The Great Debate

Well... the 12 week mark has come and gone. Its crazy to think that in 7 months another baby will be making his or her way to our house.

I also find myself in a position that I never envisioned I would be in...

The 12 week mark has come and gone and I still haven't told my boss I am expecting another baby.

Truth be told, I don't really know what to say. I don't really know what to do.

On one hand, I LOVE my job. Given all the stresses of having three kids three and under and then adding to that the stresses of a child with special needs, those few hours away focusing on something other than home and hearth have been a saving grace. It is wonderful to go an focus on music, my students and what many people believe I was "destined" to do.

On the other hand, I still haven't gotten over the guilt of leaving my kids with a sitter. I missed out on several "firsts" for Faith that were delayed because of the Autism,  and I frequently feel guilty that I miss out on snuggle time with Vivi (especially now that we know another baby is coming into the picture and ahe a will no longer be the youngest).

Timing is also particularly difficult. The new baby is due 3-4 weeks before the start of the new semester.  My current sitter is moving this summer and this means I will likely have to look into traditional daycare unless I can find another friend that is looking to make a few hundred extra dollars a month...this means that I will have nowhere to take the new baby since daycare facilities can't take infants until 6-8 weeks of age.

This means I will definitely not be able to teach the autumn only lecture classes I taught this year...having a baby with me for a few weeks in the office while I teach private students is one thing, but I highly doubt it would be deemed as "appropriate" for there to be a baby wearing professor teaching lecture classes on campus.

Will my boss be understanding about the situation and be okay with me bringing baby along to teach lessons for the first few weeks? Who knows. That is the sleepiest time for newborns so he or she will likely not be a nuisance and since I am not planning on breast feeding (let the firestorm of hate comments commence but imagine me with an Autistic three year old, an energetic two year old, and a 13 month old having to be tethered to a new baby every hour on the hour...I'm going to be honest and say that in the interest of sanity and me being the best mom I can be, formula is going to be MUCH easier.) A quick shake of the bottle and diaper change and I will be able to focus on my students.

Then comes the guilt, and the question: will I be able to leave my newborn at a daycare center when he/she is old enough to go? I am not sure I am going to be able to handle it... as much as I love my job, I love my babies more and I don't know if I have it in me to leave any of them at a daycare facility,  let alone a newborn.

The other problem: my husband really wants me to keep my job.  It has added extra security to our income each month. It has provided a way for us to afford therapy for Faith through the ASSERT program, and has made it possible for us to afford to start some home renovations to make our house more "ours" and not just a place we moved into.

I have been praying about it for weeks and I still am no closer to an answer about what to do.

On the one hand my job offers me an "out" which decreases my stress and makes me a better mom and provides a little extra security financially that makes me and my husband worry less, but on the other hand, the timing of the new baby will make it extremely difficult to maintain...let alone "sell" the idea to my boss.

I LOVE being a college professor.  It truly is my "dream job". I get to spend every day focused on my third greatest love (my husband and kids come first and second and tie for both spots), music.  I get to help others find passion for it and direction. I get to make a difference in their lives and their education.  I love the spirited debates with my colleagues and feeling like I have some say in the future of the voice department. ..

But then I prepare a lesson for church and read quotes about motherhood and its divine role and importance and I dissolve into a puddle of tears,  feeling like this internal debate means that I am a failure at it or a bad mom because I need the break...

That being said, I am an adjunct.  I am sure if I was full time with benefits,  this internal discussion would not even be necessary.  I would be entitled to maternity leave and would just have to make up lessons when I got back and find someone to cover my lecture classes until I got back...

I also don't know what my future with the department will be next year anyway even if the baby wasn't coming into play. Financially the music department is struggling to find funding sources to cover current programs and programs they announced that were supposed to be ready this year that aren't.

Perhaps, the reason why I am not getting an answer when I pray is because it isn't up to me. It will be up to the voice area head and the music department chair...


But that still leaves me where I have been for the last several weeks...starting and erasing emails to the voice area head to tell her the news about baby #4.

Why does life have to be so complicated sometimes.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

Overcoming Fear

So...

I let the cat out of the bag...

For those of you that missed it on Facebook,  the picture should give a clue...

Did you guess yet? 

Yes, it is true...After only 6 months of NOT being pregnant,  my body decided that was enough of that.

A lesson for those of you that think you can't get pregnant if yout preventing...you can...

So...we are rolling with it. Nielson #4 is on his or her way and they will be 13 months younger than our sweet Vivi.

The doctor joked about not thinking he would see me again so soon...My husband said that we just liked him so much we couldn't stay away.

News of this pregnancy came right around a time when I was thinking a lot about my dad...

Most of you have read posts where I talked about his death at the age of 37 when I was the tender age of 12.

I am not going to hold back on this post so I am going to lay it out there...

I literally watched him die.

A sight I wouldn't wish on anyone.

You see, my dad struggled with his weight most of his life.  He was very active but NOTHING he did would help him lose weight.

He had high blood pressure, high cholesterol and was about 100 pounds overweight.

