The Raylee Elizabeth Birthday Extravaganza!!!!!!!!!

Well, well, well...



Its hard to believe that a whole year has gone by already, but it has. Exactly 1 year ago today Kiersten came out of the bathroom, sat down on the couch and said " Darn it, I just left the bathroom and I think I just wet myself." (SorryKierst, but that part of the story has to be told because we can laugh about it now.) After some fancy fanagelin' we convinced her that her water had broken and that it was time to go to the hospital! Raylee Elizabeth is a year old this weekend and I've decided to pay tribute with a cheesy photo montage!!!!!!!!! (that's right, I found my camera- and its been attached to my hand ever since!)



It all started for me last night, with the cake! Kiersten and Joe had been trying to figure out what they wanted to do for a cake, they'd asked around town and it seemed like no one had what they wanted. Raylee, being almost one at the time (and officially one tomorrow!) naturally only adores two things...Bunnytown and My Friends Tigger and Pooh- both are shows on Playhouse Disney....Kiersten was telling me of their conundrum... the deduction was logical, any Sherlock Holmes type could have figured it out...but instead of Sherlock Holmes type, it was me....they need a cake, I decorate cakes...hmmmm...



Well, I agreed to do it 2 weeks ago...before I agreed to babysit for Amber so she and her husband could have a hot date...needless to say, I was home by 11:30 and I decorated like a fiend until 1:30 AM before...I was EXHAUSTED!- the sad part was that I only had about a third of the cake done! (when I say cake I mean cupcakes, we'd decided that it would be fun to watch Raylee pulverize a single confection all on her own!) However, the following cheesy photo montage will show that the horror was almost forgotten by the splendour of the final product- and notice thart I spelled splendour with a "u"- that's right, its so fancy that it gets a British spelling! (as promised, one of many...think of it as a single photo essay within a larger work...)

So, the cake was done, the day continued. We went to Sizzler for a late lunch, and shock and awe, Kiersten decided to try and see what would happen if we let Raylee feed herself. We had a mess on our hands, but Raylee started getting really really good at it! I think after she almost choked once from putting too much food in her mouth she got the idea. We went to the store and picked up the last few things that we needed for the big day. Kiersten and Joe wanted to get one more present and I needed wrapping paper.

We got back to the house and decided that a grumpy baby needed one thing...to open all her presents! We decided it would give her some energy, and oh boy did it! She would open one thing and want to play with it and scream until you showed her that there was something else to open! Once all the toys were out, Raylee sat on the living room floor and worked her way around a circle of toys, playing with each one, dropping it once she lost interest and moving on to something else.

Well, I'm sure you're al reading and waiting in dire anticipation? What about the cake? Was it pulverized? Well, here for your viewing pleasure I give you..the many faces of birthday cake!

Okay...so last but not least...WHEN DECORATIVE BOWS ATTACK!!!!!!!!!(Hey, I have to put a Brittany spin on things, its my nature!)

Hugs and Loves until next time!

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!

Okay, so I am super excited and I can't contain it- so what better to do than blog???!!!

In a few hours I am headed to get my garments and temple clothes for the first time!

I can't wait for July 26th- it seemed so far away when I scheduled the date to recieve my Endowment, but here it is next weekend. If I could manage to find my camera I'd take some excited pictures for you all- but alas it has disappeared off the face of the planet!

Ahem....and for the record....no I'm not getting married, no I'm not going on a mission... its been a crazy few months but the one resounding thing that has repeated in my mind is that it is time for me to go to the temple. I feel like it is the next step in my spiritual progression. It is kind of scary and daunting to think about where I may be a year from now, but I also know that as my relationship with my Heavenly Father has grown I have had the overcoming urge to need to feel and be closer to Him.

I know that God looks out for all of us, I know that no matter how bad a situation may seem God makes sure it always works out for the best.

I've had what seems like more than my fair share of trials in the last few months, but I am so thankful to a loving God who knows and understands the big picture far better than I. I know that He directs all my paths I know that He loves me and he is making sure that I recieve every blessing that I deserve and have worked for.

My step-dad and I were talking a little while back about a few of my woes and he said..."Brittany, the people who wait the longest for the things they want most in life always end up getting the better part. God saves the best for last. If that weren't true you wouldn't be here in the latter-days." At the time it didn't really sink in, which is probably why I heard it from my Branch President a few weeks later in his office as I was recieving my first temple recommend. I will operate in faith knowing that it has to be true because I do know what I know.

