There Once Was a Diva Named Brittany

Jumping Bean...not quite...

2012-01-29T19:21:00.001-07:00

My Mr. Nielson and I had started to notice that the Little Diva enjoys standing in our laps and then trying to bob up and down and up and down...we decided it was time to bring a gift to her when she was kind enough to take time to see us in her busy schedule between naps, chewing on her fists, bottles, and singing to her friends on her mobiles that are on her crib and bouncer....

We thought that she'd think that a Jumperoo bouncer that goes in the doorway would be pretty neat...Well...she thought it was....something...

That's right, a $20 brilliant gift, instantly turned into a fancy chew toy...

She finally did realize that it was possible to sit up by herself...

Note the slobber stained chin glistening in the daylight...

Note the unbridled joy in her face as this new contraption allowed her to sway back and forth and twist around, giving her a lovely view of either the living room, or the guest bathroom toilet...

Of course...she'd look around to see...

and if no one was looking...this is what we were reduced to...yet again...

I suppose, after this, we will allow our diva in training to pick how she spends her day...

It's good to be the princess....

Hugs, loves, and jumping beans until next time darlings....

DIY Cheap Nursery Decorations: Burp Cloth Holder

2012-01-26T10:41:00.001-07:00

Well, before stomach flu reared its ugly head, I managed to finish another craft for Faith's room. There really isn't a tutorial, as I felt that just looking at the finished craft was self explanatory.

When Jeff and I moved into my parent's house, we were using an old bookshelf I'd had since before college as storage for burp cloths and blankets. When we were moving to Vegas, we opted to let the bookshelf head off to greener pastures as it was about to fall apart or fall on someone. I didn't want that someone to be a crawling baby, and my husband wholeheartedly agreed. So...since we've been in Vegas, our burp cloths and blankets have been in a jumbled pile on the floor of the little diva's nursery. As I was finishing unpacking, I found a shoe box, and, as it would happen, the muses sang to me and I came up with this idea for a burp cloth holder.

The great thing about it, is that you can use the scraps of the scrapbook paper that you used to create the letters to cover the box. Literally, all you need is a shoe box, scrapbook paper, and modge podge or glue. Just be certain that some of the pieces wrap around the edges of the box, as it will look funny to have a piece of paper on the outside, a visible edge, and then the other piece of paper that is on the inside.

(See, I wrapped the yellow paper around the edge, and then covered the outside)

Its super easy to hang, all I used were 2 clear thumb tacks.

And here is a sad looking picture of the finished product, filled to the brim with burp cloths! (sorry its either my comp, blogger,or my card- but I'm having a hard time getting the pictures to load the way they appear on my screen.)

Happy crafting darlings!

A Healthier Me: Week 2 Roundup

2012-01-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Well...I didn't do so great last week with either of my goals. I only ended up working out 3 days of the week and I didn't do so hot at upping my water intake...In my defense, I haven't exactly been feeling the most amazing...

For those of you that don't happen to be my friends on Facebook, or have missed the status update I confirmed last week that I am indeed pregnant again...

For those of you keeping track my diva in training is 3 months old...She will be 11 months old when her new brother or sister arrives.

Don't think for one moment that this is going to sidetrack me from my goal to be a healthier me. In fact, if you begin a pregnancy overweight, it is actually safe to continue losing weight into the middle of your second trimester. As long as baby is getting the nutrition that he/she needs, baby will be healthy.

I will also say that I have noticed that exercise actually helps my morning sickness be less...there...for lacko of a better word...I'm still nauseous, but it doesn't knock me down on my rear like it did with my first pregnancy...with this in mind, I will continue my work out regemine at 4 times a week unless my doctor tells me otherwise at my first visit...which has yet to be scheduled.

My goal for this week is to really MEAN that I want to add more water to diet. I have to backtrack and allow myself to try again...

Well, in spite of taking a day off from exercise and not quite hitting my target with water intake- we didn't have any major slow down in the progress.

My new measurements are: 40- 34-42.5

If you're keeping track that is another inch from the bust (another surprise for sure), another half inch from the waist, and my hips finally decided to get in on the action and shed 1.5 inches. :)

Well, here's to progress...no matter how slow and steady...and no matter how much it will be thwarted in the weeks to come LOL.

Besides increasing water intake, I will add this mantra "Being pregnant doesn't give me an excuse to be a lump on a log." Knowing that it helps with my morning sickness helps me to keep motivated, but there are days (like last week) when I just want to give in, lay in bed all day and be sick.

Here's to motivation and mantras!

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Darling Diva's Kitchen- Crock Pot Curry Chicken

2012-01-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know about my recipe blog...you can find it here. However, I have decided that any more recipes I post will post to this blog (favoring the idea of having this blog be more of a beat all, end all kind of thing for simplicity for me). I will see if I can figure out how to archive or link recipes on the recipe blog to here so you can find them more easily. If I can't figure it out, I will make sure to find ways to post a link in each of the recipes I post here. Today I announced on Facebook that I was making crock pot chicken curry for dinner and I got some responses asking for the recipe. Since its one that I made up with the help of friends who know Indian cuisine, I decided I would post it here for ease and simplicity for me as well.

My love affair with Indian food is one that started too late in my life as far as I'm concerned. I love it! Its simple, yet complex, healthy (for the most part, or its easy to make healthy substitutions for unhealthy stuff) and is rich in flavor that doesn't come from salt and pepper but unique spice blends. I didn't discover Indian food until college last year. I went to Nepal night with my husband on a date (and partially because I had to go to a cultural evening for one of my education classes.) Needless to say, I. was. hooked! I spent the next two weeks researching authentic Indian cuisine and found a website that has not only authentic Indian recipes, but also shows you how to make your own Garam Masala, curry powder,and other Indian spice blends that are used for cooking. I don't cook Indian food enough to make my own spice blends (I wish I did...but you can only handle too much curry I'm afraid...) but I did learn a lot from the website.

I happened to meet an Indian friend on campus who showed me some shortcuts...confessing that you didn't have to add as many spice blends to the food to get it to taste "authentic"...but I had been too afraid to try as my first experience cooking Indian at home had landed us with food so spicy that we almost couldn't eat it (Jeff could...but he LOVES curry...)

While searching the net, I stumbled upon a recipe (I wish I remembered where) that substituted a jar of salsa for diced tomatoes and cilantro- stating that because salsa already contains cilantro, pepper spices and tomatoes that you could skip several steps in the whole "curry making" process. I got brave and decided to try it...

and curry heaven was born on our table...and it was rebirthed tonight...

Here is the recipe for Crock Pot Curry Chicken:

2 lbs bonelesss skinless chicken breasts uncooked diced ( the dicing is simply to help the chicken get equal parts of spice, it will shred and fall apart anyway since it cooks for so long.)

1 small onion, quartered and sliced thin

1 jar mild/medium salsa . (I prefer the Herdez brand salsa as its has more tomato and smaller chunks of peppers making the dish seem more traditional.) If you want to go the traditional route, substitute 1 large can diced tomatoes and 1/4 cup cilantro chopped fine. Just know you will likely be adding more curry powder and cayenne pepper to spice it up. It can be very bland if you're too light handed with the spices.

1 TBS cumin

1-2 TBS curry powder( yellow curry is mild spiced, red curry is medium spiced, and green curry is very hot. We use medium salsa with yellow curry. I usually err on the side of 2 TBS, but, as I said, my husband LOVES curry! )

1 tsp salt

Cayenne pepper to taste (Usually about halfway through the cooking time I stir the chicken and sauce and add the cayenne. This way you can taste the sauce and add more curry as well if you desire. Just remember that if you're using red curry it already has loads of cayenne pepper and you may be able to skip this step.)

Cook on low for 5-8 hours

Just before serving add 1 c sour cream or plain yogurt and stir in. This will down the spice a little. You can also serve it with extra yogurt or sour cream on top or the side for children (or members of the peanut gallery) who may not appreciate too much spice (unless they are my little sister's children who loved it as is the last time I made it. LOL)

Enjoy! This usually serves 4-6 people depending on how much they take. I usually serve it with Naan bread, rice, and some type of steamed veggie. You scoop it up and put it on the bread,this also kills a little heat. If you can't find Naan bread, or if its "hello expensive!" as it sometimes can be, you can substitute pitas or even tortilla shells cut into triangles ( a little trick I learned when researching Naan to make it at home because I refused to pay what they wanted for it in the store. Naan is basically an unleavened bread so tortillas and pitas will serve the same purpose and, in my opinion, taste just about the same.)

Happy eatings darlings! Hugs and loves until next time.

An afternoon snack...

2012-01-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

Apparently, when mom is sick I have to fend for myself...

Alright...maybe my hand isn't as tasty as I thought...hopefully mom is better soon, I'm running out of options!

A Healthier Me: Week 1 Roundup

2012-01-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I measured this morning. I didn't expect to see much change but there was a little. I've lost an inch in my bust, about a 1/2 an inch in the waist, but nothing yet to report in the hips. I was surprised to say the least, as I really didn't expect to see the measuring tape "go down".

I decided that the easiest and best way to make this journey to a healthier me is to have small, obtainable goals for each week. Last week my goal was to work out at least 4 days out of the week. I succeeded...yay me! During the week, I made a smaller goal...I decided to make it a goal to make it all the way through my 45 minute work out video without stopping. Even if I wasn't going full bore, movement is movement, and I figured it would still help.

I was successful the day I made the goal...but had an asthma attack right after, and I can guarantee you that I wasn't smiling, or feeling sexy like the women in the video. However, the next 2 exercise attempts seemed to get a little easier. I was able to put full effort into it a little longer each time...the progress was definitely very fulfilling.

I didn't exercise yesterday...mostly because Jeff was home and we had errands to run, but husband home or not I decided I had to exercise today. Jeff's new work schedule has him working Tuesday thru Friday with Saturday, Sunday and Monday off...so now is the time to get my work out schedule on board with his schedule...

Jeff happened to be home today. They got a 5 day weekend instead of a 3 day weekend so they could all have a chance to observe Martin Luther King Day during their workweek ...I guess fair is fair. However, Jeff was nice enough to sit with Faith while I exercised. I popped in my Cardio Go Go Dancing video and went to town. Here are some comments from the peanut gallery as my husband watched me get all sweaty and gross...:

"We really need to get you a Kinect." (apparently he isn't too thrilled with my Cardio Go Go Dancing video...hey it kicks my butt....that meets my demands for work out videos for now...but I won't cry if he decides to buy me a Kinect with dance games and Zumba...)

"Your butt is really sexy...just sayin...thought you should know." (The video calls for lots of booty wiggling and hip shaking...its nice to know my hubby likes my curves...LOL)

and last but certainly not least:

Trainer on the video: "Wooo its gettin' hot in here? Are you hot yet ladies?"
Jeff: " (in sexy voice) It certainly is getting hot in here...really hot"

My dear husband...I'm glad he likes me because I sure do love him a lot.

Well, here is to progress darlings. Slow and steady wins the race. There is no quick fix for weight loss. You have to start small and be willing to work your way up. Even if all you can manage is 5 minutes of a work out video- do that five minutes and then promise yourself you'll make it 7 or 10 minutes next time. Allow yourself to be accountable to yourself. You can't cheat when you are making the goals attainable and easy and working your way up in difficulty.

What is my goal for this week... I am going to work out 4 times a week (like last week) but adding drinking more water.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings! I hope you're finding success as well!

DIY Decorative Letter Panels

2012-01-16T19:50:00.008-07:00

Okay...so, since I seem to have some spare time on my hands these days as I'm not teaching any voice lessons and only have a 3 month old to talk to, I've decided to start adding some tutorials to my blog. You'll get to see my crafty side, and my vain side as I've decided to start doing hair and makeup tutorials here as well (keep an eye out for them!). I don't really have any intention of starting a youtube account, so, provided my videos can be short enough, its likely that here at my blog will be the only place to access them...it may change, but for now, that is what I have planned. That being said...this tutorial isn't a video tutorial, its a picture tutorial.

Preface: Since we've moved into our new place in Vegas at the beginning of the month, and the diva in training has her own room, I decided I wanted to decorate. Well...problem #1- We're renting so I can't really do anything dramatic or drastic and problem #2- babies grow up! They start having their own likes and dislikes... it would be tragic to spend a ton of money on decorations only to have to throw them away or send them to D.I.or Goodwill when they've been outgrown.

I've seen lots of pictures of wooden letter blocks that can be hung on walls, and some DIY tutorials. I looked into it and it would have cost $25-$30 for the letters alone as I already have the other necessary crafting tools...but to me,that is still pretty pricey for a decoration that will likely be outgrown (have I mentioned I am super cheap...?)

So, as we just moved and had tons of boxes laying around I was struck with an idea.

Presenting my DIY Nursery Letters Tutorial! If you already have a cardboard box the size you want, scrapbook paper,and modge podge (most serious crafters will...) this will be essentially free to do...if you don't have modge podge a bottle can be purchased for $2-3 and if you don't have scrapbook paper you can buy a pretty big book of it for about $5 at most craft stores, if you don't have ribbon you can easily get a skein for $1...essentially this craft would cost you anywhere from $2- 8...I think its a deal!

So... let's get started...

Here is a picture of what you'll need...but I will write a list:

You will need: A cardboard box, modge podge, scissors, scrapbook paper, sharpie (or similar black marker- optional), pencil, white out (optional), something sharp to poke holes in your panels (I used a knitting needle), a craft needle like a yarn darning needle, ribbon and the chosen art that you will be using to add to the letter, and the letters in the font that you have chosen. In my case I am using Precious Moments (Faith's room will be Precious Moments Noah's Ark themed). You can (if you have a fancy enough printer, or live close to a copy center) copy + print everything out and cut it out, but since I'm artsy fartsy and like to show off (and don't own a printer that is capable of making copies) I am hand drawing everything.

Step 1:
Choose how you are cutting your panels. The side panels on my box were the perfect size for what I wanted, so I didn't even have to do any measuring. I also used a thinner type of cardboard, so I didn't even use these scissors to cut them (the picture was taken later. I couldn't find my good crafting scissors so I used child sized scissors to cut the panels...LOL)

Step 2:
Trace your panel on the scrapbook paper of your choice and cut it out.

Step 3:
Go crazy with the modge podge! Squirt some down, and spread it out. I used cotton balls because I couldn't find my paint brush that I normally use (note for later: if you use cotton balls, know that they will leave some white "fluff" be prepared to pick it off of the top of the finished project BEFORE it dries.) After modge podge is spread, put your scrapbook paper down and push out the air bubbles between the cardboard and paper.

Step 4:
Continue your love affair with modge podge as you put your letter on the panel. Spread some out underneath, put your letter down and then put modge podge over the top. Allow it to dry. and voila!
You can either be done here and move on to the ribbon steps at the end...or you can do what I did, trace the letter with a sharpie once its dried and then add some characters or art work to it.

Step 5:

Cut out your animals...for added flair you can trace parts of their bodies that could be other colors, cut out the piece you're replacing and tape or glue the new piece in its place. This is where the white out comes in...if you want an area to be white you can color it in with white out, or markers as you can see I've done. When placing the animal (or artwork of your choice), do the same as you did to place the letter. Put an initial coat of modge podge where you're placing the artwork and then cover it in a thin layer of modge podge once its set where you'd like it!
You can also place artwork before you place the letters...see!

Once you're happy with the amount of art on your panels, you add the ribbon. You will need to cut lengths of ribbon for each panel. Mine ended up being about 18 inches long.

Poke 2 wholes in your panel atleast an inch away from the closest end with your sharp poking object (see my fancy purple knitting needle!!! LOL) If you look close you can see my holes. I did them about 2 inches apart, 2 inches from the side,and 1 inch from the top.

Take your yarn darning needle and thread the ribbon through. Poke the ribbon through one of the holes from the front and come out the other side

Your ribbon should sit like this.

Even out the ends and tie bows, leaving a loop of ribbon free to be the hanger (like so)

For extra hold you can run a needle through the middle loop of the bow...just know that I didn't, but if you'd like it to last a little longer- go for it!

Happy crafting! (Did I mention that I think this is a great idea for a project to do WITH your child. Its a way to get older kids involved in decorating their own rooms! I would have loved to do a project like this with my mom when I was growing up...)

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

The Lap of Luxury...

2012-01-12T17:49:00.009-07:00

This would be the only way to describe things in the Nielson house...especially since yesterday.... because...IT'S HERE!IT'S HERE!IT'S HERE!IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To what am I referring????

vvvv Only to THIS! vvvv

vvvvvvv O wait...maybe you want to see it from another angle???? vvvvvvvv

I say without shame that this is the nicest, fanciest bed I've ever slept on. Even when I was a kid, we never purchased new beds...we always got stuff from the D.I...or if we did get new beds, we always used the mattresses we already had or got bargain mattresses from the D.I. for $25-30...

This bed is a European Pillow Top...it even comes equipped with those fancy springs that make it so your partner doesn't feel it when you get up out of the bed. The bed itself has an upholstered headboard that is super comfy to lean up against...and there are drawers for extra storage at the end...talk about Fabulous with a capital F!

It will likely take us the entire year to pay for it (we got a great deal with 0% interest for a year and 0 down!) But it will be so worth it to sleep in this bad boy for the next 15 or so years...until we upgrade the mattress atleast. Maybe next time we will be brave (and rich enough) to splurge on memory foam...ooooohhhh ahhhhhhh....

Enough about our new toy...you are probably reading because inquiring minds want to know how our diva in training spends her day.... while the lesser people make bottles and find ways to entertain her, she does a lot of this:

and this:

and of course, this...:

See what I mean???...Lap of Luxury here in the Nielson house!
(P.S. note that this is a picture of her in first piggy tail...she is already turning into a diva as it is becoming clear that she just may prefer this to headbands....)

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings!

P.S. Here is a bonus video of our little princess. She loves her mobiles. She looks up at the characters and smiles and coos for quite a bit of time before she loses interest. I caught her mid- playtime so this video doesn't quite catch all the glory...but you get the gist! :)

The Pity Party is Over!

2012-01-11T17:56:00.002-07:00

42-35-44

What are these? Numbers...(thank you Captain Obvious)

These three numbers are the bane of my existence...

These are my measurements.

Why are these numbers the bane of my existence...because I remember my old ones...42 (not much has changed there, don't suspect it will) 31- 42

I never thought I'd be one of THOSE women...the ones that mourn the loss of their pre-pregnancy body... I had waited so long to find Mr. Right (well, long in Idaho/Utah Mormon years) and to start my family I figured I would be so grateful that I wouldn't care when it came to changes with my body...

Oh I was so wrong.

I could tell we were going to have issues at the beginning of my second trimester. I was gaining weight, and nobody, I mean NOBODY, was asking that vital question "When are you due?" I started to fear that I looked fat and not pregnant...I became obsessed with looking pregnant because in the back of my head I started to wonder if this weight gain was all worth it if no one even noticed that I was pregnant...and then the fear started...I was gaining all this weight...would I be able to lose it?

I have had major struggles with my weight. I was a healthy 120 pounds at the beginning of my Freshman year (but still felt fat because my older, much more perfect modelesque sister was smaller than me) and then all of a sudden, I ballooned in one year to 160 pounds. It was seriously like I woke up one morning and my pants wouldn't fit.

I heard about Insulin Resistance from a friend who'd been diagnosed with it our Junior year, but getting my diagnosis took some time. I found out about my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and had surgery to remove 4 very large cysts from my ovaries, I had 2 knee surgeries...it always seemed I was recovering from something which made exercise difficult to say the least. I ate like a rabbit. My mom tried to be supportive. She herself exclaimed that she didn't understand how I could be so overweight.

I will be honest, I had no self confidence. I let people walk all over me because I was desperate to be liked and I didn't have a date until the end of my senior year when a friend asked me to Commencement. The only escape I had was music and theater.

Finally college started. I was attending exercise classes for free at the gym, but still ended the first semester of my Freshman year at almost 200 pounds. I finally went to my mom and begged for help. She made an appointment to take me to the doctor.

The doctor was a #$%^&*@ to say the very least. He suggested that I'd just gained the Freshman 15 and needed to work out. I was insistent about the fact that I had been working out. He made me cry...my mom went into lioness mode. "My daughter doesn't lie, and I know her habits. She barely eats, she works out and she can't lose weight. Either you're going to help her or I will continue to take her to doctors until I find someone who isn't too stupid to try." The doctor bedrudgingly wrote a scrip for me to see a specialist in metabolic problems and was eating his words when my tests came back positive.

I had my struggles still from there. The medication they put me on made it possible for me to lose weight, but I had to completely cut certain carbohydrates out of my diet. I gladly did it...but it took me 4 years to get down to my Freshman in high school size ( well 5 pounds bigger-125) but it took me working out 4-5 hours a day and eating only chicken and spinach to maintain that weight...I decided I liked having other food groups in my diet and that I liked having a life (I literally spent every spare minute in the gym).

I gained again when I went to work on my masters. I was at 155 (ish) and started feeling sick all the time...I had been off the metabolic drugs for about 4 years and my insulin resistance had flared up with a vengeance. After getting drugs again (and being told that I should never go off them again) I was able to even out at about 145. Would I have liked to lose more? Yes, but I was sick of worrying about my weight. I was just happy to be where I was and staying there. I even continued to lose pant sizes, but no weight (muscle weighs more than fat, right?)

When Jeff met me I was at the smallest I'd ever been in my life, a size 4. I was so proud of myself. It had been a long journey...

I guess I share this journey because I feel that in some way I should qualify my fears in a way. It took me many, many years to lose the weight and get to the maintenance phase. For starters, I don't even really remember how to lose weight in a way...and my other fear is that where I am almost as big as I was back at the beginning of my journey with insulin resistance (tipping the scales at 175/180) I am afraid I will never be healthy again...If I felt healthy it would be one thing, but I know my blood pressure is up again and I've already been advised that if I don't lose 15 pounds before March it will likely still be up and I will need to go back on blood pressure meds...I DON'T want to have to do that.

So...why divulge all this? It isn't to have a pity party! Its because I am trying to change my attitude. Its because I don't want to use the "I just had a baby" excuse anymore, because I have found that it just isn't working for me. I'm still worried about my health and I don't think you should use any excuses when it comes to your health. I'm sick of being down on myself! I am a pretty awesome person (at least my husband seems to think so) and I should be as kind to myself as I am to others. I read an interesting blog post recently where the following concept was introduced to me:

Fat is not a feeling...there is something else that you're fighting and you instantly dwell on your insecurities to avoid that. It could seriously be as simple as you're bored and you have nothing to do, so you decide to start beating yourself up to find something to do because in a sick, twisted way to you its a worthwhile way to spend your time...

I am also working on another concept I learned from this blog...I am eliminating the F-A-T word and all its derivatives from my vocabulary when it comes to referencing myself.

I'm starting a new journey. I want you to start it with me.

You- my friends and readers- will be my faithful companions. I will be accountable to you.

I vow that from here on out, I will post at least once a week about my journey. I will update you all on my status. As we don't own a scale, I choose to use my aforementioned numbers. They will not be the bane of my existence anymore! I am going to use them as motivation.

I know I will likely never be my size 4 pre-baby self again, but I would like to get to the point where I can finish a whole work out video (not just make it through 20-25 minutes and then stop because I'm on the verge of an asthma attack.) I want to be able to just love me for me. I want to learn ways to start liking what I see in the mirror again, because quite frankly, I have been throwing a pity party for myself for the last almost 3 months, and I want it to be over.

This is the point where I urge those of you that are joining to evaluate yourselves. If you believe that you are struggling in a similar way, if you don't like yourself- take the challenge!

I challenge you to stop being negative. I challenge you to be proactive and I challenge you to accentuate the things that you love about yourself!

I started my challenge this week. I had a rocky start. I did about 20 minutes of a Zumba video and had to stop because I was going to have an asthma attack if I didn't. I was seriously disappointed. I remembered a time when the 45 minute Zumba video would have barely phased me. I vowed to myself that I would make it! I thought that maybe the time of day had something to do with it (I may be a morning person, but that doesn't mean that I'm graceful...I probably almost twisted/broke my ankle 3 or 4 times.) I decided to try to work out in the afternoon or evening the next day and see which worked better...well it was an EPIC fail. I did run stairs 3 or 4 times yesterday, but I never had time to pop in a work out video and go to town. I went back to a morning schedule today, but this time I did it a little later in the morning and put Faith in her bouncer to watch. She was good , and I was good until about 25 minutes into my Cardio Go-Go Dancing video...I started to hack and cough and that prompted disgruntled coos from my cheering section that said, "Mom, I would like you to be functional today. Thanks."

However, small victory- I made it through 25 minutes...5 minutes more than Monday! W00t w00t for progress!

I think I've decided that morning sometime is best, even if it means putting Faith in her bouncer to cheer me on...she seemed quite content.

Hopefully, even if I don't have measurement changes to report next week, I can report more progress when it comes to doing a cardio video and making it all the way through.

So I have this to say...thank you Zumba and Cardio Go Go Dancing for kicking my butt now...but someday soon, I will defeat you!

Hugs and Health until next time darlings!

Top 10 of 11

2012-01-01T17:41:00.002-07:00

Well, 2011 has come and gone. It has been a year full of adventure. I'm sure there were some low points, but I choose not to dwell on the negative if I can help it, and I find that generally, even the low points have high qualities in retrospect. Here are 10 major changes that 2011 brought:

1) Jeff and I had a long, hard discussion about birth control. I was soooo sick on it after we got married and was dying to be off, but we also knew what coming off of it could mean. This led to a very frank discussion about promptings of the spirit and how we both had felt strongly that we should start thinking about starting our family. This was a scary discussion because neither of us were sure what we wanted to do about the promptings we had received individually. I had been told in high school that it would be difficult for me to conceive and confided this to Jeff. We opted to stop preventing, but not necessarily be trying. This brought #2

2) about 2 months after that, in March, (we'd been married 4 months for those of you keeping track), we found out that baby Faith was on her way to our family. We were shocked, thrilled and terrified all at once.

3) At the end of the 2010-2011 school year we decided to move in with my parents to be closer to my midwife and save money for our new bundle of joy on the way.

4) The 2011 school year started and Jeff was kind enough to be willing to make the commute so I could remain close to my midwife. I opted not to return to school to finish the classes for my Music Education degree because I was so pregnant. I also realized that I was okay with that because, when it came right down to it, I just wanted to have a chance to enjoy being a mom and I knew that I would have too much on my plate if I opted to try to complete it.
5) Jeff and I had to be apart for 3 whole days while he interviewed for a job in Las Vegas...we both agreed that we don't do well when we're apart. We know that it is a necessary evil when it comes to work (most working folk end up having to go on a business trip at one point or another) but it was nice to receive confirmation that we basically can't function without each other...

6) I was able to get a successful voice studio up and running. I had 9 of the most amazing brilliant students and found great joy and fulfillment. I know that THIS is what I was meant to do!

7) I had a baby! Not only did I have a baby, she was a month early and I was in labor for 3 whole days and had my water tear before I finally was forced into the hospital by my midwife. 22 hours after I was admitted to the hospital Faith McKynzie joined our family.

8) I had my testimony of the power of the Priesthood strengthened as baby Faith made huge, unexpected leaps in her recovery in the NICU and was able to come home with us only 1 day after I was discharged. I have no doubt in my mind that the power of God bestowed upon her by the laying on of hands after she was born is the reason she recovered so quickly. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, you can learn more about the power of the priesthood here

9) We had an awesome time as we blessed our sweet baby and gave her a name on Dec. 4th. She was, and still is, a perfect angel. Sure, we have our fussy times- no baby is 100% perfect all the time, but I can't say enough how grateful I am that my baby tends to run in the middle of the spectrum...we've had a few moments where I just can't get her to stop crying and she has to cry herself to sleep, but for the most part she is so chill and relaxed about everything...I'm also convinced that she wants to grow up waaaayyy too fast. Here is the rundown:

a) at three days old she was already trying to hold her head up and succeeded at holding it up by herself by the time she was a week old.
b) she rolled over by herself at a week old
c) she already can hold herself up in the sitting position. You have to put her there first, but she holds it for a while after that.
d) I had THAT moment yesterday...the moment where you pick your baby up and realize you aren't worried about supporting the head because they are holding themselves up...I wanted to cry...
e) When I'm holding her, if she wants to be burped or have her back patted, she begins to pat my shoulder with her little hand...it melts my heart every time...

10) And last but not least- Jeff took a job with a company called JT3. We packed up all of our stuff into a UHaul truck, attached our car to the back on a dolly, and made the long journey from Idaho Falls, ID to Las Vegas, NV...which is where we are currently...waiting to hear when we can move into our condo. We were able to go to our new ward today. Its filled with lots of young families like ours. I have no doubt that God definitely has a purpose for us here- especially after meeting people in our ward. I can already see that we are going to grow so much and be strengthened by them, while at the same time receiving opportunities to use our talents to serve them and make them better.

2011 was so awesome, I really can't say what I believe 2012 will bring. Jeff is convinced that it will bring another baby...we will see about that one. I am enjoying the one that we have immensely and would like to have a little more time for her to have me all to herself; however, we've also had some more discussions about that and I think we've agreed that we will let the Lord decide when its time. We will be practicing natural birth control, which has been proven to work (the method I'm using actually has the same success rate as the birth control pills I was on).

I do know that 2012 will bring a newfound independence. I'm a little frightened by it. Its been a while since I've been so far away from my siblings and parents, but I will say that I am excited about all the new possibilities. With that independence comes a beautiful condo...for now...but here is hoping that 2012 also finds us looking for and purchasing our first home!

Needless to say, there are so many new possibilities for this new year...I make it a point never to make resolutions, but I can say that I have no doubt that 2012 will end with a stronger better me...Life is for learning. Every new day brings sweet surprises and gifts. I simply will continue to pray that I can see them and use them for good when they present themselves.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Exodus to Las Vegas

2011-12-30T17:02:00.004-07:00

Well, like Moses leading the children of Israel to the Promised Land, my Mr. Nielson led our little family on the long trail to our new life and his new job in Las Vegas...it wasn't always and easy journey- in fact, its not completely over...but we're here now, learning how to navigate the big city and trying to find a few minutes outside of when we fall into bed at night to relax.

Day 1 of our journey took us to the Budget truck rental place in Idaho Falls. After researching the issue thoroughly (and by thoroughly I mean we took a facebook poll) we decided to go with the cheaper service at Budget as opposed to getting a UHaul. Budget was going to be half the cost...well, we soon found out why. After 45 minutes at the Budget and Jeff getting the run-around, we finally were told that they didn't have a working towing dolly (that we had ordered)...to make matters worse, they didn't have a 16 foot truck with 3 seatbelts- a necessity as there were three passengers partaking in our little adventure, and we were going to have to drive a massive 24 foot truck and would likely have to stop at all ports of entry....there were a few problems with this:
A) We needed the towing dolly, there was NO WAY I was driving through Salt Lake....NONE! (Oh...if I had only known what lay ahead...)
B) This 24 foot monstrosity was way way WAY too big...let's be honest...Jeff and I are still technically poor college students, its not like we have enough stuff to fill it...
C) Jeff was really, really nervous to have to tow our car behind the 24 foot beast, it would have made us longer ...that's right LONGER...than a semi!

Well, after getting the run around for 45 minutes and hearing their lame excuses about why they didn't have a towing dolly that worked even though they knew the day before that we were coming, Jeff came back to the car and said, "Take me to UHaul...we're just going to go to UHaul.."

I didn't complain. I put the car into gear and we called my dad to find out where the nearest UHaul station was. The guy at UHaul was super helpful...of course we knew it was going to be twice the cost, but they had the perfect 14 foot truck for our needs AND a towing dolly plus we could get a free month of storage if we needed it for making the one way move... well, my Mr. Nielson made the call to Budget to let them know we were dumping them (I think we thought about using the "Its not you, its me." line but we decided to be honest and say..."Its you...its definitely your fault...") and they magically had someone there fixing the flat tire on one of their towing dollies and they did their best to assure us that they would be ready for us by the time we made it back....well, by that point I didn't even care about saving the money (to be honest, Jeff's employer is going to reimburse us anyway) we were tired, we were ready to be on the road and UHaul had what we wanted and needed right now....We left UHaul with the truck, towing dolly and the urgent need to pack our stuff that was in I.F. with us ASAP!