He did EVERYTHING he could to lose weight. He was super active (an avid golfer in the summer and played basketball EVERY weeknight during the winter).

Finally,  a doctor told him he would be dead in 6 months if he didn't lose the weight and he recommended an experimental procedure...gastric bypass.

By today's standards,  my dad would havr NEVER been considered for gastric bypass.  They may have suggested the lap band... but, given my conversations with my own doctors about his medical history and how it pertains to mine, my doctors believe he was insulin resistant (which hadn't yet been discovered) and the addition of a glucophage medication, coupled with his active lifestyle would have made a difference.

However,  my dad had gastric bypass...and it worked...too fast. In just 2 months he lost that 100 pounds, but he didn't lose the high blood pressure or high cholesterol.  (My doctors believe that the insulin resistance could have contributed to kidney damage from the kidneys processing too much sugar and this caused the two symptoms he needed yo disappear to remain.)

My dad felt great, but, his heart was still pumping blood for a man 100 lbs heavier because he had lost the weight so fast...

Almost 6 months to the DAY after his gastric bypass, at 11:30 at night, my dad sat straight up in bed, gasped, and fell down again...he gurgled and was unresponsive as he struggled for breath. Of course, my mother's scream woke the entire house and we all stood helpless, watching and wondering what to do.

The next morning, after we knew he was gone,  a doctor revealed the ugly truth. His heart had been working too hard since the surgery.  It caused the wall of his aorta to weaken and rupture. There would have been no way to save him. He was dead the minute the attack started.

This experience contributes to my biggest fear.

Genetics is a beast...and I inherited my dad's struggle with weight. I have been blessed to meet good doctors that have prescribed meds for insulin resistance to help keep the weight from creeping up, and fortunately,  so far, I have had no issues with high blood pressure or cholesterol.

But the fear lingers.

And I am 5.5 years from the age my dad was when he passed.

I want to be there to watch my babies grow up. I want my husband to have a wife.

So...as I got the news that I was expecting again, I got concerned.  I still (obviously) haven't lost the baby weight from my first three pregnancies...I got close after Phillie to being my pre pregnancy weight (about 10 lbs off) but no cigar.

I know health isn't all about weight...and I know that I haven't been active enough (outside of chasing my toddlers around) and it bothered me.

So I contacted a friend of mine who is a Beach Body coach.  I asked her if there were any low impact workouts available that I could invest in and do while pregnant...

Why a program?  Because I NEED structure.  With three littles to care for, plus a job, I don't have time to have to think about it.

She suggested the 21 Day Fix.

I did my research and decided it would be perfect.  The diet involved isn't really a diet,  it is changing the way you view food and portion size and there are two discs of workouts that range from 10 minutes to 30 minutes.  Perfect for a mom of so many littles that struggles to find time to shower, let alone work out.

At $70 with shipping,  I knew I couldn't afford it in October when I had the conversation with my friend,  but I resolved I was going to be SURE that a portion of my last paycheck of the semester would pay for it.

On Christmas Eve, when my paycheck went through, I ordered. It came yesterday (New Years Eve. ..how perfect), and I started this morning.

So, why am I sharing this?

I am sharing this because I am hoping that someone out there reads this and decides not to take the "easy" way out with bariatric surgery.

I am hoping they see a doctor,  determine why they can't lose weight, and they decide to follow me...because if I can work out while overweight and pregnant,  ANYONE should be able to at least try.

I will be candid, this morning kicked my butt, and I was SUPER embarrassed to have my husband watching me struggle (he was up early this morning)  but I made it through, the embarassment didn't kill me, and I am looking forward to experiencing the sensation of the workouts getting easier as my body becomes healthier.

My doctor is on board! Yes, I have a Beach Body coach, but the coach is no substitute for a doctor's guidance.

Yes, its intimidating to go into a doctor's office and admit you need help but they have a wealth of knowledge.  They can test you for various problems that can cause weight gain or be caused by weight gain, and they can review the programs you are interested in with you and help you determine what is right for you.

Don't be afraid.

There are ways to lose weight that don't involve going under the knife. Yes, it takes changing habits, but you can do it!

One thing I love about 21 day fix is the motto: "One day at a time, One pound at a time".

There is NO quick fix for weight gain, anyone who tells you there is, is selling snake oil.

Ultimately,  I have decided that my father's story will NOT be my story.  I will use my father's story as fuel to change my life and be healthy for me, my kids, my husband and this baby that I am carrying.
I don't have a weight loss goal right now (that isn't realistic while pregnant and my doc said I am not overweight enough to need to lose weight while pregnant) my goals are as follows:

Being healthier will hopefully:
1) lower the incidence of migraines during my pregnancy
2) help me in my struggle with Gestational Diabetes,  keeping my sugars more level
3) help me avoid pre term labor and bed rest that I have had my last two pregnancies
4) get my body to do what its supposed to do with contractions alone causing dilation and thereby avoiding induction out of concern for the baby remaining in utero with the gestational diabetes.

I will worry about weight loss in August. For now, I just want to "feel" better.