Knowing what I know doesn't stop trials from being difficult, but it definitely makes them more bearable. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, he has a plan and purpose for me that was defined before I came to this Earth. I am so fortunate to have been born to a home with goodly parents who taught me the Gospel, who made sure that I know who I am. On those days when I feel small it helps so much to know that I am a daughter of God, I am of noble birth because of that. I have a birthright- the same birthright as Abraham, Isaac and Jacob- a birthright that I get to claim through baptism and the making and keeping of sacred covenants in the temple.

Sometimes I am amazed that I have made it this far...but then, when you think about it, I haven't done it alone. I've had the blessing of the Holy Ghost as my guide and loving family and friends to help me bear my burdens. God never intended for any of us to be alone, and even though it may feel like I am alone sometimes, I know that this is the time when God is the nearest to me...I just won't open the door for him because I want to wallow.

My biggest prayer for everyone is that they can remember to open that door, that they can forge and create a relationship with God that is close and loving. He is like a parent, and like any parent/child relationship sometimes its hard to ask for what you want, or sometimes he can't give you what you want because the time isn't right. Make no doubt about it, if you are living the way that He asks you to, he will make sure that you have everything you need when you need it because that is what any loving parent would do- its differentiating between needs and wants that we need to learn, especially in today's society where people feel that they are entitled to things or that they have earned it. I have especially caught myself in the last few months exhibiting that sense of entitlement...allow me to demonstrate using my own example...I do everything that I'm supposed to, I work hard, I live the Gospel, I follow the commandments I deserve to be blessed! How come Jane Doe down the street who doesn't live the way that she should seem to have such a great life? She parties, she drinks, etc..and here I am trying to be perfect every day and the one thing that I want more than anything I can't have.... that my friends is feeling entitled, and I am trying to stop. You aren't good so that you will be blessed. You are good because you want to be, because, believe it or not, its easier. You have to remember that Jane Doe may seem to have a perfect life, but behind closed doors she is dealing with the binding chains that Satan tries to grab us all with-her idea of being free isn't really being free.

Free agency is about making the right choices. As long as we make the right choices, then we are free- truly free, because Satan may try to catch us, but he cannot bind us like he can someone who allows themselves to be caught by temptation. Once he has you, he pulls you further away from your Father in Heaven, and who wants that? I certainly know that I don't...I want to be closer to Him, because the closer you are the less likely you are to stumble and fall. Why are you less likely to fall? Because in being closer to God you have to be closer to our brother, Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ. He is the one who relays messages to God from us, He is the one who through the Atonement, picks you up, dusts you off and makes sure you can keep going, just like any other good big brother would.

I am so grateful for Gospel truths and doctrines in my life. I am grateful that I know who I am, what I'm doing here, and where I am aiming to go after I die. The temple is just the next step in this long path of life. I am so blessed to know that I don't have to walk that path alone and to know the shape of that path... For straight is the path and narrow that gate that leads to everlasting life and happiness! I bear witness of this. To all those of you who are reading this and think that I'm blowing smoke it is my humble prayer that your hearts will be softened and that somehow my words will plant a seed in your heart. To those of you who are touched by this don't thank me, thank a loving God who is always there for you, loving you,and waiting for you to draw nearer to him.

I am so excited to enter the temple. I am excited for the covenants that I will be able to make there. I am excited to be able to be in the House of God and in His presence. I only pray and hope that I am able to follow my Savior Jesus' example and that I am able to be a beacon to those around me who struggle and search to find these strong, sweet and simple truths in their lives. God is good, Jesus is my Savior and friend and I am an instrument in their hands. I only pray tha I am close enough to the spirit so they may use me as they see fit.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER FOOD POISONING!!!!!!!!

Okay- so I've spent the last four days in a nausea induced haze, and I'm not quite out of it yet, but I felt like I needed to blog a little bit about the joys of being sick...

