, as I have thought about how silly my fears were I have come to one astounding conclusion: My then fiancee was quietly demonstrating his manhood as we approached our temple date...he was showing me the kind of father he would someday be...and I, clueless, had to watch and wait until almost 4 years later to truly understand the scope of what had occurred during our whirlwind courtship and engagement.

I found this video on the Mormon Channel on Youtube as I had been searching for the best, most inspiring Father's Day tribute I could find.

As I watched and tears came to my eyes, I realized I was sobbing because my heart was full of love for my own dear husband. I knew from his previous actions that should we be in a similar situation to Elder Christofferson's parents, he would do exactly the same thing. He would make the necessary sacrifices to ensure the happiness of me and my children...because he does it every day...because he did it while we were dating and engaged.

Let me take you back almost 4 years.

A few weeks before Jeff met me, he broke up with a young woman he'd been dating for a few  months. There were other reasons that went into ending the relationship, but one of the biggest factors had been his schooling. He was approaching the hardest semester of his program...the "make or break" semester. Many in his challenging RSCET program ended up failing and repeating this semester, some several times.

Jeff knew that he emotionally, physically, and mentally didn't have the capacity to foster any "romantic" relationships as he completed this particular semester. He even quit his part time job, a job he quite enjoyed, in order to focus his attention 100% on school and this particular semester.

When we met, there were no fireworks, no instant attraction. I thought Jeff seemed like a nice fellow and he thought I was a show off but saw that I was kind and didn't discount the possibility of me being one of his many friends that he already had in our single's ward.

It wasn't until a few weeks after we met that I became smitten. Jeff knew that he needed time for fun, and had actually come to my apartment one night in pursuit of one of my roommates. He was intending to ask her on a date. They were running partners, he thought she was a nice girl, and he didn't want to be all work and no play. He figured it would be worth it to ask her out....however, she wasn't there that night. Instead, myself and my other roommate, a recently returned sister missionary that he had been friends with before her mission, entertained him. Eventually, my roommate went to study and Jeff and I were left at my kitchen table discussing everything from life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. I became intrigued by him as we discussed what we saw for our futures, I became smitten when I realized that our dating goals were similar and that we both had similar outlooks on what made relationships successful or broke them. His blue eyes sparkled as he talked about his education and we shared jokes.

I finally had to end our conversation and kick him out of my apartment at 1 AM. I had an early call time for rehearsal the next day...I didn't want him to leave. I could have talked to him all night, but I couldn't.  As he left, I went to bed knowing that I was completely twitterpated. This feeling made me nervous and happy all at once. He had made it clear during our conversation that he was focusing on school this semester and that dating someone seriously was going to be out of the question.  I decided and resolved to try to keep my crush a secret in order to avoid being hurt, but my roommates were intuitive and figured it out and banded together to get Jeff to at least ask me out on a date...

Our first date was a small disaster....but that is a story for another day...

What came next is probably a small miracle.

For some reason, Jeff, who had resolved not to pursue anything, continued to call and ask to spend time with me...and I, who had been offended deeply on our first date, found it in my heart to forgive him and to pursue a friendship... and then, our friendship started to evolve and change...before either of us realized it, we were dating...no talk defining the relationship occurred...we just liked each other and weren't pursuing spending time with anyone else.

During this time, unbeknownst to me, Jeff, who had always made it clear that he wasn't interested in marriage until he finished school, decided that he was going to propose...

He went to a local jeweler that was located inside a store that many of his friends would frequent. He had it in his mind that if he ran into anyone he knew, it would be a sign not to continue in his purchase of the ring...Nobody came...and a simple, modest engagement ring was procured...he then made the ultimate sacrifice.

In spite of much of our time together being focused on him studying, he was struggling that semester. He knew he couldn't be engaged and in school...Jeff made the hard choice to withdraw from his big, hard class that semester and to focus the majority of his attention on me, our relationship, and our impending engagement.

I have to laugh at myself when I think of the conversation that occurred after he made this choice and made his sacrifice.

We went to a CES fireside together on Sunday, it was (surprise, surprise) Elder Holland talking about marriage. As we listened to Elder Holland, we wrote notes back and forth. As our conversation progressed, I started to become nervous and scared. I had been to this point before in relationships and had come out hurt, confused, and alone.