We loaded as fast as we possibly could, hooked the car up to the dolly and made our way to Preston and the rest of the Nielson clan. It was our family Christmas party, and Jeff's brothers were kind enough to come help us load up (thanks guys!) Matriarch Nielson (aka MOM) was a little displeased when she found out we weren't staying the night...in our defense Jeff had called her to tell her, I guess she thought we would change our minds once the party got started...We stayed at the party until 7:30 and loaded up again to head for Nephi, UT.

To be honest...we were a little miffed...we had wanted to be out of Preston sooner, but mom was insistent that we stay to open presents and wanted everyone to guess what was in our niece Sidney's present before she opened it...we didn't have TIME for games...we wished we did, but we had to go...oh well, all was forgotten once we were on the road. We of course thanked mom for a good time, because, all things considered, it really was a good time...and booked it as fast as we could.

We met with some interesting construction through Provo...there were some concerned "Whoa"s heard from both sides of the moving truck as we rode over medians to follow where the construction detours took us...all the while our little diva in training slept like an angel (would that we had that ability...)

We made really good time to Nephi and instead of making it there at 1 AM as we had feared we would, we made it at a surprising 11:30 PM. Of course, our sleeping angel woke up as we made our way to our luxurious digs for the evening in the local Econo Lodge...she was less than thrilled with her accomodations...

Let's just say that my dear Mr. Nielson was able to go to sleep at around midnight and the little diva insisted that we have a private party until 2:30 in the morning, when I finally brought her into the bed to sleep with us (I know...bad mommy, but what else could I do? She didn't have her cozy leopard print blanket to sleep on in her play yard and refused to sleep in it for longer than about 10 minutes.) Of course, since our princess was sleeping in the bed with us, I was a little nervous to fall asleep myself (understandably so...). I finally managed to sleep for an hour or so around 3, then my dear husband woke up around 5 and took care of the princess for me since she desired an early breakfast in bed.... He was worried about our stuff in the UHaul outside (not that we really have anything worth stealing... but its worth something to us I suppose) and decided to go out and check on it around 5:30. He was kind enough to bring in our bags of clothes so we could find a fresh outfit for the next leg of our journey and said, "Well, I know we were planning on leaving at 8, but do you just want to get up and go now?"

"No...I need to sleeeeeeeep..." I replied. We put the princess into her play yard (she magically decided to sleep in it when she was dead to the world in a food coma...go figure) and managed to sleep until 6:30. We woke up and decided we would try to be out of Nephi by 7, but we dragged our feet a bit and didn't leave until about a quarter to 8. We ended up stopping for breakfast, so we left Nephi by 8, as originally planned.

We made a stop in St.George to gas up and see my Aunt Jann and her family. They were kind and offered us an opportunity to get out of the UHaul for about an hour. My cousins Katie and Cassie sufficiently doted on our little diva, giving her the affection befitting someone of her status (that status being cute baby) Thanks again guys for letting us stop. We needed the break.

The break was longer than anticipated, but we hadn't realized there would be a time change once we crossed the border (a fact that Uncle Mike graciously divulged to us) This put us at ease that we would pull into Vegas on schedule in spite of our hour long stop.

We pulled into Vegas and found, to our surprise, that the hotel that Jeff's employer arranged our temporary housing in was right on the strip...needless to say driving our giant UHaul with car attached to the back was soooooo easy and pleasant *note sarcasm*

We were exhausted, but we had to go apartment hunting. Our realtor had some problems with her printer in her home office and we ended up leaving later to look at apartments than we had originally planned...this ended up being a blessing/curse...a curse because after viewing the first apartment, Jeff turned on our headlights only to find that they wouldn't turn on...a blessing because we found out about it when we had help around. Our sweet realtor first escorted us to a Sears Auto Center to see if they could help and then back to our hotel to make sure we got there safely since our headlights wouldn't work.

The next day (yesterday for those of you trying to keep track of where we are on our exodus) Jeff pulled the bulbs out of the front, without tools mind you (still don't know how he did it) to find that the glass had completely shattered leaving only the exposed filament. We knew that the bumps on the trip had been pretty bad, but apparently they were worse than we'd thought because they succeeded in busting not only our headlights, but also the break light in the rear window (which still needs to be fixed...) We also found out that our first choice apartment was still available with no pending applications. We rushed over to fill out the application and pay the necessary fees...once we were there we were basically told that because the firm that manages the property does everything by the book and to the letter, we wouldn't be allowed to move in (provided there were no surprises in the credit check) until the 3rd at the earliest...(BOO!!!) but things were looking pretty good that everything would go through. We followed our realtor to look at some other properties so we could decide what our plan B would be if this place ended up not working out (we don't want to put all our eggs in one basket just yet...and can I just say how DIFFERENT it is here...in Idaho Falls they can do a credit check in one day at most apartment complexes and you can move in the next, provided the apartment is ready....Geesh...but I digress...)

We decided that we would take the UHaul back today and take them up on their generous offer of a month of free storage (even though it will only, hopefully, be a couple of days)...and I got the joy of driving the car since Jeff didn't want to put it on the tow dolly...

Let's just say that I did it! However, I will admit that once we reached our first destination I was in tears...driving in town isn't too bad because people will let you in the lane you need to be in but driving on the freeway...well, that is a different story...

Well, that is where a new adventure began...the UHaul place that the guy in I.F. had set as our return place was supposedly supposed to have storage...and they didn't...the guy in I.F. also said that there was no UHaul return place with storage in Henderson...well...there WAS...the people at this particular UHaul place were very kind about it and allowed us to turn in the towing dolly and set us up to return the UHaul at return place in Henderson so that the storage would be closer to where our new place will (hopefully) be. Then began the next leg of our journey (after more tears when Jeff came and broke the news that we would have to drive there next...Did I mention that we were clear in Northwest Vegas and needed to drive all the way to Henderson which is on the Southeast corner????)

My dear Mr. Nielson thought it would be easier if he took our GPS and I followed him...well, he hadn't had much experience with a GPS and our particular GPS warns you well in advance if you have to make a turn so that you can be in the correct lane...well when it would say something like "Take the exit Right, ahead." He would assume it was the very next exit...needless to say I got LOTS of practice getting on and off the freeway here (My heart was in my throat the whole time, especially because I had a cranky little diva in training in the backseat...)

We made it to the storage place and found that its actually pretty near to our new apartment, which makes me a little more at ease with the idea of possibly having to drive behind Jeff...but I did come up with the nifty idea of emptying our storage and instead of turning in our keys right away leaving the car, since we have to return the new truck anyway and then turning in our keys after we have our car again...and it saves us gas! I love it when I come up with devious genius plans that prevent me from having to drive on the freeway...

I guess we will just have to hope that Faith's new pediatrician, our family doctor, dentist, optometrist etc. are all in Henderson...LOL

After our adventure today, we were a little cranky. We went and got some legit Mexican food...and we're talking LEGIT!.. and then we came back to our temporary home...our plan was to go right back out and do a little grocery shopping, but Jeff decided he wanted a break...which led to another adventure...we accidentally ended up driving down Las Vegas Boulevard...we're talking the strip strip...we're on Tropicana which is one road over...and when we were trying to head to Walmart, which is on the other end of Tropicana from where we are, Jeff didn't turn right where he was supposed to and we ended up not in the right place...after sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and only making it a few blocks, Jeff managed to make it over to the left turn lane. We backtracked using our GPS to go back to the hotel (since I haven't updated it at all since I bought it and it doesn't recognize that there is a Walmart on Tropicana). Once we were back on Tropicana we were okay and made it to Walmart- unfortunately we were so tired and rushed that we forgot something very important...celery...we have no fruits or veggies and I am going crazy without them. Oh well, I guess we will have to make the trek tomorrow before all the New Year's Eve craziness starts.

On the way back Jeff got a little antsy to get into the turn lane to go back to our hotel and accidentally ended up in the U turn lane that is right before it...needless to say we got to go on another adventure...my poor sweet Mr. Nielson...I am glad he puts up with me, especially when I freak out while driving at night because my depth perception is horrible in the dark...a few white knuckle moments later (for me) we were back at our hotel with our wholesome dinner of various types of Lunchables (because that is how we roll)...

Well, that is the rundown on the Exodus thus far. If you made it to this point of the blog- bless you! Any of you praying types out there, please pray for us. Pray that we are able to move into our new apartment before our temporary housing runs out (we have to be out of here on the afternoon of the 3rd, if we have to stay anywhere else, its on our dime...we don't have many dimes left to spend since we have to wait for a reimbursement check for the move...)...and if you're not the praying type, we can always use good vibes and positive thoughts!

We are adjusting. Jeff says he already hates this town...but its definitely so different from what we're used to, I can't say I blame him. Here's hoping that he loves his new job so much that it makes all of this seem more worth it to him! Here's hoping that I stop being such a wuss and learn how to drive...

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Yikes!

2011-12-17T17:15:00.002-07:00

We planned our move in 10 days ( for after Jeff's family holiday party) and thought we had everything planned...

until this afternoon when it all fell apart.

We were going to borrow a trailer from someone and have Jeff's parents drive our stuff down after we had found a place, but alas, the owner of the trailer was a little hesitant about it going over state lines...oh well, you live, you learn...you make new plans.

Still don't have an apartment...hoping we find one quickly and that they won't make us wait to move in.

And now we don't know how we're going to get our stuff down to the apartment that we don't know the location of...AWESOME!

Atleast we know when Jeff starts work...

So far Vegas 2, Nielson clan 1...you win this round interstate move....but you won't win the match.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Our First Year

2011-12-08T10:41:00.002-07:00

I had originally been planning to wait until closer to the end of the year to make this video and post it, but I knew that with the big move to Vegas looming over our heads, and an unpredictable little munchkin who sometimes likes to be attached to mom like peanut butter to bread, I had to take advantage of some free time to get it made up and posted for everyone.

Its amazing how fast time flies. Its hard to believe that we've been married a little over a year, and even harder to believe that this year is already getting ready to come to a close.

Everyone told me that being pregnant would seem like it took forever, but I can honestly say that my pregnancy seemed to go so fast...granted, I did deliver almost a month early; however, I have to say that I honestly feel like it was such a short time ago that I learned that Faith was on her way to our family, its hard to imagine that she spent the better part of the year in my belly. She also has fit so perfectly into our family that its hard to remember what it was like before she came. We are truly blessed to have such a beautiful little girl and truly blessed to have each other.

Jeffry Lee, you are truly my soul mate. I love you more and more every day. No matter what you think, I know that you are the most handsome man on the planet, and the sexiest man alive (People magazine can say that its someone else every year but they will never convince me that anyone is more handsome or sexier than you!) Thank you for just being plain awesome. You make life so much more enriching and better.

So, enjoy the video- just a picture montage of our first year together set to music.

I have to give props to the artist: Mindy Gledhill from her album Anchor

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Why is my baby cuter than yours????

2011-12-02T13:01:00.006-07:00

It simply comes down to style...

Check out her awesome hairdo, she did it all by herself somehow...

Business in the front:

Party in the back:

She also likes to help her daddy fold the laundry....

She also sleeps like a marathon runner who is winning while crossing the finishing line:
As Charlie Sheen would say....WINNING!!!!!

Cute, right???? Cuter than your baby???...I think yes....(While this topic is up for debate, and I can appreciate your difference of opinions, as queen of the universe mine is really the only one that counts...LOL)

If we brought any joy into your humdrum lives just now...your welcome.

Hugs and loves until next time!

Viva Las Vegas- Anniversary Edition

2011-11-22T08:44:00.003-07:00

Well,

Our anniversary was on Sunday. Knowing that we really didn't have money to do anything too extravagant (every penny we have is going to have to go towards moving to Vegas in January) I spent the majority of my sick day (Friday) trying to come up with ideas. Thank heavens for Pinterest....I try not to spend too much time on it, but I did find a link, which led me to another link, that led me to another link where I was able to find not only an idea for a stellar Christmas present (since Christmas is pretty much either needing to be homemade this year or non-existent...LOL) for Jeff and an idea for our anniversary date.

So... I came up with a fake travel agency that gave us a free Las Vegas travel package for our anniversary in honor of Jeff's new job. The travel package included beginning the evening with "cocktails" (i.e. mocktails) and Blackjack at Caesar's Palace, dinner at Mandalay Bay inside one of its restaurants the Shanghai Lilly (which is actually now closed and being replaced with a restaurant of a celebrity chef, but I picked it because it worked with my food theme), a special screening of a movie inside the MGM Grand Theatre, and a dip in the spa at Treasure Island.

I gave Jeff some "documents" in a manilla envelope the morning of our anniversary. He chuckled a little bit when he read it. One was a letter from the Anniversary Travel Agency, another was the menu for our dinner, and the final coup de grats was a print out of two tickets for the VIP movie.

How did I pull it off- after all I do live with my parents in a smallish apartment? Well, I had my dad reserve one of the clubhouses where we live. I lucked out and the only clubhouse available was the Parkwood Clubhouse (i.e. the old one) It ended up being perfect because I was able to separate each of the events into a different room in the clubhouse.

I designated what room was what by hanging printouts of the hotel logos on the wall outside the entrances. I also purchased about $3 worth of decorative items from the dollar store and decorated the table for the "restaurant".

All in all, it was an awesome evening. I was a little stressed because we got started late (dinner took longer to cook than I had thought it would). However, decorating didn't take too long and Jeff had a little giggle at my ingenuity. He said that the evening demonstrated one of the reasons he loves me so much, only I would think to throw something like this together.

He, of course, loved dinner. I found copycat recipes on the net for his favorite Panda Express Orange Chicken. I needed a little more spice and it would have been perfect. I also found a few other copycat recipes for some dishes from P.F. Changs. It was yummy! I honestly think it was one of my best attempts at Chinese food at home of all time...EPIC!

We decided to sit in the hot tub in "Treasure Island" before we watched the movie...which may not have been the best idea. Neither of us had been in a while and while it felt really, really good to sit in front of the jets and work out some of those knots we both came out in a hot tub induced coma...instead of watching our movie selection for the night (Harry Potter 7 Part 2- we've both already seen it, but it was fairly new on DVD and my parents had purchased it, which meant we could save some money on a rental- even if it was only $1). We ended up watching a movie that was on the television (the 2nd DaVinci code movie...I don't remember the name...LOL)

We were practically falling asleep, and I knew I needed to clean up, so once the movie was over we cleaned up and came home. My parents were sitting in the living room holding our baby, who had apparently just fallen to sleep but woke up and was wide awake until about midnight...LOL We were both exhausted and baby wanted our attention- she was punishing us for leaving her alone for a few hours...ha ha

A few days later, we had the opportunity to cap off our anniversary with a date night to the Forgotten Carols. My parents were kind enough to watch Faith for us and I spent the whole evening wishing we'd brought her. There was another mom with her baby and every time I saw her get up and sway to the music with her fussing baby I missed mine so much! I just wanted her to be there, to hear the music and feel the spirit that is always there at the productions of the show.

Jeff had never been and, in the end, when we left he lamented that he hadn't known about it when he was single. He said it would have been a perfect date night because of the end...Michael McLean has a tradition where he has the audience link arms and sing the chorus of "We Can Be Together Forever Someday"...he then recovered by saying it was even more perfect because he was sitting next to his wife and singing it...nice save Honey! LOL I think I got more of a kick out of him experiencing the show for the first time than I did out of the actual show (which is one of my most favorite things about the holiday season in Idaho Falls. I will miss it next year when we are living in Vegas. The Forgotten Carols and Christmas just go hand in hand...I'm sorry... LOL)

I do have pictures...however Blogger is being dumb and not letting me post them. Once I can get them to post you will all get to see a slice of the evening...plus some cuteness of little miss Faith.

All in all, my anniversary was pretty good. Here's to one year- its been so awesome that I can't wait to see what this next year brings. I love my Mr.Nielson more now than I did when I married him (which is saying something!) He is truly one of the biggest blessings I've ever received. He is truly proof of how much God loves me. God loves me so much that he made sure I found the one guy who would be perfect for me...and no matter what, through good and bad, nothing will change that.

Happy 1st year Jeff. You are amazing, wonderful, and I love you all the time- no matter what! :)

Hugs and Loves until next time.

Time Flies

2011-11-16T08:41:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I really, really wish that new babies didn't put their parents into a sleep induced stupor. There is so much going on and there are so many changes that are being made, it almost feels like you blink and you miss it.

On 4 days my baby will be 1 month old...Considering that she wasn't supposed to be here until 3 days ago this is quite a feat in and of itself...

Let's just say that this is a pattern in my baby's life- she wants to do things early.

For example, by the time she was 3 days old she was already trying to lift her head on her own- a feat she had accomplished by the time she was a week old. The sad thing, I don't even realize when she officially lifted her head all by herself for the first time. I was in such a sleep deprived haze that all the days seemed to mold together and all of a sudden, there was my baby lifting her head all by herself!

Sunday, while I was taking a long nap, my husband was watching her and decided to give her some tummy time- what does my child do? She proceeds to roll over from her tummy to her back! And because once just wasn't enough, when my husband decided to put her back on her tummy after she'd rolled over she decided to give him an encore presentation and SHE DID IT AGAIN!

I was pretty bummed I missed it...we've since placed her on her tummy again, and she tries to show my her new trick but doesn't quite get there. P.S> she has been rolling onto her side from her back since she was about a week old, I did see her roll from her back to her belly the other day, so maybe that counts as seeing her new trick?????

I was completely bummed because I lost my camera, I have been quickly realizing that I need to capture all this cuteness before it disappears forever...my amazing husband found it for me on Saturday.

In other words, I vow that the next blog I post will be filled with cuteness!

In other news, Jeff's new employers read our minds and gave our contact information to a realtor that they use to find housing for their employees and she seems really nice. Here's hoping we can find a place...and money to pay for said place...LOL

Hugs and loves until next time

Rapid

2011-11-11T08:52:00.002-07:00

As usual with most things in my life, when I do something for the first time I do it in a big way (well, atleast what seems like a big way for me.)

Change has been a constant companion of mine, even when I believed I was stuck in one place, things around me were changing so rapidly all I could do was grab for something sturdy and hang on.

I don't mind change, I've experienced so much in my life that it doesn't seem like a big deal- however, these latest rapid changes seem more like a big deal, mostly because we have time to anticipate their arrival.

Jeff got a job!

I don't know about him, but with the economy the way that it is, I definitely didn't anticipate him getting one so fast!

Its a great job, with great benefits and great pay.

So, why is this job such a big deal?

This job is a big deal because it means that a little over a month from now I will be on my way to Las Vegas in a UHaul, snuggled up next to my husband and a hopefully sleeping baby. (I'm hoping we can get one of the BIG trucks that we can attach the car to the back of so I don't have to drive alone with baby in the backseat that far.)

Because we weren't anticipating this job or this move, I have to say that I am a little nervous. We are essentially still going to be poor college students when we make this big jump, and we don't exactly have money saved up to move hundreds of miles away...

However, I choose to have faith. This summer when moving to Vegas was a real possibility that I had accepted (before Jeff didn't get the initial position he interviewed for) I knew that Vegas was right. It scared me to think of it being "the place" (or at least "the place" for the next 5-6 years) but I just had this feeling everything would work out.

I am working to remember that feeling. I am working on having faith that somehow, some way, we will be able to come up with the money we need to make this happen.

The company is going to cover our moving expenses (U Haul, hotel, food,etc.) but they will pay on a reimbursement basis- which means we still have to come up with the money for the drive down and hope that they will pay us back quickly...

The place to live is the trickiest part.

We're hoping we can find some way to get a home loan with 0% down- again, that darn economy rears its ugly head and I realize that this may be a dream, within a dream,within a dream... but I can't help but hope...$400 earnest money will be a lot easier to come up with than a security deposit plus first month's rent (and possibly last months rent too...)

I guess this is the time that we need to rely on our friends and family the most. If you're reading this and you happen to have friends or family in Vegas that could help us out, that would be amazing. Whether you have an uncle who owns and apartment complex that would be willing to wait a few weeks to be paid (until Jeff gets his first paycheck) or you have a cousin who is a real estate agent or mortgage broker in the Vegas area who could help us as well...anything... We would be muchly obliged to you and you would truly be the answer to a prayer.

All I can do is continue to pray. If this is right, we will find a way to make it work somehow. I believe that with every fiber of my being. Heavenly Father will move mountains to get you to where he needs you to be.

Here's to moving mountains.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Adjusting

2011-11-08T12:32:00.002-07:00

Some major decisions have been made in the last 24 hours- the first big one is that I have decided to dry up.

It was a heart wrenching decision, but my older sister and I spent some quality time together yesterday, and after attempting to see if baby would even try to latch, it became very clear that I needed to change my tactics. Amber helped me to see that there is no point in killing myself to make the pumping thing work, and with the sneaky suspicion that baby has a milk intolerance/allergy, I really just didn't think I could take on one more thing...that one more thing being completely cutting milk out of my diet on top of pumping every 2 to 3 hours to try to remotely keep up with her demands...

Some people may read this and think it sounds selfish- believe me, that is part of why it was such a hard decision to come to. The reality is that a baby needs a functioning, happy mom and with all the sleep deprivation caused by needing to pump, topped off with her fussy and gassy nature and never wanting to be put down at night, I knew that functioning and happy would not be an option if I continued on the path I was on.

Most people have been incredibly supportive. I must say how touched I am with the willingness of my friends and family to share their experiences with me and sending me the ultimate message of- its going to be okay!

I will say that things are already beginning to look up slightly. My older sister (the nurse) said that it may take 2-4 days before we would know if the formula switch was going to help anything, but I have to say that baby slept much better last night and had a lot less gas pain. She still had her moments of discomfort, but it was much easier to get her to calm down and stay asleep when I laid her down- this meant that I managed to get a little more sleep (not much, but it was more than I've gotten yet.) I still had to pump twice last night, but I am only pumping enough to take the edge off and am trying to wait as long as possible before pumping anything off. Amber says that this will gradually deplete my milk supply and help me to dry up with less discomfort...here's hoping it works soon. It will be nice to sleep until baby decides to wake me up. I think that has been the most frustrating part. She is fast asleep, and I wake up to pump, I'll just be finished and trying to lay down to go back to sleep and she wakes up....like I said, last night was better but I was definitely on the path to going crazy.

Its hard to believe that baby is almost 3 weeks old. 3 weeks ago yesterday I went into labor in the middle of the afternoon and denied being in labor for the next 48 hours...in fact more than that since I denied it until my midwife sent me up to the hospital that fateful Wednesday 3 weeks ago...

She has changed so much in just the last 3 weeks, and I almost feel guilty that I waited so long to make my decision to just move to a sensitive formulated formula all together- I wonder if I would have been able to enjoy her more if I hadn't been killing myself for the first 2 weeks trying to make breast feeding work...I guess we live and learn. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, it won't matter too much...most first time moms are just as sleep deprived and dazed and confused as I was and they somehow manage to get through the haze and back into the light...so why not me?

I found myself thinking today that I needed to try to get on a schedule. I desperately want to feel normal again, I desperately want to get out of my pajamas, feel awake enough to be a functioning member of society, and take my baby out into the world to show off how beautiful she is...however, I am beginning to realize I need to be more gentle with myself and stop being so hard on myself. You see, I have definitely been beating myself up for not being able to just bounce back and be normal- but with the help of wonderful friends who have been there- I am realizing that its okay to be in this limbo state...I still maintain my desire to be normal, but from here on out I vow not to let myself get too bogged down by the fact that I just can't seem to make my day work to get everything done that needs to be done.

Of course, as I type this I look around and my bedroom- or should I say the war zone that used to be my bedroom. Baby has peed and pooped on the sheets during diaper changes...have I washed them yet? Nope...I have probably a good 6 loads of laundry that need to be done, but have I started it yet today? Nope....

I didn't do much yesterday, but I did manage to bathe Faith (with some help from my awesome sister who came and picked us up to come to her house yesterday. A change of scenery actually did me a world of good- thanks Amber!) and I took a shower. I also did my hair, got dressed and taught a voice lesson...small victories, right?

The list goes on....

Today I managed to let baby have some tummy time today and I played with her, I also managed to get a bath in, which I'm actually supposed to be doing twice a day to help my stitches heal (yeah, it hasn't really happened, but its a nice dream...LOL) ...I suppose that is an accomplishment!

I probably could be doing laundry instead of typing a blog, but the reality is that this is therapeutic for me. I can clear my head and reassure myself that I'm doing okay. It helps me to sit and think of words to put with my thoughts and emotions and then to organize them.

Maybe, just maybe, if I tried to make some kind of schedule for myself and for baby it would possibly slightly work...

However, until we get the sleeping when its night time thing down, on top of making sure this new formula works, maybe it would be better to make goals...small attainable goals until I know I'm ready to make an actual schedule.

Wish me luck- I will let you know how it goes. Until next time, let me assure you that I am hopeful. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to tie a knot in the end of my rope and hang on until I manage to make it to the light. I am acutely aware that things could be so much worse than they are. I feel so blessed to have a healthy baby, to have wonderful friends who are willing to help me and give advice, and wonderful family that helps where they can. I am also blessed with an amazing husband who works so hard to make sure that things are okay for us.

Here's to onward and upward!

Hugs and Hope until next time darlings!

The lessons of sleep deprivation

2011-11-02T10:04:00.002-06:00

Every night I wake up every 2 hours like clockwork, and then I'm up for an hour...I have to pump to get milk for my sweet baby, and then that sweet baby wakes up after I've been awake about 1o minutes, we go through our usual dance of seeing if she will latch (and she doesn't) and then I give her a bottle, burp her till all the gas is out of her little belly and finish pumping. This dance usually takes about an hour every time it happens...

Let's just say I'm not getting much sleep.

I try to sleep when she does, really I do, but the unfortunate truth is that life is still moving on around me, and I hate feeling like a lump on a log laying in bed all day doing nothing. So, my goal has been to try to take at least an hour nap every day...it doesn't always happen but its a nice goal.

I am starting to get used to feeling like a walking zombie, but I have to admit that it is definitely taking its toll. This morning I was reduced to a wet, sobbing mess and my poor husband tried desperately to pick up the pieces and put them back together. He reminded me that I can wake him up to get help if I need it...

Believe me, I think about it every night, but I never wake him...at least not until 5 or 6 when that last feeding comes and I'm getting to the end of my sleep deprived rope. I feel bad waking him up. He has school, he has to drive, I feel like things are better and safer if I'm the only one suffering from this zombie-ish state...

However...

I am learning that maybe I am not super woman.

GASP!

But, wait- there are more conclusions I've been able to come to, conclusions that inevitably follow realizing you're not super woman....

I think, after last night, I have decided that I am giving up on breast feeding. Faith just doesn't want to do it, and I frankly am sick of trying to force her...This wasn't what I'd planned on...I had wanted to badly to be earth mamma- I wanted a natural child birth free from drugs and I end up in the hospital 4 weeks before I'm supposed to be on Pitocin because the universe had other plans...I wanted to breast feed until my baby was at least 9 months, but of course, when man makes plans God laughs...I didn't get to try to have my baby latch right after she was born, she was whisked away to the NICU- I didn't even get to hold her until 6 hours after she was born for goodness sake! My milk didn't come in because my body wasn't prepared and had been through trauma due to me hemorrhaging a bit after birth...I wasn't even getting colostrum out...I was dry as a bone. Since my milk came in on Monday last week, I'm still playing catch up. I produce anywhere from 1 to 1.5 oz (sometimes 2 if I'm lucky) in a single sitting, my baby eats 2 to 3.5 oz in any giving feeding. I'm always behind, my body just can't do what I am asking of it...

I will admit that I felt a bit of a weight lift off my shoulders when I finally came to this conclusion this morning. Part of me feels guilty...the reasons I'm giving up seem so selfish...but when I think about it, I recognize that my baby also needs a FUNCTIONING mother, and living in this sleep deprived state, I know that I am not being the best mommy I can be.

The next decision I'm weighing now is figuring out if I want to pump until my insufficient milk supply dries itself up or if I want to just dry up and move to formula and be done all the way. I figure that I will discuss both options with her pediatrician at her 2 week check up tomorrow. Her pediatrician has been great through all this. While he is normally a strong advocate for breast feeding, he has recognized and acknowledged the tough hand me and baby have been dealt. From day one he has said that in my given circumstance there is no shame in throwing in the towel when it comes to breast feeding. He made it clear at our first appointment outside the hospital that some premature babies never can get the hang of breast feeding because they miss out on those crucial first hours when term babies are given opportunities to latch right away and follow their instincts.

If my pediatrician encourages me to continue to pump until I'm out of milk, then I will try to follow his suggestion...what it will eventually boil down to is my sanity and whether or not I want to continue the regimen of waking up every 2 hours to pump when milk comes in. Right now, for me, its become about survival and I know for certain is I can't survive on 1-2 hours of sleep a night for much longer.

However, with all these hard pills that I've had to swallow, I've come to some more conclusions that are wonderful and sweet.

I am even more in love with my husband now than I ever thought would be possible. This deeper love started the first time I got to hold Faith and looked up to see tears streaming down his face. Jeff is generally a pretty solid, stoic character. He is hilarious, but I've only ever seen him cry once before this, it was after he gave me a blessing once when we were first married. Seeing him cry at this moment, and feeling the spirit that was in the NICU as we held our baby for the first time are a feeling and a sight that I won't soon forget. I. Love. That. Man.

The whole time I was in labor in the hospital Jeff was a pillar of strength. He worked so hard to encourage me and make me feel safe and comfortable. I know it was killing him that he couldn't do anything to take my pain away, but he tried to do what he could to alleviate what he could. I wish that the bed I had labored in was a bit bigger. The whole time I was in labor I just wanted to snuggle up with him and bury my face in his chest. I think he knew that, and he stayed close by. He hated that he had to leave the room for a phone interview for a job that he had scheduled the week before- but he was always right where I needed him to be. I would be closing my eyes, crying silent tears and all of a sudden I would feel his hand clasp mine. He didn't leave me alone, he always made sure I had what I needed. He is the most amazing man and I am so lucky that he chose me, as flawed and crazy as I am, to be his eternal companion. I definitely couldn't picture eternity without him- especially now.

Every time he holds Faith he looks down at her and gets this special smile that I've never seen before her entrance into our world. Its Faith's smile, a look he reserves specially for her, and it makes me love him even more because I know he has a special smile just for me too. I know he is completely wrapped around her little finger, and she didn't even have to do anything to make it happen. He is in love with her. He will hold her, look at me, and in his best impression of a 2 year old he will say "MY BABY!" He will then hold her close, breathe her in, and refuse for a time to let anyone else hold her on the grounds that she is his baby. I can't help but love him more in these moments.

Its so funny think back to how nervous he was about being a dad when we first found out that Faith was on her way to our family and see him now. He loves her, he can't get enough. He is awestruck by her. I asked him to give Faith a blessing the other night after my attempt to get more milk in using Blessed Thistle and Fenugreek ended with both of us getting a lovely red rash all over. He was quick to respond. He didn't even hesitate. When he is in the room, you can feel the love he has for both me and his little girl radiate off of him.

He thinks he is just doing what any guy would do...but I know plenty of friends who would say that their husbands wouldn't be this way, they wouldn't be as helpful, as kind, or as loving. Again, I am truly blessed.

Another conclusion I have come to...my baby wants to grow up WAAAAY to fast.

She already rolls up onto her side, lifts her head, and the other day when I was feeding her I tried to take the bottle out of her mouth to burp her only to have her grab the bottle, put it back in her mouth and hold it there all by herself for the rest of the feeding...

People definitely don't lie when they say time goes by and before you know it they aren't babies anymore...one more reason I have to get out of my current zombie-fied state...I feel like I'm missing it, like I can't fully take it in because all I want to do is sleep.

She will only be this little once. Every day she experiences some sort of first and I often don't even think about it, but when I do it makes me want to cry. Its so strange how fast we're exposed to the world, its strange how quickly the firsts start to hit us like a 2x4 in the face.

