Okay...so without going too much into the events of the weekend, I will just say that I am annoyed and a slight bit peturbed still....
I went to the Metropolitan Opera Auditions in Spokane, WA over the weekend. The Mets are usually an enriching and exciting experience; this weekend, however, was filled with confusion and disappointment. I had amazing audience feedback, my teacher got teary eyed and I felt pretty good about how I'd done (the only thing that was making me upset was that they didn't ask for a second aria...but then again, half of the people were in the same boat as me.)
The coordinator had given the judges some bad instructions and they were trying to save time by not asking for a second aria, but it left those of us who weren't asked to sing a second aria at a disadvantage(in other words, all of the winners got a chance to redeem themselves by singing a second aria). The piano was up at full staff and none of us had had the opportunity to test the acoustics of the room in advance...usually they ASK if you want the piano up at half or full staff, or if you want the staff up at all and everyone gets an opportunity to atleast hum in the hall and figure out how to adjust your voice. I was willing to over look these things, until I talked to the judges and got totally contradictory feedback and told in so many words that I pretty much suck...they had NOTHING encouraging to say NOTHING, it was all negative and mean and nit picky and harsh...
Well, needless to say, the word on the street is that the coordinator in Spokane has been "let go" and the auditions will be returning to Missoula next year to the hands of people who know what they are doing and how to give everyone a fair chance. I'm still a little peturbed. I had amazing audience feedback and I felt that I had performed a personal best at the Mets and it felt like, in talking to the judges, I was being fed to the wolves. I'm also not a confrontational person, so when my voice instructor and his wife (the head of the voice department here at UM) asked if I had tried to stick up for myself, all I could do was shake my head... I didn't feel like I needed to rationalize my performance to someone who had already formed a negative opinion about me. I simply shook their hands and thanked them for their input... but apparently they didn't have anything nice to say to anyone...
Oh well, its a learning experience, right? Who knows where I will be next year...I've been given a few very solid job offers to stay here in the Missoula area (if I stay I'm moving to Stevensville, there is a stronger LDS community there and a different singles ward...plus a change of scenery to the Bitteroot couldn't hurt, its amazingly beautiful out there) I also know that I could go on a mission if I wanted to, but there is still the issue of student loan debt that makes me a little nervous to do so right away. I also know that BYU-I is still a viable option and that Christine Czinsky (a world famous soprano who happens to teach adjunct there) would love to have me. WE shall see...I'm taking it all in stride and one step at a time.
Perhaps this weekend will be something I can look back on and be glad for later. Right now, I'm just annoyed and confused. I thought I had made so much progress in the last few months and now I feel like dirt. Oh well, c'est la vie...time to make some lemonade cuz I have a whole barrel full of lemons!
CHEERS! : ) Hugs and Loves until next time!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Movie pick of the week
Okay, so I've had Netflix for a while, and I'm loving it. I'm taking chances and I've uncovered a few jewels. I've decided that I want to give a movie pick for people to try once a week. You can try to find it at your local video store, or if you have Netflix, you can enjoy it almost right away!
Here is my pick for the week:
Here is my pick for the week:
It was a movie that was suggested for me to watch instantly on my computer- so for all you Netflixheads out there, you can go to the Instant section and watch it right now, which I strongly suggest!
This is the sweetest little movie. It is filled with little heartwarming moments and characters that remind you of people you actually know. It is well acted and the script is amazing.
In this story, Mrs. Palfrey moves to London and lives in the Claremont Hotel, so as not to be a nuisance and a trouble to her grown daughter. She has a grandson that lives in London, but, in spite of her attempts to make contact with him, he never comes to visit. One day, she meets Ludwig Meyer (Ludo) and her life changes. All of a sudden she has the family she has always wanted, and while people are touching her life, she doesn't realize how much she touches their's. Its a little bit of a tear jerker, but it is worth the hour and forty five minutes that you will spend.
So...here is my movie pick of the week- Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont.
It has also given me a new quote that is some food for thought:
"Destiny draws you to the path, what we do after that is up to us."
Happy Movie Night!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
To Go or not to Go...
So, I've been struggling a lot lately with what I should do after I graduate. I've been praying and praying and have really gotten no firm answers. I've felt good about BYU-I, but in all my praying, I finally came to the real conclusion this morning. I've been avoiding it because there are some hurdles standing in my way and...I'm scared. It's so funny that I am scared of what I know I should do, but I am. I guess I'm just scared because it was never part of my plan (that and I have kept telling everyone for years that I wouldn't do it, that I didn't feel like I should.)