Though,  I must admit,  it would be nice for people to actually be able to tell I am pregnant before I hit 35 weeks this time around so I don't feel like a whale who looks fat instead of pregnant...but for now we focus on health...lol jk

*Post Script*****

Okay...I have received some not so nice comments on here that I have chosen not to publish and some private messages on Facebook (as well as some not so mean comments that have made it clear I need to clarify something written above.) 

When referring to bariatric surgery as "easy," notice that I put the "easy" in quotes, because its not easy. I watched the HELL my dad went through.  He sat in the hospital for nearly a week with a tube in his nose feeding him because he couldn't ingest anything solid while the stitches in his stomach, that sectioned it off to the size of a GRAPE, healed. Once that was out, he had to be on a liquid diet for another two to three weeks.  He could only eat 3 oz of food in a sitting,  if he went over, he was instantly in the bathroom vomiting...when I say HELL, I mean it. 

However, I have heard stories among my circle, of people who actually choose to GAIN weight to qualify for one of the bariatric surgery options available (there are minimum and maximum weights for each) because they believe it will be easier than changing the bad habits that got them to where they are in the first place. I also have several friends who underwent the lap band procedure and found that, as the saline went down, their weight crept back up because they never changed the bad habits that had led to weight gain in the first place, and then had to scrimp and save to save up to have more saline injected into the band. 

These surgeries, just like making healthy changes to how you eat and working out,  are a LIFELONG commitment, and often lead to more hardship.  My dad LOST HIS LIFE because he believed there was no other way. My point was that there are other options before you resort to something as drastic as gastric surgery and it is worth it to examine them.  For some, the benefits outweigh the risks and they decide they would rather just do the surgery as opposed to trying another program,  and that is fine. But the reality of bariatric surgery isn't as easy as commercials and billboards would have you believe. 

I am well aware that it has been successful for some people,  and that is great! I wasn't meaning to demean your journey to being healthy or make it less than mine.  We all have our own paths to walk. Mine just happens to include a cautionary tale about gastric bypass surgery that has made me fully determined that my future will not include it. If your path did include it, and it worked for you with no complications, then I am glad for you. 

I simply wanted to give hope to those that believe they are stuck with no way out, that maybe think bariatric surgery may be easier than going to a doctor for testing and reviewing all options. I truly apologize to those whom I have offended.  That was not my intent.

Hugs and loves until next time, Darlings

Three months in a flash!

Has it really been three months since I last posted?

Wow...

I guess that is what happens after life takes unexpected turns.

I am pretty sure I posted about my new job as an adjunct professor at Utah State, but in case I didn't, that is what I have been up to.

Between work, being a mom and home renovations,  I have pretty much been running around like a chicken with my head cut off (but in a good way. )

It has definitely relaxed me quite a bit to have an artistic outlet again and teaching voice at the college level has given me just that. I am hoping to throw together a recital one of these days but my fear is that nobody would show up so I am contemplating and putting together a program in my head.

So, what has happened in three months?

The biggest change is that Faith started school at the special needs preschool.

It honestly wasn't as traumatic for either of us as I thought it would be. Faith loves it and the teachers are shocked by how well she caught onto the routine,  especially because her visit day was a semi disaster where she needed an aid by her side 100% of the time.

Apparently,  she has the cutest hair in school and all the teachers apparently wait to see what I have done with her hair. I don't think what I do is THAT remarkable but it is nice to hear its appreciated.

I finished my first semester as an adjunct professor.

I am pretty proud of that. By the end, I was ready to be done and in desperate need of a break but that had more to do with maintaining a 24/7 schedule as a mom of three littles while maintaining a part tome work schedule.

My students are all sweet and amazing and worked so hard. It was definitely very rewarding work. There would be days when I didn't want to get up and go in and just wanted to stay home and snuggle my babies, but I pushed myself and was always glad I did...but now I am looking forward to a month-ish long break to recharge my battery and figure out my life again...

Let's just say that in all by busy-ness my house has suffered the most. I came home and just wanted to snuggle and play with my girls and so things like laundry,  sweeping,  mopping, etc.were pushed to the back of the list...

Things got done...eventually...they always do...

I definitely know that I will have to make a visual chart like I did when I lived in Las Vegas and was learning how to cope with two kids 10 months apart and keeping things organized...hopefully it will happen over the break.

Of course,  in the midst of my mess, we decided to start renovations on our townhouse. It wasn't horrible before,  but it wasn't "us".

We put in new floors and are slowly but surely painting the cabinets in the kitchen. Jeff has started putting in new cabinets for more storage space along the edge of the dining area and we will be painting those as well. We have paint colors picked for our walls and new trim picked out but have yet to go purchase them. We decided we needed to finish the cabinets  before we started another project.

We are hoping that by this time next year we will be ready to start our upstairs projects: painting walls, new carpets and hopefully consulting a contractor to find a way to make our smallest bedroom upstairs bigger by taking down a wall between it and another room and moving closet spaces, etc to make the rooms more equal in size.  Jeff wants to try to make the bathroom bigger too in order to put in a spa tub but I told him we would need to get a quote and decide because doing that would involve moving plumbing.