So, Friday I started to feel a little woozy after lunch- I ate some rotten lettuce (Note to self: if it tastes rotten after the first bite, chances are its rotten... just thought you should know!) But I was super excited so I decided nothing would get me down. I was going to go to the 35th anniversary performance of Saturday's Warrior at the Civic. But wait, there's more- not only were they performing Saturday's Warrior...they were also performing the sequel the White Star. I was so excited to go and take part in something I'd grown up with- my mom had a Saturdays Warrior tape and we used to listen to it and lip synch to it as kids. I think more kids should do this growing up! The television was rarely on, we always had on one of my mom's records or tapes and we were coming up with a show! Saturday's Warrior was one of the faves- along with Star Child (another Mormon musical) and a few secular goodies- Mary Poppins soundtrack, The Carpenters and Ray Stevens the Streak! I was so excited to finally see if any of our ideas about how we would stage a musical number came true... and best of all I got to go with Amber! It was so nice to sit before the show and reminisce about these times and see that I wasn't the only one who looked back fondly!

Well, I was a little worried about time, two full shows in one night seemed daunting, like I said I was feeling a little woozy, but I was trying to be optimistic! Amber and I went and bought CDs of Saturdays Warrior and White Star and I bought a score of Saturdays Warrior. Amber and I immediately made plans to have an old fashioned piano party to sing along to some of our favorites : Will I Wait for You?, Dear John, Line Upon Line and many more (do I sound like a compilation infomercial yet?)

I have to say, with the exception of the Jimmy and Pam, I was disappointed by Saturdays Warrior. It was rushed through, they cut some numbers completely and cut others in half. The continuity was gone and the actors didn't seem to have a hold on the choreography at all...I wasn't expecting much when the White Star started and I left very much suprised and happy. It was definitely amazing as far as sequels go- you don't think that I show like Saturdays Warrior needs a sequel but this completely dazzled me. I was laughing, I was crying, I was on an emotional rollercoaster and I loved it! I could now see why Saturdays Warrior seemed shlugged through- they spent the bulk of their time on the new show- which is fine, and perhaps with a little more touring another audience may have a better earlier experience than I did, but let me assure you- I felt like they made up for it in the end. The music was nice, but there was a number called Gentle Savior that kept reprising throughout the musical and every time it started I was in tears. The acting and story was phenominal, I strongly encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity and go if it comes to your town! Even if you experience the same disappointment that I did with Saturdays Warrior, you will leave feeling so enriched by the White Star! Its a great story of redemption and the cealing powers of the temple and the great work of family history that needs to be done! I left so inspired, I really want to get more involved with my family history now, especially because I know for a fact that much of the Winberg family work has not been done!

But on to the rest of my story- I left enriched! Enriched, but woozy...but I continued to move forward, I had a birthday cake to make! Austin's birthday party was the next day and I couldn't let him down, he was so excited about his Brownie ice cream cake! Amber and I had been reading through recipes earlier that day and when we came to the recipe title Austin's exact words were "Whoa mom....Brownies in an ice cream cake?! You don't need to look any more, that is what I want!" I had to giggle a little...it was so cute! So, I got home and began the task of making the brownie layers and softening ice cream. The cake was made at 2 AM, made but not decorated... and I had heart burn so bad I felt like it was coming out my ears, but I figured I was just tired and sleep deprived and in the morning I would feel better...yeah...right...because I'm that lucky.

About an hour later I was awake and rushing to talk to ralph on the big white phone (for all those of you who don't know what that means: PUKESVILLE!!!!!!!!) I cleaned up, mom (being mom) heard me and came to my aid and got me the needed anti-puke medicines and I went back to bed. After a fitful morning of sleep I awoke feeling like I'd been hit by a MAC truck. I used the walls as anchors and stumbled out the living room and the comfort of the couch. Now, I don't know if its just that mom used to lay us on the couch when we were sick so we'd be closer or what, but whenever I'm sick I always feel a need to lay on the couch as opposed to my bed... I called Amber and told her about the night's events and that the cake, albeit made, was not decorated. I assured her that I had washed my hands, hadn't licked any spoons, and that I was completely sanitary, also given the fact that the cake was in the freezer it should be frozen enough to be safe for human consumption. I told her that it wouldn't hurt my feelings if she didn't want to use it.

All I can say, is that this last few days, between body aches and grossness I have come to one giant conclusion- I am so lucky to have such an awesome mom! She left me to my own devices so I didn't feel like I was being a big baby but she also made sure to, in her own special way, make sure that she took care of me without me realizing how much she was doing. I've also been grateful to have a sister who is a nurse and has connections to doctors with magical pills that get rid of nausea...What I thought was a 24 hour flu bug has continued now for the last 4 days...and I'm still not better. I'm gradually getting there but I feel like there is an ice cream maker churning in my stomach and my head,neck, shoulders and back are still aching like I've been beaten by a herd of llamas....not that I've experienced that, but I'd imagine that if it happened, this is what I would feel like...