The next day, we didn't see one another, I was busy with school. We texted back and forth and made plans to go to steak night at a local sports bar that served a cheap steak dinner every Tuesday. Dinner was pleasant, but my fears bubbled beneath the surface the whole time. I knew I was falling fast and hard for this young man and I didn't want to be hurt, especially knowing how determined he was to finish this semester. I didn't want to ultimately be deemed a distraction and liability and left alone...Finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore and on the car ride home we started discussing my fears and feelings. We pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex (we lived in the same complex a few apartments away from one another), and he held my hand as I cried and offered him his "out"...I told him that I loved him, I knew I loved him, it was terrifying me...But I loved him enough to know what his aspirations and goals were and that if I was in the way of him pursuing his goals, he needed to end it now before I got in any deeper than I was. He held me as I sobbed (UGLY SOBBED) into his shoulder and laughed. He quietly reassured me the if he had wanted out, he wouldn't have continued to pursue me and that he wouldn't have made the sacrifices he had made to continue to see me...I didn't understand the depth of those sacrifices until much later. It wasn't until after we were engaged that I would find out that he had dropped his classes.

He played this sacrifice off as a choice he had made because he was already getting poor grades and knew there was no way he would be able to recover with the time left in the semester...it wasn't until we had been married a few years that he divulged the sacrifice, sheepishly...and I couldn't have loved him more for it...

I could kick myself for doubting him as our courtship progressed knowing what I know now...

He was laying the foundation for our future relationship. He knew that one day, I would be required to make large sacrifices for him and our family, and he knew that this would be the first of many...he truly loved me... I sometimes wish I'd seen it sooner, but it makes me appreciate him and our relationship all the more now.

I, unknowingly, stumbled into a relationship with someone who understood what it meant to be a man, a husband, and, someday a father.

He knew and knows that true love means sacrifice. Some sacrifices, like repeating that semester of school, are big...He didn't ask for accolades or a grand gesture in return. He didn't make a big announcement. He quietly chose to make the sacrifice and trusted that I would bear with him through the consequences of that sacrifice...that I loved him enough to wait patiently as it took longer for him to finish his schooling...

Some sacrifices, like the ones he makes every day are small.

He comes home, tired from a day of work, or travel and snaps quickly and quietly into husband and daddy mode. I'm sure all he wants to do is hide in a corner somewhere to regain his strength and senses, but he walks through the door, accepts the eager hugs and kisses of our sweet babies, plays with them and meets their needs, kisses his tired, haggered wife- who probably not feeling so attractive after a day of housework and child rearing... and asks "What can I do to help?"

He could choose to sit in the corner- he knows I would let him for as long as I could stand it. He knows I would make that sacrifice of a little more of my sanity for him...but he chooses to sacrifice a little of his every day...

The big sacrifice was made so that he could demonstrate his ability to himself and to me to make the little sacrifices that we would need to grow together.

If I could give my girls any advice when it comes to dating in the future, if I could tell them how to know if a young man truly loves them, I would tell them to look to their father and his example.

True love means sacrifice.True love isn't selfish, and true love doesn't require rewards and grand gestures to acknowledge that sacrifice has been made.

I would tell them to look to see what that young man has sacrificed for them. Does he have a servant's heart? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to be sure that their relationship is being fostered to slowly grow and change into something more...can they openly express their fears and know that he won't use those fears against them? Will he, like their father, give up his own comfort momentarily in order to help them when they have no strength left?

They may not see it all at once, but their father really is a "true man"... He works every day to be more like his Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ. He quietly gives them love, strength, and sacrifice.

He is the best father they could ask for...I know, and he knows, that one day they will, without meaning it, tell them they "hate" him, he knows that his sacrifices won't always go noticed, but he has faith that he will be rewarded later on with the same courtesy and love he has shown them and me. He has faith that God will reward him for his efforts to be a good provider and for the sacrifices he makes in order to ensure their happiness and his.

Should we someday have a son, I can only pray that he will be able to glean from his father's example to become as wonderful a man as Jeff is.

Happy Father's Day, Jeff.

I love you more every day, with every sacrifice big or small. I only pray I can repay you in kind for all the kindness,love, respect, and sacrifices you have given me. Your small sacrifices don't go unnoticed. I wish I remembered to say more often how much every little thing you do means to me.  I couldn't ask for a better husband or father for my children.

I often tell you that my world doesn't work without you in it, and I mean that with my whole heart. Your small sacrifices allow me the chance to recoup my strength and make me a better person and a better mom. I hope that you can say the same about me, and if you can't, I hope that I can grow to become better so that you are made stronger and better by me.

I love you. Thank you for choosing me and for continuing to choose me every day. I will be grateful every day that you made that choice and continue to.

Together...Forever.

Baby Steps/Update/Joy In the Journey

I know, its been a few weeks.