Meanwhile,  the kids are growing like weeds and getting excited for Christmas.  This is the first year they will really "get it" when it comes to Santa.

Phillie was FEARLESS when it came time to sit on Santa's lap. She dragged me through the line, marched right up and crawled onto his lap...charming him into letting her pick a type of candy cane that they hadn't opened the package of yet. Even Santa was impressed.  He said he had never had a kid so little be so brave and brazen... way to go Phillie girl.

Faith didn't cry but she was very skeptical at first.  Her grandpa had to physically grab her and sit her on Santa's lap. Once she was on, she smiled and sat still for pictures (amazingly enough).

Vivi didn't cry either but she doesn't really know what is up yet...lol

Looking forward beyond Christmas,  my hours at the university have thankfully been cut due to budget constraints in the music department.  It means I may have some more time to figure life out and maybe keep my house clean for longer than five minutes.

Faith was accepted into the ASSERT program. Its basically an extra preschool for kids with Autism that focuses for 20 hours a week on behavioral therapy and other Autism related issues.

I have to say I am most excited for me. I am looking forward to gaining more parenting strategies so I can be more effective at teaching and leading her. Most of the time I am making things up as I go along...sometimes it works and sometimes its a disaster but it will be awesome to have more direction from experts.  I know this program will help Faith a ton, especially because it is coupled with her preschool classes already in play.

She still doesn't have much in the way of functional language, but has started to really enjoy mimicking words she hears others say and trying to count or say the alphabet when she sees letters and numbers.  She is picking up a lot more than the school thought she would and I am grateful for that. Progress is still slow but its progress and that is all that matters.

All in all, a successful three months. Hopefully,  I will have better luck journaling on my blog this next semester.

Onward and upward!

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

Oh the twists and turns of life...

Life has a funny way of taking a sharp turn in a direction you didn't see it going.

Almost a month ago, I was sitting up at night trying to rack my brain to find a way to build my voice studio again. I wasn't sure I was 100% ready with an 8 week old at home

I missed teaching.

But more than that, since moving back to Utah, I had really been struggling to find students. I would find a few here and there, but they wouldn't stay long because they were either too busy to make the commitment they felt they needed to make, or they couldn't afford it and I couldn't afford to lower my prices much more than I already have... 

I needed to find a pool of students that was going to be more dedicated.

I decided to peruse the Utah State website to see if I could find a contact at the university and stumbled upon their list of teachers they endorse within the community with an email address to contact in order to get more information or to get onto the list.

I quickly typed an email. 

To be honest, I didn't think much would come of it, but I knew that the university would be a good place to find students who were a little more dedicated and serious about lessons.

Well, about a week later, I got a surprise call from the head of the voice department at the university.

She interviewed me over the phone briefly, but when she found out that I had previously taught at the collegiate level and had my Masters, her interest began to pique. She asked if I could come in for a more formal interview and audition.  I agreed...somewhat confused. I didn't see why she would need an audition for me to be on the list- I could see an interview to ask about methods and pedagogical points of view, but I went with it.

I dressed for success (red lips are SO not optional in these cases), kissed my littles goodbye, thanked my mother in law for babysitting, and made my way to the university on the appointed day.

I sang, we sat down and she said, "Okay, I'm just going to lay it out for you. I had a full time staff member decide she only wanted to work 8 hours, and I need to hire someone to teach the load she won't. Do you want to come work for the university?"

I sat, dumbfounded. I'd had an inkling as I'd thought about it before the interview and audition that, perhaps, the reason she wanted me to come in was to talk about an adjunct position, but I also thought, with it being less than a week before school started, that it was too late for them to hire anyone else so I put the thought out of my mind.

Jeff and I had discussed what I should do if she did offer a job. So, I knew that if she did offer and the parameters were what we believed we could handle as a family, I would say yes.

Well...I said yes.

The diva is now a professor...an adjunct professor, but a professor nonetheless.

Initially, I was hired to teach Voice Techniques (a lecture class...think of it like group voice lessons with reading involved so you can learn and practice some techniques on your own) and 4-5 hours of voice lessons...

It has turned into Voice Techniques and 10 hours of voice lessons a week... so I'm working about 12 hours... however, I knew that would be a possible risk of becoming an adjunct (you kind of sign your life away when you sign the contract...) but I have also been fortunate. The majority of my voice students have been willing to come to my home for lessons. This has made it possible for me to only be on campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays until about 12:30 in the afternoon. 

I am also fortunate that a good friend of mine from my undergrad days lives in town here and offered to take my kids while I'm on campus. This has helped quite a bit because, with only a few days before I started teaching, I knew there wasn't time to find a daycare facility that had room and would be able to handle an Autistic child.

Since then, everything has been a blur of awesome...

I won't lie. I never pictured myself going back to work with three young kids at home. However, with my husband gone as much as he is, it has been a nice way to unwind. I have found myself much less stressed and more relaxed with my kids.  