I keep thinking that getting sick was the last thing I needed. I have so much music to learn before I go back to Montana and I need to take time for it, but its difficult to learn music when you can't sit or stand longer than 30 minutes without getting dizzy...thank the Lord for the I-Pod... I also need to work- I gots bills to pay...but I'm going to continue with faith that I am going to have it all work out in the end.

Well, speaking of not being able to sit or stand for very long...I'm at my limit. But I love you all and I wanted you to know how grateful I am to have so many loving family members and friends who look after and support me!

Hugs and loves, and here is to the death of Killer Food Poisoning, FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

A New Attitude

So...I totally had an epiphany- which is funny, considering that my older sister just had a similar epiphany...allow me to elaborate.

Of course, post break up, every girl pin points an insecurity (even if they know that it has nothing to do with what went wrong) and decides to pick at it until it becomes a festering pustule... for me, my biggest insecurity has always been my weight. I've always been the "fat sister" and, although I don't think they consciously try to make me aware of it, I've always felt like my sisters kind of enjoyed rubbing it in my face. About a year and a half ago, I was the "skinny sister" I was healthy and feeling good- that was also right about the time that I ended up being taken off of my medication for my Metabolic Syndrome, which basically sent me on a spiral back to sicksville...but that is beyond the point... the point is, I've been picking at it and picking at it and picking at it...it isn't my fault- I basically live off of fresh veggies and chicken all year- but because I've been sick the pounds have come back on. I'm in no way "fat" or "obese" I would probably just say that I have a little "junk in the trunk" and not really in a bad way. Well, finding out that I'm sick and having the magic pill to fix it all has given me a new lease on things and I've been working out like a mad woman.

My sister and I have both starting kicking our sad butts out of bed at the crack of dawn to exercise every morning, and I have friends in Montana that I am keeping in touch with and we are motivating each other to stay on track. It has been a good thing, but, in spite of all of this positivity, I've still been picking...and really being down on myself.

Well, tonight I went to meet with my Stake President, and its official, I have my temple recommend and all I have to do is call the temple and set a time to take out my Endowment. I am super excited, but I also decided that I wanted to feel better about myself- I want to be at my very best as I partake of the spirit in the house of the Lord. So I was lying in bed and tossing and turning and I said a prayer...and then I kept thinking of my favorite passage of scripture. Proverbs 31: 10-31... I decided I should just get out of bed a read it.

I got to verse 18-a virtuous woman "percieveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night" so that got me to thinking. I know that my biggest desire is to live up to this passage of scripture- it has become sort of a creed for me, and I have changed aspects of my life and gone out of my way to make sure that I am being a virtuous woman.

Well, part of being a virtuous woman then, according to verse 18, is knowing that you are a virtuous woman- you don't have to flaunt it, but you have to recognize that you have divine worth and use it to make you a better person. So- in all my struggles, and in all my picking, I have started throwing that virtuous woman that I was trying to maintain out the window. So, ladies and gentleman, the window is now closed!

I know that I am beautiful and intelligent. While my deepest desire is to someday marry and have a family, I deserve the family of a virtuous woman and I don't have to settle for just any shmuck off the street (that's right I'm using yiddish, get over it!) I also don't have to settle for thinking that I am "the fat sister" because in that way I am selling myself short- I am beautiful! People have said this to me before- I've always had a hard time accepting it...so now, I am going to work on being able to accept that complement and know that it is true. True beauty isn't about weight or the size of dress that you wear- it is about a lot of things, it comes from within, it comes from striving to be a virtuous woman, and if someone can't see that- if they can't recognize that you are beautiful when you know that you are, then they obviously aren't looking for a virtuous woman- they obviously don't want the very best- which means they aren't the very best and aren't what you as a virtuous woman deserves!