I'm talking about serving a mission. Here, however, are my hurdles to making this a possibility... 1) I don't have any money saved up to do this. 2) I have a little over $1000 in credit card debt and 3) I also will have (by the time I graduate) about $45,000 in student loan debt, and last but not least, 4) I am worried about my family. Things have gotten better than they were in the last few years, I don't want to go into too much description, but let's just say things were a mess for a while.; Sometimes, I worry that if I go too far away, that everything will crash and burn.
It was so nice to be with them all this weekend. Amber and I both agreed that, for a while, it seemed like we were all kids again. It was true, its so funny to see how none of us have really changed- we all are still who we were when we were little, only this time, we're better. I don't want any of that to change.
So, here I sit. I sit, and I wonder. I don't want to have any regrets when I stand before my God on judgement day. I don't want to wander aimlessly anymore, hoping that I am making the right decision when I really know what the right decision is. But how do I do this? How can I make it possible? Its not like I have a rich uncle or patron who would be willing to fork over zillions of dollars. I know that hurdle #2 can be easily overcome by me, in fact, I'd already planned on being out of credit card debt by the time I graduate, its just hurdle #3 and #4 that are keeping me concerned. I'm also worried that I am too old. I worry that my family will think that the only reason I am going is because I just can't seem to find Mr. Right...but that wouldn't be my reason at all.
I have such a strong testimony. I'm not trying to boast or be prideful...but when you consider where I've come from, the transformation can't be denied as remarkable. I have my own Alma the younger story, I think in a small way, we all do. I wasted so much time being mad at God because of the death of my father...I never really was hurting him as much as I was hurting myself. Thank God for his wisdom and for people willing to work and be tools in his hands. Thank God for a feeble testimony that grew with a small scripture passage "Oh, is it not true?" I feel like the Grinch in a way...my testimony grew 3 sizes that day...
Okay, and now I'm rhyming...
All I can say is that I know that I worked for the cause of free agency before I came to this earth. I know that I continue to work for this cause in my own way, but I have a feeling that there are many friends that I was parted from in the pre-existence who begged me to help them when they knew that they wouldn't be born into a home with the gospel. I need to find them, I need to help them. In a way, I feel like to make up for all the time I wasted being angry with God I need to be like Alma the Younger, and dedicate my life to him. Its strange isn't it? When God gives you a commandment that seems insurmountable....I am so overwhelmed right now that I am shaking. I really don't know to do or where to start.
I worry that leaving means that I am giving up on things that I have been working for in school and in life. I know God will find a way to use my talents, he always does. I just don't know if I am really prepared for this, but I know I have to do this. As surely as I know the Gospel is true, I know that I have to do this!
How can it not be true? It makes too much sense! I can answer questions that some people search their whole life to find the answer to... Who am I? I am a spirit daughter of Heavenly Father, he loves me dearly. Where am I going? Temporally, I may not know that answer all the time, but I have faith that a loving Father in Heaven will lead me down the right path. As far as where I will ultimately end up, I pray that it will be to dwell in my Father's presence in the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. I pray that I will be like him and my brother Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I have been anointed in the temple to be a Queen and Priestess in Heaven. I know that if I remain faithful to my covenants that this will be so. Why are we here? That is the easy part- we are here to learn, we are here to exercise free agency. If you really like to be annoying, we are here to thwart Lucifer's plan. Through sin and transgression, Lucifer (Satan) fights to take away our free agency as he had planned to do in the counsel in heaven. The choices we make are only really free until the point that we choose, when we choose to sin, Satan wins and then you have no agency, you become a bound to that sin and to him.