The beauty of this job is that I can drop everything if I have to in order to take care of them. As long as all my students get their 12 lessons for the semester and my Voice Techniques class gets through the required literature, if life happens, I have the freedom of revamping the schedule.

Next week...life is happening.

Last week, Faith had cognitive and speech communication testing for the special needs preschool. They said if they called back to schedule behavioral observation that it was likely that we were in.

Well, Tuesday morning, as I rushed out the door to get the kids to the sitter's house and my fancy butt to work the phone rang.

Wednesday and Thursday I have to drop Faith off at the special needs preschool. She will stay for the whole class BY HERSELF and then I will pick her up. We will know after these two days whether she is officially in or not.

I have already met the woman that I will call her teacher if she gets in,  Miss Joy. She is so sweet and wonderful. She was very patient with Faith during the cognitive testing and is a singer herself. She got SO EXCITED when she found out I had a Masters in music and was teaching at the university...let's just say I plan on offering my services to come in and do a music day with her classes. It will be SO STINKING FUN to set up a music lesson for small children. 

And...while we're on the subject of small children and life happening...

Phillie turned 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is so crazy that I have two 2 year olds now. Next month it will be 3, 2, and 4 months... but this month it is 2, 2, and almost 3 months...

Phillie has been SUPER into horses and being a cowgirl lately.  She constantly points at the television asking , "Horsey? Horsey?" because she wants to watch a horse movie like Flicka or a show like Heartland where horses are front and center. She also looks over my shoulder while I'm on my computer and points at the screen asking "Horsey?" because she wants to look at pictures of horses on the internet.

We knew that it would make her day to give her a plush rocking horse and possibly some cowgirl dress up stuff...

With the help of Facebook and friends, we were able to do both!

I got a super cute plush rocking horse off of the Facebook classifieds for $10 and managed to score a cowboy hat and bandana for $5 at Walmart, and a friend sent an old cowprint vest that her little boy used to wear and had grown out of to complete the look...

I think its safe to say she was SUPER happy. 

And...she was SO GOOD about sharing with her big sister. They still are. They happily trade off and take turns with her new horsey and take turns wearing the cowgirl dress up stuff.

In other news,,,, How adorable is my gummy bear???

It is so crazy that she is almost 3 months old.

It goes too fast.

So, in short, things are changing, but so far the changes have been good,,,stressful, but good.

and that is life right now in a nutshell...

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

It May Not Be What You Think...

I tried to chalk it off to getting the short end of the stick when Vivi came home...

You see, right after we brought Vivi home, Jeff's bosses sent him out on the road. Besides him being gone, my other support system, his family,  had all left town for various vacations.  Jeff came home,  I broke down...and thought it couldn't get worse, until my lovely toddler tornado and I caught a gastroenteritis virus (aka stomach flu) and besides taking care of a newborn with tummy issues due to milk allergy/intolerance,  I was trying to recover from child birth, stomach flu, and was cleaning up puke every 5 minutes, trying to console sick toddlers who didn't understand why they couldn't eat, and washing every towel in the house(literally every towel) twice to three times a day...to say I was tired would be the understatement of the year...

Jeff came home again,  I broke down again, and then he would leave and the cycle repeats.

I was feeling pretty positive, but was exhausted and never felt like I could get enough sleep. If I could have slept all day, I would have. More than that, I began to notice that I would go from fine to snapping and fuming in a rage so bad that I had to count to 100 to calm down over something as small as spilled crackers on the floor.... and major anxiety over stupid things I couldn't control keeping me up at night.

I began to wonder. ..could this be Post Partem Depression?

No... I felt positive most of the time. I must just be really exhausted from doing everything on my own... I started trying to go to bed earlier,  plan more of a schedule to get things done...but nothing helped the exhaustion and the rages were still fuming...and I realized I spent half of my day yelling at my toddlers (as if it was doing any good...)No matter what I tried, I couldn't stop the moments of anxiety that kept me awake and continued to foster the cycle...but I'm a mom. ..its normal to worry and have sleepless nights, right?

I realized, this isn't me...

My 6 week post partum check came and I decided it didn't hurt to talk to my doc and ask about it...

As usual, I was given the written PPD quiz that all doctors offices. I filled it out honestly,  not thinking much of my answers and handed it in. The doc came in and asked about the flags from the quiz.

He asked if I felt like it was just because I was sleep deprived,  and that is when the tears began to roll and I realized,  it was so much deeper than that.

I may not have been a classic case of PPD, but I had it and I needed help.

The doctor gently put his hand on my shoulder,  handed me a tissue, and said he would give me a scrip to try. He said if it was just sleep deprivation,  I wouldn't notice much difference and explained how to come off the meds after a month if it wasn't working by then.

Here I am, three weeks later. I'm sure the meds are helping and things are much better.