Well darlings, all I can say is, the moral for today is to allow yourself to take everything in. Drink life in, and don't take it for granted. You never realize what you've missed until you look back and realize that its passed you by.

Hugs and sleep until next time darlings.

Grateful for Small Victories...

2011-10-21T16:52:00.002-06:00

This morning was filled with a lot of hope. I spoke to the pediatrician and he was super surprised by Faith's progress. In fact, he said that if she was eating well she may even possibly be able to come home with me when I'm discharged tomorrow.

Hope welled up inside me. I had been refusing to allow myself to think of the possibility of leaving here without my baby in my arms, and for that moment it seemed like I had been doing the right thing, just avoiding and ignoring that possibility.

Our first feeding of the morning was the best we'd had yet. She latched and fed for about 5 minutes without any aids. I thought we were making real and totally doable progress when it came to the goal of tomorrow.

Then, came the afternoon feed. Faith was just sleepy and content (they still have her on a sugar solution in her IV that helps to keep her blood sugar up, which is good and necessary, but also makes it so she doesn't feel hungry.) We held her for about an hour hoping she would wake up and open her eyes, but alas, no luck.

We came back to the room with hopes that I could take a short and needed nap. My iron levels are severely low. Apparently I must have bled too much yesterday and my body just hasn't been able to bounce back. This has left me a very sleepy, very dizzy Brittany at times, but I have been trying to push through because, inevitably, I have been more worried about Faith than myself. Well, the nap didn't work because it was lunch time.

The goal then became eat and nap while Jeff went to take a nap and do some things for himself. Well, I ate, but I decided I wanted to chat. I called my sister in law and talked for over an hour...well, too bad no nap...I realized it was almost 2 PM and I should probably try to go feed Faith again.

Well, I though there was hope in succeeding at a feeding because they said she was awake and her eyes were open...a very good sign.

I have been trying to get the hang of the whole breast feeding thing. Its been frustrating because not even my colostrum had been seeming to come in yet.

Well, things went from bad to worse...

Faith would latch and then sit there, doing nothing. We tried using an SNS drip. You fill it with formula and either tape the little tube to yourself or put it underneath a nipple shield and trick the baby into eating and wanting to suck...that wasn't working either. I was trying to remain positive and simply cheered on my daughter stating that if she wanted to come home tomorrow she needed to start showing the nurses that she knew how to eat...

and then things got much worse...

The wonderful nurse running the NICU whom had been helping me with acquiring my feeding skills rubbed my back and gently explained that based off of the way Faith was acting, she was pretty sure that she wasn't going to come home with me tomorrow.

Without warning the floodgates opened. I had been ignoring the thoughts of what it would be like to walk out of this hospital tomorrow without her and now I was being told it was reality. My sweet nurse suggested we stop trying to push something on her she wasn't ready for and explained that a lot of babies born before 38 weeks have a tendency to understand the latch and not the suck part, even though they have a working and strong suck reflex when tested. Maybe Faith just wasn't ready to eat on her own yet. She said that I would be welcome to stay on at the hospital in an extra room so I could be close to her until we could take her home, but the earliest that she could see Faith leaving the NICU and coming home would be Monday.

I sat, sobbed and held my baby. I prayed quietly hoping for the hurt in my heart to go away. When you're pregnant and anticipating how things will end, you don't picture having to leave your baby at the hospital...especially when everyone keeps telling you how great she looks and how much progress she has made. The NICU nurse continued to stroke my back and tried to make me feel better, reassuring me that it was okay to cry and that everything would be fine. Reminding me of all the obstacles that Faith had overcome in spite of everything...

The nurse had to leave go help another couple with their baby. She suggested that I hold her and love on her for a minute, but that maybe I should leave and get some rest. I held her close and prayed for some hope, a little glimpse that everything would be okay. I had literally just thought my "amen" when I noticed Faith snuzzling my neck like hungry babies do. She also started to eat her hand. In my head I thought, "If she can suck on her hand than she can suck, we just need to keep trying." I lowered her back down to try again. The NICU nurse came back and said, "Oh, you're going to try again? Okay. Just let me know when you're ready for me to take her or you need help."

She turned around to talk to some of her co-workers and Faith went to town! I let her know that Faith was feeding. She turned around and looked at her with a surprised look. She said, "Well, I guess just let me know when she stops." About 10 minutes later Faith started to grunt and cry. I pulled her off the latch and tried to burp her. She got the hiccups. We had to wait for about 15 minutes to try again. I tried using the nipple shield and the SNS again in hopes of possibly getting her some actual nutrition (again, I didn't think I had anything coming in at all- not even colostrum) but she refused to take it... I had to laugh because as soon as the nipple shield and SNS were gone, she opened her mouth wide and went to latch onto the bare skin. I decided to let her have what she wanted...wonder of wonders- I realized she was swallowing, she was actually getting something! She continued to feed for another 15 minutes and pulled herself off with a grunt. I burped her and she fell asleep on my shoulder.

The NICU nurse came over to tell me that Faith's jaundice levels were higher than they'd like and that she was going to have to put her on a bili light once I left, but she definitely remarked how amazed she was with Faith. The last 15 minutes were what had surprised her the most.

I'm not going to allow myself to think that just because she finally fed things are going to turn around and she will magically come home tomorrow...especially because she is now officially jaundiced...

However, I am going to say how grateful I am for small victories and little miracles. Faith can eat, she is a little pro at it. I am so blessed by a loving Heavenly Father- he answered my prayer right away. I was witness to a miracle this afternoon, and I am truly awestruck by his ability to surprise us with an immediate answer to a humble prayer.

I think of all the people out there that are praying for so many big things, and maybe they don't see the answers right away...

My humble prayer that my baby can come home tomorrow may or may not be answered, but I am so happy for the small victories that I was able to witness today. Small victories are just one way that God lets us know that he truly is listening, we just have to be willing to look for them and wait for the bigger ones.

Thank you to all of you that have been offering prayers and good thoughts in my behalf on on my daughter's behalf- I think you should know that I truly believe that you played a huge role in this small victory today. I was just the one who was blessed enough to witness the immediate answer to my prayer added to all of yours first hand.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

Well...So Much for Maternity Pictures...AKA Faith's Birth Story

2011-10-20T15:00:00.002-06:00

Monday I talked to my older sister about shooting some maternity pics and a few hours later I started contracting..

Funny thing is, I didn't think I was contracting...I couldn't be...maybe I was constipated or something...(yes,I just used the word constipated in a blog- get over it!) I tried not to think too much of it. I went to my little sister's gender announcement party for her coming addition and they started to get a little worse. My older sister (who is also a Labor and Delivery Nurse) tried to help me time them. She put her hand on my hard as a rock belly and said that they were definitely contractions... I kept trying to track them, but they weren't steady...

Sleep evaded me that night. I would get to sleep for an hour or two and have a few contractions, get ready to try to time them thinking they were steady only to have them stop- the same process would repeat many times...

I walked all day on Tuesday hoping that things would get steady...and I was MISERABLE! I was exhausted from no sleep and the unsteady contractions would go from being super painful to annoying like a toothache or would stop all together for a few hours...

Right before I got ready to teach voice lessons for the day I sat on the couch in the living room and felt a tiny gush of water...nothing too extreme, in fact I wouldn't have thought anything of it if it hadn't been for the fact that my contractions seemed to get worse a few hours later.

My friend Erica came over that night and visited with me. All the while my personal nurse (AKA my older sister Amber) was calling me from her shift at the hospital trying to convince me to go up for a labor check...

I really didn't want to for a few reasons:

1) I didn't want to go up to the hospital and be told that I was just constipated or something and not in labor

2) It was about 3 and 1/2 weeks too soon for this baby to be making a grand entrance, therefore impossible that I was in labor

3) I didn't want to go, have them tell me that yes, I was in labor, but I would have to go home until contractions were steady...

I decided to wait it out. I called and left my midwife a message and since we had an appointment the next morning, I would let her do the labor check...

Well...

8:45 yesterday morning rolls around. My husband hesitantly went off to school and my personal nurse decided to join me at the doctor's office...

I'm kind of glad she did because I wouldn't have known where to begin...

We listened to baby's heartbeat, it was fine and my midwife decided to test and see if I was leaking amniotic fluid...she didn't even have to stick the paper all the way in, it was VERY positive...my water had either broken or I had a tear in the sack. She checked me. I was 75% effaced, but only dilated to a 1. She sent me right up to the hospital.

She felt horrible because my lack of contractions and my broken water meant I would absolutely have to have Pitocin. I told her I was okay with that because I knew it was necessary for my safety and baby's safety. My only problem with Pitocin was the use of it to "speed things along" unnecessarily like some OB's try to do.

Besides...at this point I'd already been in labor for over 24 hours and dealing with no sleep and crappy contraction patterns...I was just ready to be done and I knew this would be the only way.

I got to Mountainview and they hooked me up to moniters...apparently I was having contractions and they were pretty steady but I just wasn't feeling them- ergo they weren't doing anything.

Then came the dreaded bag of Pitocin...it actually took a few hours before I started feeling the contractions. The nurses were surprised at my level of pain tolerance, the Pitocin was pretty high before I felt the contractions.

After about 6 hours on Pitocin I felt another large gush of water. We assumed that was my water breaking the rest of the way. I got on the birthing ball for about an hour to try to help manage the pain (since I couldn't do the tub like I'd been planning on because the baby had to be on constant monitoring to ensure she was handling the Pitocin alright) My midwife came in to check me and was helping me off the birthing ball when Niagra Falls gushed...I swear I stood there for 3-5 minutes as water went all over the place. I was so embarrassed and apologized through my tears. My midwife simply said that there were towels that could clean up the water, and we needed to look at our bright sides: 1) the fluid was all very clear and 2) with the water completely broken for sure things should move along faster.

Then came the sad part...she checked me and I was only about 2 or 2 and 1/2 cm dilated. My contractions started getting more unbearable, though I refused to admit that the pain was a 10 even though it was...tears kept flowing and, of course, they only made the contractions worse because I was all tense because I was crying....Jeff was, in short, amazing. I told him that I didn't think I could do this, he quietly kept assuring me that I was doing awesome and he was on the ball. If I needed anything he was quick to be there. Anytime I was in pain as they checked me or as contractions got worse I would close my eyes and all of a sudden I would feel his hand wrapped around mine. I definitely couldn't have done it without him.

Although I was on Pitocin, I was trying to be gung ho about the no epidural thing... however, after about 10 hours on Pitocin, being so exhausted I could barely see straight, and having contractions that were about 3 times more painful than regular ones stacked right on top of each other- and not causing much cervical change to boot... I knew I couldn't do it...it broke my heart, I felt completely defeated, but I knew that if I was going to have to labor through the night (and I would have to) I needed to be able to get some sleep.

We tried Fentanyl before the epidural. It worked for about an hour and then I was a weepy, sobbing, wet mess again. My knees were starting to bruise from me having Jeff do counterpressure on them to help mitigate the pain of the contractions. My nurse came in and we had a chat about how I wasn't doing anything wrong to have the epidural; in fact, my nurse noted how surprised she and all the other nurses had been that I had lasted as long as I had. They didn't doubt that I could go all the way, but they knew because I'd been in labor since Monday I would likely be way too exhausted to push when the time came. She quietly kept assuring me that I was making the right decision.

Of course, I was a sobbing mess, I felt defeated and of course the crying made the contractions worse so I cried harder because I was in constant pain...

It honestly felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when the Anesthesiologist came in. However, he was very slowly preparing everything and I had about 6 contractions by the time he got the ball rolling.

The worst part of the epidural was the numbing shot. He called it a killer bee sting and boy howdy he wasn't lying...however, once that was set and numbing everything I didn't even feel the rest. He was even pleased with the fact that his test dose actually worked right away and I was immediately feeling some relief.

It ended up being a huge blessing that I had the epidural. My midwife and my nurse were able to do what they had been wanting to do but were too afraid to do while I was in pain...they turned the epidural down and slowly started to turn it back up so that they could get the contraction patterns steady and effective, they were also able to place a special electrode to measure the contractions more effectively because the external monitor wasn't picking up my contractions correctly and I wasn't getting credit on the monitors for how bad the contractions really were.

When the electrode was placed my midwife saw the level of my contractions and told me how amazed she was that I had waited as long as I did for the epidural...

They turned down the Pitocin and slowly started to turn it back up in hopes of getting a steady pattern going. It worked, but it still took until about midnight before I was dilated to a 4. About an hour later I was a 5...and baby got lower and lower and lower.

By 6:30 I was completely dilated, but the nurse didn't want me to push without my midwife and was concerned because I still had a lip of cervix on one side. She decided to let me labor down- this means that she decided to let my body try to push the baby down as low as she could possibly get before I did too much work to try to move her down on my own.

By 7 I was dying! The had asked me to stop pushing the renew button for my epidural because they wanted me to be able to push effectively and, while it wasn't painful like a contraction, the pressure was almost unbearable! I had to push- but my midwife wasn't there yet...she was on her way but no one could say how far away she was.

I cried tears of anger and relief when she walked through the door at 7:30, I couldn't wait anymore to push! She checked me, or should I say she barely stuck her two fingers in and said, "I'm sorry I took so long! Baby is right there isn't she!?" We got ready to push right away.

It felt good to push, it relieved a lot of the pain until I got to the famous "ring of fire" section of the birth when the baby's head has finally made it past the pubic bone...

However, apparently I am a rock star- everyone was shocked that I had her out after only 30 minutes of pushing. Most first time mom's push for hours. Part of me thinks its because by the time I was able to push the majority of the epidural had worn off so I was really, really able to feel how and where to push.

Baby came out and they laid her on my chest for about 2.2 seconds. She was small enough that my midwife knew she couldn't let me hold her at first. They had a respiratory therapist waiting in the room while I pushed and he immediately went to work. Considering how early she was, they weren't surprised she was having a little trouble breathing and had been preparing me for it since I had been admitted to the hospital the previous morning.

I think the only thing I wasn't prepared for was not being able to hold her. I didn't even get a good look at her face. All I had was pictures that my husband brought over to me... the lucky duck could walk and stand, I unfortunately could not.

Jeff came back to me and made sure I was okay before asking to go be with the baby. I told him to go.

There were concerns of infection because my water had started to break so long before the actual delivery took place, and of course there were the previously mentioned breathing problems...the breathing problems weren't too bad, her lungs were simply a little "stiff" and she needed to have some help to keep them pushed open at first.

I finally got to hold her at 2 PM. The NICU nurse is awesome. She also gave us a very positive update. Baby is almost weaned off the oxygen, has been able to suck on a pacifier, and the labs they have gotten back so far have pointed to no infection. There is one more lab that take 48 hours to get back, if that one is clear I should be able to take her home when I go home on Saturday.

I too am on infection watch because of my water being broken for so long, so I have to stay at the hospital for 48 hours as well.

Hopefully I will be able to go in and try to feed her sometime later this evening. The pediatrician has her on a sugar IV fluid that has made her not very hungry because they needed to keep her blood sugar up in case she wasn't breathing well enough on her own to feed, but they suspect she is and will be ready any time now...I'm just waiting for them to come get me.

Well, that is how my last few days have gone...who knew things could get so interesting so quickly!?

Hugs and baby kisses until next time darlings!

Things I'm Loving Right Now

2011-10-10T09:45:00.003-06:00

Well,

I woke up this morning feeling like a grumpy sour-puss...

It seems like things that normally don't bother me at all just can't seem to roll off my back. Perhaps I will blog about those things if they are still bothering me tomorrow, but I prefer not to blog about things while they are making me want to punch someone in the face...I have learned from experience that sometimes other people are feeling the same way that I am but on the opposite end of the spectrum, and I would prefer not to get more worked up by causing a heated debate...especially because we're almost to the point when baby could come any day (Thursday I will be 36 weeks...if I went into labor they wouldn't do anything to stop it...)

Anywhoo...

I decided that, in an effort to lift my grumpy spirits, I would blog about things that I'm loving right now...even if sometimes they make me tired and I don't want to do them...

I am loving baking using the seasonal fall fruits. I have had the overwhelming need and desire to make an apple pie or tart for the last few days, fortunately for my family I haven't had any apples in the house...you see, I am one of those bakers that has a tendency to bake and then not partake- leaving my family to consume the unnecessary calories. My most popular ventures have been my "crumbles", in my house we call them cobblers, even though technically they aren't a cobbler (cobblers have a cake-like crust, a crumble has a delicious streusel topping on top of the fruit.)

I made a delicious peach crumble the other day with some peaches my sister had canned and gave to my parents. I think mom and dad ended up eating the majority of that one. I also decided to try my hand at a plum crumble. My mother-in-law gave us a very large bag of plums off of her tree to use the last time we went to Preston and I hated thinking that they would go to waste. Before the batteries in my camera died I managed to get a snapshot of that deliciousness. I'd never had a plum in a baked dessert before this. I have to say that I enjoyed the tart taste.

I've also been plodding along with preschool. My niece gets super excited to come when we meet and she is super smart. I did manage to find an online program to supplement our learning process. You have to be a member to access all the content, but you can access a majority of it for free!!! The content includes learning games that help teach phonics, reading, numbers, beginning addition/subtraction...Raylee would probably play on it for the full 2 hours of preschool if I would let her. She loves showing everyone that she can read certain words or that she has done something correctly in a game.

For all my homegirls out there that are experiencing the joys of homeschooling for preschool click here to check it out!

I thought I'd also show you some of the last pictures that I have of the drawings and activities we've been doing.

Here is our alphabet wall...I have since added a few letters, but until I remember to get new batteries to put in my camera (which needs to happen soon since I need to pack it in the hospital bag) You will have to deal with a not so current picture of my cartoony doodling abilities...LOL

Here is our number wall, again, I've added a few numbers since. Raylee always gets super excited when she sees a new number or letter on the wall when she gets to class. She is super eager to be a "Number and Letter Master!" (as she calls herself.)

A few weeks ago we did our unit of days of the week. We learned a little song to remember the days of the week in order to the tune of "O My Darlin' Clementine" Every day we had school, we made a very hungry caterpillar and added a new ring with the day of the week attached and the food that made it grow.

Here is a full view of our days of the week wall (which is now a days of the week and month wall...we made a giant calendar last week for the month of October and hung it up! )

Every day when she comes to class we say what yesterday was, today is, and tomorrow will be and mark a day off of our calendar. She took her caterpillar home and insisted that her mom hang it up so that she could remember the days of the week. Kiersten says that she still talks about what the caterpillar needs to eat that day.

Well, I guess this is all you get until I get batteries. I have been writing a lot of crochet patterns and have made a few gifts (that I still need to get shipped to people) , finished a commission (that I still need to get dropped off and collect the money for), and have just been trying to stay busy...

As for completing the day thinking of things I'm loving right now, my thoughts are now turned to my husband. I'm hoping for a date night tonight (or a mini one) to get me out of my grumpy funk. I think Starbucks inside Barnes and Noble for some hot chocolate is definitely in order...or something to that effect... No matter what, I definitely need a hug from him right now... why oh why must be his college classes be so far away??!?!?!

Hugs and loves (without the grumpiness- we hope) until next time darlings!

Here I Sit

2011-10-08T15:11:00.002-06:00

Here I sit...

Watching as my belly moves back and forth...its slightly painful each time because literally it moves from side to side as baby rocks back and forth.

I'm pretty much exhausted. I just woke up not long ago from a nap that lasted about an hour and a half and I feel like it did some good, but not enough.

However, in spite of my shape shifting belly, I sit here and think that life is pretty darn good. It could be so much worse, really. I am so grateful. Somehow, God in his mercy continues to bless me and life seems to plod ahead.

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now...will my husband graduate in December? will he be able to get a job (because we hear every day how hopeful to be on that front *sarcastic face and tone*) will my baby be healthy? on and on the questions can come....

So many questions, so many "what ifs?"

But, the more I sit here, the more I think of all the really wonderful things that continue to happen, I think of all the little ways that God blesses me and I choose to feel peace. I choose to not allow myself to be bogged down and concerned by all the "what ifs". I think of what IS, and I have the overwhelming feeling that no matter what happens, we will be taken care of.

I know without a doubt, if we continue to follow the council of the Lord given to us by his servants the prophets that we can weather any storm. I know if we follow he law of tithing, we will be able to find and open the windows of heaven and receive all the blessings we could ever want and need.

God is a loving father. He may not bless us with our heart's desire right away, but sure as I sit here and watch my morphing belly, He will always make sure we have what we need.

I also know we can't leave it all up to God. I know that we need to be making wise choices, spiritually, financially, and physically in order to be able to receive what He wants to bless us with. We can't go on a shopping spree, spending money that we don't have and then pray for and expect God to fix our financial situations when they become dire...we have to be willing to do part of the work.

Yes- God performs miracles. Through His power Christ was able to heal the sick and afflicted, and that healing continues today through his Holy Priesthood...however, in order to receive a miracle we need to BE a miracle. We can't be afraid of standing up for what we believe in, we can't be afraid to make hard decisions...

whether that decision is to move to another country or state to take a job in our field, or whether that decision is to forge ahead and grow our families in spite of economic turmoil because we know we've been directed to do so... our actions need to be worthy of those miracles.

So...I sit...I forge ahead...I work to do His will...I look for His blessings, and I allow myself to be grateful.

I think of how much worse any situation could be as I look at the trials of those around me and the trials of others that are showcased by the media....I then realize that I wouldn't want to trade my trials with anyone else. Heavenly Father knows what we can handle, he also knows when to test us.

Someday I will have the faith of Abraham, who took his son into the mountains to turn him into an offering at the Lord's request only to have the Lord stay his hand and tell him that he had passed....I don't know if my faith is to that level.

I do what I can. I just make sure I try a little harder each day to listen and do what I'm directed to do by the spirit...even if it scares me or I don't understand why.

We don't always need the "Why" at first...we just need to know that a "Why" exists, and will be revealed to us at the right time.

So...here I sit...

Hugs and Loves until next time darlings!

Its a Peach Cobbler Kind of Day

2011-10-05T12:06:00.003-06:00

Well,

After spending way longer than anticipated at the doctor's office (apparently it was a busy morning of labor checks and work for my poor, wonderful midwife! My appointment was supposed to be a quick one that started at 9:15, we didn't get back to a room until 10 and then we waited for a while- we didn't leave until almost 11! My poor midwife- all she could do was apologize and then tease me for gaining more weight...) I left feeling confident and very reassured about the time ahead of me.

Baby has dropped. I thought she had, but my midwife definitely confirmed that when she was shocked and amazed by how low her head is, she was also amazed by the fact that there was a whole fist's worth of space at the top of my belly where baby used to be. Baby is head down, and according to my midwife, it doesn't look like things will be changing any time soon.

At the end of my appointments, my midwife always takes time to talk to me and address any concerns or fears I have-no matter how silly they may seem. Today I definitely wanted to have a chat with her. In light of the news that yet another friend of mine was induced and had a labor that ended in a C-section, I was feeling pretty concerned. You see, I have had 6 friends over the last 4-6 months that have had babies. One of them went into labor naturally and everything went swimmingly. Out of the five that were induced, only one went on to have her baby naturally- all the rest were C-sections. I wanted to get my midwife's opinion on this. I felt like I needed to be prepared and know where to draw the line, so to speak, when it came to being induced.

My hope and plan, as of right now, is to have a drug free birth. I want to avoid Pitocin and any other hormone synthetics like the plague- and while I reserve my right to wimp out and ask for one, I want to try to do this without an epidural. Not knowing for sure where my midwife stood on induction, I felt like I needed to talk to her and see if my expectations were unrealistic.

I have to say how refreshing our conversation was. I gave her the background of my concerns, using my personal statistic of 4 out of 5 friends having an induced labor end in C-section, and I asked her the dreaded question, "I know this is a little early, but when would we start talking about an induction?" Without skipping a beat my dear midwife answered, "42 weeks, and even then we would do an ultrasound to make sure if baby is still tolerating life inside the womb. I agree with you, we should let your body do what it wants to do when its ready to do it."

I can't tell you how relieved I was.

She even described that there were more natural ways to induce labor than I had heard of and that, if a Pitocin and drug free birth was my wish, as long as things were safe for me and for baby, we would exhaust our natural options before moving to the synthetic ones. She related to me the story of a woman she had delivered on Saturday. She was 41 weeks and 2 days and had been dilated to a 3 for about a week. Susan said that, because she was dilated far enough, they were able to break her water and induce the contractions naturally. She said that this woman delivered within 3 hours of having had her water broken (P.S. it was her first baby) Susan said that she was even surprised by how quickly the delivery went, but not surprised at the same time...she said that the woman's body was ready to have the baby, it just needed the extra push of the broken waters to get things moving the rest of the way. While she can't guarantee that I will deliver in 3 hours if I happen to go over and wait it out...she said she can guarantee that if my body is ready, the experience isn't half as bad as trying to force it.

It was nice to know that I'm not taking crazy pills with my lofty thoughts of a drug free birth...but my attitude is, if my pioneer ancestors could do it without Pitocin, Cytotec, Epidurals, etc., why can't I? Again, I totally reserve my right to wimp out, but I am going to try my hardest to remain focused on what will be better in the long run, and from everything I've researched and read, the recovery from a drug free birth is faster for both mom and baby...I'm going to try to keep that and those pioneer women who delivered in the back of ox carts in mind...

So...what makes it a Peach Cobbler kind of day??? Well, not the discussion I just related, but it made me feel better, and I know that I have lots of friends expecting babies in the coming months and I thought I'd share. :)

It is officially fall! My favorite kind of weather is here! I love the brisk air, the changing colors of trees...the fruit that falls of the trees...

We have peaches that have been sitting around the house, and nothing screams fall day to me like a yummy peach cobbler...so I think I'm going to get going on that and I will let you all know how it turns out- it will be perfect with my homemade beef pot pie that I am slow cooking as I type!

Happy fall and happy babies! Keep smiling and enjoy the beautiful weather ( I love fall days, especially rainy ones...)

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

Consider the Lillies

2011-10-02T16:36:00.002-06:00

I know its been a while since I posted last. I apologize. I was told on Thursday by a devout reader (namely my cousin Lexi- Hi girlie!) that she reads my blog every day and that I needed to update it.

Things have been a little hectic around here to say the very least, well maybe not more hectic, but the more pregnant I get, the more I find that things that I used to squeeze into my schedule with ease are harder and harder to find motivation for. I've been very discouraged as of late- worried about the baby, worried if I will be a good mom, worried about finances, worried about my husband...and I definitely have felt like a broken record- a broken record that plays one complaint after another...

Lately, my solution to end the broken record feeling has been to avoid the question of how I'm doing, or to lie and say I'm fine...of course, this doesn't work with my husband or my family members who live close by because they look at me and know I'm lying...My husband has been ever so gracious to remind me where liars go...so I've come to the solution that I need a new solution.

This weekend has been a very fun filled and enlightening one.

My cousin Samantha kicked off the weekend on Thursday with her wedding. With the exception of my uncle Neil and his wife, all of my aunts and uncles came to help celebrate. As I sat at the reception visiting with family members that I haven't seen in a long while, a part of me started to get a little sad in a way...the event became almost bittersweet.

Why was it bittersweet? It was a wedding for goodness sakes! Well, the reception reminded me greatly of the family summer picnics we used to have. We'd all go over to grandma and grandpa's condo and have a big picnic lunch or dinner and a pool party. They also served our famous Winberg family punch at the reception- which of course reminded me of all the Christmas morning waffle breakfasts we used to have... I started to wonder...how did it get to be that we grew apart? We would come together at least twice a year every year when I was a kid. It was fun to see everyone and rejoice in being together. It was fun to watch my dad and uncle tease eachother and be goofballs. I remembered my grandpa wearing his "Bah Humbug!" sweater every Christmas morning and pretending to be a Scrooge until the Lil Smokie sausages were complete, making it possible for him to eat his waffle breakfast...

After my dad and grandpa died, the waffle breakfasts and picnics seemed to come to a screeching halt. I guess losing 2 vital members in one year would be a major shock for any family. For a while, we started having a pre-Thanksgiving or Christmas pizza party at Leo's Place, a local pizza restaurant in Idaho Falls. It almost felt like normal again...but gradually, as cousins aged and people became busy those get togethers eventually stopped too.

I couldn't really pinpoint it, what had happened to us? Why had it been 2 years since I'd seen most of my family members? These people are the last link I have to my dad...you would think I would be chomping at the bit to make excuses to get together...

I left the wedding excited to have seen everyone and to have had the opportunity to introduce my husband to family members that had not met him yet and hadn't made it to our wedding, glad to see that some things never change- made evident by Uncle Jeff who was the same goofball he's always been- but terribly frustrated...what was the answer? Why had we become so distant that, even though many of us live in the same town, we never see each other? (of course, this became added to my list of worries and concerns...)

All I can say is I am so grateful for General Conference this weekend. The Lord knew what was weighing heavily on my mind, and I was blessed with the answers.

What is General Conference you may ask? Some of you are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and some of you may know about the church, but don't know what the hoopla is about. Every first weekend of October and April (every 6 months) there is a worldwide meeting of the LDS church known as General Conference. Many people flock to Salt Lake City with free tickets into the Conference Center (lucky ducks that they are) or to the overflow in the Tabernacle to listen in person (or almost in person, since those in the Tabernacle watch via satellite) while other members of the church watch or listen from their homes of churches around the world. We have 4 sessions of General Conference that are 2 hours long a piece beginning with 2 on Saturday (plus a fifth general Priesthood session specially for the men) and 2 on Sunday. During this meeting, we listen to the inspired words of our church leaders (namely our beloved Prophet Thomas S. Monson, his counselors, our apostles, members of the quorums of the seventy, and other auxiliary church leaders.) No one is given a specific topic to speak on. All people called upon to speak by the Prophet are instructed to pray and speak about what God prompts them to talk about.

Some of you are thinking...this girl is nuts- she sits through 8 HOURS of church!!! To which I proudly respond- you're darn right I do!

I listen because there are always words of council and great hope. I can promise you, whatever ails you, you will find the cure in a conference address. That address may be from our beloved Prophet, or it just might be the address of the 2nd Councilor in the Young Women's General Presidency....there is something for everyone.

This weekend was a veritable spiritual feast for me. All my worries and concerns seemed to melt away.

I must admit, I'm horrible at remembering who gave what address- so bear with me as I give you the highlights.

Yesterday, there was a wonderful address that spoke to my heart in the second session of conference about the importance of families and, more importantly, our divine duty to be parents. Since I married, I have had many people that I respect question the decision of my husband and I to start our family so soon...frankly, we weren't expecting it quite as soon as it happened, but we had made the decision that we would welcome children with open arms if and when the Lord chose to bless us with them. Knowing that I had been told in high school that I would have a difficult time conceiving children, we acted in a manner that we thought was the best to increase our chances of being able to have biological children, but those sweet moments of grief where my husband held me and told me that we would travel the world and adopt from every continent will remain etched in my memory. I am so blessed to have him....anyway...back to the address... the speaker related his own story. As a young, newly married, returned missionary, he and his wife had made the difficult decision that, while they wanted to start a family, they would wait so that she could work and support the household while he finished medical school. Shortly after this discussion, they were visiting his in-laws for the weekend and happened upon an article in the Ensign (an LDS church magazine that contains articles and addresses from church leaders). This address from a then apostle Spencer W. Kimball (who would later be the prophet) cautioned the saints that they shouldn't put off having families for what the world tells them they should have. The speaker related how within 30 minutes he was in the office of President Kimball, relating his decision with his wife and their reasons. The sweet, then apostle, listened carefully to him as he related all his concerns. He simply told him that he should not delay working for eternal happiness in order to secure temporal happiness. He said that if you are working towards things that matter to God, he will bless you so that your needs are met.