So- ladies and gents, I don't know if any of this makes sense, its late and I should be sleeping...but I had to share! A virtuous woman percieves that her merchandise is good...how much do you think you are worth? I know that I am a daughter of God, he loves me, he has given me boundless opportunities and endless potential. I know that I am amazing, I know that I am smart, I know that I have love in my life (and don't worry Ambs I am going to use it [wink!] ) I am going to wake up every morning from now on and tell myself that I am beautiful and I am going to keep doing it until I completely believe it, until all of those insecurities that have been engrained in me slip away. I have so much potential- I am so sad that I forgot to see it for even a minute. I guess we're not all perfect, but darn it, I sure do try to be! I know that I have a lot of work to do, I know that I'll probably slip every now and again and let myself feel like I'm not worth much because I'm not exactly the world's standard of beautiful- but who cares about the world?! I am beautiful enough for me and for the Lord and that should be all that matters!

To all my sistahs out there- hang in there- you are just as beautiful and marvelous and fantastic as me...and if you don't believe it then keep telling yourself that you are until you believe it! Its funny, as a teacher, I use the whole "fake it till you make it" technique all the time... even if I don't feel completely competent as long as I don't let anyone know that I'm not no one catches on, and I am free to learn from the mistakes that I make... in this case I am kind of going to be using that same technique...not that I have to fake being beautiful, but I think for a little while I'm going to have to try to push back those negative thoughts and convince myself that I am worth more than I give myself credit for sometimes.

I love epiphanies...I just wish they wouldn't happen so late at night and that they would make sense the next day (believe me, I really hope this makes sense, and if it doesn't I apologize...I'll clarify it better when I'm not sleepy!)

Hugs and kisses until next time all! And remember- you are beautiful, handsome, amazing, wonderful, fantastic, glorious and extremely talented- take time to make sure that you believe it because I know that I sure do!

Since people complain.....GEEZ....

Hey all-

Well I've had some complaints that I haven't updated in a while...apparently people enjoy my frazzled and crazy view on life (who knew???!!!!)

So...the biggest news is that I moved home with my parental unit for the rest of the summer. I had been in great debate about this issue for a while due to the fact that I had to basically see my ex everywhere...we're cool, I'm not mad at him and he wants to be friends...so you ask- what is the problem? The problem is I apparently am turning into a crazy ex girlfriend and have found it almost impossible to turn off my feelings for him...go figure- I guess someone in the family needed to be crazy... Well, at any rate...that wasn't the final decision for the big move- in fact, I didn't want to move home and feel like I was running away from my problems, I wanted to face them like a real woman- with lots of chick flicks and a simultaneous affair with two men one called Ben, the other Jerry... No, God made the final decision...funny story...

So, I was going home for the weekend for Holly and Aaron's baby shower in Idaho Falls and I finally had had enough...I was sick of being sick. For the last year and a half I have been putting on a brave face and have not been complaining about several big health issues that I knew meant Bad News Bears...mostly because every time I went to a doctor about them they looked at me like I was taking crazy pills and gave me a pill that was supposed to solve the problem and sent me on my way...so I did what any normal (well semi-normal, we've already established that I'm crazy) grown woman would do...I called my nurse of an older sister and complained... maybe she looked at me like I was taking crazy pills ( I couldn't tell, she was on the other end of the phone line....) but she agreed to make an appointment with this new Nurse Practitioner that she introduced me to and I absolutely love.

So that was the prologue, here is the story. Its Sunday night, I'd just finished a conversation with my parents and my awesome brother about my thoughts of moving home so I wouldn't have to deal with seeing my adorable, gorgeous too pretty for me ex...(I told ya, crazy!!!!!) and they all were in agreement...moving home would be in essence running away from my problems...they basically said I needed another reason that was bigger or better because I just needed to grow up and suck it up and get over it like a woman should (see the aforementioned prescription...Ben and Jerry and chick flicks, what a beautiful combo!) So I went to bed and before I lay my perfectly coiffed hair and clean face on my pillow I decided to pray, in this prayer I said "Heavenly Father...I don't want to move home if it means I'm running away...if I'm supposed to move home give me another reason..." Well, I didn't even consider that I was going to the doctor...in fact, I had quite reserved myself to the fact that I was most likely going to be told that I was a hypochondriac and needed to be put in a psyche ward...I just thought that I would have it dawn on me in the morning- I thought I would just magically have a good reason come to me....Well, it came and it wasn't so magical...