I know that I believe in the words of God. I believe that the bible is true, as far as it is translated correctly, and I believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. I believe that through feasting on the words of God, you feed your spirit and can draw the Holy Ghost more closer to you, he will be a constant companion if you let him. I know that God loves and takes care of his children, he may not give you all the answers or all you ask for at the very minute you ask him, but with patience and with an understanding that He has his own purpose for you and He has his own timeline, an eternal timeline, you can be content and realize that he gives you more than you bargained for...you just have to look around to find it. I believe in the words of prophets, ancient and modern day. It doesn't make sense to believe that a loving God would leave us only with the bible and say "that's enough, figure it out for yourselves!" He still speaks to us today, through 15 wonderful men who sit at the head of Christ's true church, all who are sustained as prophets, seers, and revelators. Only one of them may have the authority to fully exercise those keys, but just think of how close to the spirit they must be to have that mantle placed on them? I know that Thomas S. Monson is a true and living prophet. I know he exercises those keys of authority through the power of God and that his words are true and helpful. I know that as we listen to the prophet and the apostles, as we take their counsel into our lives and use it, our lives will become easier. It is so much easier to lead a Christ centered life. People often say, "you don't really have any freedom,the church tells you what to do." No...no... the church gives us commands from God and we choose to obey, we choose freedom or we choose captivity at that hands of Satan...who is not a gentle master. I don't know about all of you, but I would rather be free than be a slave to worldy vices at the hands of Satan. I see it in my own family at times, and it isn't fun. Oh, how I long for the day when I can see family members who allow themselves to be slaves to Satan break free from their bonds and chains. Its so funny, because some of them haven't really done anything wrong, they allow their spouses to bind them down and have lost faith in themselves as children of God, and in the Saviour and his redeeming love. EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING is possible through the Savior and his Atoning Sacrifice. If you don't believe me, just read the Book of Mormon. The Atonement goes so much deeper than just being a sacrifice for our sins. Its redeeming power extends into every corner of our lives if we will have the faith to let it.
I guess I just need to exercise faith. If serving a mission is what I need to do, God will make it happen somehow. He will help me find the way to jump over the hurdles that are in front of me and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to let go of things and let him take the reigns, which is not easy for me. I have a need to control things and plan everything out, I pray for the strength to let go and have faith.
This is my humble testimony and prayer. I leave it in the name of my Brother, Saviour, and Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, Amen.
Please be praying for me as I try to figure out how to make this possible. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to bless me with them.
I'm talking about serving a mission. Here, however, are my hurdles to making this a possibility... 1) I don't have any money saved up to do this. 2) I have a little over $1000 in credit card debt and 3) I also will have (by the time I graduate) about $45,000 in student loan debt, and last but not least, 4) I am worried about my family. Things have gotten better than they were in the last few years, I don't want to go into too much description, but let's just say things were a mess for a while.; Sometimes, I worry that if I go too far away, that everything will crash and burn.
It was so nice to be with them all this weekend. Amber and I both agreed that, for a while, it seemed like we were all kids again. It was true, its so funny to see how none of us have really changed- we all are still who we were when we were little, only this time, we're better. I don't want any of that to change.
So, here I sit. I sit, and I wonder. I don't want to have any regrets when I stand before my God on judgement day. I don't want to wander aimlessly anymore, hoping that I am making the right decision when I really know what the right decision is. But how do I do this? How can I make it possible? Its not like I have a rich uncle or patron who would be willing to fork over zillions of dollars. I know that hurdle #2 can be easily overcome by me, in fact, I'd already planned on being out of credit card debt by the time I graduate, its just hurdle #3 and #4 that are keeping me concerned. I'm also worried that I am too old. I worry that my family will think that the only reason I am going is because I just can't seem to find Mr. Right...but that wouldn't be my reason at all.
I have such a strong testimony. I'm not trying to boast or be prideful...but when you consider where I've come from, the transformation can't be denied as remarkable. I have my own Alma the younger story, I think in a small way, we all do. I wasted so much time being mad at God because of the death of my father...I never really was hurting him as much as I was hurting myself. Thank God for his wisdom and for people willing to work and be tools in his hands. Thank God for a feeble testimony that grew with a small scripture passage "Oh, is it not true?" I feel like the Grinch in a way...my testimony grew 3 sizes that day...
Okay, and now I'm rhyming...
All I can say is that I know that I worked for the cause of free agency before I came to this earth. I know that I continue to work for this cause in my own way, but I have a feeling that there are many friends that I was parted from in the pre-existence who begged me to help them when they knew that they wouldn't be born into a home with the gospel. I need to find them, I need to help them. In a way, I feel like to make up for all the time I wasted being angry with God I need to be like Alma the Younger, and dedicate my life to him. Its strange isn't it? When God gives you a commandment that seems insurmountable....I am so overwhelmed right now that I am shaking. I really don't know to do or where to start.
I worry that leaving means that I am giving up on things that I have been working for in school and in life. I know God will find a way to use my talents, he always does. I just don't know if I am really prepared for this, but I know I have to do this. As surely as I know the Gospel is true, I know that I have to do this!