My heart has broken the last few weeks as i was able to see the aftermath of my rages in the weeks previous...my poor babies would make a mistake,  say "uh oh" and wince, waiting for me to blow up. Poor Phillie spilled her milk and tried desperately to clean it up all alone (without a towel,  she was just trying to spread the milk out on the floor like she had one). When I caught her, the wince came, followed by alligator tears. I gently picked her up, dried her off, and then handed her a towel so she could help me clean up... no yelling...but the wince, the alligator tears... I wished I could have gotten help sooner.

Why am I writing about this? Because I wrongly thought that if i had PPD, I would have all the symptoms or at least the symptoms commonly talked about or worried about.  I thought I would feel "blue" all the time or that I would be so depressed I wouldn't want to get out of bed... that is what you always hear about...

But did you know extreme exhaustion is a symptom of PPD?  Anxiety that keeps you awake? That you can feel perfectly fine and snap all of a sudden and that it may not just be because youre tired?

I have PPD.  I am so glad I spoke up and got help.

One pill a day and everything changes.

I dont feel exhausted anymore...sure I'm tired,  but not so exhausted I can barely see straight.  Even getting up at night with the baby is easier. I feel more alert.

I dont snap at my sweet babies.  I can keep my calm and cool. They are no longer wincing when they know they made a mistake.

More importantly,  I can sleep without worrying about things I have no control over. I can put my worries aside and allow my mind to calm.

Beyond education for my friends and readers that may be wondering if they have PPD,  but are trying to write it off as normal, I want to offer support.

Dont be afraid to ask for help. Dont be afraid to talk about it. Yes, the doc may ask if you think its just sleep deprivation,  but you know the answer in your heart (I know I did). You know if you feel like you...if youre acting like you normally would if you were tired.

There is NO SHAME in seeking help. I promise, you will be so glad you did...and, worst case scenario,  you will end up deciding not to take that little pill because it doesn't help, but what if it does? Isn't it worth that risk?

I'm a better mom now that I have help. I have been able to function and it feels like I came out of a fog. I am not  ashamed of PPD.  I am not ashamed I needed help in the form of an antidepressant and took it.

And if my story seems all too familiar to you and you are worried about what may come if you ask for help, you shouldn't ve ashamed either.

You are not alone.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

Life With Three

I have gotten used to people asking me how I do it.

To be honest, I just do.

I am a mom of three kids under three (at least until October when Faith turns three... then it will be three, three and under.)

I know plenty of people that have done it, but even they are amazed.

I guess the fact that my almost three year old is Autistic and nonverbal makes me some kind of mothering unicorn...

Truth be told, life with three isn't much more difficult than life with two. The only thing harder is keeping my house in order; however,  I have made huge strides in teaching my double toddler tornado how to clean up after themselves (thanks, in a large part to Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and a song they sing on an episode about thw importance of cleaning up after yourself. ) Its amazing how motivated toddlers are to pick up Legos and wood blocks when there is a song being sung that they can (attempt to) sing along to.

We have also experienced some set backs in Faith's progress. She has started refusing to eat again. She will eat two or three bites and then walk away, expecting for me to get her a snack five minutes later... her Occupational Therapist said I'm doing the right thing in refusing a snack until its on my terms. She said Faith is probably feeling a sense of upheaval and that food is the one thing she can control.  So...we forge ahead.

Did I mentioned Faith is terrified of the baby? YEP. Totally freaks out every time she cries and runs away if we try to get her to hold her.

Faith has also started refusing to use the few words she has to request things she wants. She either walks up and screams at me or will hand whatever she wants to Phillie, bring Phillie over to me, and Phillie will say the right words to get the requested item. This little quirk will probably be funny in a few years, but right now ita kind of frustrating...because once I give Phillie the item requested and try to make Faith request it, I end up dealing with a biting, kicking,  screaming force of Hades... it will get better.  I have faith in the tips her therapists have given us. It will just take time.

Meanwhile,  Phillie is totally in baby love mode.

I can't leave her alone in the room with her baby sister because she will end up doing something to sit with/ hold/feed/ play with Vivi that ultimately ends up with a screaming newborn and a mamma checking for broken bones or concussions.

But, life and time march on.

Vivi is growing way too fast, so are my big girls (if you can call them that...but they really are).

Faith will be starting at the head start preschool in just a few months... Phillie learns more words every day, and went pee pee in the potty for the first time (though now she is afraid of the toddler potty so we may have to revisit potty training later)... and Vivi is already smiling and can hold her head up on her own meaning she can sit on my lap and be held facing out so she can explore what is around her.

Its all going too fast.

So, how do I do it?

Lots of cuddle time, singing silly songs, movies on Netflix and I try not to care when my house begins looking like a war zone... the reality of mothering small children is very different than what you find on Pinterest and that is okay.

I would rather watch my double toddler tornado try to mimic a dance on Teen Beach Movie than waste time trying to get them to do some crazy art project they are nowhere near independent enough to do.

My Pinterest perfect house can come in 10-15 years when my kids awesomeness no longer requires constant supervision.

I'd rather enjoy where we are as opposed to wishing I could have some unattainable expectation that appears in Better Homes and Gardens.

That is how I do it. I try to be realistic.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings.