In other words, we shouldn't delay in starting our families our of fear that we won't be able to give them all the latest gadgets and toys- should we be smart in thinking about our situations- yes, but, with the Lord's help, you will always be provided for. Of course, this is something that I had been telling myself over and over as I have been questioned about the choice that my husband and I made- but it seemed more striking as I heard it from the pulpit. It brought me peace. The world and the people in it may not understand what drives us to have families and children, we may be told that we should seek for other things first like world travel or riches, but we understand the riches that we will receive from heaven as we have the sacred and special opportunity to be mothers and fathers- to watch someone grow and help them navigate through this world. All the time that I could have spent singing in a foreign country or living with all the worldly goods money can buy will not be able to replace the sacred and special moments I've had while carrying this baby- they cannot replace the sacred and special moments with my husband- the moments where we make decisions and work together towards our ultimate goals with the help of God- I wouldn't trade the day that I found out I was pregnant or hearing our baby's healthy heartbeat for the first time for all the gold and riches that the world could offer me.

There were also great addresses given about how we use our time. (Hello answer to my worry about my family) We were cautioned in one address to evaluate how we are using our time and to not allow ourselves to become swept away and so concerned about social networking, tweets and facebook that we forget to make time for the Lord and our families. We were reminded that social networking and the Internet can be of great value in sharing our beliefs and reconnecting with family members (alive and dead) after hearing the several addresses given about time management, I have decided that I am going to make a few goals: 1) I will write a facebook message or email to at least 1 family member a day while I am spending my time doing my "social networking" 2) I will try to be better at writing on my blog- many of my family members use it to keep up with me and I have noticed that it has become a journal of sorts. This blog could be printed and invaluable to my children and my grandchildren on down the line. From it, they will be able to read my thoughts, feelings, and gain insight from my experiences and 3) I will replace one time that I log onto facebook to check messages and notifications with a solid 30 minutes of scripture study. Yes, keeping up with friends and family is a good thing, but I also need to keep up with my Heavenly Father and scripture study is one way to open that window of communication.

In the first session of Conference today was a wonderful talk given by one of the general young women's presidency. She addressed something that Jeff has been concerned about- What do I do with a little girl? This question has plagued him for the last 14 weeks...because that is when we found out that we were going to welcome a daughter into our family. This address really touched me because it made me even more grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such a wonderful man to share this life and eternity with. So- what do you do with a girl? You love her and you set a good example by loving her mother, by honoring your priesthood, and by acting as a patriarch in your home- asking questions and interviewing her and her friends to gain the insight you need to preside over them justly and honorably...as this sweet sister described the attributes of a good father for a daughter I was brought to tears. I have such a wonderful husband, and I know from conversations we've had before this address that he will be the kind of man to do all the things she described- he likely would have done them without there ever having been a conference address on how to be a father to a daughter- but it was nice to have some suggestions spelled out- those suggestions just made me love him even more and made me even more grateful to have him in my life.

Finally, a talk given towards the end of the last session of Conference was enlightening and brought me great peace. In this address, we were taught about the importance of prayer and the importance of understanding how prayer works. When we're out in the world in the busy hustle and bustle, its easy to forget who is the source of all the bounty, wealth and blessings we receive. Some important points were made about why we pray and why we need to pray more often, namely: God loves us, and what is important to us is important to Him. Just like any parent, if we don't approach him and tell him what we need, how can we expect to be blessed with it? We also need to remember that prayer requires action. We can't pray to do well on a test in school and expect to do well if we haven't been paying attention in class or even have attempted to study for it. We must be working with God to prove that what we want is important to us and worth our time- if its worth our time, it is worth His. Also- EVERYONE has the right to pray. The speaker said almost verbatim that thinking we are too spiritually gone to seek help from the Lord is like saying an ill man is too sick to seek help from a doctor.

So- as for all those worries I've had...well, I know that being a good mother is important to me. I know that I am doing all I can at this moment in time to help my little family be in a good financial situation. As I pray for guidance and help I know that there will be a loving God there to help me, lift me up, and point me in the right direction. Most importantly, I must remember that patience grows from long-suffering. Every trial and concern that weighs on my heart is an opportunity to grow stronger spiritually and to forge a closer relationship with God- the catch is that I have to remember to turn to Him.

I am so grateful for the spiritual feast I received this weekend. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who continues to speak to His servants today and to me. I know that as I work to be more Christ-like I will be blessed to grow closer to God and to be able to serve my friends, family and strangers in their times of need more completely and wholly.

If you read all of this- bless you- I know its probably a novel of gobbelty goop, and you may not have the same beliefs that I do. Let me say that my humble prayer for you and all of my friends, family, and associates is one of peace and clarity. I pray that everyone I meet will be able to find the answers they seek as they navigate through life, that they will be able to make good choices and be able to please themselves and God (if they believe in Him). We are so infinitely blessed. We have families and friends to surround us in times of struggle and we need to remember to call upon them. We also have a loving God- our father- who willingly waits to listen to our prayers and help us solve the problems of life and overcome obstacles and trials. We also have the ultimate big brother in Jesus Christ- who loved us so much that he chose to be our Savior and Redeemer. He paid the price of our sins so that we wouldn't have to. He also worked and continues to work to help make up the deficit when we fall short in our lives. Call upon Him and our Father in Heaven for help. While you may not see the blessings immediately, I can promise you that there will be peace, I can promise there will be love and the answers will come.

The Tabernacle Choir sang one of my favorite songs today. It is based off of a scriptural passage from the New Testament (I think Matthew) Christ addresses a multitude and shares with them the secret to having continued faith through struggles. I will leave you with those words:

Consider the lillies of the field, how they grow?
Consider the birds in the sky, how they fly?
He clothes the lilies of the field, he feeds the birds in the sky
and he will feed those who trust Him
and guide them with His eye.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Awestruck

2011-09-20T11:30:00.003-06:00

Well, we're in the home stretch. Our baby girl will be here in about 7 weeks (we hope- but on the flipside I'd rather have her bake as long as she needs to, to be healthy).

I've been spending a lot of time trying to get the house ready (and by the house, I mean my parents' house as they have been kind enough to let us crash here to save money while Jeff is in his last semester) and I have been finding myself feeling more and more like a beached whale.

Its so funny how the world around us changes. I have had so many friends deliver babies this summer and I have a few that are due right before me and right after me- its been interesting to see Facebook light up with pregnancy related statuses and to see what's ahead of me at different stages, and to remember what I've been through. It seems like the whole world is pregnant right now...

As my beached whale feelings have started to surface, I've been looking to my friends that have just recently had babies and seeing where they are physically, mentally and emotionally. Many of them lament the loss of the body they had before baby. Many of them, to me, look amazing for having had a baby as recently as they did, but when you complement them on it they graciously thank you, but add that they still have a lot of work to do...

I have been hoping that this beached whale feeling would go away, but I fear it may last a little longer than I would like. As these fears have surfaced, I had been finding myself wishing I hadn't eaten this or that, wishing I hadn't gained as much weight as I have ( 34 pounds so far, and I'm sure I will gain more) and dreading what is to come for me personally.

My weight has always been a struggle. It wasn't until I was diagnosed as insulin resistant in 2003 that the light finally turned on and I realized how I could eat like a bird and still be overweight. The funny thing is, I'm not even as heavy right now as I was when I was first diagnosed back in the day. I struggle because I know what a hard long journey it was before baby to get the body that I had and I fear the struggle that may come after she gets here.

Amidst all this self-loathing I was completely awestruck one day by the miracle it was to feel this little girl moving around inside my belly. Lately, I've been finding myself really enamored with my body and the miraculous things that it is doing right now- and in a weird way, in spite of the beached whale feelings I've been having, in spite of the recent pictures people have taken where I feel like I look like I have 4 chins (seriously- I don't see them when I look in the mirror, but when I take a picture its like they materialize!)- I am finding this strange sense of comfort.

Let's break this down...

Point #1: 33 weeks ago my genetic material happened to be in the right place and fused with Jeff's...immediately cells, microscopic but full of life, began to divide into a mass of random tissues...from this mass of random tissues somehow a baby has managed to form- if I really sit and think about it my mind is officially blown. I know some of you darlings don't believe in God, and that is okay- but please don't be offended when I say that when I sit and think about the miracle that is the creation of life I can't help but think of what a genius He must be. This process of dividing and growing is so intricately designed, I can't help but have my testimony strengthened that God does exist. How blessed am I as a woman to be able to experience the growth of life first hand? It boggles my mind to think of everything that goes into the formation of a healthy embryo, then fetus into what will eventually be a baby. How blessed are we to have order in nature?

Point #2: At the beginning of this 33 weeks, my body inherently knew what to do to protect the healthy mass of dividing tissue that would be my baby. My body naturally did what it needed to do to make sure that this mass was not only protected, but nourished. Did you know that when you're first pregnant your blood volume increases at least 50% in order to cater to the growing baby. Without this extra blood supply, a baby cannot grow or thrive. My blood has for 33 weeks been nourishing my baby. Not only that- my blood has for 33 weeks been her source of oxygen...I didn't tell my body to do that- isn't it amazing what our bodies do without us even asking?

Point #3: You body creates and releases special hormones to aid in delivery starting at the second trimester and continues to do so until birth. This hormone, known as Relaxin, is created and distributed throughout the joints of an expectant mother allowing for her to stretch further. It literally, as the name suggests, relaxes her joints so that her bones can spread to make room for a growing baby and so her pelvic bones can spread during delivery...My body is doing ALL of this right now...while I live my life, while I clean, while I shop, while I teach...without me even feeling aware of it...

Point #4: While I've been carrying this baby, my body has been preparing to be able to nourish her even after she is born. My body will produce food for my baby- I will be able to continue to protect her by sharing my antibodies through that nourishment during the first few weeks of her life, and after that my caloric intake will provide the calories she will need to continue to grow and be strong outside the safety of my womb...wrap your mind around that for a minute- without me even telling it, my body knows how to do this- and thank heavens my body knows how to do it- I wouldn't even know where to begin...I think we women folk are all lucky that we don't have to think about how that is even accomplished and have to tell our bodies to do it step by step...I may be a good multi-tasker, but I don't think I'm that amazing!

So...in short...I find myself wondering- what is the use for mourning for the body that I had before my baby took it over (brain and all) I should be celebrating my body that IS...its pretty remarkable and amazing. While I know that all of these realizations and thoughts that are boggling and blowing my mind aren't going to help me lose weight to look the way that the fashion magazines tell me I should look, I also know that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Here is to feeling like a beached whale! That beached whale feeling is accompanying a process that is pretty darn amazing. No- I may not be my pre-pregnancy size 4, but no matter what size of jeans I end up in I know 2 truths:

1- I want to celebrate my body for the miracles it has performed during this time
2- As long as I do what I know I need to do to be healthy everything will work out.

I can add a truth #3- something my husband reminds me of every day...I am beautiful (and Jeff wouldn't tell me that I am if he didn't mean it.)

So, this is for all my friends who are struggling after the birth of their baby, for all those who are currently joining me in the beached whale phase, for all of those who are struggling dealing with the movement from regular jeans to maternity clothes, and for all those who are barfing up every meal- It may be hard to see, and believe me, I'm not perfect at it yet (remember I have 4 amazing disappearing chins...) let's celebrate our bodies. Let's love what they do for us every day without us even having to think about it.

Perhaps this is a lesson for all of us darlings- you may not have the body you want. It may not be cooperating with you so that you can accomplish some ultimate goal ... our bodies are pretty amazing. We should remember to love ourselves a little more and worry a little less about what Anna Wintour tells us we should be. I think, more than anything, I have decided that I want to test a new theory...

are you ready?

Love your body and it will love you back.

Try it on for size darlings, let me know how it works out for you- I will definitely keep you posted on how testing this theory works for me.

Hugs and loves until next time.

Life's a Funny Proposition After All

2011-09-15T11:51:00.004-06:00

Its so funny to think how quickly life changes. I have been sitting here reminiscing and it baffles me. When people used to tell me that life changes quickly I used to get really frustrated with them and think-"Maybe for you..." At this time last year, I had been dating Jeff for a few weeks. Things seemed to be going well, if you would have told me on this day last year that Jeff was going to be proposing to me in exactly a week I would have laughed at you and told you that you were taking crazy pills. Jeff had me fully convinced that he wasn't looking to get married anytime soon, and as far as I was concerned, I was over the hill- a factory reject- and that I was never going to know what it was like to be married because nobody would want me. If you would have also said,

"Not only are you getting engaged next week- but by this time next year you will be having a baby."

I likely would have called State Hospital South in Blackfoot to see if they were missing a patient.

I think I've come to a conclusion- when we are willing to be content with life the way that it is and accept it for all its beauties, and intricacies- when we stop thinking "woe is me" as we wish for what others around us have- that is when life changes so quickly.

Is it God? Maybe- atleast in my case I believe it was. I believe that I had a major lesson to learn in patience, I also believe that I had to learn to love myself and my life for what it was instead of continuing to wish that I fit into a mold that other people created for me. I needed to accept myself and finally allow myself to believe that maybe- just maybe- I could be enough for me and the rest would work itself out.

I looked at the calendar today and realized I was a week away from the 1 year anniversary of my engagement and I thought, "Maybe I should plan something sneaky." But then, I realized the irony of life...

I got engaged when I should have been in my evening class. Instead I decided to take a walk with Jeff, he proposed, and we ended up driving to Idaho Falls to announce it to my family...

Here's the ironic part- on the 1 year anniversary of our engagement next week JEFF is the one who has a night class...and as its his last semester I don't think I could dream up a scheme that would get him to skip it (well I could...but it would likely involve me faking labor pains and freaking him out and I'm not that cruel...LOL)

I am so abundantly blessed. I have an amazing family...they are infuriating at times and confusing- but they're mine, and I love them and I have this amazing, amazing man who has swooped in and changed everything.

As I'm sitting here reminiscing a song comes to mind...a song I sang at my last recital at UM. Its an old, old Broadway classic that is more often performed now as a jazz standard. The major gist of the song is that life is crazy and everyone worries so much about stupid stuff that really doesn't matter. The last line of the song says "battles exciting and fates we're fighting until the curtain falls, Life's a very funny proposition after all." What if we all stopped worrying so much about what we don't have yet and focus on what we do have? What if we all could look at our life and instead of fighting battles, we decided to celebrate and embrace what is yet to come.

there is another line in the song that says, "today may be a day of smiles, tomorrow's still in doubt and what brings me joy may bring you care and woe." this is deep- well to me it is, since I didn't really get it until now- every situation in life is what you make it. You choose how to act and react. It often used to amaze me that people could take the horrible hands they've been dealt in the game of life and turn them into something positive...I've watched people lose loved ones and instead of thinking, "woe is me" they focus on the positive aspects of the loss- they move along and instead of trying to make sense of things they can't make sense of- they try to make lemons out of lemonade.

I spent a lot of time in my early 20's with a whole bunch of lemons- don't get me wrong, I was always trying to be positive- but I let myself get bogged down and because of that I wonder how many of the quick changes that life brings totally went over my head.

Life is a funny proposition- its funny if you haven't figured out that you are the captain of your ship and you decide where you're going.

My life changed course quickly as soon as I realized that- and I couldn't picture it any other way.

A year ago today my life was one week away from major upheaval and change and I wasn't even aware of it. I was just working to get through school and try to do what I believed I needed to do to make my life as happy and fulfilled as possible with my given circumstances...

Once I was willing to steer my life and stop waiting to be given a handout I steered myself right into the blessings I had been waiting for.

Thank God for life and all its craziness. Thank God for the wonderful experiences I've had. Thank God for the crazy twists and turns that are still yet to come- and most of all Thank God for the people I get to share those crazy twists and turns with.

If you're having a hard time darlings- please have faith. Know that you are loved and being looked out for. Know that you don't ever have to be alone. Make the choice to embrace the beautiful parts of your life and do your best to overlook the bad- a negative experience can always be turned into a positive change.

Thank you Jeffry Nielson for asking me to marry you. We aren't quite to the 1 year anniversary of that day yet, but as I sit here I think of how blessed I am because you made that decision and to be honest, I couldn't picture my life any other way. You make it beautiful, wonderful, and exciting.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Preschool Update

2011-09-08T13:22:00.005-06:00

It occurred to me that I have a few friends who read my blog that are currently doing homeschool preschool with their kids. I thought I'd give you all a bit of an update for what I've been up to with my niece.

We just finished a unit on health and the body (some of you may remember that we did a lifesize drawing of Raylee that she got to color) we learned about washing our hands, staying germ free, how to cover our mouths when we sneeze and cough, and we learned about healthy eating.

I capped it off today by reading "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Suess. After the book was read, we talked about the moral of the story. The guy that says he doesn't like green eggs and ham had actually never tried them. We came to the conclusion that when our mommies and daddies try to get us to try something new, we should because we just might like it- just like the character liked green eggs and ham in the end. Normally we start preschool after lunch, but today I had her come at her regular lunchtime because after we read the book, we made green eggs and ham for lunch. Here is the recipe we used if you're interested in trying:

2 eggs
2 drops food color
1 tsp milk
onion powder, salt and pepper to taste
2 slices deli ham diced

crack the eggs, put the food color, onion powder, salt and pepper in with the eggs and scramble. Add the eggs to a greased pan to scramble as usual. Sprinkle the ham over the top and stir until they are cooked.

I wish you could have seen the look on Raylee's face as the eggs turned green. It was a mix of shock and exhilaration that no one can really describe.

I took a bite, but once they were done she ate the whole bowl by herself and I ended up eating some Ramen noodles.

We also decided to try a new food- apricot fruit leather. She didn't really like it, but we talked about how good it was that she was brave enough to try it without complaining. She was tickled pink with herself!

We've been learning letter sounds as we've been learning letters. I found some worksheets at www.education.com that were a fantastic way to introduce using the sounds to read words. Raylee read her first words today! I was so thrilled. She even innately knew the sounds of letters we hadn't covered yet. We would go through each letter of the word individually and figure out what sound it made, then put them together. All by herself, without any help, Raylee read the words: Eel, Clam, Can, Am, At, And, Cat, and a few more. I was really floored when she read the word Clam. We got to it and I was expecting to have to help her but she had it sounded out and read before I knew what to do. :)

We've also been discussing how we use shapes to draw different pictures. Here is the result of one of our shape drawing sessions:

Its been awesome to see the changes in her drawings since this. She seems to love to draw stuff for everyone these days, all because she loves figuring out what shapes to use to make what she wants to make.

I took this "shape drawing" idea to the next level and we used the capital letters that we've worked on so far to make drawings yesterday. Raylee came up with some very interesting ideas, like making a lion out of the letter E...

If I don't have a doctor's appointment tomorrow we will likely end up doing the same thing with our lower case letters that we've worked on so far. Its the perfect blend between working on our penmanship and using critical thinking to be artistic and create something new.

Yesterday we also learned the song Baa Baa Black Sheep to go along with our continuing discussion about the number 3. I drew a big picture of a sheep with three bags next to it and then had Raylee trace the numbers 1 2 and 3. Then as an arts and crafts project we used paper curls to give Baa Baa Black Sheep black wool.

Today we started our weather/seasons/times of year unit. I suspect this will take a while. I intend to teach Raylee about the seasons (obviously) what weather you can find in the seasons, what holidays are in what seasons, and then we will start to learn about calendars and the months/days of the year. We had a special guest for part of our preschool today- my niece Addie, fresh home from Kindergarten. She came along with us for a walk. During the walk we talked about how you can use the trees to find out which of the 4 seasons you're in. The girls cleverly announced that we were in summer, then I pointed out the red and yellow leaves that were peeking out at the tops of the trees. They squealed with excitement when they realized that winter was after fall and that means that Christmas is on its way. When we came back from the walk, we all made a special craft to show what we had learned about the trees during each season. Here is what it was supposed to look like:
I didn't get pictures of the girls' finished products, but let's just say they got ahead of me and started putting leaves on all the trees that we made...I plan on using mine for a weather lesson next week. We are going to talk about how the weather is during each of the seasons and what kinds of clothes we wear. I will have some paper doll cut outs with clothes that correspond to each of the seasons. She will dress the doll up by gluing the clothes to it and then we will put it in the picture next to the tree.

I need to find a wall in our "preschool space" where I can put up a calendar soon. Once we get to learning about calendars, we will showcase the day's date and what the weather is like outside in some way. I have a few ideas, I just need to decide which one I am going to go with.

We also had some cheese crackers for snack time and worked on reinforcing our addition today. Raylee doesn't know how to write all the numbers yet, but she is a star counter! Its been really easy to give her simple math problems using little pieces of candy or toys to count. Today, with her handful of cheese crackers, we put together groups of crackers in different numbers and then I showed her the math problem (i .e. 5+3=) she counted the crackers and came up with the answer. She already has some of them memorized. Its been fun to call out, "Hey Raylee, what's 1+1?" and have her shout back "2!" with a lot of excitement.

Here is a little view at what our classroom is starting to look like. I've been having a lot of fun drawing pictures and cutting them out to showcase the number and letter symbols. They have come in handy. Sometimes Raylee can't recall off the top of her head what a number or letter is supposed to look like when I quiz her. All I have to do is point at the number or letter wall and when she looks at it, she instantly remembers what she should be drawing.

We also have a small alphabet chart that is a color sheet. As she masters a letter, we color it in so she can see how far she has come. You can kind of see it in the corner of this picture of our alphabet wall. I haven't had time to let her color the last few letters in that we've learned yet, I should probably do that tomorrow- she would love it. She is very proud of her alphabet chart. When her penmanship is really good (because even if we've mastered it, we keep reviewing) and I praise her she always points at the chart and says, "Of course its good! I'm a letter master!"

Here is a picture of our current behavior system. Its a game. She starts out the day getting 3 rolls of the dice if she is good all day- if she starts to misbehave she goes down to 2, then 1- if she gets to no rolls of the dice then she has to start having a time out (we haven't had to use time out yet) At the end of the day, she rolls the dice to see if she can get to the end of the game board (great for our counting practice as she moves the game pieces) If she gets to the end of the game board, she gets a treat. If not, her piece stays where it was last left after her rolls and she can try again tomorrow, with the option of using a second game piece to double the amount of treats she gets for being good. Since I've started using this, I can honestly say she's only been down to 2 rolls once, and has made it to 3 rolls by the end of the day every day since then. She loves that she gets a special treat if she is lucky enough to roll the right number and she knows that the more rolls she gets, the more likely she is to get a treat.

Attached to the bottom is a game we use for our free time. In the baggies are cutouts of different pictures that can be used to make faces. If we have spare time at the end of the day, we draw the shape of head that she wants to have and then she gets to glue together a silly face. She loves it!

In short, we've been very busy and having a lot of fun. She LOVES learning and gets really excited when she knows something that her friends at church or cousins don't know because of our special preschool. I have been super blessed to have this opportunity- that is for sure!

Hugs and fun until next time darlings!

Finding My Inner Pioneer Woman

2011-09-05T16:40:00.002-06:00

As baby time approacheth, I don't really find myself nesting...

Don't get me wrong, I want things to be clean just like I always do...but what I have been finding is a much deeper urge.

I have been really thinking lately about being self-sufficient. I think most of this urge comes from the fact that I am opting to try to have a natural labor (I'll let you all know how it goes, of course- though I totally reserve my right to wimp out and have an epidural...) My saying has been- If a pioneer woman could do it, why can't I?

This has become my motto lately. It started with teaching myself to crochet- which has now become a little business venture but has become much, much more.

I've always been someone who wants to know how to do things myself. The summer between high school and college, I taught myself how to can using a water bath (I still want to venture into the land of the pressure cooker), when I was little I helped my mom looked for recipes for our food dehydrators, after learning basic stitches from my grandmother and mother, I taught myself how to sew and follow a pattern, I learned cooking basics from my dad before he passed away (because he was our in house chef most of the time) and I taught myself the rest from there.

I think our world today is getting so obsessed with ease, comfort, and speed that we are forgetting some very VERY important skills. When I got to college, I was shocked how many of my roommates couldn't cook without a box of packaged ingredients...

Jeff and I find ourselves talking a lot about being self-sufficient and teaching our kids those skills as they grow. Our latest discussion has been our dream to have a house with a huge garden so that I can use a pressure cooker and water bath and can enough vegetables and fruits to get us through the winter without having to buy a single canned good from the grocery store. We also have talked a lot about how we want to be in a position where, even if we don't have a lot, we can share with those that are less fortunate. Jeff even mentioned the idea of using a chunk of whatever land we end up having as a ward garden- a place for our brothers and sisters that don't have the possibility of having a garden on their own place to have an opportunity to grow something of their very own...I have even told Jeff that I would like to can food and ask the bishop who could use it most, and if the bishop isn't comfortable sharing, dropping it off to him so that he can share the bounty...we want our kids to know how to cook, how to fix things, how to sew- we want them to have skills that are quickly being lost as we live in a world where everything is done for us in advance.

Its funny that I've been feeling this urge and Jeff and I have been talking about this so much lately, because on Sunday our Relief Society lesson was on being self sufficient and independent. I wish I knew what talk it came from- I know it was an address Elder Packer gave a few years ago at a Stake Conference. He mentioned that the youth of the church needed to focus on being prepared, that they needed to be ready to do without luxuries that they had come to expect, and that they needed to know how to do things that they never thought they would have to do... this only added to my sense of urgency- I need to make sure that this child that I am carrying now and every child we bring into our home has the skills to run a household without modern conveniences.

Its so funny to think how lazy people are these days- I'm guilty of it too...but I am trying to get better. I've been learning how to make clothing using a crochet hook and yarn, I am practicing my pattern reading skills in order to make baby slings, car seat covers, stuffed animals...the list goes on.

We need to make an effort to stop being so lazy. In these tough economic times we need the skills to do things without the aid of a machine more than ever. All I can say my friends is that I will help you where I can, and I hope that you can help me. We need to remember that our greatest resources are each other. We need to not be afraid to ask for help, or to ask to learn a new old fashioned skill that we thought we'd never need.

Yesterday I made a roasted chicken for dinner- today I used the bones and leftover meat to make chicken noodle soup with homemade noodles. Homemade noodles are SOOOOO easy. I've been making them with my mom since I was a kid. In an effort to share, here is the recipe:

2 cups flour
3 egg yolks
1 whole egg
2 tsp salt
1/4-1/2 c water

Put the flour in a bowl, sprinkle with the salt, then make a well. Add all the eggs into the well and start to mix until crumbly, then add the water until all the ingredients join together in a dough. Roll out the dough onto a floured surface as thin as you can possibly get it (I always find it easiest to split the dough into 3 different balls and then roll those out individually) Cut the rolled dough into long strips and add it directly to your soup. You can allow the noodles to dry and save them in an airtight container to boil later, but we always just find it easiest (and tastiest) to add them directly to water and use them right away. I suppose if you had a pasta press this would be much easier, but let's face it- what if we are faced with no electricity one day? Its a scary thought, but sadly, it isn't that far fetched.

I'm not trying to depress anyone, I'm not wearing a sandwich board that says "THE END IS NEAR" but what I am saying is that it doesn't hurt to be prepared. Take it from someone who knows, you never know when these random skills you may acquire could come in handy. I have used the skills I've acquired in so many ways its seriously funny. It definitely doesn't hurt to be prepared! :)

Hugs and Wishing you Self Sufficiency Darlings!

My Mr. Nielson

2011-09-01T09:56:00.003-06:00

This will be a short post-

Today I have been thinking a lot about something my husband said the other day...

I was getting ready for the day, finishing my makeup and he came into the bathroom and just stared...

I asked him what was wrong, assuming that he was sad I'd put on makeup (he prefers me without, I prefer me with...what's a girl to do?)

He just stared, smiled and said, "I just can't believe that you once thought you were a factory reject."

I wanted to cry- but instead I kissed him-gave him a big, fat, wet smooch...

When I miss him like I'm missing him right now, its nice to have those moments to think about. I love him so much and I am so blessed that he loves me...

Its amazing what having an amazing husband can do for your self-esteem...

You're right Jeffry- I can't believe I ever believed I was a factory reject either...because you've loved me so well that I can't remember what it was like to feel that way.

Just one question for you, my dear Mr. Nielson, MY Mr. Nielson- is forever okay with you? because its certainly okay with me.

Hugs and wishing for your happily ever afters!

I wonder...

2011-08-30T16:57:00.002-06:00

As I sit here and feel McMonkey McBean trying to fight for room in my belly, I find myself getting very sentimental and thinking about so many "what if" scenarios...

I want so much for her. There is so much that I'm nervous about and at the same time, there is this weird calm that accompanies the nerves. I already love her so much- it just seems so odd to me- this idea of loving someone that isn't even officially on this earth yet. I'm so scared for her. The world she is going to grow up in is so different from the one that I grew up in. I sit here and I wonder if I will be able to guide her through the challenges and struggles that life here will bring, I get really nervous, and then I relax because part of me knows that everything will be okay.

I remind myself about agency- She will have hers. Hopefully, I will be able to teach her the lessons she needs to use it wisely.

I remind myself about my amazing husband. We (her and me) are so lucky to have him in our lives. Jeff is really a steadying, and calming presence. If anything, I know that he will be able to come up with the answers when I don't have them. I know he will support me in my decisions and I know that I can trust and support his decisions 100%. It scares me to think about what life would be like if I ever lost him. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being. When Jeff is around, I just know that everything is going to be okay.

I remind myself about the Atonement. I remember that when you've done all that you can, our Savior makes up the difference. That is a very comforting thought as well. I know that as long as Jeff and I are working together to make decisions to raise our daughter, and we are doing all that we can- somehow we will always be able to make it- somehow we will always find the answers- somehow we will always be able to save her from the world when it gets scary.

I think about her- I think about what a special spirit she is...every spirit, every baby is special. They are all special because they are children of God, he is trusting us to help them navigate through this mortal existence. This can be overwhelming at times, but then I remember the first primary song that my mom taught me- I Am a Child of God, and I realize that I am special too...I realize that he wouldn't leave me alone to do this. He will be watching, He will keep us from screwing up too badly as long as we remember our temple covenants.

I think of the temple, I think of how lucky I am to have been married there to the best guy on the planet (I'm sure some of you want to debate that with me...but I still say he's the best). I think of the reassuring fact that God is an active participant in our marriage through the covenants we made there- as long as we remember to turn to him we are guaranteed to have the help we need to weather any storm. I realize how lucky I am to have this little baby girl that is currently bruising my ribs as a member of my family for all eternity.

I read several blogs by women who have lost children. It scares me. What would I do if I lost her? How would I handle it if she left this world all too soon? But then, my mind goes back to the temple and the covenants we made there. I realize that yes, there would be pain- almost unbearable pain- but with God's help you can bear anything. With my husband at my side I can do anything. I still pray that this will never be a part of our reality, but like I said I am pondering quite a few "what ifs" as I think about how much I love this little person that I've yet to meet...

All I can say is I feel so incredibly blessed in spite of all the stresses and nerves. Every nervous thought leads me to a comforting one...thoughts about all the blessings I have in my life...thoughts about my relationship with God, my Heavenly Father, and how much he loves me.

We're 10 1/2 weeks away from meeting our little girl. While there is that innate fear of the unknown, there is a peace. Yes, I'm terrified that we will have everything that we need...but I also have this strange sense of peace as I realize that as long as we're paying our tithing, as long as we remember that what bounty we do receive comes from a loving God, all of our needs and hers will be met.

I know not all of you have the same beliefs about God or life that I do...However, my prayer for you is that when you find yourself thinking about all the "what if's", you can find a sense of peace. I know you will find the answers you seek if you are truly ready to receive them. I know that God loves you... I know he watches out for you. He can't stop all the hurt from coming into our lives because he can't control the agency of others, and like any good parent, he has to let us experience the consequences of the ways that we exercise our agency...but He is always there and He will always try to help us.

Look for the blessings in your life and you will find that you have so much more than you think you do. You may not have a million dollars in the bank or a big enough paycheck to get everything the world tells you that you should want, but you always have what you need...and if you find that you don't- you will find a way if you are willing to ask for help.

Its as simple as that.

Hugs and loves darlings.

Back to School Brittanyboo

2011-08-29T14:04:00.003-06:00

Well,

Things have been crazy around here- in some good ways and in some bad ways-

Jeff started into school again on Monday...he also finally went to see a doctor about some issues he'd been having with his stomach. Unfortunately, he found out he has a bacteria in his stomach that is causing him to be sick...fortunately, its treatable...the downside- the medications that they put him on to treat it will make him more sick that he was originally feeling for a little while until stuff balances itself out.

