Thoughts on Motherhood and Being a Daughter of Heavenly Parents

I love this girl....

Its hard to believe that she is on the verge of 10 months old. She is getting big so fast. I think that her rapid growth is made even more apparent because I have this girl not so far ahead of her.

I think having 2 babies under the age of 2 really has a way of highlighting just how fast this life really moves.

I have been so grateful for the chance to watch them grow and meet different milestones.

I am so grateful for Phillie, who has met so many milestones early and in a roundabout way, has helped her sister. Phillie's early speech abilities were one of the things that finally got people to agree with me when I said that I just felt like something wasn't right with Faith.

Slowly, but surely, I have been blessed to watch how the love of a sister/best friend for life can transform a person.  Through watching Phillie, Faith has made some HUGE strides recently. She still doesn't say mamma or daddy, but she has learned how to say "uh oh" and, through watching Phillie's ability to be able to get down from her high chair by saying "I'm done,"  Faith has started saying "Dah" (done) and giving the hand gesture that I have been trying for MONTHS to teach her to do.  I know that she learned it from Phillie, because the first time she did it was right after Phillie did it and I was in the middle of taking Phillie down from her high chair. Faith shouted "Dah", did the hand sign, stood up in her high chair, and tried to crawl down all by herself (almost giving me a heart attack as an almost 4 foot drop wouldn't have been pleasant for either of us....we've since learned that we say we're done and WAIT for mamma)

I've also watched Faith in this last week or two spending more time in our world as opposed to "her world"...the place where she doesn't make eye contact with us, doesn't want attention, just wants to be left alone to do her own thing...

We stayed in Idaho Falls with my sister for about half a week and that helped a lot. Faith has started trying to participate when we watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVDs. She doesn't say the words, but she will chirp out different vowel sounds. For example, Mickey will say, "Let's count ___________" and proceed to count something. Faith will, right on cue, chirp out "uh, uh, uh" as many times as there are numbers to count. This is also encouraged because Phillie has started to participate with the shows as well. This morning I was gobsmacked when Mickey asked "Do you wanna come to my clubhouse?" and Phillie excitedly shouted "OKAY!"  and then she tried to say "Meeska Mooska Mickey Mouse!" (the magic words to make the clubhouse appear.  Faith giggled the whole time and then tried to get Phillie to count with her when they were counting the muffins that Minnie had made...

It has been so fun to watch as Faith comes out of her shell more and more to spend time with and enjoy her baby sister. I find them doing this a lot lately:

(Of course, they had to turn to look at me taking the picture, but they were happily playing with their wooden block, maze toy thingie...best Christmas present we could have gotten them last year, that is for sure. They LOVE it.)

Faith has also been starting to open up with me a little more as we've been pushing a little bit to get her to to pay attention to the fact that we are in the room with her. I have spent a lot of time on the floor over the last month trying to interact with her and teach her things. I think it may be starting to pay off.

On Friday, as I carried her down the stairs after her morning nap I gave her a kiss. She was looking away from me, off in her own little world. I patted her back and said ,"Hey Faith, I love you. Do you love me?" She never made eye contact once, but she also didn't skip a beat. She leaned in and gave me her first "real" kiss...not one of those ones where her mouth was wide open, but one where she actually puckered her lips and kissed...but as fast as the moment came it was gone. However, I was so grateful for the moment...a moment where I was able to see that she does understand some of what I'm saying to her. It melted my heart, and for the rest of the day I cherished every fleeting moment where she would look up at me and smile, or even just come to sit in my lap while she did her own thing.

Today I have been thinking a lot about our Heavenly Mother...we know that we have one. I have to wonder how often I make her feel like I feel when I'm trying to take care of Faith. How often am I not relying on her and Heavenly Father? How often do I forget them and that they love me and want to talk to me? How often do I stay in my own little world, not realizing or thinking about them there, waiting for me to tell them what I need?

I thought of how I have been handling the hard times with Faith...I know that she is learning. She is just slower than other kids to recognize certain social signals and she does try to communicate, but sometimes she is so frustrated that she is just crying and crying and doesn't remember what she wanted in the first place.  Its at those times that I just pull her in, give her hugs and kisses and try my best to calm the storm.

I think our Heavenly Parents are like us...that's the reason we get the blessing of being parents in this life...so we can understand our calling for the next life.

They remember that we're learning and growing, and hope that we will learn to come to them before we're so frustrated or lost that we don't know where we first needed assistance...

Maybe parenting is a lesson to learn to be more patient with ourselves? Maybe we are blessed with family units here so that we can become more aware of our relationship to God and Heavenly Mother?

I know that as I've thought about it today, I can think of times even in the last week that I should have gone to my Heavenly Parents to communicate and ask for help sooner...and I can think of times that I went to them right away and I was blessed with what I needed...

I hope and pray to be as wonderful a mother to my children as my Heavenly Mother is to me. I'm sure she is there, conversing with Heavenly Father, making sure that we get the love and comfort we need.