Acceptance

I was going to write an entirely different post...but I feel compelled to write a post I've been waiting to write (and was going to write next) first because I have several friends struggling right now with this particular topic.

I don't profess to be perfect, or have all the answers, but I do feel like I've had a moment of personal clarity that I need to share in hopes that it will help others...So, here goes...

A few months ago I was really struggling. I was 30 weeks pregnant and still had people that were shocked and surprised when I told them that I was expecting. Who knows if they were just being nice and though that it would stroke my ego to say that they had no clue, but it wasn't helping...In fact, it was making me feel like a fat blob. I felt like a whale, I was securely fitting in most all of my maternity clothes, but nobody noticed...

Was I really that fat before I was pregnant?

That question plagued my thoughts every time I looked in the mirror...

I quickly took to Pinterest looking for any and all tips on losing weight post partum in order to be as skinny as possible as quickly as possible....but something funny happened while I was posting pin after pin of juice fasts, diets, exercises, smoothies that helped to foster rapid weight loss....

I came across a pin from a fitness instructor. She wanted to show how she could make herself look 10-15 pounds skinnier in a "Before and After" picture on the same day just by changing how she held her phone and a few pieces of her outfit...It was definitely an interesting pin to run across in the fitness section. I looked, thought about it for a minute or two and then continued in my fast and furious quest to find the weight loss secrets that nobody was telling me, trying to find the magic potion that would make me "gorgeous"...

However, this image stuck with me more than I thought it did initially.

I have many friends that are beach body coaches and selling various supplements and they are constantly posting "Before and After" pictures on Facebook for the programs they sell. (What I'm about to say next is not reflecting badly upon them. I'm sure their programs work for people and are great. Don't think I'm being negative about them).  I started to notice that in many of the "Before and After" pictures, I didn't believe that the women looked bad or fat in the Before pictures... The After pictures ranged from not much difference to me (making me think of the Pinterest pin I'd seen) and women that looked (to me) like someone could come along and snap them in half like a twig.  (Again, I'm sure the women in those pictures felt amazing about themselves, so good for them, but in my personal opinion, many of them didn't need to lose any weight at all and looked great Before...if they needed to lose some more to feel more healthy and happy, that is their prerogative)

Finally, one of my husband's friends posted a meme. It was a cartoon skeleton with the phrase "She be like, 'I finally met my weight loss goal!'"  I couldn't help but laugh...and it was in that moment that something clicked. This switch in my head that had me thinking so negatively about my body pre pregnancy, during pregnancy, and what it would be like Post Partum turned off...

My body was doing something AMAZING- something that not all women's bodies are able to do...So, WHY was I hating on myself? Why was I allowing myself to be so taken in by the world's standard of beauty? Why was I letting Satan win by choosing to believe the lies he was telling me- the lie that unless I have a body that is a certain size, weight and shape, I am ugly and unlovable?

My husband loves me. He makes that evident every day...no matter what shape I'm in...and, judging by the fact that his male friends were sharing that skeleton meme like it was a bottomless pack of gum and laughing about it on the comment threads saying how true it was tells me that the majority of our husbands probably feel the same....

I reached a place of acceptance.

I remember, before my wedding, several friends approaching me in an "intervention" because they believed I was starting to get "scary skinny" (let me clarify that at this time my weight fluctuated between 135 and 140... by BMI standards, I was on the edge of the overweight and average category...nowhere near underweight, but on my frame, I apparently looked "scary skinny".)  I assured them that I was eating healthy and not even trying to lose weight before the wedding because I didn't want to fall into the pitfalls of the bridezilla whose only problem is that she desperately needs a sandwich... I was the smallest I'd ever been before Faith was born. I had edged into a size 4, and was fitting very comfortably into a 6 (that weird in between place where one size is too big but the other is too small)...

I am a realist. My body has changed. My hips are wider because they have spread to allow a baby out. My body is carrying weight differently than it did before I had kids... everything is just different. I will likely never see that size 4 again because, honestly, even if I did get down to 135 to 140 again, I'd probably never be able to get the pants over my wider set hips...I'm totally okay with that. I was okay with that after I had Faith and Phillie...but why have a goal size?  Since things have changed, since I'm not sure what my body will do as time passes post partum is it really realistic to chase this goal of an elusive number? Also, as I demonstrated with my story, why do we even have goal weights? Let's be real, every body carries weight differently and scary skinny on me may be perfect on another frame... I will never be a size 0 perfect model from a magazine...even that model isn't the perfect model size 0 in the magazine (Hello PHOTOSHOP!)

So...this time around...there is no goal weight, no goal size....My goal?

How healthy do I feel?

I want to be healthy enough to run around the park with my girls without being out of breath. I want to have dance parties that last longer than 1 song on Pandora. I want to feel energized. I want to eat as healthy as possible so I can be around to see all the wonderful things that my daughters are going to do with their lives and I DON'T want my daughters to ever feel like they need to ascribe to some worldly idea of what is beautiful, because they ARE beautiful just for being them. I want them to be healthy and happy and the best way for me to do that is to be an example of what healthy and happy is.