Sooooo....Amber went with me (because that is what nursely older sisters love to do!) and we're sitting in the doctor's office and I'm telling my NP all of my symptoms and she's nodding her head and instead of the crazy face she has a different look- a look of concern... Long story short- after all the math was done with my symptoms it didn't spell healthy (okay I know math and spelling don't normally mix, but in my crazy world I say they do!) In essence, my extended periods of hypertension ( known to the common man as high blood pressure) an infection I'd been dealing with for a year, and my insulin resistance finally put some fire under a doctor's bum! She basically said that her concern was that the insulin resistance was no longer a metabolic syndrome but Diabetes and that my kidneys were malfunctioning because of it, leading to high blood pressure and my body's inability to fight infection! She basically said, that, even without laboratory work, I was one sick little girl and while I didn't exactly have to move home, she had a feeling that for the next few months she needed to be able to keep a close eye on me while I tried to get my blood pressure under control and learn how to deal with my metabolic syndrome more correctly.

Go me! I ask God to take one trial away-dealing with the one that ran away, far far far far away- and he says "Okay Britt, I'll let you move home if that is what you want, but here- take this brand new shiny trial and deal with that!" I'm not complaining- I'm actually kind of happy that I found out what was wrong. Now I can deal with it, get stronger and healthier, and I can laugh in the face of all the doctors who gave me a pill and sent me on my way (after giving me crazy face...)

So- the results are in...my metabolic syndrome isn't Diabetes (yet) however, I was about two points away from Diabetes...and the doc was very happy to hear that I was going to be closer for the rest of the summer so she could moniter my progress. I am now on a pill...a wonder pill apparently, that makes my body metabolize sugar- because, lucky me, it doesnt, and I'll be on it for the rest of my life... but I have to be at a rather large dose and the side effects that you deal with as you gradually raise the dose to a treatment level are not pretty or fun...I won't elaborate, just trust me. I also have to meet with a dietician...the doc says my diet sounds pretty close to what they'll ask me to do, but there are a few new things that they've discovered about metabolic syndrome in the last few years that make your treatment more effective. As for my kidneys- yes, they are being effected, which is why the high blood pressure is going on...but the doc says that once my sugars are under control and I lose about 10 pounds that should go away (hopefully, especially given my family history) Funny side note...apparently my cholestorol level is too low....I didn't even know that is possible, but apparently it is...that's right, I have low cholestorol- don't get too excited...it doesn't mean I get to go out and eat french fries and onion rings...it means that I need to start taking a fiber supplement....which I was actually already doing- so not much change there. I also need to be checking my blood sugar- so I have a handy dandy glucometer (not quite as cool as the Blue's Clues notebook, but I'm sure I can decorate it or something... and it records stuff, that's cool...right?)

So...yeah...I'm home and I'm on my way to being healthy. We hope....I'm also nannying for Amber this summer, painting posts at the apartment complex and taking on odd jobs here and there- all not really because I need to, but because I have to not be sitting around all day or I'll feel like I'm wasting this opportunity to find ways to do something more than fulfill my life long wish of sitting around all day with Ben and Jerry and General Hospital. I'm having fun and enjoying an opportunity to get closer to the fam...which I didn't think was possible...but yes it is...
apparently...

I use that word a lot... apparently...hmmm....a new quirk to add to the bucket 'o quirks...good times.

Well, that's about as updated as it gets...if something new or exciting happens I'll let you know...but apparently (hmmm another one) you people enjoy the boring and droll happenings in the world of the Brittany...I'm honored and flattered...really...

Hugs and Loves until next time- Diva OUT!

Am I good???? No, I'm amazing!!!!!

So, here it is y'all, my brand spankin' new handbag, sewn by hand, by me in about 2 days! I even made my own pattern, how good am I????

Uhhh....yeah...

Hey Y'all-

Here I am, back in the blogosphere...

Not much to report...its summertime and all the things that I thought were going to happen are not going to happen, but that is okay- I'm working on figuring out where I am supposed to be and that is a good for me.

I'm just going to say it- I was engaged for 3 wonderful months to the most wonderful guy I've ever met- although it was unofficial because he kept finding excuses not to go get the ring we picked out- plans were on the backburner for a July or August wedding and he changed his mind...all I have to say is getting your heart broken sucks big time! I thought I'd found my happy beginning (that's right, beginning, because we all know that fairytales shouldn't end when the damsel finds her prince charming- there is so much more to the story) I guess the worst part is that he even admits that I was the perfect girlfriend and that he is crazy to let me go, but he had to because he just isn't ready and doesn't want to be unfair to me...