A friend of mine once said that maybe the comforting presence of the Holy Ghost is our Heavenly Mother whispering in our ears...

I'm not sure if that is the case, its definitely not scripture, (especially because we know that the Holy Ghost truly is a personage of spirit...)  but it is a nice thought. Its nice to think of our Heavenly Mother bringing us a sense of peace and comfort, as sure as our earthly mother's arms surrounding us in a big hug.

All I know is this: If the smile of me and her other children brings my Heavenly Mother as much joy as the smiles of my girls bring me... I should be making more of an effort to bring those smiles to pass...to bring the comfort and peace and joy to others that our Heavenly Mother cannot physically bring on her own right now as we are in this mortal existence.

I also know that I need to be more patient with myself...as surely as I know my sweet babies are a work in progress and that they are learning all they can, as fast as they can, I can be gentle with myself and remember that I too am a work in progress... if we were supposed to be absolutely perfect in this life, then we wouldn't have needed a Savior.

I am slowly but surely learning how the Atonement truly works as I parent my children...maybe one day, I will have it a little better figured out...

All I can say is that, as I have thought about myself as a daughter of our Heavenly Father and Mother and contemplated how I'm doing...I know that I still have a lot of work to do...but isn't it nice that there is time.

Yes- its fast...too fast...the rapid growth of my two babies only marks that fact even more...but if they have time to learn how to walk, talk, how to read social cues, how to tell right from wrong, and commune with their Savior and Father in Heaven, then I certainly still have enough time to get better at the last few things and try to master them before my time on this earth is done. If they can do hard things like learning how to walk and talk, I can do something like learn how to make my prayers more meaningful and how to forge a relationship with my Heavenly Father...

Something to think about...

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings...

The Art of Being Alone...

Jeff had to leave on Tuesday afternoon for Rock Springs, WY to start his new job for the oil company Schlumberger...

We're on day 2 of my life as a not single, single mom.

Yesterday wasn't too bad because I was INCREDIBLY busy. I sold one of our cribs (much faster than I thought I would) so that we wouldn't have to take it with us when we are all able to be together again.( Side Note: Faith has been ready for a big girl bed for a while, and we do have one for her, we just couldn't put it up because the girls have been sleeping in my mother in law's sewing room and we didn't feel it would be safe or smart to let her have the new found freedom of being able to get up and down from bed all by herself in a room filled with pins, sewing needles and other goodies that could hurt her quite a bit... ) and I also sold all of my NB to 3-6 month baby clothes. (We definitely want another baby, I am ready now...but since I'm not pregnant and we have no clue when or if we will be blessed again, I didn't want to cart all of the baby clothes only to have to find a place to store them for who knows how long.) and I taught voice lessons. Later on in the day, I went through clothes, did laundry...

When I was busy I was fine...but its when I have a few minutes to sit down it was hard not to wish that Jeff was going to come walking through the front door at 5 PM to give me a big hug and kiss and ask me what was for dinner...

Its sad that its taken only 2 and 1/2 days for me to realize that there is a real art to being alone.

I had it mastered, once upon a time...its hard to believe that it was only almost 3 years ago that I was a master in "aloneness"...(if that's even a word) It seems like light years away. I have taken a lot of time in the last few days to wonder how I did it... I know I am dealing with two totally different situations. A single young woman who is trying to chase a dream is much, much different than a mother of two babies under the age of two.

I have come to the conclusion that I just didn't take time to stop... I was teaching at the university, I was singing with opera companies, I was taking voice lessons, I was heavily involved in school opera productions, I had a private voice studio and I was taking time to cook culinary masterpieces...I just kept going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny...

The BIG problem with trying to utilize this fantastic art in a new way?  Well...I like to call those problems the Little Diva and the Divine Cupcake...and, let's be honest, they aren't really problems...they are the two sweetest, most adorable baby girls on the planet.

I can't "Energizer Bunny" my way through life because if I keep going and going, I won't take time to stop and enjoy those little moments that I can't get back...moments when my girls are being so incredibly sweet and adorable that I just can't stand it.

For example, I was incredibly disappointed that yesterday in all my "Energizer Bunny-ing", trying to get everything done, I almost missed a huge milestone for the Cupcake...she has now started saying "thank you" when you hand her something she likes.

When she started doing it yesterday morning, I kind of thought it was a fluke. I saved her sippy from Faith (who decided that she ABSOLUTELY had to have both of them) and handed it back to her and she chirped "tankoo"...I was kind of taken aback..was it real? Was it random babbling that coincidentally sounded like she was thanking me?  I decided to sit back and watch. If she was really saying thank you, she would do it again...

Sure enough, she said it 4 more times...Of course, I was kicking myself because I wasn't able to sit and gush and fawn over her and how proud I was of her for learning a new trick...I had to teach voice lessons, I had to take a crib apart, I had to do laundry...

Ultimately, I am learning that I need to relearn how to be alone when I'm not alone...if that even makes sense. I need to be able to keep busy without sacrificing those sweet moments with my girls...I need to figure out how to take care of everything so we can move and still have time for them...