I am going to love my body for all it does for me and continues to do for me. I am going to marvel at the amazing things it has allowed me to do. I am not going to hate it for not looking like some model in a magazine.

I will be beautiful, because I AM beautiful no matter what size I wear or what number is on the scale. All that matters is that I FEEL healthy and know that I am doing all that I can to be around for a long, long time.

I posted this photo to my Facebook and Instagram today:

I will be real...Right now, I weigh 175 lbs. By the world's standards am I overweight? Yep. Do I give a flying fart in space? NOPE.  What I care about is how I feel....and considering that I am running on average on about 3 hours a sleep a night and able to keep 3 kids under 3 alive and chase after them all day, I'm doing pretty darn well! I feel beautiful...why? Because my body, one month ago, did something AMAZING. I ran a marathon of 10 hours of labor, shock so bad that my teeth were chattering and my jaw ached, nausea from too much adrenaline, pushing out a baby that was facing the wrong direction and coming home 24 hours later to NO HELP while I learned to navigate taking care of an Autistic 2 year old, a very spoiled almost 2 year old and a newborn... I. AM. EPIC.

I should be a freaking legend!


Do I still have my moments where I feel let down about my body? Yes, but that is because most of my clothes are too big or too small...its hard to feel dapper when nothing fits properly...but my sweet husband helped with that this weekend.I have a few new items to wear that fits my body NOW...not my body in 3 months, 6 months, etc.  I am dressing the amazing body I have now, I am not going to focus on the body I will have down the road.

I am not on a diet. I am just making sure that I get more than enough water in the day, am eating 5 servings of fruits and/or veggies, and 3 servings of dairy a day (just like any nutritionist would recommend). I feel energized because I'm eating a lot of healthy foods (I feel like I'm always eating, but I'm always eating because its amazing how hard it is to get 5 servings of veggies or fruits in a day when you're only eating them at a meal...so I get lots of good snacks.) Of course, I'm tired and exhausted at times (who wouldn't be on only 3 hours of sleep?) but I know that I'm feeling much better than I would be if I was snacking on potato chips all day.

So...in short, there is no magic potion or pill that will make you "beautiful"...

Decide that you are going to embrace the body you have today and that you will embrace the changes that come through healthier living. Be natural and the rest will follow... Be YOU.

Right now, I couldn't imagine exercising full on. It takes quite a bit to run up and down the stairs to take 2 wiggly toddlers for naps, baths, and time outs and to chase them around the house and out of things they shouldn't be into. To top it off, my husband hasn't been home longer than 4 days at a time since we brought the baby home from the hospital...so I've been doing almost everything in the house and when it comes to caring for our children 100% on my own... but, I have decided to start doing 20 sit ups and 20 push ups twice a day to get my muscles back into order....

Nope, I'm not going to train to run a marathon. I've never been a runner...not even when I was a kid...I don't think that is going to change now.

For now, I am going to do things I enjoy, eat healthy and listen to my body.

If I want to dance with my kids, I'm going to dance with them until I can't dance anymore. I will run up and down the stairs in my house as many times as it takes to give all the necessary time outs and naps that my kids need...but I'm not going to stress about it. As they get older and I have more time, I will be able to do more for me to help condition my body to be more healthy.

I am not a Kardashian...I don't have thousands of dollars to pay a personal trainer...but on top of that, I also don't want to spend HOURS and HOURS away from my kids chasing an unrealistic goal.

I'm going to be ME and let things fall into place...because the ME that I am is beautiful all the time.

Oh, my fellow mammas, if you're working to lose weight, ask yourself one question...Are you doing it because you believe you're "fat"? If the answer is yes, then maybe we need a slight attitude adjustment. Lose weight to be more healthy, not because you are LESS because someone in a beauty magazine somewhere decided that a certain size or weight was more desirable.

If you're feeling down or overwhelmed...start small. Change the way you're eating, don't diet...Follow suggested dietary guidelines: 3 a day of dairy, 5 of fruits and veggies and drink your water...I promise, you will feel AMAZING... and if you want to eat a darn cookie- EAT IT! Don't feel guilty...

I'm gonna eat a cookie if I want a cookie...I'm just not going to eat 12 cookies because I know I won't feel so healthy afterwords...in fact, I'll probably feel like throwing up...as would anyone who eats 12 cookies.

Don't judge yourself by numbers...judge yourself by how healthy you feel. Make your fitness goals about what you'd like to accomplish as opposed to the numbers on your scale or your pants...a number is just a number...you are more than a number. How you function, how your family functions- those are the things that count most. If  you're not currently functioning, then YES, by all means make a change...but don't make the change because you are allowing yourself to hate the one person you should love more than you realize you should- YOU!

I am Brittany. I may not be the world's version of perfect,but to my children I am perfect. To my husband, I am essential. I matter. My body has done and will do amazing things. I choose to foster healthy habits and focus on developing habits as opposed to insignificant numbers.

This is my epiphany.

Hugs and loves until next time, darlings!