How can it not be true? It makes too much sense! I can answer questions that some people search their whole life to find the answer to... Who am I? I am a spirit daughter of Heavenly Father, he loves me dearly. Where am I going? Temporally, I may not know that answer all the time, but I have faith that a loving Father in Heaven will lead me down the right path. As far as where I will ultimately end up, I pray that it will be to dwell in my Father's presence in the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. I pray that I will be like him and my brother Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I have been anointed in the temple to be a Queen and Priestess in Heaven. I know that if I remain faithful to my covenants that this will be so. Why are we here? That is the easy part- we are here to learn, we are here to exercise free agency. If you really like to be annoying, we are here to thwart Lucifer's plan. Through sin and transgression, Lucifer (Satan) fights to take away our free agency as he had planned to do in the counsel in heaven. The choices we make are only really free until the point that we choose, when we choose to sin, Satan wins and then you have no agency, you become a bound to that sin and to him.
I know that I believe in the words of God. I believe that the bible is true, as far as it is translated correctly, and I believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. I believe that through feasting on the words of God, you feed your spirit and can draw the Holy Ghost more closer to you, he will be a constant companion if you let him. I know that God loves and takes care of his children, he may not give you all the answers or all you ask for at the very minute you ask him, but with patience and with an understanding that He has his own purpose for you and He has his own timeline, an eternal timeline, you can be content and realize that he gives you more than you bargained for...you just have to look around to find it. I believe in the words of prophets, ancient and modern day. It doesn't make sense to believe that a loving God would leave us only with the bible and say "that's enough, figure it out for yourselves!" He still speaks to us today, through 15 wonderful men who sit at the head of Christ's true church, all who are sustained as prophets, seers, and revelators. Only one of them may have the authority to fully exercise those keys, but just think of how close to the spirit they must be to have that mantle placed on them? I know that Thomas S. Monson is a true and living prophet. I know he exercises those keys of authority through the power of God and that his words are true and helpful. I know that as we listen to the prophet and the apostles, as we take their counsel into our lives and use it, our lives will become easier. It is so much easier to lead a Christ centered life. People often say, "you don't really have any freedom,the church tells you what to do." No...no... the church gives us commands from God and we choose to obey, we choose freedom or we choose captivity at that hands of Satan...who is not a gentle master. I don't know about all of you, but I would rather be free than be a slave to worldy vices at the hands of Satan. I see it in my own family at times, and it isn't fun. Oh, how I long for the day when I can see family members who allow themselves to be slaves to Satan break free from their bonds and chains. Its so funny, because some of them haven't really done anything wrong, they allow their spouses to bind them down and have lost faith in themselves as children of God, and in the Saviour and his redeeming love. EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING is possible through the Savior and his Atoning Sacrifice. If you don't believe me, just read the Book of Mormon. The Atonement goes so much deeper than just being a sacrifice for our sins. Its redeeming power extends into every corner of our lives if we will have the faith to let it.
I guess I just need to exercise faith. If serving a mission is what I need to do, God will make it happen somehow. He will help me find the way to jump over the hurdles that are in front of me and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to let go of things and let him take the reigns, which is not easy for me. I have a need to control things and plan everything out, I pray for the strength to let go and have faith.
This is my humble testimony and prayer. I leave it in the name of my Brother, Saviour, and Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, Amen.
Please be praying for me as I try to figure out how to make this possible. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to bless me with them.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Ahhhhh the power of Netflix
This isn't a blog so much as its an observation...
On crappy days that seem to be leading you into crappy weeks you tend to be in certain moods. My frustration had been mounting because these moods for me are often accompanied by the mood to watch a certain movie or show. While my collection is actually quite good, I've been finding lately that I don't have what I want and then I go out in the big wide world to search for it...
Finally, I broke down- I got a Netflix account (GASP!!!!!!!) I have to say that I am pleasantly impressed. Not only can I find my British movie and miniseries adaptations of the classic novels that I love so much, I can also find the Bollywood musicals that I adore. I've missed Bollywood-its been way too long since I had a Bollywood party,and now I can have one as soon as my movies get here. Let's hope they're here before I leave for Idaho on Thursday because a) I would love to share the Bollywood joy with my family, its quite the spectacle and b) I also ordered a disc out of the series "The Road to Avonlea" and if Amber and I get to have our Anne of Green Gables marathon then we can add to the Prince Edward Island mania by watching one of the best episodes of "the Road to Avonlea" ever- its called Hearts and Flowers and it is HI-LARIOUS!