So, poor Jeff has been dealing the best way he can with nausea and hunger pangs and not knowing which to go with (to eat or not to eat- that has been his question...)

He was feeling so icky by Friday that he finally gave in and stayed home from school (probably not the best scenario for the first week, but he definitely needed the rest.) We are very blessed that he has some good friends in his class that were willing to help him out. One friend records all the lectures on video and another one copied the videos and brought them here for Jeff so he wouldn't miss out on lecture. He has a test on Tuesday, so he gets to spend some time studying tonight. He decided he will likely get copies of all the lectures from a friend and listen to them on the way to and from school (the 45 minute commute can get pretty tedious. I'm glad he's finding productive things to do early on.)

I spent the weekend working on my first commission....did I tell you I started a business? I did! I make crocheted cuteness for people of all ages, and pretty soon I will start posting pictures of my jewelery and hairbows too. You can read all about it on my store blog Brittanyboo Designs (see, I'm even all fancy with the link....LOL) Pictures of my very first commission can be seen on Facebook, and I'm even fancy enough to have a Facebook page devoted to my cuties- you can view that here. (if you have problems viewing the links just look up Brittanyboo Designs on Facebook)

Anywhoo...

I also start into a full week of teaching voice. I have 6 1/2 students (I say half because I have one student who only wants to take 2 lessons a month.) I'm hoping to pin down some more- which reminds me, I need to update my flier and get it into the hands of the choir teachers around here. I also know I need to post myself as a teacher at Chesbro's...My goal is to have atleast 10. We will have enough money to pay bills with the money I'm currently going to be making, but I will feel a lot better if I can get a few more students to fill out my schedule.

How am I going to teach voice with a baby you may be asking? Well, I've been doing it so far with trial lessons...I figure that once Miss McMonkey McBean gets here I will take off the 2-3 weeks recommended so that her immunity can be where it needs to be, and make sure parents and students alike know that if they are sick and not on antibiotics it will be best to cancel their lesson for the day. I'm also hoping that I can see in that 2-3 weeks what kind of schedule she wants to be on- after I have that figured out, the plan is to shuffle students (if I have to ) to accommodate feeding schedules, changing schedules, etc.)

I know, any of you reading this that may have had a baby are probably laughing your heads off and thinking I'm crazy...and I probably am- but if you don't have a plan, what is there to change? Life is no fun if you aren't running around like a chicken with your head cut off, right?

As far as preschool is concerned,

We had a good day until Raylee fell off the table (she was being monkeylike in spite of my best efforts to tell her not to be). She cried for about 10 minutes insisting she wanted to go home, so she left about 30 minutes early...the funny thing is, after all her insisting that she wanted to go home, she cried because she wanted to stay and keep learning... some days you just can't win.

We learned about the food pyramid (or should I say food plate) today. We talked about what the suggested servings were of each thing on the plate and what types of foods fell into the categories (ie fruits, veggies, protein, grains, and dairy) She had a lot of fun learning it. We also learned about what the word "twin" means, and found matching things on various worksheets. We worked on our number 2's for a while and then for arts and crafts we made funny faces with some cutouts I found online and did a color by number worksheet (one of her most favorite things on the planet. She LOVES them. I help her see what color each number is supposed to be, she finds the numbers and colors the sections appropriately.) We were going to work some more on our handwriting and then we were going to make a pie for dinner tonight- but alas, things were cut short.

I have to say that once my baby gets here I am worried about missing this time with Raylee. Its fun to be able to devote my undivided attention to her. I can see in her smile how much she values and cherishes the time we spend together. I know she feels pretty special knowing that she is my only student and I am her teacher. Yes, it does take a lot of patience some days, but I am learning so much from her. I often wonder what my baby will be like when she gets to Raylee's age. All I can say is, I hope she is just as smart and wonderful. Raylee loves to learn, she struggles because she wants to know everything right now, and she wants to be perfect the first time- but slowly she is learning to be patient. Its so cute to watch her start to get frustrated, then she takes a deep breath, and in her cute little voice she says, "Its okay, right Aunt B.? We don't have to be perfect right away. That's why we practice." She says it exactly like that every time...its her new mantra (although I'm sure she has no idea what a mantra is.)

Well, time marches on, and I am supposed to be making a pie for dinner tonight at my little sister's house...I should scoot and get on that.

Cherishing every moment!

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

THE DRAGONS ARE COMING!!!-Be calm....

2011-08-25T16:08:00.004-06:00

My older sister had a hair appointment this afternoon and I agreed to watch her kids. I decided that it would be a perfect opportunity to have my younger sister's oldest over to play with them. They all love eachother and love to play together, so I figured if they were playing with eachother they would be keeping each other occupied and they would have an awesome afternoon.

We started our afternoon practicing a song that my older sister's kids are singing for church this Sunday. We probably worked on that for 20-30 minutes, but I could tell I was losing them. My theory is (and I believe many pedagogues would agree with me) there comes a point when you practice where you will make things worse as opposed to better-especially if you can't focus- so I opted to let them try one more time and be done so that wouldn't happen.

Raylee (my little sister's oldest) got here as we were finishing up. We sang it one more time for her benefit because she was feeling left out (and at the age of 4, there is nothing worse in the world than being left out!)

Next, we had a story time. I read a few Shel Silverstein poems from "Where the Sidewalk Ends" and then I gave them giant sheets of paper to draw a picture based on their favorite poems. We ended up with some interesting stories and ideas about the poems, but when the kids involved are ages 9, 7, 5, and 4 that is to be expected. They got a kick out of the poem "sick" and the "Ickle Me Pickle Me Tickle Me Too". I think the best part of drawing the pictures (aside from the stories the kids told) was a time when Macee got frustrated and wanted to stop drawing. Raylee starting chanting "Don't give up!" over and over- Austin and Addie joined her- they chanted for a good two minutes, until it got really loud and we had to ask them to stop...but it was priceless.

After we finished sharing pictures, grandma got them all a snack and Austin sat with grandma at the table talking and drawing some more while Macee, Addie, and Raylee all decided to start playing "movie". It was funny to listen to Macee direct and tell the younger girls what to say...I must have heard the line "THE DRAGONS ARE COMING- BE CALM" about a million times, with a million different voices and voice inflections until Macee thought it was just right. I then witnessed the three of them walking out of the hallway all carrying purses and walking "like princesses"...they were swinging their hips and their wrists and hands were placed delicately in the air...I had to giggle a bit.

They decided they needed more room to play, so they went outside. And this is how I found them.

They said they were looking at the cloud people and trying to learn their language....

I love kids-anything is possible- its a beautiful thing.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

28 weeks and Homemade Finger Paints

2011-08-24T16:06:00.006-06:00

Well, after the fear that they were lost to the nether regions that all digital files go to when they are deleted, I was able to save the pictures taken on Jeff's camera (or I should say Jeff was able to save the pictures...apparently I didn't have the memory card pushed in all the way when I thought I did...) So I had some fun trying to photoshop last night and building a new scrapbook page. All I can say is I felt HORRIBLE! I haven't built a new scrapbook page since 18 weeks- that is 10 weeks without a picture or a journal entry... I then remembered that I am going to build a page to put all the ultrasound pics that we got at 20 weeks on, so I didn't feel so bad after that...

So...here you go- just so you can say you've seen me at 28 weeks....(trumpet fanfare) the 28 weeks scrapbook page!!!!!I had my 28 week checkup today (even though I will very shortly be 29 weeks...) I got to have the lovely glucose test, which I managed to pass...for future reference (since I had lots of friends that failed theirs...) apparently you're supposed to fast for it for at least 1 hour before your appointment- I fasted for a little over 3 hours before mine (I ate breakfast at 7 and my appointment was at 10:45) My sugars were on the higher end of normal, but normal. My midwife seems to think my last weight gain was a fluke, especially considering that I only gained 2 pounds between this appointment and the last. Everything else is normal as well, measurements are good, and Miss McMonkey McBean is starting to enjoy a head down position.

I had been having some kind of new pain for the last few days at night. It almost felt like it might be contractions, so I was getting pretty freaked out. I will wake up with pains that are steady every 5 minutes or so for an hour or 45 minutes and then they magically disappear. Susan explained that they aren't contractions per se....they are spasms of the uterus because I am dehydrated...so I have called upon the help of my sister the nurse to get my hands on one of those hospital water mug/jug things (since she has a few floating around her house) and I will be doing my very best to make sure that I am drink, drink, drinking water all day long. My midwife also suggested trying to drink a glass of gatorade every day to keep the electrolytes up.

I definitely learned a lot at this appointment. I guess I already need to pick my pediatrician...I thought that came later- but Susan is on top of things!

I was also surprised when Susan announced that my appointments will now be every 2 weeks instead of every 4- I thought that happened at 32 weeks, so it was a pleasant surprise. I won't complain about being able to hear Miss McMonkey's heartbeat every other week at all!!!

While I wait for McMonkey McBean's arrival I have been keeping myself busy crocheting. My new blog, etsy shop and facebook fan page for Brittanyboo Designs should be opening shortly so I can share the love with everyone. I've been making some really cute stuff. Right now, I'm just limited by how much yarn I have and what colors- which has been frustrating at times, but I've still managed to put some really fun things together that I will hopefully be able to sell shortly to make a little extra cash for our household.

I also have 6 confirmed voice students (I'm hoping that number will get to 10 or 15 hint hint...) Its been way fun to pick out rep again and have a schedule for the day. Its been weird for me not being in school this semester...

Speaking of school...Raylee is LOVING preschool. It can be exhausting some days, but I am having a lot of fun too, and I am learning a lot about homeschooling in the process. The other day Raylee and I learned about the primary colors and how you use them to make all the colors of the rainbow. The next day, we reviewed the primary colors, we learned a song about the colors of the rainbow and we made homemade finger paints!!! (no cooking required, I found a lot of recipes that required cooking them, but I wanted Raylee to be able to help, and I wanted her to have some instant gratification.) I came up with my own recipe by combining 2 or 3 that I found on the net for no cook finger paints and it came out really well.

You will need:

Food color
1/2 c. white flour
1/4 c. corn starch
1 c. water.

and a holder of some kind for your paint colors ( I used a portion of an egg carton)

Mix the flour, corn starch, and water in a bowl. If needed, slowly add more water to make the mixture smooth as opposed to goopy- it should be about the consistency of gravy.

In your egg carton or smaller paint holders, use food colors to mix your desired colors (we used a toothpick to stir the colors in our egg carton- it worked famously!) You may also want to think about a smock, large T-Shirt, or apron of some kind to cover your clothes. Once the food color is in the paint mix, it won't dye your fingers but before that it can. Because of this, I covered Raylee with an apron and she was allowed to stir the paints and tell me if she wanted more color in the mix, but she wasn't allowed to drop the color in (to save mess.)

Here she is holding up our finger paints! She was so excited. We will definitely have to do this as a fun project again sometime!

Here is Raylee showing off her art work. She finally got to the point where she would dip each finger in a different color and press them against the paper. I wish I'd had some paint brushes so she could use it to paint her hand....come to think of it...we may do this again for Thanksgiving and make a Thanksgiving Turkey using finger paints! LOVE IT!

The same day we did finger paints, we also learned about the letter C and how to draw it. We learned that C makes a [k] sound and the work cupcake...(like she needed to learn that word...I'm sure she already knew it, but now she knows what it looks like.) We made a Cupcake with C's on it...yes those are real sprinkles on the top. Raylee's new favorite thing is glue. I cut out the pieces for her, she glued them together and glued on the sprinkles. When it dried I had her write her letter C's on it. She is still very proud of her cupcake and points at it on our art wall every time she comes to preschool.

On Monday we started a new unit. We are learning about health and hygiene this week. I had gotten a package in the mail and inside the package was a very large sheet of brown paper. I decided it would be perfect for this unit. I had Raylee lay on the floor and we traced her body. She got to color herself any way she wanted. Its a life size Raylee ( If she was all the colors of the rainbow...LOL) Every time we learn something new about being clean and healthy we will have a new art project that we will glue to her body to remind her about what we've learned.

Raylee's colorful rendition of herself!

After we had her body hung up, we learned about washing your hands, why we do it, when we do it, and that we should sneeze and cough into the crook of our elbows. I demonstrated by covering my hands in flour, fake sneezing and saying the flour was like the bad germs that we can carry around sometimes. I shook her hand and covered it in flour, then I let her play with her scissors, which also became covered with flour. She got the message-it was so cute...she would fake sneeze like I did and say "Gee Aunt B. Why did you have to share your germs!?" I couldn't get enough. We did an art project where she got to cut out and assemble Mr. Soap (a print out I found online.) and then we glued Mr. Soap to the body. Tomorrow we are going to learn about bathing and how to wash ourselves properly in the bathtub. I'm thinking we will make and decorate a cut out of shampoo and conditioner and the stuff you need to take a bath to hang with her other hand.

We will also learn about the food pyramid and healthy eating. I'm thinking for that lesson I will have some new foods for her to try and some of her favorites. I'm going to find a kid's food pyramid worksheet to color and then we will glue that onto her belly. This week will be lots of fun!

So, I'm keeping busy (so I don't go insane) and I'm super excited about what is coming up. I'm almost down to the single digits as far as how much longer until baby gets here (I will be 11 weeks away tomorrow, then 10...its just going so fast!) It seems like I just barely found out I was pregnant...and very shortly, everything will change. The future is an exciting, beautiful thing! God is so good...he makes sure we get just what we need, and experience just what we need to when we're supposed to!

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Baby Shower Invitations

2011-08-23T12:33:00.004-06:00

Hey all-

Well, just wanted to spread the word about this:

If you didn't receive the facebook invite, let me know so you can be counted if you'd like to come. Honestly, I tried to invite people that lived close, but I was going cross-eyed by the time I was done going through my friends list. If I didn't invite you, it isn't because I don't love you. Its because we are either not friends on facebook, or the aforementioned cross-eyed-ness caused me to miss clicking on your name. If you think you can make it, and didn't get a facebook "official" invite, let me know so I can add you to the event guest list. My little sister is throwing it for me and doesn't have a million zillion dollars to send out hard copy invites via mail so we are trying to as much as we can digitally to save on postage.

If you're wondering, I was going to register places, but then I realized it was kind of a waste of time because few people actually use the registry. Jeff and I have purchased most of the big stuff. If you plan to bring a gift just know that we are in need of clothing (onesies, sleepers, outfits, you name it, we will take it!), diapers (size Newborn and 1), burp cloths, blankets...you know, the usual stuff. However, if you come, don't feel obligated to bring a gift. I know how gas prices are and if you are driving from outside of Idaho Falls, I would be honored by just your presence!

I love you all, and I am so grateful for my wonderful friends. I am feeling a little lonely these days, as Jeff is back in school, so it will be a nice break to just get together with friends and celebrate. I know that a few of "the husbands" will be throwing a party across the street (with kids) so if you want to make it a "family" event, the more the merrier is our motto. :)

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Vacation

2011-08-18T19:55:00.002-06:00

Okay...I'll admit it, I was horrible about remembering to grab the camera when we did stuff on our vacation, so unfortunately you'll just have to have the written play by play as opposed to the pictoral evidence.

To be honest, we didn't really do much of note other than bum around and while I'm sure you'd all love to look at pictures of us at the Boise mall or at my brother's house in Kuna... yeah...

We left for Boise on Saturday afternoon around 11, stopping first to cash in our change that we'd been saving in a jar in the coin star machine at Smiths in Idaho Falls. We had saved a whopping $15 (actually more than that since they take about 10 cents of every dollar out). We made our way after we used our newfound wealth to buy some snackage at the store.

A few weeks ago when I was doing a Sunday singing gig in Blackfoot we found out that they had built an A&W in Blackfoot, so we decided to stop there for lunch and enjoy some fresh draft root beer (because we didn't stop when we saw it in the first place- hey it was Sunday and we were already tempting fate by not being in our own ward...LOL) . Our only disappointment (and by ours I mean Jeff's) was that they don't serve curly fries like the one in Logan does...or fresh cut french fries like the one in Logan does- however the burgers were awesome and lived up to their pictures on the board, which is rare for a fast food restaurant. (When we left I promised Jeff we would make a special trip to the Logan A&W the next time we go to Preston so he can get his curly fries.)

The drive was long but exciting- considering that our car decided to stall going 75 on the freeway....we are testing a hydrogen cell that Jeff built to make our car into a water/gasoline hybrid- it does increase our gas mileage but Jeff needs to figure out how to avoid allowing the water that bubbles up with the newly made hydrogen into the air intake valve of the car- a fact that became painfully obvious at that moment...Fortunately, it wasn't the first time my car had done this- my parents graciously paid last summer to have the fuel pump replaced in my car because it was stalling like that and eventually wouldn't turn over at all. Since I knew what to do (having lived through it as a driver) I was able to talk Jeff through what we needed to do to get mobile again. I asked him not to turn the hydrogen cell back on, but he did...and we made it. Sadly, we couldn't test it on the way home because so much water had been sucked up that there wasn't enough left to produce hydrogen in the cell. Don't worry- Jeff was back at the drawing board today trying to spiff up his little device...LOL

We made it to Boise (well Meridian if you want to split hairs) and met Aaron and his entourage at Wahooz. We managed to eat some dinner at the cafe there and then kind of bummed around with Aaron and the crew for a while. We played a few arcade games, but we were tired and weren't much in the mood to stand around so we decided to excuse ourselves while they all went to eat a late dinner and went to a movie. We saw Cowboys and Aliens.

When Jeff and I had first seen the previews for this movie I said that it was either going to be really, really good or super duper cheesy...I have to say it did have a somewhat cheesy storyline; however, the special effects were stellar and I was reassured of the power of a really amazing actor being able to make gold out of what could have ended up iron pyrite...We were actually really impressed. I think we both agree, though, that we probably would have enjoyed the movie more if we'd gone when we weren't so tired that we were practically falling asleep during the previews (ha ha- true story).

Sunday came and we went to church with Aaron and Holly. McMonkey McBean wasn't really cooperating though and I spent most of sacrament out on the couch laying down so I could breathe. Jeff sat with me and rubbed my back and my feet(which were horribly swollen). We ended up leaving after sacrament, but had a lovely afternoon visiting with Aaron and Holly and playing board games.

On Monday we decided to trek out to the mall. I'd only ever been to the mall in Boise once, and that was a short trip with Aaron and Holly, so I didn't remember much about it other than the awesome Sweet's Candy store. We used the Tom Tom to get directions- however, the Tom Tom hasn't been updated with new maps for maybe a year- needless to say, we ended up slightly lost. The Tom Tom was trying to make us go somewhere in the same vicinity as the actual mall, but across the street. We ended up calling Holly for help and ended up finding out that we were only 2 or 3 blocks away. We made it with her expert instructions and ended up wasting most of the day bumming around.

We did manage to leave with a few souvenirs...we found a lovely white dress at the Baby Gap to complete our little one's blessing day outfit for $30 (Jeff ended up making up my mind for me to buy it. I kept going back and forth because I had every intention of making the skirt to go with the cardigan I already crocheted, but Jeff helped me realize that I can't make it until she gets here and he reminded me that maybe I wouldn't have to brain power, sleep, or patience to make it then.) He also made me buy a new dress for Sundays. Before this, I had a whopping 2 dresses that fit comfortably and 1 that I could squeeze into with some effort. I really didn't want to buy the dress because it was expensive ($50) but Jeff made me try it on and said, "You like it? Okay, we're getting it." I have to say I wanted to kiss him in the store when he half jokingly and half proudly announced to the store clerk that he was buying some dresses for his girls today. I always love him, but its moments like that that make me gush over with affection and love him more than I thought I could. We also walked away with a book for Jeff from the Border's Bookstore (that is closing and selling everything from 30-50% off) He was able to get the book Auto Repair for Dummies at a killer steal. (I actually happened upon him reading it tonight. He was super excited to have something else to use as a resource for his hydrogen cell project).

We decided to try not to use the Tom Tom to get home and went for a tour of Boise and Meridian. We stopped at the Sonic in Meridian about 5 minutes before happy hour (sad day) and we split a giant ocean water (happy day). We stopped at some stores and looked around (like Big Lots) and we ate dinner at the Texas Roadhouse later that night and bummed around a few other stores that were close by. We made it back to Aaron and Holly's house and were pretty exhausted but it had been a lovely do nothing day- which is what vacations are supposed to be about as far as I'm concerned.

While we were at the mall on Monday,we managed to find the Doc Marten's that Jeff had been wanting for $20 cheaper than we'd been able to find them here in Idaho Falls. They were still $140. I felt bad saying no on that day, but Jeff's financial aid for school hadn't come through yet and because ISU is notorious for screwing up financial aid stuff I didn't want to spend the money that day and then not have money to get home. Because Jeff is so good to listen to my concerns and try to be considerate of them we agreed that if his financial aid came through we would be back before we left to get them. Sure enough, Jeff checked the bank account on Tuesday morning and his financial aid came through. Long story short- Jeff also left with his beloved Doc Marten's that we had been trying to save for since April. I love my husband, he is so patient! I am happy he has his new shoes and he has been super excited about them since we got them.

Jeff also decided to get me some shoes too. I've been wearing flip flops since April (when my feet started to swell). I think I've worn actual shoes two times since and both times I ended up walking around bare foot for the rest of the day (or until I got home) because my feet were too swollen to fit back in them. Jeff was nice enough to see that since autumn is approaching, I may not always be able to wear flip flops. He had to talk me into the shoes again because they were more expensive than I'd wanted to spend (I was thinking more along the lines of $15 and the shoes we ended up getting we about $30) but they were worth it. They have memory foam insoles to help cushion my feet and prevent too much irritation if they start swelling. The sales lady at Payless was super helpful and sweet. She even helped me find the shoes in the color I wanted....and then there was my sweet husband saying, "Just buy them. You like them, just buy them." (Not many wives hear that from their husbands, and I reckon that it will be awhile before I ever hear it again, but it is so nice to hear him acknowledge that he knows my needs and that he knows me...if it had just been me in the store I would have walked away- no matter how helpful the sales lady was.)

We had though about going to the zoo later that day, but then we decided that maybe we'd head home because Jeff wanted to work on his hydrogen cell and had to be at home with his tools to do that. We were both exhausted...Holly ended up convincing us to stay one more night. So, instead of going to the Zoo, we ate pizza with Aaron and Holly and watched movies with Aaron and the girls while Holly was at the dentist. I made dinner that night- one of Aaron's favorite dishes (goulash) he was super excited, like a kid in a candy store. My Uncle Justin and Aunt Lanae stopped by with their little ones to drop off some clothes they had borrowed from my family here in I.F. for a wedding and missionary farewell this weekend while they'd been in town. We got to visit with them for a little while as Holly worked on sewing a new comforter for Lilly's new "big girl" room. Once they left, Aaron and Holly observed and acknowledged that night what Jeff and I already knew- we are old fogeys...we are exhausted by 8:30 or 9 and try to be asleep and in bed by 10 or 10:30 (baby permitting) we all got a good laugh out of how different we are- because Aaron and Holly said that they go lay in bed around 10:30 and are lucky to be asleep by 12:30...it was pretty funny to us.

We packed up on Wednesday morning. Holly was surprised by how quickly we were packed and ready to go. We said our goodbyes and were on the road by 10. (Thanks again Aaron and Holly for opening your home to us!) The trip home was pretty uneventful until we hit Twin Falls... we were thinking of stopping there for lunch, but I remembered the crazy construction going on when we'd stopped there for gas on the way up to Boise so I told Jeff to keep going, I could wait to eat until we were in Burley. Well, we were glad we didn't stop because we saw traffic backed up from the freeway. As we were driving I noticed a flashing notice sign at a weigh station saying that the freeway was closed from exit 201-208. We made our way to the dreaded exits and saw that there was a lot of fresh paved road. I wondered if maybe it was an old notice, but as we approached the exit we saw the yellow signs that warned that there was a wreck ahead and, sure enough, the freeway closed and they detoured us off at exit 201.

We ended up driving what we found was an old highway between Paul and Rupert (by turning on the Tom Tom later)...we also found ourselves stuck in a traffic jam on that road for about an hour...we noticed semi trucks turning off onto the country roads- we started to wonder if maybe we should follow suit. Trusting that the Tom Tom would help redirect our route, we made our way off onto the country roads that surrounded that old highway, and managed to probably avoid being stuck in traffic for another hour...it turns out the wreck as a semi that had flipped and left debris all over the freeway and the traffic jam was due to the fact that Burley was already a little overrun and busy because there was a fair going on.

Needless to say, we ended up getting to lunch about an hour and a half after we'd intended to and we had to wait for quite a while because the place we were eating was packed by fair goers.

The rest of the trip was amusing. Jeff started singing along to music in the car (I love it when he sings...no joke...) and as we got closer and closer he started getting more and more excited. We both passed the time by making stupid, obvious observations and joking with each other about them (for example, we joked about being amazed because we actually saw a single person doing road work after a sign that said road work ahead...every road work ahead sign we saw was followed by long stretches of freeway that were blocked off with nothing going on... we choose to turn what annoys us into a joke...go figure). As we got closer, I mused that if I wasn't so tired and wanting to get home, I would try to convince Jeff to stop in Blackfoot at Jensen's Grove, just so we could stick our toes in and say we'd been to the beach. Jeff agreed that if he wasn't so tired, that would actually be a tempting idea...

We made it back, exhausted but rested (funny how that works) and decided to go out and swim in the pool here at the apartment complex where we live. It was lovely to stretch in the cool water after a long, hot car ride. We came back and decided to go out for one last hurrah. We ate a later than normal dinner at Chuck-a-Rama. I had actually never eaten there before and I must say they renewed my faith in buffets. (A few bad experiences at the Golden Corral in Pocatello had ruined me...gross!) They had a fresh prime rib, ham and turkey out of the roaster, a killer salad bar, and lots of other yummies...and who can resist all you can drink chocolate milk- I know I can't. It was divine.

All I can say is- I know our vacation wasn't filled with activities- it definitely wasn't our idea of what we'd originally wanted our vacation to be (if I thought baby would have cooperated, we would have ended up camping in Yellowstone), but what I can say is that it was a chance to vacate our every day life- which is the purpose of a vacation in the first place. I got to spend some awesome quality time with my wonderful husband before he has to go back to school, and I got to have wonderful experiences that made me appreciate him even more. I didn't need to zoo or amusement parks- I just needed him. In the end, it wasn't what we planned, but we were able to relax and forget about the rest of the world, and that is all that matters.

I love you Jeffry Nielson, and I am so glad I got to spend quality time with you. I'm glad we had nowhere to go in particular and nowhere to be. I'd rather get lost on a country road with you than stay in the finest hotel in the world.

Hugs and relaxation until next time darlings!

Preschool- Day 1

2011-08-08T12:08:00.003-06:00

Well, I announced at the beginning of the summer that my little sis and I had decided that I would take on the role of teacher for my sweet niece Raylee. She is 4 and needed some preschool education. My sister couldn't get her into preschool last year because of potty training problems. (She was good at recognizing the need for #1 but not #2- probably TMI but hey, its life everyone poops...) But then, this year came and as she researched it she realized that there was no way it could fit into her budget time or money wise.

The Head Start program is great, but is still pricey and if you do manage to get a free or reduced rate you are required volunteer hours to make up the amount of money that you aren't paying. Kiersten only has 1 vehicle, her husband uses it to go to work. She also has a 1 year old at home. So, even if she could get the free or reduced rate it brought on the new headache of getting Raylee there and finding a sitter if she was required to be there too.

This actually works out amazingly for me, as Jeff and I have made the decision that we will homeschool our kids until high school and then give them the option of going to a public high school or continuing a homeschool education. I am a firm believer that practice can only improve your skills- and teaching preschool for Raylee will give me a head start for 3 years from now when I have to teach my own little girl (who will be here in 14 weeks!!!!)

So- today was our first day of preschool. Kiersten and I went shopping on Saturday and poured over all the resource books at Barnes and Noble so that I could make sure we were getting the right ones for Raylee. (A major bonus of homeschool- you KNOW its catered to your child and their needs)

Kiersten was so excited to buy a little backpack for Raylee and a pencil box with supplies- I think mostly because Raylee was so excited. Raylee wasn't just excited about the average preschool curriculum- I had promised her that on top of teaching her numbers, letters, sight words, and phonics that we would have some beginning piano lessons. Raylee loves my piano- sometimes too much as she has broken off my damper AND sustenuto pedals, but nonetheless she loves to sit and "tickle" the piano keys to make up songs .

Raylee arrived a little late today, but we jumped right in. I think she assumed that we were going somewhere else to have preschool because at first she kept asking when we were leaving grandma's house to go- after explaining to her that grandma's kitchen was our classroom and that this was a special preschool just for her she finally understood what was going on, and was even more excited.

I hate that I couldn't find my camera until AFTER she left. There were plenty of photo ops that were sorely missed out on.

We started the day with lacing cards. They help to build hand eye coordination and dexterity in the fingers. Raylee jumped right in, she was super excited to see all the fairies on the front. She did exactly what I thought she would do and laced one up in three holes and was so proud of herself. I told her she did a wonderful job for a first try, but we needed to include all the holes. We then spent the next 20 minutes learning how to tell which hole came next and whether the lace needed to go through the front or back of the card.

I then had her help me clean up the lacing cards and take the laces out of the ones that she had laced up. She begged me to do them next time, so I think its safe to say that even though I was worried about her being able to concentrate long enough to do them they were a hit and I think besides learning hand eye coordination and dexterity for her fingers she will learn to slow down and be patient so that she can get things right.

Next we moved onto our letter for the day- A- I had her help me hang up our letter A on our letter wall and then we talked about the sounds that the letter A makes and our word for the week- APPLE. We then moved over to our "blackboard" area and I showed her slowly, step-by-step, how to draw a capital A. We then took turns making them smaller and smaller. She had a lot of fun drawing on the paper that was taped to the wall and smiled and giggled the whole time. She noticed how much easier it was getting to draw the A's as we kept at it, which signaled to me that it was time for our worksheets.

I found some really great worksheet resources on the web. I was able to download worksheets that worked specifically with my lesson plan. They were fun and managed to keep her focused. The first one was practice drawing the letter A, it came from one of the workbooks we bought on Saturday, and then we did a coloring worksheet where she had to color spaces with the capital A one color and the lower case A another color, revealing a picture. She loved it!

Next we worked on the numbers 0 an 1. I put the numbers up on our number wall and we got started. Raylee was super stoked when she realized that we were drawing on our makeshift blackboard again. We had a lot of fun learning how to draw the symbols for the numbers. I got to the point that I would sing what number I was drawing as I drew it and she would mimic and try to sing the number the exact same way that I had. We moved on to some worksheets to reinforce the numbers and then it was snack time.

After snack time we practiced cutting. Raylee got to cut out her own puzzle and put it together. They were mismatched shapes. I had her match the shapes and tell me what they were. We had a struggle with the scissors at first (she hasn't had much experience with them before now) but she started to get the hang of it by the end. The puzzle pieces were a slightly chopped up mess, but they were still recognizable enough that she could use them and identify the shapes- so all in all it wasn't a bad first outing with her "big girl scissors" as she called them.

Then it was time for the coup de grat- her piano lesson. We focused on the finger numbers. Raylee started to get really frustrated because she couldn't get her fingers to do what she wanted them to do. I quickly changed up the plan and we focused on hitting one key with one of the fingers and made up a little song using C D E F and G on the keyboard for her to play.

(Thumb-C) This is Number 1, playing the piano is fun

(Pointer-D) This is Number 2, I know just what to do

(Index-E) This is Number 3 How happy it makes me

(Ring-F) This is Number 4 It hurts if I slam it in the door (raylee got a kick out of that one, but I was coming up with rhymes on the fly and that was all I could think of. Needless to say, finger 4 was her favorite)

(Pinkie-G) This is Number 5, Its great to be Alive!