There are good reasons its been a few weeks... so let's update.

Almost 2 weeks ago, we got a very unexpected call from the director of the Cache Humane Society.  He heard that we had been contemplating and looking for a dog to use as an emotional support/service dog for Faith. Because she responds so well to animals, we knew it would be a good thing for her, but weren't having much luck finding a dog that fit into the price range we could afford. We knew we could handle the month to month upkeep, but even the shelter here wanted $150 for a dog, and when you couple that with the necessities of a dog that will be mostly indoors (a kennel, toys, food, veterinary care, etc.) it just wasn't working out.

The director of the shelter decided that he wanted to do a service for us and give us the right dog for a price we could afford. He suggested we come by the shelter to meet a dog that had been in the shelter for a while, but seemed like she would fit our needs, a Jack Russell Terrier named Ripzy. We decided it wouldn't hurt anything to go down and meet this dog they were suggesting and possibly meet other dogs that could interest us.

We met Ripzy and I was very impressed. She was very sweet and very kind with the girls. She was so kind that even Phillie, who had been terrified of dogs since our last experience at the shelter when she was knocked over by a very enthusiastic 1 year old hound cross, was IN LOVE! We didn't have time to meet any other dogs because Jeff needed to go back to work,but I was already sold because of how stellar this dog was with the kids. Jeff needed a bit of convincing. My husband, the avid outdoorsman he is, really wanted a dog that he could take hunting and that had a bit more energy. The director of the shelter offered to put her on hold for us for 24 hours so we could think about it...and after a day of debate back and forth (literally, we spent all day talking about it...the joy of instant messaging and cell phones with texting), we decided we would do it. We knew that we weren't going to get another chance to pick how much we paid for a dog, let alone a great dog that was already housetrained (supposedly, we had a few accidents, but I think we're almost over that battle after going back to strict crate training for a few days) and was so gentle with the kids.

We made a deal with the shelter and paid for the cost of her microchip and then went to get the rest of the stuff she needed. We definitely have been blessed.  I did have a few days last week where I wondered if we should take her back. She started developing some nervous ticks around the girls, I think she just wasn't sure about what she was reading off of them, and coupling that with her refusal to eat and some accidents in the house when we'd had a good first few days, I was wondering if she was a good fit for us, but we weren't a good fit for her.

After bouncing pros and cons back and forth with my awesome husband (seriously, he is the greatest. He just knows how to get me to think through things differently and give me the perspectives I need to make a decision I can feel good about), we decided that, for better or worse, Ripzy, now called Pixie since its easier for Phillie to say, is a part of our family now.

As suspected, Faith has already made some HUGE strides because of Pixie's presence. She is already babbling more, she sits and babbles at Pixie, petting her and trying to get her attention to play. She brings toys and food to share with Pixie (something she would NEVER do with another kid or even an adult), and last night was the cutest thing ever (of course, as soon as I brought my phone out to record it she stopped)- she actually had a book out and was  trying to show Pixie different pictures, babbling about everything she was pointing at in the book.

I'm hoping to eventually train Pixie to help calm Faith during her meltdowns (which shouldn't be hard since she innately has already started going to Faith to investigate why she is crying and tries to snuggle up close to her), and I'm hoping that as Faith sees us get Pixie to do tricks using hand symbols and word commands that she will give them a whirl too...since we've also had a few heart in my throat episodes where Faith has gotten out of the house (toddler door knob guards have been purchased and are working), I'm also hoping to train Pixie to alert us when Faith is leaving the house unattended. We will see how it goes. I grew up raising, breeding, and training dogs...we will see if I am a little over confident in my training skills.

For now, we are perfectly happy to see Faith making progress and that Pixie's mere presence is causing some huge shifts for us. To anyone on the outside looking in, they would still see an almost 3 year old who is still non verbal, but to us, who live with her every day, we see the shift from barely making any noise at all to wanting to babble at her new furry friend and are VERY encouraged.

In this picture, Faith has meticulously placed her favorite stuffed dog next to our napping Pixie...she likes to sleep a lot...but she is also getting over kennel cough (its like bronchitis for dogs, she picked it up in the shelter and, while she has been treated for it, we have to wait for it to run the rest of its course), so I chalk most of it off to her not feeling well. She does play, you just have to catch her in the mood. Jeff is probably the best at getting her to play and actually had a very amusing play session with her the other night. I couldn't help but laugh as he got her to play tug of war with her rope toy. He was getting such a kick out of it...I think he has been converted and has even said what a great dog she is and that we would likely never find another one like her.