I guess I didn't have it mastered after all.

In the end, I am comforted by the knowledge that Heavenly Father is going to make up for my lack of mastery of the art of being alone. He will provide a way for me to accomplish everything I need to before Jeff finds the right place and decides that its time for us to join him in Rock Springs. He will also provide those moments to ground me and pull me back so that I don't miss too much of the sweet things my girls do while I am learning how to handle this new situation...

We are opening a new chapter and we are adjusting to it. Life is a constant adjustment. We are constantly learning, changing and growing- that's what we're supposed to do.

I figure, as long as my girls stay healthy and happy and my marriage is strong, we are successfully navigating the bumps and obstacles that life throws at us.

I won't lie. I have been SPOILED to have such a lovely, wonderful man in my life. Jeff has made it possible for me to be able to be home with my girls. He is such a good daddy. We ALL miss him right now.

Poor Phillie has been asking for Jeff constantly since yesterday afternoon. She crawls around and calls out "daddy"...and all day today when she has been crying and distressed she hasn't been calling for me, she has been calling for him. Since Faith isn't communicating verbally right now, I'm not really sure how she is dealing with missing her daddy. She seems her happy self, but she definitely has been more of a little monster when it comes time to go to bed and she has been trying to do things that normally daddy would nip in the bud right away.

and I find myself getting a little weepy whenever I have time to sit down and think about how much I miss him.

The bright side: Jeff did find an apartment and we technically should have the money to move in right away...however, we are weighing our options because Jeff wants to be sure that he likes the job and that it is worth moving all of us there for. The other problem is that Jeff isn't supposed to get a day off until the 19th of July. If we tried to move right away, I would have to do it all myself and make all the arrangements to get all of our stuff from point A to point B...

We need to figure out if its going to more stressful to be apart or more stressful to try to deal with one another being cranky so I can move right away (and we would likely be cranky because I would be stressed and Jeff would be cranky because he would be stressed, since I'm stressed and there is nothing he can do to change it.)

We're going to give it a week and then decide (at least that is the plan as of last night...this morning we were talking about me moving next week when his dad will be here and able to help... we will have to keep you posted on that one. LOL)

All in all, life has been interesting and boring and crazy...just like its supposed to be.

Now I get to begin the struggle of balancing my "Energizer Bunny" self with my "mommy and wife" self...should be an interesting experiment.

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings!

The Gift of a Friend

Today I finally got a phone call from my state's early intervention program. We finished the first part of the evaluation last Wednesday, and hadn't heard back from them after their meeting on Thursday like we thought we would. I had been left feeling confused and frustrated. The evaluator had seemed concerned at some points on the interview but for the most part, it was hard to read anything that was going in her head from her expressions and I was left wondering if I was taking crazy pills again and that I was being overly concerned for my Little Diva...

Well, the  results were less than stellar...overall Faith barely eeked in the the 3rd percentile- they prefer kids to have an overall score of 15th percentile to 85th percentile...her biggest trouble areas being socio- emotional development (not even scoring in the 1st percentile) and communication (again, not even in the 1st percentile.) They are coming back on Friday to do one more round of evaluations to check her sensory perception and adaptation skills and then we will know more.

Overall, dealing with getting the help we need for Faith has been on both ends of the spectrum to the very best to the very worst...you start to doubt yourself and your intuition as family members and friends seem to say over and over again that you're just being overly concerned and kids will do things on their own time. While I have been grateful for their opinions and experiences, I knew that what I was dealing with was vastly different than a child who didn't start using words beyong mamma, dadda, yes, and no until they were well after their second birthday...I have been dealing with a child who desperately wants to communicate with me and just doesn't understand how to do it...I've never heard her call me "mamma", or her daddy "dadda", she doesn't say yes, or no, she either tries desperately to get herself what she needs and then has a melt down because she isn't tall enough or strong enough, or has a meltdown because she is trying to signal what she needs and I don't understand right away...its also been hard to watch Phillie learn how to do these things (say  mamma, dadda, yes, no, I'm done...etc.) and know that it truly was that Faith just didn't "get it".

However, what can be said is that this evaluation, and the evaluations we will have in the future as we reach for a possible diagnosis of what is causing her delays, is that it doesn't change anything. Our Little Diva is still the same sweet, lovable, curious, stinker little princess that you will ever come across. She still loves me fiercely in spite of not being able to call me "mom", and she still wants desperately to do things that "big kids" do.  What will change? What will change is me and my husband...through this experience I am looking forward to becoming exactly the parent that Faith needs in order to be as successful as she can be no matter what...

Who knows, 6 months down the road may find us in a much better place with Faith finally able to communicate her needs verbally, and it may not...but no matter what down the road holds- I love her and any medical diagnoses and labels that she may receive will not change the fact that she is a child of God, and, while she is here on earth, I am lucky to have the chance to  be her caretaker and advocate against a world that seems to be getting crueler and harder by the minute.