We repeated tapping on the note with that finger over and over again until she had the words and then we got to the point where we reversed order and sang the song backwards. Raylee was super excited that she finally got it. After that, I would call out a finger number and she would play whatever note she wanted with that finger. I think we are going to have to spend a little more time differentiating between 1 and 2 because she keeps wanting to use her pointer finger instead of her thumb when I say to use finger 1, but she'll get past it like a champ, I know it for sure. We then went back to the table and traced her hands and numbered the fingers on the hands and sang the song again as she wiggled each of the fingers...next Monday (Monday will be our piano day) we will work on the fingers again and if there is time left we will learn the difference between high and low and what direction you move on the piano to play high or low.

It was story time after that. We read The Berenstain Bears Clean The House. I had Raylee point to things on the page for me. She loved just snuggling up, being quiet and listening to the story.

Before we knew it, Kiersten was here to pick her up. 2 hours went SO FAST! With Kiersten there I explained her homework (yes, I sent a preschooler home with homework, but one thing I've learned in all my education classes is how important parental involvement is.) Raylee was excited to have the homework. She realized she could do it tomorrow since we're not meeting again until Wednesday for another day of preschool. I had a letter worksheet, a number worksheet, and a worksheet for her piano lessons all ready for her to take home.

This has been so much fun today. Because Raylee didn't notice how long she was here, I'm almost tempted to ask my sister if we can go until noon, but I think we will work our way up to it.

It was a special day with a special girl. Its amazing how much kids soak in if you're willing and able to give them the one on one attention they need to succeed.

Hugs and Loves until next time Darlings!

Frustrations...

2011-08-03T12:56:00.003-06:00

Well, we had a doctor's appointment today.

I am 25 weeks.

Things seemed normal as I went back for my appointment until it was time to step on the scale. I cracked a joke as I stepped on and the nurse started moving the little doohickey thing to figure out what my weight was...

Somehow in 5 weeks I've gained 9 pounds...which means since becoming pregnant I have gained 30 pounds already. I had expected to gain a few pounds, and hadn't really noticed much of a difference in my baby bump, but apparently I gained 9 pounds...of course this makes me worry instantly because, unfortunately (and fortunately) I am a researcher plus I have a sister who is a labor and delivery nurse...I know how dangerous it can be to gain too much weight while you're pregnant and what it can mean...

Well, they took us (meaning me and my dear husband who was along for the ride.) back to the room and a few minutes later my midwife walks in with a concerned look on her face...

"You really gained 9 pounds?!?!" She asked

I instantly wanted to cry. (I have been having issues sleeping and I think its catching up with me, it hasn't taken much to get me teary eyed the last few days....) I managed to maintain composure as we went through a list of questions to try to see if we could pinpoint what is going on...

"Are you getting exercise?" "Yes, I walk a lot." "Have you been taking your Metformin?" "Yes."

My midwife pursed her lips a bit, and sighed, "Well, it could be nothing but its a good thing your next appointment is the one where we will check your Glucose..."

Translation: Too much weight gain can be a sign of Gestational Diabetes which I am at a higher risk for since I'm Insulin Resistant...awesome...

I wanted to cry again...

My midwife measured my abdomen, "Well, you're measurements seem to be right on the mark for 25 weeks...We'll just have to see how much weight you gain in between now and your next appointment and what your glucose levels will be like. It may just be a fluke."

I still wanted to cry...if it isn't Gestational Diabetes does this just mean that I am a lazy whale? I've been trying to eat well, I've been trying to get up and out of the house to walk and do the things that I can do considering how short of breath I've been lately...I feel like a failure...I know that these thoughts are not rational, but they are seriously what went through my head and have continued to go through my head since I left the doctor's office.

Found out that my waking up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous is a sign of severe acid reflux and she is putting me on a prescription med for it because I am popping TUMS every 1-2 hours to keep it at bay. I also found out that the acid reflux is compounding the problems that make me feel like I can't breathe... I have had horrible acid reflux since my morning sickness ended. I've tried everything that I'm allowed over the counter and none of it has worked.(Besides eating Tums like candy...)

Tried to go get the acid reflux prescription only to find that Medicaid won't give it to me without preauthorization- I suppose I can handle a few more days of popping Tums.

In the midst of all this got the good news that a) my measurements are right on track (you read that earlier) b) Baby's heartbeat sounds good and c) She moves a lot ( No...really???LOL) I guess there is a d) there is a medication that can end some of my woes as far as feeling like there is molten liquid hot magma in the back of my throat and feeling like I can't breathe (and therefore I can't sleep...)

I'm really looking for the silver lining but in my sleep deprived state its been really hard today not to think about Gestational Diabetes and the ramifications of that diagnosis... the diet changes (which shouldn't be too hard since I've done it before when I was first diagnosed with insulin resistance) but also the problems of increased possibility of needing an induction and possibly a C-Section if the baby gets too big.

I'm also trying not to let myself believe that I'm a failure for gaining too much weight if its NOT gestational diabetes but its tough. I'm the one that eats...I try to eat healthily, I try not to over do it- but if its not gestational diabetes, then I'm obviously doing something wrong...

I know some people reading this may think, "You're pregnant, you signed up for this...build a bridge and get over it." and believe me, I'm trying...I guess I just need to vent to get it out of my system. I generally find that I can write something down and forget about how much its stressing me out.

I am very lucky to have an awesome husband. I managed to keep it together until he left me in the car while he went to price check something in a store after my appointment. I called my mom and the flood gates opened. He came to the car and let me finish crying to my mom. He just silently put his arm around me, tickled my back and kissed me on the forehead until I could talk to him. I think we sat in the car, in that parking lot, for atleast 15 minutes until I'd told him everything that was bothering me and had stopped crying. When I was done talking he held me close, kissed me, told me I was beautiful and he loved me and that everything would be okay (which made me cry more because he was being so sweet.)

In short- today hasn't been the best day. I need a nap...and I think I may have to break down and start sleeping on the recliner until I get my medicine....

Hugs, naps and much love until next time darlings.
(P.S. If you made it to the end of this rambling venting session, you are a true friend and an angel. Thanks for being there.)

What happpened to July?!?!?!

2011-08-01T07:50:00.005-06:00

Well, here we are on August 1st.

My only question is: What happened to July?

Everyone told me that the last 2 trimesters of pregnancy go super slow- but for me that has not been the case. Its like all of a sudden I woke up and I was 6 months and 1 week pregnant (25 weeks for those of you who like people to say it in weeks.)

All of a sudden, I'm faced with other realities- the reality 0f my husband returning to school and me not returning to school. I am sad to think about how much I'm going to miss all my friends. I am going to miss singing and music- but the truth is I know that physically I don't think my body could have handled a semester of school while being in the third trimester. I'm hoping that I can find other things to keep me occupied (things like teaching voice lessons)

I'm hoping to scare up at least 10 students but I will be happier if I can manage more. I am fortunate to have a friend who is moving out of the area who has referred her students to me and another individual- allowing them to choose who they like better- but so far I only have 3 potential students. I hope I can manage more than that. It will give me more to focus on than growing a baby- don't get me wrong, growing a baby is actually a pretty tough job, but I am sick of sitting home all day with nothing to do. The sad reality is that even though I am highly qualified for many of the jobs around here I have 3 strikes: 1- I have a master's degree and have been told by potential employers in the past that it either over qualifies me or they don't believe it would be fair to hire me because they can't pay me what I'm worth 2- I'm pregnant- nobody wants to hire someone that they will have to let go in a few months after they have a baby, and 3- they want a year commitment, which is something I just can't do. Jeff graduates in December, so who knows where we will end up having to move and also Jeff and I have discussed it the situation and made the decision that we both feel its important for there to be one parent in the home. Neither of us want a daycare facility raising our children. (Having said that, let me give a little disclaimer: we have nothing against people that choose to work and send their kids to daycare. Sometimes the situation you're in calls for it, and there is no shame in that. We have just opted to choose to give up some of the luxuries of life in order for there to be a parent in the home)

So, this leaves me with teaching voice- nannying for my older sister once in a blue moon when she is at work- teaching preschool for my niece- and possibly substitute teaching (that is, if I can get the interviewer to take a woman who is 6 months pregnant seriously)

In the meantime, I think I may have an idea where July went...in fact July may have went to something else that can bring a little money into the house...

Introducing Brittany Boo Designs (or- How I spent the entire month of July)Here is everything I made (minus a few pairs of ballet slippers I made for my nieces)

The kitty cat hat (Tabby Boo). It took me 3 hours to make up a pattern for the ears so that they didn't look too circular.

The Puppy Boo- I'm not sure about this one. I'm thinking I will make another one without the face and with longer ears to see how I like it.

Cutie Boo with two detachable flowers. I've had a lot of fun making flowers.

The Bugga Boo with matching booties. (The flower on this one detaches too. I am giving most of the hats to my sister in exchange for my newborn pictures. I will likely keep the Cutie Boo and these booties)

Last but not least are the things I've made so far for her blessing. I definitely won't be giving these to my sister. The picture doesn't do them justice. The little booties are ballet style slippers. The ribbon will wrap up around her legs and tie in a bow. I still have to make a white petticoat skirt to go with this and we will likely just put a white onesie underneath all of it.

So friends...what do you think? Do you think I could start making stuff to sell, or should I work on improving my skills a little more? Be honest darlings- it won't hurt my feelings. All I know is I am having a blast...it definitely helps to pass the time (hopefully it won't be all I have to do once Jeff goes back to school...LOL...but if it is maybe having some special orders and building a stock pile will help pass the time...ha ha)

Hugs and little baby kicks (my new favorite thing) until next time darlings!

My Kitchen Assistant or The Great Tiger Ear Escapade

2011-07-15T12:01:00.007-06:00

The other day I decided to wake up and make tiger ears... the mood just struck.

Naturally, I was exhausted after the endeavor, but it was totally worth it because I had the wonderful idea to take the dough over to my little sister's house and make them there using my niece as an assistant chef.

Raylee LOVES to help in the kitchen (LOVES is actually an understatement. I don't believe there are words to describe how much she enjoys being a big helper.) We had so much fun, and of course, I took photos of the entire experience, which you can view via my cheesy photo montage that follows right now! :Raylee didn't even know what a tiger ear was, but she was super excited to see the dough!

Here she is learning how to roll them and flatten them. She had a bit of a hard time adjusting to her hands being sticky, but she got it like a pro.

We had a bit of a mishap...I usually test to see if the oil is ready by adding a sprinkle of water to see if it boils to the top...apparently I added too much and had quite the splatter once we added the dough to the oil, while most of the oil burned my forehead and my neck a bit of it hit Raylee's arm and foot.

Raylee decided the best solution would be to move her chair out and duck and cover each time I added a new tiger ear to the bubbling oil in the pan...you gotta give her props for ingenuity...

As you can see, these aren't the big as your face triangular tiger ears you'd find at the East Idaho State Fair. Its all in how you shape them. We prefer smaller circles (that are more manageable for an individual eater) with a little bit of a divet in the middle to hold delicious honey butter (if that's what you choose to put on it...) (for the record, I made a few "tiger ear" shaped ones towards the end of the cooking day because Raylee was busy eating hers.)
Speaking of honey butter...here is Raylee helping me mix our homemade honey butter.

Raylee opted for our cinnamon and sugar mix for her own tiger ear. She's getting ready to shake it! (always the funnest part when I was a kid...before I decided to be brave and try honey butter, a decision I've never looked back from.)

The first bite! (She decided to color and eat at the same time...judging by the next picture, this may not have been the best idea....judge for yourself just below.)

The face of sweet success (it looked worse than this but she wiped her face off before I got a chance to take the picture. She was slightly embarrassed that I wanted a picture of her messy face. Her hands were covered in cinnamon and sugar goodness.)

Well, darlings, there is more that happened on my excursion to Kiersten's house to make tiger ears, but I kind of want to photoshop the rest of the pics. Not that they are anything spectacular or fabulous, but there is some cuteness going on...and some red eye reduction is definitely in order! LOL

Hugs and deliciousness until next time darlings!

On Bullying...

2011-07-08T19:26:00.003-06:00

There has been a lot of recent media attention to the problem of bullying. This morning I watched an interview with a 15 year old bully who pled guilty to the charges brought against her. The case she was involved in was dreadful. The victim in this case was a fellow 15 year old student who was new to the country. She had moved here from Ireland with her family. Instead of being welcomed she became a target of ridicule and hate because she happened to end up dating 2 very popular (and desired) boys. Because of this, a group of 5 girls decided to target her and make her life miserable. The bullying eventually led to this young woman deciding that it would be better to take her own life. Her last communication with her mother was a distressed text message saying, "They might as well just hand me a noose."

The 15 year old bully that had come forward to speak after pleading guilty to charges related to the bullying acts that led to her classmate's suicide had merely this to say (something she kept repeating). She was frustrated that she had been painted as a ring leader when in reality she was just "helping a friend" and if she had known that her victim had other problems she probably would have helped her instead...

Okay...

So...she was "helping a friend"? I'm sorry, but if she was my child and was using that as a defense, I would likely tell her that its time that she gets new friends.

I think as parents, there is a desire and want to believe the best about a child. They don't believe that their child would do anything to harm or hurt anyone else. The unfortunate thing is, this attitude causes many people to not come forward when they are being emotionally or physically abused by their peers. I'm not saying that parents shouldn't go to bat for their children, but what I am saying is that perhaps they need to take a step back and ask around if there have been any witnesses to their child exhibiting bully behavior. The truth is, we all have our agency, and we learn to exercise that agency at an early age. The child that you see at home may not be the child you send to school because they may make choices and decisions that you don't agree with when you're not around.

I was the victim of bullying all through junior high. I was miserable. I hated going to school. My saving graces were that I was a very good student with exceptional grades so when I felt like I needed a few "mental" days, my mom was always willing to let me stay home and relax, and I was a teacher's pet and was able to use their classrooms to escape to ridicule. I was barked at, mooed at, sworn at, called horrible names that I don't care to repeat, and pushed up against lockers every day...all because I was a newcomer to a small town who didn't have the right last name, and then to make matters worse I wouldn't "go out" with a popular boy who claimed to like me... funny, if he liked me so much, it seems to make much more sense to try to be kind than to get his friends to treat me like garbage in an attempt to force me into a relationship... I tried to be friendly with my attackers, I even would help them with their school work, but it never worked, they never relented.

I was super excited for a new start when we moved before I started high school...only to be bullied again for being smart...sure, everyone was my friend when they needed help with an assignment or wanted to be in my group for a group project, but as soon as that was over I was made fun of and called names.

My point isn't to tell you I was bullied and have a pity party...my point is- I never said a word. I continued to pretend everything was fine even though I hated my surroundings and the people in them. My mom knew something was up, but could never get it out of me. Living in small towns, where I didn't have the right "last name", I figured that if I came forward and said something about my attackers that no one would believe me.

The one factor that makes this worse is that the bullying is getting worse, and the bullies are starting younger and younger. Shows like Jackass (for an example) make stupid acts or very dangerous pranks seem hilarious...kids are catching on and following in suit because they believe it will make them cool, or like their famous idols. One example comes from an episode of Doctor Phil earlier this week. A 14 year old boy was (allegedly) held down and forced to get a tattoo on his buttocks of two foul words (so foul they couldn't even say them on the air) and little pictures to accompany them. His bullies, a group of four 18 year old boys, have been charged with child abuse and other charges as a result. The bully that just got out of jail came on the show to apparently "apologize" and his mother came on to defend him and say that she believed her son...she alleged that the 14 year old boy wanted the tattoos and that he knew what they would say, that it was a joke... The 14 year old admits to going to have a tattoo, but he believed it would be a celtic cross on his arm with his girlfriend's name on it...at tattoo he apparently wanted. The older boys had promised to stop bullying him if he did it...so he came and ended up not getting what he came for...however, this older boy has alleged that the 14 year old boy was begging for the tattoo and wanted..

What resulted was a big mess where the bully's mom confronted the victim's parents refusing to believe that her son was guilty of what he had pled guilty to...she was trying to turn him into the victim...the apology that her son gave, as a result, seemed to not be a complete apology and was not accepted or believed by the victim or his parents...

Where did they come up with the tattoo stunt? I haven't seen much of Jackass (my brother used to watch it) but what I have seen would tell me that the idea these bullies came up with was similar to something that had been done on the show...or shows like it.

Why do kids think they need to do things like this to be "cool"? Well, I know self-esteem has a lot to do with it...which is what I used to tell myself in junior high and high school...I would remind myself that obviously these kids don't have very high opinions of themselves if they feel like they need to do crap like that to other people...but there is more to it than that...every child is an individual with individual needs, wants, and experiences...

Bottom line- parents need to be parents...not that all bullies have absent parents, but perhaps they have parents that are more interested than being their friend and buying their affections than giving them precious time and the discipline and boundaries that we all desire as human beings. Kids need boundaries, adults need boundaries...it is proven that humans don't like to live in chaos...without boundaries kids will create their own rules- and those rules may not always be the smartest rules if they don't have someone in their home reinforcing right and wrong.

I'm not saying it is all the fault of the parents...believe me, I've covered that kids have the right to make their own decisions, and they do (it all starts with the terrible twos and gets worse from there) but what I am saying is that there needs to be an effort to make sure that children get more discipline than what a teacher or principle can give them.

I remember an experience when I was in 1st grade. A friend of mine had brought some snapper firecrackers to school (you know, those little white things that pop when you throw them at the ground?) We were playing with them at recess and I had one or two left over in my pocket...a pocket with a hole in it...The fire crackers managed to make it until we were in the line for lunch when they fell out of my pocket and snapped. A child in my class had recently moved back from the middle east with his military father and was especially shaken- to the point he passed out. My teacher roughly grabbed me and made me miss lunch...not only did I have to go through the rest of the day hungry, but I was almost kicked out of school because my teacher was so mad (she believed I had thrown them intentionally, but I hadn't) My parents stuck up for me, and my principle believed me because my story never changed (usually with kids that age the story changes a lot when they are lying to get out of trouble). I was issued a citation, which was basically 1 strike out of the 3 strikes and you're out rule. My teacher was furious, and made the rest of my 1st grade life miserable because she still believed I lied.

In spite of the fact that my parents believed me and went to bat for me, I was still punished. I knew better than to play with fire crackers without an adult. I was grounded from friends for 3 weeks and lost the privilege to ride my bike for the rest of the autumn as a result...the point is, my parents didn't just leave it at the school's disciplinary action, they took it home to reinforce that while they believed I wasn't completely in the wrong, I still had done something wrong to put me in that situation.

They did the same for my brother who was suspended for 3 days for fighting when he was in junior high. He didn't throw the first punch, but let's just say he definitely won the fight...because the instigator left with a black eye and my brother left with a sore fist the school opted to suspend him for 3 days and the instigator for only 1. My brother spent the next 3 days doing chores around the house all day long- no television, no friends, he had to do things he hated like mowing the lawn and weeding...and he was also grounded from his video games for the next month. He was told that while he didn't start the fight, he should have walked away and found an adult to end the situation instead of finishing it himself. He was told that we don't solve our problems with our fists.

The instigator had been bullying him constantly, my parents finally took action and talked to the boy's parents. Aaron apologized for giving him a black eye, and his parents ended up hearing my brother's side of the story. While they didn't believe that their son would be a bully, they tried to be understanding and talked to their son about it. Eventually, the boy was suspended for starting another fight and bullying another kid and his parents made it a point to call and apologize for their disbelief when my brother came forward.

In the end, we need to find a way to help kids to feel confident to come forward if they are being bullied. We need to have some type of forum where they can say that they are being hurt, and parents need to be willing to do a little investigative work instead of jumping right on the defensive if their child stands accused.

Or maybe we need to stop the focus on bullying all together...Bear with me for a bit...

At one of the schools where I did observations and work for my Teacher Work Sample they were running a program called Rachel's Challenge...but the staff and faculty had moved beyond having the assembly and hoping it would work...they set up a few "Kindness Stations" in all the hallways. Students were encouraged to fill out a paper if a fellow student had done something kind for them. They would be recognized in their homeroom class for their acts of kindness every day. Exceptional acts of kindness were recognized at school assemblies or over the PA system after the pledge of allegiance. This school (a middle school) saw a dramatic decrease in the amount of bullying cases they had to deal with. Why? Because time and time again psychological studies have proven that people respond more to positive reinforcement of good behaviors as opposed to constantly punishing bad behaviors.

Don't get me wrong, they still had their bullying cases. I was having a chat with the school secretary one day when one very angry father came in to talk to the principle and convince him not to suspend his child for bullying behaviors. He was insistent that his child would never do anything so horrible...but the bottom line was that there were witnesses and the principle took the zero tolerance policy seriously. The secretary said that before they implemented Rachel's Challenge and their own special additions to it those situations had been all too frequent.

Many psychologists believe that violence is a learned behavior. Y es, we do have the fight or flight reflex, but a child doesn't hit unless they've witnessed violence and hitting themselves, or have been hit themselves...there are many studies that have proven this. Perhaps bullying is a learned behavior, its either learned from an abusive parent or from a sibling, the media and violent video games...we need to be aware of what our children are witnessing, we need to make sure that their siblings are setting a good example, and we need to be aware of the games they play and the shows they watch...too many parents will just sit their child in front of the television because its an easy babysitter and they won't pay attention to what they are witnessing...if they were more aware of child psychology maybe they won't be so prone to using technological babysitters...

Kids that could be victimized (which is in essence every child) need to be aware that ending their lives is never the answer. They need to know there is an adult presence that can help them come up with a solution, whether that solution is home school, transferring schools, or trying to have a conference with teachers, the bullies picking on them, and administration to find an answer....

Ultimately, I don't know if there is an answer to end bullying. I understand that we will deal with bullies for our whole lives...believe me, I've dealt with a few at the collegiate level..however, as adults we have more tools and emotional stability (hopefully) to deal with bully related issues. Most adult bullying is a result of one party being insecure and needing to feel superior to someone they view as a threat to them...

However, adult bullies are usually smart enough not to start physical fights (USUALLY) or do something to physically harm someone else (USUALLY...when speaking in generalizations there is always an exception to the rule)... I guess my biggest worry is that bullies that are allowed to cause physical harm, or pull elaborate stunts to belittle their victims will carry on that behavior into adulthood creating a much more dangerous world.

The world is getting worse every day...I know that one person alone will likely be unable to stop the trend, but my hope is that if enough people get smart, get active, and try to be better that the world will be better...

Hugs and hope until next time.

Anyone got a Dunce Cap I can Borrow?

2011-07-05T13:30:00.004-06:00

The day was uneventful...we didn't even go to the fireworks. Just had lunch with my sister Amber and her family, and dinner with my parents, little sister Kiersten and her family...

Then I decided to do the laundry because it was spilling over the top of the hamper...then things got interesting....

I washed my husband's cell phone... and tearfully went to our bedroom to tell him what I'd done (I swear I checked ALL his pockets)

Jeff held me while I cried and laughed about it, reminding me it was just a stupid phone and that he wasn't mad...

Still feeling like a dunce...

Hoping the old bag of rice trick will save it since I found it before it went through the dryer...(which would have fried it beyond the possibility of saving it)

Still feeling like a dunce...

I guess we all have THOSE days...

Maybe one day I will stop feeling like a dunce...

Maybe on Thursday when we pull it out of the bag of rice it will magically work...

Maybe then I'll stop feeling like a dunce...?

Hugs and pregnancy brain until next time darlings...

Dejunking

2011-07-02T17:09:00.004-06:00

Jeff and I finally decided to tackle cleaning out our bedroom today (Well, it was on my to do list but Jeff started without me and when I realized what he was doing, I pitched in). We are living with my parents and we were living amongst boxes and boxes of stuff (some of it ours, most of it theirs...) and way too much furniture for one small room to handle.

We knew that we needed room for the baby in our space and we knew that the only way to do it was to clean up and out. We had to go through each box, every cabinet- making sure to note what we found that was worth keeping, what to DI or yard sale, and what to throw away.

I swear Jeff must have taken 3 or 4 VERY FULL trash bags to the dumpster today.

There was more than just the physical clean up of our room that happened today...I think some emotional cleaning happened too.

We were in the middle of emptying the giant wooden cabinet that resides in our room (filled with stuff that I'm sure my parents haven't looked at in years) and Jeff pulled out a set of scriptures. I didn't think much of it until I looked down and saw the name that was embossed on them:

Michael Ray Winberg.

I haven't made it any secret that my biological father passed away when I was young. About a week after I turned 12 he was gone and shortly after my mom met Parker and eloped with him..it was a lot of change to deal with in a short time and I will admit that I don't know if I've completely healed.

I looked down at the brown set of scriptures tried to shrug away the lump in the back of my throat. A wave of mixed emotions began to rush over me and I pushed it away and back...pregnancy hormones...gotta love 'em right?

Nothing could have prepared me for what Jeff would pull from the confines of the cabinet next...a large leatherish looking satchel zipped up that said Wood Funeral Home on the front. I knew immediately what it was. I tried to non chalantly tell Jeff that the satchel contained the remnants of my dad's funeral and what was left of any belongings that my mom had decided to store with them. Jeff unzipped the satchel and looked inside. "Yep, you're right." He said noting that there were pictures and what appeared to be sympathy cards inside.

I struggled even more to push the tears back. They sat pooling in my eyes, but I didn't want them to fall. Jeff left the room and curiosity got the best of me. I opened one of the packages of pictures and found what was left of the memories of the 2nd honeymoon my parents had taken to Florida a week before my dad died. I opened another package of pictures and saw a picture of my sister Amber, but upon closer inspection I realized why she didn't look happy...in the background was my dad's open casket. There was his body looking pale and foreign.

I quickly put the pictures back in the sleeve and zipped the satchel back up. I was not prepared to see that picture. I was not emotionally ready...and then the dam burst and the flood of tears started to fall. Jeff came back in the room from moving some boxes out into the hall. I quickly turned away and kept working but it couldn't be helped...Jeff knew I was crying. He asked what was wrong and I finally completely broke down.

With what little strength I could muster I pointed the satchel sitting on our bed and said, "That is all that I have left of him. He's gone and that is all that is left." I became a wet sobbing mess. Jeff whisked me out of the room and took me to the living room to sit on the couch. I sat and cried for what seemed like forever. There were so many emotions I couldn't just pinpoint one...

Years of pent up sadness, frustration, and fear came welling up. My thoughts went to everything that he hasn't been here physically to see and be a part of. I started to wonder if he knew my daughter that is on her way to this earth. I wondered if she loves him as much as I do still. I wondered what he would say and do if he were here.

Jeff snuggled me and wiped my tears. I looked up into his blue eyes and thought about how much dad would have liked him. He is definitely dad's type of guy. Smart, technologically savvy, and funny. I started to wonder what their relationship would be like if he were here in person to walk and talk with Jeff and another flood of tears came out.

Finally, after crying for what felt like forever I finally was able to form a sentence.

"I guess we just try to allow ourselves to forget how much we miss people after they are gone."

I do miss my dad. I miss him every day... but its a thought I push to the back of my head. I know my siblings at one point wondered if I even missed him...I cried very little at his funeral, I think I felt like I had to stay strong, I felt like dad would have wanted someone to be there for everyone else...they even thought that I was somewhat of a traitor for being so welcoming and open to Parker as a father figure when I finally realized he was here to stay. I can honestly say that I will never forget him. I will never stop loving him. I will never stop missing him.

As I sat there crying in my sweet husband's arms, I made another realization. I admitted to Jeff that it frustrates me that when I try to relive a good memory of my dad other people twist it and try to turn him into a bad guy...

My dad was no saint...no one is perfect...but I want to foster good memories, and it hurts that some people choose to deal with their own grief by trying to paint a picture of someone who was mean all the time...someone that I never saw or knew. I know that it makes it easier for them. It helps them to feel okay about moving on with their lives. It helps them to feel justified in their anger about him leaving this life to move on to the next all too soon...but in reality, the man that I remember would have wanted them to move on and move forward. He would have wanted them to be happy, and if it hadn't been his time to leave us, if his mortal testing period wasn't complete, he wouldn't have chosen to go.

Its hard to feel like you have to keep memories all to yourself. Sometimes I feel so alone when it comes to missing him. All I can do is thank my Heavenly Father for such a wonderful husband who lets me babble on when I do have something silly, something sweet, or something crazy to share with him about life with my dad. He was the funniest guy on the planet ( my brother is so much like him.) and he tried to be a true and good friend to all that came in contact with him.

I even find myself crying a little bit as I type this.

Obviously, the hurt and the grief will never go away completely. I've accepted that. I just find myself way more emotional and prone to breaking down over it these days.

In the end, I know how lucky I am to have had such a wonderful, loving biological father and to have such a great and loving step-dad who has come so far and become a new man through the love of my mother, my siblings and me, and God. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband who will be a fantastic father to our daughter when she finally gets here.

I am so lucky to have been made so much stronger. Few people know what it is like to cope with grief on such a level at a young age, but I truly believe that without having experienced the loss of my father I wouldn't be who I am today. Who knows where I would have ended up...but I know my testimony of a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for all of us has been strengthened throughout the years, and that my testimony of the wonderful, glorious powers of the temple has been impacted in a way that few can fully fathom.

Jeff mentioned as I was crying that it was okay, because I would see my dad again someday.

It is so true...because of the wonderful sealing power of the priesthood I am bound to my dad for eternity. I will be able to see him again, and until then, he is always there. He is just a dream and a prayer away.

Hugs and loves darlings!

Lunch if its a boy...

2011-06-30T12:03:00.003-06:00

The day started fairly normally...except for the whole being nervous, and excited all at once...

Nervous because in the last few months I've had friends and people close to me find out about birth defects and illnesses in their babies at this particular ultrasound (the 20 weeker) and excited about the possibilities.

I may be a glass half full type of person, but when it comes to any situation, I tend to think of worst case scenarios...I don't know why, I just do. I guess its a coping mechanism I've developed through the years. If I prepare myself for the worst, I'm less likely to crumble like a dry piece of cake when I get bad news, and (BONUS) I get even more excited for good news.

We had to make a quick run to the store before we went to the doctor's office for DVD's (we were told if we brought one they could make a video of the ultrasound) So of course, (because I have an incurable case of punctuality) I made sure we left with plenty of time to spare. We actually made it to my appointment almost half an hour early! (oops..)

It was a nice time to sit and relax. Jeff and I snuggled up on a vintage looking loveseat with claw feet in the waiting room and talked. Jeff promised to take me to lunch after all was said and done because he knew I'd be starving (bless him...)

Darla (the ultrasound tech) came out and got us and gave us some bad news...the DVD machine had happened to break earlier that morning and was in the process of being fixed. It would be done later that day, but not in time for our ultrasound. Darla, being the awesome person she is, said that we could make an appointment and come back later for a DVD and 2nd ultrasound free of charge.

And the ultrasound began...(once I can get my hands on a scanner, I will try to post some of the ultrasound pictures). The first thing we got was a good look at her perfect spine (thank goodness!) Unfortunately, the baby was in a very bad position...poor Darla had to start thinking of clever ways to move the baby so she could see everything she needed to see (just my luck, the kid is stubborn!)

We did manage to see a few "Jeff" poses. We joked about how we definitely knew that the baby was his child (as if there was any doubt). Baby eventually moved to lying on its back with an arm up around its head and covering the face (this pose is actually very funny because that is how Jeff sleeps) Jeff also noted that the stubborn nature of the baby was another tell-tale marker of how much like him it is.

She moved around and got a few good glimpses of the gender. Right before she said what it was Jeff had said, "Lunch if its a boy, dinner if its a girl." Darla laughed and said, "It looks like dinner!" Jeff did a double take..."Are you sure?" he asked, somewhat surprised. Darla got another look and said, "I'm fairly sure based off of what I'm seeing. I'll put a 90% guarantee on that." This started Jeff's relentless questioning (which he was still doing this morning by the way...) "A girl? What am I supposed to do with a girl?"

Don't get me wrong...Jeff is in no way disappointed that we are having a girl. He is just confused. He hadn't really pictured himself with a girl, and he just really has NO IDEA what to do with one. I assured him that he could still take her hunting and fishing and camping (all things that I would do if asked) and he said, "Yeah, but I can't get her to gut a fish or fresh kill." I simply reminded him that we have no idea what her personality will be like...maybe she'd jump right in to something like that...