So...now, in spite of a crap weekend and bad day today, I get to have the joy of Jane Eyre- which totally matches my mood right now. Thank you Netflix- thank you for letting me watch movies and television on my computer and thank you for letting me have something in the mail to look forward to...
Ahhhh the power of Netflix!
On crappy days that seem to be leading you into crappy weeks you tend to be in certain moods. My frustration had been mounting because these moods for me are often accompanied by the mood to watch a certain movie or show. While my collection is actually quite good, I've been finding lately that I don't have what I want and then I go out in the big wide world to search for it...
Finally, I broke down- I got a Netflix account (GASP!!!!!!!) I have to say that I am pleasantly impressed. Not only can I find my British movie and miniseries adaptations of the classic novels that I love so much, I can also find the Bollywood musicals that I adore. I've missed Bollywood-its been way too long since I had a Bollywood party,and now I can have one as soon as my movies get here. Let's hope they're here before I leave for Idaho on Thursday because a) I would love to share the Bollywood joy with my family, its quite the spectacle and b) I also ordered a disc out of the series "The Road to Avonlea" and if Amber and I get to have our Anne of Green Gables marathon then we can add to the Prince Edward Island mania by watching one of the best episodes of "the Road to Avonlea" ever- its called Hearts and Flowers and it is HI-LARIOUS!
So...now, in spite of a crap weekend and bad day today, I get to have the joy of Jane Eyre- which totally matches my mood right now. Thank you Netflix- thank you for letting me watch movies and television on my computer and thank you for letting me have something in the mail to look forward to...
Ahhhh the power of Netflix!
Friday, September 19, 2008
FLOOOOOAAAAATTTTTT!
So, I'm sitting here at the Institute. Its 10:18 at night, and let's say, I'm pooped...I've been here since 6 PM working on the float and there is still more to do. I just thought I'd take a moment out of my busy schedule to do this...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I feel better now...hooray, I get to get up at 6:30 tomorrow to get ready to help with the float some more, and we still have atleast 4 hours of work left here...tomorrow is going to be SO MUCH FUN...(can you smell the sarcasm in the room? I can!)
Well, I'm off, my artistic skills are needed!
HUGS!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I feel better now...hooray, I get to get up at 6:30 tomorrow to get ready to help with the float some more, and we still have atleast 4 hours of work left here...tomorrow is going to be SO MUCH FUN...(can you smell the sarcasm in the room? I can!)
Well, I'm off, my artistic skills are needed!
HUGS!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Trusting in the Lord...
SOoooo its Sunday, and I'm sitting in the Institute building because I don't really want to go home...Go figure- I love my roomies, I just can't be in the chaos that is my apartment since the whole puddle in my room debachle...
I've been struggling lately. Now is the time that I need to be figuring out what I am going to do with myself once I graduate...and lets just say I've been a little confused and otherwise discombobulated by what I've been finding. Originally, I had decided that I wanted to teach at the University level once I was finished; however, that hasn't worked out so well because now I find that in the Voice category of music teachers at the collegiate level, you have to have a Doctorate to apply for almost all Associate Professor positions. So I was back to square one...
I have been praying and praying, and quite frankly, I have been feeling like I'm sitting in a dark room, I know the Savior is there, but I can't find his hand so that he can guide me. I have a lot of options being thrown at me from all directions and I just don't know where to turn. The only thing that I know for sure is what I DON'T want...I don't think I want a performing career anymore. Now that I've been to the temple I think I've been given a new purpose and focus...For the most part, a performance career would require that I give less time to the Lord and miss church for performances, rehearsals, etc. While I love being on the stage with my whole heart, I cannot picture a life where I would allow myself to be so far removed from the spirit. My experiences of late have drawn me closer to the Savior than I ever thought possible.