This morning, after I shared the test results with him, Jeff made a statement that has been in the back of my mind and a point that brings me peace...he said, "Well, we can do everything we can for her, but I think a lot of the progress she makes is going to be because of Phillie."

My sweet Phillie doll, my Divine Cupcake...she wants so badly to be a part of her big sister's world. She has become a daredevil in the past few weeks, all because she wants to be where Faith is. She wants to smile at her, she wants Faith to recognize that she is there. Last Sunday, her attempts landed her in the ER with a dislocated elbow- that's right, our sweet little 9 month old chunk of sunshine is willing to risk bodily injury to do what Faith is doing and to be close to her...

(P.S. Notice Faith's new "do"...she decided that  marshmallow would be the perfect hair accessory. In spite of my best efforts at using EVERYTHING I could to get it out, I ended up having to cut it out, leaving me no choice other than cutting 3 inches of hair off and giving her a cute little bob...Jeff says she looks like a mini Kindergartener, I somewhat agree. I was happy that she sat still so I could cut it myself. Its not a perfect haircut, but its even and looks halfway decent, so I can't complain. We just didn't have money to go and pay for someone to do it.)

From the minute I found out that Phillie was unexpectedly on her way to join our family, I looked down at Faith's sweet little 2 month old face and wondered how I was going to be able to do it. Surely, this was a mistake...but that thought was fleeting...God does not make mistakes. I came to understand as I dealt with the hardship of being heavily pregnant and having to pick up and carry around another baby that there was a bond, a special connection that my girls had. That they would need one another more than I would ever know.

Over the last few months, as I've been reaching out to try to get Faith the help she needs, I have been able to witness that bond- even if it has seemed one sided and that Phillie was the only one interested in forging it here in this earthly life...Phillie's close age to her sister and her fierce desire to be her best friend and companion are truly a gift from God. During the last few days, Phillie has had some successful moments where she has been able to draw Faith out of her own little world and into a world with her.  She will babble or say a word and Faith will smile and say it back or try to babble back the sounds Phillie is making. Phillie will smile and get excited, making her noises like a monster and Faith will giggle...while these moments are fleeting and short, I treasure them because I know that Phillie is going to be the key to reaching Faith and communicating with her.

I know that seems like an awfully large responsibility to place on a 9 month old, but as surely as I believe that Faith accepted this trial of being delayed in certain areas of development, I fully believe that Phillie asked Heavenly Father if she could be here to help her and support her through her struggles, and God, being a good father, accepted that request. There is no doubt in my mind that they were best friends in their pre-mortal existence and they did all they could to make sure they would be able to continue that bond and help each other navigate through a tough world.

What a blessing it is to have the gift of a friend from day 1 and an innate desire to serve them and associate with them.

One of Faith's favorite movies is Tinkerbell and the Lost Treasure. Throughout the movie, as Tinkerbell journeys to find the lost Mirror of Encanta, she realizes her shortcomings and what true friendship really is- that its more about what you can do for one another as opposed to what people can do for you...the theme song to the movie describes my girls and their relationship so perfectly.

"The world comes to life, and everything's right 

From beginning to end 

When you have a friend by your side

That helps you to find

The beauty you are when you open your heart

And believe in

The gift of a friend."

How blessed am I to be able to witness something so special? I love my girls and I am eager to move forward, start the next chapter and become a better mom for them.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

I Love You Forever

I open my car door and step out into the light rain. The cool, wet droplets feel like they are doing a little dance on my skin. I open the passenger door behind mine to the sight that most parents don't know if they should dread or welcome- Faith is out like a light...

One of two things will happen at this point:

1) As soon as my hands hit the buckles, she will open her eyes, scream in protest and then refuse to take a nap as soon as I get her in the house.

2) magic...(well to me)...

Today, I was lucky- it was that "magic" moment- the one where my busy, into everything toddler who hates to cuddle, wakes up for a moment and then quickly falls right back to sleep and I get to do the one thing I always long to do, cuddle her close, kiss her sweet plump cheek and rock her back and forth.

Right around 5 or 6 months old, the Little Diva stopped being "cuddly". She wouldn't have it. She was content to sit on my lap, but if I tried to snuggle her I was met with protesting whines and cries and a wriggling little body that I would about drop. After the wriggling, I had no choice but to put her down and let her lay on her belly looking at the world.

and that is the way its been ever since...except for these magical moments...

I won't lie, most of the time it feels like the Little Diva is in her own little world. I struggle often with communicating with her because she isn't speaking yet, and its hard because when she does need stuff I don't hear her calling out for "mamma", I hear cries of frustration and rage because she can't do whatever she is trying to do by herself. She does come to me, in rare moments during the day because she wants me to read her a book, or sit in my lap for a minute or two while we watch a video.  I miss feeling close to her like I did when she was a little baby.  Don't get me wrong, I have moments where I just can't get over how cute she is- but I long to be close to her and see what she sees in the way she is seeing it.