Darla had a hard time getting a good look at the heart, she said that when we came back she would check it again, but it looked fine. Other than that, she saw everything and kept saying how "great" baby looked.

We ended up going back to the waiting room after the ultra sound because they were having struggles finding rooms (I'm guessing there were lots of labor checks because I saw a lot of very pregnant women pop in for a minute and then leave looking slightly dejected) I ended up going back and having my vitals and weight taken, and then being put back in the waiting room.

My midwife's nurse finally came out exclaiming that they finally had a free room! We went in and my midwife Susan came in. She was super excited about the baby and was super excited by the ultrasound results. She explained everything that they had seen. Apparently, McMonkey McBean has very long legs like her daddy and a head that ranks in the tenth percentile (Susan said that the head size was nothing to worry about, and that this will be a big blessing when it comes time to deliver. I can't help but agree with her!)

After our regular Q and A session and hearing the heartbeat (153 again) we made another appointment and were on our way....well atleast until 4:30 when we would have to come back for the 2nd ultrasound.

We went to lunch at Applebee's and spent WAAAAY to much money (I think its the most we've spent on a meal since we've been married...and I know Jeff said dinner if it was a girl, but we were both STARVING...our appointment had ended up taking 2 hours because they couldn't find a room to put us in! LOL)

At lunch we decided we would have a big pizza party to tell our family the gender instead of calling all of them. Amber lamented that I wouldn't just tell her over the phone...but finally gave in and agreed to come. Kiersten was excited and said they'd be there and mom and dad were already going to eat with us anyway (since we live with them for the time being) so it didn't take much coercing there...

We ran some more errands and went to Papa Murphy's to get the pizza. We ordered one with GIRL written in pepperoni and sausage and 2 more. We ran them home and then back to the doctor's office for ultrasound #2.

This time baby was curled up in a ball...after some coaxing Darla was able to get a really good look at the heart and verify 100% that there were no holes and 4 chambers. She also changed her 90% chance of the baby being a girl to 95%... I tried to upload the video, but it was too long. Give me a few days to edit and clip it and I may be able to show you all or a portion of it...maybe...(no promises, but I will try)

After the ultra sound, we had some time so we went to the store and purchased the play yard I'd found to be the best option for us after LOTS of research. We rushed home, cooked some pizzas and only started the pizza party 30 minutes late...LOL

At the pizza party (sorry forgot my camera) and everyone was surprised. Only Addie, Raylee, and my friend Erica voted for girl. Everyone else was super sure it was a boy. Cute little Macee looked at all of the ultrasound pictures and had Erica and me explain them to her. She was very interested and surprised. She was super excited when we pointed something out and she could finally see it!

Then, after the pizza party, Jeff surprised me. He grabbed me by the hand and whisked me to the movie theater (well...AFTER we stopped at the grocery store for snacks...movie theater snacks are WAAAAAY too expensive) He took me to see a movie I've been dying to see since it came out a few weeks ago- The Green Lantern.

As far as super hero/comic book movies go it was really good. Ryan Reynolds was awesome and the story line didn't lag. I'd recommend it.

Jeff and I talked on the way home about how expensive movie theaters are getting. It cost us $10 a ticket to get in! (I know that isn't the worst price in the country as far as movie tickets go, but its still kind of ridiculous...we could have gone to the store and purchased a movie to watch over and over again for the same price!) It's likely that the next Harry Potter movie will be the last movie we see in theaters for a while (unless its the cheap theater at $1-3 a ticket)

All in all...it was an awesome day...today has been interesting...but that my friends is for another blog...

Hugs and hairbows until next time!

Anticipation

2011-06-27T09:34:00.004-06:00

2 MORE DAYS!!!!

It seems like this first 20 weeks has gone so fast, and now here I am waiting in a painfully slow period of time...in 2 more days we will know if McMonkey McBean is a boy or a girl.

Originally, we weren't going to find out the gender, but we decided that for finance's sake we needed to know. It will be much easier if we can gradually buy things as we anticipate baby than saving money hoping we have enough after he/she gets here.

Its times like these that I wish we had gone with the original plan...there wouldn't be half as much anticipation for this next appointment...and I wouldn't be going as crazy as I am now. Then, I remember how lucky I am to be living in the time that I do- we have the option of knowing. I imagine a young married couple in the 1800's or at the turn of the century and I wonder how they prepared for their first baby...

But then I remember that most of the clothing and gear that you needed for a new baby was gender neutral back then. We looked into gender neutral stuff...its way more expensive and much more difficult to find...

So, here we are in the modern world....I suppose we can assimilate...LOL

I guess I will just spend my time finding things to do to take my mind off of the anticipation.

For starters one of my favorite musicals "Gigi" is on TCM...that will kill about 3 hours of today for me...

My husband just brought me home a little baby pink rose that he picked for me...that killed a bit of time (what a sweet way to take my mind off of anticipation and the slow passage of time...I'm a lucky girl to have such a sweet husband!)

I suppose at some point I will have to take a shower and get ready for the day...

See...I can find things to do....really I can!

Well, the blogosphere and facebook are still open if you haven't cast your vote in the boy or girl debate. So far, girl seems to be eeking ahead as the winner in the opinion poll...

All will be revealed at my 10:30 AM appointment on Wednesday (we hope, sometimes babies don't cooperate)

Wouldn't that be ironic...I sit here in eager anticipation only to find out on Wednesday that we can't find anything out...with my luck it just may happen...LOL

Hugs and anticipation until next time darlings.

If I do say so myself...

2011-06-24T11:27:00.003-06:00

Okay...I know that pride isn't necessarily a good thing, but I am seriously proud of myself right now and I just have to share...

When I was little I remember sitting on the floor and watching my great grandmother (who was completely blind) hand sew beautiful, warm, and wonderful quilts. I would ask questions about what she was doing and watch as she explained the different stitches she was using. I have always carried this memory with me. In fact, her lessons in hand sewing are likely the reason I can sew at all, considering that sewing in a straight line on a sewing machine is super hard for me...don't ask me why. In fact, using the hand sewing skills that my great grandmother shared with me I have been able to sew 3 Halloween costumes, a purse, and a couple of skirts through the years...but I was never brave enough to try making a quilt.

When I found out I was pregnant I couldn't kick the impression that I needed to sew a quilt. I was terrified to even think about starting one! Hand sewn quilts are a time consuming labor of love and I wasn't sure I would have the initiative to keep going.

However, I realized that through all the shaky times and fears of the first trimester, I needed something to keep my mind off of things. Finally, at about 9 weeks along, I broke down and asked Jeff if we had the money for me to invest in some quilting essentials and start the project. Jeff seemed kind of surprised that I wanted to take on hand stitching something like a baby quilt, but I think he realized I needed something crafty to do for my sanity.

Well, I am super proud to show you my finished product (and it only took me 11 weeks...LOL)

Tah dah!
It may not be perfectly perfect...but I did it! All by myself...no help, just thinking back and recalling how great grandma used to do it. I can't help but be a little bit proud when I think that I hand stitched every square to its neighbors...Jeff actually was a bit surprised that I finished it as quickly as I did....

To be honest, I probably would have finished it faster, but as our move to Idaho Falls approached I ran short on time and motivation so there was a span of about 3 weeks where I didn't work on it at all...

Jeff helped me pick out the fabric. Bless my husband. He spent probably 2 hours with me casing Jo-Ann Fabric for gender neutral fabric. I guess I didn't need his opinion, but it was nice to have it. In fact, he was the one that found this fabric when I was about to give up on my quest.

I think both of us would have to say that our favorite part is this crazy looking owl.
He just looks so shocked and confused...which is kind of how we were feeling as we were realizing the reality of our situation as we shopped for fabric.

Well darlings, I think its safe to say that I am turning into Suzy Homemaker...and I'm loving every minute of it...

Hugs and warm quilts until next time darlings!

Take a Wild Guess!!!!

2011-06-22T15:01:00.005-06:00

Alright darlings,

We're here- the halfway mark! 20 weeks pregnant...

In honor of the fact that we are exactly a week away from finding out the gender of McMonkey McBean I decided to let people voice their opinions!

Do you think it is a BOY or a GIRL?

You can either leave your response here or leave it on Facebook...its your chance to let your voice be heard.

Unfortunately, as there is a 50/50 chance that everyone that guesses will be right, I can't offer any type of award for a guess well guessed...I suppose what I can offer is a chance for the people that are correct to have bragging rights on facebook, myspace, their blogs, etc...that's right, if you're right you get to KNOW you're right, you can even choreograph a little "I was right" dance to share with the world.

So, in the spirit of being helpful, I will give you any clues you might need for any old wives tales you may want to use to aid in your guesses:

1) I have pregnancy acne- really annoying and frustrating- but I live...after all it could be worse...
2) The baby likes to sit low, right behind my pubic bone and enjoys using my bladder as a punching bag
3) The last heart rate check a month ago said that his/her heart was beating at 153 beats per minute, which is on the low side (160 is average)
4) I have heartburn after EVERY meal
5) I had morning sickness all day every day until I was about 14 weeks when I magically woke up feeling great
6) My hair on my head has gotten much thicker and longer very rapidly, however, my leg hair has slowed in its growth rate.
7) My skin is super dry
8) My nails grow really fast
9) I can't eat chicken, broccoli, rice, or salad and during the first trimester I couldn't handle meat period.
10) My cravings include: root beer floats (occasionally, for the most part this pregnancy I haven't liked sweets at all) cucumbers in vinegar, pickles, Cheez-it crackers, and cottage cheese with mandarin oranges

And, in an effort to further help you with your guesses, here are some current pictures:

One from MY perspective (i.e. Behold! The BELLY!)
and one from Jeff's perspective

(P.S. probably my favorite pregnant picture to date...after seeing this, I decided Jeff is a brilliant master of photography when he is feeling rushed...he was playing Starcraft when I asked him to snap the picture and was in the middle of winning... Oh and pay no attention to the fabulous laundry room in the background...LOL)

Just so you know darlings, when the time comes, I am trying to work on a give away that will occur once we're closer where people can guess the date and time that I will have the baby... (I still haven't asked the other person that would be involved in said give away so it is VERY tenative) it should be faboosh none the less.

Hugs and happy guesses until next time darlings!

Life and the Pursuit of Patience

2011-06-15T12:58:00.005-06:00

Well,

Time and life march on.

Sad news...Jeff didn't get the job in Las Vegas. He can reapply when he is closer to graduation, they were actually quite impressed with him, but have no positions that are guaranteed to be open in 6 months when he graduates- so right now its just a waiting game. There are plenty more companies that come recruiting at the College of Technology requesting to see ONLY people in their last semester, so we have some more options and more time.

I'm not going to lie...I cried...I was worried, and then I decided to get over it. I am operating on faith. I have faith that God has a plan for me and my little family and obviously Vegas was not a part of that plan. I have faith that because Jeff is a hard worker and is constantly on the job hunt that we will find the job he is supposed to have and be led to the place we are supposed to live for a while. God is good, he loves us, and as long as we are willing to do the work we need to do- He will bless us with what we need and guide us to where He needs us to go.

I just need to pull up my big girl pants and be patient. Patience seems to be the one virtue God is constantly trying to teach me to have...I have gotten better, but obviously if he continues to try my patience, I could still use some work. Hooray for the Refiner's Fire!

I feel kind of like a bad mommy...I realized that I hadn't taken any pregnancy pictures in 6 weeks! I decided since I had some time, I should take some today, and Jeff even got in on the action.

So darlings, I present to you the 18 weeks baby book page! (Even though I'm almost 19 weeks...Shhhh if you don't tell, I won't...LOL)
Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

So Lucky

2011-06-09T16:02:00.003-06:00

Today is one of those days that reminds me how incredibly lucky I am. I try to remember this fact every day,but some days I am just overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings that Heavenly Father gives me on a daily basis and the big changes he has made in my life.

I think Jeff may have food poisoning. We went out for date night last night to the Olive Garden, he had never eaten there, and he left less than impressed. About 20-30 minutes after our arrival home he was feeling pretty miserable. We snuggled up and watched Yogi Bear (we went to a Red Box and rented it) and then after that he decided to play Halo with his X Box online. I dozed off (I'm recovering from a mysterious rash that developed a few nights ago, I have been taking Benadryll at night-the only approved allergy medication for pregnant folks, and even a half dose of children's Benadryll, which is what I take, knocks me out.) I don't know when Jeff turned off the X Box, I vaguely remember him asking me if I was falling asleep, me saying yes, him turning it off and then rolling over to snuggle with me. (On a happy note, the rash is all gone, so I don't think I will need any Benadryll tonight.)

Jeff and I woke up around 8:15 or so. We snuggled for a little while, he joked with me when I asked if I could just snuggle with him for a while by whipping up out of the bed and saying, "Okay, all done." with the mischievous smile on his face. I got up to go eat some breakfast and made him some orange juice (which is one of his most favorite things on the planet) I love the mornings. I love waking up to my husband snuggled up against me. (Lucky Reminder # 1)

Jeff left for work. My mom was at my sister's house and I was alone. Then, it started, the annoying feeling you get in your eye when something is stuck in it. I tried everything to flush it out, but to no avail. I assume that something was stuck, came out and left a scratch so that it feels like there is something stuck. Just in case I am getting pink eye, I took out all my make up and brushes and cleaned and disinfected everything. A task that I actually don't hate. Yes, if I do have pink eye, it will stink big time, but how lucky am I to know what to do to avoid keeping it around?

I went to my sister's house. On the way, I lucked out and saw my husband walking to talk to my dad about something work related. I decided to follow him into my dad's office. I think he was pleasantly surprised. We smooched a few times (because I always want to smooch my husband) and I left him to finish his work (Lucky Reminder #2- we are so blessed that my dad fought to get Jeff a job, Lucky Reminder #3- I am so lucky that I have a husband who works hard to provide for us, Lucky Reminder #4- My husband likes to smooch me too- every chance he gets!)

I managed to time walking to Kiersten's place just right. Apparently my mom had invited Raylee for a walk so they could take my mom's Shih Tzu out. Raylee came running to me with all her 3 year old gusto and hugged my legs so tight that I almost fell over. "Aunt B. I love you so much! Its so good to see you!" She then proceeded to stick a leaf in my face (picking up "nature" is one of her favorite things to do on a walk. She loves leaves especially) "Here Aunt B., you can have this beautiful leaf, I picked it just for you." (Lucky Reminder #5- I have the cutest nieces and nephews on the planet and they love me with their whole hearts, Lucky Reminder #6- We live on such a beautiful planet, its great to be reminded that everything is beautiful in its own way by seeing things through the eyes of a 3 year old.)

We went up to my sister's house. We visited for a while, my husband texts that he wants me to come for pizza with him (apparently the assistant manager of the apartment complex ordered pizza for all the maintenance staff and was more than willing to let Jeff bring me along so she could invite her husband too.) I asked if he wanted to me to walk down or if he would come pick me up. No response so I continued my visit. Surprisingly, the door opens- its HIM! My hunky husband (Lucky Reminder #7- my husband is (as far as I'm concerned) the most attractive man on the planet) He whisked me down to the clubhouse for pizza. We had a nice visit with my dad and all the men that work for him and the assistant manager. However, the food poisoning from last night kind of reared its ugly head again and Jeff, all of a sudden, was feeling sick.

We excused ourselves and came home. Jeff decided to take the rest of the day off so he could try to feel better. We got back and Jeff tried to help me flush my eye out again (Lucky Reminder #8- My husband loves me enough to try everything he can to make me feel better even when he is miserable- believe me, the feeling is mutual). When that didn't really work, we sat and discussed what we could do to make him feel better. I suggested we go to the hot tub. I can't sit in it (when you're pregnant you're supposed to avoid situations where your core body temperature can rise about 100 degrees Fahrenheit.) but Jeff can sit in it, and I thought that perhaps it would make him feel a little less achy.

Jeff mentioned that the hot tub at the new clubhouse was still being fixed, so we walked across the street to the old clubhouse. I couldn't help it- I had to stick my toe into the swimming pool. It may not be the warmest day, but I had to see what the water felt like. It was warm. The crazed idea started forming in my head. I wanted so badly to put on my swimsuit, run outside and jump into the pool. However, my rational self won out, and I thought that maybe the baby wouldn't appreciate the impact that he/she would feel if I jumped into the water. Jeff sat in the hot tub against a jet. I envied him. I thought about how nice it would feel on my aching back, but I want to be good! I stuck my feet in the water and let the jets massage my calves and feet...that still felt good (Lucky Reminder # 9 We live really close to 2 awesome hot tubs. Lucky Reminder #10 We are so fortunate that my parents took us in so we could save money before the baby comes.)

I looked out to the pool, longingly. I finally made up my mind. " I think I'm going to go try to swim." Jeff looked at me slightly bewildered. "Okay." He said and then he started getting out of the water. He was coming with me! (Lucky Reminder #11, I married someone who is willing to indulge my crazy ideas and even take part...I don't know if he'd admit it, but I think its one of the things he loves best about me.)

We went out to the pool. We slowly started to make our way in. Of course, because I'd had my feet in the hot tub the water felt much much cooler than it really was (its supposed to be 84 degrees) Poor Jeff started shaking like a leaf, but he willingly followed along with my crazy whim. We'd go in a few steps, get out and stand in the wind so that the water would feel warmer and then go in deeper. Jeff finally made it in all the way. He jokingly swam away from me and made me chase him into the deep end of the pool. He finally let me catch him and then teased me because I couldn't touch the bottom and he could. I wrapped my arms and legs around him tight and he walked around the pool for a bit. (Lucky Reminder #12, I love snuggling with my husband and he loves snuggling with me) Finally, Jeff had had enough and decided to go back to the safety of the hot tub. I decided to stay in the pool and swim for a bit.

Swimming while pregnant is definitely an interesting experience. I felt stretches in places that I had never felt stretching before, but it was a good stretch, you know? (Lucky Reminder #13, I have a healthy body. I think those of us that have whole, functioning bodies take that for granted a lot. Its nice to have a reminder like a gentle stretch.)

I went back to the hot tub. Jeff and I laughed about going into the pool and how surprisingly pleasant it actually was considering that it was only about 60 degrees outside. We then decided to call it a day. Jeff said he was feeling really tired. Instead of getting dressed, Jeff just started pulling his jacket and shoes on. "Are we not getting dressed then?" I asked, "I'm not. You can do whatever you like." Jeff said. I then dried myself a bit, put on my jacket and flip flops and we were off...that's right we walked back across the street in rainy 60 degree weather in our jackets and swimsuits. I got a kick out of people's reactions as they saw us (Lucky Reminder #14, my husband is just as crazy as me, and I love him for it.)

So far its been a pretty good day. I still feel like I have something in my eye and Jeff is back in the room recuperating (I really hope he feels better tomorrow) but its so nice to have a day where every little thing seems special. (Lucky Reminder #15, There is a tomorrow, and it can be just as wonderful as today if you look for all the blessings you have!)

Hugs, luck and loves until next time darlings!

Homeschooling: The Practice Run

2011-06-02T12:22:00.004-06:00

Alright,

Some of you darlings may know about the decision Jeff and I have made to homeschool our kids once they are old enough. Considering that baby number 1 isn't due for another 5 months or so its safe to say that we have some time to prepare and decide what curriculum (or curriculums since you can use more than one program to achieve what you want) will be right for our family. I had been feeling overwhelmed by this decision, but after reading recent news headlines (a kindergartener brought heroin from home and decided to share it with his classmates, another kid commits suicide because of bullying, attempted school shootings, problems with the education system, etc.) I am feeling more at peace than ever with this decision.

My younger sister Kiersten has been eagerly researching preschools in our area and has found that the programs are either too expensive for her budget to handle or they require so many volunteer hours for a reduced rate that she is unable to register her daughter anywhere. Kiersten and I had discussed her preschool woes. She expressed how nervous she was that her daughter would be behind once she started Kindergarten if she couldn't get into a good preschool. The topic of homeschool came up and what had led Jeff and I to our decision to commit to homeschool before our first child was even born. As I had volunteered at several preschools while I was pursuing a music education degree, I told her exactly what a preschool curriculum most commonly consisted of and how easy it would be to teach her little girl at home and prepare her for Kindergarten (if Kindergarten even exists in the state of Idaho by the time Raylee starts school as our state superintendent has been pushing initiatives to get rid of Kindergarten) Kiersten was surprised at how easy it could be but expressed that she envied me and my belief that I would have the patience to handle something like that.

We left the conversation at that. I filed it away and kind of forgot about it. Then, a few weeks ago, Kiersten approached me and offered to pay me a certain fixed amount each week and for all the necessary books if I would be Raylee's preschool teacher. She had been stressing about it, and just knew that she couldn't afford preschool, or devote the necessary volunteer hours with another little one at home to take part in the Head Start Program of our local school district. I was delighted to say yes. Not only will it be an awesome opportunity for me to spend some wonderful quality time with Raylee, it will be a great opportunity for me to learn how to put a curriculum together.

I buckled down and decided to spend my morning today researching curriculums. I was actually inspired by a blog that I read. The amazing woman that writes it homeschools ten of her eleven children. She had written a blog asking for suggestions for new curriculum for the next year that would be affordable because they didn't like the curriculum they had tried this year. People commented in droves! I decided to follow the links that they left and check out the programs they suggested. Someone even pointed her in the direction of a free website that helps you build your own curriculum based off the Charlotte Mason method (Charlotte Mason was an educator turned homeschooling maven when she found that the local children were not excelling at the local public schools. She turned her home into a classroom and allowed her neighbors to bring their children to her for schooling. This occurred at the turn of the century. She stressed the importance of play in early childhood education as a means of teaching them what they needed to know and also stressed the importance of them being able to speak intelligently about events of their day. Vocal composition is a huge part of the beginning of her method.) Based off of my reading, and ideas that I have been getting reading about different homeschool curriculum programs you can buy for preschool, I'm pretty sure I can come up with a very affordable, very effective program catered specially to Raylee and her educational needs.

I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to gain the knowledge from the ISU education program that has made this possible. I feel so confident! I may not once we start...but right now Raylee is super excited that Aunt B. is going to be her teacher and that we will get to have some one on one time, and was eager to get a headstart. We even had a little mini lesson this morning on the number 1. Raylee can count and say her alphabet, where she lacks skills is in recognition of the symbols. That is easily fixed with the right approach. I found a great website with tons of free worksheets for preschool and kindergarten to help with being able to draw the letters and numbers, and while we're at it, we will work on phonics and sight words so that she can maybe even start reading in easy readers before Jeff and I leave for his new job (hopefully we find out soon if he got it).

I am so humbled by my sister's faith in me, and even more humbled by the love of my special little niece who is so eager to learn! I'm thinking we will likely start in July. Raylee is 4 and while she can count to 20 and say her alphabet there are other ways that she is behind and I figure she will catch up quickly. She is one smart little girl! She amazingly knows things that no one has made an effort to really teach her. Take today for example. A bee landed on a flower out on my parent's porch. Raylee shouts, "Aunt B.! Aunt B.! Look! There is a bee on the flower outside!" She watched the little bee fascinated by what it was doing. I said, "Raylee, do you know why bees need flowers?" Raylee smiled and said, "Of course I do silly, they use flowers to make honey!" Charlotte Mason method at work!( and on the first day that I read about it too!) I then said, "Yes Raylee, that is right. Bee's use the nectar from flowers to make honey. " She smiled and continued to watch the bee until it flew away.

She then saw the worksheets on my screen and shouted excitedly, "Aunt B.! I want to color that!" She pointed at a worksheet on the number 1. It had lines to trace the number, practice writing it, and then a caption about how there is only 1 boat in the picture. I ran and printed it for her, we went over the worksheet. She excitedly traced the number 1 and cried out, "Look Aunt B.! I did it! Its the number 1!" I then said, "Can you hold up 1 finger for me?" She held up 1 finger. She was getting it, and so quickly!

This is going to be fun.

Hugs, loves, and educational adventures until next time darlings!

Looking on the Sunny Side

2011-06-01T14:03:00.003-06:00

Well,

Life and time march on and because life has been so seemingly "normal" (if there is such a thing) I haven't really had anything to write about.

I went to the doctor last week and everything is fine. The baby was moving so much that my midwife had a hard time finding a heartbeat on the Doppler. I told her I'd been feeling him/her all morning, for some reason he/she likes to sit right behind my pubic bone. It feels really weird to walk or sit when he/she is there, but that seems to be a favorite spot. She was surprised that I could feel him/her, but she on a fluke decided to test and see if the baby was still hiding there. Low and behold, a healthy heartbeat was clearly heard. She assured me that the Doppler could detect a healthy heartbeat, we just couldn't hear it. She said that she didn't envy me over the next few months as the baby gets bigger. She said she could hear a lot of movement on the Doppler and she said that usually means a very very active baby. She said for me to enjoy my baby free ribs now, because shortly, she was sure he/she would find new places to hide and annoy me.

We also had a good giggle. I have been having issues with heartburn, and family members and friends have been overly concerned, sharing their stories of women just dropping down dead, ICU stays after birth, etc. It hasn't concerned me much, I know that heartburn is completely normal, but it had been making my husband and a few other people close to me very concerned. I asked the midwife for a little bit of a soundbyte, just so I could have some info to sputter off to concerned parties so that they would know that my heartburn was completely normal and my newfound TUMS addiction was completely safe...she laughed and told me it was. She also told me that about this point in a pregnancy, she finds that a lot of her patients are receiving advice and being told stories from well meaning people about all the horrors of pregnancy. She assured me that for every one of those stories there are thousands of stories about normal, healthy pregnancies where nothing goes wrong and everyone comes out healthy and fine.

For now, I focus on being grateful for every little flutter and wiggle I feel and continuing to pray for all the best.

Jeff is coming home early today. The temperature is very warm today. Forecasts have it getting to 80+ degrees. I have no maternity summer clothes, so we are off to peruse the Ross maternity section and see if I can find anything reasonably priced to add to my slowly growing maternity wardrobe.

We're still waiting to hear back about Jeff's job interview last week. We are supposed to hear back sometime this week if he got it. I keep praying he does. Las Vegas may not be my first choice for where I want to live, it does feel right when we pray about it. We just keep moving forward with faith that if we pursue all our options, we will be able to find the place we are meant to end up. There are some pluses to living in the Las Vegas area. I could try to see about working adjunct for UNLV or even pursuing my doctorate there when I feel ready and recovered enough after the baby gets here. I could grow a voice studio or try to start some kind of after school program...the possibilities are endless. Make no mistakes, I am sure that I will find something fantastic to do. I already have Jeff's support for whatever I want, even if it means trying to get concert and oratorio gigs after the baby is a little older. Another reason I am so lucky to have him, he wouldn't change me or my expensive musical addiction...LOL!

I am still bummed about not being able to do the Met auditions this year. A little bird told me that they are considering changing the rules and regulations so this may actually be the last year that I'm eligible. Jeff told me that I should go ahead and apply if I'm still feeling good when the applications are due, and part of me was so tempted since I know an amazing accompanist. She's in my ward and she plays like a master...I'm also sure she would be willing to practice with me and I could use a staff accompanist at the actual event...but I also have to think about the fact that considering how I am carrying, the baby will likely be up in my ribcage making it very difficult to move my diaphragm down for a good singer's breath...curse me and my knowledge of the anatomy of the vocal system...C'est la vie...I'm on to other things, more important things, more life lessons and more fun. There are other competitions, and other years to compete and right now there is only one baby in my belly and only one time to be pregnant for the first time. Maybe its best that I focus on enjoying that.

Every day is a new adventure. I am so excited to be on the ride. My life is what it is supposed to be, I am where I am supposed to be. That is a very comforting knowledge. I can continue to dream and make plans, its so wonderful to know that no matter where you are in life there are always options, there are always dreams, and there are always wonderful blessings just around the corner waiting for you as long as you're willing to remember that God's will will always win out.

Well, my tired husband has just tromped through the door, and I suspect he will be ready to go soon.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Mission Impossible...Possibly...

2011-05-18T16:27:00.004-06:00

I spent the better part of my day reacquainting myself with the ins and outs of couponing. I promised Jeff that I would be a master before the summer is out...the trouble is, its hard to be the master at something when there really aren't any good coupons out there...All I can say is darn those shows like "Extreme Couponing" they've spread the word about what you can do and now it seems like manufacturers are making it impossible! Things have changed since I left the game for a bit, I guess now if you want good coupons you have to check at the very beginning of the month. I have mentally stored that information and have every intention of being a coupon printing fiend come June 1.

I spent the other part of the better part of the day looking for steals on baby deals. I know, I know, I could go to consignment stores and buy some of the things I need "gently used," but I have to admit it makes me nervous. I have been present when disasters with such "gently used" items occurred. Buckling plastic on a baby swing as the baby was in it about 3 days after purchase, heard stories of friends who were not allowed to take their baby home for the hospital because the carseat they purchased, while gently used, was out of date...the list goes on. So, today I have been a deal ninja! I started making a registry at Walmart- its more of a list of things I'm planning on purchasing though, the things that you would like to get at a baby shower, but never would...a play yard with a bassinet attachment, a car seat, a bouncer... After seeing what the "rock bottom" prices were at Wally world, I started surfing the net. It seems that we will likely be buying the play yard at Walmart but the car seat will probably come from Kmart or an online store called diapers.com, it just happened to be where the type of carseat that I've heard good things about is cheaper.

I'm still waiting for that awesome deal, as I get closer to needing to actually make purchases, I may try to case stores like "Once Upon a Child," but the bottom line is, this is (hopefully) not the only baby I will be having, and to be honest, I'd rather have new stuff that I can use again in a few years.

I know Jeff is concerned about me going overboard, especially with a looming and very possible long distance move in our immediate future. I really am just trying to keep it to the bare minimum. I have found patterns and instructions online for how to make my own baby slings (That's right, I plan on being a baby wearer...it will help the baby to form a bond of trust and it will help me to have my hands free to do other things that need to be done.) and, in my experience, the only baby gear that is really used in the first 3 months is: the car seat, the bouncer, and possibly a swing. I may hold off on the swing until we know for sure if we're moving...honestly, I think the kid can live without a swing for 2 or 3 months.

Anywhooo...I'm tired...is anyone else out there tired? Its sad, seriously sad, I haven't done anything today but look for deals on my computer and I am completely drained (then again, I woke up at 4 last night- not to mention the 5 times I was up to use the bathroom before that- and I was feeling kind of drained when I woke up this morning.) I was starting to feel pretty good, I'm just hoping that this isn't a precursor of things to come in the near future. I've been having this weird sensation where my legs start to ache if they sit for too long so I have to move them...I'm planning on asking my midwife about this at my appointment next week...I have to, because its keeping me from sleeping well. I also have exchanged constant nausea for constant heartburn. I took all 10 of my allotted Tums yesterday (you're only allowed 10 in a 24 hour period) so I had to wait until after 2 PM this afternoon for the cycle to start over again so I could take more...I will be asking about this too. I need something stronger.

Well, my husband is home from work (he has been for a while) and he is ready to snuggle...

So, I'm off..

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

Settling In...

2011-05-11T11:54:00.003-06:00

Well, we're here in Idaho Falls. I have been incredibly busy trying to unpack things and find a space and a home for everything...but that is the way things work when you move in with other people who already have a home for everything in their home...

My parents have been wonderful. Things have been nice and relaxing. I know that I'm going to have to get my butt up and out the door to try to find another job (I'll likely nanny for my sister one day a week) and I need to finish unpacking the boxes in the garage, but the bedroom is almost all the way unpacked.

My dad managed to get Jeff a job working for him. This is a huge blessing for us, we were really concerned about having enough money to pay our bills and save up for the baby and our eventual move in January. Jeff is talking about the possibility of finding another job, but part of me hopes that I just am able to find one that is good enough so that he doesn't have to work himself to the bone.

My family has also been wonderful. My little sister went digging through her garage to find me some much needed maternity clothes. I was down to one pair of pants that fit (not well, mind you, but they were all I had) Its nice to have clothes that fit... You never think about what a blessing it is to have nice, fitting clothes until you don't have any. My older sister has been digging through her closet to find some shirts that will pass as maternity shirts as well. She's found a couple too! Since I got to Idaho Falls, it seems like every day is a veritable clothing Christmas! I am truly blessed to have such wonderful family members.