I have tried on multiple occasions to get pictures of her and the girls together. Phillie likes to walk right up to her grab Pixie's face, and put her nose to Pixies and give her kisses calling her "baby" and babbling her version of baby talk at her...its ADORABLE...but of course, as soon as the camera comes out, it stops. Faith likes to stand next to her and gently pat her when she is feeling overwhelmed and she is CONSTANTLY trying to snuggle up next to her on the couch...we have had a "nipping" incident last night. Faith did something that hurt Pixie(we didn't see...) but before tears that came with her holding a nipped hand, we heard a painful yelp from the dog, so we couldn't really be mad at Pixie for defending herself.  We just took her to her kennel and said "no biting" and Jeff took Faith upstairs because she was FURIOUS that we'd decided to put Pixie away... I was worried that Faith would be afraid of her after it, but this morning, she was even more eager to be sure that she gave Pixie loves and patted her VERY gently, as if to say she was sorry. I would imagine it is likely the first and LAST time a little nip would ever happen. She didn't break the skin, so I know Pixie was trying to be as gentle as possible. It was just her way to say "Ouch, you're hurting me. Stop!"

Beyond adding a dog to the mix, I spent some time last week in the hospital.

Wednesday night last week, out of nowhere, everything started spinning and it wouldn't stop. We tested my blood sugar to be sure it wasn't that my sugars were too low or too high, but they were normal, I drank water to do a kick count and also in case it was dehydration...Jeff was so sweet and kept vigil over me. After about an hour of waiting for it to go away, he eventually suggested that maybe I was  just overly tired from a very full day and practically carried me up the stairs for bed...I seriously couldn't walk in a straight line. When my eyes were open, everything was spinning and when they were closed, it felt like I was physically still spinning. I started getting very nauseous from all the non-existent spinning and the only way to help was keeping my eyes closed. I went to sleep, praying it would be better in the morning, but had no such luck.

After some discussion, Jeff called his mom to come watch the girls and took me to the ER.  After lots of tests, an MRI, and monitoring the baby to be sure she was okay and what was affecting me wasn't hurting her, we were given the diagnosis of unexplained Vertigo. I had/have no signs of infection, so they couldn't chalk it off to an ear infection or sinus infection, the MRI showed that none of the pregnancy related issues that could cause it were causing it...

Of course, because I am pregnant, they couldn't REALLY treat it because the medicine they needed to give to get the spinning to stop right away is Category C... After a day in the hospital, they sent me home with Meclazine, a motion sickness pill to try to help with the nausea and some of the dizziness, and orders to rest until it goes away.

So far, I've had several "spinning" spells, since I came home. All I can do is lay down, take a Meclazine and wait...which has been interesting with two toddlers to say the least...especially when one of those toddlers is Autistic and is having a VERY bad day where she is just overwhelmed by any and all sensory input (like the day before yesterday...)

Fortunately, the day after that VERY BAD day, we had a session with our Occupational Therapist, and she gave me some strategies to help Faith feel more grounded and less like she needs to control her environment by checking out and avoiding any engagement in activities that I'd tried to divert her attention from her melt downs.

The OT said that Faith was just likely very overwhelmed from a poor night of sleep and that she was seeking to feel grounded and was trying to accomplish this by ignoring everything around her and doing activities that allowed her to focus on one thing at a time...this meant that touching her, trying to get her to eat, trying to get her to go take a nap, everything we normally do was just too much. She suggested getting Faith to do "animal walks" getting her to crawl on all fours, wiggle on the floor like a worm, or crawl on her hands with her feet on the ground...she said it may seem counter intuitive at first since she doesn't want to be touched or engaged, but if you can, hand over hand, start the activity, she will sense that it's what her body needs and start to become active in it. She demonstrated, and I was amazed by how FAST Faith started to do the activity and how eagerly she kept going even after our OT had stopped doing it with her. The OT says the ultimate goal is for Faith to engage in these activities long enough that she gets a sensation similar to the one that we would get after a good long workout. She also showed me some pressure/holding techniques that would help her feel grounded as well... even the OT marvelled at how much Faith seemed to "need" the pressure/holding, and she was even having a decent day that day...

She is going to bring us a weighted blanket so we can try it before we buy one, in hopes that it will help curb her sleep problems and that we will have fewer "bad" days in the future.


In other news...in spite of our "bad days", I still have cuteness like the picture below going on in my house, so, I can't complain too much...even when I feel like poop and have to spend hours on the couch waiting for the world to stop spinning...