Well, in all my praying, I have been having definite feelings about BYU-Idaho...I didn't know why, as far as I could see there weren't even any adjunct openings in the voice department for me (yes...adjunct, a part time professor, that is what a Master's degree will get you kiddies!) I was talking to my sister Amber the other day about my woes and she said something that struck a nerve...she said "Well, what about getting a teaching degree? How long would that take you? You could do it at BYU-I." I felt my pulse quicken and I got all excited. So, I promised Amber that I would inquire as soon as I could about this possibility. I recieved a return email from the head of the music department, he was super nice and he definitely had some great information for me. I wouldn't have to start over, but I would have to spend another 2 years atleast getting my education credentials and I would have to go through the College of Education. Well, I prayed about it, and I felt good about it...for a while...but then I started to doubt myself. I didn't know if I was really feeling the spirit tell me that this was what I was supposed to be doing or if it was me just wanting to go home for a while (I have been very VERY homesick since I came back to Montana.)
Well, I was feeling even more confused and down and it just seemed like it was taking too much of a toll. I finally prayed and told God that he needed to stop because I couldn't handle anymore! I had the impression that I needed to talk to my dear old Bishop. I love the Priesthood...how lucky are we as members of the LDS church to know that the Priesthood keys have been restored...It was so nice to talk to him. He put things into perspective, then I asked him to give me a blessing. When I asked he said "I actually was already planning on it, but I'm glad you asked."
I feel so dumb sometimes for letting Satan pull me down. I have been feeling for a while that something BIG is coming. I don't know what it is, but I know that it is of eternal significance in my life. Satan is doing everything he can to make me doubt myself, my abilities, and my faith. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who gently pokes me in the side until I figure out that this is going on. So, after the blessing I am feeling some new purpose and focus.
I have made my decision. I just sent an email to the Education department chair at BYU-Idaho to see what I need to do to apply for this program. I know that this is what I need to do. I know what some of you are thinking...a Doctorate will only take you 2 more years, why go to school for 2 more years to get your undergraduate teaching certification? Here is why...because that is what I feel God wants me to do, because I know that, in my heart of hearts, what I want more than anything is to inspire young people the way that I was inspired by my elementary, junior high, and high school music teachers. I want to be someone who makes a difference, I love the youth of this world, a lot of them experience struggles that I couldn't even imagine, and I feel like I have something to offer them (what it is I might never know, but darn it I'm going to offer it!)
I just need to be home, with "my people"...for those of you who aren't Mormon, you may be thinking that I am insane, that is okay, I wonder about my mental health a lot of the time...but what I do know is that I cannot deny how I feel. I know that God loves all of his children, and like any parent, he isn't just going to leave you alone to figure it out. We all have the power of personal revelation and if you can learn how God speaks to you, you are so much better off. It is so much easier to go through life knowing that you are being directed by someone who has eternal knowledge, by someone who can see further down the road than you. I have a purpose, I know where I will ultimately end up, its just figuring out the stops along the way that is the "fun" part. Just because its supposed to be the Plan of Happiness doesn't mean you will always be happy. You have to learn and grow from adversity, and t is in the times of confusion that you need to look to God. He knows where your going. He has the whole road map, you just have a map of each city as you pass through it.
I know I am on the verge of something great! I can't wait until I get to see what it is, but until then I will wait in eager anticipation with excitement. I have such an awesome road ahead and I think it will be a fun ride!
I've been struggling lately. Now is the time that I need to be figuring out what I am going to do with myself once I graduate...and lets just say I've been a little confused and otherwise discombobulated by what I've been finding. Originally, I had decided that I wanted to teach at the University level once I was finished; however, that hasn't worked out so well because now I find that in the Voice category of music teachers at the collegiate level, you have to have a Doctorate to apply for almost all Associate Professor positions. So I was back to square one...
I have been praying and praying, and quite frankly, I have been feeling like I'm sitting in a dark room, I know the Savior is there, but I can't find his hand so that he can guide me. I have a lot of options being thrown at me from all directions and I just don't know where to turn. The only thing that I know for sure is what I DON'T want...I don't think I want a performing career anymore. Now that I've been to the temple I think I've been given a new purpose and focus...For the most part, a performance career would require that I give less time to the Lord and miss church for performances, rehearsals, etc. While I love being on the stage with my whole heart, I cannot picture a life where I would allow myself to be so far removed from the spirit. My experiences of late have drawn me closer to the Savior than I ever thought possible.