So moments like this rare occurrence getting her out of the car are moments where I am reminded just how much she needs me, how safe she feels with me...and that regardless of how distant she seems, I am always going to be her mommy. 

I often think of the book I Love You Forever ...the story of a mom who would pick up her little boy after he was asleep and rock him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth saying:

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Of course, my eyes get wet and misty and I almost can't hold the tears back...I read that book a million times before I became a mom  and never got misty eyed, and now I TOTALLY get it...

Its those rare moments, when you can be close to them like you were when they were the tiniest they ever were, that you can breathe and forget pulling them out of making a mess in the pantry for the umpteenth time or pulling all of the tissues out of the box, or throwing a huge fit because you won't give them the sucker that they got at the bank right away, and remember that you are their mommy. That they love you and that, no matter what, its your job to love them back.

I will NEVER regret being a mom. I will NEVER regret giving up a "brilliant future" as an opera star (according to some), I will NEVER regret staying home and using my time to take care of my children's every need instead of working at a 9 to 5 somewhere to make money to buy myself pretty things...

the reality is THEY ARE THE BEST AND BIGGEST GIFT I COULD HAVE EVER BEEN GIVEN.

You can give yourself all the reasons in the world not to be a mother,I'm sure I have friends that could have rattled off long lists on my behalf of reasons I should have put off having a baby, but the bottom line is, there are so many more reasons WHY I decided to be a mom. 

There will never be enough money, there will always be something to stress you out, but I can guarantee to you, that even when life has been its toughest, through the little smiles and giggles of my sweet girls as they learn and discover the world I have been able to forget about the stresses and have they have made my toughest days a million times better.

I am so lucky and blessed to be a mom. I remember sitting in a doctor's office in high school, and being told that I would likely never have children, or if I did, it would be very hard to get pregnant. I never could shake it off...I remember being in tears when I told my husband of 3 months that I thought we should think about starting to try because of what this doctor had said and because I had a feeling we needed to...and the relief when he concurred and agreed that the spirit was directing him in the same way, and that I shouldn't worry because we would adopt all the children we wanted to if having them naturally wasn't an option... and the jubilation when I reached that 12 week mark of my first pregnancy and knew that, barring extraordinary circumstances, everything would be okay.

Motherhood, regardless of how you are blessed to be a mother, is  a special gift from God. 

When I look at my nieces and nephew, I think back to when they were little and when I was lucky enough to nanny for them and I realize that I was SO BLESSED to have sisters and a brother who let me be so involved in the lives of their little ones. For the longest time, I thought that this was the only way I would ever get to experience motherhood. Through my time with them, I learned so much and I know my kids will be told that they should be so grateful to their aunts and uncle for letting me have those experiences, because they made me a better mom when it was my turn to have the sacred title of "mother".  

EVERY WOMAN, REGARDLESS OF HER FERTILITY, HER MARRIAGE STATUS, AND HER CAREER, HAS THE CAPACITY TO BE A MOTHER.  I have had so many "moms" in my life...and their presence and example has made me so much better.

So, as I hold my Little Diva tight, give her a kiss, rock her and gently put her in her bed. I know I made the right decision to let her into my life. 

I survey the scene in the room next to mine. Two little angels, sleeping peacefully in their cribs.  Last week, we had to take the bumpers out of the Cupcake's crib because she wanted to be able to look out at her sister.  She has so much love for her older sister that I feel some assurance. We may be struggling with communicating with Faith right now, but I know that Phillie will always be looking for the bridge to go into Faith's world and bring her back. They need one another.  Its as I have mothered them together that I have truly come to understand why Heavenly Father would make them 10 months apart. They need one another, they always will...because, in loving one another, they will be prepared for greater love down the road. In nurturing one another, they will be prepared to nurture someone else.

I am a woman. I am a mother to little women...so, when the wriggling commences and they refuse to sit still, I will make mental notes to enjoy the times when they will...the times when I can be reminded just how much I have to teach them, and how much I have to learn.

Hugs and Loves until Next Time Darlings!

Better than a Restaurant: Stuffed Crust Pizza

Okay....

I know its super easy to call Dominos or Pizza Hut, make an order and wait for the delivery guy...

But, given our current employment situation (or lack thereof) a pizza delivery is just a luxury that we can't afford...

So, I ask you, WHY pay $20 for something that you can make for around $5-7 at home (depending on the amount of ingredients you use)?  Plus...if you make it at home, you get the added peace of mind that comes from knowing exactly what ingredients are in the foods you're eating....

So, without further ado, I give you the one recipe that will make you want to forget about calling for a pizza delivery (at least my husband thinks so...and he is practically a food critic...)

So...here comes your picture tutorial!

You WANT to start your sauce first- the longer it gets to simmer, the more flavorful it will be.

Into your blender you want to place:
1 15 oz can diced tomatoes (juice and all)
1 tsp of sugar
1/4 tsp oregano
1/4 tsp basil
1/4 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp garlic powder (or 1 clove garlic minced...)
1/4 tsp salt
1/8 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp lemon juice

Blend until smooth, then place into a sauce pan and add 1 bay leaf. Heat on medium low heat...