It may be a crazy life...it may not be easy (but what worth having is easy?) but I am blessed to be living it. It makes me a better person, it makes me closer to my Father in Heaven as I turn to Him for comfort and counsel, and it brings me closer to my husband as we work as a team to make it all happen. At the end of the day, all I can do is have courage enough to try again tomorrow and have faith that it will continue to get better. And with God on my side, the support of my awesome husband, and angels who hear about our random needs and deliver (like the Cache Humane Society, thanks again guys!) I know it will.

I often tell my friends that are struggling that if my experiences of late have taught me anything, its that our mantra in life should be "baby steps are still steps."  Progression is still progression. We keep moving forward and if we do all that we can do, God will make up for the rest that we can't and we will eventually reach our destination...and there will be MANY destinations in this earthly life...each destination is a jumping off point for a new journey. You can be dragged kicking and screaming from one blessing to the next or you can choose to have faith in the baby steps and find joy in the journey...I don't always choose joy...but I am working on making my choice joy every day. Eventually, I will get it right.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

While you were sleeping

Its 8:00 PM and my house is silent. I'm sitting here wishing I could sleep, completely drained and exhausted, but I have no such luck...

The cupcake in my belly is being very indecisive. One hour she wants to come and for the next 2 the constant, steady contractions go away...

In between periods of pain, I take a moment to drink in the pleasure around me.

I look at my sweet, loving husband. So dedicated, strong, smart, loving and amazing...he too is exhausted...every time I get out of bed to walk around to alleviate pain or to use the restroom, he stirs.  He doesn't say it, but I know he is on edge...its in his nature to be at the ready, waiting for when he's needed...its such a blessing. His handsome features are casting perfect shadows in the darkness next to me, and I am completely at peace knowing he is there. I am so blessed...

I make the trip across our townhouse to the other bedroom and check on my Little Diva...she is usually asleep with her little bum up in the air, her face buried in her comforter. I pull it gently from underneath her to make sure she is able to breathe and find her pacifier. I rest it next to her head so she can find it easily if and when she wakes up.  Its frustrating, but she still isn't sleeping through the night. I've tried everything, but to no avail.

We will have a few nights here and there where I miraculously get a full night's rest, but for the most part I hear her cries and end up relenting after about 10 or 15 minutes, and give her a bottle to get her back down...after attempting for a week to let her cry it out, I've just figured out that I get more sleep if I give her a bottle when I know she won't go back down on her own...there are those precious nights where I get lucky, she will find her pacifier next to her head where I left it, and lull herself back to sleep again...so I listen and wait...hoping that if I have a late night full of contractions she will surprise me and slumber peacefully.

However, as I pull the comforter out from underneath of her head, I always look down and marvel at her, and remind myself how lucky I am that she is mine.Once upon a time, she was only a dream...an unattainable dream...so was Jeff...and here I am in such a short time getting everything I had prayed for and more.

We may not have a lot of money in the bank, we may not be able to take fancy trips, and we may not be able to buy all the gadgets and gizmos that everyone says we must have...but we have each other...there is a "we"...Its crazy to think that 2 years ago when I was meeting Jeff for the first time I was convinced that it was always just going to be "me"...that I would have to find other ways to make my life fulfilled and happy because marriage and babies just weren't in the cards...Heavenly Father must have been laughing so hard.

The contractions are back...not super strong, I'm not even sure that they're steady, I'm not really timing them...for now my unattainable dream is waiting for Faith's best friend to arrive...thinking that its going to take a miracle and medical intervention to finally bring her here...but, she's coming...she will be a part of the "we"...she will be another perfect little creature to marvel at in the still of the night, another testament of not only my sweet husband's love and devotion, but the love of a wonderful Father in Heaven.

Life gets hard...I've experienced my share of bumpy roads, but if I can testify to anything its this truth:  God will always bless us. He loves us.  We may not get what we want right away, but if we are patient in our trials and wait for him to reveal our course, in due time we will see brilliant light...our lives will be illuminated.

Try not to be bogged down by what you don't have, you will fail to see the amazing things He is giving you as you read this.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

Anxiety

Sitting here in the family waiting room...all by myself. Part of me is wishing I hadn't taken my visiting teacher up on her offer to babysit today...at least I would have SOMEONE...anyone...

I look down at my left hand, Jeff's wedding band around my thumb. I'll twist and turn it around my finger every now and again. I think back to sitting with him before they took him to surgery... his reaction was so funny...he kept looking down at his naked finger and seemed completely off-put by the fact that there is nothing there...