Well, life goes on and plans change...I'm dealing with it and trying to move forward, its been difficult but I have been so fortunate to find good friends and have family to support me and help me to come up with ideas on how to continue to move forward. There are many ideas buzzing around in my head, I have no clue where I'm going, but I guess I have to have faith and let God lead me by the hand. I have a testimony of the importance of and the need for a strong relationship with our Father in Heaven, I have needed him so much and he has always been there for me. This doesn't mean that I have it all figured out, but I am working on it.

So, what am I doing with myself? I'll have to say that reassimilating to single life has been difficult. I was basically with my ex every day for 3 months (he even followed me home for spring break!) I've found that things are a lot easier if I keep busy. I am working as a respite aid for a sweet lady here in Missoula. I work with her 5 year old daughter who has downsyndrome and cerebral palsy. It is so nice to go somewhere and forget about myself and my problems for a little bit. I change diapers, watch to make sure she doesn't overstimulate herself because she vomits if she does. I have also watched almost every episode from seasons 1 and 2 of the Muppet show (her favorite) and have fetched a ball about 15 million times (her having me chase around after it is her version of playing catch.) I'm learning sign language to work with her because she doesn't have much ability to speak. She understands what you are saying when you talk to her, but she can't voice back what she wants and needs- she knows all the important signs- movie, ball, and bedtime! She is so cute and it has been such a pleasure to work with her.

I have also been spending time trying to discover more about Missoula. The more time I spend out and about, the more I find things that I like. Missoula is very much like Europe- I know Montana and Europe, who would have made that connection? I like to shop around in the Downtown area, there are tons of cute little shops with lots to see and everyone just parks their cars and walks- which is very much like Europe- there are also street musicians everywhere- not just guitar players (like you might find in any other town) but string quartets, a cello player, and a little concert band- very very European, if you don't believe me, just go to any old town center in Germany or the Czech Republic! This last Saturday I had the opportunity to go out for a girls day with my friend Kimmie. We went to the farmer's market (fresh produce and veggies straight from the source, another European connection because that is what they do in Germany, you don't get much produce from the store, you always go to the farmer's market on the weekends) and then we went to the people's market, which reminded me so much of Prague, it made me remember why I would have no problem living in Europe some day if I had to. I bought three cute headbands from this girl that makes recycled clothing...

Okay, so you're probably wondering, what is recycled clothing? This girl goes to thrift stores and good will and buys t-shirts and other fabrics and cuts them up to make something new and chic...she had the cutest skirts made out of old t-shirts! I almost bought one, but I'd only brought $40 with me and it was $28- yep, I'm kind of a cheapskate. But, all of that ingenuity has given me a stroke of creativity. I have wanted a new handbag for a while, but I haven't been able to find one that I like. I saw tons at the people's market, but they were ridiculously overpriced and I was like "you know, I could probably go to JoAnn fabric or Wal-Mart and buy the stuff to make a handbag that I would really like all by myself for like $5!" So that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to buy some posterboard and try to concoct a pattern based off of the handbags I saw at the market...I may crash and burn horribly, or I may come out with something cool and one of a kind- who knows, maybe I could buy a bunch of stuff if it turns out well and pay the $10 to get a booth spot at the people's market and sell my own for cheaper and make tons of money as an up and coming handbag designer!

I have a lot to look forward to, but at the same time, I have been wanting to put my tail between my legs and run home for the rest of the summer. However, as Donna Summer would sing I WILL SURVIVE! I have a lot of decisions to make, and I will certainly keep you all posted on what is up...

As far as my plans to take out my temple endowments are concerned...I finally went to the Bishop about it last Tuesday (I have been single for a month and I felt like I would be making that big step for the right reasons rather than out of spite because I'm no longer engaged) but, despite his earlier assessment that I would definitely be able to take them out by the beginning of the summer (which was before I started dating my ex) he now feels like I need to wait a little longer. Which sucks, I'm not going to lie, I feel ready...but he is the bishop and he knows and understands things that I don't...so I'm okay with it...I guess it just gives me some more time to figure out my place in this world...

Well, lets sum things up- getting your heart broken sucks, I'm enjoying my job, Missoula is like Europe, and I am going to become the next big handbag designer...uhhh...maybe...

Well, Hugs and Loves! I miss you all!