You will want this sauce to simmer for a minimum of 20 minutes (but you'll get a good 30 minutes while  you prepare the dough...)

So...while this simmers...let's make some dough!

place 3/4 cup warm water (not too hot, we don't want to kill the yeast), 1 TBS yeast, and 1 TBS sugar in a large-ish mixing bowl. Let it sit until the yeast starts to bubble (like in the picture below.) Take this time to preheat your oven to 350.

(It will take anywhere from 3-5 minutes for the yeast to bubble, the bubbling means that its activated, alive, and feeding on the sugar.) Once its bubbling, use your handy 3/4 cup to put 1 scoop of flour into the water. Mix well and then add another 3/4 cup (that's right you will need 1 1/2 c flour in total) Slowly adding the flour like this and mixing well in between scoops will make it so you barely have to knead the dough at all to make it smooth.  Once the flour is as mixed as you can get it with your plastic spatula/wooden spoon/whatever...comes the fun part (because the messy part of cooking is always the funnest part...) Get your hands in there and make sure that the flour is completely worked into the dough and the dough is smooth.

Once the dough is smooth, let it sit for a few minutes, the less you handle it, the more chance the yeast has to work its magic quickly to make the dough fluffy (like 5 or 10), it will be slightly sticky and that is totally okay... It should look something like this:

Now that its rested, roll out your dough. Create a round and go to town...I usually just spray my pizza pan and roll the dough out directly on it. You will want the rolled dough to have edges that go a 1/4 inch off of the pizza pan.

 (Adding sarcasm) Now here comes the REALLY hard part...
You are going to take some string cheese sticks out of their individual packets and cut them in half lengthwise (my 14 inch pizza pan needed 4 1/2 of them) and place them on the outside of of the pan on top of the dough.

 Then comes the tricky part of the hard part...you're going to roll the excess dough edge over the top of the string cheese and pat the edge down into the inside of the dough circle to close off the cheesy goodness so it can't escape during the cooking process.

 After the cheese is safely secured, take a handy dandy fork and poke holes in the middle of the circle to keep the dough from bubbling up as it cooks.

 Then, sprinkle garlic powder and parmesan cheese over the crust as evenly as possible, all the way out to the edges.

 Place the crust in the preheated oven and let it bake for 15 minutes. It will not be completely golden brown, but it will be cooked enough that it can hold up against whatever toppings you throw at it.

 Meanwhile, your sauce should be reduced enough to use on the crust. It should be thick enough that when you run your spoon through the pan, it leaves an open spot for a little while before the liquid redistributes itself, like so... Remove the Bay leaf and pour it over your now baked crust.

 Put a thin layer of toppings over the sauce....

 Then the cheese...and another thin layer of toppings (too thick and you won't be able to pick it up to eat it.)

 Crank your oven up to 400-425( if your oven runs hot, you probably only want to use 400) let it cook for another 12-15 minutes until the crust is golden brown and the cheese is bubbled up and slightly browned. and VOILA! Pizza deliciousness!

*Note- you can use tomato sauce instead of canned diced tomatoes...for a more robust sauce, you can use italian stewed tomatoes instead of regular diced.
**Another note- I used a colby jack cheese, but my husband prefers this dish with mozzarella, we just didn't happen to have any in the fridge. For a more "restaurant style" pizza, you probably want to use mozzarella, but if your kids and family are anything like mine, pizza is pizza, no matter what cheese you use. Jeff still ate it and thought it was delicious regardless of the cheese choice.
*** Another Another note- use whatever toppings your little heart desires. We just always happen to have pepperoni on hand (my 18 month old LOVES it as a snack) and that happened to be ALL we had on hand tonight. I would have loved to add some bell peppers, olives and mushrooms to make an almost supreme pizza...
****Another Another Another note- if you don't have string cheese, you don't HAVE to do stuffed crust with this recipe, just take the dough edge to the end of your pan or take it out the 1/4 inch and roll it over to give a more "bready" end to knaw on if you happen to be a family that LOVES their crust...

Bon Appetit until next time!!!

So Many Things to Worry About, So Little Time

Well...we have officially been living the unemployment nightmare for a month...

I guess nightmare isn't the right word to describe it, because I have seen the tender mercies of the Lord.. its hasn't been all bad.

The same week that Jeff got laid off I got 5 new voice students and I have managed to book photo shoots. We have been able to use that money to pay for small essentials and some "fun"... I know the Lord is there, its just tough when the "big" needs in the overall scheme of things haven't been taken care of yet.

I have enjoyed the extra time with Jeff and so have the girls. We've been able to go on picnics and snuggle up and watch movies together...

I guess its more of a nerve wracking situation than a nightmare because we are literally down to the last bit of money in the bank account, unemployment payments haven't been approved yet and we need to find some way to pay our bills next month and do other important things like...eat...

We went to the temple tonight, and while I was assured that help would come, I am getting more and more stressed by the day waiting and wondering.