Part of me chuckles...I think back to when we were first getting married and he asked if I would be okay with him not having a wedding band, or wearing it on a chain around his neck, claiming that he was just not a "jewelry" kind of guy...I won out...and now, he obviously feels naked without it.

I know the surgery is fairly routine and straight forward...but I still worry.

I waited a long time for my prince charming...and having him be sick, even a little bit, shakes me to my very core.

Its so funny...I was very independent before I got married. I was capable of taking care of myself with very little assistance from anyone. Of course, my family was always there, and I was grateful for that...but ultimately, I knew that the only person I could rely on was me...

Fast forward almost 2 years and I honestly can't picture a life without this crazy, amazing, wonderful, funny guy...the thought of not having him around brings me to tears.

What would I do without him?  How would I go on? The pain those thoughts bring is almost unimaginable.

Losing Jeff has moved to the top of my biggest fears list.

I watched what my mom went through after my dad died when I was twelve...until now, I don't think I've ever been able to fully grasp just how much pain, and terror she was living with on a daily basis. It makes me even more grateful for her.  She may not think she was very strong, but the reality is, if it took me this long to really even remotely understand what she was going through, she was hiding it well.

Its so funny how one person can change everything you think you know about yourself.  Maybe I'm just a worry wart, but I believe my early experiences with death have made me a little more aware of just how real the possibility that someone may not be there the next day could be.  Every day that Jeff wakes up and kisses me on the forehead is a day that I pray and thank God that he is still here...

and he's not even sick (other than the hernia he is currently in surgery for)...he is usually so healthy and strong.

So....here I sit...waiting for the moment where I get to say a silent prayer and thank my Heavenly Father that I still have such a wonderful man in my life, and that my babies still get the chance to spend time with their amazing and wonderful dad...

He was terrified to be a father- I think most men are at first- he even said that he didn't know what to do with a baby...the truth that most women know is that no one really knows until they're in it, you figure it out as you go along...Well, he's figured it out beautifully. He is so wonderful with our Little Diva...he knows just what to do to make her laugh and smile, and she cannot get enough of her daddy. She has him wrapped around her little finger, and he has her heart...its a good exchange.

I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple. I am grateful that I know that my husband and I have the opportunity to be together forever as long as we live up to our covenants to each other and God.

Heaven just wouldn't be heaven without Jeff there...

I know we're working on forever...but I wouldn't mind another 100 years here to enjoy him.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

Valen-times....

We started off the morning with more frustration as I attempted to get the videos of my makeup tutorial to load up to Youtube...why was it so easy to load when I was trying to load it all as one video, only to find out that it was too long (after I'd waited like 45 minutes for it to upload...hooray)  I'm still no closer...sorry guys. I get close, but then my husband asks me to cancel it so he can have bandwidth to play Modern Warfare 3...and because I love him so darn much, and its only 45% uploaded (usually that's about where I get) I relent and cancel...

I WILL get the tutorial up and running if its the last thing I do!  Especially because I'd like to do more...it gives me something to look forward to when I'm bored.  I'm really bummed I couldn't get it up before Valentine's Day, y'all would have been looking super hot with your vintage vixen makeup for your hot dates...

Alas...I relent...

After giving up on Youtube...Faith and I decided to do a photoshoot for her online dating profile...you know, she's getting up there in age- almost 4 months old...she's single and ready to mingle everyone!

Here's what we came up with:

Hi there! So often in this life we're told to "hold on to faith." Well, what if you had the opportunity to literally do that...because you could hold on to me...and my name is Faith!  I enjoy tummy time, my ba-ba, singing to my mobile friends, smiling, and playing "Point to the Parts of the Face" with my mommy.

I do a great "Super Grover" impersonation (as you can see), and love Elmo!  I'm looking for someone to babble with, as my mommy insists that I am a great "conversationalist" (whatever that means...but she always says it when I start making sounds and mimicking the way her mouth moves- Does anyone else think this learning to talk thing is tough?)

So, if you think you could be the baby for me, just have your mom call my mom.  I think a playdate would definitely be in order...Happy Valentine's Day...


After we finished her profile, I started making these bad boys...a part of  Jeff's Valentine's present...they were super easy to make, and Jeff got a kick out of them when he found them ( I don't think he thought I was serious about them...hmmm) I think the picture is pretty self-explanatory as to what they are...