Well, in all my praying, I have been having definite feelings about BYU-Idaho...I didn't know why, as far as I could see there weren't even any adjunct openings in the voice department for me (yes...adjunct, a part time professor, that is what a Master's degree will get you kiddies!) I was talking to my sister Amber the other day about my woes and she said something that struck a nerve...she said "Well, what about getting a teaching degree? How long would that take you? You could do it at BYU-I." I felt my pulse quicken and I got all excited. So, I promised Amber that I would inquire as soon as I could about this possibility. I recieved a return email from the head of the music department, he was super nice and he definitely had some great information for me. I wouldn't have to start over, but I would have to spend another 2 years atleast getting my education credentials and I would have to go through the College of Education. Well, I prayed about it, and I felt good about it...for a while...but then I started to doubt myself. I didn't know if I was really feeling the spirit tell me that this was what I was supposed to be doing or if it was me just wanting to go home for a while (I have been very VERY homesick since I came back to Montana.)
Well, I was feeling even more confused and down and it just seemed like it was taking too much of a toll. I finally prayed and told God that he needed to stop because I couldn't handle anymore! I had the impression that I needed to talk to my dear old Bishop. I love the Priesthood...how lucky are we as members of the LDS church to know that the Priesthood keys have been restored...It was so nice to talk to him. He put things into perspective, then I asked him to give me a blessing. When I asked he said "I actually was already planning on it, but I'm glad you asked."
I feel so dumb sometimes for letting Satan pull me down. I have been feeling for a while that something BIG is coming. I don't know what it is, but I know that it is of eternal significance in my life. Satan is doing everything he can to make me doubt myself, my abilities, and my faith. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who gently pokes me in the side until I figure out that this is going on. So, after the blessing I am feeling some new purpose and focus.
I have made my decision. I just sent an email to the Education department chair at BYU-Idaho to see what I need to do to apply for this program. I know that this is what I need to do. I know what some of you are thinking...a Doctorate will only take you 2 more years, why go to school for 2 more years to get your undergraduate teaching certification? Here is why...because that is what I feel God wants me to do, because I know that, in my heart of hearts, what I want more than anything is to inspire young people the way that I was inspired by my elementary, junior high, and high school music teachers. I want to be someone who makes a difference, I love the youth of this world, a lot of them experience struggles that I couldn't even imagine, and I feel like I have something to offer them (what it is I might never know, but darn it I'm going to offer it!)
I just need to be home, with "my people"...for those of you who aren't Mormon, you may be thinking that I am insane, that is okay, I wonder about my mental health a lot of the time...but what I do know is that I cannot deny how I feel. I know that God loves all of his children, and like any parent, he isn't just going to leave you alone to figure it out. We all have the power of personal revelation and if you can learn how God speaks to you, you are so much better off. It is so much easier to go through life knowing that you are being directed by someone who has eternal knowledge, by someone who can see further down the road than you. I have a purpose, I know where I will ultimately end up, its just figuring out the stops along the way that is the "fun" part. Just because its supposed to be the Plan of Happiness doesn't mean you will always be happy. You have to learn and grow from adversity, and t is in the times of confusion that you need to look to God. He knows where your going. He has the whole road map, you just have a map of each city as you pass through it.
I know I am on the verge of something great! I can't wait until I get to see what it is, but until then I will wait in eager anticipation with excitement. I have such an awesome road ahead and I think it will be a fun ride!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Not much to report
I figure its Labor Day and while I have the time, I might as well update everyone...My life is back to boring and normal (except for the puddle of water leaking from the upstairs apartment onto my bedroom floor) I did go and take some headshots at my friend Kimmie's studio the other day, here are a few pieces of photo vomit for everyone to enjoy...
Right now, I'm at a goodbye party for my friend Kristen, she left...sad day...but the party is still going strong. So, why am I in the library at the Institute with my computer typing away instead of partying it up? Here are a few good reasons:
1) ITs 6:30 PM, I've been here since 1...lets just say I'm getting a little partied out!
2) There is a cute boy sitting across the table from me doing his homework (hey, I like any nature lover like to stop and take time to enjoy the scenery ;)...)
3) I'm kind of mad at someone in one of the other rooms because he is kind of a confusing jerkface (no, its not my ex-fiance, but it IS his best friend...) I know... I sure know how to pick 'em right? and of course, TMI!
I've ben doing Karoake, Rock Band, Guitar Hero, and Dance Dance Revolution all day- this girl is SPENT! Just think, tomorrow I get to get up early and go to school- OH joy of joys! I Really should go get some dinner, my blood sugar is NOT happy right now (yes, my blood sugar now has human emotions, I've decided that it does- so THERE!)
Enjoy the headshot deliciousness!
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