I try to focus on the girls and keeping them happy and healthy...which brings me to my next worry...

The Little Diva is not talking...she babbles but says no words. No "mamma", no "dadda"...nothing.  Which makes for some very frustrating points in the day.

Some people had told me that I was just being silly and that things would work themselves out, but I just couldn't shake my "mommy senses" as they tingled.

Finally, other friends who have dealt with similar issues suggested that I get in touch with the Infant/Toddler program for our state.  I went to their website and filled out the assessment paperwork and waited...

Finally, last week, I got a call back.

They said that there is definitely cause for concern and have started the ball rolling...

The lady I talked to today was surprised that my pediatrician back in Las Vegas didn't get the ball rolling after her 1 year well check when she wasn't saying simple words like "mamma" and "dadda"...I still love Dr. Carrie, and I honestly believe that she was hoping that it was a developmental delay due to the Little Diva's prematurity, but at this point it can't be denied...

No words, she doesn't respond when we call her name, only super loud noises get her attention and even then she seems to have selective hearing, and she totally ignores other kids when they try to play with her.

She is still sweet as can be, its just frustrating that when she is doing something she shouldn't be doing (like this afternoon when she was climbing up on her wooden block bead maze toy thing and trying to sit on top of it) and I can't just call out "no" or her name to get her to stop...I have to physically stop what I'm doing and remove her from whatever temptation has beguiled her...which isn't easy when what I am physically doing is changing her little sister's diaper or making a bottle...

When it comes right down to it, I am so grateful that the Infant/Toddler program exists and I have good friends who directed me towards them...but now it opens a whole new list of troubles...

Like wondering when Medicaid will come through for the girls...one of the things they want is a physician to sign off on the treatment and interventions they are doing and we don't have insurance...HOORAY...more money to spend that we don't have...

I asked the gal who called me today if the doctor's office would let me wait to pay if Medicaid would back pay the claim. She said that it would likely be a situation where we would have to pay out of pocket to see the doc and then wait for a reimbursement check...let me direct your attention to one of the first few lines when I said that we are quickly running out of funds...

At this point, after going to the temple, I pretty much know that all I can do is pray... pray for comfort, pray that the doctor's office will let us wait to pay for the appointment, pray that Jeff gets a job, pray that the doctors and therapists will be able to pinpoint what is going on with Faith so we can learn how to communicate with her better...

I'm sorry that I am such a Debbie Downer right now... I really am working to try to snap myself out of it.


I'm at the end of my rope, friends. I'm just going to tie a knot in the end and hang on...

I am going to breathe and remind myself that the light will come, my burdens will be lifted, and we will be blessed for our time in the trenches of trial...

I just wish that the relief would get here sooner rather than later...

But if wishes were kisses, we'd all be getting action, am I right?

So...let's count my blessings, shall we?

1) We're all alive and kicking...SCORE ONE FOR US!

2) I get the luxury of snuggling with my husband any time all day long...better take advantage of that one often, because with any luck, that won't be a readily available luxury anymore.

3) I have two of the most beautiful babies on the planet.

4) I am in contact with the people I need to be in contact with to figure out how to help Faith and me communicate better/at all.

5) I have voice students and photo shoots bringing in a small amount of income to help cover incidentals

6) We are doing everything we can to change our situation. Jeff is on his computer most of the day looking for jobs and applying for them...it will have to bring us something good eventually, right?

7) We have a roof over our heads (even though I am SO ready to be done living with Jeff's parents...they have been great- I just REALLY need my own space...soon)

8) We have good friends who have been sending job tips, support, and prayers our way (Thank you. We love you! If you find it in your heart, please, keep it coming).

9) I have Jeff to whine to and to hold me when I sob like a baby...I know I couldn't do this alone.

10) Jesus loves me (and in a tight spot, I think He is the best person to have in my corner..)

Well...so starts the journey to communicating with my beautiful Little Diva...and so continues the journey to find out where we're supposed to be.

If you have been praying for us, thank you. Please keep it up. Somedays the only thing that keeps me going is knowing we have people praying on our behalf...

I know that this will be a small tear in the grand scheme of things. I realize that there is a lesson we need to learn here and that the Lord is trying to get us on the path he wants us on...believe me, we are ready and willing...we just need him to open the darn door!

I WILL COUNT MY BLESSINGS AND I AM GOING TO SUFFER WITH A SMILE EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings! (P.S. I promise, I won't let me next post be so Debbie Downerish...I just needed to write and get this off my chest...)

A Much Needed Weekend

I am currently laying on the bed of an executive suite at The Meadows at Parkwood Apartments in Idaho Falls. As I lay here, I am thinking of how much we needed this weekend...

Sadly, the family fun was cut short a bit because my brother Aaron and his wife Holly had to pack up their kids early and head back to Boise because of car troubles. They needed her parents, who were on their way back from Utah, to follow them in case they broke down. I can happily report that they made it back home safely. Love you Aaron and Holly, we were glad to see you and your kiddies, even if it wasn't for as long as we'd hope.