Then I set up a "Love Hunt" the idea was courtesy of "the Dating Divas".  You can read the entry and find the downloads for it here.  For those of you who don't want to follow the link to figure out what a love hunt is, I'll give you the short version: Its basically a scavenger hunt where your husband has to go find clues in succession, but before he gets to read the new clue, he has to complete the task that you attach to the top. For example, one of the tasks (and my favorite) was that Jeff had to slow dance with me to our song.  Jeff always laughs when I ask him to dance with me, but he always gives in because I think he knows that I think its the most romantic way to spend time together...Believe me, dancing together last night did NOT disappoint. I couldn't get our song to work on my iTunes on my computer and he went ahead and found it on Youtube so we could dance to it. (For those of you wondering, our song is "I Cross My Heart" by George Strait... it was the first song we ever danced to...in the living room of his apartment at the Collegiate Inn...he laughed and thought I was silly when I asked him to dance then too...LOL)

I happened to leave my little morning crafting excursion with the last task and clue, with a little note to make the rest of my evening's plans work.

After the Love Hunt was all set up, I went about cutting out tons of scrapbook paper hearts for my decorations with a desperate speed! (I was running out of time, and I needed to get myself ready still!) In spite of my rush...I think things turned out pretty well...what do y'all think?

I realized after our shopping excursion on Monday that I had forgotten toothpicks...which happen to be a crucial part of making Filet Mignon...which was what Jeff said had gotten his attention when I was naming things I could make for Valentine's Day. I texted Jeff and told him to pick some up on his way home from work, along with some sparkling cider of some variety (a necessity for one of the tasks for the Love Hunt). I also told him to warn me when he was on his way home from the store...the original plan was to draw him a bubble bath so he could soak while I made dinner, but the Little Diva wasn't cooperating...she chose Valentine's Day to turn into the Teething Monster x100! She wouldn't let me put her down, if I did, she screamed...she wouldn't take a nap...she just wanted to be up in my lap.  I managed to get her down to sleep long enough so that I could watch this Youtube video and transform myself into THIS:

Behold the 2012 Modern Vintage Bombshell!

(I did change some of the colors on the makeup. I didn't want to do a red lip, and I didn't have as dark a "coppery" color for the eyeshadow and ended up using gold instead, but I think I looked pretty darn good.)

Then...little miss grumpy pants (AKA Little Diva) woke up and decided to scream until I picked her up. Daddy called about then, and so we sat and waited, (daddy's bath was sadly not going to be an option because someone had to hold the Princess while mamma cooked dinner) looking like this:

Sorry...I didn't manage to get any pictures with My Man last night. Between trying to get baby to sleep and trying to get the festivities underway it just didn't happen. I will say that it was a lovely night and was enjoyed thoroughly- especially because last year we didn't get to celebrate it because Jeff had an evening class. 

Its soooo crazy to think how fast time has flown.  Last year at Valentine's Day, I wasn't even pregnant yet (or if I was, I didn't know it). This year,we have a baby and another one on the way.  It just goes to show how fast this life passes us by. I hope that, single, dating or married, you spent some time with people you care about, whether they be friends, family, or a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.  Cherish every little moment, you may look back and wish you'd paid a bit more attention.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

An Evening In...

Jeff had wanted to take me out to dinner (which by default would have included the little diva)...he had wanted to take me out to dinner, but these days I seem to run out of steam much faster than I used to....and the nausea...oh the nausea...it likes to creep up and ruin our best laid plans.

We were at the store shopping for the coveted Gatorade powder (which we found, it was the LAST can available in the store...teaches us to shop for things like Gatorade the day before the Super Bowl.) Here is a transcription of our conversation.

Jeff: You look like you don't feel good.
Me: (forcing smile) I'll live
Jeff: Liar...are you sure you want to go out tonight.
Me: You wanted to take me out.
Jeff: Yeah, but you don't look like you feel good. What would you like to do...TRUTH
Me: ...(pausing, thinking)...the honest to goodness truth...I'd prefer to just lay at home in our room on our bed and watch movies.
Jeff: (smiling and chuckling) To be honest, I would rather do that too.
Me: Okay, then its settled.
Jeff: Do we have everything we needed here?
Me:(half joking) Do you want to go look through the $5 movie bin?
Jeff: Alright lets go...I'm serious, let's go look.

We then proceeded to the $5 movie bin.

Jeff picked up Dragonheart...great movie, haven't seen it in a while...sold...I picked up Get Smart...also great movie I hadn't seen in a while...sold...

OF COURSE...as we were getting to walk away I HAD to notice it out of the corner of my eye...one of the greatest fairy tale adaptations of all time...HOODWINKED!  I picked it up and looked at Jeff...he gave me his puppy dog face...the face that says, "I know we shouldn't, but we're going to anyway."