I got the interesting experience of shopping for maternity garments the other day at the distribution center...I was so confused. Fortunately, a little old lady noticed my confusion and walked me through the process...thank heavens for sweet strangers who do their jobs and help crazy people like me without complaint!

All in all, I am much more comfortable now.

As I rapidly approach the 16 week mark I have to think: to gender check, or not to gender check?

Jeff and I unfortunately realized that, while it would be fun to keep the baby's gender a secret and find out in November when the baby is born, it just isn't quite rational. Since we don't have a lot of money right now, we realized that we really need to have the option of buying things gradually, and the only way to do that with ease is to find out if McMonkey McBean is a boy or girl. They just don't make as many gender neutral things as they do gender specific, and its hard to buy things like portable cribs, car seats, bouncers, etc. without knowing. It just seems like EVERYTHING is pink or blue, even online.

They will automatically do an ultrasound at my 20 week appointment next month, but the biggest question is, since we can find out in as little as 2 weeks for about $25, do we want to wait another 6? (Actually, I have friends that found out at their 12 week appointment because the doctor ran an ultra sound because they couldn't find a heartbeat on the doppler...so I may even be able to find out now...but I digress...)

To save $25 or to know now....its quite the conundrum.

I do have to say, however, that I'm thinking its a boy. Its just what my gut says...but, who knows...

Jeff is home from work, I don't know if its for the day or for lunch, but its nice to see him. I miss him when we're not together. He's such a wonderful guy.

I truly did hit the jackpot. Jeff is always so sweet and thoughtful. He is constantly rubbing and tickling my back without me even having to ask. Its like he just senses that I am in pain and that I need some relief. He even bought me chocolates yesterday at Desert Book. He got a Vanilla and Victorian cream and I got a peanut butter chocolate and one called Opera Cream...I thought it seemed fitting and perfect.

I also went and tried to sell my performing gowns yesterday. It will be a while before I could wear them again and, to be honest, we need the space more than I need the gowns. Jeff promised that the first performance I have after the baby is born, he will buy me a new gown. I almost wanted to cry as I went through them. Each of them hold such wonderful memories.

I have to say I was slightly offended when the people at the Runway Fashion Exchange only bought 2 of them. I think they are all beautiful and timeless, but I was told that the rest of them were "outdated". The two that they bought were my two favorites. Sadly, one of them was my most expensive gown, a $500 black and teal gown that I wore for my senior recital. I only got $25 for it...they will likely turn around and try to sell it for $100, but I guess its better that someone else can make some new memories with it than for me to keep it hanging in the closet. It was too big for me anyway before I got pregnant, and I have every intention of it being too big again...

So...now I have 5 or 6 dresses sitting in the back of my car and I'm trying to decide what to do with them. Part of me wants to just take them to D.I. I know how it is to be a girl invited to a dance and to be unable to afford a beautiful dress. Part of me thinks it would be a lovely gesture to send them to D.I. where they will be sold for likely $15 or $20 to a beautiful girl who needs an equally beautiful gown and can't afford one...but then there is the part of me that knows we need to save money for the baby and a down payment on a house...

I just have nowhere to store them.

So, how about this darlings?...

I have 5 gowns, they range in size from 8 to 16. If you're interested I will sell one or multiple gowns to you for $15 to $20 a pop. They've only been worn, on average, twice, and they've all been good luck charms for me. Every gown has a winning night associated with it...and every one of them made me feel like a princess for different reasons. I have a silver and black gown with sleeves ( I believe its a 12) a Red and White gown with sleeves (size 16), a light pink gown with gathers at the bottom and butterflies on it (it looks like a Cinderella dress) and a train on the back (size 8-10), a size 8 yellow drop waisted silky gown. Its got a low cut V neck, but you will look like a 1940's starlet in it, its very Veronica Lake (size 8) and a pink gown with a ballgown skirt that is gathered with a white sash. It is halter neck and I'll throw in a white satin bolero (size 6-8) There are a few spots on the low part of the skirt, but they would likely come out very easily with a good scrub or dry cleaning (don't say I said this, but I bet you could even run it through the wash, its satin, but not the kind that will vary in color if you get it wet).

If anyone is interested in a dress, let me know, and its yours for $15 to $20 depending on the dress (if you're a really good friend, I may even just let you make an offer of what you think is fair and its yours, it could be for as little as $5, seriously).

If I don't get any responses then I will just assume that the D.I. needs to find them a good home, but I figure that my friends should come first.

For my Pocatello friends, I would likely even let you deduct the price of gas if you wanted to come and pick one up. After all, Idaho Falls is just a hop, skip, and a jump away.

Hugs, loves, and beautiful gowns until next time darlings!

What a Day...and its not even over yet!

2011-05-06T11:11:00.004-06:00

Moving always takes a lot out of you, but this time it seems to be taking a lot more energy than it usually does. I think its because McMonkey McBean doesn't like it when I lift boxes and am constantly moving from side to side and up and down (I don't think I've had this much of a work out since before I was pregnant!)

Anywhooo...

I'm sitting here, on the floor in what was once my living/dining room and thinking about how blessed I am.

If I didn't do that I would probably cry because of the mesh up of modge podge belongings that still haven't found a home in a box yet, and the incredibly dirty carpet that needs to be vacuumed about a million times before 5 PM tomorrow!

I am so blessed to have wonderful parents and siblings. Jeff's dad and brother Tony came and helped moved all of the big stuff. They are taking it to Preston to be stored until our big move to Nevada in January. My parents are coming tomorrow to help us move the rest and to help clean up this mess that was once a semi-organized (albeit sometimes messy)apartment. They are letting us stay with them for as long as we need to, which is such a huge blessing.

We are looking at buying a house in the Henderson, NV area to move into in January and we need to save some money. They are being incredibly gracious and asking only that we pay for groceries and half the utility bill. This is a big relief considering that I haven't found a job in Idaho Falls yet and Jeff has only recently been told by my dad that he can work for him part-time this summer.

We're kind of operating on hope and prayer right now, but honestly, in spite of the fear about what we're going to do financially and wondering how in the world we will have a down payment saved in time, I feel incredibly at peace. I know that moving in with my parents (for now) is the right thing.

We may change our minds and move back to Poky in the autumn when Jeff goes back to school, but we will have to see. Since my midwife is in Idaho Falls and I'm delivering at Mountainview Hospital in Idaho Falls, Jeff is concerned that I will go into labor and not be able to reach him while he's in class and then we will not have enough time to get to the hospital. I keep telling him that since its my first baby, we will likely have plenty of time, but I guess its good to have a husband that doesn't want to bank on that. Its nice to know he is so concerned.

Well, darlings, I'm off to eat lunch. I had a blood draw done this morning and I didn't get to eat because of it. I ate half of a gross peanut butter and jelly tortilla combination that I concocted when I got home, but I couldn't stomach much of it and I am one hungry hungry hippo.

We still have stuff to do, but atleast the majority of the hard part is done.

Hugs and delicious lunches until next time darlings!

McMonkey McBean- Update

2011-05-03T13:24:00.002-06:00

Last night I was sitting with my husband. He was playing video games on his computer, and I was trying to see if I could find any decent "white noise" on the television (When I study I can't be in silence, I have to have a radio on or a television show. I often will use a television show as motivation. I will study really hard during commercials and reward myself while the show is on. Eventually, I get motivated enough that I work through the show and the television becomes white noise.) Anywhooo...

I was sitting there, studying bassoon player qualifications and I felt it...

Little butterflies in the bottom of my abdomen.

I sat for a while, unsure if I wanted to admit to what I was feeling. Had I felt what I just thought I felt? Was it gas, or hunger pangs?

But then, sure enough a few minutes later, it happened again.

"I think I just felt the baby move." I said quietly.

Jeff literally almost threw his computer to the side and tried to put his hand where I was feeling it. I sadly told him that I didn't think the baby was big enough that he'd be able to feel anything from the outside, but that didn't stop him from holding his hand on my belly for the next 2 hours while we watched a movie (yeah, I was really motivated to study...LOL)

I laid next to him on my couch and I literally felt the baby moving for five minutes. McMonkey McBean was really swimming around in there...either he/she was really not happy with my laying position, or he/she really wanted his/her presence to be known.

I felt the same butterflies this morning as I sat getting ready for my jury...and apparently the baby doesn't like it much when I sing and squeeze him/her with my abdominal muscles as I move air along because he/she went crazy during my voice jury (which I knocked out of the park p.s.)

My mom had always said that she felt all of us at 12 weeks, but I was unsure of how that would work. However, my midwife said that by 12 weeks the baby ranges in size from 2.5 inches to 4, and there isn't a lot of room yet in there, so I guess it makes sense. (Besides, I'm pretty sure McMonkey McBean will get daddy's tall genes, so I wouldn't be surprised if he/she is tall right now.)

As a matter of fact, as I type this I'm feeling butterflies again.

Viva McMonkey McBean!

Hugs and butterflies until next time darlings.

Why?

2011-04-28T11:28:00.003-06:00

Okay, maybe its the stress of this week and the end of the school year finally catching up with me, maybe its the pregnancy hormones that are currently taking over my brain...

but I'm just sick and tired of the haters...

I usually have a really thick skin, I usually can hear people talk about me behind my back and I can shrug it off and move on.

I know that the people that talk about you behind your back are usually incredibly insecure and need your love more than your contempt.

So, what do I do? I work at it. I try to love the people that say such hurtful things behind my back. I try my hardest not to say anything mean to them or about them, ever.

But it seems like in the last few weeks that the haters are on hater overload. Every time I turn my back it feels like I hear a hateful or mean comment about me that is whispered.

So my question is...

I try my hardest to love you, I try my hardest to be nice and helpful...so why do you hate me? What did I ever do to you?

I'm sorry you're so insecure, I'm sorry that you can't get over yourself long enough to get into a practice room and do the work necessary to get to where you think you deserve to be. I'm sorry that you think that I think I'm better than you...in all honesty, I can tell you without restraint that I do not.

Do I have more education...yes, absolutely, but I will never profess to be better than anyone. I have so much work to do.

My "ah" vowel sucks, its a constant struggle for me to make the right shape. I'm still getting used to the way I have to use my breath to produce the sound necessary for my voice to really ring. My Italian diction is horrendous and I really have to work at it and remember where to flip r's instead of roll them and when its open o as opposed to closed. I still have to work really hard in the practice room to learn the intervals in my music...I plunk notes and rhythms just like everyone else, and I do so EVERY DAY...

So why do you hate me? Why do you insist on saying mean things behind my back or rolling your eyes when I'm trying to be helpful to someone who is confused about something?

I know...I know...haters are pretty much always going to hate. I know that not everyone is always going to like or love you. I know that in the real world, the real reality is that there are just mean people...

but sometimes I just want to tell the haters, "I'm sorry, you're not in high school anymore, and that you're not the shiznit in this bigger pond. Nobody cares how many leads you've had in the musicals at John Smith High." Get to the practice room! Prove that you are the shiznit. Prove that you are willing to do the work and get over yourselves long enough to take the advice of your voice teacher instead of doing things the way you want to do them. Stop impeding your own progress!

The ONLY way you will grow as an artist is if you can get over yourself long enough to be true to the music, to let yourself be moved by the emotion of a piece, to let yourself be carried back to memories that may be painful, happy, or sad and share them with the world...To be BRAVE enough to be completely exposed.

Believe me, I'm not perfect at this either, but I have had a taste of it now and then, and I can tell you that it is the most thrilling and freeing experience you will ever have.

You'll get a lot further in this business as a Renee Flemming than as a Kathleen Battle...

I love you. I do. I try so hard, probably too hard, to get you to like me, to try to help you to move forward. You don't have to accept my help or my friendship...but please...stop kicking me when I'm already down.

I'm already hard enough on myself, I don't need anyone else being hard on me too.

How about we all try to love each other and support each other for a change? How about we stop saying mean things behind people's backs because we're insecure and it makes us feel better to tear them down...?

We will all get so much further when we love and support each other than we will get tearing each other down. Not everyone can have a lead role, not everyone can be center stage, but we can all support and encourage the people in the spot light, we can applaud them for their hard work, and we can all help each other to move forward and have a chance to be there.

The minute you stop hating is the minute that love will take over your life and change it for the better.

I still love you haters in spite of it all...I guess in a way this blog is telling you that you've won. In my current pregnant state I just don't have the strength to let your hurtful,mean comments roll off my back anymore. You have drawn tears, but I promise that it won't happen again. I don't want to encourage your behavior. I want to encourage you to love and allow yourselves to move forward.

I don't think I'm the best, I never have...I make mistakes too, lots of them, and I can promise you that I beat myself up over them on a daily basis. You are the ones that decided that I think I'm the best. You're the ones that have made me a villain in your own minds. I promise to continue to love you no matter what. I promise that this is the last I will speak of this. I promise to continue to be nice and try to help you when you need help.

Let's all try to love each other. Let's all try to be friends. Friends are so much better than non-friends and enemies.

I'm sorry if this seems whiney and complainey, but I had to get it off my chest. I need to move forward into this summer thinking about positive things and preparing for my life, and my future to change in a major way.

I'm sure there is someone out there reading this thinking that it is just proof of how full of myself I am. "Oh my gosh, Brittany thinks everyone hates her because she is good. How egotistical!" I can assure you that there is no thought further from my mind. I'm finally just feeling the effects of the wounds of piercing comments said behind my back.

I will be the first to admit how much work I still have left to do. If I thought I was amazing and wonderful I'd probably be out in the "real world" trying to make a career out of this singing thing, not back working on a second undergraduate degree trying to fix my voice and improve my skills. I think Renee Flemming said it best when she said something to the effect of: If you ever think that you are done perfecting your craft, that is the minute you need to stop performing, because we ALWAYS have ways we can be better and improve ourselves.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

What do you do?

2011-04-27T22:21:00.004-06:00

What do you do when you have a 10 page paper to write for your Independent Choral Conducting Study???

Well, I can tell you what I do....

Start scrapbooking a baby book....
I know....I'm such an example of responsibility... You can start and stop envying at any moment...

Hugs and loves until next time darlings!

A Thought...

2011-04-22T08:18:00.003-06:00

As I was sitting at rehearsal for Haydn's Creation last night, the thought struck me like a 2 ton load- How can people not believe there is a God?

I don't know why I thought it, I just did...

Let me preface the rest of this post by saying that I in no way want to push or force my beliefs on anyone...I respect everyone's beliefs. One thing that my religion teaches is the importance of allowing all men the privilege to worship God as they see fit (or not worship God in this case).

I guess its more of a question for atheist folk out there? What made them decide against a belief in God?

It seems to me that the more education I have, the more my testimony in the existence of God grows.

I cannot believe that all of the order in the universe is a result of some grand coincidence.

Science teaches us that even down to the smallest realm of existence (atoms and below) there are set and intricate rules about how things work.

I look at the beautiful autumn, winter, spring and summer days- I look at the lush green trees and the beautiful vibrant flowers and I think, "What a wonderful gift." The way that these plants grow and work is so intricate and organized, I cannot believe that, again, I can't see how people would just think it was a coincidence out of chaos.

I hear beautiful music, I think of the testament that it brings that we are not alone...the testament that no matter what time you live in, no matter what country, no matter what religion you ascribe to, someone has felt the same way as you...and I can't help but be grateful. Music to me is another testament of God's love- he wanted us to be able to help each other and buoy each other up.

I think about music, I think about the evolution of Western music specifically, with all its intricacies and order and I can't help but feel that it was divine inspiration that led men to be able to come up with a system that writes it down.

I also thought last night about the miracle of the human body. I think about all the things that we still don't know about the brain and how it runs everything, I think about the amazing systems installed in our bodies to maintain order and balance, I think of our abilities to create LIFE...breathing, eating, pooping, sleeping, thinking, feeling LIFE! It is such a miracle, there are so many strict rules that are involved in the creation of life: the timing, the body's temperature...etc., how can it be seen as anything but a miracle? Our ability to create life is the one godly attribute we have on this earth, its proof that we are created in His image...

How is that coincidental?

I know, there may be an atheist out there reading this completely offended, even with my disclaimer...

This is not meant to be offensive. These are honest questions.

I know that there is no "proof" that God exists...or at least what the scientific community would call proof...but to me, all of the aforementioned scenarios are proof... in my mind, there is too much order, too much goodness in this world to believe that God does not exist.

You can't see the wind, but you can FEEL it...I can't see God, but I can feel His presence in my life.

You can detect high and low pressure systems that lead to the creation of wind...so maybe all of the order in the universe, maybe all of the beautiful things that surround us are God's high and low pressure systems...telling us that He is present.

Yes, bad things happen...but another thing I have learned since I was little is that this life is meant to test us. This life is meant to give men an opportunity to make good or bad choices for themselves, this life is meant to determine where you will be happiest in the next life, this life is meant to prove if you can handle godly powers and attributes in the next life...

I know, my words will not change the mind of a hardened atheist. I get it... when it comes right down to it, I can't prove that God exists...but no one can prove that He doesn't.

With the approach of Easter Sunday, I want to say how grateful I am for a loving Father in Heaven, who sent his Son as the ultimate proof of his love for us. He loved us so much He wanted us to be able to return to Him. Christ, our older brother, loved us so much that he was willing to suffer more than any man could ever fathom to ensure that we would be able to return home again.

Christ performed miracles using Godly power, I have seen miracles in our time. I have seen my older sister come through horrible health crisis after horrible health crisis, I've been told that she was at death's door, and through the grace and power of God, through priesthood blessings, she was able to regain her health and live to raise her beautiful children. I have been blessed with the life that I now hold inside of me. I have seen love change a man's life. I have seen my step-father break the cycle of abuse that he was raised in. I have seen him, through prayer and personal struggle, be strengthened and made better, more whole, more godly...

and that is what this life is about...coming through trials to become more like God, using the example of our brother, Savior, and Redeemer Jesus Christ.

I know that the rambling above will not change a set opinion on the matter...but I will say that I allow you the privilege to not believe in God, just allow me my privilege to believe...

I love you all, no matter what your beliefs...at the end of the day, good people are still good people, no matter their religion or creed. Everyone has rights to make their own decisions, whether they be good or bad.

With all the scary and sad things that happen in the world, let's try to focus on the good, let's try to foster the good until it becomes a beautiful garden of love that drives the evil, scary, and sad things away. Let's work together to make this world more godly.

Hugs, and deep love until next time darlings.

The Banishment of Debbie Downer

2011-04-13T20:33:00.003-06:00

Hello darlings,

I know its been almost a week since I've written anything...I'm sure you were dying in anticipation waiting for me to write something...anything...

But alas,

I have nothing.

I guess I have kind of felt like I'm morphing with Debbie Downer lately. I really just don't want to bring anyone down with me. I'd rather be trapped by Debbie Downer all by myself than share the same old complaints..

You see, I'm still sick...

Which is probably why the Debbie Downer thing has seemed to take hold of me like the Bubonic Plague...

Everyone keeps telling me that it will end soon... and I look forward to the start of a second trimester, and then there are THOSE people...the ones that tell you that they were sick their entire pregnancy and that, from the sounds of things, you might be in the same boat they were in...

Its at these times that Debbie Downer wraps her monkey arms around my neck and holds on tight, hoping to make her morphing complete.

I have been making an effort to count my blessings when Debbie tries to pull me down into the pit of despair...so...here is an itemized list of a few (because I'm sure you're all dying to count my blessings with me...)

1) I'm having a baby! Hooray! In high school, after they discovered cysts on my ovaries and endometriosis growing on my uterus I was told that I would likely have a very difficult time conceiving. Apparently, according to my midwife, the Metformin that I take for my Insulin Resistance reverses this effect making it possible for me to ovulate and not get cysts...making it possible for me to get pregnant...Hooray for modern medicine. I am so blessed to be sick! (Well, blessed that they discovered my metabolic syndrome so that I could reverse the effects of the illness... not necessarily blessed to BE sick...)

2) We actually discovered one food that doesn't make me nauseous (or if it does, its very slight) Hooray for Lunchables! (Boo that we seem to run out of them in my house too fast...but hooray that we happened upon this discovery. It gives me an opportunity to, atleast once a day, eat something and not feel like I want to die afterwards.)

3) I have the most amazing husband on the planet. I had a major MAJOR cryfest last night. Jeff wrapped his arms around me and tried to assure me that I'm not a horrible wife because my house is a mess and I have been having a hard time taking care of him like I used to. He promised me he would do all the cleaning until the nausea lets up...I am going to try to make sure this is one promise he doesn't have to keep...but he is still sweet to try to offer and make me feel better. He also hands me random amounts of cash and tells me to do whatever I want with it...apparently, after talking to some friends in the music building today, I have discovered that this isn't a common occurrence. I am so blessed to have such a thoughtful, loving man in my life *P.S. its not like I don't get to spend money, it is,after all, OUR money...we make most purchasing decisions together, but if we have cash leftover he gives it to me...so sweet.

4) I have amazing friends. I'm sure they are sick of listening to me complain, but they try their hardest to continue on in the war o' baby disease with me....they make me laugh, make me feel like I'm not a complete failure, and they make me feel like I always have a place that I will fit in. Thanks for being wonderful darlings.

5) I have wonderful parents. They are going to let us move in with them for the summer (or part of it) so that we can save some money for the baby. They said they may even let us stay for the fall semester if that is what Jeff decides he wants...so blessed to have them.

This list tends to get larger as the day progresses, these are just my top 5. I'm working on not allowing Debbie Downer to morph with me and trying to feel some semblance of "normal" (if that even exists). I'm not perfect at it yet. There are some moments/hours/days where this early baby disease is almost too much to bear. I just keep trying to remind myself how fortunate I am and no matter what, press on...always pressing on.

I fervently hope that in two weeks I will wake up and magically I will not be nauseous....however, I have faith, that no matter how long I am sick for, it will be worth it in the end.

God loves me, he loves you too...and things always have a way of working themselves out for the best. I truly believe that.

So maybe, just maybe, if you find yourself struggling today, yesterday, next week...try to simply look at your life and see where you are blessed...

You may not have all the answers to why you are experiencing the trials that you are, you may not even be out of the mire yet...but you will, for a moment, an hour, or a day be able to feel better.

When upon life's billows you are tempest toss'd
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings
Name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does that cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, Angels will attend
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end...

I hope, darlings, that no matter how tough things get you will always be able to remember that there is someone out there that loves you. Whether you believe in God or not, whether you believe in angels or not, LOVE is real...and there are always people around that will love you and support you. I love you...you may be one of my best friends, you may be an acquaintance, you may even be a stranger who happened upon this blog...but I love you! Without hidden agendas, I love you. I love you because everyone deserves love, everyone deserves a friend, or someone to relate to...even if it is someone strange like me...Just give people a chance, surround yourself with positivity, the light will always envelop the darkness and push it away. It WILL GET BETTER...just have enough faith to let it play out. The situation may be horrible, it may be life changing, you may wonder how you can ever survive or get through it...but I promise that after this hurricane of life there will be a double rainbow so beautiful that you will be amazingly grateful for the storm.

Hugs and Loves (minus Debbie Downer) until next time darlings!

Drained...

2011-04-06T17:06:00.002-06:00

Chamber Choir music sits in my folder on my table...

The taxes need to be mailed so we can get our very much needed refund...

I have a 45 minute powerpoint presentation and 2 long research papers to start/finish writing (one is started, the other isn't.)

It seems to me McMonkey McBean doesn't care if I get it done.

McMonkey McBean wants me to sit on the couch, nauseated and drained after a very long day...

I don't think I've ever been this tired in my life...

Except for yesterday, and the day before that...

The Next 4 weeks can't pass fast enough. I'm kind of getting sick of everyone asking if I'm okay when I'm clearly not feeling well and then (in some cases) seeming annoyed when I honestly answer.

I just want my baby bump to come so I can stop feeling like I'm just putting on weight, I want to feel that first flutter of life to make things more real, and I want to actually be able to eat and ENJOY a meal as opposed to what currently happens now...(forcing myself to eat waiting for the inevitable wave of nausea that will overcome my body for the following 2-4 hours).

After a 7:45 AM call for opera this morning, stick a fork in me...I'm DONE.

My sweet husband is in doing the dishes. Part of me knows I should get up and help...but the baby growing part of me is very content to sit very still on this couch and do absolutely nothing.

I keep reminding myself that this will pass. I keep reminding myself that this is just the first test of motherhood. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband who works so hard to take care of me. Things will get better. In a few short weeks I will be feeling my McMonkey McBean practicing soccer, boxing, and other various sports. In a few short weeks, I will be out of school for the summer and I will have time to sleep and take it easy for a bit. In a few short weeks, I will be back at the doctors office getting to actually hear his/her heartbeat for the first time (they can see the heartbeat on the first ultrasound, but its so small that you can't actually hear it).

These things keep me going. I just keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. In spite of everything, in spite of feeling more drained than I ever have before in my life, I know that there are only good things to come. I know that God loves me and that things are working out on his timeline. Yes, I have some tough decisions ahead about school, and life but I just have this overwhelming sense of peace. I don't feel the need to worry too much.

So...I'll just keep sitting on my couch, very still...waiting for the nausea to pass, I may even close my eyes for a few minutes...

And then I will get back to the land of the living..

For now, I choose to let myself feel drained. I deserve it after a long day.

Hugs and loves until next time darlings.

Why Did No one Ever Tell Me?

2011-04-03T10:54:00.003-06:00

Today is one of those days where I think just about anything will make me cry.

I saw the flower arrangements sitting behind the pulpit as conference started and I wanted to cry because they were so beautiful. I thought of President Uchtdorf and how awesome it would be to have him as a friend, and I wanted to cry because it filled my heart with so much joy...I look over at my husband, busily typing on his computer to finish a grant application before Tuesday and I want to cry because I love him so much. I made a fantastic rib rub for the ribs we are going to be grilling tonight. I tasted a bit of it off my pinkie and I wanted to cry because of the wonders of my culinary masterpiece. I look at the ultrasound picture of my sweet little McMonkey McBean on my fridge and I want to cry for many reasons: fear, hope, joy, love, excitement...

I just want to cry...and I don't know why.

I guess this is to be expected. I have been warned by my Midwife that as things progress my hormones will begin to fluctuate even more. So far I've been pretty good at noticing if the thoughts and emotions I've had are really logical...what do I do at these times you may ask?...

I sit very still, and keep my mouth shut (especially when I'm angry for no good reason) I find that it passes and I am able to recognize why the thoughts I'm having are irrational and hormonally/emotionally driven.

You know, I knew about the emotional rollercoaster, I knew about the possibility of being extremely sick (and I have been SICK)...I just wish someone would have told me about some of the other side effects of pregnancy that I was not prepared for...

Most of the women that I know that are newly pregnant usually seem to chipper and excited...I didn't realize what a facade it really was.

I am tired all the time! A few days ago I actually fell asleep standing up (I am not kidding!) I'm supposed to be chipper and excited and full of energy...no one ever told me... I guess people just don't like to complain, but, seriously....

Probably TMI (if you're a guy, you may just want to skip the next two paragraphs...) but my boobs hurt, and when they don't hurt they tingle like they're asleep...no one told me about this joy. I was talking to my older sister on the phone and she asked if I was experiencing this fun symptom...I said yes, a little shocked that she knew, and then she said something to the effect of, "Well, from this point on your boobs are not your own, have fun."

I also grew an entire cup size in a week. I only have 1 bra that fits! I knew they would get bigger eventually, but I didn't think it would happen during the first trimester...ugh...

My food aversions have gone from not being able to handle meat or eggs to not being able to handle anything. I've pretty much just accepted that no matter what I eat I will be nauseous. I knew about morning sickness, but I thought that feeling nauseous all the time was a rare occurrence. I was so mislead its sad...

My friends that have just had babies keep assuring me that its worth it. I believe them, really I do, but am I a horrible person for counting down the next 4 weeks until I hit the second trimester? I know that just because I hit the second trimester doesn't magically mean that I won't be nauseous anymore, I have a friend that is well into her second trimester and the nausea just barely stopped...but a girl can hope can't she?

I also didn't know about this "round ligament pain"...and it HURTS! I will seriously have periods of time (usually no more than 5 to 10 minutes) where I feel like I'm being torn apart in the middle, it moves around from side to side and then will be in the middle of my abdomen for a bit, good times, good times... Amber (my amazing do it all sister who also happens to be a labor and delivery nurse) has assured me that these are normal and to brace myself because they get worse as the baby gets bigger....oh joy!

So...I sit in my apartment, on my emotional rollercoaster, and look for all the good things that are happening so that I can take my focus off of being so darn sick. After my first appointment, I feel so much better about things.

Both of my sisters suffered miscarriages with their first babies. I had been so scared that they would do an ultrasound and there would be nothing there, or there would be no heartbeat. I was preparing myself for the emotional blow. I was so relieved when I saw that little heart beating on the screen. I was so relieved when the ultrasound technician very clearly announced that the baby was "viable". I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I decided I wanted to be selfish and hold all the joy in my heart for as long as possible. The midwife finished the check and told me that everything was good, she even told me I could deliver a 9 pounder if I needed to (here's hoping that this is one area where I have a similar fate to my sisters, we have not had a baby born in my family over 7 pounds.)

I started a patchwork quilt the other day. Jeff and I have decided that we aren't going to find out the gender until the baby is born. Finding gender neutral material was an interesting task, but I think Jeff and I succeeded. We bought these two silly fabrics with funny looking woodland creatures on them. They all have bug eyes and look so confused...the owl has to be my favorite. I will have to take a picture of my progress and the fabric so you all can see it. I think its adorable and because there is an inside joke about the owl between Jeff and me, it makes it all the better. I've also been crocheting baby hats. I need to go get some more yarn so I can make all the decorations for them. I am making a piglet hat, a frog, an owl, and I'm still trying to decide between a cow and a lamb. I am bound and determined to have the cutest newborn pictures ever (I just happen to be fortunate enough to have an awesome photographer *cough Amber *cough who will take them for me for free in their home studio.)

Jeff, of course, has been awesome through it all. Sure, he has his moments of sheer terror (enter the ultra sound where we saw the baby for the first time) but he never fails to make sure I have everything I need. He will let me wrap myself around him and melt into him when I'm feeling sick. Some days I swear I'm like a monkey on his shoulder, but he doesn't seem to mind (and if he does he hasn't said anything.) He simply tickles my back , plays with my hair, and apologizes when he makes food and I start to get sick from the smell...he also pleads for me not to beat him (which would never happen, I'm not a violent person...but he pleads all the same...I just giggle, put my arms around him and give him a big kiss *hoping that it doesn't make me more nauseous- have I mentioned my increased sense of smell...I'm like a pregnant superwoman sometimes, only my increased sense of smell makes me nauseous....*) Jeff has also started kissing my feet when I lay my legs across his lap...I will be sitting there, he will be busy on his computer or something, and then all of a sudden he leans over and gently kisses my toe or the top of my foot...I have to confess I kind of love it...its really the most pure expression of love I've ever experienced. I love that we can just sit together, relax, and out of nowhere he just has to kiss me...

And enter my need to cry again...geez...

Hugs and loves until next time darlings

P.S. I will try to see if I can find a way to post the ultra sound picture. You can't see much, to the untrained eye, it pretty much just looks like a blob, but I promise its my baby...( As Jeff just said, Its MY blob)

Gratitude

2011-03-23T21:35:00.003-06:00

See this guy...the one staring lovingly at me?

He is officially the best husband on the planet.

He snuggles with me when I'm feeling needy, he tickles and rubs my back whenever I ask him to, and he is so considerate and thoughtful.

I am so lucky to have someone to dote on me when I'm feeling sick. When I feel sick, I get really cuddly and snuggly. Jeff just lets me lean up against him, he puts his arm around me and strokes my back. He constantly is checking to make sure I'm okay and happy. If I'm feeling sick, he always asks if I need anything and he is always willing to get me what I need...

Even if its root beer at the most inconvenient of times...

I am so lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful, thoughtful husband. I only hope that I have been able to find ways to sufficiently show him how grateful I am!