I would make this a post full of "family fun" that we've had this weekend, but much of yesterday was spent waiting to take family pictures and chasing my 18 month old away from the stairs at my older sister's house... We have had a nice, relaxing visit...which brings me to the topic of my post...

While seeing family has been the purpose of our weekend visit to Idaho Falls from Preston, I think there was a much bigger goal accomplished...

I think we needed a change of pace, a change of scenery and a chance to just relax and breathe for 5 minutes.

Poor Jeff, my superhero, has been spending pretty much every day of the last three weeks filling out job applications and glued to the LDS jobs website, the state employment department website, and Craig's List looking for jobs that he is qualified for and can apply for. He probably has sent out well over 150-175 resumes and likely filled out 75-100 extra applications... and the poor guy has probably dealt with more rejection than he ever thought he would in his entire life.

I am happy to report that he hasn't once opened his computer to look at job listings (at least not that I'm aware of.) He has just allowed himself to sit, relax and play with the girls, and play a little Starcraft here and there.

Last night I went to bed so physically exhausted I could barely see straight and woke up feeling still so exhausted that my entire body felt heavy. All afternoon as we were with family I was longing for the comfort of the bed in this little executive suite because I just wanted to sleep and relax... something I haven't let myself do because I have been worrying so much.

Jeff mentioned that he was feeling the same way. Just exhausted... but actually feeling like he was getting a chance to relax and take a break from worry and stress.

In some ways, I feel like we've turned a corner. It almost feels like we can see the end of this crazy time and that we are starting to see the hidden blessing that Heavenly Father has been trying to unlock for us.

Last week, Jeff had a company in Cache Valley close to where we live call him to take their employment tests. They even had the technical college where they do the testing give him free training in high voltage safety before the test and certify him...which means he can put this certification on other job applications if he doesn't manage to land this job... which is a huge blessing because many of the jobs he's applied for have said no because he had no actual experience with high voltage (just a section in his last electronics class at ISU where they breezed over it), and now he does.  He has a final interview with them on Tuesday.

We are hoping its one of those " We're just interviewing you in person as a formality but you have the job" interviews...it would be a huge blessing for us if Jeff got the job because we really can't afford to move somewhere else as a family... if he got a job in another city it would likely mean living apart for 2 weeks to a month as we save up enough for a deposit and first month's rent on an apartment or house where ever he got a job... We have a 50/50 chance that its one of those interviews, as Jeff was only competing with one other person for the job...its either the aforementioned good type of interview we're hoping for, or its a ,"You both tested really well, and we're not sure what to do so now you have to convince us" types of interviews...the kind where you just have to pray that you sold yourself better than the other guy did.

Tomorrow (Monday), he has an interview at ISU. His professors were nice enough to let him on the list of interviewees for a company that is coming to recruit new techs for a new factory they built in Caldwell, ID. They want to get it up and running and need quite few techs to do so. Because they need so many techs and are eager to hire new grads (especially new grads from ISU) we are pretty sure he will be a shoe in with his extra certifications...

At this point, while I would love him to get a job in Cache Valley so we can stay together and avoid having to uproot EVERYTHING all over again, I am just praying he gets good news and knows that he has a job this week so we can  relax the rest of the way...it would be nice to be able to relax like we've been able to this weekend and just enjoy the time we've had together.

This weekend has definitely taught me that I am just SICK of being stressed...I am making myself ill...and its not good for me or for my family. I need to be able to function and take care of my sweet baby girls...and I need to be strong for Jeff. We help hold each other up, and I can't help but feel like lately he has had to bear more of the weight than I have. I love my superhero (and he is a SUPERHERO...no one can make me believe otherwise.)

Hopefully, the tunnel we've been walking in will be completely lighted this week and we will know what we're doing and where we're going. At this point, I am relying on the Lord. I know God has a plan for us, and I know he has a place he wants us to be. I fully believe that he uprooted everything and Jeff was laid off for a good purpose, not to make us miserable. I believe he has a better future in store and we just have to be willing to let him lead us to it...it may not be our plan...but then again, His plans are always infinity times better than our plans...

I am still worried...my stomach is still twisted in a never ending knot...but I am not allowing myself to lose faith that things will get better...but I can't help but be worried about all the stuff in between now and the point where things start to get better...bills still need to be paid, kids still need to be clothed, fed and taken to the doctor, and we still need to be able to take care of ourselves too... While I trust that the Lord will provide, I have to wonder if I'm doing all I can so that He can make up the deficit...

In a way, I guess my worry helps me to stay on my toes and keep working as hard as I can to help things to work out in the meantime...so in an odd way, my worry wart ways are a blessing...even if I am so nauseated and tired all the time that I can barely see straight...at least I know I'm getting stuff done, right?

RIGHT???

I think I need to continue praying...but I know that as I pray, He is there listening and He will make it all better...he is our Father...and that is His job. He can only give us what we ask Him for.

Hugs and Loves until next time, darlings.