So...instead of walking out with one or even 2 movies, we walked out with 3... Jeff commented on our way out of the store that we were on our way to an awesome movie marathon...I smiled and nodded in agreement.

Well, the movie marathon didn't exactly happen last night. We did watch Dragonheart.  Just as good as I remembered it FYI...we also ate really, really yummy frozen pizza.

In our house its ONLY DiGiorno...there are no substitutes. We decided to try the new pull apart breadstick pizza.  We are both wishing we'd picked a few more up because they were on sale for $4.99.  It was SOOOOOOOOO GOOD!  We both agreed that it was on par with some of our favorite pizza joints (and surpassed some of them too.) I highly recommend it. The dipping sauces throw it over the top.

Well...since I didn't want my red lips to go to waste (I did my make up extra super specially with the idea that we were going to a fancy steak house in mind.) I pulled out the camera...witness the Nielson Family Night In Shenanigans!

Our best "Vogue" pose...super model stardom, here we come...

Faith didn't quite get the pose down for our best "Allure" pose, but she will get there before they shoot the spread....

Here I'm trying to get her to smile...our best "Seventeen" look...but of course she reverted back to "Glamour" before I could snap the picture... 

She was playing with her mobile,but now she wants the camera...

She still wants the camera...

Back to happy singing to her friends on her mobile. 

Another attempt at a "Seventeen" pose...we almost made it...we could call it "Teen Vogue" right?

Daddy wanted in on the action...BLUE STEEL!

I told daddy to smile...Faith turned around to tell him to stop being so silly....

All in all, it was an okay night (even with a side of nausea! LOL) I love my little family. I am so blessed to have them. I won't pretend for a minute that I'm not.  I read other blogs where they are dealing with the loss of a child,or a spouse and my heart aches. All I can do is pray is that I never have to know that pain,and that my dear husband will never have to know that pain either, I couldn't imagine it. I have dealt with the loss of my father as a tween, and I don't know how I would get through a loss like that again.

My heart goes out to all of you that are struggling right now. I know that your trials may feel like they are going to last for forever, but (as someone who has lived through some pretty hard times) I can promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will find peace.  Remember that you are not alone. Remember there is a loving God and a loving older brother in Jesus Christ who, although it may not seem like it at times, are there waiting for you to open the door so they can wrap you in their arms and carry you through the worst storms imaginable.

Know that, even if I don't know you personally, I pray for you every night. I pray for all those that struggle, I pray that I may be able to be the answer to someone's prayer, I pray for you to find peace and the answers that you seek. I truly believe that God, with the help of our loving Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ, through the power of the Atonement, can heal all wounds. It will take time, and some days you will feel like someone has poured vinegar or lemon juice into them and rubbed it around, but the sting will pass. Days will get better, easier, life will be "livable". You aren't given anything that you can't handle without God's help.

Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you
Seek me and ye shall find me
Ask and ye shall receive
Knock and it shall be opened unto you.

Remember that you have to do part of the work. Faith is an action verb. You have to meet God halfway, and this scripture proves it.  He will never leave you helpless.

Hugs and much love darlings! (P.S> Happy Super Bowl!...I must confess that ,as my 'Niners didn't make it, I am slightly bitter and will not watch the game based on principle. However, I hope those of you that are partying it up are safe, happy, and have a lovely day!)

Our First Year

I had originally been planning to wait until closer to the end of the year to make this video and post it, but I knew that with the big move to Vegas looming over our heads, and an unpredictable little munchkin who sometimes likes to be attached to mom like peanut butter to bread, I had to take advantage of some free time to get it made up and posted for everyone.

Its amazing how fast time flies. Its hard to believe that we've been married a little over a year, and even harder to believe that this year is already getting ready to come to a close.

Everyone told me that being pregnant would seem like it took forever, but I can honestly say that my pregnancy seemed to go so fast...granted, I did deliver almost a month early; however, I have to say that I honestly feel like it was such a short time ago that I learned that Faith was on her way to our family, its hard to imagine that she spent the better part of the year in my belly. She also has fit so perfectly into our family that its hard to remember what it was like before she came. We are truly blessed to have such a beautiful little girl and truly blessed to have each other.

Jeffry Lee, you are truly my soul mate. I love you more and more every day. No matter what you think, I know that you are the most handsome man on the planet, and the sexiest man alive (People magazine can say that its someone else every year but they will never convince me that anyone is more handsome or sexier than you!) Thank you for just being plain awesome. You make life so much more enriching and better.

So, enjoy the video- just a picture montage of our first year together set to music.

I have to give props to the artist: Mindy Gledhill from her album Anchor

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!